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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 27, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
seetharaman Question by seetharaman on May 20, 2024Hindi
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Sir i am the age of 56 i have invested in Tata ULIP plan 1 lakh premium per annum pls suggest another one investment plan for 10000 per month for 5 years for good returns

Ans: Understanding Your Current Investment
You have invested in a Tata ULIP plan, paying Rs 1 lakh premium per annum. ULIPs combine insurance and investment. While this sounds good, let's explore its risks and drawbacks compared to mutual funds.

Risks and Disadvantages of ULIPs
High Charges
ULIPs often have high charges, including premium allocation, policy administration, and fund management fees. These charges reduce your investment returns.

Complex Structure
ULIPs are complex. They mix insurance and investment, making it hard to understand how your money grows and how much goes towards insurance.

Limited Flexibility
ULIPs have a lock-in period of five years. Withdrawing funds before this period can result in penalties. This limits your liquidity.

Lower Returns
Due to high charges, ULIPs generally offer lower returns compared to mutual funds. The insurance component also eats into potential investment returns.

Benefits of Mutual Funds
Higher Returns
Mutual funds, especially actively managed ones, have the potential to offer higher returns over the long term. Fund managers actively manage the portfolio to maximize gains.

Transparency
Mutual funds provide transparency. You can easily track the performance of your investments. Fund reports and NAVs are published regularly.

Flexibility and Liquidity
Mutual funds offer higher liquidity. You can redeem your investments anytime without penalties, providing easy access to your funds.

Lower Costs
Mutual funds typically have lower expense ratios compared to ULIPs. This means more of your money is invested and working for you.

Surrendering ULIP and Reinvesting in Mutual Funds
Evaluating Your ULIP
Consider surrendering your ULIP. Calculate any surrender charges and understand the exit process. Check the current value of your ULIP.

Reinvesting in Mutual Funds
Once you surrender the ULIP, reinvest the proceeds into mutual funds. Here's how to proceed:

Creating a New Investment Plan
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Start a SIP for Rs 10,000 per month. SIPs allow disciplined investment and benefit from rupee cost averaging.

Diversified Portfolio
Invest in a diversified portfolio of actively managed mutual funds. Include equity, debt, and balanced funds to spread risk and enhance returns.

Professional Guidance
Seek help from a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). They can recommend suitable funds based on your risk tolerance and financial goals.

Example of a Diversified Mutual Fund Portfolio
Equity Funds
Invest in equity funds for high growth potential. These funds invest in stocks of companies across different sectors.

Debt Funds
Include debt funds for stability. These funds invest in bonds and other fixed-income securities, providing steady returns.

Balanced Funds
Balanced funds invest in both equity and debt. They offer a balance of growth and stability, ideal for conservative investors.

Advantages of Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
Professional Management
Regular funds are managed by experienced fund managers. They make informed decisions to maximize returns, beneficial for those without investment expertise.

Personalized Advice
Investing through an MFD with CFP credential provides access to personalized financial advice. They help you choose the best funds and adjust your portfolio as needed.

Steps to Start Investing Online
Set Up KYC
Complete your KYC (Know Your Customer) process online. This is mandatory for investing in mutual funds.

Choose an MFD
Select a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with CFP credential. They will guide you through the investment process and recommend suitable funds.

Start SIP
Initiate a SIP through your chosen MFD. Set up automatic monthly transfers from your bank account to the mutual fund.

Monitoring and Adjusting Your Portfolio
Regular Reviews
Review your portfolio periodically. Monitor fund performance and make adjustments based on market conditions and financial goals.

Rebalancing
Rebalance your portfolio annually to maintain your desired asset allocation. This involves selling some investments and buying others to keep your portfolio aligned with your risk tolerance.

Conclusion
ULIPs have significant drawbacks, including high charges, complexity, and lower returns. Surrendering your ULIP and investing in mutual funds can offer higher returns, flexibility, and transparency. By starting a SIP in a diversified mutual fund portfolio and seeking professional guidance, you can achieve your financial goals more effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 12, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello All, Hope this finds you well and healthy. I am 31 year old and working in MNC. My monthly income is 1.04L per month. Currently I am investing 20K in mutual funds (8k elss 12k (mid small and large). Yearly I invest 50k in NPS + 10k in PPF + HEALTH INSURANCE+ 38K TERM PLAN. My monthly expense is almost 50-60k. I seek help here, how shall I plan my future investments. Is investing in ULIP or market linked plans such as HDFC, Tata AIA capital guarantee solution. I am looking for down the line after 10-12 year I have sufficient amount for child further education or for buying home.
Ans: Your proactive approach towards financial planning is commendable, and you are on the right track with diversified investments. Let's delve deeper into optimizing your future investments to ensure you achieve your financial goals, including your child's education and buying a home.

Current Financial Overview
At 31, you have a solid foundation with a monthly income of Rs 1.04 lakh. Here's a breakdown of your current investments and expenses:

Mutual Funds: Rs 20,000 (Rs 8,000 in ELSS, Rs 12,000 in mid, small, and large-cap funds)
NPS: Rs 50,000 annually
PPF: Rs 10,000 annually
Health Insurance and Term Plan: Rs 38,000 annually
Monthly Expenses: Rs 50,000 to Rs 60,000
Mutual Funds: A Strong Foundation
Your current investment in mutual funds is well-balanced. ELSS provides tax benefits under Section 80C, while mid, small, and large-cap funds offer growth potential.

