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How Can I Afford a 60 Lakh Flat in Mumbai with a 60,000 Salary and No Savings?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 02, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Sumit Question by Sumit on Jul 22, 2024Hindi
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My monthly salary 60000. I have no any savings but right now I stay in rented house in Mumbai. I want purchase own flat Rs.60 Lakhs how’s is possible?

Ans: Current Financial Situation
Your monthly salary is Rs. 60,000. You live in a rented house in Mumbai. You have no savings currently.
Housing Goal
You want to buy a flat worth Rs. 60 lakhs. This is a big goal for your income level.
Challenges

Your income is limited compared to property prices in Mumbai
You have no existing savings to use as down payment
Mumbai real estate market is very expensive

Possible Strategies

Start saving aggressively from your salary each month
Look for ways to increase your income through side jobs
Consider more affordable areas in Mumbai's outskirts
Explore government housing schemes for first-time buyers
Look into home loan options from banks

Saving Plan

Aim to save at least 30-40% of your salary each month
Cut unnecessary expenses and create a strict budget
Start an automatic transfer to a separate savings account
Look for higher interest savings options like FDs

Increasing Income

Ask for a raise or promotion at your current job
Take on freelance work or a part-time job
Upgrade your skills to qualify for higher-paying roles

Home Loan Considerations

Most banks require 10-20% down payment
Your current income may not qualify for a Rs. 60 lakh loan
Work on improving your credit score for better loan terms

Government Schemes

Look into PMAY (Pradhan Mantri Awas Yojana) for subsidies
Check eligibility for Maharashtra Housing schemes

Timeline Expectations

Saving for down payment may take 3-5 years or more
Be patient and consistent with your savings plan
Property prices may change, so stay updated on market trends

Finally
Buying a Rs. 60 lakh flat on a Rs. 60,000 salary is challenging. Start saving, increase income, and explore all options. Stay focused on your goal.
Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 21, 2024

Money
Hello All. I am 46 and my earning is 40k pm. . I have investment in various equity and sgb of around 1lac. I have around 5lac in bank. What can do so that I can buy flat or plot in coming years.
Ans: At 46, with a monthly income of Rs 40,000 and a goal to buy a flat or plot, it's essential to plan strategically. Let's explore the steps to help you achieve this goal.

Understanding Your Financial Situation
Income and Savings

Your monthly income is Rs 40,000. You have Rs 1 lakh invested in equity and SGBs, and Rs 5 lakh in the bank.

Expenses and Savings Rate

Understanding your monthly expenses will help determine your savings rate. Aim to save at least 20-30% of your income, i.e., Rs 8,000 to Rs 12,000 monthly.

Setting Clear Financial Goals
Primary Goal

Save enough to buy a flat or plot in the coming years. Determine the approximate cost of the property you wish to purchase.

Secondary Goals

Ensure financial security for emergencies, retirement, and other long-term needs.

Building an Emergency Fund
1. Emergency Fund

Maintain an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses. This will safeguard you against unexpected financial setbacks.

2. Liquid Assets

Keep this fund in liquid assets like a savings account or short-term fixed deposits for easy access.

Optimizing Your Investments
1. Equity Investments

You have Rs 1 lakh in equity and SGBs. Continue investing in these for long-term growth. Equity can provide higher returns over time.

2. Bank Savings

Your Rs 5 lakh in the bank is a good start. However, bank savings offer low returns. Consider moving some funds to higher-yield investments.

Monthly Investment Strategy
1. Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)

Start SIPs in mutual funds. Invest Rs 8,000 to Rs 12,000 monthly. Choose a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds for diversification.

2. Gold Investments

Continue with SGBs as part of your investment portfolio. Gold can act as a hedge against inflation and economic uncertainty.

Loan Repayment Strategy
1. Avoid Unnecessary Debt

Avoid taking on high-interest debt. Focus on saving and investing rather than borrowing.

2. Efficient Loan Management

If you need to take a loan for the property, plan for a manageable EMI. Aim for a tenure that balances EMI and interest payments effectively.

