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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 16, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
swapnadeep Question by swapnadeep on Aug 15, 2024Hindi
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Sir, thank you for the suggestions earlier. Currently my SIP Balance is Rs. 2.10 lacs and Stock balance is Rs. 0.82 lacs. About the 30k additional I'm a bit confused regarding 3 Funds. My 30k additional investments are 1. 10k in NIFTY Small Cap 250 2. 10k in NIFTY Midcap 150 I'm confused about the next 10k and is spoilt between 3 Funds 1. Nifty Index 50 2. Nifty Index 50 Equal Weightage 3. Nifty Next 50 Can you kindly suggest which of these 3 Funds would have chances of giving better returns in the next 15 yrs.

Ans: For the next 10k, it's better to avoid index funds like Nifty Index 50 and Nifty Index 50 Equal Weightage. Index funds often offer average returns that track the market, which might not be ideal for long-term growth. Instead, focus on actively managed funds that a Certified Financial Planner can suggest, tailored to your risk appetite and financial goals. This can potentially offer better returns over the next 15 years.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 08, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi Gurus, I'm investing 29k Sip in below funds. Can you pls look into these and suggest if any changes needed for better. 1. Uti nifty 50 index - 4k 2. Parag parikh flexicap - 6k 3. Jm flexi cap - 6k 4. Quant midcap - 6k 5. Quant smallcap - 3k 6. Nippon india small cap - 4k
Ans: You have a well-diversified SIP portfolio with an investment of Rs 29,000 per month. This includes exposure to large-cap, flexi-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. The diversity in your portfolio is commendable. It reflects a balanced approach, combining growth and stability. However, there is always room for optimization.

Re-evaluating the Index Fund Allocation
Your current allocation includes an index fund. Index funds track the market and are passively managed. While they are low-cost, they may not outperform actively managed funds over the long term.

Actively managed funds provide the advantage of expert fund management. This can lead to better returns, especially in a dynamic market like India. It might be beneficial to shift this allocation to a well-managed large-cap or multi-cap fund. This could enhance the growth potential of your portfolio.

Flexi-Cap Funds: A Balanced Approach
You have allocated Rs 12,000 in flexi-cap funds. Flexi-cap funds are versatile as they invest across market capitalizations. This flexibility allows fund managers to capitalize on market opportunities.

However, ensure that both flexi-cap funds are distinct in their investment strategy. Overlapping strategies may reduce diversification benefits. Consider reviewing the performance and investment style of these funds. This will help you avoid redundancy and maximize your portfolio's growth.

Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Funds: Growth Potential with Risk
Your portfolio has a significant allocation to mid-cap and small-cap funds. Mid-cap and small-cap funds are known for their high growth potential. However, they also come with increased volatility.

It is important to ensure that your risk appetite aligns with this allocation. Mid-cap and small-cap funds should ideally form a smaller portion of your portfolio if you are risk-averse. On the other hand, if you are comfortable with market fluctuations, these funds can contribute to long-term wealth creation.

Considering the Overlap in Small-Cap Funds
You have two small-cap funds in your portfolio. While small-cap funds offer high growth, having multiple funds in the same category might lead to overlap. This could reduce the effectiveness of diversification.

You may want to consolidate your investment into one well-performing small-cap fund. This will simplify your portfolio and potentially enhance returns. Focus on a fund with a strong track record and consistent performance.

The Importance of Regular Portfolio Review
Your SIP portfolio should be regularly reviewed to align with your financial goals. Markets and fund performances change over time. A Certified Financial Planner can help you make necessary adjustments.

Regular reviews will help in identifying underperforming funds. They will also help in capitalizing on new opportunities. This proactive approach ensures that your portfolio remains on track to achieve your financial objectives.

Benefits of Professional Guidance
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner provides several advantages. These professionals offer personalized advice tailored to your financial situation. They also have the expertise to navigate market complexities and optimize your portfolio.

Direct funds, while low-cost, may not offer the same level of guidance. Investing through regular funds with a CFP’s advice can lead to better financial outcomes. The value of professional expertise often outweighs the cost.

Tax Efficiency and Investment Planning
Your investment strategy should also consider tax efficiency. Equity mutual funds offer tax benefits, especially for long-term investors. However, tax laws can change, and it’s important to stay updated.

A Certified Financial Planner can help you optimize your tax liabilities. They can guide you on how to structure your investments to maximize post-tax returns. This is a crucial aspect of building and preserving wealth.

Aligning Investments with Financial Goals
Every investment should be aligned with your financial goals. Whether you are saving for retirement, buying a house, or funding your children's education, each goal requires a different strategy.

It’s important to map your SIPs to specific goals. This will help you track progress and make adjustments as needed. A goal-based approach ensures that your investments are purposeful and effective.

Balancing Growth and Stability
While your portfolio is growth-oriented, it’s essential to maintain a balance with stability. Growth funds can provide high returns, but they also carry higher risk.

Consider allocating a portion of your portfolio to debt funds or balanced funds. These funds offer stability and protect against market downturns. This balanced approach can safeguard your portfolio during volatile times.

Final Insights
Your current SIP portfolio is well-structured with a strong focus on growth through equity funds. You’ve done a commendable job in diversifying across different market capitalizations. However, to further optimize your portfolio, a few adjustments and considerations can enhance your investment strategy.

Here’s a recap of the key recommendations:

Reevaluate the Index Fund Allocation: Consider shifting your investment from the index fund to an actively managed large-cap or multi-cap fund. Actively managed funds offer the potential for higher returns due to expert management.

