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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6625 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 11, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 26, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 30 year old , recently married. I live on rent in Kolkata with my wife.I am only earning member having yearly income of 25 lakhs. I want to buy one apartment and also want to invest money securely.In present I didn't invest anywhere and have 26 lakhs in saving account so please guide me accordingly.

Ans: You’ve done well saving Rs. 26 lakhs at age 30. A yearly income of Rs. 25 lakhs is commendable, especially as the sole earner. Living in Kolkata with your wife and planning to buy an apartment shows strong financial planning and responsibility.

Financial Goals and Prioritization
Identifying and prioritizing your financial goals is crucial. Buying an apartment and investing securely are your immediate goals. It’s important to balance these with other long-term goals like retirement planning, emergency funds, and insurance coverage.

Building an Emergency Fund
Start by setting up an emergency fund. This should cover 6-12 months of living expenses. It provides a financial cushion against unforeseen events like medical emergencies or job loss. Allocate a portion of your Rs. 26 lakhs savings into a liquid fund or a high-interest savings account for this purpose.

Insurance Needs
Ensuring adequate insurance is essential. As the sole earner, life and health insurance are crucial.

Life Insurance: Term insurance is recommended. It provides high coverage at low premiums, ensuring your family's financial security.

Health Insurance: A comprehensive health insurance policy covering yourself and your wife is necessary. It helps manage medical expenses without dipping into savings.

Investment Strategy
With Rs. 26 lakhs in your savings account and a steady income, diversifying your investments is key. Here’s a step-by-step approach:

Public Provident Fund (PPF)
PPF is a safe, long-term investment option. It offers tax benefits under Section 80C, and the interest earned is tax-free. Although it has a 15-year lock-in period, it’s a good option for risk-averse investors seeking steady returns.

Fixed Deposits (FDs)
FDs are low-risk investments that provide guaranteed returns. They are suitable for short-term goals and emergency funds. While the returns are lower than other investment options, the safety and liquidity they offer are beneficial.

Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are excellent for long-term wealth creation. They offer various categories based on risk and return profiles. Let’s explore different types:

Equity Mutual Funds: These invest in stocks and have the potential for high returns. They are suitable for long-term goals like retirement. Consider large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds based on your risk appetite. Large-cap funds are less risky, while small-cap funds offer higher returns with higher risks.

Debt Mutual Funds: These invest in fixed-income securities like bonds. They are less volatile compared to equity funds. Suitable for short to medium-term goals, debt funds provide stable returns with lower risk.

Hybrid Mutual Funds: These invest in a mix of equity and debt. They offer a balanced approach with moderate risk and returns. Ideal for medium-term goals, hybrid funds provide a diversified portfolio.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
SIPs allow you to invest a fixed amount regularly in mutual funds. They help in rupee cost averaging and compounding. Given your stable income, you can start SIPs in different mutual funds. This disciplined approach ensures consistent investing, reducing the impact of market volatility.

Avoiding Index Funds and Direct Funds
Index Funds: Index funds passively replicate market indices and offer lower returns compared to actively managed funds. Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market through research and analysis, providing better returns.

Direct Funds: Investing directly in funds without the guidance of a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a CFP credential can be risky. Regular funds through an MFD offer professional advice and better service, ensuring your investments align with your goals.

Power of Compounding
Compounding is the process where returns generate their own returns. The longer you stay invested, the more your money grows. For instance, investing Rs. 10,000 monthly for 20 years at an annual return of 12% can significantly increase your corpus. This emphasizes the importance of starting early and staying invested for the long term.

Planning for Home Purchase
Buying an apartment is a significant financial commitment. Here’s how you can plan for it:

Down Payment: Use a portion of your Rs. 26 lakhs savings for the down payment. Aim for at least 20% of the property value to reduce loan burden.

Home Loan: Research home loan options to find the best interest rates. Ensure the EMI is affordable, ideally not exceeding 30% of your monthly income. This ensures you have enough funds for other expenses and investments.