Benefits of Your Current Mutual Funds
Tax Efficiency: ELSS funds reduce your taxable income.
Growth Potential: Mid, small, and large-cap funds diversify risk and potential returns.
Flexibility: You can adjust contributions based on market conditions and financial goals.
Evaluating ULIPs and Market-Linked Plans
ULIPs (Unit Linked Insurance Plans) and market-linked plans like HDFC and Tata AIA capital guarantee solutions offer both insurance and investment. However, it's essential to understand their pros and cons before investing.

Pros of ULIPs and Market-Linked Plans
Dual Benefits: ULIPs provide insurance and investment under one plan.
Tax Benefits: Premiums paid may qualify for tax deductions.
Flexibility: You can switch between equity and debt options based on market conditions.
Cons of ULIPs and Market-Linked Plans
High Costs: ULIPs often have higher charges compared to mutual funds, affecting returns.
Lock-In Period: Typically, ULIPs have a lock-in period of five years, reducing liquidity.
Complexity: Understanding charges and benefits of ULIPs can be challenging.
Prioritizing Financial Goals
Focusing on your child's education and buying a home requires careful planning. Here's a step-by-step approach to help you achieve these goals.

Step 1: Define Clear Goals
Child's Education: Estimate future education costs and timeframe.
Buying a Home: Determine the budget and location for your future home.
Step 2: Assess Your Risk Tolerance
High Risk Tolerance: Invest more in equity mutual funds for higher returns.
Moderate Risk Tolerance: Maintain a balanced portfolio with equity and debt funds.
Low Risk Tolerance: Focus on debt funds and fixed income instruments.
Step 3: Optimize Existing Investments
Mutual Funds: Continue investing in diversified mutual funds.
NPS: Increase contributions for long-term retirement benefits.
PPF: Consider maxing out your PPF contributions for stable returns and tax benefits.
Adding New Investment Options
To further diversify your portfolio and enhance returns, consider these additional investment options.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
Regular Investment: SIPs ensure disciplined investing with regular contributions.
Rupee Cost Averaging: Investing at different market levels reduces the impact of market volatility.
Flexibility: Adjust SIP amounts based on financial goals and market conditions.
Actively Managed Funds
Professional Management: Fund managers actively select securities to outperform the market.
Strategic Adjustments: Managers can adjust the portfolio based on market trends and economic conditions.
Potential for Higher Returns: Skilled managers may achieve higher returns compared to index funds.
Debt Funds
Stable Returns: Debt funds provide regular income with lower risk compared to equity funds.
Diversification: Including debt funds reduces overall portfolio risk.
Liquidity: Debt funds offer better liquidity than fixed deposits or ULIPs.
Planning for Child's Education
Education costs are rising, and planning early ensures you can meet future expenses without stress.

Step 1: Estimate Education Costs
Current Costs: Research current education expenses for your preferred institutions.
Inflation: Account for inflation when estimating future costs.
Timeframe: Determine the number of years until your child starts higher education.
Step 2: Create an Education Fund
Equity Funds: Invest in equity mutual funds for long-term growth.
Child-Specific Plans: Consider child education plans with benefits tailored to education funding.
Regular Contributions: Set up SIPs to build a corpus over time.
Planning for Buying a Home
Buying a home requires substantial financial planning and saving. Here's a structured approach to achieve this goal.

Step 1: Determine Your Budget
Location and Size: Decide on the location and size of the home you wish to buy.
Down Payment: Calculate the down payment required and monthly EMIs you can afford.
Additional Costs: Consider additional costs like registration, maintenance, and property tax.
Step 2: Build a Home Purchase Fund
Equity Funds: For a 10-12 year horizon, equity funds can provide significant growth.
Debt Funds: Include debt funds for stability and lower risk.
Recurring Deposits: Consider recurring deposits for regular savings with fixed returns.
Insurance and Emergency Fund
Ensuring adequate insurance coverage and maintaining an emergency fund are essential components of financial planning.

Health Insurance
Adequate Coverage: Ensure your health insurance covers potential medical expenses.
Regular Review: Periodically review your coverage to adjust for inflation and changing needs.
Top-Up Plans: Consider top-up health insurance plans for additional coverage.
Term Insurance
Adequate Sum Assured: Ensure your term insurance covers your family’s future financial needs.
Regular Review: Update your term plan as your financial responsibilities grow.
Riders: Consider adding riders like critical illness for comprehensive coverage.
Emergency Fund
Three to Six Months: Maintain an emergency fund covering 3-6 months of living expenses.
Liquid Assets: Keep the fund in liquid assets for easy access during emergencies.
Regular Contribution: Contribute regularly to ensure the fund remains adequate over time.
Avoiding Common Investment Pitfalls
Staying aware of common pitfalls helps protect your investments and achieve your financial goals.

