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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 17, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Rohit Question by Rohit on Apr 14, 2024Hindi
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Hi sir, i want to start sip.. This will be my ist investment so what would your suggestion like on which categories should i invest or what should be my breakup.. I want to invest 5000 now then after few months 10k and around 2 year from now 22k

Ans: Starting Your SIP Journey: A Guide to Investing

Congratulations on taking the first step towards investing. Starting a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) is a wise decision for building wealth over time. Let's break down your investment strategy in a simple and effective manner.

Understanding Your Investment Goals
Before diving into the specifics, it's crucial to understand your financial goals, risk tolerance, and investment horizon. Since you are starting with ?5,000 and planning to increase it to ?10,000 in a few months and ?22,000 in two years, you have a progressive approach.

Suggested Categories for SIP Investment
Large-Cap Mutual Funds
Large-cap funds invest in well-established companies with a stable track record. They provide moderate growth with lower risk compared to mid-cap and small-cap funds. Ideal for new investors, these funds offer stability and consistent returns.

Multi-Cap Mutual Funds
Multi-cap funds invest across companies of different market capitalizations. They offer a balanced approach, providing diversification and the potential for higher returns. This category helps in managing risk while seeking growth.

Balanced Advantage Funds
Balanced advantage funds dynamically adjust the allocation between equity and debt. They aim to provide growth while managing risk effectively. These funds are suitable for beginners as they offer a balanced exposure to both equity and debt.

Debt Mutual Funds
Debt funds invest in fixed-income securities like bonds and government securities. They are less volatile compared to equity funds and provide stable returns. Including debt funds can add a safety net to your portfolio.

Suggested Breakup for ?5,000 SIP
Large-Cap Fund: ?2,000
Multi-Cap Fund: ?1,500
Balanced Advantage Fund: ?1,500
This allocation provides a mix of stability, diversification, and growth.

Suggested Breakup for ?10,000 SIP
As you increase your SIP amount, you can enhance your portfolio diversification:

Large-Cap Fund: ?3,000
Multi-Cap Fund: ?2,500
Balanced Advantage Fund: ?2,500
Debt Fund: ?2,000
Including a debt fund at this stage adds an element of safety and reduces overall portfolio risk.

Suggested Breakup for ?22,000 SIP
When you reach ?22,000 per month, you can further diversify and optimize your portfolio:

Large-Cap Fund: ?6,000
Multi-Cap Fund: ?5,500
Balanced Advantage Fund: ?5,500
Debt Fund: ?3,000
Mid-Cap Fund: ?2,000
Adding a mid-cap fund provides exposure to companies with higher growth potential, albeit with slightly higher risk.

Key Points to Remember
Start Small and Scale Up
Begin with the ?5,000 SIP and gradually increase it. This helps you get comfortable with investing and understand market dynamics.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Monitor your investments regularly. Rebalance your portfolio at least once a year to maintain the desired asset allocation.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
Seeking advice from a CFP can provide personalized guidance. They can help tailor your investment strategy based on your goals and risk tolerance.

Stay Disciplined and Patient
Investing is a long-term journey. Stay disciplined, avoid emotional decisions, and remain patient. Market fluctuations are normal, and long-term investments usually yield positive results.

Conclusion
Starting your SIP journey with a structured approach will set a strong foundation for your financial future. Diversify your investments across different categories, review regularly, and seek professional advice when needed. Your progressive investment strategy, beginning with ?5,000 and scaling up to ?22,000, will help you build a robust portfolio over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 07, 2024

