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Torn Between Love and Family: Should I Leave My Partner for Economic Reasons?

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |114 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Ashish Sehgal has over 20 years of experience as a counsellor. He holds a doctorate in neuro linguistic programming, mental health and social welfare.He is certified in neurolinguistics by both the Society of NLP and the American Board of NLP.... more
Shraddha Question by Shraddha on Nov 29, 2024Hindi
Relationship

Sir I am also a doctor. and in relationship of 8 year ..now my parents are not agree with this...due to economical imbalances between to family...my partner say me ..there is no problem from my side .but there are much problem from my side .he say if your parents not agree with this then leave me..you will get someone better than me ( with tears in eyes) I will always there for you...but sir I can't believe that how can I live without him...I cried whole night since 4-5 month

Ans: Dear Doctor,

Thank you for opening up about your deeply emotional situation. Eight years is a significant time to build a bond, and your pain is understandable. Love often brings us to crossroads where our heart and responsibilities clash, but with clarity, you can navigate this challenge.

Understanding the Core Issues
Your Partner’s Words:
When he says you’ll “find someone better” but also expresses tears and willingness to be there for you, it reflects his inner turmoil. He may genuinely love you but feels powerless in the face of family dynamics, especially economic differences.

Your Parents’ Resistance:
Their concern about economic imbalances might stem from societal perceptions or fears for your future. Often, parents have well-intentioned but outdated views shaped by their experiences.

Your Emotions:
Crying and sleepless nights are signs of the depth of your attachment and the weight of your situation. It’s a sign that this relationship means the world to you, but it’s also important to consider the long-term picture calmly.

Exploring Your Options
Have a Heart-to-Heart with Your Parents:
Approach them when they’re calm and express your feelings clearly. Share not just your love but how your partner makes you feel secure and supported, regardless of financial differences. Use words like:

“I understand your concerns, but this relationship has brought me immense happiness and stability. Can we find a middle ground to address your worries?”

Involve a Trusted Mediator:
Sometimes, a relative or family friend whom your parents respect can act as a bridge. They can help present your partner in a more favorable light, emphasizing his qualities beyond financial status.

Talk to Your Partner:
Express your fears and emotions openly. Let him know how much his support means to you, but also discuss a practical plan to address your parents' concerns together.

Evaluate Your Own Needs:
Take a moment to reflect on what you truly want in the long term. Does this relationship fulfill your emotional, intellectual, and life aspirations? If yes, it’s worth fighting for.

Give It Time:
Resistance from parents often softens with time if they see your consistency and happiness. Keep showing them how committed you are without being confrontational.

Balancing Heart and Mind
Avoid Making Decisions in Emotional Extremes:
It’s tempting to think in absolutes—“I can’t live without him” or “I must leave for my parents.” But life often offers middle paths. Focus on small, consistent steps rather than drastic decisions.

Focus on Your Career and Growth:
A strong professional foundation can help convince your parents that your happiness and independence don’t rely solely on economic factors. It also prepares you for any outcome, making you emotionally and financially resilient.

Seek Support:
Confide in close friends, mentors, or a counselor. Sharing your thoughts with someone neutral can help you gain clarity and calmness in decision-making.

If the Situation Doesn’t Resolve
If your parents remain adamant, you’ll need to decide whether their approval outweighs your personal happiness. This decision isn’t easy, but remember:

Love thrives on mutual effort, trust, and shared dreams.
A healthy relationship is one where both partners respect each other’s challenges and find ways to overcome them together.
If you choose to stay with your partner, communicate your decision respectfully to your parents, assuring them of your love and respect for them.

Your Well-being is Key
No matter what happens, prioritize your mental and emotional health. Crying and sleeplessness can take a toll on your ability to make sound decisions. Focus on self-care and mindfulness to find strength within yourself.

You are capable of facing this with courage and grace. Love, when nurtured with understanding and patience, has a way of creating miracles.