Avoid High-Cost Investments
High Charges: Avoid investments with high charges that erode returns, like certain ULIPs.
Hidden Fees: Be aware of hidden fees in investment products.
Diversify Your Portfolio
Single Asset Risk: Avoid concentrating investments in a single asset class.
Balanced Approach: Maintain a mix of equity, debt, and other instruments.
Regular Review and Rebalance
Performance Review: Regularly review investment performance to ensure alignment with goals.
Rebalancing: Rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation.
Final Insights
Your current financial strategy is commendable, showing a well-diversified approach. To optimize your investments for future goals like child education and buying a home, consider increasing contributions to equity mutual funds and maintaining a balanced portfolio. Avoid high-cost investments like ULIPs unless necessary for specific benefits. Regularly review and adjust your portfolio with the help of a Certified Financial Planner to stay on track. Your proactive approach today will ensure a secure and prosperous future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 17, 2024

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I am 50 years old privet sector employee, my job may be over coming 3 months. My investments value are, Demat account stocks= 60 Lakhs, MF, Flexi Cap = 40 L, Mid Cap =12L, Small Cap = 5L, FD=25L, PPF=20L will matured on 2031. Cash in hand 10L, Please suggest me correct investment plan to get 1.0L monthly. I have term plan for Rs 1.0Cr. and family mediclaim policy for rs. 25 L.
Ans: Current Financial Position
You have a strong financial foundation. Your investments and savings include:

Demat account stocks: Rs 60 Lakhs

Mutual Funds (Flexi Cap): Rs 40 Lakhs

Mutual Funds (Mid Cap): Rs 12 Lakhs

Mutual Funds (Small Cap): Rs 5 Lakhs

Fixed Deposit: Rs 25 Lakhs

PPF: Rs 20 Lakhs (matures in 2031)

Cash in hand: Rs 10 Lakhs

You also have a term insurance plan of Rs 1 crore and a family mediclaim policy of Rs 25 Lakhs.

Investment Strategy for Steady Income
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
Utilize SWP from your mutual funds.

Withdraw Rs 1 lakh monthly from Flexi Cap and Mid Cap funds.

This ensures a regular income without depleting the principal rapidly.

Dividend-Paying Stocks
Invest part of your Demat account in dividend-paying stocks.

This provides regular income and potential for capital appreciation.

Balanced Mutual Funds
Shift some funds to balanced mutual funds.

These funds offer stability and regular returns.

Debt Funds
Allocate a portion to debt funds.

These are less risky and offer regular interest income.

Emergency Fund
Maintain Rs 10 Lakhs cash for emergencies.

This ensures liquidity and financial security.

Fixed Deposits and PPF
Keep FDs and PPF as they provide guaranteed returns.

Use FD interest for additional income.

PPF will mature in 2031, adding to your corpus.

Healthcare and Insurance
Ensure your family mediclaim policy is adequate.

Consider increasing the coverage if needed.

Your term plan is sufficient for your family's financial security.

Tax Efficiency
Tax-Efficient Investments
Invest in tax-efficient options like debt funds and balanced funds.

These can reduce your tax liability on returns.

Tax Planning for Withdrawal
Plan your withdrawals to minimize tax impact.

Use tax-saving strategies to optimize your income.

Regular Review and Adjustment
Review your portfolio regularly.

Adjust investments based on market conditions and financial goals.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds can outperform the market.

They adapt to changing market conditions.

Professional fund managers aim for higher returns.

Avoid Direct Funds
Direct funds require constant monitoring.

Regular funds through a CFP offer professional guidance.

This reduces the burden of managing your investments.

Final Insights
You are on the right track with your investments. By optimizing your current assets and planning withdrawals strategically, you can achieve your goal of Rs 1 lakh monthly income. Regularly review your financial plan and make adjustments as needed to ensure long-term financial security.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 14, 2024

Money
Hi Sir, need a plan for next 5years from you to invest 50lakhs and monthly 50k.. which will give me more returns than FD.. most preferred is sharemarket mutual funds and shares .. please give me guidance
Ans: Investing Rs. 50 lakhs upfront and an additional Rs. 50,000 monthly shows your commitment to growing wealth. Your preference for share market mutual funds and stocks is a smart approach, given the goal to outperform fixed deposits (FD). Here’s a detailed strategy designed to offer you higher returns over the next five years.

1. Key Considerations for a 5-Year Investment Horizon
Since you’re targeting a 5-year period, we’ll focus on growth assets that balance risk and reward. This includes equities and mutual funds while maintaining diversification to reduce volatility.

Balancing Growth and Stability: For higher returns than FDs, equity investments are ideal. We will, however, balance these with some debt allocation to manage risk.

Using Mutual Funds Over Stocks Alone: Mutual funds offer professional management and diversification, which can be beneficial over stocks for a short 5-year window.

Focus on Actively Managed Funds: Actively managed funds can outperform the market over a medium-term horizon, as managers adjust holdings based on market conditions. This can be especially useful in a 5-year window.

