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Love Guru

Love Guru   |187 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 05, 2023

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 23, 2023Hindi
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Relationship

Hi, mine is an arrange marriage, my wife had previous affair before marriage and she did not open up when asked about her past relationship, which I understand as it does not matter after our marriage. We have two children. After almost 7 years I found her cheating with my best friend and caught her red handed. She confessed and felt sorry for betraying me and promised she will not repeat again ever. I forgive her because of my kids. However we our relation was never the same again with lots of fights and arguments. She is very sort tempered and fights with whole family now and then on small matters. We eventually separated, even her parents fought with her and are in no more talking terms with her. Now I found she is having an affaire with my business partners son. What should I do now?

Ans: Get a divorce. You’re already separated and that reality is something your children are unfortunately already living with. So spare them the rollercoaster of trying to make things work with her again, because it will continue to affect their lives. She obviously isn’t trustworthy.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |331 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 03, 2023

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Relationship
Hi, I have been married since 2011 and have a son aged 9 yrs. My wife managed her professional career as well as home. I trusted her to the fullest and allowed her to go out of town alone for work purpose. However in 2017, my wife had an affair with her senior working in bank and it was physical relationship too. It lasted for almost 1.5 yr untill I caught her in August 2018. When confronted she did not had proper justification for doing such gross thing and tried too blame me. Since than she has no contact with that person and even she filed a complain in the office against that person for stalking. She is remorseful and shameful for her act, but i dont feel any attachment towards her. I am still continuing in marriage with mental trauma of affair. What should i do with marriage now?
Ans: Dear Saurav

Discovering that your wife has been unfaithful can be a traumatic experience, and it's understandable that you may be feeling hurt, angry, and betrayed. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and emotional health during this time.

Here are some steps that you can take to help you navigate this situation:

Seek support: Consider talking to a therapist, a trusted friend or family member, or a support group for individuals who have experienced infidelity. It's important to have someone to talk to who can provide a listening ear and a safe space for you to express your emotions.

Communicate: If you want to work on your relationship with your wife, it's important to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings. Let your wife know how her actions have affected you and what you need in order to move forward.

Set boundaries: It's important to set clear boundaries with your wife regarding what is and isn't acceptable behavior. If you choose to work on your relationship, make sure that your wife is willing to take responsibility for her actions and work towards rebuilding trust.

Consider counseling: If you and your wife want to work on your relationship, consider couples counseling. A trained therapist can help you and your wife communicate effectively and work through any underlying issues that may have contributed to the infidelity.

Take time to reflect: Consider what you want for your future and whether or not you are willing to work on your relationship. It's important to make a decision that feels right for you and your well-being.

Don't blame yourself: It's important to remember that your wife's infidelity is not your fault. While it's natural to feel responsible or to question what you could have done differently, ultimately the decision to cheat was your wife's alone.