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Hi sir, i want to start sip.. This will be my ist investment so what would your suggestion like on which categories should i invest or what should be my breakup.. I want to invest 5000 now then after few months 10k and around 2 year from now 22k...my target amount is 25 lacs within 5 yrs
Ans: Starting SIPs for your first investment is a great step towards building wealth over time. Since you have a target amount of 25 lakhs within a 5-year timeframe, it's essential to choose investment options that offer the potential for growth while managing risk. Here's a suggested approach for your SIP investment:
1. Diversified Equity Funds: Since your investment horizon is relatively short (5 years), it's crucial to focus on funds that offer growth potential while minimizing risk. Consider allocating a significant portion of your SIP towards diversified equity funds, which invest in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap stocks. These funds offer diversification across market segments and can potentially deliver higher returns over the long term. Aim to allocate around 60-70% of your SIP towards diversified equity funds.
2. Large Cap Funds: Large-cap funds invest in stocks of large, well-established companies with stable earnings and strong market presence. These funds offer stability and are relatively less volatile compared to mid-cap and small-cap funds. Consider allocating around 20-30% of your SIP towards large-cap funds to provide stability to your portfolio.
3. Mid Cap and Small Cap Funds (Optional): Mid-cap and small-cap funds have the potential to deliver higher returns but come with higher volatility. Given your relatively short investment horizon, consider allocating a smaller portion of your SIP (around 10-20%) towards mid-cap and small-cap funds, if you're comfortable with the higher risk associated with these segments.
4. Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) vs. Lump Sum: Since you're just starting, opting for SIPs can be a prudent approach, as they allow you to invest regularly over time and benefit from rupee cost averaging. As your investment horizon is relatively short, avoid making lump sum investments, as they may expose you to timing risk, especially considering market fluctuations.
5. Regular Review and Adjustment: Regularly review your investment portfolio and make adjustments as needed to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance. As your investment horizon progresses and your financial situation changes, consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) or financial advisor to reassess your investment strategy and make any necessary adjustments.
By following this approach and staying committed to your investment plan, you'll be well-positioned to achieve your target amount of 25 lakhs within a 5-year timeframe. Remember to stay disciplined, focus on the long term, and avoid making impulsive decisions based on short-term market fluctuations.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 28, 2024Hindi
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Sir i want to invest in sip my monthly saving will be between 1000 to 2500 Rs please advice.
Ans: It's great that you're looking to start investing through SIPs with your monthly savings! Here's some advice tailored to your budget:

Start Small: Even with a modest monthly savings of Rs. 1000 to 2500, you can begin investing through SIPs. The key is to start early and remain consistent with your contributions.
Choose Low-Cost Funds: Look for mutual funds with low expense ratios, as they minimize the impact of fees on your returns. Opt for direct plans of mutual funds to save on distribution expenses.
Focus on Equity Funds: Given your long-term investment horizon, consider investing in equity mutual funds. These funds have the potential to deliver higher returns over the long run, although they come with higher volatility.
Diversify Your Portfolio: Select a mix of different types of equity funds, such as large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds, to spread your risk across various market segments. Diversification can help mitigate the impact of market fluctuations.
Stay Invested for the Long Term: SIPs work best when you stay invested for the long term, allowing your investments to benefit from the power of compounding. Aim to invest consistently over several years to maximize your returns.
Review and Adjust: Periodically review your SIP investments to ensure they align with your financial goals and risk tolerance. You may need to adjust your investment strategy based on changes in your financial situation or market conditions.
Stay Informed: Take the time to educate yourself about mutual funds, investment strategies, and market trends. This knowledge will empower you to make informed decisions and stay on track with your financial goals.
Consult a Financial Advisor: If you're unsure about which funds to invest in or how to construct your investment portfolio, consider consulting a financial advisor. They can provide personalized advice based on your financial situation and goals.
By following these tips and starting your SIP journey with discipline and patience, you can gradually build wealth over time and work towards achieving your financial objectives. Remember, every rupee invested today can make a difference in securing your financial future tomorrow.

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 22, 2024

Money
Hi All, I am 38 year old workig in IT. I want to start SIP for 30000 INR for next 8 to 10 years Want advice in which fond I can invest. I can split 10 thousand in each fond. I am looking for 12 to 15% return. Thank you Rahul
Ans: Investing in mutual funds through a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) is a prudent way to build wealth over time. At 38 years old and working in IT, you have a clear vision of investing ?30,000 per month for the next 8 to 10 years. Your goal is to achieve a return of 12-15%. Let's explore the best fund options for your SIP investment and how you can split your investment for optimal returns.

Understanding Your Investment Goals
Long-Term Horizon
An investment horizon of 8 to 10 years is considered long-term. This allows you to benefit from the power of compounding and ride out market volatility.