2. Investment Allocation Strategy
Lump Sum Investment (Rs. 50 Lakhs)
For the Rs. 50 lakhs lump sum, we’ll use a diversified portfolio across different types of mutual funds and assets. This portfolio will be structured to balance both high growth and moderate risk.

Equity Mutual Funds: Allocate a substantial portion to actively managed equity funds. These funds are designed to capture market growth and are managed by experts to optimize returns.

Large Cap Funds: Large-cap funds are stable, as they invest in established companies. They provide resilience against market volatility, making them ideal for a 5-year period.

Flexi Cap Funds: Flexi cap funds allow the fund manager to switch between large, mid, and small caps. This flexibility can be beneficial, especially in fluctuating markets.

Mid Cap Funds: Mid-cap funds can add growth potential, as they invest in emerging companies. However, they carry higher risk, so we’ll limit exposure.

Avoid Index Funds: While index funds have lower fees, they lack active management. In a volatile market, they may not adjust in time to protect gains. Actively managed funds, on the other hand, allow for flexible adjustments to capture opportunities and avoid downturns.

Balanced Funds: Consider investing in hybrid funds or balanced advantage funds. These funds balance equity with debt exposure, adjusting allocations based on market conditions. This can provide stability and help reduce overall portfolio risk.

Debt Funds: A small portion in debt funds will add a layer of safety. Debt funds are less volatile and can cushion your portfolio during market downturns.

Monthly SIP (Rs. 50,000)
For your monthly SIP of Rs. 50,000, we’ll follow a systematic investment approach in mutual funds. This allows you to benefit from rupee cost averaging, minimizing the impact of market volatility.

Large Cap SIP: Allocate a portion to large-cap funds to build a stable core for the SIP portfolio. Large-cap funds provide steady growth and resilience.

Mid and Small Cap SIP: Allocating to mid and small-cap funds in SIP format allows you to buy more units when prices are low. These segments may experience volatility, but SIPs can mitigate some risk over the long term.

Avoid Direct Funds: Direct funds might save you on expense ratios, but they lack the guidance of a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). Regular funds through a CFP ensure that your portfolio is closely monitored, with adjustments made when necessary. This approach can help maximize returns and minimize risk, especially in changing markets.

3. Tax Considerations for Mutual Funds
To maximize post-tax returns, understanding tax implications on mutual fund gains is essential.

Equity Mutual Funds: For equity mutual funds, long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.

Debt Funds: Gains from debt funds are taxed according to your income slab, regardless of holding period. A CFP can help you strategize to minimize this tax burden.

Efficient Rebalancing: A CFP can guide on tax-efficient rebalancing strategies, helping you achieve goals while keeping tax liabilities manageable.

4. Portfolio Rebalancing and Review
To keep your portfolio aligned with market conditions and goals, regular reviews are vital. Reviewing every six months or annually ensures underperforming funds are replaced.

Regular Monitoring: A CFP will review your portfolio’s performance and suggest changes as needed. This ensures you capture growth and protect gains effectively.

Adjusting for Market Trends: Market conditions can vary, so adjusting allocations based on prevailing trends can maximize returns. A CFP can make these adjustments without deviating from your long-term goals.

5. Benefits of Working with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
By investing through a CFP, you benefit from professional guidance, customized strategies, and ongoing support.

Expert Portfolio Management: A CFP can craft a portfolio tailored to your risk tolerance and goals, enhancing your chance of achieving optimal returns.

Strategic Adjustments: A CFP provides active fund management, timely reviews, and tax-efficient rebalancing. This ensures you maximize returns over your investment horizon.

Emphasis on Goal-Driven Investing: A CFP will ensure your investments are aligned with your specific needs, such as higher returns than FDs, by carefully selecting and monitoring funds.

Final Insights
With a strategic mix of equity, balanced, and debt funds, you can build a high-performing portfolio for the next five years. SIPs, combined with a well-diversified lump sum investment, can help you achieve steady growth and minimize risks.

A Certified Financial Planner can help guide your investments and make necessary adjustments, ensuring your portfolio remains aligned with your goals. This personalized approach can provide you with higher returns than FDs while maintaining a balanced risk profile.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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I’m a 26-year-old girl from Delhi, and I’ve always been on the heavier side. While I’m confident in my personality and achievements, I can’t help but notice how my weight becomes a topic of discussion everywhere I go—be it family gatherings, workplaces, or even among friends. Recently, I met someone on social who seems genuinely interested in me. We’ve been talking for a few months now. He’s kind and makes me feel seen for who I am. But he hasn’t seen me in person yet. I’m terrified that when we meet, my weight might change how he feels about me. I’ve dealt with enough comments and rejections in the past, and I don’t know if I have the energy to face that again. How do I prepare myself for this meeting? And if he reacts negatively, how do I protect my self-worth and not let it break me?
Ans: As you prepare for the meeting, try to focus on the qualities that make you who you are beyond your physical appearance. Trust that your worth is not defined by your size or the opinions of others. If you find yourself feeling nervous, remind yourself of your confidence and the connection you’ve built over time through meaningful conversations. Be yourself—authenticity is far more attractive than any external feature.

