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Dehradun woman trapped in loveless marriage in Meerut: Can it be salvaged?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |545 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 21, 2024Hindi
Relationship

Hello, I am from a good educated family in Dehradun. I got married 3 years back in an arranged marriage setup through a mediator in Meerut. My husband has a small sportswear factory above his home only and mostly he is at home. I have a widowed MIL and SIL who is married just a year before me. There were problems in my marriage from the very beginning but my parents and me were too naive to see the red flags. They had demanded 20lakh cash and also my parents had given them lot of gold silver items which my MIL has withheld and says I have taken everything and my husband also supports her everytime. He is a mumma's and sister's boy and lies to me all the time. He does not value my opinions and expects me to obey him and his mother. He verbally abuses too much which he did not disclose before marriage. I left my job before marriage as my parents were finding a match for me from past 2 years but were fed up so there desperation got me married here in Meerut. They mentioned there income as 20-25lakh in biodata but I still don't know the real income of my husband. He says he has taken loan from his mother and is in her debt and says all the time that his, his mother and his sister's bond is unbreakable, without me asking. From beginning I was not treated like a family member but they just instructed me what were my responsibilities of cooking and handling house and bowing down to her sister and brother-in-law. My husband never stood up for me in beginning. One night he became so abusive that he twisted my hand and verbaly abused my family so much. I in fear called my mother and they took me back. I filed a case against him and we stayed separately for around 1.3 years. That was a horrific time for me and my parents, going to courts and they never appearing once. I started online MBA and small job side by side to bear my expenses as my husband was not supporting financially at all. He was not ready to give back our money or jewellery and just saying he wanted to stay with me, but I did not wanted to go back to that house. His mother created too much drama in front of him and foul language was normal in that house. After a counselling session I arranged, which he was not ready to attend but I convinced him, we decided to give it another chance as he apologised to me and my parents. and I also thought about my future which would impact my family and younger sister as well. So his family came to our house to take me back and welcomed me nicely this time with bouquet and my husband decorated our room with balloons. 3-4 months it was all well, they behaved nicely, I ignored small things his mother said or did. I tried to recreate the bond with them, but there rude behaviour returned. His mother's insecurity is impacting me and my husband's relation so much, that he ignores my needs for her and does not see I'm in pain even if I tell him. I am filled with anger and frustration now and when I share it with my husband, he blames me for overthinking and verbally abuse me sometimes for destroying his life. I am going in depression due to this and unable to focus on my studies or any work. Due to this stress I don't feel like staying in that house and frequently visit my parents house, but my husband does not let me live in peace here also, he keeps verbally abusing and taunting me for staying at my parents so much and tells me he cannot come every second month there in a very rude abusive tone. I am fed-up of his dual attitude, one day he showers so much love, next day he gets so out of control. With rest of the world he is so sweet and shows he loves me so much, which has brought me in a bad light to think so bad of him. My problems are everyday little problems for them which I should bear. Currently I am 7 month pregnant and at my parents home. He beared my meds and doctor expenses there, but keeps on reminding me this that he has done this, he brought an almira for me after so many months of me begging him because they did not had any basic amenities arranged for me beforehand. My parents gave automatic washing machine, and few more new items during marriage but no gratitude for anything, instead they keep telling me they got almira for me, put khanewali for me as if they are not eating that food. I had cooked full 3 time meals and serving them on there bed, still they say 'kuch ni karti, kamre mei rehti hai. mumyji ke sath ni baithti, iske lie ye kardia, ghuma ke late hain' or meri kamiya ginate rete hain. They do not tell full truth, what me and my parents have done for them. My husband does not know proper English also and thinks himself no less than a king. His mother and sister enables his bad behaviour and laugh it off. I am worried for my future now as now a kid is involved. I had left my job again to go back as everyone told me to focus on mending relations first. He does not seem to care much for the baby also. When I tell him I have a headache, he tells me he has more headaches and responsibilities than me. Never really understood my feelings or cared genuinely. Mostly worried about money. All financial assets are in his mother's control so he has to bow down to her tantrums, and expects me to do that as well. She keeps showing him how sick she is, but goes to kitty parties and my husband takes her mostly everywhere with us on vacations. If me and my husband go even on a 2-day trip, my husband keeps video calling her because he knows her insecurity. She also keeps saying things like, 'tere bina pal pal katna bhari hora' like a couple talks. But if my SIL goes on 6 day trip with her husband, then she is very happy and tells them to enjoy. This gives me chills and spoils my mood everytime. My husband knows it yet he does not say or do anything about it. But I cannot continue like this, I feel suffocated and stuck many times, not knowing if I even belong here or not. My husband feels spending money on counselling is a waste so he will not take it now. Pls guide what should I do next. Can this relation be saved or not?