Enhancing Your Income
1. Side Income Opportunities

Explore ways to increase your income. This could be through freelance work, part-time jobs, or leveraging any skills you have.

2. Skill Development

Invest in learning new skills that can help you get a better-paying job or a promotion. This can significantly boost your income.

Tax Planning
1. Tax-saving Investments

Maximize your tax-saving investments under Section 80C, like PPF, EPF, and ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme). This will help reduce your tax liability.

2. Tax-efficient Returns

Opt for investments that offer tax-efficient returns. For example, long-term capital gains from equity mutual funds are taxed favorably.

Retirement Planning
1. Retirement Corpus

While your immediate goal is buying a property, ensure you also save for retirement. A diversified portfolio can help build a substantial retirement corpus.

2. Retirement Accounts

Continue with EPF and PPF, and consider investing in the National Pension System (NPS) for additional retirement savings.

Children's Education and Future Needs
1. Education Fund

If you have children, start a dedicated investment plan for their education. SIPs in equity mutual funds can help accumulate a significant corpus over time.

2. Future Expenses

Plan for future expenses like children's marriage or any other significant financial commitments. SIPs and long-term investments can aid in this.

Role of Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
1. Professional Guidance

Consulting a CFP can provide personalized advice and help in optimizing your investment strategy. They can guide you in selecting the right funds and managing your portfolio.

2. Regular Reviews

A CFP will regularly review your portfolio, ensuring it remains aligned with your goals and market conditions.

Benefits of Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
1. Expert Management

Regular funds offer expert management and advice, which can lead to better investment decisions and optimized returns.

2. Convenience

Your CFP handles all the paperwork, portfolio reviews, and rebalancing, providing convenience and peace of mind.

3. Cost vs. Benefit

The slightly higher expense ratio of regular funds is justified by the professional guidance and better portfolio management they offer.

Achieving Your Property Purchase Goal
1. Consistent Investments

Invest consistently in mutual funds through SIPs. Rs 8,000 to Rs 12,000 monthly for several years can grow significantly with compounding.

2. Higher Returns

Equity mutual funds can provide higher returns over the long term compared to traditional investments like FD or PPF.

3. Disciplined Approach

Maintain a disciplined approach to investing. Avoid high-risk investments and focus on long-term growth.

Final Insights
Your goal of buying a flat or plot in the coming years is achievable with a structured and disciplined investment plan. Focus on mutual funds, avoid unnecessary debt, and regularly review your portfolio. Consulting a Certified Financial Planner can provide valuable guidance and help you stay on track to meet your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 26, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 30 year old , recently married. I live on rent in Kolkata with my wife.I am only earning member having yearly income of 25 lakhs. I want to buy one apartment and also want to invest money securely.In present I didn't invest anywhere and have 26 lakhs in saving account so please guide me accordingly.
Ans: You’ve done well saving Rs. 26 lakhs at age 30. A yearly income of Rs. 25 lakhs is commendable, especially as the sole earner. Living in Kolkata with your wife and planning to buy an apartment shows strong financial planning and responsibility.

Financial Goals and Prioritization
Identifying and prioritizing your financial goals is crucial. Buying an apartment and investing securely are your immediate goals. It’s important to balance these with other long-term goals like retirement planning, emergency funds, and insurance coverage.

Building an Emergency Fund
Start by setting up an emergency fund. This should cover 6-12 months of living expenses. It provides a financial cushion against unforeseen events like medical emergencies or job loss. Allocate a portion of your Rs. 26 lakhs savings into a liquid fund or a high-interest savings account for this purpose.

Insurance Needs
Ensuring adequate insurance is essential. As the sole earner, life and health insurance are crucial.

Life Insurance: Term insurance is recommended. It provides high coverage at low premiums, ensuring your family's financial security.

Health Insurance: A comprehensive health insurance policy covering yourself and your wife is necessary. It helps manage medical expenses without dipping into savings.

Investment Strategy
With Rs. 26 lakhs in your savings account and a steady income, diversifying your investments is key. Here’s a step-by-step approach:

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
PPF is a safe, long-term investment option. It offers tax benefits under Section 80C, and the interest earned is tax-free. Although it has a 15-year lock-in period, it’s a good option for risk-averse investors seeking steady returns.

