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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 18, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 29, 2024Hindi
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Hello sir I am 43 and from 2017 monthly invested sbi mf 5000 Kotak small cap fund 2500 mirae asset elss 2500 icic pru 2500 and sbi blue chip 1500.. currenly hve salary 1.35 lakh and have obligation of Rs 55 k monthly.. ppf 10000 monthly invest and 5000 nps investment if you suggest better please guid future gol of monthly 1.50 lkh

Ans: Your consistent monthly investments since 2017 reflect admirable financial discipline. Let's review your current investments and suggest potential adjustments to align with your future goals.

Review of Current Investments
1. SBI MF Monthly Investment:

Allocation: ?5,000 monthly.
Assessment: SBI Bluechip Fund may offer stability and consistent returns, suitable for long-term wealth creation.
2. Kotak Small Cap Fund:

Allocation: ?2,500 monthly.
Assessment: Small cap funds offer high growth potential but come with higher risk due to volatility.
3. Mirae Asset ELSS:

Allocation: ?2,500 monthly.
Assessment: ELSS funds provide tax benefits with potential for equity market growth. Suitable for long-term goals.
4. ICICI Pru Fund:

Allocation: ?2,500 monthly.
Assessment: Depending on the specific fund, ICICI Pru offers a range of options catering to different risk profiles.
5. SBI Blue Chip Fund:

Allocation: ?1,500 monthly.
Assessment: Provides exposure to bluechip companies, offering stability and steady returns.
6. PPF and NPS Investments:

Allocation: ?10,000 in PPF and ?5,000 in NPS monthly.
Assessment: PPF and NPS offer tax benefits and retirement savings, contributing to long-term financial security.
Potential Adjustments and Suggestions
1. Review of Existing Funds:

Performance Check: Evaluate the performance of your current funds against benchmarks and peers.
Risk Assessment: Consider your risk tolerance and investment horizon when assessing the suitability of each fund.
2. Optimal Allocation:

Strategic Rebalancing: Consider rebalancing your portfolio to align with your financial goals and risk tolerance.
Diversification: Aim for a well-diversified portfolio across asset classes and investment styles.
3. Additional Investments:

Increase Monthly Contributions: Since you aim to increase your monthly investment to ?1.50 lakh, consider allocating the additional funds strategically.
Asset Allocation: Ensure a balanced allocation across equity, debt, and other asset classes based on your risk profile and financial goals.
4. Professional Guidance:

Engage a Certified Financial Planner (CFP): Seek personalized advice from a CFP to optimize your portfolio and ensure it aligns with your long-term objectives.
Financial Planning: A CFP can help create a comprehensive financial plan considering your income, expenses, goals, and risk tolerance.
Final Thoughts
Your current investment strategy demonstrates a commitment to long-term wealth creation and financial security. To optimize your portfolio for your future goal of increasing your monthly investment to ?1.50 lakh, consider reviewing the performance of your existing funds and making strategic adjustments. Seeking professional guidance from a Certified Financial Planner can provide valuable insights and ensure your investments are on track to meet your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 29, 2024Hindi
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I am 33 years and earn around 1Lakh per month. Below are my investments. I want to have a good retirement corpus before 50 or monthly income for 50k 1. Axis ELSS Tax Saver Fund - 15th Dec 2018 - 2500 PM - 1.23L invested till now - paused now as ELSS not needed 2. Tata Small Cap Fund - 28th Aug 2021 -2500PM - 72.49k invested till now 3. UTI Nifty 50 Index Fund - 10th Mar 2023 - 2500PM - 43.99k invested till now 4. Axis Bluechip Fund - 21st Aug 2019 - 2500 PM - 1.32L invested till now 5. Nippon India Growth Fund - 10th Apr 2023 - 2500 PM - 33.87k invested till now 6. Axis Small Cap Fund - 28th Aug 2021 - 2500 PM - 72.49k invested till now 7. Axis Nifty 100 Index Fund - 15th Mar 2024 - 420 PM - 1.8k invested till now 8. Zerodha Nifty LargeMidcap 250 Index Fund - 2221 Lumpsum 9. DSP ELSS Tax Saver Fund - 32.49k Lumpsum 10. Bank of India ELSS Tax Saver - 36.99k Lumpsum Apart from this i invest 50000 in NPS annually. PPF 1500 annually since 2018 have 2 Flats of approx 45lakh each and have a pending loan of 23lakh for one. kindly suggest.
Ans: Your diligent approach towards investing and financial planning at 33 sets a strong foundation for achieving your retirement goals. Let's analyze your current investments and outline a strategy to build a robust retirement corpus or secure a monthly income stream by age 50.

Assessing Investment Portfolio
Your diversified investment portfolio comprising Equity Linked Savings Schemes (ELSS), mutual funds, index funds, and other tax-saving instruments reflects a proactive approach towards wealth accumulation. Let's evaluate each component to optimize your retirement strategy.

