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Reuniting with First Love After 55 Years: Should I Move in at 77?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1269 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 08, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I am 77 years man. Lost my wife 4 years ago. Accidentally I met my First Love after 55 years. She is currently two time divorces with well settled 2 married children staying independently and separately. I have two well settled children and i stay with them alternatively n they take care of all my expenses. I am happy and spend time with my grandchildren. The question is that NOW my love of 55 years ago want me to shift and live with her. She assures to take care of me completely in all aspects of old age life n ailments. She has her own house n she is stlll working in very high position and is independent. Please advise.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
You seem to have a good set-up for yourself. The question is: Why would you want to stir things up, move away from what feels comfortable at your age?
Especially when you know that your expenses have been covered by your children, would you be willing to give up a roof over your head, leave your family and move in with her?
She does mention that she will take care of you; my suggestion is...go n experience it for a few weeks for yourself. At 77, there are a few things that you may find difficult to adjust to and you really don't need to mend backwards to adjust. At the same time, it maybe a welcome change for you to have a companion.
Talk to your children; they may resist this at first and reprimand you for having such thoughts but at the end of the day, it's your life...You can tell them that you will try the arrangement for a few weeks and then come to a decision...that will also give the lady an idea whether she is able to take on your responsibility as well. Talking about things and experiencing them are two different things. Just that, you must look ta your comfort and stability in this phase of your life before making any decisions.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Asked by Anonymous - Jun 10, 2024Hindi
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I'm 77,my wife 74,married for 47 years We are well settled. My wife doesn't like intimacy now because she is secure because of our son who manages family and business very well. I'm retired with just ok income. Family got settled due to my earning for 50 years. I feel neglected and insulted. To find some solace I'm considering to join some old age home. I can manage my expences. Please suggest about my plan.
Ans: Assessing Financial Readiness:
Moving to an old age home is a major financial decision. It’s important to ensure that your current income and savings can comfortably cover all associated costs, including monthly fees, medical expenses, and any additional services. Make sure your financial plan is sustainable for the long term.

Estate Planning:
Before making any major life changes, ensure your estate planning is up to date. This includes having a clear will, power of attorney, and healthcare directives in place. Proper planning will provide peace of mind and ensure your wishes are respected.

Maintaining Financial Flexibility:
Even if you move to an old age home, maintaining a financial buffer is crucial. Ensure that you have liquid assets available for any unexpected expenses. This could include a combination of savings accounts, fixed deposits, and short-term debt funds.

Final Insights
Evaluate your financial situation carefully before deciding to move to an old age home. Ensure your income, investments, and estate plans are in order to support this new phase of life comfortably.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
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www.holisticinvestment.in

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Asked by Anonymous - Jun 20, 2024Hindi
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Hi , I am a 42+yrs man ,working in a BPO,dealing with Domestic violence case imposed on me for not paying maintenance(Almost emptied my saving still accused me of that),filed divorce in my defense apart from DV case.daughter of 7yrs. Wife not allowing me to do any savings but she is making savings,Gold,flats ,renovating maternal home .She is not contributing in non-profit expense .she even asked for 30lacs to get relieved from her. I got involved with a 36yr old lady who had a bad breakup and she needed emotional support and I had too due to my personal family issues and no good terms with wife . 55k monthly income TATA AIA 2 Lakhs yearly investement PF 4.5lakhs 2.5 lakh Life insurance investment against return of 5lakhs in 10yrs KVP-5 lakhs(India post) An undivided property. Not sure how to approach retirement financial security with my 69yrs old mother . Please advise an approach in this situation.
Ans: Current Financial Position
You earn Rs. 55,000 monthly. You invest Rs. 2 lakhs annually in TATA AIA. Your Provident Fund (PF) balance is Rs. 4.5 lakhs. You have life insurance with a return of Rs. 5 lakhs in 10 years. Your Kisan Vikas Patra (KVP) is worth Rs. 5 lakhs. Additionally, you have an undivided property. These assets need careful management for future security.

Immediate Financial Needs
Legal Expenses

You are facing legal issues, including domestic violence and divorce cases. Allocate a portion of your savings for legal fees. This ensures you have resources to defend yourself properly.

Daily Living Expenses

Your wife is not contributing to non-profit expenses. It is crucial to budget carefully. Track your monthly expenses and cut unnecessary costs. Ensure basic needs for you and your daughter are met.

Emergency Fund

Create an emergency fund. This should cover at least six months of living expenses. Given your legal situation, this fund is essential. It will help you manage any unforeseen expenses without financial strain.

