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Rishta Guru - Answered on Feb 13, 2024

Rishta Guru is a relationship expert whose advice goes beyond romance. Rishta Guru can also guide you about the problems you face at home, with your friends, in your building, at your educational institution or at your workplace.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 13, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

My 14-year-old lied about going to a friend's house and snuck out to attend a party without permission. He also recently admitted to experimenting with vaping. I'm feeling hurt, disappointed and scared. How can I set clear boundaries and help him make responsible choices?

Ans: Hello. As a parent, I can understand your hurt, disappointment and fear.

It's natural to feel betrayed when your child deceives you and engages in risky behaviour.

Here are some steps you can take to set clear boundaries and help your 14-year-old make responsible choices:

1. Talk about the lies and sneaking out

Once you've calmed down, initiate a conversation without yelling or shaming. Explain how his actions have affected you and why trust is crucial in your relationship.

Set consequences. Grounding or restricting technology access are some options. Be clear about the duration and expectations.

Encourage him to express his feelings and motivation for sneaking out. Listen actively without judgment and validate his emotions.

Emphasise safety. Address the dangers of unsupervised parties and explain why knowing his whereabouts is important for his safety and your peace of mind.

2. Address the vaping

Stay informed. Educate yourself about the risks of vaping, its health impacts, and potential addiction.
Have an open conversation. Discuss the dangers of vaping openly and calmly. Share your concerns and listen to his reasons for trying it.

Set clear expectations. Clearly state your disapproval about vaping. Explain the consequences of continuing, emphasizing both health and disciplinary considerations. Ask him to stop doing it.

Let him know you're there to help him quit the habit. Explore resources like hotlines, support groups or therapists specialising in teen substance abuse.

3. What you can also do

Have a safe space for open communication where he can express his thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. Regular, open communication builds trust and allows you to guide him through challenges.

Establish clear expectations for behaviour, homework, chores and technology use. Discuss them openly and ensure he understands the reasoning behind them.

Acknowledge and praise responsible choices and positive behaviour. Reinforce positive actions to encourage him to make good decisions.

Teach him healthy coping mechanisms for stress, peer pressure and difficult emotions. Encourage activities like sports, hobbies or creative outlets.

Lead by example. Be mindful of your own behaviour and choices. Teens learn by observing so be conscious about how you behave.

Remember, this process takes time and patience. Be consistent, stay calm and be open to working together with your son to build trust and encourage responsible choices. If you feel overwhelmed or need additional support, seeking professional guidance from a family therapist or counsellor can be very helpful.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 07, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 02, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
Hi Anu, my teenage son has been acting weird since the last few months. He has been caught lying and smoking after school hours. He has bunked school and been spotted by a friend but when I casually checked on him he lied that he is at school. I don't know how to address this. I feel like I don't know my son anymore
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Teenage time is the most confusing time for children and parents alike. And with the digital age, it's only getting tougher. Dealing with butter fingers, yet being firm with them, works at times and doesn't at other times.
If this behaviour change of his is sudden, something could have triggered it.
Check points:
- What is the company of friends that he keeps?
- How is the environment at home? Peaceful and loving OR Restless and agitated?
- What is the relationship that he shares with either of his parents?
- Is the channel of communication at home such that he can share anything?
- Is there any pressure on academic performance from home or school?
- Has there been any instance around him or with him that has been emotionally draining? Like a loss of a loved one or a friend?

Do go over this list and be spot on while answering them. It will allow you to get to the source of the problem rather than just focus on his behaviour. Instead of reprimanding him for his behaviour, watch for it closely while you get to the source of it all.
If it's challenging to go through this all by yourself, please without any delay seek the help of a professional who specifically works with adolescents and adolescent behaviour. Be compassionate through the process as he needs both his parents while transitioning back. It is worrisome, I fathom it, but he needs you on his side and not against him.
So, do the right thing and act immediately.
All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 16, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 06, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
sir , i am 46 yrs with 16yrs of marriage and leading a normal life. I have 2 sons . My elder son is 15yrs (DOB 19/3/08). He is preparing for JEE mains and due to this he attends some additional digital classes apart from college.My problem is recently my son was caught watching porn videos . And when we doubt or tell him to avoid by telling the pros and cons of it ,he gets aggressive. At the ending of his 10th std, he was caught for the first time, but he said it just opened (porn link) by mistake.He was one of the topper in his school for 10th.He is good at academics. He does not have a personal mobile. Now in 11th std,only for online classes he has access to net. But this time i think he has got addicted.How to handle this addiction? And since last 1/2 month he is eating less, sleeping well. I know this is a natural feeling at this age , but he is watching perverted porn sites involving porn games.Please advise.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
As much as this seems normal for his age, a bit of experimentation can also lead to addiction. When this has begun to affect focus and concentration, it requires a bit of Intervention.
Kindly approach an Adolescent Counsellor/Psychologist in your city who can assess the situation and do something beyond talk and advising.
What will work is a combination of talk and certain exercises that will cause a break in this habit and instil a better form of channeling outwards and inward.
So, do not hesitate to take that help and guidance. You will thank yourself for it.