Loan Tenure: Choose a tenure that balances EMI affordability and total interest paid. Longer tenures mean lower EMIs but higher total interest. Shorter tenures mean higher EMIs but lower total interest.

Pre-Approval: Get a pre-approval for your home loan. It gives you a clear idea of your budget and speeds up the buying process.

Balancing Investments and Home Loan
While saving for your home, don’t neglect your investments. Here’s how you can balance both:

Allocate Savings: Split your Rs. 26 lakhs savings. Use a portion for the down payment and invest the rest in mutual funds, PPF, and FDs.

Continue SIPs: Even after taking a home loan, continue your SIPs. Allocate a portion of your monthly savings to SIPs for long-term wealth creation.

Extra Payments: Make occasional extra payments towards your home loan principal. It reduces your interest burden and shortens the loan tenure.

Retirement Planning
It’s never too early to plan for retirement. Here’s a strategy to ensure a comfortable retirement:

Determine Retirement Corpus: Estimate the amount you’ll need at retirement. Consider factors like inflation, lifestyle, and healthcare costs. A certified financial planner can help you with detailed projections.

Start Early: The earlier you start, the better. Compounding works wonders over time. Regularly investing in equity mutual funds through SIPs will help build a significant corpus.

Review and Adjust: Periodically review your retirement plan. Adjust based on changes in income, expenses, and market conditions. Stay flexible to ensure you’re on track.

Tax Planning
Effective tax planning helps in maximizing returns. Utilize available tax-saving instruments like PPF, EPF, ELSS mutual funds, and insurance premiums. Under Section 80C, you can claim up to Rs. 1.5 lakh deduction annually. ELSS mutual funds are particularly beneficial as they offer equity exposure with tax benefits.

Regular Monitoring and Review
Financial planning is not a one-time activity. Regularly monitor your investments and review your financial plan. Ensure it aligns with your changing goals and circumstances. Make adjustments as needed to stay on track.

Avoiding Common Investment Mistakes
Lack of Diversification: Don’t put all your money into one type of investment. Diversify across different asset classes to spread risk.

Ignoring Inflation: Consider inflation while planning. Ensure your investments grow faster than inflation to maintain purchasing power.

Emotional Decisions: Avoid making investment decisions based on emotions. Market fluctuations are normal. Stick to your plan and avoid panic selling.

Final Insights
Given your current financial position, you’re well-placed to achieve your goals. Start by setting up an emergency fund and ensuring adequate insurance coverage. Diversify your investments across PPF, FDs, and mutual funds. Use SIPs for disciplined investing and leverage the power of compounding. Balance your home purchase plans with ongoing investments. Regularly review and adjust your financial plan to stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6625 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 18, 2024Hindi
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Hi sir my age is 29 how to start in investment my one income 900 rupees I don't have any savings please help me how to savings stat and investment plans
Ans: It's great that you want to start investing and saving. With an income of ?900 per month, it can be challenging, but every small step counts. Let’s explore how you can begin saving and investing.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
First, understand your income and expenses. Track your monthly spending to identify areas where you can cut back. Even small savings can add up over time.

Setting Realistic Goals
Start with small, achievable goals. Aim to save a portion of your income each month. This helps build a habit of saving.

Creating a Budget
Track Income and Expenses

List all your monthly income and expenses.
Identify non-essential expenses you can reduce or eliminate.
Allocate Savings

Aim to save at least 10% of your income. With ?900, this means saving ?90 each month.
Emergency Fund

Build an emergency fund for unexpected expenses. Start small, aim for ?500 initially.
Saving Methods
Savings Account

Open a basic savings account. It’s safe and earns a small interest.
Recurring Deposit (RD)

Consider starting a recurring deposit with your bank. You can deposit a small fixed amount each month. It’s a disciplined way to save.
Basic Investment Options
Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)

Start a SIP with as little as ?500 per month. Mutual funds have options for low initial investments. SIPs help in disciplined investing and can offer good returns over time.
Public Provident Fund (PPF)

PPF is a safe and long-term investment option. You can start with small amounts and increase contributions as your income grows.
Government Schemes
Pradhan Mantri Jan Dhan Yojana (PMJDY)