It's important to acknowledge your own feelings and to take care of yourself during this time. With time and support, it's possible to heal and move forward from the trauma of infidelity. Ultimately, the decision about what to do with your marriage is up to you and your wife, and it's important to make a decision that feels right for both of you.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |331 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 20, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi. I am married and its our 17th year into marriage. Myself 40 yrs and my wife 37 yrs, we have 2 kids. I am working abroad and my wife is working near our home in india itself. Recently my son found that my wife is seeing her senior co worker who is also married and having 2 kids. They were sending romantic messages. My son got shocked and immediately informed me and was very furious. I too got shocked and inquired my wife. She apologized and said that she got attracted and carried away. Also it was just chatting and nothing happened between them. they were chatting for nearly 7 months. In between that man had visited my home too. I love my wife a lot and couldnt believe she betrayed me. As i am working abroad i couldnt judge how long and serious this affair was. I couldnt travel immediately also. She pleaded and still going to the same job citing her career and for kids life. I couldnt sleep and terribly confused as how to handle this and proceed further. I couldnt share to my family also.
Ans: Oh my dear Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult situation. Infidelity can be a painful experience, and it's understandable that you're feeling confused and hurt. Dealing with such matters requires careful consideration and communication.It's normal to feel a range of emotions such as anger, sadness, confusion, and betrayal. Allow yourself the space to come to terms with what has happened before making any major decision. Discuss your feelings, concerns, and expectations moving forward with your wife clear;y being open and honest is what i feel is most important. Discuss and establish clear boundaries regarding communication with the other person. Also you have children, consider how this situation may affect them. It's essential to provide a stable and supportive environment for them. Depending on the circumstances, you may want to involve them in the conversation or shield them from the details, depending on their age. Remember, the decision on how to proceed ultimately rests with you. Seeking the assistance of a professional counselor or therapist can be valuable in navigating the complexities of infidelity and rebuilding trust. It's crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being and make decisions that align with your values and goals for the future.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 15, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hello, I have been married from 15 yrs. I have a 9 yrs old son with me. In oct 21 my wife (age 38) started making REELS on insta of the facial acting. She got involved and told me that she is just doing for followers and like. People used to comment good and bad which i didnt like. She was trying to make young guy friends. In april 2022 she had an affair with a 22-year-old boy who was not even financial stable. I could she changes in her every day. In June 2022 I caught her and she confess that she did affair and also done physical relationship. I had unconditionally loved her all these years and didn’t wanted to let her go. Also, didn’t wanted to hurt my son by taking a divorce. That guy refused to keep my son and their relation broke, but my wife still loved him and missed him. Few months she was in depression and I took her upmost care and swallowed what she did. I just told her that please come back to our life as you were before but she was not getting back. There used to be few quarrels, she was just staying alone within herself and I never felt that love which she used to give me. Later in feb23 there was a marriage at her family and I agree to go with her so she may get that feel during our times and she promised me to enjoy the marriage and make love with me. But she was happy with her relative and didn’t even bother to make that love and affection with me. from that time, I used to get angry and fight with her. I went into depression. In May 2023 she was getting worst and one day fight increased and I asked her to leave my house which I wasn’t intentionally wanted to. She left and went missing 24 yrs and then called from her mom mobile who was in her village, since she didn’t come back home and from last two month, she has been asking me money for herself and says it’s her rights. She doesn’t bother for my son and just show that she loves him. She works and stay with woman from 6 months and I’m looking after my son all alone. I told her u can work but just come home and make things better for my son. Her conditions is to give money security (money) then only she will return. All my family says she is just behind money and doesn’t care what I and my son is going through. She is not guilt for what she did. 15 yrs of marriage has been ruin and now she has no shame at all. She talks rudely if i dont send her money and now I refused sending her. Please advice what do I do now.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You seem to have done a lot to try and get her back. What can you do if she doesn't want to acknowledge your efforts or appreciate what family life is! One would imagine that a child in the equation may bring about a change in heart but that doesn't seem to be the case here at this moment.
Your family members are right in their mind about the way that see your wife as they have been observing how this has impacted you and your son.
Either you wait for her to come to her senses OR simply learn to live life without her. If the outside world of social media is what seems to satisfy her, no matter what you do, she will be dissatisfied and unhappy. This only means that she has to learn and appreciate what she has with you and your son.
It is also possible that she has been disinterested in the marriage for a while now and has been seeking approval and validation from people on social media. Even if this is the case, being angry with you is understandable BUT what about her own child? What makes her not want to deal with that reality? If you need an answer to this, simply WAIT and WATCH without begging her to come back...That will give you an idea as to where her mind is and then decide on the future course...

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1155 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu, I am a guy 45, married and with 2 lovely children. My wife and I have great relationship from the time of love marriage. I love her a lot and as a family all is great financially, emotionally. It does seem to be like a perfect family anyone can ask for. During dating she was she was flirting with others but after all our love and commitment we moved ahead. She has this nature of seeking attention from others and I was ok as long as it was harmless. After our first child, I know it must be difficult for her as a new mother etc but I caught her with her colleague, they were having affair for 1.5 years. she regretted her decision and I forgive her. I gave her more attention and we continued, she shows all the love and affection and I know in my heart she loved me a lot as I do the same. All was good, we had a second child and the pregnancy and post pregnancy was happy. She has been very happy and giving her all to the family. Our relationship was very good from every angle. yet again she had a one night stand and also another affair. This time i was heard broken. She is independent, she earns well and better than me of which I am proud of. If she is unhappy with the relationship and marriage, i am happy if she is wants to move on for her good. But she repented again and says he cannot live without me and that she only loves me. If there is so much love I am unable to understand why she is looking elsewhere. I have asked her to make me understand but she has no answer. I have forgiven her as my love for her is a lot and I know she does love me too and we continue our marriage... but I am unable to figure out this nature and for her and myself I want to understand what can be done. I am lost.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I can see that it is very unsettling for you. It might have been a huge deal to know that your wife has been vying for attention outside of marriage and also indulging in the physical angle as well.
It's possible that she is getting used to your being okay with the entire thing and just adapting to it that there has been no thought on how she can change the way that she is. Since you have forgiven her, there is nothing that needs to change in her...that's the message that you are implying to her.