Review Flexi-Cap Funds: Ensure there’s no overlap between the two flexi-cap funds. They should have distinct investment strategies to maximize diversification benefits.

Manage Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Exposure: Given the inherent volatility of mid-cap and small-cap funds, assess your risk tolerance. If necessary, consolidate your small-cap funds to avoid redundancy and simplify your portfolio.

Regular Portfolio Review: Regularly reviewing your portfolio is crucial. It helps in making timely adjustments and ensuring your investments align with your financial goals. A Certified Financial Planner can provide valuable insights and guidance.

Tax Efficiency: Optimize your portfolio for tax efficiency. A CFP can help you navigate tax laws and structure your investments to maximize post-tax returns.

Align Investments with Financial Goals: Map your SIPs to specific financial goals. This goal-based approach ensures that each investment serves a clear purpose, helping you track progress and make informed adjustments.

Balance Growth with Stability: While your portfolio is geared towards growth, consider adding some stability through debt or balanced funds. This will help protect your investments during market downturns.

By implementing these recommendations, you can enhance the effectiveness of your SIP investments. It’s important to stay proactive and adaptable as market conditions and personal circumstances evolve. Your commitment to investing is commendable, and with the right strategy, you can achieve your financial goals more effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Money
Hello, I am 36 years old, married & have 1 daughter (5 years old). I'm investing in following funds & have investment horizon of more than 15 years. 1) SBI Small Cap - 7500 (3Yrs) 2) Axis Small Cap - 4500 (3Yrs) 3) Mirae Asset Large & Midcap Fund - 2500 (4Yrs) 4) Mirae Asset ELSS Tax Saver Fund - 3000 (3Yrs) 5) SBI Energy Opportunities Fund - 3000 (10Months) I'm planning to Rs. 30,000 more from next months. Can you please suggest in which SIP/ETF I should invest this 30k amount? And any changes I should make in my existing SIP investment? Please provide your valuable feedback.
Ans: Current Portfolio Assessment
Your portfolio has a mix of small-cap, large & mid-cap, ELSS, and thematic funds. Each category serves a different purpose.

Small-Cap Funds (Rs 12,000 per month): These funds have high growth potential but are volatile. A long-term horizon is needed.

Large & Mid-Cap Fund (Rs 2,500 per month): This balances risk and return. It provides stability with mid-cap growth.

ELSS Tax Saver Fund (Rs 3,000 per month): Helps in tax savings under Section 80C. It also has a three-year lock-in period.

Thematic/Energy Fund (Rs 3,000 per month): Sectoral funds are risky. They depend on the performance of a specific industry.

Your overall portfolio has a high allocation to small-cap and thematic funds. This increases risk. A more balanced approach is needed.

Issues in Current Portfolio
Overexposure to Small-Caps: Small-cap funds form a large part of your portfolio. This increases volatility.

Low Diversification: There is no exposure to Flexi-Cap or Multi-Cap funds. These provide stability.

Thematic Fund Allocation: Energy funds are cyclical. Performance may fluctuate based on government policies and global trends.

Low Large-Cap Exposure: Large-caps provide stability. You have no pure large-cap fund.

ELSS Fund Limitation: This is good for tax savings, but you need to check if your 80C limit is already met.

Suggested Changes to Existing SIPs
Reduce Small-Cap Allocation: Reduce one of the small-cap funds and shift the amount to a diversified fund.

Add a Multi-Cap or Flexi-Cap Fund: These funds invest across large, mid, and small-cap stocks. They provide diversification.

Reduce Thematic Fund Exposure: Limit sectoral funds to a smaller percentage of your portfolio.

Increase Large-Cap Allocation: This will add stability to your portfolio. Large-cap funds perform well in bear markets.

Continue ELSS If Needed: If you need more tax savings, continue. Otherwise, consider shifting to a diversified equity fund.

Where to Invest the Additional Rs 30,000
You should allocate this amount to reduce risk and improve stability. Below is a suggested allocation.

Multi-Cap or Flexi-Cap Fund (Rs 10,000): This ensures diversification across market caps.

Large-Cap Fund (Rs 7,500): Adds stability and reduces overall portfolio risk.

Mid-Cap Fund (Rs 7,500): Mid-caps have high growth potential with moderate risk.

Balanced Advantage Fund (Rs 5,000): These funds adjust equity and debt allocation based on market conditions.

Why Avoid Index Funds and ETFs?
No Fund Manager Expertise: Actively managed funds can outperform index funds over long periods.

Higher Downside Risk in Bear Markets: Index funds mirror the market. Actively managed funds can reduce losses during downturns.

No Flexibility in Market Cycles: Fund managers in active funds can shift allocations based on market conditions.

ETF Liquidity Issues: Buying and selling ETFs depend on market demand. This can impact prices.

Why Invest in Regular Funds via an MFD with CFP Credential?
Expert Guidance: Certified Financial Planners (CFPs) provide tailored investment strategies.

Portfolio Monitoring: MFDs help in reviewing and rebalancing your portfolio.

No DIY Errors: Direct investors often make mistakes in fund selection and exit timing.

Behavioral Coaching: MFDs prevent panic selling during market crashes.

Convenience: MFDs handle paperwork, taxation, and portfolio adjustments.

Final Insights
Reduce small-cap and thematic fund allocation.

Add large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Allocate the new Rs 30,000 in a diversified manner.

Avoid index funds and ETFs for better returns and risk management.

Use regular funds via an MFD with a CFP credential for expert advice.

This strategy will help you build wealth while managing risks.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |956 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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