Warm regards,
Ashish Sehgal

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 25, 2024Hindi
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Hi mam, actually I am having a trouble in my relationship. Me and my partner are from different castes but we love each other. Due to the fear of my parents I told him some days back that my parents will never agree for our marriage as he is one year younger than me, he is from different caste and we both are in the final stage of our professional course and have not gone for job yet. But we are unable to leave each other and keep on crying. Now I am thinking of talking about this to my parents once my exams are over in a couple of months because I'm already 24 and they will start looking for alliance for me. But my partner is like there's no problem on his side but he doesn't want me to hurt and ruin relationship with my parents due to this disclosure and says that its never going to happen with heavy emotions and teary eyes. I am also unable to control my emotions and tears. Please advise me on what to do please mam....
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Well, your partner is being kind and thinking for you and your relationship with your parents. It is a nice trait to have to be empathetic but it may cost him the relationship. And he has taken this stance only because you have talked him about how fearful you are of your parents.
I guess instead of giving up like this, why don't the two of you sit down as adults and discuss how to talk to your parents and make this happen. When you act against what society and family set as norms, you should have expected something to go against the fairy tale event, right?
Since you did not set this tone in mind, now it's about taking the bull by the horns and finding what's the best solution. Why give up?

All the best!

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Love Guru

Love Guru   |204 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert - Answered on Apr 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi..I just saw your page and found this is the right page where I can get answer.. I am so confused and so my thoughts coming in my mind and noone in my life which I can tell. However, I found you hopefully you'll get my answer I want to marry with my partner but he is not earning as much and I'm also earning but we both started our career in 2023. And my parents wants I should get Marry with someone and he is searching. But I told my parents that I love someone but the issue is he is not from my caste that is not the big issue main issue is that my partner belongs from very nuclear family like his mother and sister is there and noone is there in his family and my parents also saying the boy is not earning a good salary and noone is there in his family how will you be happy and I don't think so he is good for you.. but my partner loves me so much he loves me till 6 years and he waited for me also. My question is that for getting a married is all this stuff matters ? My parents is arising so many questions somehow she denied..should I convince to my parents or they are saying right ??
Ans: The salary is not a problem, if he doesn’t have misplaced ego about his wife earning more than him; some men are broad-minded enough to even be proud of their wives earning more. Nor is caste; love has no fixed faith. But this nuclear family business is a red flag; I would strictly advice not living under the same roof with his mother and sister. There is bound to be friction. Then relations sour and your marriage gets strained. If he is willing to step out from under their shadow and live separately with you, and the money-making is not an issue for him, you’re making the right choice of partner. If either of the above is not realistic, I would suggest you stop trying to convince your parents and listen to what they have to say.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi maam. I am a doctor and i am in relationship with a solider. We are very happy. But i told my family.. My family is not ready to accept him. As my both parents are lawyers and am doctor. My parents are very much concerned about there social status and want me leave this relationship anyhow for them and marry a guy of there choice. They have huge problem as he is normal solider not a officer ranked person. .... I tried to convice them. Alot.. But now both my parents started called me bad words and trap me like if i leave them and go they will suicide... Daily they calls me and tell that it will never happen. And if u leave ur parents for him they will commit suicide. Recently my dad is acting or actually he have i dont know... He does like a pyschotic person and told he feels like commiting suicides. He told because an doing lke this he feel pyachotic probome. Now he is on medication. And he is planning to do voluntart retirement as he is not able to work. He keep telling all this is because of my relationship and i want to marry my partner Both my mother and father is continuously telling no to my relationship and if i leave them they will suicide. They told me they don't care about how hard it will be for me to leave but somehow to leave amd save ur family I dont know. I am not able to leave my relationship Nor not able to makemy parents suffer I feel really frustrated
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Being lawyers and then behaving immaturely is something that shocks me. But well, emotions can have different shades, right?
I do not subscribe to emotional blackmail which is what your parents are subjecting you to.
Social status difference is something that parents do worry about for their children. It's an age-old conditioning and hard for them to change.
Now let me ask you:
Besides loving this person (soldier), what are those qualities in him that can actually put your parents' mind at ease?

This is what you must be thinking of as challenging their conditioning is going to be of no use. Instead, find out what can actually appeal to them about him. It's about addressing all their concerns so that they feel that their daughter will never face any difficulties in future. Parents do what they can for their children and stepping into marriage is a huge responsibility for them. So, shift their focus onto his good qualities etc. Let the boy also make his effort to bond with your family. It takes time and a lot of effort; do just that!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7288 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

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Top4 sips with 15k amount suggest me
Ans: Here’s an updated strategy for your Rs. 15,000 SIP allocation, replacing the sectoral/thematic fund with a small-cap fund for better long-term growth potential.