Open a Jan Dhan account. It offers no minimum balance requirement and other benefits like insurance.
Atal Pension Yojana (APY)

A pension scheme for workers in the unorganised sector. You can contribute small amounts to secure your retirement.
Increasing Your Income
Skill Development

Invest in learning new skills to increase your earning potential. Look for free or low-cost courses online.
Part-Time Work

Consider part-time jobs or freelancing to supplement your income. This additional income can boost your savings and investment capacity.
Discipline and Patience
Consistency

Regular saving and investing, no matter how small, will yield results over time. Be consistent with your contributions.
Avoid Debt

Avoid unnecessary loans or credit. If you must borrow, ensure you can manage the repayments.
Reviewing and Adjusting
Regular Review

Review your budget and savings plan regularly. Adjust your savings and investment as your income grows.
Seek Advice

Consult a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice as your financial situation evolves.

Starting with a small income can be tough, but your determination to save and invest is commendable. Every rupee saved is a step towards financial security. Stay committed, and over time, you’ll see the benefits of your disciplined approach.

Conclusion
Beginning your investment journey at 29 with a limited income is challenging but possible. Start by creating a budget, saving consistently, and exploring safe investment options. Increase your income through skill development and part-time work. Regularly review your progress and adjust your plan as needed. Your commitment to saving and investing will pave the way for a secure financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6625 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 25, 2024

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Hi I am 33 years old female i currently not having any savings but i want to start i hva 60lcs worth house no emis no loans.. salary 91k per month.. expenses most of 25k - 30K per month. Let me know how i can i plan where to invest i have 2years old daughter i am looking to first buy a property in next 5 years and to save for my child education. Thanks kindly help me tostart my journey
Ans: Current Financial Snapshot
Age: 33 years
Salary: Rs. 91,000 per month
Expenses: Rs. 25,000 - 30,000 per month
Assets: Rs. 60 lakh house (no EMIs or loans)
Goals: Buy a property in 5 years, save for child's education
Dependents: 2-year-old daughter
Creating an Emergency Fund
Importance of an Emergency Fund
Security: Protects against unforeseen expenses
Peace of Mind: Ensures financial stability
Recommendation
Target Amount: 6 months of expenses, around Rs. 1.5 lakh
Investment Option: Liquid funds for easy access and better returns than savings accounts
Starting Systematic Investments
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Benefit: Rupee cost averaging and disciplined investing
Initial Amount: Start with Rs. 15,000 per month
Diversification
Equity Funds: High growth potential, long-term gains
Debt Funds: Stability, lower risk
Saving for Child's Education
Education Planning
Estimate Costs: Account for inflation in education expenses
Investment Options: Child-specific mutual funds and PPF
SIPs for Education
Dedicated SIP: Start a dedicated SIP of Rs. 10,000 per month for your child’s education
Equity Exposure: Focus on equity funds for long-term growth
Planning for Property Purchase
Property Investment
Timeline: Plan to buy property in the next 5 years
Down Payment: Save at least 20% of the property cost
Monthly Savings
Dedicated Savings: Save Rs. 20,000 per month for down payment
Investment Vehicle: Use recurring deposits or short-term debt funds for stability
Insurance Coverage
Life Insurance
Recommendation: Purchase a term insurance plan
Coverage: Sum assured should be at least 10 times your annual income
Health Insurance
Recommendation: Get a comprehensive health insurance policy
Coverage: Include family floater plan to cover your daughter as well
Retirement Planning
Long-Term Goal
Start Early: Begin investing for retirement now for compounding benefits
Investment Options: NPS and diversified equity funds
Monthly Contribution
Recommendation: Allocate Rs. 10,000 per month towards retirement
Additional Recommendations
Regular Reviews
Financial Check-Ups: Review your financial plan every 6 months
Adjustments: Make necessary adjustments based on changing circumstances
Professional Guidance
Certified Financial Planner: Consult a CFP for personalized advice
Regular Funds: Invest through a Mutual Fund Distributor with CFP credential for better support and guidance
Final Insights
Build an emergency fund first.
Start SIPs for disciplined investing.
Save specifically for child’s education.
Plan for property purchase within 5 years.
Ensure adequate insurance coverage.
Begin retirement planning early.
Regularly review and adjust your financial plan.
Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6625 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 14, 2024Hindi
Money
Sir, I am an employee of psu posted in Kolkata.My gross salary is around 75K/month.In hand is around 50K.I invest around 20K/mth through CPF+VPF & the balance is deducted as Income Tax,Union Fees etc.My age now is 34 . I want to buy a house/flat in Kolkata.I m going to get married next year.I want to build a corpus which can take care of my retirement & I can live a happy & peaceful life.Kindly advise..
Ans: Your desire to plan for a secure future is commendable. At the age of 34, you have ample time to build a robust financial foundation. Let’s explore strategies to help you achieve your goals of purchasing a home, planning for your marriage, and securing your retirement.