Expected Returns
You aim for returns of 12-15%. Historically, equity mutual funds have been capable of delivering such returns over the long term. However, choosing the right mix of funds is crucial.

Types of Mutual Funds
Equity Mutual Funds
Equity mutual funds invest in stocks and have the potential for high returns. They are suitable for long-term goals but come with higher risk due to market volatility.

Balanced or Hybrid Funds
These funds invest in a mix of equities and debt. They offer a balance between growth and stability, making them suitable for moderate risk tolerance.

Debt Funds
Debt funds invest in fixed-income securities like bonds and treasury bills. They provide stable returns but generally lower than equity funds. They are suitable for conservative investors.

Recommended Fund Categories
Large Cap Funds
Benefits
Large cap funds invest in large, well-established companies with strong track records. They offer stability and moderate growth.

Suitability
Ideal for investors seeking relatively lower risk and steady returns.

Mid Cap Funds
Benefits
Mid cap funds invest in medium-sized companies with high growth potential. They offer higher returns compared to large cap funds but come with increased risk.

Suitability
Suitable for investors with a higher risk appetite seeking substantial growth.

Small Cap Funds
Benefits
Small cap funds invest in smaller companies with significant growth potential. They offer the highest returns among equity funds but also come with the highest risk.

Suitability
Best for investors willing to take high risks for high rewards.

Flexi Cap Funds
Benefits
Flexi cap funds invest across market capitalizations—large, mid, and small caps—without any predefined proportion. This flexibility allows fund managers to optimize returns based on market conditions.

Suitability
Ideal for investors seeking a diversified portfolio with balanced risk and returns.

Aggressive Hybrid Funds
Benefits
Aggressive hybrid funds invest in a mix of equities (65-80%) and debt (20-35%). This combination aims to balance high returns from equities and stability from debt.

Suitability
Suitable for investors seeking consistent returns with moderate risk.

Investment Strategy
Splitting Your SIP
Based on your requirement to split ?30,000 into three funds, here is a suggested allocation:

Large Cap Fund: ?10,000 per month
Mid Cap Fund: ?10,000 per month
Flexi Cap Fund: ?10,000 per month
This allocation balances stability, growth potential, and flexibility.

Monitoring and Rebalancing
Regular Review
Regularly monitor your investments to ensure they are performing as expected. Adjust your portfolio based on performance and changes in market conditions.

Rebalancing
Rebalance your portfolio periodically to maintain your desired asset allocation. This helps in optimizing returns and managing risks.

Detailed Analysis of Fund Categories
Large Cap Funds
Stability and Reliability
Large cap funds invest in well-established companies. These companies are leaders in their industries and have a history of providing steady returns. This makes large cap funds a cornerstone of a balanced portfolio.

Example Companies
Think of companies like Infosys or Reliance Industries. Investing in such companies offers lower risk compared to mid and small cap stocks.

Mid Cap Funds
Growth Potential
Mid cap funds target companies that are in their growth phase. These companies have the potential to become large cap companies in the future. The growth potential is higher, but so is the risk.

Market Performance
Mid cap stocks tend to perform well during economic expansions when companies are growing. However, they may be more volatile during economic downturns.

Flexi Cap Funds
Diversification
Flexi cap funds provide the benefit of diversification across different market capitalizations. Fund managers can adjust the allocation based on market conditions, which can help in optimizing returns.

Adaptive Strategy
These funds are adaptive and can shift their focus to the best performing sectors and companies. This flexibility can lead to better performance in varying market conditions.

Benefits of Active Fund Management
Professional Expertise
Actively managed funds benefit from the expertise of professional fund managers who can make informed decisions to optimize returns.

Market Adaptation
Fund managers can adapt to market trends and economic changes, potentially outperforming passive index funds which follow a set index.

Risk Management
Active fund managers can implement strategies to mitigate risks, such as diversifying across sectors or reallocating assets based on market conditions.

Conclusion
Investing ?30,000 per month in SIPs over the next 8 to 10 years can potentially yield the desired returns of 12-15%. A balanced approach with investments in large cap, mid cap, and flexi cap funds offers a good mix of stability, growth potential, and flexibility. Regular monitoring and rebalancing of your portfolio will ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals. Consulting with a Certified Financial Planner can provide personalized advice to optimize your investment strategy.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Requesting you, to help me, regarding midcap 150 etf of mirae asset midcap 150 etf for longterm through SIP
Ans: Let us review the suitability of investing in a mid-cap 150 ETF for the long term via SIP.