Suggested SIP Allocation (Rs. 15,000)
Large-Cap Fund

Allocation: Rs. 4,000/month
Objective: Stability and steady growth by investing in India’s top 100 companies.
Why Choose: Provides consistent returns and low volatility in your portfolio.
Flexi-Cap Fund

Allocation: Rs. 4,000/month
Objective: Diversified exposure across large, mid, and small-cap stocks.
Why Choose: Offers balanced risk and returns with flexibility during market cycles.
Mid-Cap Fund

Allocation: Rs. 3,500/month
Objective: Tap into the growth potential of medium-sized companies.
Why Choose: Higher returns with manageable risk compared to small caps.
Small-Cap Fund

Allocation: Rs. 3,500/month
Objective: Focus on fast-growing small-cap companies.
Why Choose: High-growth potential over the long term, though with higher volatility.
Why Include Small-Cap Funds?
Long-Term Growth: Small-cap companies have immense potential to grow significantly over time.
Diversification: Adds exposure to an underrepresented segment, complementing large and mid-caps.
High Returns: Potential for higher returns compared to other categories, albeit with higher risk.
Key Considerations
Investment Horizon: Stay invested for at least 7-10 years to mitigate short-term volatility.
Active Fund Management: Avoid direct or index funds to leverage professional expertise.
Regular Monitoring: Review fund performance periodically with a Certified Financial Planner.
Tax Implications
Equity Funds:
LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh/year taxed at 12.5%.
STCG (held less than 1 year) taxed at 20%.
Final Insights
This updated allocation ensures a mix of stability, moderate risk, and high growth. With consistent SIPs and periodic reviews, you can achieve robust wealth creation over the long term. A Certified Financial Planner can assist in optimising your investment strategy.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7288 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 20, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi Sir I come from a middle class family and my parents have dedicated everything they have into my education and upbringing. Now they plan to retire and i am finally at 30 in a stanle career where i make approximately 1,20,000 per month. I have a savings of approximately 2,00,000 that i want to invest into my parents retirement. We are NRI's and my parents will be returning back to India soon. I have 0 kmowledge about investments. As per what my friends advised, I have come to the following solutions: 1. Open an FD for both my parents seperately of 50000 Rs each for 5 years with their respective banks 2. Choose the Bajaj Allianz Smart Wealth Goal V SIP and invest approximately 24000 annually for 5 years, withdrawing it at 7 years. 3. Choose the TATA AIA Smart SIP wealth secure and invest 60000 Rs annually for 10 years, withdrawing it at the end of the same duration. Along with the above, I also plan to invest 40000 Rs annually into their Medical health insurance. Now as an NRI, and not having any knowledge about investing or TAX, could you help me with the above investments and how i would have to go about with TAX policies in India. Thank you
Ans: Your dedication to supporting your parents’ retirement is truly admirable. As an NRI with limited investment knowledge, making informed decisions will ensure financial stability for your parents. Let's assess and optimise your proposed plan while incorporating better strategies.

Evaluating the Current Plan
Fixed Deposit for Both Parents
Strengths: Fixed deposits (FDs) are safe and offer guaranteed returns.
Limitations: FD returns in India often fail to outpace inflation. Senior citizens get slightly higher interest rates.

Bajaj Allianz Smart Wealth Goal SIP
Overview: Likely a ULIP (insurance cum investment product). Combines life insurance with investments.
Limitations: ULIPs have high charges (administration and premium allocation fees). Returns are often lower compared to mutual funds.
Taxation: ULIPs are tax-efficient but lack transparency and flexibility.
TATA AIA Smart SIP Wealth Secure
Overview: Another ULIP-based product with insurance and investment components.
Limitations: Similar to the Bajaj Allianz plan, it has high costs and lower returns.
Taxation: Tax benefits under Section 80C but limited withdrawal flexibility.
Medical Health Insurance for Parents
Strengths: Investing in health insurance for your parents is a wise decision.
Suggestions: Opt for a plan with sufficient coverage, including critical illness and cashless claims.
Suggested Optimised Financial Plan
Step 1: Replace ULIPs with Equity Mutual Funds
Reason: Equity mutual funds provide higher returns compared to ULIPs.
Benefits: Actively managed funds offer better growth, diversification, and lower charges.
SIP Strategy: Start a SIP for Rs. 5,000 monthly (Rs. 60,000 annually) for 10 years.
Taxation: Equity LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%; STCG taxed at 20%.
Step 2: Invest in Debt Mutual Funds
Reason: Debt funds offer better returns than FDs and are tax-efficient.
Allocation: Invest Rs. 1 lakh in short-duration or dynamic bond funds.
Taxation: LTCG and STCG on debt funds are taxed as per the income tax slab.
Step 3: Build an Emergency Fund
Importance: Allocate Rs. 50,000 to a liquid fund or short-term FD.
Purpose: This fund will cover unexpected medical or living expenses.
Step 4: Continue Health Insurance for Parents
Annual Premium: Rs. 40,000 annually is reasonable for comprehensive coverage.
Suggestions: Include riders like critical illness and hospital cash benefits.
Step 5: Diversify Using Sovereign Gold Bonds (SGBs)
Reason: SGBs are low-risk, inflation-proof, and provide 2.5% annual interest.
Allocation: Invest Rs. 50,000 into SGBs.
Taxation: Interest is taxable, but capital gains on redemption are tax-free.
SGBs are not available for NRIs.