Assessing Your Current Financial Situation
Current Income: You earn a gross salary of Rs. 75,000 per month, with Rs. 50,000 in hand after deductions.

Current Investments: You are investing Rs. 20,000 per month in CPF and VPF. This is a good start toward retirement savings.

Tax Deductions: Income tax, union fees, and other deductions reduce your take-home salary. It’s essential to factor these in when planning your finances.

Prioritising Your Financial Goals
1. Buying a House/Flat in Kolkata
Budgeting for the Purchase: Determine the budget for your house or flat purchase. Consider the current real estate prices in Kolkata, your down payment capacity, and the loan amount you might require.

Home Loan Considerations: Evaluate the home loan options available. Aim to secure a loan with the lowest possible interest rate. Ensure that the EMI (Equated Monthly Installment) is affordable and does not exceed 40-50% of your monthly income.

Down Payment Savings: Start saving aggressively for the down payment. This will reduce the loan amount required and lower your EMIs.

Diversified Savings: While CPF and VPF are great for long-term savings, consider setting aside a separate corpus for your down payment. You can invest in short-term debt funds or recurring deposits for this purpose.

2. Planning for Marriage Expenses
Estimate Marriage Costs: Estimate the costs related to your marriage, including ceremonies, gifts, and honeymoon expenses.

Dedicated Savings for Marriage: Create a separate savings plan for your marriage. You can use a combination of liquid funds and short-term fixed deposits. This will ensure liquidity and safety of your funds.

3. Building a Retirement Corpus
Increase SIP Contributions: While CPF and VPF are stable, consider increasing your contributions to mutual fund SIPs. A diversified portfolio of actively managed funds can provide higher returns, essential for building a substantial retirement corpus.

Equity Investment for Long-Term Growth: Equity funds offer higher growth potential over the long term. They help in beating inflation, which is crucial for maintaining purchasing power during retirement.

Avoid Index Funds: Index funds merely track market indices and lack flexibility. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, allow fund managers to make informed decisions, potentially offering better returns.

Consider Regular Funds: Direct funds may seem attractive due to lower expenses, but regular funds offer the advantage of professional guidance. Investing through a Certified Financial Planner ensures that your investments are aligned with your financial goals.

Managing Expenses and Loans
1. Optimising Monthly Expenses
Budgeting: Create a monthly budget to track your income and expenses. Identify areas where you can reduce unnecessary spending.

Emergency Fund: Establish an emergency fund to cover 6-12 months of living expenses. This fund will protect you from unforeseen financial setbacks without disrupting your long-term goals.

2. Planning for a Home Loan
Loan Tenure and EMI: Choose a loan tenure that balances your EMI and the total interest paid over the loan period. A shorter tenure results in higher EMIs but saves on interest. A longer tenure reduces EMIs but increases interest costs.

Interest Rate Consideration: Opt for a loan with a fixed or reducing interest rate, whichever aligns with your risk tolerance and financial plan.

Investing for a Peaceful Retirement
1. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) for Post-Retirement Income
Steady Income Source: An SWP from mutual funds can provide a steady post-retirement income. It allows you to withdraw a fixed amount regularly while keeping your corpus invested.