Investment Strategy
Review Current Investments

You have significant investments, but they need reevaluation. The TATA AIA investment and life insurance policy might not yield the best returns. Consider consulting a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) to explore better options.

Kisan Vikas Patra (KVP)

KVP is a safe investment but offers moderate returns. Assess if this aligns with your long-term goals. It might be beneficial to diversify your investments for better growth.

Undivided Property

This property can be a valuable asset. Evaluate its potential for sale or rental income. This can provide additional financial support.

Future Financial Security
Retirement Planning

At 42, it is vital to plan for retirement. Start by estimating your retirement needs. Consider inflation and future living expenses. Increase your PF contributions if possible. Look into diversified mutual funds for better growth.

Mother’s Financial Support

Your mother is 69 years old. Ensure she has adequate financial support. This includes healthcare and living expenses. Set aside funds specifically for her needs.

Education Fund for Daughter

Your daughter is 7 years old. Start an education fund for her. Consider child education plans or mutual funds. This ensures her future education expenses are covered.

Dealing with Personal Issues
Emotional and Legal Support

You are dealing with significant personal stress. Seek professional legal and emotional support. This can help you manage the situation better. Join support groups or seek counseling for emotional well-being.

New Relationship

Your new relationship should be approached with caution. Ensure it does not complicate your legal issues. Prioritize resolving your current family situation first.

Investment Advice
Actively Managed Funds

Avoid index funds due to their limited flexibility. Actively managed funds, with a Certified Financial Planner’s guidance, offer better growth potential. They are managed by experts who make informed decisions, aiming for higher returns.

Regular Funds vs. Direct Funds

Direct funds might seem cost-effective but lack professional guidance. Regular funds, managed by a CFP, ensure expert handling of your investments. This can lead to better performance and peace of mind.

Final Insights
Your situation is complex, involving financial, legal, and personal issues. Prioritize legal and daily living expenses. Build an emergency fund and plan for future security. Consult a CFP for personalized investment advice. This ensures a 360-degree approach to managing your finances and securing your future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Hi Madam, I'm 60,retired, my wife is 47, our son is 23. I had love marriage and was leading a happy married life. Just after silver jubilee of our wedding anniversary I accidentally came to know that my wife is madly in love with one of our common married friend who runs a simple shop. Upon investigation I found that they are in relation for last 12 years and were enjoying sex in my own house for such a long time. He hails from an uneducated family and is not even cultured. I could not believe that the wife of a highly educated socially respected man could do this with a shopkeeper who does not have any socio economic status. I am living a normal life with my wife for the sake of our only child. Once he settles in life I have decided to end my life. Ofcourse I still love her as ours was a love marriage. I seek your wise suggestion in this regard, should I divorce her or live a normal life that we are doing?
Ans: Dear Shristi,
It is obviously very shocking for you to know that things have been happening behind your back.
Now, how you want this to move on from here on, is a decision only you must make! Have you had a chat with your wife about the association that she has with the other person? Does she know that you know about it?
If she doesn't, then you need to make her aware and yes, do ask her whether she is interested at all in the marriage. That will give you an idea as to whether things are worth fighting for or is it best to walk away!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

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Asked by Anonymous - Nov 03, 2024Hindi
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Hello madam I a 32 year old married man with a kid , who is 6 years old. I have done arrange marriage with my own decision I agreed to my parents for the marrige at that time I was in a casual relationship with a girl I didn't said anything to the girl and get married to someone else. After that I tried to live a happay life with my wife without thinking about the girl whom I left behind, from outside I tried to be happy with my wife but my wife thought doesn't matches with me so I felt so disturbed from inside. Still I was trying to continue the relationship for sake of our child but suddenly I got my ex love contact and I was so happy that after so long time I got a chance to talk to her, I have tried to meet her but she always refused to meet me because she was in a relationship. I tried many times and due to some misconduct I again lost her for the second time. At this moment when she is not with me her thoughts memories are troubling me so much I am in pain, what am I suppose to do to get rid of the pain?? Please help
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There is no point wanting a 'past' relationship just because you have one...what if that relationship did not exist, you would have possibly made efforts to make your marriage work, right?
Then do just that...DO NOT treat your marriage as an option...which marriage is a perfect one? And are all spouses tailor-made to fit one another?
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All the best!
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Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand you are in a tough spot. But it's nice to see that after all those years of differences, you still have genuine feelings for her. I strongly suggest considering marriage counseling. From your description of your marriage, it seems to be there have been issues from the very beginning of it. It's been too long and now those issues must've become deep-rooted. Seeing a professional can be a game-changer. They can guide you out of this slump more methodically and help you navigate the emotions you are feeling right now. It can also help you understand the reasons for your wife's disinterest and handle it better.