Tax Implications for NRIs
Better Returns: Shift to equity and debt mutual funds for inflation-beating growth.
Tax Efficiency: Use tax-saving instruments and avoid high-tax liabilities on ULIPs.
Flexibility: Mutual funds and SGBs provide better liquidity and transparency.
Secure Future: Health insurance ensures medical expenses are not a financial burden.
Final Insights
Your proposed plan can be significantly improved with better investment choices. Focus on mutual funds, health insurance, and SGBs for long-term financial stability. Avoid ULIPs as they come with high costs and limited returns. With these steps, you can ensure a secure and comfortable retirement for your parents.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7288 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 20, 2024Hindi
Money
I am a 40 year old male married with no kids working in an IT company, my current portfolio consist of 1 apartment in Bangalore (home loan is completed), 1 site in my hometown worth 1 Cr, 8 lakh in SGB, 6 lakh in stocks, 6 lakh in ppf, 26 lakh in PF, 3.5 lakh in NPS In order to retire comfortably at the age of 50 i want to invest in such a way that my monthly income/pension should be 2.5 lakh Please provide some financial advice to me to achieve my goal.
Ans: You have a solid starting point with your existing portfolio. However, achieving your goal of Rs. 2.5 lakh monthly income at retirement will require meticulous planning and disciplined investing. Here's a detailed roadmap tailored to your needs.

Assessing Your Current Portfolio
Real Estate Assets

One apartment (home loan cleared) provides potential rental income.
A site in your hometown worth Rs. 1 crore is currently a non-productive asset.
Financial Assets

Sovereign Gold Bonds (SGB): Rs. 8 lakh, offering stable interest and appreciation.
Stocks: Rs. 6 lakh in equities for long-term growth.
PPF: Rs. 6 lakh, offering safe and tax-free returns.
Provident Fund (PF): Rs. 26 lakh, providing stability and regular growth.
NPS: Rs. 3.5 lakh, adding to your retirement corpus.
Your total financial assets stand at Rs. 49.5 lakh.

Retirement Goal Analysis
Desired Income: Rs. 2.5 lakh per month or Rs. 30 lakh per year.
Investment Horizon: 10 years until age 50.
Inflation Impact: Adjust the target corpus for inflation to sustain your lifestyle.
Risk Profile: Balance between growth-focused and stable investments.
Recommended Investment Strategy
Step 1: Determine Your Retirement Corpus
For a Rs. 2.5 lakh monthly income, your corpus should sustain withdrawals for 30+ years.
Factor in inflation-adjusted growth to ensure purchasing power.
Step 2: Allocate Current Portfolio Effectively
Utilise Non-Performing Real Estate Assets

Sell the site worth Rs. 1 crore in your hometown.
Invest proceeds into a diversified portfolio for growth.
Avoid retaining illiquid assets without income generation.
Maximise Equity Investments

Increase equity exposure for long-term growth.
Invest in actively managed funds for better performance over index funds.
Regular funds through an MFD with CFP credentials offer professional oversight.
Leverage PPF and PF Contributions

Continue contributions to PPF for safe, tax-free returns.
Retain PF contributions to build a stable retirement corpus.
Optimise NPS Investments

Shift to a higher equity allocation within NPS for better growth.
NPS provides tax-efficient returns and retirement income options.
Step 3: Start a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Monthly SIP Amount: Invest aggressively over the next 10 years.
Fund Selection: Choose equity mutual funds with a proven track record.
Taxation: Equity LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%; STCG taxed at 20%.
Step 4: Create a Diversified Portfolio
Equity Mutual Funds