She possibly is just exploring and trying new things for herself, she is looking for validation and attention outside...the reasons could be many...wandering is only an indication of something that we are not happy with within ourselves or in our lives...If you want your situation to change, I would strongly recommend Couples Therapy to unearth what exactly is happening. It might give both of you some perspective and since there's love still within the marriage, things might actually fall in place quickly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Dr Karthiyayini

Dr Karthiyayini Mahadevan  |1065 Answers  |Ask -

General Physician - Answered on Sep 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 13, 2024Hindi
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Health
I am 75 + ....Around two months back I was diagnosed as dengue positive with platelet count at 75,000. with proper medication, platelet counts were increased to 2,05,000 and fever was subsided.However swellings on both arms and legs persisted.. Off late on my both solders i am suffering severe pain and enable to make any movement, i feel like inner vain of my both hands are getting stretched/pulled (right from my solder to the finger tips and swelling on both hands and legs are still there. My doctor says that it may continue for another two three months and proscribed me only pain killer tablets.Doctor says that there is no specific medicine for Dengue. I got thorough blood and urine test along with other test like scanning, x-ray etc. All the test reports are normal except slightly blood sugar (PP) on higher side and enlargement of prostate gland (which is there since last 10 years and i am on regular medicine (silodosin 8-mg, one tab a day) Kindly advise me with your good suggestions that what could be the cause of this problem and which expert doctor I should consult since it is very difficult situation for carrying out my routine activities and also I can't sleep properly due to severe pain. Thank you
Ans: Post viral illness can trigger different chain of immune reactions
They are mostly self limiting if your lifestyle is well disciplined.
Here are the points towards a healthy lifestyle
1.Early dinner by 6 pm and avoid animal protein and fat at dinner meal
2.Sleeping time to be regulated. Fix a specific time around 9/9.30 pm and unwind from the world particularly off media from 7 pm
3.Regular brisk walking 30 mts a day five days a week
4.Balanaced nutrition and avoid highly refined carbohydrates

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |132 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 14, 2024

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Money
I am going to turn 34 years old this year. Me and my wife earn 3.7 Lakh Per Month In Hand (Post all deductions: Tax, EPF), above included salary and rental. 3 Lakh per month i can invest. How do you suggest i should invest for achieving my goals. In my family i have my Wife, Son 4 YO and my parents. Live with my parents in my own house so i do not plan to buy house. My wife and my own current savings: - 80 lakhs in Equity (PMS and Mutual Funds). - 45 Lakh in Crypto Currency (Invested 5 lakh very early and i want to stay invested). - Commercial Real Estate Office Worth 1 Cr. yielding rental of 47 thousand per month. - 15 Lakh Provident Fund - 20 Lakh Bank FD & Arbitrage Fund (Emergency Fund) - 5 Lakh Savings Account (Day today expenses) Expenses: - 70k per Month including everything (Daily expense, Vacation, mobile etc). - Our monthly expense is low as my father is also working and many other expenses (around 50k) are taken care by him only. I have health insurance cover from my company of 6.5 lakh. Personal medical insurance of 10 lakh. Term insurance from my company of around 1.7 crore. Personal Term Insurance of 4 crore. Zero loans. Goals: - 1.5 crore in today's terms 10-12 years later to reconstruct the house. - 40 lakh, 6 years later for new car. - 3-4 crore at age of around 55 (For my personal goal). - 2 crore for my son higher education. - 30 crore for my retirement.
Ans: Thanks for candidly sharing your goals, current income and savings/investments.

You have adequate term life cover but recommend to cover family and parents with healthcare cover of 50 L as a minimum considering increasing cost of medical treatments and rise in illnesses with age.

Your existing investments are considered as 95 L (Ignoring Emergency fund and saving account balance)

Crypto holdings are considered 0 since they are highly volatile, unregulated and not backed by any tangible asset.