Understanding ETFs and Their Characteristics
Passive Management: Midcap ETFs replicate an index like the Nifty Midcap 150.

Cost Efficiency: They offer lower expense ratios compared to actively managed funds.

No Active Decision Making: They do not try to outperform the market but track the index.

Volatility Concerns: Midcap indices are more volatile than large-cap indices.

Returns Depend on Index: The ETF's performance mirrors the performance of its benchmark.

Disadvantages of Investing in Midcap ETFs
Lack of Active Management
Mid-cap stocks are highly volatile.

Active fund managers can adjust portfolios to limit risks during downturns.

ETFs lack this flexibility, as they strictly follow the index composition.

Limited Flexibility in Rebalancing
Market conditions often demand sector rotation or stock-specific decisions.

Actively managed funds adapt to such conditions, but ETFs cannot.

Tracking Errors
ETFs may not perfectly replicate the index due to tracking errors.

This can affect returns, especially over the long term.

Why Actively Managed Funds May Be Better
Fund Manager Expertise
Skilled managers can outperform the index by selecting high-growth stocks.

They can mitigate risks in falling markets through tactical decisions.

Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not limited to a predefined basket of stocks.

Managers can select fundamentally strong stocks beyond the index.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds have historically outperformed midcap indices over long periods.

This makes them a better choice for wealth creation in the mid-cap segment.

Recommendations for Long-Term Mid-Cap Investments
Diversify: Include actively managed mid-cap funds instead of relying solely on an ETF.

Professional Guidance: Invest in regular plans via a Certified Financial Planner.

Monitor Performance: Review fund performance every 6–12 months.

Manage Risk: Avoid overexposure to mid-cap investments due to their volatility.

Final Insights
While Mirae Asset Midcap 150 ETF is a low-cost option, it has limitations.

Active mid-cap funds can better navigate market volatility.

They provide the flexibility and expertise required for wealth creation.

For long-term SIPs, consider balanced exposure to actively managed funds. This ensures both growth and risk management over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Money
Dear sir, I am 50 years old and working in private sector MNC 1.5 Lakhs on hand. My job security is very less. I have two kids aged 18, 14 years old. My wife is housewife. I have 80L in Mutual funds and 20L in stocks, Bank deposits 40L. I am investing in SIP in below Mutual funds all direct growth around 57000 pm. CR Bule chip fund, MA Large and Midcap, HDFC smallcap each 5000 pm (15000) step up 2000 every 6months. Invesco Infra, JM Value fund, Nippon India Multicap, Small cap, Parag parekh Flexi cap, Quant Small cap, Mid cap each 6000 pm (42000), all these SIPs started recently from June 2024. Some Lumpsum in Axis smallcap 6L, Bandan core Equity 3L, CR Smallcap 8L, DSP smallcap 4L,HSBC Flexicap 3.5, HSBC Smallcap 3L, ICICI Pru Infra 3.5L, Value discovery 3L, Invesco Large & Midcap 2L, JM Flexicap 1L, Motilal Oswal Midcap 8L, SBI Bluechip 7L, Infrastructure 2L, Sundaram Smallcap 3L My expenses per month are 1.2 Lakh. I don't have loans/EMIs. Please advice me for my retirement life which need at least 1.5L per month, my kids education expenses, and also advice to my Portfolio. Thanks and regards, Yours sincerely, Purushotham Thati
Ans: Your current portfolio and investment habits show a good start. Let us evaluate your financial standing, address your goals, and provide suggestions for optimisation.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh and expenses of Rs. 1.2 lakh. This leaves a surplus of Rs. 30,000 per month.

Investment Corpus: Your existing corpus includes Rs. 80 lakh in mutual funds, Rs. 20 lakh in stocks, and Rs. 40 lakh in bank deposits.

SIP Contributions: You are investing Rs. 57,000 monthly across multiple mutual funds.