Allocate 60%-70% to actively managed equity funds.
Focus on large-cap, flexi-cap, and mid-cap funds for diversification.
Debt Instruments

Allocate 20%-30% to debt funds for stability.
Include corporate bonds and dynamic bond funds for better yields.
Gold Investments

Retain existing SGBs for stability and hedge against inflation.
Emergency Fund

Maintain 6-12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.
Step 5: Increase Income Generation from Existing Assets
Rental Income
Rent out your apartment in Bangalore for additional cash flow.
Use rental income to supplement SIP investments.
Key Considerations
Taxation and Efficiency
Keep your tax liability in mind while planning withdrawals.
Diversify investments to optimise post-tax returns.
Periodic Review of Investments
Monitor portfolio performance regularly.
Rebalance asset allocation based on market conditions.
Seek guidance from a Certified Financial Planner for fine-tuning.
Final Insights
Your goal of Rs. 2.5 lakh monthly income is ambitious but achievable. Selling non-performing assets and investing aggressively will create a strong retirement corpus. Maintain discipline in SIP contributions and periodically review your investments. With this approach, you can enjoy financial freedom at 50.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7288 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 20, 2024Hindi
Money
I have a debt of 1 crore 15 lakhs with rate of interest 8.6 % and I can pay 10 lakh yearly in addition to my EMI's. Is it better to invest those 10 lakhs in SIP or Pre-pay my loan and clear debt or wait till the SIP matures and use that lump sum to pay the loan?
Ans: You are in a financially challenging yet manageable situation. The right decision will depend on a careful assessment of your goals and circumstances. Here's a detailed evaluation of the two options: prepaying your loan versus investing in SIPs.

Key Factors to Consider
Interest Cost on Loan

Your loan interest rate of 8.6% is substantial.
The interest cost accumulates if the loan tenure is long.
Prepaying can save interest and reduce loan tenure.
Potential SIP Returns

SIPs in actively managed equity mutual funds can yield 10%-12% annually over the long term.
The returns are market-linked and not guaranteed.
Market volatility impacts short-term results.
Liquidity Needs

Prepaying reduces debt but locks funds.
SIPs provide liquidity for emergencies or goals.
Tax Implications

No tax benefit for loan prepayment beyond the Rs. 2 lakh interest deduction in housing loans (if applicable).
SIP investments in equity mutual funds have specific capital gains tax rules.
Benefits of Loan Prepayment
Lower Interest Burden

Immediate reduction in the interest portion of EMI.
Reduces overall debt faster.
Psychological Relief

Eliminates financial stress of a high loan.
Provides peace of mind with reduced liabilities.
Guaranteed Savings

Savings on interest is assured and risk-free.
Benefits of SIP Investment
Potential Wealth Creation

Long-term equity SIPs can outpace loan interest rates.
Compounding benefits enhance returns over time.
Flexibility

SIPs offer systematic withdrawal plans for liquidity.
Funds remain accessible during emergencies.
Diversification

Investments grow alongside other assets, increasing net worth.
Assessing the 360° Perspective
Debt and Emotional Comfort

A Rs. 1.15 crore debt can cause financial and emotional strain.
If reducing stress is your priority, prepayment is preferable.
Investment Risk Appetite

SIPs suit those willing to accept market volatility for higher returns.
If you dislike risk, prioritize prepayment.
Long-Term Financial Goals

Use SIPs for retirement, children’s education, or other life goals.
Prepaying helps if clearing debt is your primary focus.
Income Stability

Regular income supports SIPs without disrupting EMI payments.
Uncertainty in earnings favors prepayment.
Tax Considerations in Detail
Loan Prepayment

Offers no additional tax benefits after claiming the Rs. 2 lakh housing loan interest deduction.
SIP Investment

Gains above Rs. 1.25 lakh in equity funds are taxed at 12.5% (LTCG).
Short-term gains are taxed at 20%.
Debt funds are taxed as per your income slab.
Hybrid Approach: The Best of Both Worlds
Split the Rs. 10 lakh yearly allocation into two parts.

Use Rs. 5 lakh to prepay the loan.
Invest the remaining Rs. 5 lakh in SIPs.
This strategy balances debt reduction and wealth creation.

