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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 06, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 10, 2024Hindi
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I invested in Max Life Monthly Income Advantage Plan year 50k since 2016 . Its good invest or not . Another is ICICI Pru Signature year 1.5 lk im not sure amount the returns any suggestions .

Ans: I'm happy to chat about your investments. It sounds like you've been proactive by putting money away for the future – that's great!

Let's talk about these plans you mentioned. These types of insurance-cum-investment products can be a bit tricky. While they offer a mix of insurance and investment, they might not always be the most suitable option for everyone.

Here's why:

Focus Split: These products try to do two things at once – provide insurance coverage and grow your money. This can sometimes mean they might not excel in either area.
Potential Lower Returns: The insurance component often comes with fees that can eat into your investment returns compared to pure investment options.
Instead, let's consider a different approach that might better suit your needs. Here's a possible strategy:

Term Insurance: This provides pure life insurance coverage at a lower cost. Think of it as a safety net for your loved ones in case of an unfortunate event.
Mutual Funds: These are investment vehicles that allow you to pool your money with others and invest in a variety of stocks or bonds. They offer the potential for higher returns compared to insurance-linked products.
This way, you get the security of life insurance and the potential for growth through mutual funds. It's like having a well-diversified team working for your financial goals!

Look, understanding financial products can be complex, and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. If you'd like to explore this further, I recommend chatting with a CFP. They can give you personalized advice based on your specific situation and financial goals. Don't worry, CFPs are there to guide you, not pressure you – they're on your team!

In the meantime, keep up the good work with saving and investing. It's a marathon, not a sprint, but with the right approach, you can reach your financial finish line!
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 23, 2024

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Sir . I m Retired person ,I wanted to Invest 60 L in monthly income plan Rs 70000/ Apporx Pl suggest for Returns
Ans: Investing for monthly income post-retirement is akin to setting up a steady stream from a river that continues to flow without depletion. With your corpus of 60 lakhs and the goal of receiving approximately 70,000 per month, the challenge is to strike a balance between generating sufficient income and preserving the principal amount.

Considering today's interest rate environment, traditional fixed-income instruments like bank FDs or post office schemes might not offer the desired returns after adjusting for inflation.

A Monthly Income Plan (MIP) from mutual funds could be a viable option. These funds typically invest in a mix of debt and equity, aiming to generate regular income while also offering potential capital appreciation. It's like a well-mixed cocktail where the ingredients (assets) complement each other to provide both flavor (income) and strength (growth potential).

While MIPs can provide regular dividends or systematic withdrawal plans (SWPs), it's crucial to be aware of the associated risks, especially with the equity component. Periodic reviews and adjustments may be needed to ensure the income stream remains consistent.

In summary, an MIP could be a suitable choice to meet your income needs while aiming for growth. However, it's advisable to consult with a financial advisor to tailor a strategy that aligns with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 29, 2024Hindi
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Hello sir I am 43 and from 2017 monthly invested sbi mf 5000 Kotak small cap fund 2500 mirae asset elss 2500 icic pru 2500 and sbi blue chip 1500.. currenly hve salary 1.35 lakh and have obligation of Rs 55 k monthly.. ppf 10000 monthly invest and 5000 nps investment if you suggest better please guid future gol of monthly 1.50 lkh
Ans: Your consistent monthly investments since 2017 reflect admirable financial discipline. Let's review your current investments and suggest potential adjustments to align with your future goals.

Review of Current Investments
1. SBI MF Monthly Investment:

Allocation: ?5,000 monthly.
Assessment: SBI Bluechip Fund may offer stability and consistent returns, suitable for long-term wealth creation.
2. Kotak Small Cap Fund:

Allocation: ?2,500 monthly.
Assessment: Small cap funds offer high growth potential but come with higher risk due to volatility.
3. Mirae Asset ELSS:

Allocation: ?2,500 monthly.
Assessment: ELSS funds provide tax benefits with potential for equity market growth. Suitable for long-term goals.
4. ICICI Pru Fund:

Allocation: ?2,500 monthly.
Assessment: Depending on the specific fund, ICICI Pru offers a range of options catering to different risk profiles.
5. SBI Blue Chip Fund:

Allocation: ?1,500 monthly.
Assessment: Provides exposure to bluechip companies, offering stability and steady returns.
6. PPF and NPS Investments:

Allocation: ?10,000 in PPF and ?5,000 in NPS monthly.
Assessment: PPF and NPS offer tax benefits and retirement savings, contributing to long-term financial security.
Potential Adjustments and Suggestions
1. Review of Existing Funds:

Performance Check: Evaluate the performance of your current funds against benchmarks and peers.
Risk Assessment: Consider your risk tolerance and investment horizon when assessing the suitability of each fund.
2. Optimal Allocation:

Strategic Rebalancing: Consider rebalancing your portfolio to align with your financial goals and risk tolerance.
Diversification: Aim for a well-diversified portfolio across asset classes and investment styles.
3. Additional Investments:

Increase Monthly Contributions: Since you aim to increase your monthly investment to ?1.50 lakh, consider allocating the additional funds strategically.
Asset Allocation: Ensure a balanced allocation across equity, debt, and other asset classes based on your risk profile and financial goals.
4. Professional Guidance:

Engage a Certified Financial Planner (CFP): Seek personalized advice from a CFP to optimize your portfolio and ensure it aligns with your long-term objectives.
Financial Planning: A CFP can help create a comprehensive financial plan considering your income, expenses, goals, and risk tolerance.
Final Thoughts
Your current investment strategy demonstrates a commitment to long-term wealth creation and financial security. To optimize your portfolio for your future goal of increasing your monthly investment to ?1.50 lakh, consider reviewing the performance of your existing funds and making strategic adjustments. Seeking professional guidance from a Certified Financial Planner can provide valuable insights and ensure your investments are on track to meet your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 27, 2024

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Sir i am the age of 56 i have invested in Tata ULIP plan 1 lakh premium per annum pls suggest another one investment plan for 10000 per month for 5 years for good returns
Ans: Understanding Your Current Investment
You have invested in a Tata ULIP plan, paying Rs 1 lakh premium per annum. ULIPs combine insurance and investment. While this sounds good, let's explore its risks and drawbacks compared to mutual funds.

Risks and Disadvantages of ULIPs
High Charges
ULIPs often have high charges, including premium allocation, policy administration, and fund management fees. These charges reduce your investment returns.

Complex Structure
ULIPs are complex. They mix insurance and investment, making it hard to understand how your money grows and how much goes towards insurance.

Limited Flexibility
ULIPs have a lock-in period of five years. Withdrawing funds before this period can result in penalties. This limits your liquidity.

Lower Returns
Due to high charges, ULIPs generally offer lower returns compared to mutual funds. The insurance component also eats into potential investment returns.

Benefits of Mutual Funds
Higher Returns
Mutual funds, especially actively managed ones, have the potential to offer higher returns over the long term. Fund managers actively manage the portfolio to maximize gains.

Transparency
Mutual funds provide transparency. You can easily track the performance of your investments. Fund reports and NAVs are published regularly.

Flexibility and Liquidity
Mutual funds offer higher liquidity. You can redeem your investments anytime without penalties, providing easy access to your funds.

Lower Costs
Mutual funds typically have lower expense ratios compared to ULIPs. This means more of your money is invested and working for you.

Surrendering ULIP and Reinvesting in Mutual Funds
Evaluating Your ULIP
Consider surrendering your ULIP. Calculate any surrender charges and understand the exit process. Check the current value of your ULIP.

Reinvesting in Mutual Funds
Once you surrender the ULIP, reinvest the proceeds into mutual funds. Here's how to proceed:

Creating a New Investment Plan
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Start a SIP for Rs 10,000 per month. SIPs allow disciplined investment and benefit from rupee cost averaging.

Diversified Portfolio
Invest in a diversified portfolio of actively managed mutual funds. Include equity, debt, and balanced funds to spread risk and enhance returns.

Professional Guidance
Seek help from a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). They can recommend suitable funds based on your risk tolerance and financial goals.

Example of a Diversified Mutual Fund Portfolio
Equity Funds
Invest in equity funds for high growth potential. These funds invest in stocks of companies across different sectors.

Debt Funds
Include debt funds for stability. These funds invest in bonds and other fixed-income securities, providing steady returns.

