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Confused Wife Facing Relationship Troubles: Should I Fight for My Marriage?

Anu

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 16, 2025

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Mar 07, 2025Hindi
Relationship

I had a very bad past where I was in physical relationship with like 10 guys that was due to the earlier relationship I had where I was being used financially and physically that hurt and me and I got really f***** up in my mind so I started dating guys just for physical relationship then the last guy I was in relationship with I got pregnant with a baby and I aborted it because I did not want to have a future with him and also I did not have confidence to grow that baby. then 4 months later I met my husband I fell in love with him at the first meet and we had physical thing at the very first meet. during the second meet he read the group chat between me and my friends where we spoke bad words ,my husband was not okay with that and he was really feeling bad about it and he started to talk about our break up.I was waiting for my final yr results when I met him soon I got my result then I have to start my internship my husband paid 5 lacs rupees for me but he was anxious that I will be with the friends who I was talking bad words with in college and he wanted to have a breakup and he fighted everyday with that reason .I promised him that I will not be that person anymore and I won't talk to my friends. one day I helped my friend with work for which my husband got angry and he wanted to have a break up and he started to talk about the last guy which I said that he was a friend before and I don't talk to him anymore then he raised question about him and then I told him that I was having a Friends with benefit relationship with him, then things got bitter and he seriously wants break up this time,.everyday he talks to me about that and fights with me I stop going to college .one day I made a suicide attempt and then 2 days after he started talking to me normally. soon again he started asking all those questions about the last guy I have been with, he asked very minute questions about the day and dates and he fighted with me everyday for that. there is a friend of mine who knows everything about my past ,in all these chaos,things got bitter between me and her and we stop talking. one day my husband talked to her and he asked everything about me and he got to know all about my past and he said that he took all the history of my chats ,apps and photos and asked me questions repeatedly and I told him everything completely without hiding anything. then things got messed up. I was really distressed, then my family got involved and things got very bitter, he told everything about my past to my mother. one day, they made me stop talking to him. he sent message to my sister in law and brother about my past, then my mother went to my husband's sister and told her that my husband is making a big mess not allowing me to go to internship and he has all our intimate pictures then things got Messed up more and he stopped talking to me. he was just asking me the 5 lakhs rupees he paid for me and then we stopped talking for about a week, I turned completely insane during that period and I sent him txt that I am not able to live without him .then we started talking, few days after he was okay with me going to the college then again he started fighting he was not ok with me to go to college. then we decided to get register married which a day later he denied.then I ran away from my house to him ,he received me and I was with him for 3 months we lived together for 3 months during which period he spoke really bad of me because of my past which I endured because I was really feeling guilty of my past and I thought I deserved it. he was asking even all those small personal things and he hurted me so much with his words which was mere verbal abuse ,meanwhile I got pregnant then he introduced me to his family and then we got married registered in front of our family. it was an inter religious marriage. all this time he controls me for every little thing like I should do this and I should do that which I did not take seriously then. now everything got secured my mom wanted me to complete my degree in my hometown because I was not able to complete it anywhere else but my husband was not ok with me going to my hometown to complete my degree because of my past things. I have financial things to take care of because of the money spent for my degree so I was thinking to make a deal either to finish my degree or I wanted my husband to give back the money that was spent for my degree because he said so but then later he started to humiliate my family for expecting money from me and he told that they we just see me as an investment to earn back the money they spent on me. But my family wanted me to complete the degree at the first place.this created a lot of arguments between me and him . Finally,one day my mom approach his family and she wanted me to come with her to complete my degree but my husband was not ok with it and I was still supporting him my mom told that she will die if I didn't complete my degree because that was all that she dreamed for me her entire life. then they sent me to my hometown with my mom to complete my degree. after coming here my husband did not talk to me for 2 days, then he texted me that he does not want to live with me. he told that I and my family were being fake and we were using him and we broke him into pieces and made him go through the pain which he did not deserve. I got really emotional and I told him that I wanted to go back to him. he told me that he will take me to him the next day that he will book a bus for me to reach back to him but he did not contact me the next day .then a day later he started making arguments again this time, he said that he wanted divorce from me because he cannot have a life with me .he told that he does not want to be in my life and our child's life, if I want he can give financial support for my child's growth. I denied the money and I told him that I am not willing for a divorce unless or otherwise he wants to marry another girl then he 3 hrs later, he sent a letter of intent to divorce and I did not reply for it .what should I do now?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
As bad or hurtful as it may sound to you, you have simply thrown your life at the mercy of others. They have used you as a puppet only because you have given them permission to do so...past relationships and even now.
What you should do now is:
1. Ask an elder member (not your mother) of the family to intervene and talk to him and his side of the family to see if there is any scope for reconciliation. If there is, then your husband has got to stop playing these games of wanting you one day and then not wanting you the next. It's highly toxic to live with someone who trusts you for a moment and then asks you to prove your innocence the next moment. The two of you will need to get into Intensive Therapy as a couple to put things back together.
2. If there is no scope for reconciliation, please get a good lawyer who can secure the baby's future and yours.

