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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 04, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
hetal Question by hetal on Jun 04, 2024Hindi
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I m 31 year old and i m investing in sip of 10000 in groww app Nippon india large cap fund 3000, large cap Icici prudential bluechip fund 3000, large cap Sbi magnum mid cap direct fund 2000, mid cap Qunt small cap fund,,1000, small cap and Parag parikh flexi cap fund 1000 So my goal is 1 cr after 15 year. So my fund selection is correct or not pls suggest me. I m just start sip on 3 of june 2024.

Ans: Evaluating Your SIP Portfolio
Commendations on embarking on your SIP journey, a wise move towards securing your financial future. Let's delve deeper into your fund selection and assess its alignment with your goal of accumulating Rs 1 crore in 15 years.

Assessing Fund Selection
Your portfolio encompasses a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds, each carrying distinct risk and return profiles.

Large-cap Funds
Investments in large-cap funds offer stability and lower volatility, typically in established companies with robust fundamentals.

Mid-cap and Small-cap Funds
Mid-cap and small-cap funds present higher growth potential but come with increased volatility, investing in smaller companies with prospects for rapid expansion.

Evaluating Growth Potential
Your inclination towards mid-cap and small-cap funds suggests a quest for higher growth potential. However, it's vital to weigh the associated risks.

Analyzing Fund Selection
Nippon India Large Cap Fund, ICICI Prudential Bluechip Fund, and SBI Magnum Mid Cap Direct Fund are reputable choices with established track records. Regular monitoring of their performance is essential.

SIP Amount Allocation
Allocating Rs 3,000 each to large-cap funds and Rs 2,000 to a mid-cap fund exhibits a balanced approach. Yet, investing only Rs 1,000 in a small-cap fund may limit its impact on your portfolio's growth potential.

Rebalancing Strategy
Regularly review your portfolio and rebalance if needed to ensure alignment with your risk tolerance and financial objectives.

Market Conditions
Stay abreast of market conditions, as they significantly influence fund performance. Knowledge of economic trends facilitates informed decision-making.

Importance of Patience
Investing is a long-term endeavor; exercising patience and avoiding impulsive decisions amidst short-term market fluctuations is prudent.

Professional Guidance
Consider seeking advice from a certified financial planner to optimize your investment strategy. They offer personalized recommendations tailored to your risk profile and financial goals.

Avoiding Direct Funds
Direct funds may seem appealing but demand active management and market expertise. Regular funds through an MFD with CFP credential ensure professional management and guidance, optimizing fund performance.

Conclusion
Your SIP portfolio displays promise, with a diversified allocation across market segments. Regular monitoring and professional guidance are imperative for achieving your goal of accumulating Rs 1 crore in 15 years.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 07, 2024

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I am 27 year old and doing sip for long term, I have sip of total rs 1000 in axis small cap fund (350) , axis nifty midcap 50 (250) , hdfc large and mid cap fund (200) , hdfc flexi cap fund (200). Is my selection of fund and allocation good?
Ans: It's great to see that you're investing in SIPs at a young age for the long term. Your selection of funds and allocation reflects a diversified approach, which is essential for long-term wealth accumulation. Let's evaluate your fund selection and allocation:
1. Axis Small Cap Fund: Small-cap funds have the potential for high growth but also come with higher risk due to the volatility of small-cap stocks. Investing in a small-cap fund like Axis Small Cap Fund can add diversification to your portfolio and provide exposure to promising small-cap companies. However, it's important to be prepared for potential fluctuations in returns.
2. Axis Nifty Midcap 50 Fund: Mid-cap funds like Axis Nifty Midcap 50 Fund invest in mid-sized companies with the potential for growth. Mid-cap stocks can offer attractive returns over the long term but may also be more volatile than large-cap stocks. Your allocation to this fund adds diversification and the potential for higher returns to your portfolio.
3. HDFC Large and Mid Cap Fund: Large & Mid Cap funds invest in a mix of large-cap and mid-cap stocks, offering a balance between stability and growth potential. HDFC Large and Mid Cap Fund is managed by a reputable fund house and can provide exposure to quality companies across market segments. It's a suitable choice for investors seeking diversification and moderate risk.
4. HDFC Flexi Cap Fund: Flexi-cap funds offer flexibility to invest across market capitalizations based on market conditions. HDFC Flexi Cap Fund allows the fund manager to adjust the portfolio composition dynamically, which can potentially enhance returns over the long term. Your allocation to this fund provides additional diversification and flexibility to your portfolio.
Overall, your selection of funds and allocation reflects a well-diversified approach, with exposure to small-cap, mid-cap, and large-cap segments of the market. It's important to stay committed to your investment plan, continue investing regularly, and review your portfolio periodically to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and risk tolerance.
As your financial situation evolves and your investment horizon changes, consider revisiting your asset allocation and making adjustments as needed. Additionally, consult with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) or financial advisor to receive personalized guidance and ensure your investment strategy remains on track to achieve your long-term objectives.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 14, 2024Hindi
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Money
I am 27 year old and doing sip for long term, I have sip of total rs 1000 in axis small cap fund (350) , axis nifty midcap 50 (250) , hdfc large and mid cap fund (200) , hdfc flexi cap fund (200). Is my selection of fund and allocation good?
Ans: The allocation across funds seems fairly balanced, with a slight bias towards small and mid-caps (55%) compared to large and mid-caps (45%). This is reasonable for a young investor with a long-term horizon who can tolerate higher volatility associated with small and mid-cap stocks.
Here are some additional points to consider:

Review Your Risk Tolerance: While your current allocation seems balanced, revisit your risk tolerance periodically. As you get closer to your financial goals, you might want to gradually shift towards a more conservative allocation with a higher weightage in large-cap funds.
Long-Term SIP: Since you're young and have a long investment horizon (presumably 10+ years), continuing your SIP will benefit from rupee-cost averaging, where you purchase units at different price points, potentially averaging out the cost per unit over time.
Monitor Performance: Regularly monitor your SIP performance and the performance of the chosen funds. While past performance isn't a guarantee of future results, consistent underperformance of a particular fund compared to its benchmark might warrant a review or replacement.
Consider a Goal-Based Approach: While diversification is important, you can further optimize your portfolio by aligning your SIP investments with specific financial goals. For example, a more aggressive fund allocation might be suitable for a long-term goal like retirement, while a more conservative allocation might be preferable for a shorter-term goal like a down payment on a house.
Overall, your SIP strategy with the chosen funds and allocation seems like a good starting point for your long-term investment goals. Remember, stay disciplined with your SIP contributions, monitor your portfolio performance, and adapt your allocation as your risk tolerance and financial goals evolve.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 06, 2024

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Sir/Madam, I am 27 years, 6 months ago I started doing sip of 10k total, five mutual funds 2k each, 1. Quant small cap 2. Parag parikh flexi cap 3. Kotak equity opportunities 4. Parag parikh elss tax saver 5. HDFC dividend yield I know I started a bit late, but now I am full stable and disciplined to be consistent and increase the sip amount by time to time. Am I going right, are my chosen funds are good, or I should change, please help and guide, give corrective suggestions
Ans: It's fantastic to see your proactive approach to investing at such a young age. Let's delve into your portfolio and see how you're doing:

• Starting a SIP at 27 is a commendable step towards building wealth for your future. Remember, it's never too late to begin investing, and your consistency will be key to your success.

• Your choice of mutual funds reflects a diversified approach, covering different sectors and market capitalizations. This is a smart strategy as it spreads your risk across various segments of the market.

• Investing in small-cap, flexi-cap, equity opportunities, ELSS tax saver, and dividend yield funds provides you with exposure to different investment styles and strategies. However, it's essential to review these funds periodically to ensure they continue to align with your financial goals.

• Consider assessing the performance of each fund against its benchmark and peers to gauge whether they are meeting your expectations. Look for consistency in returns and fund management expertise.

• As you progress in your investment journey and your financial situation evolves, you may consider increasing your SIP amount gradually. This will accelerate the growth of your portfolio over time.

• Additionally, stay updated with market trends and changes in economic conditions to make informed decisions about your investments. Keeping yourself informed will help you navigate any market volatility effectively.

• If you're unsure about whether your chosen funds are the right fit for you, don't hesitate to seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner. They can provide personalized recommendations based on your financial goals, risk tolerance, and investment horizon.

In conclusion, you're off to a great start with your SIP investments. Stay disciplined, continue to educate yourself about investing, and periodically review your portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your objectives. With patience and perseverance, you're on track to build a strong financial foundation for the future. Keep up the excellent work!