All the best!

..Read more

Archana

Archana Deshpande  |75 Answers  |Ask -

Image Coach, Soft Skills Trainer - Answered on Aug 20, 2024

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Career
Hi, I am father of 13 years old boy, my son is not interested in studies, we generally found him dreaming or killing time on gaming. His mind is brilliant but donot want to sit in patience for 1hrs of studies. Now he had started telling lies and thus results are also went down. We had tried everything from not speaking to stopping all leisure time. Recently he had also started scolding and shouting on us. Please suggest what to do.
Ans: Hello Jay!!

This is such a phase of your life with a teenager, that I cannot give you a "to do list" to conform to and whoosh the problems go away!!
What I suggest is this -
1. a teenager is tough to deal with. You have been a teenager once too..it is a very tough phase of life for the teen too, raging hormones, mood swings , a body that is constantly changing every day. Today's teen has it tougher, what with social media and peer pressure to deal with. Your son needs is an understanding parent ,be one pls
2. take care of his physical well being and mental well being. Good food, mental rest ( away from social media and gaming), good sleep and engaging in worthy pursuits( channelize his energies in learning an instrument, singing, debating, football, tennis, anything where he can expend his mental and physical energies... either enrol him in theses classes or have tutors coming home)
3.if making him study is getting difficult, hire tutors to teach him, physical classes, not online.
4. you said he has a brilliant mind... it is time to engage him in worthy pursuits
5. every day is a challenge with a teenager, you , being the parent has to keep changing strategies based on the need/mood of the day
6. as a parent read up on how to deal with a teenager and act accordingly
7. no confronting or criticizing openly, talk to him with all respect..do not tolerate his shouting and scolding...tell him it is unacceptable, nip it in the bud before it becomes a habit. You start dealing with problems and finding a solution in a calm manner, he'll start doing the same, he is learning from everyone around . It is good if adults around him behave properly
8.you are the adult here, set boundaries regarding screen time and stick to it. You all adults at home also need to have control over screen time.
9. talk to his teachers, counsellors, psychologist and anyone who can bridge the gap between you and your child, to help you communicate effectively with each other
10. channelize your son's energies, be with him, understand him( keep telling him that you and he are in the same team),love him, cherish him, guide him, be there for him and create WIN WIN situations!!

All the best to both you and your son!! Happy parenting..

..Read more

Latest Questions
Radheshyam

Radheshyam Zanwar  |1054 Answers  |Ask -

MHT-CET, IIT-JEE, NEET-UG Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 21, 2024Hindi
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Career
Hello, I am 3 yr neet dropper.in 2025 it will be my third attempt... I'm trying my best to crack neet ...i don't know what will happen will i score good marks or not ... please help me in suggesting good career options if not crack neet .....there are many options through neet marks also like bhms , veterinary...etc. i will also give entrance exam also like cuet ,gbpuat ,....but i want that what to choose which course will be best for me ...i want to make my life good and happy... having a good degree, good job ,...
Ans: Hello.
Have you analyzed your failure in 2 successive attempts in the NEET examination? If yes, then the question is what you have done for improvement and not then again the question arises why not? Here, I would like to suggest you focus now only on the NEET examination which is your 3rd attempt. Don't think about any other options right now till May 2025. After the NEET exam is over, you have ample time to explore the options available. Depending on your score in NEET 2025, we will guide you at that time. But yet, if you are confused, then looking towards your question and anxiety, you need personal counseling where you can express yourself face-to-face. Only after the NEET exam is over, you contact a counsellor for one-to-one counseling. Till then, keep mum and focus only on NEET. Take this exam as your mission and project. Work on this project, apply forces from all sides, success is there which is waiting for you eagerly.
Best of luck for your bright future.

Some tips: (1) Analyse separately Phy, Che, Bio (2) Prepare a list of hard topics (3) First focus more on the topics which are easy for you and then try to excel in hard topics (4) Appear more and more online/offline examinations (4) Prepare your short-cut file for all subjects (5) Prepare a file for each subject having only synopsis of all chapters (6) Try to solve the problems at the lightening speed and observe the period on regular basis (7) Create your time table to revise the topics on regular basis (8) Do not hesitate to ask your difficulties to your teachers, if you have joined to offline classes (9) Keep the habit of marking the answers which you know 100%. Don't guess the answers and mark them, as there is -ve marking scheme. (10) Be calm, quite, and smiling all the time to release the tension and always have a healthy chat with your friends.

If satisfied, please like and follow me.
If dissatisfied with the reply, please ask again without hesitation.
Thanks.

Radheshyam

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