Lump Sum Investments: You have allocated significant lump sums to small-cap, flexi-cap, and thematic funds.

Goals: Your goals include securing Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly for retirement and funding your children's education.

Planning for Retirement
Corpus Required
You aim for Rs. 1.5 lakh per month during retirement.

Factor in inflation to estimate future monthly expenses.

The current corpus and SIPs must grow consistently to meet this goal.

Recommendations
Maintain a balanced allocation between equity and debt for steady growth.

Avoid excessive concentration in small-cap and thematic funds, which are volatile.

Increase exposure to balanced and flexi-cap funds for stability.

Planning for Children’s Education
Current Needs
Your children are aged 18 and 14, which implies upcoming higher education expenses.

Plan for expenses within the next 4–8 years.

Recommendations
Create a dedicated education fund for both children.

Use debt-oriented hybrid funds or short-term debt funds for near-term goals.

Ensure part of your mutual fund corpus is earmarked for this purpose.

Portfolio Review and Suggestions
Strengths of the Portfolio
Disciplined SIP Investments: Investing Rs. 57,000 monthly shows financial discipline.

Diversification: Exposure to various categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds.

Areas for Improvement
Excessive Small-Cap Allocation: High exposure to small-cap funds increases volatility.

Thematic Fund Overlap: Thematic funds like infrastructure may lead to concentration risks.

Direct Fund Investments: Direct funds lack professional guidance and ongoing monitoring.

Portfolio Optimisation
Consolidate funds to reduce over-diversification and improve focus.

Shift some SIPs to balanced advantage or hybrid funds for stability.

Review and replace underperforming funds periodically.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner to benefit from professional advice.

Optimising Lumpsum Investments
Review the performance of your lump sum investments.

Redeploy underperforming small-cap and thematic funds into balanced funds.

Keep a portion of your bank deposits in liquid funds for emergencies.

Avoid high allocations to sectoral or cyclical funds due to their dependency on market conditions.

Tax Planning
Long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions considering these rules to minimise tax liabilities.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Maintain at least 6–12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.

This ensures financial security given your low job security.

Allocate Rs. 15–20 lakh from your bank deposits for this purpose.

Recommendations for SIPs
Reduce exposure to small-cap and thematic funds.

Increase allocation to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Consider balanced advantage funds to manage market volatility.

Step-up SIPs only after assessing fund performance.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong, but optimisation is essential.

Prioritise stability and diversification in your portfolio.

Allocate funds separately for retirement and children’s education.

Maintain a robust emergency fund to handle uncertainties.

Seek professional advice to streamline and monitor your investments.

Consistent review and disciplined investing will help you achieve financial independence and secure your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |807 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
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Retiremen advice I am 50 yrs old single with recurring and chronic health issues. I would like to retire and I have 2 crore in FD 1 crore in stock and mutual funds I also own a home and a flat both are free of debt. Please advice me to restructure my assets and have a peaceful retirement. My tax consultant told me I can get up to 3 lakhs per month with 3 cr invested in stocks and mutual funds How realistic is it possible and how to montage the downside risks associated with it. I had been a victim of Franklin Templeton debt funds during covid and I do not trust Mutual funds houses or its manages as before.
Ans: Hello;

It is impossible to get 3 L per month with 3 Cr corpus in mutual funds, unless you are ready to deplete the corpus completely over 10-12 years.

Since you were impacted with Franklin Templeton debt funds issue earlier, I recommend you to buy an immediate annuity from a life insurance company for a sum of 2.8 Cr.

You may chose annuity for life with return of purchase price to your nominee.

It may yield you a post tax monthly income of around 1.1 L+.

After fulfilling your regular expenses you may begin a monthly sip of 10-15 K in any equity fund.

The corpus that this investment will generate over 10-15 years may be used to top-up annuity and hence monthly payouts to account for rise in the inflation.

You may keep balance 20 L corpus in savings account as emergency fund.

Although the Franklin Templeton debt fund issue was difficult for the unitholders of those funds, the alacrity and surgical precision with which SEBI handled that issue and ensured all investors get their money back was commendable.

We cannot control human behaviour but we have extremely robust system of checks and balances in regulation of our MF industry to safeguard investor interests at all costs even if some negative event occurs.