Reduces debt steadily.
Allows market participation for higher returns.
When to Prioritise Loan Prepayment?
If you prefer guaranteed savings over potential market returns.
When nearing retirement and aiming for a debt-free life.
If financial stress is affecting your well-being.
When to Prioritise SIP Investments?
If you are comfortable with market fluctuations.
When your income can comfortably handle EMIs.
If long-term wealth creation is a key goal.
Key Recommendations for SIP Investments
Actively Managed Equity Funds

Seek funds with a consistent track record.
Regular plans via an experienced CFP provide expert guidance.
Avoid Index Funds

Actively managed funds outperform index funds in volatile markets.
Index funds lack flexibility and personalization.
Use Regular Funds Through an MFD

Avoid direct plans as they lack personalized advice.
MFDs with CFP credentials help in fund selection and monitoring.
Benefits of Splitting Investments
Balances debt reduction and growth.
Provides flexibility if circumstances change.
Reduces risk from overexposure to one strategy.
Final Insights
The decision depends on your priorities and risk tolerance. If reducing debt quickly offers peace of mind, prepay the loan. If long-term wealth creation aligns with your goals, consider SIPs. A hybrid approach balances these objectives effectively.

You are taking proactive steps toward financial freedom. Your disciplined approach ensures a secure financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |114 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Relationship
Hi sir, I am 42 years old married. Living along with father and mother. My father is retired and mother is housewife. Since long I am not speaking with father because of his rude and illogical behavior, and since mother always takes fathers side so stopped speaking with mother too. We all are living in same flat along with my wife and children. I do not know how to deal with father and mother since they do not want to live separate also. Because of behaviour of father and mother our relatives also do not come to home. Please guide us since I do not know how to behave. One side I wanted to be good son and other side not able to bear the situation.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your situation. It's clear that you deeply value your role as a good son, yet you’re feeling trapped in a challenging environment. Balancing respect for your parents with your own emotional well-being requires patience and a plan. Let’s approach this step by step.

Understanding the Dynamics
Your Father’s Behavior:
His rudeness or illogical behavior may stem from age, personality, or even deeper frustrations that he hasn't expressed. Often, retired individuals struggle with feelings of lost authority or purpose, which may manifest as controlling or negative behavior.

Your Mother’s Role:
Your mother’s tendency to side with your father might not mean she agrees with him entirely but could reflect her way of maintaining peace. She might feel torn but unable to express it openly.

Your Feelings:
It’s important to acknowledge that your frustration is valid. However, remaining in silence and avoiding communication won’t resolve the underlying issues. It may actually deepen the distance.

Steps to Address the Situation
Break the Silence Gradually:
Start by speaking with your mother in a non-confrontational manner. Share how you feel without placing blame. Use “I” statements to express yourself, such as:

“I’ve been feeling very disconnected, and I miss having open communication with you and Dad. I want us to understand each other better.”

Initiate a Calm Conversation with Your Father:
Timing is key. Choose a moment when he is relaxed. Keep the focus on your desire to improve the relationship rather than pointing out his faults. For instance:

“Dad, I know we’ve had our differences, but I value our relationship. I’d like us to find ways to communicate better.”

Set Boundaries Respectfully:
If certain behaviors trigger conflict, it’s okay to set boundaries. Communicate them kindly but firmly, such as:

“I’d appreciate it if we could avoid certain topics that lead to arguments. I think it will help us get along better.”

Involve Your Wife and Children:
Encourage your wife to participate in creating a positive environment. Small gestures, like involving your parents in family activities or decisions, can help them feel included and respected.

Bridge the Gap with Relatives:
Relatives may stay away because of the tension at home. Once you begin rebuilding communication with your parents, invite close relatives for small gatherings to create a more welcoming atmosphere.

Consider Mediation or Counseling:
If direct conversations don’t lead to improvements, involving a neutral mediator, such as a family counselor, can help address issues in a structured way.

Changing Your Perspective
Your parents’ behavior may not change overnight, but your approach can influence the dynamic. Remember, it’s not about winning arguments but about fostering harmony. Small, consistent efforts to connect, like sharing meals or discussing lighter topics, can gradually ease the tension.

Taking Care of Yourself
While rebuilding family relationships, don’t forget your own mental and emotional health. Find time for activities that bring you peace and joy, whether it’s hobbies, spending time with your wife and kids, or seeking support from friends.

Relationships with parents can be complex, especially when expectations clash. However, by taking the first step and showing willingness to reconnect, you can slowly shift the situation. It’s a process, but the effort is worth it.