Equity Investments: Building Long-Term Growth Potential
Equity-oriented funds such as Axis ELSS Tax Saver Fund, Tata Small Cap Fund, Axis Bluechip Fund, and others offer exposure to diversified market segments, aiming for capital appreciation over the long term. While these funds carry market risk, they historically outperform traditional investment avenues over extended periods.

Index Funds: Cost-Effective and Passive Growth
Index funds like UTI Nifty 50 Index Fund and Axis Nifty 100 Index Fund provide broad market exposure while minimizing expense ratios and active management fees. Their passive investment approach mirrors market performance, offering steady growth potential with lower volatility compared to actively managed funds.

Real Estate Holdings: Tangible Asset Accumulation
Owning two flats valued at approximately ?45 lakhs each provides tangible asset accumulation and potential rental income streams. However, considering the pending loan of ?23 lakhs, it's essential to evaluate the overall debt exposure and assess the feasibility of leveraging rental income towards loan repayment.

Supplementary Retirement Contributions: NPS and PPF
Your annual contributions of ?50,000 to NPS and regular investments in PPF demonstrate a disciplined savings approach towards retirement planning. Both NPS and PPF offer tax benefits and long-term wealth accumulation potential, complementing your equity and real estate investments.

Crafting Retirement Strategy
Optimize Equity Portfolio: Consider reviewing your equity portfolio to ensure alignment with your risk tolerance and long-term goals. Periodic rebalancing and diversification across market caps and sectors can mitigate risk and enhance returns.

Evaluate Real Estate Holdings: Assess the rental income potential of your flats and explore options to expedite loan repayment. Strategic debt management can unlock additional cash flows and bolster your retirement savings.

Maximize Tax-Efficient Investments: Leverage tax-saving instruments like ELSS, NPS, and PPF to optimize tax benefits while accelerating retirement savings. Regular contributions and systematic investment planning amplify wealth accumulation potential over time.

Monitor and Adjust: Regularly review your investment portfolio, track performance metrics, and adapt strategies based on changing market dynamics and personal circumstances. Seeking professional guidance can provide valuable insights and optimize investment decisions.

Conclusion
With a proactive approach and diversified investment strategy, achieving your retirement goals before age 50 is within reach. By leveraging equity, real estate, and tax-efficient savings avenues, coupled with prudent portfolio management and strategic debt optimization, you can pave the way towards a secure and fulfilling retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP
Chief Financial Planner
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 15, 2024Hindi
Money
Good day Sir, I am 37 years old, I own a 2 bhk house in panvel and car which is debt free. Currently I do not have any ongoing loan. I am a seafarer , I sail for around 7 months on ships and 5 months on land, while on land I do not have any income. My salary package is 65 lakhs/year. My investments are as below. I wish to be invested in LIC for 15 years till the maturity date. LIC FAMILY PLAN - Investment started in Au2024 - with quaterly plan total of 57700/quater 1. LIC JEEVAN LABH 836 SELF 2. LIC JEEVAN LABH 836 WIFE 3.LIC JEEVAN TARUN -834 1ST CHILD 4. LIC JEEVAN TARUN - 834 2ND CHILD Above is for 15 years for self and wife and for children it is 20 years maturity date. Mutual funds - Planning to be invested only for 10 years. 1.HDFC LIFE SAMPOORN NIVESH-HEFC FLEXI CAP FUND , TAKEN FOR SLEF -INVESTING 2.0LAKHS/YEAR FOR 5 YEARS., INVESTMENT STARTED IN JAN 2024, WITH 5 YEARS LOCKIN PERIOD. 2. MAX LIFE NIFTY SMALLCAP QUALITY INDEX FUND. TAKEN FOR WIFE. INVESTED 2.0 LAKHS/ YEAR INVESTED IN JAN 2024 WITH 5 YEARS OF LOCKIN PERIOD. 3.SBI CONTRA FUND REGULAR GROWTH - LUMPSUM , INVESTED 50K IM DEC 2023. SIP's Planning to be invested for 10 to 15 years 1.Kotak small cap fund 2500/ month 2.axis bluecip fund 2500/ month 3.Edelwesis mid cap fund 2500/ month 4.Canara MF 2500/Month 5.ICICI Prudential INDIA opportunities fund 2500/ month 6.ICICI Prudential Blue chip fund 2000/month 7.Tata small cap fund 3000/ month 8 Tata ethical fund regular plan growth 5000/month.. 9.SBI large and midcap regular growth 800/ week 10.SBI small cap fund direct growth 10000/month 11.SBI Automative opportunities fund dire t plan growth 5000/ month. Sharemarket Parga parek 50k INR shares. Crypto- 1 lakhs investment. Request you to reveiw my investment, I am planning to have a corpus of 10 crore till i retire, which i will be planning till the age of 45 to 50 years. I have 2 son, current age are 7 years and 5 years. Also want to build a good corpus for there education. Also in next 2 years i will be planning to build emergency funds around 10 lakhs, and that i wish to park in liquid funds, so i will be able to get some minimum growth. I also have mediclaim of 40k per year for my family. Term plan for 2 cr. As per my retirment planning is the above investment enough to grow 10cr in next 13 years. Thanks and warm regards Ramiz
Ans: Hello Ramiz,

It's great to see your detailed investment strategy. You have made significant strides in planning for your future and your family. Your current investment portfolio is diverse and well-structured. Given your goal of accumulating a corpus of Rs 10 crore by the age of 50, let's review your investments to ensure they align with your objectives.