Seek help from a mutual fund distributor or an investment advisor for help, if required.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Hi, I Am 26(M). I had an arranged marriage, my wife had a pre-marital affair which continued even after our engagement and for 9 months of marriage. According to my wife, she met him once and he wanted to have sex but my wife didn't do it. (The used to chat on Instagram). I found out today after 2 years of marriage. And we just had a baby. My wife asked me to use Instagram after we got engaged, but I refused because I was afraid it would have a bad effect on her. I don't even use it cause I know what can go wrong. When I caught her red-handed and saw the man's chats, I took her phone. And then I had read a little chat, then my wife came to me and said that she had to call our maid. I gave her the phone and she not only spoke on the phone but also deleted the chats with the guy. My eyes were closed when she spoke to maid on the phone. Cause I was so tired. Then I asked my wife to talk to him in front of me because I wanted to teach him a lesson and find his fiancée and tell her the truth. I'm very loyal to my wife. And she was my world. I've never had a girlfriend. I am open minded and I had asked my wife before the engagement, after the engagement on the phone and even after the marriage that if she had a past, I will accept it. My wife messaged him and he asked her talk on video call. The guy also knows that we have just had a baby who is not even 1 month old. I turned on the screen recording of the video call and gave it to my wife. In that screen recording, my wife texted the guy and told him to talk carefully cause I was sitting in front of her and then deleted the message with option of 'delete for you' on Instagram. This is how my wife cheated on me 2 times even after being caught. She told me that she loved me later on. And she took great care of me. She brought me out of depression. She did everything and I also loved her with all my heart and did everything for her. Right now she is saying I forgive her and she wants to live with me like before. She apologized a ton as well. But I don't know what to do at the moment. After so many lies, I can't trust her easily. She has a habit of lying in small things as well. I want to live with her, she was my support, my mother is not even there. when I was 12 years old... Now what do I do? Please kindly guide me!
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
Yes, you feel like your trust has been broken. Is it easy to build back that trust? Yes and No...Yes, if you wish to...No, if you don't wish to...
If you go back in time and play the same story about how you wife was on Instagram and how she 'cheated' on you, there is no way that you can put your marriage back together.
How are you open-minded when an Instagram account causes you to fear what will happen? I can understand that you are a person with no past girlfriends but people do come with a past. Now, your wife could have shared her past with you, but most women seem to not want to for fear of reaction from the men like you have now. I can see that all this has hurt you, but if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to drop all the past baggage, yours and your wife's and start afresh. Which means taking things for what it is NOW at face value without doubting it.
Can you do that? My suggestion would be: make an honest attempt at it. But warn yourself against going back in to the past otherwise there will be more mud throwing and no solution in sight.
Start new, Start afresh...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 28, 2024 | Answered on Dec 28, 2024
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Thanks You Very Much Ma'am For Your Answer. The Reason For Not Using Instagram Was Cause I Didn't Wanted To Look At Any Other Women Instead Of Her. My Intentions Were Pure. Also I Didn't wanted a thing which can spark of cheating so there will be no fire. I am open minded I told her I will accept it. Problem is that affair continued even after engagement and marriage (till 9 months of marriage) But today's condition is that i think she has lost interest. We have tradition inwhich wife goes to their home and stay for 2-3 months. Her mother has been so influential from beginning so am telling her to comeback. She is not ready to comeback even when I am sick. I told her to come back for at least 4-5 days so we can talk. I am afraid she will mindwash her. And I can see that. I have given the best possible time yet she is complaining that I don't give time. When I told her to come back she overeated that she will never go there and that. She wasn't like this. She was with me in my everything. I am so confused. I have forgiven & forgotten everything about the past still... What do you suggest ma'am???
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
I have already made my suggestions in the initial response. Start afresh and wipe the slate clean. Rebuilding trust cannot happen overnight, so give the marriage a fair GO.
What you have shared again are problems and when you stay in that Zone, you will only be able to focus on problems. When there is an intention to solve the issue, the prerequisite is to move away from all the things that have gone wrong/bad and all the things that you think will go wrong/bad. That's the only way to solve problems. So my suggestions are still the same.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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