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...Read more

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Asked by Anonymous - Nov 02, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hii, I have an love marriage after 9 years of dating and 6 years, 2 children post marriage, my little one is 11 months old now. My husband has an affair upto chatting to someone in his company, his junior but in different department, when my Lil one was 1 month old, we had in a rough patch then due to child birth and family drama. When I saw it and confronted him, he said he is sorry and won't do it again, we had multiple fights for 3-4 months after then due to same reason, but he mostly listen and consol. It's been a lot of mental torture for me. I love my husband a lot and he is a good person, but sometimes sill I see her msg in his phone asking for small helps or casual msg. She is also married. I am not sure my husband deletes msg or what, I am not able to get over this. Before it, this is was preety much a good relationship. I am highly educated and independent women. I don't want anything form my husband apart from love. What should I do, whenever I tell him I want to just leave and let him have his life, he won't let me somehow. We are having a good physical relationship 2-4 times a week( just to tell where we are). Please help me...I can't overcome that he is making fool of me...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am sorry to hear you are in such a tough spot. I would suggest considering marriage counseling. A professional who can help you both tackle these issues would be helpful in this situation. I understand that it was his mistake and he needs to put the effort to make you trust him again, but since you are still together, you will also have to put in the effort to let it. I know it is difficult and that's where marriage counselor comes in. They can help you navigate these feelings. Moreover, if he is indeed hiding something, therapy can help that come out in the open.

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Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2024Hindi
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Hi, Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. Partner(F28)continuing friendship with a person[M] who had crush on her before marriage considered emotional infidelity? Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. My wife is having friendship (strictly platonic) with a guy from her 10tlh grade (same class). Before our marriage (she may be doing her college, our relationship just started may be 2 weeks) this guy told her he has genuine interest in her and he want to take the relationship further if she wants, she said she is not interested in a relationship and she got committed, she always saw him as a friend, no other feelings for him and we can be friends if you don't bring any romantic interest again. He never took this talk again ever after and happy to be a friend. They are talking as friends. She got married to me. He also got married. They still do chats once in a month. She introduced me to him and visited his home when we visited his city. He also came to our home once (me and my family was there). She used to update me with chat she had with him and the content they are chatting. I am ok with that When we were talking about our school life and college life 2 years before. She said this guy had crush on her during her college days. I asked her, why did not she tell me this info till now. She said it is not purposely, she does not feel the need to do as the person is not in-appropriate with her and continuing as good friend as promised after she rejected his proposal. I don’t want to create any unnecessary issues as I don’t have any felling or so with him. That time I checked their chats completely, it’s about update about their common friends, their recent travel, their job, meditation courses and the books they read recently. I haven’t seen any flirting or romantic message from either of them. So I am perfectly fine with it and had no problems. I recently came to know about the concept of emotional cheating which is very new to me. Before that cheating to me is only flirting, sexeting and physical sex. I have asked for advice in redddit.com in infedility sub forum about emotional cheating/ emotion affair. There persons are advising like even having friendship with someone who had crush on you is emotional cheating as it is indirectly leading them on you. So with an omission of lie he had crush on her and indirectly leading him on you wife was emotionally cheating on you. This is very much equal to cheating. I do have lots of friends in other gender, but no one had crush on me. Does this count as emotional cheating/affair as she did not mention he had crush on her before marriage? I am little depressed and not able to spend quality time with my wife who is in postpartum depression and take care of our daughter properly as before. Do you guys advise me how to navigate this situation?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Are you really going to ruin your happy relationship based on some new term you have learned recently? Emotional cheating and many more terms of the kind will come and go, what truly matters is the truth. She is merely friends with this guy and for your peace of mind, you have even checked their conversations- what part of it looks like cheating to you? If tomorrow, some random person projecting their own insecurities claims that a man speaking to a woman is some "new form" of cheating, would you start believing that? My point is that these are just random opinions of some people- it isn't the ultimate truth. The entire context matters. This man had a crush on your wife, she rejected it, and now they are just friends. I find absolutely no misconduct or infidelity in this. The fact that none of your friends had a crush on you does not factor in at all. Moreover, your wife is in postpartum depression- that should be your biggest concern but here you are, giving more importance to the random 2 AM thoughts of some people you don't even know. Please rethink if you are being fair to your wife- the mother of your child.

Best Wishes

...Read more

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