Warm regards,
Ashish Sehgal

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |114 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 24, 2024Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hi, sir, I have some child hood friend, we are best friend and stay with each other in tough situation. One of them who are settling in abroad now behave very abnormal, actually let me told what happened, he wanted to buy some property but maine dekhi bhi uske liye but Mujhe dar laga rahta tha ki itna bada investment kahi mere Karan galat na ho Jaye aur wo khud se verify kare, and he knows my i thinking by other common friend, tab se wo mujhse bahut rud and formal behave kar raha, maine bahut try Kiya, calls msg etc but he answered me 2-3 out of 10.. in his last bd i called him and wish but in my bd he didn't call Evan wish me common friend WhatsApp group...
Ans: Dear Friend,

It’s never easy to see a close relationship change, especially when you’ve shared such a strong bond over the years. Friendships, like any other relationships, go through ups and downs. Let’s take a step back and understand what might be happening, and explore ways to address it.

Possible Reasons for the Change
Misunderstanding:
It seems your friend may have felt unsupported during his property purchase decision. While your caution was well-meaning, he might have interpreted it as hesitation or lack of trust in his judgment.

Life Changes:
Settling abroad and adjusting to a new life can be overwhelming. Sometimes, people unintentionally drift apart while navigating new environments and responsibilities.

Emotional Guard:
His formal and distant behavior might indicate hurt feelings or a belief that the friendship has become strained. Instead of addressing the issue openly, he might be avoiding confrontation.

Steps to Rebuild the Friendship
Acknowledge and Address the Situation:
Send a heartfelt message where you acknowledge the distance between you both and express your willingness to understand and resolve it. For example:

“I’ve noticed we’ve been distant lately, and I really value our friendship. If I’ve done or said something to hurt you, I’d like to understand and make things right.”

Clarify Your Intentions:
If the property issue is at the root of the problem, explain your perspective. Share that your intention was to be cautious and protect him from potential risks, not to let him down.

Respect His Space:
While it’s important to reach out, avoid overwhelming him with too many calls or messages. Give him time to process and respond.

Reconnect Gradually:
Try rekindling the friendship in a lighter, more neutral way. Share a funny memory, an old photo, or an update about your life that might spark a natural conversation.

Lean on Common Friends:
If you have mutual friends, they can sometimes act as bridges in such situations. They might also provide insight into what your friend is feeling.

Prepare for All Outcomes:
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, people choose to move on for reasons of their own. If he remains distant, remember the good times you’ve shared and focus on maintaining the friendships that continue to nurture and support you.

A Gentle Perspective
Friendships, especially those that have lasted through tough times, are precious. But they also evolve as people grow and change. If your friend is currently unable to reciprocate your efforts, it doesn’t mean the bond you shared was meaningless. It simply means that both of you might be in different places emotionally or geographically right now.

Give it time, approach the situation with understanding, and keep your heart open. A true friendship often finds its way back, even after temporary distances.

Warm regards,
Ashish Sehgal

...Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |114 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Relationship
Hi Dr Ashish., Please keep it as anonymus. I am married from the past 7.7 yrs outside my community. It was an arrange cum love marriage. He was a kind of aurthodox mindset and I agreed to all his terms & conditions without understanding peroperly before marriage. Then after I tried my level best to do as I was agreed to it. For an example not having friendship with the opposite sex etc. His father is a negative person and always doubt on me if I speak to my real & close cousins(Kaka's son). I stopped talking to my friends& cousins for him. This went till a year, then his father beaten me when I back answered him for something, then after we left the house. Since then we are staying separately from his father but he keeps coming to our house in my absense. I had left my job after marriage then after 3 yrs of marriage I again started working, I continued my futher study(LLB). Now his father is getting older, he wants to keep his father with us. By keeping everything a side I agreed. But as the domestic violance was already happened in the past, he is fearful if it happened for 2nd time I may take a legal action which I had not done earlier. Now he is asking me to give divorce and to stay together. He says is the relationship is only with the paper.We won't tell this to the world, it would be confidential between you & me. I want you & need you but I know my fathers nature & your nature. There are possibilities that the same incident may repeat in the future. If we divorce then you won't be able to take a legal action. I want to be anxiety free. I am egoistic, sometimes speaks rudely & trust me I am working on it and I am observng the changes in me as well day by day, still when he provokes me my temprament goes up. Since we married we hadn't a good relationship bcoz he feels I have cheated him because I speak to my male friends, male colleaugues, hand shake etc buy I know it is only professionally. He says you have less introspection, I am literally failed to convince him.Neither I like or go out with my male friends, after office either I go to temple or home. I handle all the household chores with my job. Still he doubts & although he is saying he is liberal but genetically the suspicous mindset comes naturally in his behavior. And also he didn't want to start the family, still I accept it. He never make me the nominee of his savings nor he shares about his future plannings. I always share about future, family, my salary & savings. Just bcoz he is not keeping me as nominee I also have stopped him. After every fight, I stop talking to him for my mental peace, take my space then we sit discuss & conclude. Now my mind is saying to move out, but I know after his father there is no one in his life to take care of him. I am disgusted with his mood & mentality. I don't know shall I listen to my heart or mind. Need your guidance.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty. It’s clear that you’ve put immense effort and sacrifice into your marriage, often compromising your own needs to meet the expectations placed upon you. However, the situation you are in is both emotionally complex and mentally exhausting. Let’s carefully explore the dynamics and steps you can take.