Fixed Deposits (FDs)
FDs are low-risk investments that provide guaranteed returns. They are suitable for short-term goals and emergency funds. While the returns are lower than other investment options, the safety and liquidity they offer are beneficial.

Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are excellent for long-term wealth creation. They offer various categories based on risk and return profiles. Let’s explore different types:

Equity Mutual Funds: These invest in stocks and have the potential for high returns. They are suitable for long-term goals like retirement. Consider large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds based on your risk appetite. Large-cap funds are less risky, while small-cap funds offer higher returns with higher risks.

Debt Mutual Funds: These invest in fixed-income securities like bonds. They are less volatile compared to equity funds. Suitable for short to medium-term goals, debt funds provide stable returns with lower risk.

Hybrid Mutual Funds: These invest in a mix of equity and debt. They offer a balanced approach with moderate risk and returns. Ideal for medium-term goals, hybrid funds provide a diversified portfolio.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
SIPs allow you to invest a fixed amount regularly in mutual funds. They help in rupee cost averaging and compounding. Given your stable income, you can start SIPs in different mutual funds. This disciplined approach ensures consistent investing, reducing the impact of market volatility.

Avoiding Index Funds and Direct Funds
Index Funds: Index funds passively replicate market indices and offer lower returns compared to actively managed funds. Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market through research and analysis, providing better returns.

Direct Funds: Investing directly in funds without the guidance of a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a CFP credential can be risky. Regular funds through an MFD offer professional advice and better service, ensuring your investments align with your goals.

Power of Compounding
Compounding is the process where returns generate their own returns. The longer you stay invested, the more your money grows. For instance, investing Rs. 10,000 monthly for 20 years at an annual return of 12% can significantly increase your corpus. This emphasizes the importance of starting early and staying invested for the long term.

Planning for Home Purchase
Buying an apartment is a significant financial commitment. Here’s how you can plan for it:

Down Payment: Use a portion of your Rs. 26 lakhs savings for the down payment. Aim for at least 20% of the property value to reduce loan burden.

Home Loan: Research home loan options to find the best interest rates. Ensure the EMI is affordable, ideally not exceeding 30% of your monthly income. This ensures you have enough funds for other expenses and investments.

Loan Tenure: Choose a tenure that balances EMI affordability and total interest paid. Longer tenures mean lower EMIs but higher total interest. Shorter tenures mean higher EMIs but lower total interest.

Pre-Approval: Get a pre-approval for your home loan. It gives you a clear idea of your budget and speeds up the buying process.

Balancing Investments and Home Loan
While saving for your home, don’t neglect your investments. Here’s how you can balance both:

Allocate Savings: Split your Rs. 26 lakhs savings. Use a portion for the down payment and invest the rest in mutual funds, PPF, and FDs.

Continue SIPs: Even after taking a home loan, continue your SIPs. Allocate a portion of your monthly savings to SIPs for long-term wealth creation.

Extra Payments: Make occasional extra payments towards your home loan principal. It reduces your interest burden and shortens the loan tenure.

Retirement Planning
It’s never too early to plan for retirement. Here’s a strategy to ensure a comfortable retirement:

Determine Retirement Corpus: Estimate the amount you’ll need at retirement. Consider factors like inflation, lifestyle, and healthcare costs. A certified financial planner can help you with detailed projections.

Start Early: The earlier you start, the better. Compounding works wonders over time. Regularly investing in equity mutual funds through SIPs will help build a significant corpus.

Review and Adjust: Periodically review your retirement plan. Adjust based on changes in income, expenses, and market conditions. Stay flexible to ensure you’re on track.

Tax Planning
Effective tax planning helps in maximizing returns. Utilize available tax-saving instruments like PPF, EPF, ELSS mutual funds, and insurance premiums. Under Section 80C, you can claim up to Rs. 1.5 lakh deduction annually. ELSS mutual funds are particularly beneficial as they offer equity exposure with tax benefits.

