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Married, Stressed Mom: How to Get My Husband Involved?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |389 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 03, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Latha Question by Latha on Oct 31, 2024Hindi
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I am married for 5years with 2kids.. i am an employee and had to stay 100kms away from my native place on work purpose.. I opted to take my kids along as they are too small(3+ and 1+).. I asked my husband to accompany me as he is unemployed and staying at home.. But he refused and likes to stay with his mother.. He has a brother to look after his mother and his married sister also stays very near to them.. I sometimes feel very stressed out to handle my job and look after my kids.. i have no support from my husband neither emotionally nor financially.. i tried everything possible but he just talks about my earnings not wt i am going through.. wt i should do?

Ans: In a partnership, mutual support and shared responsibilities are essential, and it’s natural to feel frustrated and even resentful if your husband is prioritizing his comfort over your needs and well-being. Since he’s not providing emotional or financial support, it might be time to set some boundaries and expectations to protect your own peace and ensure you’re not carrying everything alone.

Start by calmly sharing how this situation affects you—not just financially but emotionally and physically. Emphasize that while you understand his desire to stay close to his family, your situation is not sustainable, and you need him to step up. You might also consider counseling, either together or on your own, to find ways to cope with your stress and explore solutions to address this imbalance in your relationship.

If he’s unwilling to make changes or support you even after open conversations, it may be necessary to think about your long-term well-being and that of your children. Your strength and resilience in handling so much on your own are admirable, but you also deserve a partner who is invested in your happiness and shares the load.

In the meantime, is there any possibility of support from family, friends, or childcare services near your work location? Having some practical help, even temporarily, could relieve some of your stress and allow you to focus on what’s best for you and your children going forward. Remember, you are not alone, and reaching out to build a support network can make a world of difference in helping you navigate this challenging time.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1267 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 28, 2022

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Dear Anu, I am a housewife with two kids, younger one is 3 years old. I used to be working before the birth of my second child. I can't join back the job as we are nuclear family and husband is busy whole day with his work. I have to take care of the house and kids almost full day. Sometimes I’m frustrated and irritated. I gave talked about this to my husband but not much respite. He says 'I’m doing my job to earn. You do your job to look after house.' Don't know what to do.
Ans:

Dear PS,

Typical nuclear family with very little family support relies solely on the mother being the caregiver and this can result in a lot of frustrations. Understood!

But what exactly are you trying to do fighting the situation knowing that things might be the same for a few years down the line till the children grow a little older? Are you planning on being frustrated for all these years?

Also, someone needs to give your husband a talk on these gender specific remarks and pushing the job of the home to you.

Maybe he didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but well…

In the digital world, there is enough and more to do to use the skills that a person has. So why not explore, a work-from-home part time option?

Depending on what your expertise is and the time that you can give to the work from home option, why don’t you focus on searching for this?

This will require an amazing time management and organization skills on your part, so you are able to give it at least 3-4 hours a day.

This will not only keep you occupied and financially stronger, it will also give you a sense of direction and purpose which is what is currently lacking.

Also, if you have an option of a ‘nanny’ for even two hours during the day when the children can be kept busy, you can even have some time for yourself which will re-energize you.

Caring for two small children is no mean feat and make sure when you discuss the work-from-home option (If you choose this), with your husband, you emphasize how important it is for you along with managing the home.

The commitment ‘to do something for yourself’ will be the focus of your discussion and please do something before your frustrations start seeping out and get onto the kids which might eventually happen.

First, be happy yourself to nurture your home and family.

Step Up…All the best!