Though you haven't asked me this, for your own good I suggest:
Please understand that no man is going to make you happy. So, depending on them despite the fact that can act toxic, is only draining you mentally and emotionally. Evaluate for yourself what you want from life besides being in relationships constantly. A break from it all will actually help you, you know. At least it will give you sense of how you can be by yourself and what you value the most in your life. Once you get past this stage, you will be stronger to draw boundaries and know how to enforce them. No one will be able to walk over you and you will be able to reclaim your identity.
You come first and your baby is going to need a strong mother raising them. So, step up NOW!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Mar 20, 2025 | Answered on Apr 01, 2025
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At first he was hesitant to introduce me to his family because he was afraid what if his family members get to know my past, that would be awkward and disrespectful to me and him. But now after this argument and me coming back to my mom's home for studies, he revealed my past to his cousin brother and his wife. I feel embarrassed now. He has mentioned in the letter of intent to divorce that I was not being honest and transparent but there is no such thing in my life that he doesn't know about. My family, relationships, finance, childhood abuses, every single thing in my life. He has also mentioned that if I go back to him now, he will reconsider giving another chance to this relationship which is not possible because I have to finish my internship here to get my UG degree. He wants me to drop this degree and says he will take care of me and child but this degree is something I dreamed of my whole life which is like an eye to me. I did not reply to letter of intent to divorce then when he sent it to me via text it's been more than a week now, we haven't talked to each other till now. What should I do now!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
How you want your life to be is in your hands. You seem to be focusing more on what he did in the hope that things will change. Now, whether he will change or not, is left for you to decide. But what you can change is the fact of how you seem to be allowing your life to played at the mercy of others. The day you stop this, that day you will end up respecting yourself and people will take you seriously. If you wish to study, should you not be able to do it? Does that have to be at the mercy of someone else? Does this not seem like a RED FLAG to you?
And oh, he talks of giving you another chance if you go back to him now? Seriously? He decides what to do with you and when...Does this all not feel like a huge weight on you? Take charge of your life; learn to LOVE yourself please...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 06, 2021

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I am in a very difficult situation I am not getting what to do so I am writing you this mail for your suggestion. I was in love from 6years our love life was very good . We were very happy and promised to get married also but suddenly my boyfriend said we can’t marry because of his family issues so I accepted that with a big heart. He asked me to marry another guy I accepted that also. And after some days my marriage got fixed with another guy and I got married also. But soon after my marriage my boyfriend realised my love and started crying. He started calling me and soon after 2 days of my marriage he was continuously calling me and this created a very big problem. My husband saw his calls and msgs and started chatting with my boyfriend pretending to be me only. They both talked and my boyfriend told my husband everything about our past things. My husband got angry he started beating me getting angry on me started following me and due to all this he left me. After my husband left me I called my boyfriend and said: Now my husband left me so what to do. You are also not accepting me. My boyfriend said: I don't have anything to do with you I don't need you at all and plz go away from my life. Now I don’t know what to do. Can you plz help me or guide me.
Ans: Dear V, I can only imagine what you are going through.