Balanced Funds
Balanced funds invest in both equity and debt. They offer a balance of growth and stability, ideal for conservative investors.

Advantages of Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
Professional Management
Regular funds are managed by experienced fund managers. They make informed decisions to maximize returns, beneficial for those without investment expertise.

Personalized Advice
Investing through an MFD with CFP credential provides access to personalized financial advice. They help you choose the best funds and adjust your portfolio as needed.

Steps to Start Investing Online
Set Up KYC
Complete your KYC (Know Your Customer) process online. This is mandatory for investing in mutual funds.

Choose an MFD
Select a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with CFP credential. They will guide you through the investment process and recommend suitable funds.

Start SIP
Initiate a SIP through your chosen MFD. Set up automatic monthly transfers from your bank account to the mutual fund.

Monitoring and Adjusting Your Portfolio
Regular Reviews
Review your portfolio periodically. Monitor fund performance and make adjustments based on market conditions and financial goals.

Rebalancing
Rebalance your portfolio annually to maintain your desired asset allocation. This involves selling some investments and buying others to keep your portfolio aligned with your risk tolerance.

Conclusion
ULIPs have significant drawbacks, including high charges, complexity, and lower returns. Surrendering your ULIP and investing in mutual funds can offer higher returns, flexibility, and transparency. By starting a SIP in a diversified mutual fund portfolio and seeking professional guidance, you can achieve your financial goals more effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 16, 2024Hindi
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Hi I had decided to take a policy for Max Life Smart Wealth Advantage Growth Par Plan (A Non-Linked Participating Individual Life Insurance Savings Plan) I am 28 years old and investing 1.5 LPA annually with rate 8% roi this 1.5 i have to give annually till 12 years will instant interest return around 61k every year from 2nd year till 23rd year and the maturity will be on 25th year. Could you please suggest if this is a good investment to go with. please suggest
Ans: Evaluating Your Investment Choice
Understanding the Policy

Plan Type: Max Life Smart Wealth Advantage Growth Par Plan.
Premium: Rs 1.5 lakhs annually for 12 years.
Duration: Interest returns from 2nd to 23rd year; maturity at 25 years.
ROI: Projected rate of 8%.
Critical Analysis

Returns

Guaranteed vs. Non-Guaranteed: The plan offers participating benefits which are not guaranteed.
Expected Returns: Non-linked plans often have returns lower than market-linked investments.
Liquidity

Lock-in Period: Limited liquidity with long-term commitment.
Access to Funds: No easy access to your money until maturity.
Comparison with Other Options

Term Insurance

Coverage: Higher sum assured at a lower premium.
Simplicity: Pure risk cover without any investment component.
Public Provident Fund (PPF)

Safety: Government-backed and risk-free.
Returns: Around 7-8% currently, tax-free interest.
Mutual Funds

Potential Returns: Equity mutual funds can offer higher returns, though with higher risk.
Flexibility: SIP options provide flexibility in investment amounts and duration.
Recommendation Based on Risk Appetite

Risk-Averse Approach

Term Insurance: Opt for a term plan with adequate coverage.
PPF: Invest in PPF for assured, tax-free returns.
Benefits: Combines safety with adequate life coverage.
Willing to Take Risk

Term Insurance: Secure a term plan for life cover.
Mutual Funds: Invest in a diversified mutual fund portfolio for potential higher returns.
Benefits: Offers higher growth potential with life security.
Disadvantages of the Policy

Lower Returns: Potential returns may not match inflation and market-linked returns.
Lack of Flexibility: Long-term commitment with limited access to funds.
Advantages of Suggested Approach

Term Insurance + PPF

Security: Provides financial security for your family.
Stable Returns: Offers stable, risk-free returns.
Term Insurance + Mutual Funds

Growth: Potential for higher returns through equity exposure.
Flexibility: SIPs offer flexible investment amounts and durations.
Action Plan

Review Needs: Assess your financial goals and risk tolerance.
Consult CFP: Seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner for personalized planning.
Start Early: Begin with term insurance and a mix of PPF or mutual funds based on your risk appetite.
Final Insights

Better Options: The Max Life plan may not offer the best returns.
Alternative Investments: Consider term insurance combined with PPF or mutual funds.
Professional Advice: A CFP can help tailor a plan to meet your goals.
Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Requesting you, to help me, regarding midcap 150 etf of mirae asset midcap 150 etf for longterm through SIP
Ans: Let us review the suitability of investing in a mid-cap 150 ETF for the long term via SIP.