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 14, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 14, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 37 years old and a govt servant.i just recently started sip in four funds 1.Mirae asset large and midcap fund direct growth. _1k 2.quant large and mid cap fund direct growth_1k 3.kotak equity opportunities fund direct growth_1k 4.icici prudential retirement fund pure equity plan direct growth -5k Is it good for a term like 10 years?and if i want to invest 5k more then where should i invest for a term of 15 to 20 years.please advice .thank you
Ans: As a government servant at 37, planning for the future is crucial. Starting SIPs in mutual funds is a wise step, but evaluating and refining your strategy can optimize your returns. This analysis will guide you through your current investments and suggest additional avenues for a long-term horizon.

Current SIP Analysis

You've begun SIPs in four mutual funds with a 10-year perspective:

Mirae Asset Large and Midcap Fund
Quant Large and Midcap Fund
Kotak Equity Opportunities Fund
ICICI Prudential Retirement Fund Pure Equity Plan
Your current allocation in these funds is commendable. Let's evaluate the benefits and potential improvements.

1. Mirae Asset Large and Midcap Fund

This fund invests in both large and midcap stocks. It offers growth potential from midcaps and stability from large caps. This balanced approach can yield good returns over the long term.

2. Quant Large and Midcap Fund

Similar to the Mirae Asset Fund, this fund also diversifies between large and midcap stocks. Diversification is a key strategy to mitigate risk while aiming for growth.

3. Kotak Equity Opportunities Fund

This fund focuses on equity opportunities across market caps. It's known for good management and consistent performance. It adds diversity to your portfolio.

4. ICICI Prudential Retirement Fund Pure Equity Plan

This fund is designed for long-term goals like retirement. It invests primarily in equities, which can offer higher returns over an extended period.

Your portfolio currently has a good mix of large-cap stability and mid-cap growth potential. However, since you're considering a long-term investment horizon of 15-20 years, let's explore where you can invest an additional Rs 5,000 per month.

Evaluating Direct Funds vs Regular Funds

You've invested in direct plans, which typically have lower expense ratios. However, regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) have their advantages. A CFP provides personalized advice, timely reviews, and adjustments to your portfolio. These services can potentially enhance your investment performance, justifying the slightly higher expense ratios.

Long-term Investment Strategy

For a long-term investment horizon of 15-20 years, consider the following factors:

Diversification: Spread investments across different asset classes and sectors.
Risk Tolerance: Understand your risk appetite and invest accordingly.
Consistent Review: Regularly review and adjust your portfolio based on market conditions and personal goals.
Recommended Investment Avenues

To invest an additional Rs 5,000 per month, here are some funds and strategies to consider:

1. Flexi Cap Funds

Flexi cap funds invest in stocks across market capitalizations. They offer flexibility to shift investments between large, mid, and small caps based on market conditions. This dynamic allocation can capture opportunities across the spectrum and provide robust returns over the long term.

2. Mid Cap Funds

Mid cap funds focus on medium-sized companies with high growth potential. These companies often grow faster than large caps and can offer higher returns. However, they come with higher risk, suitable for a long-term horizon.

3. Sectoral or Thematic Funds

These funds invest in specific sectors like technology, healthcare, or financial services. Investing in a growing sector can yield substantial returns. However, they are riskier and require careful selection and timing. For example, the healthcare sector in India is poised for significant growth due to increasing health awareness and spending.

4. International Funds

Investing in international funds provides exposure to global markets. This diversification can reduce risk associated with the Indian market. It also allows you to capitalize on the growth of developed economies and emerging markets. For instance, a fund investing in US technology stocks can offer high growth potential.

5. Balanced or Hybrid Funds

Balanced funds invest in both equity and debt instruments. They provide growth potential with equity and stability with debt. This mix can be suitable for moderate risk tolerance and long-term investment. These funds can provide a cushion during market volatility, ensuring smoother returns.

6. Multi-Asset Funds

Multi-asset funds diversify across various asset classes, including equity, debt, and gold. This diversification reduces risk and can provide steady returns. Investing in multiple assets helps in balancing the portfolio against market fluctuations.

The Benefits of Actively Managed Funds

While index funds passively track market indices, actively managed funds have fund managers making strategic decisions. Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market, providing higher returns. They adjust portfolios based on market trends, economic conditions, and company performance. This active management justifies the slightly higher expense ratios, as it can potentially lead to better returns than passive funds.

Implementing the Strategy

Based on the analysis, here's a suggested allocation for your additional Rs 5,000 investment:

Flexi Cap Fund: Rs 1,500
Mid Cap Fund: Rs 1,000
Sectoral/Thematic Fund: Rs 1,000
International Fund: Rs 1,000
Multi-Asset Fund: Rs 500
This allocation provides a balanced mix of growth potential and risk mitigation.