1.5 Cr house reconstruction expenses 12 years hence translates into around 3 Cr considering 6% inflation.

So start a SIP of 90K for 12 years into Nippon India Multicap Fund & HDFC top 100 Fund(50:50)which may yield a corpus of 3.12 Cr(Considering modest return of 13%)

Next goal is car purchase after 6 years so initiate a SIP of 40K in HDFC balanced advantage fund which will yield a corpus of 40L considering modest return of 10.5%

Next goal is a corpus of 3-5 Cr when you will be 55 so you can do a SIP of 50K in PPFAS flexicap fund which will yield a corpus of 5.73 Cr assuming conservative return of 13%

Further important goal is corpus for child education so considering timeframe of 14 years recommend to do a SIP of 50K in HDFC Children's Gift Fund which will yield a corpus of 2Cr+ assuming modest return of 12%

Finally retirement goal of 30Cr assumed to be 25 years from now so you may start a SIP of 70K in ICICI Pru Retirement Fund Pure Equity Plan which yield you a corpus of 15.9 Cr considering modest growth of 13%.
Plus your corpus of 95 L at a modest return of 9.5% will yield a value of 9.18Cr after 25 years
So your total retirement corpus is now 15.9+9.18=25.08 Cr
Further the amount getting released after achievement of all other goals apart from retirement can be redeployed in a value based BAF(HDFC; 10% return) for residual span towards retirement goal.
i.e. 90K for 13 years --2.89 Cr
40K for 19 years--2.73 Cr
50K for 5 years----0.39 Cr
50K for 11 years---1.2 Cr
Total_-----------------------7.21 Cr

Adding this to our earlier calculated retirement corpus gives us comprehensive retirement corpus of 7.21+25.08= 32.21 Cr

Anything you get from Crypto is bonus!!

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates

Happy Investing!!

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6292 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 14, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 27 years old studying 3rd year MD, have the following monthly SIPs. 1.PPF 12500 2. PLI 5300 3. Jeevan Umang 5400 4. RD 4500 5. ICICI equity and debt fund 5000 6. ICICI india oppertunity fund 2000 7. Kotak multi cap fund 2000 8. Sundaram service fund 2000 9. Nippon small cap fund 2000 10. HDFC multi cap fund 2000 11. Canara robaco blue chip equity fund 2000 12. Motilal Oswal large and mid cap 5000 Please evaluate my portfolio and advice Do I need to cancel any of the above Or should I go for alternatives than above mentioned Kindly suggest
Ans: At the age of 27, with a long-term investment horizon, you have built a diverse portfolio. However, a review of your portfolio is necessary to ensure optimal returns and financial security. Let’s assess each of your existing investments while providing insights on potential improvements.

1. PPF (Public Provident Fund)

The PPF is a solid choice for risk-free, tax-efficient, long-term savings.

It offers guaranteed returns and tax benefits under Section 80C.
It should be continued as part of your debt allocation.
However, you may want to limit over-reliance on low-return instruments like PPF, as it has a lock-in period of 15 years and a lower growth potential compared to equities.
2. Postal Life Insurance (PLI)

PLI is one of the oldest and most reliable life insurance products in India.

It offers low premiums with high returns.
However, if you are purely looking for life cover, term insurance may offer a higher sum assured at a lower cost.
For wealth accumulation, this may not be the most optimal choice due to its moderate returns. It is advisable to review whether you need both PLI and Jeevan Umang (discussed below).
3. Jeevan Umang

Jeevan Umang is a combination of life insurance and investment, providing regular payouts.

Such investment-cum-insurance plans generally offer lower returns compared to mutual funds.
You might want to re-evaluate keeping this plan since standalone life insurance (term insurance) combined with mutual fund investments may provide better growth and flexibility.
Cancelling or surrendering this policy should be considered after evaluating its surrender value and whether it's feasible based on your financial goals.
4. Recurring Deposit (RD)

RDs are low-risk instruments but have relatively lower returns.

While RDs ensure capital safety, they might not be ideal for wealth creation, especially for long-term goals.
Since you're still young with a long investment horizon, it might be better to channel more funds into equities for higher growth potential.
Consider reducing or stopping this RD and redirecting the funds into equity-based investments.
5. ICICI Equity and Debt Fund

This hybrid fund is a balanced option offering exposure to both equity and debt.

It provides the potential for growth through equities while managing volatility with debt.
As you are young and have a long-term horizon, a higher allocation towards pure equity funds might yield better long-term results.
Evaluate whether you need a hybrid fund in your portfolio, as your other debt investments (PPF, RD) already provide stability.
6. ICICI India Opportunity Fund

This is a thematic fund, focused on certain sectors or market opportunities.