Understanding ETFs and Their Characteristics
Passive Management: Midcap ETFs replicate an index like the Nifty Midcap 150.

Cost Efficiency: They offer lower expense ratios compared to actively managed funds.

No Active Decision Making: They do not try to outperform the market but track the index.

Volatility Concerns: Midcap indices are more volatile than large-cap indices.

Returns Depend on Index: The ETF's performance mirrors the performance of its benchmark.

Disadvantages of Investing in Midcap ETFs
Lack of Active Management
Mid-cap stocks are highly volatile.

Active fund managers can adjust portfolios to limit risks during downturns.

ETFs lack this flexibility, as they strictly follow the index composition.

Limited Flexibility in Rebalancing
Market conditions often demand sector rotation or stock-specific decisions.

Actively managed funds adapt to such conditions, but ETFs cannot.

Tracking Errors
ETFs may not perfectly replicate the index due to tracking errors.

This can affect returns, especially over the long term.

Why Actively Managed Funds May Be Better
Fund Manager Expertise
Skilled managers can outperform the index by selecting high-growth stocks.

They can mitigate risks in falling markets through tactical decisions.

Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not limited to a predefined basket of stocks.

Managers can select fundamentally strong stocks beyond the index.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds have historically outperformed midcap indices over long periods.

This makes them a better choice for wealth creation in the mid-cap segment.

Recommendations for Long-Term Mid-Cap Investments
Diversify: Include actively managed mid-cap funds instead of relying solely on an ETF.

Professional Guidance: Invest in regular plans via a Certified Financial Planner.

Monitor Performance: Review fund performance every 6–12 months.

Manage Risk: Avoid overexposure to mid-cap investments due to their volatility.

Final Insights
While Mirae Asset Midcap 150 ETF is a low-cost option, it has limitations.

Active mid-cap funds can better navigate market volatility.

They provide the flexibility and expertise required for wealth creation.

For long-term SIPs, consider balanced exposure to actively managed funds. This ensures both growth and risk management over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Dear sir, I am 50 years old and working in private sector MNC 1.5 Lakhs on hand. My job security is very less. I have two kids aged 18, 14 years old. My wife is housewife. I have 80L in Mutual funds and 20L in stocks, Bank deposits 40L. I am investing in SIP in below Mutual funds all direct growth around 57000 pm. CR Bule chip fund, MA Large and Midcap, HDFC smallcap each 5000 pm (15000) step up 2000 every 6months. Invesco Infra, JM Value fund, Nippon India Multicap, Small cap, Parag parekh Flexi cap, Quant Small cap, Mid cap each 6000 pm (42000), all these SIPs started recently from June 2024. Some Lumpsum in Axis smallcap 6L, Bandan core Equity 3L, CR Smallcap 8L, DSP smallcap 4L,HSBC Flexicap 3.5, HSBC Smallcap 3L, ICICI Pru Infra 3.5L, Value discovery 3L, Invesco Large & Midcap 2L, JM Flexicap 1L, Motilal Oswal Midcap 8L, SBI Bluechip 7L, Infrastructure 2L, Sundaram Smallcap 3L My expenses per month are 1.2 Lakh. I don't have loans/EMIs. Please advice me for my retirement life which need at least 1.5L per month, my kids education expenses, and also advice to my Portfolio. Thanks and regards, Yours sincerely, Purushotham Thati
Ans: Your current portfolio and investment habits show a good start. Let us evaluate your financial standing, address your goals, and provide suggestions for optimisation.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh and expenses of Rs. 1.2 lakh. This leaves a surplus of Rs. 30,000 per month.

Investment Corpus: Your existing corpus includes Rs. 80 lakh in mutual funds, Rs. 20 lakh in stocks, and Rs. 40 lakh in bank deposits.

SIP Contributions: You are investing Rs. 57,000 monthly across multiple mutual funds.