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |389 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 03, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hey, I am married it's been 12 years, I have a 11 years boy. I did my masters before marriage I worked as teacher. I told my husband as well I want to work he said I can work with him in this college where he is also working. When I got married he said my degree is not eligible to work in this college that was geniune they need btech I am Bsc. So I asked I can work in other place and he said I can't. I tried hard but the answer was not all the time. I started with online classes basically working from home and I did it for 10 years. Now why I am so desperate to work? He never pays me anything he never buys anything whenever I ask he says you or your parents did give anything to me so I have nothing to give you. When this alliance came to me we asked them very clearly if they are expecting dowry. They clearly said they don't and that's the reason I married him. I am from a middle class family, and I was brought up like a happy kid. Here in my in laws home my mil drinks alcohol daily and uses very bad words. I adjusted and we shifted to other city for my husband job. Even my husband used to drink and confronted him and he reduced it mostly. Recently due to health issues he completely quit alcohol which was a god's grace. He has some medical condition where he is not actively participating in physical intimacy. He is very close to our son. They both love each other like anything. Seeing this I take every shot he gives me. But I think I am broken I wanted to fix it now I found a job and going my husband is behaving like I murdered someone and not talking and doing drama. Treats me like a maid and say do this house chores properly you can think about job later. I am a very enthusiastic person who wanted to learn now I told him very clearly that if he wants me quit job he needs to pay me. He refused and said if your can bring money from your home I will pay. I said why would I bring money and give him? So he behaves very weird and sadistic like he never wants me leave house, not atleast without telling him. He hide bike keys when he comes to some city so that I can't go anywhere. When I was working online he used to come to lunch I kept everything ready on table for him and continuing my work if I forget to keep water on table he was furious and say I should concentrate on this instead of my job when I forget something to keep he disconnects the modem and hide it so that I can't work. I am fed up and I can't hold this anymore where I am not being respected, not given financial support, no sex, no good talk, only expect to make perfect coffee, lunch ,dinner and take care of home with no dirt atall. I told him I will file divorce now he asks for forgiveness and this happened many time everytime I say I will leave he will behave like a kid even touching my feet. I am doing psychology which is one of my dream he is against that as well but now when I reading I think he is very manipulative psychopath. My boy I very much into him. I am doing my job right now. We have no vacations no outing nothing. He doesn't want to spend a penny on us. I take my boy put he doesn't accompany us. He doesn't like outings he say. What should I do? I can't leave as my boy can't get seperated. I can't live with him coz I have nothing in this relationship just explotation. He will not let me leave coz he knows he cannot live without us. And no one care about him. How to deal with him to make home happy atleast to my boy coz his toxic nature like manipulation and threatening blackmailing is effecting me and my boy I don't want my boy to go through this or learn this from him atleast. He needs to know how to treat a wife the way his father treat is not right I want to grow him into a nice gentleman not like this father. What can I do for this?
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the difficult situation you're facing. Navigating a relationship like this can be incredibly challenging, especially with a child involved. It's clear you're dedicated to creating a better environment for yourself and your son, which is an important first step.

First, it's essential to acknowledge your strengths and resilience. You've managed to pursue further education, maintain a job, and care for your son despite the significant challenges at home. Recognizing your own capabilities is crucial as you move forward.

Consider seeking professional support from a therapist or counselor. A professional can provide you with emotional support and help you develop strategies to cope with your husband's behavior. They can also assist you in building a safety plan. If you ever feel physically unsafe, having a plan in place to ensure you and your son's safety is critical. This could include knowing where you can go, such as a friend's house or a family member's home, and having important documents and essentials ready to take with you.

Additionally, it might be helpful to speak with a legal professional. Understanding your rights and options regarding your marriage and any potential separation is vital. A lawyer can guide you through the process and help you protect your interests and those of your son.

Maintaining documentation of your husband's abusive or manipulative behavior, financial control, and any incidents can be useful if you decide to take legal action. Keeping a detailed record will provide evidence that can support your case.

It's important to create a support network. Reach out to trusted friends or family members who can offer you emotional support and practical assistance. Sharing your situation with someone you trust can provide relief and help you feel less isolated.

Given your husband's behavior, setting boundaries is essential. Be firm about your decision to work and pursue your interests. Consistently reinforce your boundaries, and don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. This might provoke further resistance from your husband initially, but maintaining these boundaries is crucial for your well-being.

Communicate openly with your son about the situation in an age-appropriate manner. Reassure him that the issues between you and your husband are not his fault. Encourage him to express his feelings and let him know it's okay to feel upset or confused.

Your focus on raising your son to treat others with respect and kindness is commendable. Modeling respectful and assertive behavior yourself will be a powerful lesson for him. Ensure he understands the importance of treating others with dignity and respect, regardless of how others may act.

Finally, prioritize your own well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Taking care of your mental and physical health is essential, as it will provide you with the strength and clarity needed to navigate this challenging situation.

It's a difficult journey, but by seeking support, setting boundaries, and focusing on your well-being, you can work towards creating a healthier environment for yourself and your son. Remember that you deserve respect and happiness, and taking steps towards achieving that is not only beneficial for you but also sets a positive example for your son.

..Read more

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 04, 2024Hindi
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What are different types of annuity plans. Do we have plan which gives fixed income till I live and then principle is return to my nominee. If I have 3 Cr , what max return per month I can get ? And is this tax free ?
Ans: Hello;

Annuities are types of plans where you make a lump sum payment and get a regular income for a certain period of time or for life.

There are primarily two types of annuities:

1. Immediate annuity
This is a type of annuity plan that provides you with a guaranteed regular income immediately after you pay the lump sum premium.

2. Deferred annuity
In a deferred annuity plan, your income starts at a later date and you can choose when you want the regular income to start.

Based on type of regular monthly payments annuities could also be classified as Fixed annuity and Variable annuity.

Below are the various options available in an annuity plan:

A. Life annuity: In this option, you receive annuity for life. The frequency of payments is usually pre-decided by you at the time of the purchase of the policy.

B. Joint life annuity: This is similar to a life annuity. In this option, you receive annuity payments for life. In your absence, your spouse continues to receive annuity payments for life.