Tax Efficiency: SWP is tax-efficient, especially if you invest in equity mutual funds. The capital gains tax on equity is relatively lower, which benefits your post-retirement income.

2. Balancing Risk and Return
Diversification: Ensure that your investments are diversified across different asset classes. This reduces risk and enhances the potential for returns.

Regular Review: Periodically review your investment portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your risk profile and financial goals.

Avoid Annuities: While annuities provide a guaranteed income, they often come with lower returns and inflexibility. Mutual funds and SWPs offer better growth potential and flexibility.

Final Insights
Sir, you have laid a strong foundation for your financial future by starting early. Focus on balancing your short-term goals like purchasing a home and planning for marriage with your long-term retirement objectives. Increase your SIP contributions to benefit from the power of compounding over time. Carefully plan your home loan to ensure it fits within your budget without compromising your retirement savings.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |360 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

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Relationship
Hi, I am not yet mairred. I used to like a man and after a month we decided to get married. He was of my caste so I thought my parents won't deny this mairrage. I used to talk to and wanted to let him know everything about my past so that we can built a strong root of our relationship. I spoke every detail of my past life to him. Then before he proposed me for mairrage I went for a vacation with my male friend to dehradun. I didn't tell him that day as he didn't proposed me till that day then why would I tell everything about me to anyone. He was noone to me at that time. After that he came to visit me in Delhi and on the same when he was on train a friend of mine along with his fiance came to meet me after a very long time. I asked him and he didn't denied. After returning home he blocked me. I cried and cried, called multiple times but he didn't received my call. Even I went to his location and waited for almost 3 hr but he didn't came. Then I asked my sister to call him. Then he talked to me but he said me so much of harsh and vulgar words that I went in shock. I cried a lot but he went on humiliating me. But somehow I convinced him to stay with me. I never talked to that friend ever. Then I told my parents about him that I want to get married with this men. Being a girl's father my father enquired about him by being annonymous. And trust me noone has said anything good about him. Later on we get to know that his father has a murder case on him of his brother in law. But then I wanted to get married. Finally my parents agreed only for my happines. Meanwhile I was never being respected by him. He always doubt me, humiliate me, abuse me mentally and physically, and when I was like I don't want to be with you he used to say sorry and begged me to be with him. He even used to restrict to visit my uncle aunty. His mother wants used to defend him and never used to make him realise that he was wrong. Then before engagement we went to Kolkata to buy dress. Yes one more thing I have informed him on the very first day that I used to drink and smoke occassionally. So whenever he used to visit me he always wanted to drink with me whether I want it or not. He always used to abuse me and humiliate me in front of everyone after drinking, so after a period of time I used to avoid drinking. Then he used to fight with me for that also that why will you not drink. In kolkata the same thing happen. We stayed there for 3 days and he was convincing to go to club from the very first day but I refused. On 3rd he hit me. After engagement his family asked for dowry. After a lot of dealing my parents agreed for an amount. But I felt betrayed. I stopped talking. After after when I initiated the conversation he picked up a fight and said he won't marry. I tried to convince. But when everyone was blaming me then I broke my silence and said everything about him to my parent. But he manipulated everything and made me villain. My parents want me to get married What should I do
Ans: Dear Akriti,
After reading your question I can only give you one advice, please do not marry him no matter what people say. Even if we overlook every other red flag that he has exhibited, abuse of any form is unacceptable. Why are you trying to convince your parents to marry a guy who hits you? Do you think you deserve it or anyone, for that matter, deserves that?

Now, no matter who tries to manipulate you, or however much they try to convince you, get out of the relationship for the love and self-respect you have for yourself. It is a big decision but in your case, it is worth making that big decision. I'd normally never tell people they should this or they shouldn't do that, but in your case, no sane person would ever suggest you marry this man and be subjected to abuse for the rest of your life.
Please make the right choice.