Ans: Since your husband is unwilling to attend counseling, consider seeking therapy for yourself. A therapist can help you process your emotions, build resilience, and identify what you need to feel secure and valued. Your emotional well-being is crucial not just for you but also for your baby, as stress during pregnancy can have long-term effects.

Open communication is essential, but it seems your husband is dismissive of your concerns. Try one last time to have an honest conversation with him. Clearly express your feelings and the changes you need to see for the relationship to work. Focus on specific actions, like setting boundaries with his mother, reducing verbal abuse, and showing emotional and financial responsibility.

If these conversations don’t lead to meaningful change, you may need to consider the long-term implications of staying in this environment. Living in a toxic household can have a profound impact on you and your child. If leaving feels like the safest option for your mental and physical well-being, work with your family to plan a way forward. This could involve legal steps to secure your rights and ensure support for your child.

Your efforts to mend the relationship show your commitment, but it’s vital to remember that a healthy marriage requires mutual respect and effort. If your husband and his family are unwilling to meet you halfway, prioritizing your own peace and stability might be the best decision for you and your baby.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1527 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, I got married in December 2012. Love marriage, we met in the office. I clearly told him that if I get married I would need to give one years salary to my dad as he has loan installments to pay and also told him my dad would do good wedding arrangements however no dowry should be asked. When his parents came to see me for the first time they came all prepared to finalize the relationship however we weren't aware. Me and my parents thought they are just coming to see me and the family. But when they started off with basic rituals that is when we were stunned but then went along. His father asked dowry from my dad and he was speechless but when I denied my father spoke to them and said he will bear all their expenses too but won't be able to give dowry. When I confronted my husband he said he wasn't aware that his dad will ask for dowry. We got married and when we visited his hometown his father confessed that he was not aware that me and my husband had discussed no dowry part otherwise he would not have asked my father. I was infuriated but I let it go. Soon after an year my salary started coming in and he would tranfer it in his account. I did not pay attention to it. Soon all the money was in his control. There came a situation in my family, my sister's wedding was called off by groom's end three days before the wedding and it was a shock. My husband asked us to write a letter stating all about the situation so that it can be submitted to the police. My husband kept a copy of that letter with him. During the lockdown my father asked for some monetary help from me but my husband denied to help him, and I started hating him to my core. Soon my mother in law moved in with us when my father in law expired. Since then our relationship sucked. She would always manipulate his son. I got so furious I started putting sugar in my husband's milk as he is diabetic and then later confessed it to him. Now he is threatening me of releasing that letter to my sister's husband and also has kept all the money in his control. He says he will make me feel sorry for what I did and also we are just living in my home but we have no relation and he does not talk to me. I don't want this relationship to flourish anyways but I need to know what can I do if I can get half of the assets. Please suggest what I can do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Since you have decided not to stay within the marriage, the best recourse would be to seek legal advice and move ahead. He/She will advice you on assets split, custody etc.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

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I have utilised my sale proceedings and hence the entire capital gains by registering a new flat, but the entire payment is not released to the builder. It will be released in a phased manner as per progress of the building. Do I still need to open a CGAS account and put the unutilized capital gains money there?
Ans: Since you have already registered the new flat and fully committed the capital gains towards its purchase, you do not need to open a Capital Gains Account Scheme (CGAS) account. However, there are some key points to consider:

1. Conditions for Capital Gains Exemption (Section 54 or 54F)
You must invest the capital gains in a new residential property within 2 years (for resale property) or within 3 years (for under-construction property).
Since you have registered the property, your investment is considered "committed" even if payments are made in phases.
The Income Tax Department typically considers the date of agreement/registration as the date of investment, not the date of actual payment.
2. When is a CGAS Account Needed?
A CGAS account is required only if the capital gains money is not used before the Income Tax Return (ITR) filing deadline (July 31st) of the respective financial year.
Since your funds are already allocated towards the flat purchase, you are not required to park them in CGAS, even if disbursement is pending.
3. Ensure Proper Documentation
Keep records of the flat registration, builder agreement, and payment schedule.
Retain proofs of capital gains utilization from the sale proceeds.
If assessed, you can justify that the gains were committed for the property purchase.
Final Insights
Since you have already registered the new flat and the payment schedule is fixed, you do not need a CGAS account. However, ensure that all payments are completed within 3 years to comply with exemption rules. Keep all documents handy in case of future tax scrutiny.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2025Hindi
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Money
Is it wise to switch between debt and equity composition within a mixed fund/ULIP depending on the market, for a long term investor? Considering that NAVs will be lower in equity components during market lows and more units could be purchased for the same SIP amount? When the market moves up switch back to get a larger NAV r equity components.
Ans: Switching between debt and equity within a mixed fund or ULIP based on market movements may seem like a smart strategy. The idea is to buy more equity units when the market is down and shift to debt when the market is high. However, in practice, this approach has several risks and limitations.

Here’s a detailed analysis:

1. Challenges of Market Timing
Difficult to Predict Market Lows and Highs

Markets do not move in a straight line.
A dip may continue further, and a peak may not be the highest point.
Many investors switch at the wrong time, missing out on gains.
Emotional Biases Impact Decisions

Fear and greed affect switching decisions.
Many investors switch to debt in panic during a crash and miss the recovery.
Staying invested in equity gives better long-term returns.
ULIPs Have Lock-ins and Charges

ULIP switching may have limits and charges.
Not all ULIPs offer unlimited free switches.
Frequent switching can increase costs and reduce returns.
2. Impact on Long-Term Growth
Compounding Works Best with Consistency

Switching in and out disrupts long-term growth.
Staying in equity for 10+ years gives better returns.
Debt Returns Are Lower

Equity outperforms debt over the long term.
Shifting to debt may reduce overall returns.
Systematic Investments Work Better

SIPs average out market ups and downs.
No need to manually switch between equity and debt.
3. Better Alternatives to Switching
Asset Allocation Based on Goals

If retirement is 20+ years away, equity should be dominant.
If retirement is near, gradually move to debt.
Hybrid Funds Handle Allocation Automatically

Some hybrid funds adjust between debt and equity based on market conditions.
This reduces the need for manual switching.
Investing More During Market Lows

Instead of switching, increase SIPs when the market falls.
This allows more unit accumulation without timing risk.
Final Insights
Switching between debt and equity in a mixed fund or ULIP based on market timing is risky. Long-term investors benefit more from staying invested in equity. Instead of switching, follow a structured asset allocation strategy. Use SIPs to take advantage of market lows rather than manually shifting between asset classes.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

Money
I am 33 years old and married, currently earning an in-hand salary of ₹1.6 crore per annum. My financial portfolio consists of: Stock investments: ₹2.2 crore Mutual funds: ₹70 lakh ULIP portfolio: ₹60 lakh (annual premium ₹22 lakh) Gold holdings: ₹50 lakh Loans: ₹23 lakh car loan (EMI ₹38,000) and ₹40 lakh home loan (EMI ₹38,000) I want to ensure that I am on the right path toward financial growth and early retirement. My goal is to achieve financial freedom while maintaining a comfortable lifestyle. Could you provide guidance on: How to optimize my portfolio for higher returns and passive income?
Ans: Your financial position is strong. Your salary is high, and you have a diversified portfolio. However, there is scope for better returns and passive income. A structured plan will help you reach financial freedom faster.