Thematic funds can be more volatile and risky compared to diversified equity funds.
Consider whether you need exposure to such a niche strategy. These funds can work well in a bull market but may not be ideal for consistent long-term growth.
It might be wiser to replace this fund with a more diversified equity mutual fund for better stability.
7. Kotak Multi Cap Fund

Multi-cap funds invest across large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap stocks.

Multi-cap funds are suitable for long-term growth as they provide diversification across different market capitalisations.
This is a good choice to hold as it balances risk and returns by spreading investments across different categories.
No change is required here.
8. Sundaram Service Fund

Thematic funds like this one tend to focus on specific industries or sectors.

Sector-focused funds are prone to higher volatility due to limited diversification.
While such funds can provide high returns in specific cycles, they may not be ideal for consistent long-term growth.
You could consider switching to a diversified equity fund to reduce concentration risk.
9. Nippon Small Cap Fund

Small-cap funds have high growth potential but are also volatile.

Given your long-term horizon, small-cap funds can offer excellent growth opportunities.
However, small-cap funds should be a part of your portfolio, but with a smaller allocation due to higher risks.
Keep an eye on the fund’s performance and market conditions but maintain some exposure to small caps for aggressive growth.
10. HDFC Multi Cap Fund

Similar to the Kotak Multi Cap Fund, this fund offers broad exposure across different types of companies.

Multi-cap funds are an important component of a well-diversified portfolio.
Holding multiple multi-cap funds may lead to overlapping stock investments, so it may be beneficial to consolidate into one multi-cap fund for simplicity and efficiency.
No immediate need for cancellation, but consider streamlining your investments.
11. Canara Robeco Blue Chip Equity Fund

Blue chip equity funds invest in well-established companies with strong track records.

Blue chip funds are a stable option for long-term wealth creation with moderate risk.
These funds tend to perform well in the long term, providing stable growth.
Continue investing in blue-chip equity for consistent, lower-risk returns.
12. Motilal Oswal Large and Mid Cap Fund

This fund invests in a mix of large and mid-cap companies.

Large and mid-cap funds offer a balance of stability from large caps and growth potential from mid caps.
It’s a good choice to keep, given your long-term investment horizon.
Continue your SIP in this fund as it provides a diversified exposure to both stable and high-growth companies.
Portfolio Insights

Your portfolio is a mix of both equity and debt instruments. There are areas where you could improve efficiency and focus more on growth. Since you are young, your portfolio should focus more on equity investments rather than debt or conservative instruments.

Here are some points for improvement:

Consider reducing or stopping PLI, Jeevan Umang, and RD. They offer lower returns and are not ideal for wealth accumulation.
Consolidate your multi-cap funds to avoid redundancy and improve efficiency.
Consider moving away from thematic funds (ICICI India Opportunity, Sundaram Service) and replace them with more diversified options for better risk management.
Maintain small exposure to small-cap funds but don’t over-allocate due to volatility.
Large-cap and blue-chip funds should continue, as they provide stability to your portfolio.
Investment Strategy Moving Forward

Since you are currently pursuing your MD, you might want to focus on building a strong long-term growth portfolio. The following strategy could help you optimise your investments:

Increase Equity Exposure: Given your young age and long-term goals, you could increase your equity exposure to maximise returns. Equity mutual funds have historically outperformed other asset classes over long periods.

Reduce Debt Instruments: PPF is a good debt instrument, but the RD and life insurance policies may not be ideal for wealth creation. Consider directing those funds into more growth-oriented investments.

Review Insurance Needs: If your current life insurance policies are not providing adequate coverage, switch to a term plan that offers high coverage at a lower premium. This will allow you to free up more funds for investment purposes.

Consolidate and Simplify: You have multiple schemes in similar categories, which might lead to unnecessary overlap. Streamlining your portfolio by focusing on a few high-quality funds can make it easier to track performance.

Continue SIPs: SIPs are a great way to invest systematically. Increase your SIPs in funds with strong performance records and reduce exposure to underperforming or high-risk funds.

Monitor Portfolio Regularly: Keep track of your fund performance, rebalance annually, and make adjustments as needed to align with your goals.

Final Insights

Your portfolio is already in a good shape for someone at the start of their professional career. However, there are some areas where you could optimise for better returns. By focusing more on equity and less on conservative products like life insurance and RDs, you can enhance your wealth creation potential.

This shift in strategy will allow you to focus on long-term growth, ensuring a solid financial foundation for the future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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