Lump Sum Investments: You have allocated significant lump sums to small-cap, flexi-cap, and thematic funds.

Goals: Your goals include securing Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly for retirement and funding your children's education.

Planning for Retirement
Corpus Required
You aim for Rs. 1.5 lakh per month during retirement.

Factor in inflation to estimate future monthly expenses.

The current corpus and SIPs must grow consistently to meet this goal.

Recommendations
Maintain a balanced allocation between equity and debt for steady growth.

Avoid excessive concentration in small-cap and thematic funds, which are volatile.

Increase exposure to balanced and flexi-cap funds for stability.

Planning for Children’s Education
Current Needs
Your children are aged 18 and 14, which implies upcoming higher education expenses.

Plan for expenses within the next 4–8 years.

Recommendations
Create a dedicated education fund for both children.

Use debt-oriented hybrid funds or short-term debt funds for near-term goals.

Ensure part of your mutual fund corpus is earmarked for this purpose.

Portfolio Review and Suggestions
Strengths of the Portfolio
Disciplined SIP Investments: Investing Rs. 57,000 monthly shows financial discipline.

Diversification: Exposure to various categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds.

Areas for Improvement
Excessive Small-Cap Allocation: High exposure to small-cap funds increases volatility.

Thematic Fund Overlap: Thematic funds like infrastructure may lead to concentration risks.

Direct Fund Investments: Direct funds lack professional guidance and ongoing monitoring.

Portfolio Optimisation
Consolidate funds to reduce over-diversification and improve focus.

Shift some SIPs to balanced advantage or hybrid funds for stability.

Review and replace underperforming funds periodically.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner to benefit from professional advice.

Optimising Lumpsum Investments
Review the performance of your lump sum investments.

Redeploy underperforming small-cap and thematic funds into balanced funds.

Keep a portion of your bank deposits in liquid funds for emergencies.

Avoid high allocations to sectoral or cyclical funds due to their dependency on market conditions.

Tax Planning
Long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions considering these rules to minimise tax liabilities.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Maintain at least 6–12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.

This ensures financial security given your low job security.

Allocate Rs. 15–20 lakh from your bank deposits for this purpose.

Recommendations for SIPs
Reduce exposure to small-cap and thematic funds.

Increase allocation to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Consider balanced advantage funds to manage market volatility.

Step-up SIPs only after assessing fund performance.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong, but optimisation is essential.

Prioritise stability and diversification in your portfolio.

Allocate funds separately for retirement and children’s education.

Maintain a robust emergency fund to handle uncertainties.

Seek professional advice to streamline and monitor your investments.

Consistent review and disciplined investing will help you achieve financial independence and secure your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |807 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
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Retiremen advice I am 50 yrs old single with recurring and chronic health issues. I would like to retire and I have 2 crore in FD 1 crore in stock and mutual funds I also own a home and a flat both are free of debt. Please advice me to restructure my assets and have a peaceful retirement. My tax consultant told me I can get up to 3 lakhs per month with 3 cr invested in stocks and mutual funds How realistic is it possible and how to montage the downside risks associated with it. I had been a victim of Franklin Templeton debt funds during covid and I do not trust Mutual funds houses or its manages as before.
Ans: Hello;

It is impossible to get 3 L per month with 3 Cr corpus in mutual funds, unless you are ready to deplete the corpus completely over 10-12 years.

Since you were impacted with Franklin Templeton debt funds issue earlier, I recommend you to buy an immediate annuity from a life insurance company for a sum of 2.8 Cr.

You may chose annuity for life with return of purchase price to your nominee.

It may yield you a post tax monthly income of around 1.1 L+.

After fulfilling your regular expenses you may begin a monthly sip of 10-15 K in any equity fund.

The corpus that this investment will generate over 10-15 years may be used to top-up annuity and hence monthly payouts to account for rise in the inflation.

You may keep balance 20 L corpus in savings account as emergency fund.

Although the Franklin Templeton debt fund issue was difficult for the unitholders of those funds, the alacrity and surgical precision with which SEBI handled that issue and ensured all investors get their money back was commendable.

We cannot control human behaviour but we have extremely robust system of checks and balances in regulation of our MF industry to safeguard investor interests at all costs even if some negative event occurs.