Here’s a detailed breakdown:

1. Review of Your Current Investments
Stock Investments: Rs 2.2 crore
You have a large stock portfolio.

Stocks give high returns but carry risk.

Review the portfolio for weak stocks.

Ensure a mix of large, mid, and small-cap stocks.

Check if some stocks need profit booking.

Reinvest gains into high-potential stocks or mutual funds.

Keep 15-20% of the portfolio in dividend-paying stocks for passive income.

Mutual Funds: Rs 70 lakh
Mutual funds provide stability with growth.

Avoid over-diversification with too many schemes.

Actively managed funds can outperform passive funds.

Check fund performance over 5+ years.

Increase SIPs for long-term wealth creation.

Ensure a balance of equity, hybrid, and debt funds.

Debt funds help with stability but are taxed at your income tax slab.

ULIP Portfolio: Rs 60 lakh (Annual Premium Rs 22 lakh)
ULIPs combine insurance with investment.

Charges are high, reducing overall returns.

Returns from ULIPs are lower than mutual funds.

Consider surrendering and reinvesting in mutual funds.

Use a pure term plan for life insurance instead.

Gold Holdings: Rs 50 lakh
Gold is a hedge against inflation.

It does not generate passive income.

Physical gold has storage and security issues.

Consider gold ETFs or sovereign gold bonds.

Sovereign gold bonds provide interest income.

Loans: Rs 63 lakh (Car Loan Rs 23 lakh, Home Loan Rs 40 lakh)
Your EMIs are Rs 76,000 per month.
Interest on a home loan is tax-deductible.
Car loan interest is an expense, not an investment.
Consider repaying the car loan early.
Continue home loan if the rate is low.
2. Steps to Optimize Your Portfolio
Increase Passive Income
Invest in dividend-paying stocks.

Add high-dividend mutual funds.

Consider corporate bonds for steady returns.

Invest in REITs for rental income without buying property.

Use sovereign gold bonds for extra interest.

Enhance Mutual Fund Investments
Increase SIPs in actively managed funds.

Ensure sectoral and market cap diversification.

Hybrid funds offer stability and good returns.

Debt funds help balance the portfolio.

Review fund performance every year.

Improve Liquidity
Maintain an emergency fund of Rs 25-30 lakh.

Keep it in liquid funds or high-interest savings accounts.

Avoid locking funds in long-term ULIPs or endowment plans.

Reduce Unnecessary Costs
ULIP charges are high; shift to mutual funds.

Car loan has no tax benefit; consider prepayment.

Ensure you are not overpaying for insurance.

Avoid investing in low-return insurance products.

Maximize Tax Efficiency
LTCG on equity mutual funds above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.
STCG is taxed at 20%.
Debt fund gains are taxed as per your income slab.
Invest in tax-efficient instruments like ELSS funds.
Use HUF and spouse’s name for tax-saving investments.
3. Financial Freedom Plan
Target Passive Income for Early Retirement
Aim for passive income of Rs 1 crore per year.

Invest in high-yield assets like dividend stocks and debt funds.

REITs and bonds provide stable income streams.

SIPs in equity mutual funds create wealth for future income.

Portfolio Allocation for Financial Growth
Equity: 60-65% (Stocks + Equity Mutual Funds)

Debt: 20-25% (Debt Mutual Funds + Bonds)

Gold: 10-15% (SGBs + Gold ETFs)

Emergency Fund: 5% (Liquid Fund + Savings)

Review and Adjust Yearly
Review stocks and mutual funds yearly.
Exit underperforming investments.
Rebalance portfolio as per risk appetite.
Adjust allocation based on market conditions.
Final Insights
Your financial position is strong. Your income allows you to invest aggressively. Focus on increasing passive income for early retirement.

