Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on May 16, 2022

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more

Question by AD on May 16, 2022Hindi

At first I thought he is different as he doesn’t share his feelings. I thought that he has feelings but doesn’t want to express.
One day we had a fight over something, I made him sit in puja ghar and asked him what are your thoughts about me?
He said I think you as my very good friend and I don't want to feel anything because I know my family won’t accept us you and you also know it. Now what should I do? He has some financial issues which only I know of. He uses my vehicle in times of need. What is the solution?

Ans:

Dear AD,

I feel he just needs some space to sort out whatever is going on with him right now.

Support him as the friend that he sees you without any expectations or agenda because that is what he possibly wants and needs.

Any expectation might just rile him up especially when he is clear that his family won’t accept you.

Be there with him and support him as that friend. But of course, if that is too painful and expectations keep coming up, better to step aside for a while so that the situation does not hurt you or him and you can still be friends.

All the best!

RelationshipReply

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 09, 2021

Question by K - Jun 09, 2021Hindi

I am going through a rough patch in my marriage and need an expert's advice badly since I do not have any elders or family members to help me out. I am a Muslim lady. I had my first marriage to a Hindu guy going against my family, which did not work out and we got divorced mutually. My family has since boycotted me and I am alone with a 14 year old daughter. (Mom stays with me but not much support) I am a working woman, and don't have much issues financially. After a year or so of my divorce, I met a childhood friend of mine after long, we liked each other, we got close and decided to get married. He was already married, but since in our religion, second marriage is legal and the second wife gets equal rights and respect as of first wife, I agreed for the marriage, which we solemnised secretly to not hurt his family (read his wife), but his dad supported us and agreed to our alliance too. It is almost 8 years now since our marriage, my hubby is loving towards me and my daughter, but the problem is he rarely stays with us at nights, he will come in daytime, stay for 4-5 hours, have dinner and leave. Some weekends only, he will stay. Initially I thought with time, it would change, but it's almost 8 years now, but nothing has changed and if I ask him, why he does not stay he says, 'office is far away; difficult to reach on time due to traffic and stuff.' Now, his whole family also knows about his marriage, then also he hardly gives us time and no one from his family contacts me or keeps in touch with me. Since I have been independent most of my life (I don't have a dad, bro or sis), I never asked for money since he also has a family to support. He will never give any on his own, even when I am short, he keeps saying he is in a financial crunch, once business picks up, he will take care of my expenses too. Since I am an only child, I wanted a kid with him, but he kept procrastinating that too, saying condition (financial) is not good right now; additional responsibilities will be an added burden for both of us. I live in a rented flat, while his family has his own (parents' home to be precise). My daughter is now almost 15, and understands quite a lot of things and has started disliking him. I am also at my wit's end now. I am tired and frustrated most of the time, feeling stuck. Any amount of talking and discussion only leads to arguments, and when he calms down, he would say he would try and change his ways but nothing changes. Please suggest what I am supposed to do now. Talking to him is out of question, it’s absolutely no use. I am even thinking of divorce now, (it's) better to live alone than with someone who makes you feel lonely. But I am afraid for my daughter, her marriage, the divorcee tag again and (she) being a laughing stock to society and family again, I do not know what to do. Please help me!

Ans: Dear K, well, I don’t want to be sounding judgmental here, but your husband seems to have it very conveniently laid out for him right now.

Two marriages; only one of which is out in the public and no kids from the second one. Nice arrangement, but one that makes you uncomfortable and now your daughter senses it too.

Ask yourself: what do I want from this relationship/marriage? Write it down clearly starting with the words: I want……… (Do not limit yourself or tell yourself what is possible or not; simply write everything that you want from it)

Once you have done that, go through it and check how many on the list seem like an absolute must have for you; those are some things that you value and cannot be compromised for anything. If you have already begun to compromise on them, then you have begun to devalue yourself and your future as well.

Stop right away and NOW. Anything or anybody who moves you away from what is important to you must absolutely not be given a place in your life.

Since, you mentioned talking to him is not an option, keep this list handy and picture what your life will be without him and check how it feels.

If it feels right moving on, just DO IT. Strength is in holding onto what you value and stand up for. But of course, if it helps, do try to have that discussion and iron things out.

Always remember: Value yourself and value what is important to you and let nothing or no one keep you away from that.

Wishing you a beautiful life!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 11, 2022

Question by JH - Feb 11, 2022Hindi

Hi I’m 40 yrs now and. I have a male friend of 23 years old we r good friends. I helped him financially and emotionally and take care of his house his expenses and he too is good but I love him as I have feelings for him but he is more into girls. Initially I managed all his things but he is now into serious relationship with a girl and also wants to marry her but I’m unable to digest that. I know he is right he is moving ahead in life but I’m struck there loving him and he also wants to make his career and be with me, go abroad. We both want to plan to go together but I’m worried as will I tolerate him in all this aspects? Will I see him happy with someone else whom he loves? Should I ignore his relationship and focus on our friendship which is hard. Don’t know what to do kindly suggest plz.

Ans:

Dear JH,

Hang on! Let’s get all the facts right here…

1. He loves you and you love him
2. You supported him financially and emotionally
3. He also wants to be with other girls
4. He is currently in a relationship with another girl and also claims that he will travel abroad
5. You both plan to be together

Did I get all the facts right?

Take a step back and just figure out if he is just missing a ‘Mother Figure’ in his life and if he is actually thinking of you as one.

That’s what you will always be to him if that is the case. Watch how you are playing with your emotions here as whatever be the age, when a heart breaks, it really does break!

Ask yourself: What is it that I am getting from this relationship? Is it love, it is eliminating loneliness, is it validation OR is it you wanting to share love that you have?

These are not reasons enough to be with a person and lock your emotions with. The future is always unknown and uncertain but delve into your heart and simply ask: Do I really want to test the waters OR Do I create my life the way that I want on my own terms as a 40-year old who is complete charge of life? You will clearly get your answer.

All the best and create a beautiful life for yourself.

Relationship

Anu Krishna |839 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 16, 2022

Question by AS - Nov 16, 2022Hindi

Hello mam,I have been friends with a guy from my school for last 10 years. We know each other pretty well. I even tied him a rakhi just to protect our friendship; I was too naïve. Since last month we are seeing each other frequently and have had conversations about family issues, future goals etc and during all these talks he used to come up with the topic of marriage and dropped hints for me.When I told him that I keep thinking about him throughout the day he replied that 'I gave you emotional support when you were stressed and that's why this is happening. You shouldn't pay attention to these thoughts.'What should I do? I am confused whether I love him or it was just the way he thinks it is? Please keep this anonymous.Thank you.

Ans:

Dear AS,

So brotherly feelings turned into love?

I guess when you tied the rakhi, you simply were trying to avoid facing up to the fact that there already might have been feelings for him, and it was convenient to seal the connection with a rakhi. Possible?

Now that both have discovered that it might be more than what you thought of initially, please sit down like mature individuals and talk about it.

No point trying to avoid the feelings for each other if they indeed exist. After which, both of you can decide the right course of action.

Also, dropping hints might be your reading of the situation based on what you wished or hoped for.

It could very well be one-sided from you, so it’s better to have that frank chat and put all these doubts and uncertainties to rest.

Makes sense? Wait no longer…

All the best!

Relationship