In the event that his reaction is not as positive as you hoped, try not to take it personally. It's his perspective, not a reflection of your value. Protecting your self-worth involves recognizing that your body doesn’t dictate your value as a person. If his reaction is hurtful, it's an opportunity to reassess the kind of relationship you want—one where you’re fully accepted and celebrated for who you are. Remember, the right person will see the whole of you, not just a single aspect of you.

Stay grounded in your own strength, and know that rejection, when it happens, is not about you but about the fit between two people. It's okay to walk away from situations that don’t honor or appreciate you, and it won't diminish who you are.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
My husband and I are government employees and we live in different cities owing to work. He wants to build a house for his parents in his hometown and wants me to help him financially. I'm okay with it but he also has a younger brother who's in the 2nd year of college. But he's good for nothing. His parents and his younger brother are more or less dependent on him financially. I don't want to help him financially because we both won't be living in that house until retirement. And later that house will be occupied by his younger brother and his family. What should I do?
Ans: It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings. Express your concerns not just about the financial contribution but also about the long-term implications of this decision. Let him know that while you are willing to support him in helping his family, you are also thinking about your future, especially the role that you and your husband will play in the household later in life. It’s crucial to discuss how this decision will affect both of you and your relationship in the long run.

It may also be helpful to have a clear understanding of the financial expectations and responsibilities involved. If your husband feels strongly about supporting his family, it’s essential that both of you are on the same page regarding the amount of support you are comfortable with and the timeline for contributions. You might want to consider alternatives, such as setting a specific budget or finding ways to help without overextending yourselves financially.

Another important aspect is acknowledging the role his younger brother plays in this equation. It sounds like he may not be as responsible as you would like him to be, which is an understandable source of frustration. You might want to express your concerns about his reliance on your husband for financial support, and consider whether there might be ways to encourage his brother to take more responsibility for his own future.

Ultimately, you and your husband need to come to an agreement that respects both your desires and concerns. It’s important that the decision feels like a shared one, and that both of you feel heard and respected in the process. If you continue to feel uneasy about contributing, it’s okay to set boundaries and negotiate a more balanced solution. This is about ensuring that you both maintain a healthy financial and emotional balance in your relationship. By being honest and compassionate with each other, you can find a way forward that works for both of you, without compromising your own well-being.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

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Relationship
My husband left me physically 5 years back and mentally many years back. He is not interested in emotional connection. His only interest with me was unnatural sex which after years I started denying it and he left me. I have two kids, a daughter and a son. Though my kids staying with me, for their education and other needs, they are always supportive to their father and never give any emotional support to me. He has taken the educational fee of both the children, other day to day expenses are taken by myself. My daughter never wants both of us to live together and always shows arrogance to me. She is 24 years now. She moved away recently to abroad for studying, keeping the house where we stay on loan. My son also wish to do higher studies staying in hostel. He is 18 years now. My parents are not supportive to me. I had a very abused and tortured childhood. My husband and children knew about it. I was rank holder in my school but still I could not pursue my dream profession due to domestic violence. I had just completed a useless bachelors degree before marriage. I struggled a lot to study after marriage and did small jobs at different companies. I get up at 4am and start my work till late night. I tried to be perfect in everything what I do. But I have low confidence and self esteem. I could not reach anywhere. I know how to study to get good score, so I helped my kids in their studies. They did well but after that they dumped me. My husband was also a lazy person initially, wasted all his money, never know savings. He was a 12th failure but a good artist and a good chain smoker who earned a lot of money through freelance. With constant push he started investing and bought a house. He has some investments, so now he is not working and left me and living alone. I don't know if he has someone else with him. He also dumped me. I am sad and feeling useless. I am not able to help my self. I have mood swings, not able to concentrate in anything. I want to look for a new job but I find myself incapable and doing nothing. I don't think anyone can help me, because everyone indicating its all my fault, or at least I think so. I have to start a job immediately but I am feeling helpless. please help
Ans: Dear Leena,
The weight of rejection from your husband and the lack of emotional support from your children are wounds that take time to heal. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and lost right now. What’s important is recognizing that these feelings don’t define who you are or your worth. Your struggles do not negate the fact that you are capable, intelligent, and deserving of happiness and fulfillment.

You have already shown that you are resourceful and capable by managing the household, guiding your children in their education, and supporting them financially. While you may feel stuck and unsure of where to begin, it’s crucial to start small and focus on one step at a time. This could mean reaching out for help from a therapist or counselor who can guide you through rebuilding your self-esteem and addressing the emotional pain you’ve carried for so long. A professional can provide a safe space to unpack the hurt and help you rediscover your confidence.

When it comes to finding a job, it’s natural to feel insecure, especially after years of self-doubt. Remember that every small effort counts. Consider looking for roles where your skills—like organization, perseverance, and the ability to mentor and teach—can be valuable. You helped your children excel in their studies, and that’s no small feat. Perhaps tutoring, administrative work, or even roles that involve mentoring could be a starting point. Allow yourself to take it one step at a time without the pressure of achieving perfection right away.

It’s also important to create space for self-compassion. You’ve been so focused on meeting everyone else’s needs that it’s easy to lose sight of your own. Even small acts of kindness toward yourself, like a daily walk, journaling your thoughts, or listening to music, can help you reconnect with yourself. You deserve to feel loved and valued, even if that love starts from within.