Regular Monitoring and Review
Financial planning is not a one-time activity. Regularly monitor your investments and review your financial plan. Ensure it aligns with your changing goals and circumstances. Make adjustments as needed to stay on track.

Avoiding Common Investment Mistakes
Lack of Diversification: Don’t put all your money into one type of investment. Diversify across different asset classes to spread risk.

Ignoring Inflation: Consider inflation while planning. Ensure your investments grow faster than inflation to maintain purchasing power.

Emotional Decisions: Avoid making investment decisions based on emotions. Market fluctuations are normal. Stick to your plan and avoid panic selling.

Final Insights
Given your current financial position, you’re well-placed to achieve your goals. Start by setting up an emergency fund and ensuring adequate insurance coverage. Diversify your investments across PPF, FDs, and mutual funds. Use SIPs for disciplined investing and leverage the power of compounding. Balance your home purchase plans with ongoing investments. Regularly review and adjust your financial plan to stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 03, 2025Hindi
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Personal Status Current Age - 35Y Male Profession - Embedded Engineer Disposal Income - 1.6L/Month Monthly Expense - 50K/Month Yearly Onetime Expenses - 3L/Year (School Fee, Premiums, Personal) Annual Disposal Income - 19,20,000 Annual Expenses - 9,00,000 Financial Status (1) Term Insurance - 1Cr (2) Health Insurance (1) Company Insurance - 3L (MySelf, Spouse, 2 Kids, Father and Mother) (2) Personal Insurance - 25L (Star Health Assure Floater Policy - MySelf, Spouse, 2 Kids) (3) Emergency Fund - 5L in Debt Fund (ICICI All Season Bond) Current Asset Allocation: (1) Real Estate - 46% (2) Equity - 20% (3) Gold - 11% (4) Debt - 9% (5) Retirement - 16% Investment Plan: (1) Debt - 25% (2) PPFAS Flexi Cap MF - 20% (3) Axis Mid Cap MF - 17% (4) Quant HealthCare MF - 9% (5) Tata Digital MF - 6% (6) Global Fund - 5% (7) UTI Nifty 50 Index - 10% (8) Stocks - 8% Other Investment (Retirement Plan): SSY - 1.5L/Year PF - 2.5L/Year Investment duration: Next 15Years Can you please guide me in the following questions (1) The Allocation to MF are fine or need to be modified? (2) Can you suggest the allocation to Global Stocks MF? (3) The Global Fund suggestion if any It would be grateful if any other things I need to consider or modify. Thank you in advance!
Ans: Hello;

My feedback is as given below:

1. First your term life cover is not adequate. It should be enhanced to
2-3 Cr.

2. Healthcare coverage for your parents is relatively lower considering that they may be in the higher age band hence higher possibility of medical risks.

3. Emergency fund should be parked in overnight/liquid or arbitrage fund. Never in a dynamic bond fund with Macaulay duration of 3-4 years. Returns are not that important as liquidity and low risk for emergency fund.

4. Considering your age the allocation to equity is quite low. Assuming that you have a conservative risk profile still you should atleast have 40% allocation to equity mutual funds(not direct stocks) and taper it down gradually as you approach retirement age.

I mean actively managed or passive equity mutual funds and not sectoral and thematic funds(shouldn't be more then 10-15% of your equity allocation).

5. You already have exposure to global stocks through your flexicap fund. In addition to that you have 5% allocation to global stocks MF which maybe enhanced to 8%.

To maintain neutrality of this forum we are duty bound to avoid indicating fund house preference or recommendation.

