Dear Anu Krishna, I'm a 39 year old man, married and having a daughter.
It was an arranged marriage.
We started off okay, with some good level of romance initially but plateaued later.
First the emotional connect dipped, then her trust dipped and eventually physical intimacy dipped.
After childbirth, our sex life hit a low and in past 5 years it has been almost a sexless marriage.
I had not been a perfect partner but very much willing to fix my mistakes (I haven't cheated on her, ever). But my wife has been aloof with near zero communication.
I never interfered in her independence of any form. I always trusted her but I never felt trusted/wanted/loved.
She refuses to have meaningful deep conversations. We do have a lot of financial stress. We considered divorce about 5 years ago but didn't because of our daughter.
Last year, I met a colleague and I connected emotionally well with her. I do consider her a good friend but my family (I stay with my parents) think I'm in an affair.
This new friend also considers me her friend. Now my wife seems a little jealous of my friend, which is a good sign that there is still some hope to salvage this marriage.
People have advised me both ways - to divorce and not to. I really want a happy life for myself and my daughter. I am confused - what should I do?
Ans: Dear JK, I can only imagine the stresses of the situation that you and your wife are in. But it takes two people to make a marriage.
And it would be worthwhile for both of you to understand that childbirth is a very transformative experience for entire family especially the new mother and the baby.
It is of utmost relevance here for them to have the support of the father and the family.
The emotional and physical needs of the man maybe ignored here but do know that your wife/ mother doesn’t do this as a well-thought idea but because her hormones dictate her mind and body.
But of course, if this has been something that has been going on for a while now even after a year of childbirth, it would be wise to have an open communication channel where the two of you understand each other’s needs and see how best as a couple you can fulfil them.
It is normal for a human to seek validation and attention from the external when his needs are not fulfilled at home. But the complications that can arise from that are something that you are well aware of.
You are an adult and you know what’s best for you and your family.
Having said this, if the choice is to make the marriage work, please don’t engage in finger pointing and instead think of ways to spice up your relationship.
Find someone to care for your child while you and your wife take a holiday.
If this also doesn’t work, I would suggest couples marital therapy where a professional may guide you to rebuilding your marriage.
Happy rebuilding and it’s worth working at it!