Seek help from a mutual fund distributor or an investment advisor for help, if required.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Relationship
Hi, I Am 26(M). I had an arranged marriage, my wife had a pre-marital affair which continued even after our engagement and for 9 months of marriage. According to my wife, she met him once and he wanted to have sex but my wife didn't do it. (The used to chat on Instagram). I found out today after 2 years of marriage. And we just had a baby. My wife asked me to use Instagram after we got engaged, but I refused because I was afraid it would have a bad effect on her. I don't even use it cause I know what can go wrong. When I caught her red-handed and saw the man's chats, I took her phone. And then I had read a little chat, then my wife came to me and said that she had to call our maid. I gave her the phone and she not only spoke on the phone but also deleted the chats with the guy. My eyes were closed when she spoke to maid on the phone. Cause I was so tired. Then I asked my wife to talk to him in front of me because I wanted to teach him a lesson and find his fiancée and tell her the truth. I'm very loyal to my wife. And she was my world. I've never had a girlfriend. I am open minded and I had asked my wife before the engagement, after the engagement on the phone and even after the marriage that if she had a past, I will accept it. My wife messaged him and he asked her talk on video call. The guy also knows that we have just had a baby who is not even 1 month old. I turned on the screen recording of the video call and gave it to my wife. In that screen recording, my wife texted the guy and told him to talk carefully cause I was sitting in front of her and then deleted the message with option of 'delete for you' on Instagram. This is how my wife cheated on me 2 times even after being caught. She told me that she loved me later on. And she took great care of me. She brought me out of depression. She did everything and I also loved her with all my heart and did everything for her. Right now she is saying I forgive her and she wants to live with me like before. She apologized a ton as well. But I don't know what to do at the moment. After so many lies, I can't trust her easily. She has a habit of lying in small things as well. I want to live with her, she was my support, my mother is not even there. when I was 12 years old... Now what do I do? Please kindly guide me!
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
Yes, you feel like your trust has been broken. Is it easy to build back that trust? Yes and No...Yes, if you wish to...No, if you don't wish to...
If you go back in time and play the same story about how you wife was on Instagram and how she 'cheated' on you, there is no way that you can put your marriage back together.
How are you open-minded when an Instagram account causes you to fear what will happen? I can understand that you are a person with no past girlfriends but people do come with a past. Now, your wife could have shared her past with you, but most women seem to not want to for fear of reaction from the men like you have now. I can see that all this has hurt you, but if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to drop all the past baggage, yours and your wife's and start afresh. Which means taking things for what it is NOW at face value without doubting it.
Can you do that? My suggestion would be: make an honest attempt at it. But warn yourself against going back in to the past otherwise there will be more mud throwing and no solution in sight.
Start new, Start afresh...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 28, 2024 | Answered on Dec 28, 2024
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Thanks You Very Much Ma'am For Your Answer. The Reason For Not Using Instagram Was Cause I Didn't Wanted To Look At Any Other Women Instead Of Her. My Intentions Were Pure. Also I Didn't wanted a thing which can spark of cheating so there will be no fire. I am open minded I told her I will accept it. Problem is that affair continued even after engagement and marriage (till 9 months of marriage) But today's condition is that i think she has lost interest. We have tradition inwhich wife goes to their home and stay for 2-3 months. Her mother has been so influential from beginning so am telling her to comeback. She is not ready to comeback even when I am sick. I told her to come back for at least 4-5 days so we can talk. I am afraid she will mindwash her. And I can see that. I have given the best possible time yet she is complaining that I don't give time. When I told her to come back she overeated that she will never go there and that. She wasn't like this. She was with me in my everything. I am so confused. I have forgiven & forgotten everything about the past still... What do you suggest ma'am???
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
I have already made my suggestions in the initial response. Start afresh and wipe the slate clean. Rebuilding trust cannot happen overnight, so give the marriage a fair GO.
What you have shared again are problems and when you stay in that Zone, you will only be able to focus on problems. When there is an intention to solve the issue, the prerequisite is to move away from all the things that have gone wrong/bad and all the things that you think will go wrong/bad. That's the only way to solve problems. So my suggestions are still the same.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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