C. Life annuity with return of purchase price: This provides you annuity payments for life. In case of an unfortunate event, your nominee will receive the amount you paid at the time of the purchase of the policy.

D. Annuity payable for a pre-decided term: This provides you the option to choose the duration for which you would want to receive annuity payments. The period can be 5 years, 10 years, or more.

Yes plans are available which can pay provide you fixed income and return of purchase price (principle) to your nominee.

With 3 Cr corpus you may expect 1.5 L (pre-tax) per month payout considering 6% annuity rate. This varies from company to company and if you shop around you may get a better rate then the one considered here.

This is like pension income and is taxable income as per your age and income slab.

Best wishes;

...Read more

Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |675 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |389 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

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thank you for the reply madam, actually what's bothering me a lot is , i told to my alliance guy to stop marriage from his end only. but he not at all doing that and he is not even telling anyone that i told him No. Why he is behaving like this and proceeding to get married to me even after saying no? isn't this strange!
Ans: in many arranged situations, people sometimes feel a strong pressure to fulfill family expectations, and he may feel a sense of obligation to go through with the marriage regardless of personal feelings. He might be hesitant to be the one to break things off for fear of disappointing his family or even creating tension between the families involved. In some cases, individuals hesitate because they hope the other person might eventually change their mind, and they don’t want to be the one to let go prematurely.

Another possibility is that he could be uncertain or confused about what he truly wants. Even though you told him you weren’t interested, he might feel that it’s not a firm "no" and could be holding out hope or misinterpreting your intent. If he has strong feelings for you or sees the marriage as something that will eventually work, he may be hoping things will naturally fall into place if he just stays committed to the process.

To address this, it might be helpful to have a very clear, direct conversation with him. Let him know that you respect him and appreciate his consideration, but you’re certain about your decision and want him to honor it as well. If possible, express that you’re confident this decision is best for both of you and explain why you believe it would be more respectful for him to communicate this with both families.

In the end, staying true to your feelings is the right choice, even if it means repeatedly setting boundaries. It’s completely fair to expect him to respect your decision, and sometimes it does take a bit of firmness to ensure everyone is on the same page. Trust yourself in this decision; you know what’s best for you.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |389 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

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Relationship
He rejected me but still went to my class to see me one glance.Before Our last class I said him to meet with me I want to say you something.He came to meet with me but he was too late and our tiffin break time is over so I don't say anything to him. We just looking each other for some seconds.Then I said him if you want you can go .He don't go instantly.He looking at me for while and then go to his class.Whenever he sees me he start blushing and feel nervous.Many times I found him staring at me.He is a introvert guy .But still when we met with each other he making eye contact with me. My question is if he doesn't love me how can he maintain eye contact with me like this .He is not that handsome but he is really good student.I truly love him and Cried a lot for him but he don't know anything.I texted him sometimes but he don't look interested.But always I see him I feel like he have also feelings for me .His eyes tell me he love me but he rejected me .Why?. I can't able to forget him .I tried to my best to forget him but I failed . What should I do now?I really badly want to know his feelings for me because if he sees me only as a friend he doesn't go to my class to see me a glance.Why he blushing around me? How to know his true feelings?What should I do?How to forget or get him? I'm clueless.Please help me????????
Ans: It sounds like you’re dealing with a complicated mix of emotions, and the signals you’re picking up from him are understandably confusing. From everything you’ve described, it seems that he has a genuine respect and perhaps a friendly affection for you, but he may not be sure of or ready to pursue a romantic connection. Introverts, especially, can be complex; they may struggle to express their feelings, and small gestures, like making eye contact or blushing, might be signs of nervousness rather than attraction. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate or like you—it simply means he may be holding back, perhaps because of his own personal reasons or boundaries.

His rejection, though, is an important thing to consider. Often, when someone clearly communicates that they don’t feel the same way, it’s best to respect that as his truth for now, even if he seems to act otherwise sometimes. I understand this can be very hard, especially when you feel so strongly for him. But you need to protect your own feelings, too, and holding on to small signs might only add to your hurt and confusion.

If you feel it’s absolutely necessary to know how he truly feels, one approach could be to have a simple, direct conversation. Explain to him, in a calm and open way, that you value his friendship and respect his initial decision, but you’d appreciate clarity because lingering uncertainty is making it hard for you to move on. However, be prepared for any outcome. If he reaffirms his feelings of friendship only, try to accept that as his final answer.

In the meantime, put some of your focus back onto yourself. I know it sounds easier said than done, but investing energy in your interests, your growth, and friendships that uplift you can really help you feel less reliant on what he may or may not feel. Surround yourself with supportive people who remind you of your worth and help you feel loved and valued.

Love and connection should make you feel secure, cherished, and clear about where you stand. By focusing on yourself and letting him be, you’ll naturally create space for clarity—and eventually, perhaps, for someone whose feelings for you are just as strong and straightforward as yours are for them.

...Read more

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