6. Allocation to Gold should be max 10% of the portfolio.

7. Consider NPS for retirement planning. It's an E-E-E type of investment with very less withdrawals allowed before 60.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |118 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Relationship
Dear Doctor, Greetings of the day. I am a married man with two daughters. Ours was an intercaste love marriage, and I was fully aware of my wife’s past before we got married. At that time, I had no issues with her past as I believed she had moved on, and I was completely fine with it. We got married in 2008, and due to my job profile, we had to live away from our hometown. My wife is a highly educated woman, and she sacrificed her career to focus on raising our children. Once our younger daughter turned 9, we decided it was time for my wife to resume her professional career. She started a naturopathy clinic in our hometown, while I continued working in another city, living the life of a “forced bachelor.” However, after a year of being apart, I started missing my family deeply. I decided to leave my job and take up another role closer to our hometown so that I could spend weekends with my family. Since then, whenever I visit home, I sense a change in my wife’s behavior and body language. Things do not feel the same between us anymore. I have observed that her ex-boyfriend, who lives near her parents’ house, is a factor in this situation. Her ex’s elder sister frequently visits my wife’s clinic, and my wife also visits her parents’ house regularly, where he is around. I feel uneasy about this because her ex is known to be a drunkard and a manipulative man who can play with her mind. On one occasion, during a family function, he approached me, seemingly about to start a conversation, but my wife made a subtle signal, and he immediately stopped. He was drunk at the time, and that incident has been stuck in my mind ever since. I am unsure how to deal with this situation or what steps to take moving forward. It is affecting my peace of mind, and I feel lost. Kindly guide me on how to approach this matter.
Ans: It’s understandable that you’re feeling uneasy and concerned about the situation. Relationships, especially long-term ones, evolve over time, and external factors can create complex dynamics. Here’s a step-by-step approach to help you navigate this:

1. Clarify Your Feelings
Reflect on what exactly is making you uncomfortable—your wife’s behavior, her interactions with her ex, or the idea that her past might be resurfacing.
Separate your assumptions from facts. It’s important to ensure your concerns are grounded in reality and not solely based on fears.
2. Open Communication with Your Wife
Choose a calm and private moment to talk to your wife. Share your feelings without accusations or judgment.
Use “I” statements, such as:
“I’ve been feeling uneasy about some things and would like to discuss them with you. I value our relationship and want to ensure we’re on the same page.”
Be honest but gentle. Aim to understand her perspective and ensure she feels safe sharing her thoughts with you.
3. Understand Her Perspective
Ask her how she’s feeling about the current state of your relationship, her work-life balance, and your family dynamics.
Inquire about her interactions with her ex’s family and clarify if they are merely coincidental or something more deliberate.
4. Establish Boundaries
If the situation with her ex is a source of discomfort for you, it’s okay to express that and set boundaries together.
For example: “I respect your independence, but I feel uneasy about the proximity to your ex. Can we find a way to address this together?”
5. Revisit the Relationship Foundation
Long-distance and career changes can create emotional gaps. Reconnect with your wife by revisiting shared goals, dreams, and moments that brought you together.
Plan activities together, even small ones, that allow you to strengthen your bond.
6. Self-Care
Feeling lost and restless can impact your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that help you stay grounded, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling.
Seek support from trusted friends or a counselor if you need a safe space to process your feelings.
7. Consider Professional Guidance
If the situation continues to strain your relationship, couples counseling can be a constructive way to work through concerns with an objective third party.
8. Evaluate the Bigger Picture
Look at your wife’s overall behavior and commitment to the family. If her actions consistently demonstrate care and loyalty, the presence of her ex might be less significant than it feels.
Conversely, if her behavior indicates distance or secrecy, it may warrant deeper introspection and conversation.
Key Principles
Trust but Verify: While trust is essential, it’s okay to seek clarity when something feels off.
Non-Confrontational Approach: Avoid making accusations or assumptions. Focus on fostering mutual understanding.
Focus on Solutions: Work together to create a relationship environment where both of you feel secure and valued.
This is a sensitive issue, but with open communication and a collaborative approach, you can work toward restoring peace of mind and a deeper connection in your marriage.

...Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |118 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hi expert I’m a 48-year-old man from Bangalore. I am watching your videos on instagram and need your advice. Recently, I joined Instagram in search of answers to some personal, painful questions that I’ve never had the courage to discuss with anyone before. I’ve been married since 2007, and we have a 15-year-old son. Despite being in a long-term marriage, I often feel uncertain about my relationship with my wife and my family. At times, I wonder if my wife—or anyone in my family—truly loves or even cares for me. This feeling of being emotionally disconnected has led me to occasionally think that I might be better off alone, or even running away from everything. One issue I struggle with is communication with my wife. Whenever I try to discuss personal or family matters with her, she gets upset, and her anger usually leads to silence between us until I apologize. It feels like I can’t express myself openly without the fear of making things worse. This dynamic has created a barrier, and I’ve found it difficult to have meaningful conversations or resolve issues. Another complication is the lack of harmony between my wife and my family. From the early days of our marriage, my family never really accepted her, and there has always been tension. They didn’t make an effort to treat her well, and over time, it became clear that they don’t get along. As a result, there’s a deep sense of isolation for her in my family, and that only adds to the strain in our relationship. At home, I also often feel like I fail to meet expectations. My wife gets angry when things aren’t done the way she wants them to be, and I sometimes find myself unsure of how to navigate these situations. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid conflict, but in doing so, I’m unsure whether I’m making the right choices or whether I’m neglecting my own needs in the process. I’m reaching out for advice because I’m at a point where I feel lost. I’m not sure how to repair the relationships in my life or how to stop feeling so isolated. Any guidance or perspective you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. I understand how overwhelming it can feel to navigate such complex emotions and relationships, especially when you feel uncertain about where to turn for guidance. Let’s take this step-by-step to explore ways to help you find clarity and strengthen your relationships.

1. Instagram as a Starting Point, Not the Solution
It’s important to acknowledge that while platforms like Instagram can offer inspiration and helpful insights, they’re not designed for addressing deeply personal issues. Content on social media is often generalized and may lack the depth, context, and nuance needed to resolve complex challenges. What you’re experiencing deserves more personalized attention and a safe, professional space where you can explore your thoughts, emotions, and relationship dynamics in depth. Seeking professional help—such as therapy or counseling—will allow you to find tailored solutions that fit your unique circumstances.

2. Understanding Emotional Disconnect
Feeling emotionally disconnected in your marriage and questioning whether your family loves or cares for you can be incredibly painful. These feelings might not reflect the absence of love but rather difficulties in how love and care are communicated within your relationships. Emotional disconnection often stems from patterns of interaction or unmet emotional needs, which can build over time. Recognizing this can help you shift your focus from self-doubt to exploring ways to improve connection and communication with your loved ones.

3. Improving Communication with Your Wife
A recurring theme in your situation is the challenge of communication with your wife. Here are a few strategies to address this:

Choose Neutral Moments: Initiate conversations at a time when both of you are calm and free from immediate stress. Avoid starting sensitive discussions during or right after a conflict.
Express Feelings, Not Faults: Frame your concerns using “I” statements to share your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You always get upset when I talk,” you could say, “I feel hesitant to share my thoughts because I worry about upsetting you.”
Listen Actively: Show her that her perspective matters by listening without interrupting. Reflect on what she says to ensure she feels heard.
Consider Structured Check-Ins: Set aside regular time (e.g., once a week) to discuss family matters or emotions. This can create a safe space for open dialogue without the pressure of immediate resolution.
4. Addressing Family Tensions
The tension between your wife and your family has likely added significant strain to your marriage. While this dynamic is challenging, there are steps you can take to navigate it:

Acknowledge Your Wife’s Experience: Validate her feelings about her struggles with your family. Let her know that you understand how difficult it’s been for her to feel isolated.
Set Boundaries with Your Family: It’s important to prioritize your marriage while still maintaining a respectful relationship with your family. This might involve gently but firmly communicating to your family that you expect them to treat your wife with respect, even if they don’t share a close bond.
Avoid Forcing Reconciliation: Instead of trying to make your wife and family “get along,” focus on small steps to reduce tension. Highlight shared interests or goals, but respect their individual boundaries.
5. Managing Expectations and Conflicts at Home
It’s clear that you feel under pressure to meet expectations and avoid conflict at home. To navigate this:

Clarify Expectations: Have an open conversation with your wife about her specific expectations and how you can meet them without compromising your own needs. Share your expectations as well, so you both have a clearer understanding of each other’s perspectives.
Practice Self-Care: Taking care of your mental and physical health is crucial. Whether through exercise, hobbies, or relaxation techniques, find activities that help you manage stress and maintain emotional balance.
Respond, Don’t React: When conflicts arise, take a moment to pause and reflect before responding. This can help you approach the situation with calmness and clarity.
6. Seeking Professional Help
Given the complexity of your situation, seeking professional guidance could be immensely beneficial. Options include:

Marriage Counseling: A therapist can provide a neutral space where both you and your wife can work through communication challenges and emotional disconnection. This can help you rebuild trust and strengthen your bond.
Individual Therapy: If you’re feeling isolated or questioning your self-worth, therapy can help you explore these feelings, gain clarity, and develop strategies for personal growth and resilience.
Family Counseling: If you want to address the broader family dynamics, family therapy can help facilitate understanding and harmony among all parties involved.
7. Reflecting on Your Needs
Finally, take time to reflect on your own emotional needs. What do you truly want from your relationships? What makes you feel valued and loved? Communicating these needs to your wife and family can help them understand how to support you better.

A Final Thought
You’ve taken a courageous first step by acknowledging your struggles and seeking advice. While the path ahead may feel uncertain, remember that meaningful change is possible with consistent effort, patience, and the right support. You don’t have to go through this alone, and seeking professional help can provide the tools you need to rebuild connection and find peace in your relationships.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |466 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 01, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hello Mam Age 42. Double divorcee. Recently I have been meeting my old college friend & we sort of know each other for the last 2 decades. At college we were more of acquaintances & post that we were connected through social media. We would sometimes connect but not on regular basis. She is also a divorcee. However in 2024 we have been meeting quite regularly. When we meet she is very nice & has been warm with me; we go out have fun. But there are things like she keeps hiding from me. She goes on overnight tours with her 'friends' ; she never introduces me to her friends ( I mean friends with whom she goes out). I told her that I am ok with your 'friends' but she sorts of backs away. Also then there have been some unexplained gaps (she turns cold all of a sudden) & then comes out very warm. All these days & I have developed strong feelings for her. Just wanted to get your perspective on what you think is her stance towards me.
Ans: It’s possible that her past experiences have made her cautious. After going through a divorce, people often carry emotional baggage or fears about vulnerability and trust. These feelings can make someone hesitant to fully open up or commit, even if they’re genuinely interested in the connection. Her keeping parts of her life private, like her outings with friends, might be her way of maintaining control and independence as she navigates her own emotions and what she wants for her future.

Another perspective to consider is that she may be uncertain about the nature of your relationship or how she feels about moving forward. The warm and cold behavior could be a reflection of her trying to figure out her own emotions. She might enjoy spending time with you but feel hesitant about diving deeper due to unresolved feelings from her past or uncertainties about what a long-term commitment would look like.

This inconsistency might also stem from her valuing her independence and wanting to keep certain aspects of her life separate until she feels more certain about how to integrate you into those spaces. For some, introducing a new partner to close friends or family is a significant step that they might delay until they feel fully ready.

It’s important for you to approach this situation with patience and open communication. Rather than focusing on her actions as signs of rejection or disinterest, try to have a heartfelt conversation about how you feel and what you’ve observed. Share your feelings honestly and express your desire to understand her better. Ask her about her thoughts and boundaries in a way that shows you’re genuinely interested in her perspective, not just seeking answers for your own clarity.

At the same time, reflect on your own needs and expectations. Consider whether you’re comfortable with the pace and level of openness in this relationship. It’s essential to strike a balance where both of you feel valued and respected without feeling pressured or overwhelmed.