Regular Review and Adjustment

Investing is not a one-time activity. Regularly review your portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals. A Certified Financial Planner can assist in this process, providing insights and adjustments based on market trends and your evolving financial situation.

Final Insights

Investing for the long term requires a strategic approach. Your current SIPs are a good start, and with the additional Rs 5,000 investment, you can further strengthen your portfolio. Diversification across different asset classes and sectors is key to maximizing returns and minimizing risk.

Consider the benefits of regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner. While they have higher expense ratios, the personalized advice and active management can enhance your investment performance.

Focus on a balanced mix of flexi cap, mid cap, sectoral/thematic, international, and multi-asset funds. This diversified approach can capture growth opportunities across markets and sectors, ensuring a robust and resilient portfolio.

Regularly review your investments, adjust based on performance and market conditions, and stay committed to your long-term goals. With careful planning and strategic investments, you can build a substantial corpus for your future needs.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
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Money
I am 66 years old and retired and have one daughter married and well settled and has 2 children aged 5 years son and 3 years daughter. I have no liabilities and have a family income of Rs.3 lakhs per month thru rental. My monthly expenses is Rs 50 K per month and annual payments of medical, vehicle and property tax is Rs.3.25 Lakhs. I have direct equity invested around 1.2 CR and Invested in PMS now valued at Rs.85 Lakhs. I have plot valued at 1.6 CR and 2 independent house valued at 3cr. I have a commercial property which gives me above rental is valued at Rs.5 CR. Now kindly advise me how i should investment my earnings which will help my daughter and 2 grand children for for their future education. My above income is after paying the taxes to the government. I lead a simple life and travel every year 2 times.
Ans: Your financial position is strong with no liabilities.

Monthly rental income of Rs. 3 lakhs covers your expenses and lifestyle.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 and annual expenses of Rs. 3.25 lakhs leave ample surplus.

You have diversified assets, including equity (Rs. 1.2 crore), PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs), real estate (Rs. 9.6 crore), and regular rental income.

You lead a simple life, which allows significant potential for wealth accumulation and legacy planning.

Investment Goals
Your primary focus is to:

Ensure financial security for your family.

Support your daughter and grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Maintain sufficient liquidity for personal travel and unexpected medical costs.

Recommendations for Asset Allocation
1. Equity Investments
Your current direct equity portfolio (Rs. 1.2 crore) and PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs) are commendable.

Direct equity requires active tracking and expertise.

Shift part of your direct equity to regular mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular funds offer professional management and long-term growth.

Retain PMS if it meets your return expectations and aligns with your risk appetite.

2. Emergency Fund
Allocate 6–12 months of expenses to liquid funds.

This ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses or emergencies.

Investments for Daughter and Grandchildren
1. Education Fund for Grandchildren
Start investing in child-focused mutual funds for their education.

Choose regular funds through an experienced Certified Financial Planner.

These funds offer professional management and goal-based growth.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity funds can help accumulate the required corpus.

2. Legacy Fund
Invest in diversified mutual funds for wealth creation.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.

This portfolio can grow steadily while preserving wealth.

Real Estate Diversification
Avoid further investments in real estate.

Real estate is illiquid and challenging to manage during retirement.

Liquidate one property if diversification is needed.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds or bonds.

Fixed Income Options
Consider investing in corporate bonds or debentures for steady income.

Choose bonds rated “AAA” for safety.

Avoid annuities as they provide low returns and limited flexibility.

Tax-Efficient Planning
Review tax-saving strategies with a Certified Financial Planner.

Equity investments (LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%) are tax-efficient.

Ensure proper tax documentation for real estate and rental income.

Track PMS returns and tax implications yearly.

Liquidity and Annual Expenses
Set aside Rs. 25–30 lakhs in a liquid fund.

This covers your annual travel, property taxes, and medical expenses.

Keep medical insurance for yourself and your family updated.

Succession and Estate Planning
Create a will to ensure smooth asset transfer.

Include clear instructions for property distribution.

Discuss creating a trust for your grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Travel and Lifestyle Funding
Use rental income surplus to fund annual travel.

Avoid withdrawing from long-term investments for discretionary expenses.

Final Insights
You have built a strong financial foundation.

Focus on simplifying investments for better management.

Diversify and invest in professionally managed mutual funds.

Plan for family needs with a balanced approach to risk and growth.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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