This period of transition may feel lonely, but it can also be an opportunity to redefine what you want for yourself. It’s not too late to pursue a path that brings you fulfillment and peace. Remember, your worth is not determined by others’ opinions or actions but by the strength and kindness you continue to show despite everything. You’re not alone, and it’s okay to reach out for help as you begin this new chapter of your life.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 09, 2024Hindi
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I'm 32M, married. Mine one's an arranged marriage. Since starting the equation between my wife and my mother is not good. I work in a govt job and was posted elsewhere. I got the opportunity to get transferred to my hometown but my wife threatened me to give divorce if I want to live with my mother. I tried to convince her but she did not listen. Pressurized by this I got myself transferred to a different place. This guilt is killing me inside that I'm not a good son and not taking care of my old age mother while I had the chance. I know I made a mistake. Plz help.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is not about being a “bad son” or a “bad husband,” but rather about being caught in a situation where compromises feel inevitable. You made a decision under pressure, but that doesn’t mean it’s irreversible or that you’ve failed in your responsibilities. You’re human, and it’s okay to feel conflicted while trying to manage such complex relationships.

Consider opening a dialogue with your wife again, but this time, approach it with calmness and empathy. Share your feelings with her—not as a demand or a confrontation, but as an expression of your inner struggle. For example, you could say, “I’ve been feeling torn because I want to be a good husband and also take care of my mother in her old age. This is important to me, and I’d like us to find a way where both relationships can thrive.” By framing the conversation this way, you’re inviting her to understand your perspective rather than pressuring her to agree with you.

It might also help to explore compromises. Could you visit your mother more often or ensure she has a strong support system nearby? Could your wife’s concerns about living with your mother be addressed through clear boundaries or adjustments that make her feel more comfortable? Understanding her reservations can open the door to finding solutions that work for both of you.

At the same time, work on forgiving yourself for the decision you made under difficult circumstances. Guilt is a sign that you care deeply, but it shouldn’t paralyze you or define your worth. Instead, use it as motivation to create a plan that honors both your mother and your wife in ways that are practical and sustainable.

Seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist could be immensely helpful in navigating these emotions and improving communication between you and your wife. A neutral third party can help both of you feel heard and respected while working toward a resolution.

Remember, you’re not alone in this. Many people face similar challenges in balancing their roles within a family. What matters most is your willingness to approach the situation with compassion, patience, and a commitment to finding a path forward that respects everyone involved—including yourself.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 25, 2024Hindi
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My husband has been cheating on me. I recently discovered a receipt of payment that was unusual of my husband's regular activities. I called the shop and realised that the payment was genuine and it was made by my husband who was accompanied by a young lady. Since then, I have had sleepless nights. I have been wanting to talk to him but I am not mentally prepared to hear his side of the story. If he admits, it would mean our long years of marriage is over. If he denies, it would mean he is lying to me. However, there is a part of me that wants to trust him and give him some benefit of doubt. I have a 12 year old daughter. If he admits to having an affair, this news can break both of us. Pls help.
Ans: Start by acknowledging your feelings without judgment. The anxiety, sleepless nights, and fear are natural responses to such uncertainty. Allow yourself space to process these emotions. You don’t have to rush into confronting your husband until you feel emotionally steady enough to handle the conversation, regardless of the outcome. Sometimes, writing down your thoughts and questions can help organize your feelings and prepare you for the discussion.

It’s also important to consider your goals for the marriage and your family. Ask yourself what you need to feel secure and respected in the relationship. If you decide to confront him, do so with the intention of seeking understanding and clarity, not immediate resolution. This will allow you to approach the conversation with as much calm as possible.

When you're ready to speak with him, choose a time and place where you both can have a private, uninterrupted conversation. Start by expressing your feelings honestly but without accusations. For example, you might say, "I came across this receipt, and it’s been weighing heavily on me. I want to understand because I value our marriage and our family." This sets the tone for a constructive dialogue rather than an argument.

Prepare yourself for his response, whatever it may be. If he admits to wrongdoing, it will hurt, but it will also give you the clarity to decide what comes next—whether that’s working through the betrayal or choosing a different path. If he denies it, try to assess whether his explanation feels genuine or dismissive. Trust your instincts, but also give yourself time to reflect before making any major decisions.

If the uncertainty continues to eat away at you, seeking support from a counselor or therapist can be invaluable. A professional can help you process your emotions, clarify your priorities, and guide you in deciding what is best for you and your daughter. Protecting your emotional well-being is vital, as it will also help you maintain stability for your child during this challenging time.