Remember that relationships, especially those formed later in life, often take time to develop deeper trust and understanding. Her actions don’t necessarily mean she’s not interested; they might just reflect her personal journey and the pace at which she’s comfortable moving. With time, communication, and mutual understanding, you can work together to determine whether your connection has the potential to grow into something more fulfilling and stable.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |466 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 03, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Meri wife ka past me 7 saal ka relationship tha lekin wo log apne ghar pe baat nahi kar paye . Wo bolti hai ki usko kb ka bhul gai hai aur mere saath pyaar karti hai kya aisa ho sakta hai, 7 saal bahut badi baat hoti hai
Ans: Jo cheez aapko ab karni chahiye, wo hai apni wife ke saath ek imaandaar aur khuli baat. Aap apne dil ki baat unse bina kisi ilzaam ke share karein, jaise ki, "Mujhe kabhi-kabhi lagta hai ki tumhare purane rishton ka asar hamare present par pad raha hoga. Main tumse is baare mein baat karna chahta hoon taaki mujhe clarity mile aur humare beech aur zyada trust ho."

Unka jawab sunte waqt unhe judge na karein. Shayad unka past ek important hissa tha, lekin iska matlab yeh nahi ki wo apne present mein apko kam mahatvapurn samajhti hain. Kai baar log apne purane jazbat ko samay ke saath puri tarah process karke unhe peeche chhod dete hain, aur yeh natural hai.

Saath hi, khud par bhi dhyan deejiyega. Apne jazbat aur insecurities ko samajhne ki koshish karein. Kai baar humein jo chinta hoti hai wo doosre ke actions ke wajah se nahi, balki humare apne assumptions ke kaaran hoti hai. Aap apne mann ko itna shant rakhne ki koshish karein ki aap apne rishte ko vishwas aur pyar ke saath aage le jaa sakein.

Agar aapko lagta hai ki aap dono ke beech in baaton ko lekar clarity aur emotional connection ki zarurat hai, to ek counselor ya therapist ki madad lena ek accha option ho sakta hai. Yeh aap dono ke rishte ko aur mazboot karne mein madad karega aur past ke koi bhi unresolved jazbat ko resolve karne ka mauka dega.

Yaad rakhiye, ek strong relationship trust, communication aur shared commitment ke bina nahi banta. Agar aap dono sach mein ek-dusre se pyaar karte hain aur ek dusre ka respect karte hain, to har muskil ka hal mil jayega.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |466 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 04, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am in relationship with a girl since 9 years, Yes we have came through a lot of ups & downs in our relationship, constant fights on same things , what i have always observed is that she doesn’t respect my family as my family was not ready for this relationship as future(marriage), so lately i have convinced my family for it & even their family also ready now, I see my family are not happy with this marriage but they are doing for my happiness, since now they are ready, I see very less changes in my gf’s approach towards my family, most of the thing I listen from her mouth are Anti-Family things like separation or against my families thoughts. I am really worried of how my future after marriage considering her, She even asks me to get separated from family, if things doesn’t work between them. Please help me in this situation
Ans: Marriage is not just about love between two people—it’s about aligning values, fostering respect, and building a shared vision for the future. If your girlfriend continues to express "anti-family" sentiments or encourages separation as a solution, it’s worth exploring whether this stems from unresolved fears, insecurities, or deeper incompatibilities in how you both view family relationships. These issues won’t magically resolve after marriage; in fact, they often intensify when unaddressed.

The key here is open communication. Have an honest, non-confrontational conversation with her about your concerns. Share how much it means to you that she respects your family and how her current attitude makes you feel. Equally, try to understand her perspective without judgment. This discussion isn’t about assigning blame but about finding common ground and exploring whether you both can work through these differences.

At the same time, reflect deeply on your own expectations and boundaries. Consider what a happy and fulfilling marriage looks like for you. If respect for your family and shared values about how to navigate family relationships are non-negotiables for you, it’s essential to make that clear and see whether she is willing to meet you halfway.

If these issues feel too difficult to resolve alone, seeking pre-marital counseling or relationship therapy can provide a safe space to address them constructively. Sometimes, having a neutral third party facilitate these conversations can lead to breakthroughs that are hard to achieve on your own.

Remember, marriage is a lifelong commitment, and entering into it with unresolved doubts or concerns can lead to deeper struggles later on. Take the time to ensure that both of you are ready not just to marry but to build a life that respects and honors each other's values and families.

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