One man (husband) judges your situation and as hard as it is for any person, it would have been great if he didn’t play peeping Tom and instead confronted you to work things out with you. And the other man (boyfriend) dumps you in sheer fright and runs for his life.

Do you seriously want to beg either of them for a place in their lives?

They have both displayed total lack of maturity! But in their defense, they have felt cheated and not known how to deal with the situation. BUT nothing justifies physical abuse…

I do work with couples to bring them together where it seems possible. Reconciliation with your husband is possible both of you choose that path. Involve a senior member from both sides of the family and bring it to a neutral place; shedding egos along the way.

Work with a Marriage Therapy expert who can then help you re-evaluate your priorities and put things in perspective.

Work as a team (if both of you want that) and rebuild the marriage. It might seem like a lot of work, but it’s possible…So, move in that direction if you see that glimmer of hope as well.

Best wishes.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 20, 2021

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Relationship
My name is Gatima, I’m 36 years old and a housewife. I’m married from past 10 years and it was a love marriage. I was bought up in metro cities like Delhi and Mumbai. I married to a guy from Goa and a shipy (merchant navy). I was working when I got married but I left immediately because I wanted to sail with my husband, initial years were good. I have one boy who is 5 now . We used to fight all d time but initially we used to understand each other and patch up fast , but from last one year our fights increased so much and we stop talking for even months. My husband has lots of complaints from me and always blames me for every fight. I’m feeling so guilty. I always curse myself and ask God why he made me so bad person. Whenever we fight, all other family members cut off communication with me. Although I am surrounded by so many I’m alone. I cry most of time but now my eyes have dried and there are no tears. I hate myself and my life. I cannot face the mirror for days bcoz I hate myself. I am living for my 5 year old son. But I’m very depressed and have PCOD . I don’t get sleep plus I get migraine attacks.
Ans: Dear GN, The past year has been different for different people; marriages have been rebuilt, new marriages have taken place, divorces have happened…relationships have gone through a huge transitions, in short.

Of course, not to undermine what you are experiencing right now!

Conflicts, arguments, debates are common in a marriage…but they can be worked upon as long as both of you want the same thing and want to stick around in the marriage.

What according to you has changed now when you say that things used to easily resolve earlier and now that doesn’t happen? What has caused this?

When you say, he complains and blames you, how does he do that? Does he actually say it aloud or are you interpreting it?

These questions get you closer to the truth of the matter at hand.

It takes two people to create a conflict, of course the phase of life or whatever the phase he is in, maybe he finds it convenient to blame you.

So why do play the role of the victim when you are not actually one?

And Yes, he may not be justified in what he is doing and throwing it all on you. But if simply being in this pool of misery has achieved anything, it has made you a victim…

If you want to feel better or change something about this situation, wake up NOW…do something, do anything; support or no support from anyone!

A small change in the way you perceive things and act for yourself can change your physical well-being as well.

PCOS/Migraine can be an indirect result of the anxiety and stress that you are carrying inside you.

Start focusing on what you are eating and if you are exercising enough…these can help a great deal in keeping PCOS/Migraine under control.

What you think is what you become…so keep your son also in mind and get yourself out of this misery or find an expert who can help you. You want this for yourself and your son, don’t you?