Best Wishes

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |360 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am dating a person for 5years when we are doing internship. He is always there whenever I need any support and help in my bad time. He will protect me and loves me a lot. It is my first dating experience initially when we start dating we have intense attachment but I thought we would not be remain together for much longer time. I was always interested in good looking handsome man he is not that fair and handsome. Also he is from different caste and region(he is Bihari and I am from Uttarakhand) and in his family he has mom and sister(they are finding a match for her).I don’t know if I should marry him or not. Because I am not comfortable with his family(his mother is somewhat very concerned about his son not captured by any girl). So I think it will be a struggle for him to convince her. But my question is it is worth to go for love marriage if the boy loves you a lot but still I think there is gap with the criteria of being handsome which I dream as a young girl story even our bonds are getting stronger Please suggest what to do.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Appearance does not last a lifetime. Are you sure it is that important for you? After all, you fell in love with a man whose appearance isn't his best quality. Makes me wonder if you are just giving into the societal construct of wanting to marry for good looks.

Next, if you are concerned about your future in his house, it is best not to rush anything in terms of getting married. Think about it; have a clear discussion with him about the kind of future he can offer you. Love isn't the only thread that holds onto a relationship.

I cannot tell you if you should pursue this relationship, but I can tell you that you shouldn't break up with someone because they are not fair or handsome by your standards.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |360 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, I’m a 26 yr old woman, was in a relationship with my classmate from school a year ago. We dated for a few months and then talked to my parents about us as they had started looking for matches for me in arranged marriage . Once I told them about us they got very emotional and didn’t agree for our marriage as we are from different caste. So we decided to breakup and just stay as friends but we are not able to move on from each other ..it’s been 6 months now, my parents have started looking for alliances for me again now but I’m not getting any interest in these because I’m not able to forget him. But I’m also scared to take a strong decision to hurt my parents and get married to him because I’m a very sensitive person and sometimes he behaves manipulative with some people and I’m scared he’ll do that with me also if any fights happen with him or his family. But I’m not able to forget him. Please tell me what to do as I have lost peace and crying every night.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Sounds like you are torn between your feelings for him and love and respect for your parents. Firstly, acknowledge that you are allowed to feel confused. Next, understand that you deserve a relationship where you feel happy and safe. Will this relationship give you that? Take some time to evaluate whether staying with him will align with your goal of long-term happiness. You have mentioned manipulation; consider that too when gauging the potential of this relationship.

Coming to your parents, you can try gently communicating your unwillingness to get married to someone else right now. That does not automatically translate to your desire to marry this guy. It can also mean that you need some time to figure things out. Ultimately, you need to make a decision that makes you happy- whether it means working things out with him or taking a separate path. I am sure you will make the right choice.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1201 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Mam i am a 52 year ols women i have never had a secure relationship only who wanted to have s.Marriage in proposals too dint work for me. At late 40 age i met a guy it was all good till start 1 year but since 3 years we just fight my fault to as i have no family no friends and all i have to look after 2 aged parents and i am deep involved my life is just that. This relationship is good to talk on phone as all i do is talk my problems 24 by 7 365 days which i understands upsets him. But i see no effort too from him for meeting planning dates and if i do i pay for it all he never pays . I lost interest felt disappointed after going on saying he never tries to make plans talk future his family finance. I am not sure what i should do stay or live my life alone which i was always doing.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Start fresh and if you had a clean slate, what would you want to draw on it?
All your miseries or what you actually want from life?
When you meet someone new and you dump your set of issues on them, how exactly do you think they are going to be interested in taking you out on a date?
Your prospective life partner is not a dumping yard for your life's problems BUT a person that is going to marry you and support you and who you can trust. And will you start this relationship by actually talking only about your problems? Honestly, you need to ask yourself if you will be interested in a guy who keeps ranting about all things going wrong...
Establish a connection by being on a positive ground and showing the other person that you care and also are interested in knowing about them. This interest will let them lower their guard down and actually connect with you at an emotional level and then you can pursue this as a potential life partner association...somewhere down the line, they will be genuinely interested in being a part of your challenges and that's when you make them your strength to solve these challenges. Am I making sense to you?
Do you see how you have been sabotaging your own future? Dust yourself, become genuinely interested in people not to dump your problems on them but to make a genuine connection and watch how things change for you. Prioritize your life not your problems!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1201 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Relationship
Hi, I am a 36yo guy. Married and have 2 beautiful kids. I am a naturally happy person in life and have achieved reasonable success through my hard work. From last 3 years i am in love with a married girl who works at an office near my workplace. We two believe that we are best suited for each other in every aspect i.e. mental, emotional and physical. We share a great chemistry that we never felt with our respective spouses. We decided that we both cant leave our spouses because of our kids. But very often she keeps on getting crazy and tortures and taunts me that i love my wife more and doesnt give value to her. She is mostly unhappy about this in her life and many times abuses me when she sees that i am a naturally happy and content person. I have even told her that if she wants we can take divorce from our spouses and move-in together. But she never accepts that also and keeps on making my life hard. But i do believe that we both love each other like crazy and my sexual life with her is just out of this world. I have a very high libido and she satisfies me like no other girl. My question is how can i make her sane and make her trust me that i am more inclined towards her?
Ans: Dear Avinash,
I am sure by now you realize that having parallel lives is not easy. Maybe you are at that stage where a decision must be made...
You owe at least that much to your respective spouses who have nothing to do this life of yours...