Shift from ULIPs to mutual funds for better returns.
Increase investments in actively managed equity funds.
Reduce high-interest loans and unnecessary costs.
Diversify across asset classes while maintaining liquidity.
Aim for tax-efficient investments to maximize post-tax returns.
If you follow this structured approach, financial freedom is achievable. A well-balanced portfolio with growth and income assets will ensure a comfortable future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

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I have taken a floating home from Axis Bank for 30 lakh last year, with a interest rate of 8.5%, i have also prepaid 5 Lakh within five months, now i have an outstanding amount of arround of 24 lakh, as the RBI reduced the repo rate, Bank is refusing to reduce interest rate from 8.5% to 8.25%. please suggest what should i do now?
Ans: You took a floating-rate home loan from Axis Bank at 8.5% interest.
You prepaid Rs 5 lakh within five months, reducing your outstanding amount to Rs 24 lakh.
RBI reduced the repo rate, but Axis Bank refuses to lower your rate to 8.25%.
Why Your Interest Rate Is Not Reducing
Banks do not always pass repo rate cuts immediately to all borrowers.
Some loans are linked to MCLR (Marginal Cost of Funds Based Lending Rate), which adjusts slowly.
New loans might be under RLLR (Repo Linked Lending Rate), which reacts faster to RBI rate cuts.
Your loan agreement decides how and when rate cuts apply.
What You Can Do
1. Ask for a Rate Reduction
Request Axis Bank to switch your loan to an RLLR-based loan.
Banks charge a conversion fee, but it might save you lakhs in interest over time.
2. Compare with Other Banks
Check other banks' home loan rates for balance transfer options.
If a bank offers a lower rate, consider switching the loan.
Ensure the processing fee & charges don’t negate the benefit.
3. Negotiate with Axis Bank
If you have a good repayment record, negotiate for a lower spread or margin.
Mention that other banks offer better rates, increasing your bargaining power.
4. Make Partial Prepayments
If you have extra savings, consider small prepayments to reduce interest burden.
Prepaying reduces the principal, which lowers total interest paid.
5. Use a Home Loan Overdraft Account
Check if Axis Bank offers a home loan overdraft facility.
You can park surplus money and withdraw when needed, reducing interest payments.
Best Action Plan
Contact Axis Bank and request a switch to an RLLR-based loan.
Compare other banks for balance transfer options.
Negotiate for a lower spread if staying with Axis Bank.
Consider prepayments to reduce long-term interest costs.
By taking the right step now, you can save a significant amount on interest payments.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP
Chief Financial Planner
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 18, 2025Hindi
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I have sold a plot worth for 1.85 cr... I have bought a plot worth 1.4 cr... can i keep the remaining in my saving account for house construction or do i put the balance amount in a cgas account
Ans: Since you sold a plot for Rs 1.85 crore and purchased another plot for Rs 1.4 crore, you have a balance of Rs 45 lakh.

Capital Gains Tax Implication
Long-Term Capital Gains (LTCG): If the plot you sold was held for more than 2 years, the profit is considered long-term capital gains (LTCG) and is subject to tax.
Tax Rate: LTCG on real estate is taxed at 20% with indexation benefit.
Reinvestment for Tax Saving: You can save tax by reinvesting the gains in a residential property under Section 54F of the Income Tax Act.
Can You Keep Rs 45 Lakh in a Savings Account?
No, if you intend to claim tax exemption under Section 54F, you cannot keep the balance amount in a savings account beyond the due date for filing your Income Tax Return (ITR).
If you don't invest in a residential house before filing your ITR, you must deposit the unutilized amount in a Capital Gains Account Scheme (CGAS).
You must use the CGAS amount within 3 years for house construction.
What Should You Do?
If You Are Constructing a House
Deposit Rs 45 lakh in a CGAS account before the due date of filing your ITR.
Use this amount within 3 years for house construction to claim full tax exemption under Section 54F.
If You Are Not Constructing a House
The Rs 45 lakh will be taxed as LTCG, and you must pay 20% tax (after indexation benefits).
Consider other tax-saving options, like investing in bonds under Section 54EC (with a 5-year lock-in).
Final Insights
If you plan to construct a house, deposit the Rs 45 lakh in a CGAS account before filing ITR.
If you don’t use this amount within 3 years, it will be taxed as LTCG in the year of expiry.
If you don’t want to construct a house, be ready to pay LTCG tax or invest in 54EC bonds for tax saving.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP
Chief Financial Planner
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

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