Remember that trust and honesty are the cornerstones of any healthy relationship. Whether the truth strengthens your bond or pushes you to reconsider your future together, it’s essential to prioritize your self-respect and emotional health. You are not alone in this, and with time and support, you can navigate this difficult moment with resilience and clarity.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Relationship
Hi, I am a 36yo guy. Married and have 2 beautiful kids. I am a naturally happy person in life and have achieved reasonable success through my hard work. From last 3 years i am in love with a married girl who works at an office near my workplace. We two believe that we are best suited for each other in every aspect i.e. mental, emotional and physical. We share a great chemistry that we never felt with our respective spouses. We decided that we both cant leave our spouses because of our kids. But very often she keeps on getting crazy and tortures and taunts me that i love my wife more and doesnt give value to her. She is mostly unhappy about this in her life and many times abuses me when she sees that i am a naturally happy and content person. I have even told her that if she wants we can take divorce from our spouses and move-in together. But she never accepts that also and keeps on making my life hard. But i do believe that we both love each other like crazy and my sexual life with her is just out of this world. I have a very high libido and she satisfies me like no other girl. My question is how can i make her sane and make her trust me that i am more inclined towards her?
Ans: Dear Avinash,You need to reflect deeply on what you want for yourself, your children, and your relationships in the long term. If staying married to your wife and continuing to co-parent is your priority, it’s essential to acknowledge the constraints that this imposes on your extramarital relationship. The happiness you find with this woman is tempered by the circumstances, and it might not be possible to meet her emotional needs fully in this setup.

A conversation with her that focuses on honesty, boundaries, and expectations is crucial. Acknowledge her pain and insecurities, but also express your limitations and realities. Make it clear what you can and cannot provide in this relationship, and listen to her needs and frustrations without defensiveness. You might need to make a decision about whether this relationship can continue in its current form, given how it’s affecting her mental health and your own peace of mind.

It’s also worth exploring the deeper reasons why you’re drawn to this relationship. Sometimes, connections outside marriage arise as a way of addressing unmet needs or emotional voids in the primary relationship. It might be beneficial to consider counseling for yourself or even with your wife, to explore whether there are aspects of your marriage that can be revitalized or strengthened. Similarly, suggesting therapy for your lover could help her work through her emotions and find balance.

Ultimately, you have to evaluate whether this relationship is sustainable and healthy, not just for the two of you but for everyone in your lives. Love and passion are powerful, but they require a foundation of trust, emotional stability, and shared goals to thrive. If those elements remain elusive, it may be a sign to re-evaluate the relationship’s place in your life.

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Kanchan

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Relationship
I am 57 yrs old man, when ever i try to have sexual relations with my wife she pushes me away and she is not interested in sex she says, she is facing monopouse time. is her behaviour is because of monopousal and will this behavior change ever, i dont want to make sex with other woman.
Ans: Dear Naresh,
Your wife’s behavior is likely connected to these menopausal changes, and it's important to approach this with empathy and understanding. Try to have an open and calm conversation with her, focusing on your feelings and concerns without pressuring her. Let her know that you care about her well-being and that you’re willing to support her through this phase. It's essential to create an environment where she feels comfortable sharing what she’s experiencing physically and emotionally.

You might also consider suggesting a visit to a healthcare professional together. A doctor or therapist can provide insights into managing menopause symptoms and improving intimacy. Sometimes, treatments like hormone therapy, vaginal lubricants, or counseling can make a significant difference.

Remember, intimacy is not just about sex. Emotional closeness, affection, and spending quality time together can help maintain a strong bond. Reconnect in non-sexual ways, like going on dates, having meaningful conversations, or sharing activities you both enjoy. This can help rebuild trust and comfort, making her more open to physical intimacy over time.

While menopause is a natural part of aging, how each woman navigates it varies. Her behavior may change as she adjusts to this new phase of life, especially if she feels supported and understood. Patience, compassion, and a willingness to adapt together will strengthen your relationship and help you navigate this challenge as a team.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Relationship
Hi I am a married man with 2.4 years old daughter and my wife regularly fights with me and puts an allegation on me and blames me a thief and says I take out all her things and she also abuses my mother and at present my mother is staying alone some where and says that my mother should not come back and she fights with me in front of my daughter and uses abusive language and what ever is the situation she brings my mother in between the conversation and starts blaming me. She has thrown her out of the house and always keeps on fighting. I have a fear, that she might leave me or my daughter as I cannot stay without my daughter and she keeps on saying that I do not want to stay with you and after a heated moment she turns normal and again starts abusing me and my mother, and due to this I am not able to concentrate on my job as I keep on thinking all the times about what will happen. Kindly suggest me what should I do as I do not want to keep my daughter’s future on risk as she always keeps on saying that her brother will take care of her and her brother says he will take a different house for her somewhere else and will keep her there as I would also want to highlight that her brothers wife relation is also not good and she does not allows my wife to enter into her house and my mother is law is also disturbed. Kindly suggest me a solution...?
Ans: Dear Amit,
First, recognize that you need to establish a calm and safe environment for your daughter. Witnessing regular fights and hearing abusive language can affect her emotional development. Ensuring her well-being should be your top priority. When disagreements arise, try to de-escalate the situation, even if that means temporarily walking away to avoid heated exchanges. Protecting her from these conflicts will help create a more stable atmosphere.

Your wife's behavior—shifting between anger and normalcy—indicates that there might be underlying issues driving her actions. It could be unresolved frustrations, unmet expectations, or even external stressors affecting her emotions. While her way of expressing these feelings is not constructive, it's important to find a way to understand what’s fueling her anger. Having an open, non-confrontational conversation during a calm moment can be a starting point. Express your concerns about the impact of these fights on your relationship and your daughter, and make it clear that you want to work together to find solutions.