My best wishes are with you!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 24, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 23, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am 48 year old mature,responsible and independent working lady. Married to the person whom i loved. 7 years of relationship before marriage and now 20 years of married relationship. My husband is very egoistic and irresponsible about our relationship but at the same time very helpful towards others. He lacks emotional intelligence between us. He lacks to understand my feeling which was never his priority. Due to this attitude after 6 years of marriage i got involved with one of my office colleagues wherein i use to consider him as a big supporter who is beside me whenever i feel depressed or want to express. Since my husband did had such understanding of spending quality time with me. However i was caught by my husband after few month since he had recorded few of my conversation. That chapter got closed as i sincerely apologize by husband and made him understand why was i in to that situation, which he also realized and accepted his mistake. We started a fresh journey as husband and wife. After 13 years post 2009, my husband was cheating on me which i discovered with the help of one agency. He was going around with one married lady. Luckily i cud figure this out in time with proofs and informed that ladies husband also. Post this revelation my husband has changed. He was not feeling guilty at all of what he did as he had lot of plans of leaving me and my 2 kids. He wanted to get separate and stay with his parents only, he was not interested in our family anymore and did not wanted to take any responsibility of our 2 kids, he started playing victim card that when my wife had an affair i did not revealed to anyone,then why is that she has revealed. Its now more than 6 months he is still not back on track, neither he feels guilty nor talk with me. Manipulate the conversation and his action every time. Not able to understand his behavior and this behavior is affecting my daily life. He doesn't update where.does he go, what is he doing. He is jobless since last 7 years. Hence i am only the earning member staying with i laws and kids. Day by day my patience are getting over. Please advise should i get separated from him and stay.with my kids only. Pls suggest
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, it's classic behavior when there is no emotional bond within a marriage; seeking that outside of marriage...Now, with both of you having stepped out of it, it's going to take not just your efforts to put things together BUT a discussion on whether you two want this marriage to work. If YES, then work at it...
You will need to together work at dropping past baggage and starting on a clean slate.
But if NO, that's a decision that also needs a lot of deliberation. Are you willing to get out of the marriage as over time we get habituated with a person even with all they are and they are not. Think of how your life will pan out with your husband in it and not in it? Weigh this carefully and then decide what must be done next. This becomes important as there are children involved and it impacts them in a big way as well.
Take some time, confide in a trusted person and go into the depths of the pros and cons which will enable you take a step and move ahead...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 17, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 16, 2025
Relationship
Dear Anu, Am Shilpa,36 years old.Got married to a friend in 2015.It was a love come arranged.Initially married life was going smooth.I was working before marriage and due to marriage and relocation , discontinued the job. After marriage i started new job even though my husband was against it.Some misunderstanding started between us slowly and most of the adjustments were done by me to avoid fights.After 2 years we were blessed with a baby boy and i had to reluctantly and was also forced to quit job to take care of our kid.And i agreed and things went smoothly again for 3 more years.I got busy with my motherhood. I felt my husband was happy and was changing for the happy family. But i was wrong, he had a physical relationship with his ex college friend. They used to have sex in hotels. They even had sex chats and used to share nude pictures . This broke my heart completely and was disturbed mentally. I wanted to enquire my husband with all the proofs in my hand.without the proof he would prove me mentally retarded women. Initially he asaulted and abused me for blaming on him.But when he knew abt the proofs, he accepted and apologised for his mistake and begged me not to take divorce only for the sake of our son.Even i dropped the idea of divorce thinking the future of our son.Later few months he acted as if he changed himself completely but he always had disrespect on me and my parents. I even suffered domestic violence once which shattered me into pieces. Even then he apologised me and forced me to drop the idea of divorce. I again started to adjust and compromise with my life only because of my kid and his good future as all elders advice. This adjustments continued for few more months.But once i saw his ex girlfriend calls and daughter pics in his mobile, i was again mentally disturbed and after thinking many times, i made up my mind and left him without explanning him . I packed all my luggage and came to my parents with my kid. Now i got a job in which i opted work from home so that i can concentrate on my kid and support myself financially. Am trying to move on but my true love towards him is making it difficult. Please advice me on this Anu mam. The step which i took is right ? After seperation he is harassing me to visit son and kidnapped him 2 times. I really don't want to share my son with him.Please advice what should I do.
Ans: Dear Shilpa,
You have done what you needed to in order to protect your child and your sanity. Your husband could never get over his affair and he possibly won't. He maybe never even tried...

I firmly suggest you go to the cops so that he does not try to take the child away...Also, have you thought about a legal separation? That will offer you and your child enough protection and it will stop his harassment. This is not an easy decision to make BUT what choice is he leaving you with? Kidnapping the child? If by kidnapping you mean that he takes away the child without informing you, please watch out and contact a lawyer. A BIG BIG RED FLAG...Act soon...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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