Key Themes in Your Situation
Emotional Sacrifices vs. Trust Issues:
You’ve made significant sacrifices—distancing yourself from friends and family, adjusting to a different lifestyle, and even tolerating past mistreatment. Yet, your husband’s lack of trust and persistent suspicion continue to dominate the relationship.

Past Trauma with His Father:
The physical violence and controlling behavior from your father-in-law have left deep scars. Even though you’re willing to let him live with you again, your husband’s unusual request for a confidential divorce signals that he prioritizes his own fear of legal repercussions over building trust and stability with you.

Lack of Reciprocity:
While you share your financial plans and contribute to the household both emotionally and financially, your husband appears to withhold significant parts of his life from you. This lack of mutual transparency creates an imbalance.

Communication and Conflict:
Despite your efforts to manage conflicts through discussions and introspection, the cyclical nature of fights suggests that deeper issues—such as trust, control, and insecurity—remain unresolved.

Your Inner Conflict:
You feel torn between your empathy for his loneliness and your need to protect your mental health and autonomy. This inner struggle is a testament to your strength and compassion but also highlights the toll this relationship has taken on you.

Questions to Reflect On
What Do You Want from This Relationship?
Is this marriage providing you with emotional security, mutual respect, and a sense of partnership? Or is it mainly a source of stress and self-doubt?

Is the Current Dynamic Sustainable?
Considering the repeated conflicts, unresolved trust issues, and the request for a confidential divorce, ask yourself whether continuing in this relationship aligns with your personal growth and mental well-being.

What Do You Value Most?
Do you prioritize staying in this marriage to support your husband and his father, or do you feel the need to reclaim your independence and peace of mind?

Recommendations
Seek Clarity about the Divorce Proposal:
Have an open and honest conversation with your husband about his request for a divorce while staying together. Ask him:

“What do you believe this arrangement will solve? How do you see it benefiting both of us?”
This can help you understand his perspective and decide if it aligns with your values and goals.
Set Clear Boundaries:
If his father moves in, establish clear rules about behavior and communication. Ensure that your husband fully supports and enforces these boundaries to prevent any repeat of past violence.

Evaluate the Trust Issue:
Trust is the foundation of any relationship. If your husband continues to doubt your professional interactions or friendships despite your transparency, consider whether this suspicion is something you can work through together or if it’s an inherent barrier.

Seek Professional Mediation:
Consider involving a counselor or mediator to help you both communicate more effectively. A neutral third party can help address unresolved issues, including trust, respect, and shared responsibilities.

Prioritize Your Well-Being:
You’ve been handling multiple responsibilities—work, studies, household chores, and emotional compromises. It’s essential to focus on your mental health. Taking time for self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary to make sound decisions.

Plan for Independence:
Whether you choose to stay or leave, ensure you have a solid plan for your financial and emotional independence. Keep your career and savings intact and consider leaning on trusted friends or family for support.

A Gentle Reminder
A relationship is meant to nurture, support, and inspire both partners. If it consistently drains you or leaves you questioning your worth, it’s worth reconsidering its place in your life. Empathy for your husband and his situation is admirable, but it should not come at the cost of your own peace and happiness.

Take time to reflect deeply. Whether you decide to stay and work on this relationship or move forward on your own, the choice should align with your core values and long-term well-being.

If you’d like to discuss further or need help navigating this situation, I am here to guide you.

Warm regards,
Ashish Sehgal

...Read more

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