It may also be helpful to involve a neutral third party, such as a counselor or family mediator. A professional can provide a safe space for both of you to express your grievances and work on resolving them constructively. It sounds like trust and respect have eroded in your relationship, and rebuilding them requires mutual effort and clear communication.

At the same time, focus on managing your stress and mental health. The constant worry about the future and your daughter's well-being is understandably affecting your ability to concentrate on work. Practice self-care through activities that help you stay grounded, whether it’s exercise, meditation, or speaking with a trusted friend or counselor about your feelings. Taking care of yourself will help you approach these challenges with a clearer mind.

If your wife continues to threaten to leave or involve her family in ways that disrupt your peace, it’s important to consider all legal and practical options to protect your rights and ensure the best for your daughter. Consult a legal advisor to understand your rights as a father and the steps you can take to secure your daughter’s future if separation becomes unavoidable.

Ultimately, resolving this situation will require patience, empathy, and, most importantly, a focus on what’s best for your child. If both you and your wife are willing to work on the relationship, there is hope for improvement. However, if the environment remains toxic despite your efforts, prioritizing your daughter's emotional and physical safety should guide your decisions moving forward.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 22, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hii mam, since i year i am in relationship with him but nowadays fighting are increased in between both of us so what we should do and we both are responsible for the fight cause we both over react for small things
Ans: It’s common for fights to increase in a relationship when emotions are high and both partners overreact to small issues. This pattern often stems from unresolved emotions, stress, or a lack of effective communication. The good news is that recognizing this dynamic means you're already taking the first step toward improvement.

Start by reflecting on the triggers for your arguments. Think about what situations or topics usually lead to conflicts and whether they arise from unmet needs, miscommunications, or external stressors. Understanding the root causes can help you both address the real issues rather than reacting to the surface level.

When emotions run high, it’s easy to say or do things in the heat of the moment that you later regret. To prevent this, both of you can practice pausing during disagreements. Agree on a signal or phrase to use when things start to escalate, giving each other space to cool down before continuing the conversation. This approach allows you to respond calmly rather than reacting impulsively.

Another important step is to focus on improving how you communicate. Instead of placing blame or using accusatory language, express your feelings using "I" statements. For example, say, "I feel hurt when this happens" instead of "You always do this." This small shift can reduce defensiveness and encourage understanding.

It’s also crucial to nurture the positive aspects of your relationship. Make time for activities that you both enjoy and that bring you closer, whether it’s a shared hobby, a walk, or simply having an uninterrupted conversation. These moments of connection can help balance out the tension from disagreements.

Finally, remember that resolving conflicts takes patience and teamwork. It’s not about determining who’s right or wrong but about finding solutions that work for both of you. If you feel stuck or find that the fights are becoming overwhelming, consider seeking guidance from a counselor or therapist. A neutral third party can help you both understand your patterns and develop healthier ways to handle conflicts, ensuring the relationship grows stronger.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |458 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 29, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 20, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello madam, I have been a 40-year-old married man for the last 12 years with 2 children. 6 months back I learned from call logs that my wife was in constant touch on mobile calls with another person. This stretched for 7-8 months. I confronted my wife, who assured me she would not call the person. She also informed me that she was only casually talking with the guy and nothing sexual was involved. She was speaking 2-3 times on a daily basis and call time was extended for more than 14-20 minutes. We had done counselling also and are now fine but my mind is refusing to forgive the person or my wife and sometimes I get stressed heavily and feeling anxious just thinking that my wife of 12 years had tried to move away and don't know whether such thing would get repeated.
Ans: It’s important to recognize that rebuilding trust requires effort from both partners. While counseling has helped you both move forward to some extent, it seems like the emotional impact on you hasn’t been fully addressed. This lingering anxiety and inability to forgive suggest unresolved pain and a need for deeper understanding. It might help to revisit these feelings with a professional who can focus on your perspective and guide you in processing them without blame or judgment.

Communicating openly with your wife about your fears, without accusing her, is key. Let her know how this experience continues to affect you emotionally. Explain that your concern isn’t just about what happened but also about preventing anything similar in the future. Focus on creating shared boundaries that promote trust and transparency, such as discussing emotional needs and maintaining openness about external friendships.

It’s also essential to work on reducing the anxiety that surfaces when these thoughts arise. Practice grounding techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness exercises to help calm your mind when you feel overwhelmed. Remind yourself of the positive steps you’ve both taken since the incident and the commitment you share to rebuild the relationship. By focusing on the progress you’re making as a couple, you can gradually shift your thoughts away from the past and toward a more secure future.

Finally, forgiveness is a process, not a destination. It doesn’t mean forgetting or minimizing what happened; rather, it’s about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment so that you can move forward with clarity. Take things one day at a time, and allow yourself the space to heal without pressuring yourself to “move on” before you’re ready. Trust can be rebuilt, but it requires patience, communication, and consistent effort from both partners.

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