The lady in question wants the cake and wants to eat it too...obviously she needs to see that if she wants her marriage, then you are going to keep your marriage as well and with that all the insecurities that arise must also be accepted as this is something that the two of you got into willingly...did she not know that a relationship outside of marriage comes with its set of challenges like insecurities, doubts, fears, instability and more? I guess it's not about you making her sane and trust you BUT for the two fo you to come to some sort of a decision on where all this is leading?

Again, I say this...leading two lives in parallel ain't easy; especially on an emotional level!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1201 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Oct 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 01, 2024
Relationship
Hi Anu, I have been reading since long the advices you give to others expecting that there can be an identical issue which i am suffering, i am 48yrs and my wife 42yrs married for 22yrs & having grown up children, over period of time my wife has become more dominating expecting me to listen and follow everything what she says, everything was going fine for until last six years when she was following me as a dutiful wife, since last 6-7yrs she is disinterested in sex also, i sit and speak with her trying to address all the issues, but things get back to ZERO within days, she has turned very short tempered and egoistic, shouting and using foul language in rage at times, we both are highly educated and give lectures at college with limited reasonable income, the problem is she compares her life to others and disturbs our life, ours is a marriage against parents so both the side relatives are little indifferent and we are not extroverts or that persons who are outgoing to change all that, we just lead our life within ourselves and try to help the relatives whenever they come to us. My question is that is it not cruel for a wife to deprive the husband of sex and develop unreasonable expectations comparing the lifestyles of others. when at peace my wife suggests that i can look outside for sex and she is ok with it but i don't believe in it and in her words, at times in rage she keeps asking for divorce uttering foul language, i keep reminding her that emotions, anger and rage shall only aggravate the issues we should know what we actually want and seek it speaking to each other, i feel that my wife doesn't know what she wants from herself or from me or from life, Anu, Is this all that pre-menopause frustrations which is building up or is it some mental issues which are surfacing due to negligence from me or our relatives? Please suggest? Thank you
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Let's understand it in 3 ways..

1) Whether your wife is in pre-menopause or perimenopause or menopause stage can be determined only by a doctor. A lot of material floats on the internet convincing people of one over the other BUT it's important to get it validated by a doctor that will help your wife understand what is going on with her body and how it impacts her mind...

2) It is also possible that the current sex routine maybe boring to her and infusing it with some spice can get things going? So, think out of the box here...

3) Also, you might want to think if the emotional bond between the two of you has broken down; women respond to sex easier when they feel emotionally connected and safe with their man...

What will be useful in your situation is: to reconnect with her and aim to connect with her emotionally. This will help her in conveying to you what might be the problem and then it gets easier to solve it or take necessary steps...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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