Current Investment Overview
Life Insurance Policies
You have invested in several LIC plans for yourself, your wife, and your children. While LIC policies provide financial security and maturity benefits, they often offer lower returns compared to other investment avenues.

Mutual Funds
Your mutual fund investments are a mix of equity and hybrid funds, with a focus on long-term growth. This is a good approach as equity mutual funds tend to provide higher returns over the long term.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs)
Your SIPs are spread across various fund categories, including small cap, mid cap, and blue chip funds. This diversification helps mitigate risk while aiming for significant returns.

Stock Market and Cryptocurrencies
Investing in the stock market and cryptocurrencies adds another layer of diversification. However, these investments come with higher volatility and risk.

Emergency Fund and Insurance
Planning to build an emergency fund of Rs 10 lakhs in liquid funds is wise. Your mediclaim policy and term plan ensure financial protection for your family.

Review and Recommendations
Life Insurance Policies
LIC policies are secure but may not offer the best returns for wealth creation. Considering the lock-in period and the lower returns, you might want to reassess these investments.

Consider Surrendering Policies: You could surrender some LIC policies and reinvest the proceeds into mutual funds or SIPs with higher growth potential. This can accelerate your corpus building.
Mutual Funds
Your mutual fund investments are generally well-chosen. However, let's focus on maximizing their potential.

Actively Managed Funds Over Index Funds: Actively managed funds have the potential to outperform the market, unlike index funds which mirror market performance. Your mutual funds should remain actively managed to benefit from professional expertise and potential higher returns.

Regular Plans Over Direct Funds: Regular plans offer access to professional advice through Certified Financial Planners (CFP), which can be beneficial for making informed decisions and navigating market complexities.

SIPs
Your SIP investments are well-diversified, which is excellent for balancing risk and return. Here are some additional thoughts:

Continue Diversification: Your SIPs in small cap, mid cap, and blue chip funds ensure a balanced risk profile. Continue this strategy to maintain growth and stability.

Review Performance Regularly: Keep an eye on the performance of your SIPs and make adjustments as needed. This ensures your investments stay aligned with market conditions and your goals.

Stock Market and Cryptocurrencies
While these are high-risk investments, they can yield high returns. Here's how to approach them:

Limit Exposure: Given their volatility, limit your exposure to stocks and cryptocurrencies to a small percentage of your overall portfolio. This will protect your capital while allowing for potential growth.

Stay Informed: Keep abreast of market trends and news related to your stock and crypto investments. This will help you make timely decisions and mitigate risks.

Emergency Fund
Building an emergency fund in liquid funds is a sound strategy. Liquid funds provide easy access to your money and offer some returns.

Regular Contributions: Make regular contributions to your emergency fund until you reach your Rs 10 lakhs goal. This disciplined approach ensures you are prepared for any financial contingencies.
Insurance
Your current insurance coverage seems adequate. The mediclaim policy and term plan provide necessary financial protection.

Review Coverage: Periodically review your insurance coverage to ensure it meets your family’s needs. Adjust the coverage if necessary to keep pace with inflation and changing life circumstances.
Planning for Children's Education
Building a corpus for your children's education is crucial. Here are some strategies:

Invest in Child-specific Plans: Consider child education plans that offer a mix of equity and debt. These plans are designed to provide significant returns over the long term and ensure funds are available when needed.

Regular Investments: Continue regular investments in SIPs and mutual funds. This will help grow the education corpus systematically.

Consider Education Loans: If required, education loans can supplement your savings and ensure your children receive the best education without financial strain.

Achieving the Rs 10 Crore Goal
To reach your goal of Rs 10 crore by the age of 50, focus on the following strategies:

Increase Investment Amounts
Boost SIP Contributions: Gradually increase your SIP contributions as your income grows. This can significantly enhance your corpus over time.
Optimize Portfolio Returns
High-growth Investments: Allocate a portion of your portfolio to high-growth investments like mid-cap and small-cap funds. These have the potential to offer higher returns.
Monitor and Rebalance
Regular Review: Conduct regular reviews of your investment portfolio. Rebalance it periodically to ensure it remains aligned with your goals and risk tolerance.
Tax Planning
Utilize Tax-saving Instruments: Invest in tax-saving instruments like ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme) to reduce your tax liability and increase your effective returns.

Tax-efficient Withdrawals: Plan your withdrawals in a tax-efficient manner to maximize the amount available for your goals.

Final Insights
Your current investment strategy is robust and well-diversified. By making a few adjustments, you can optimize your portfolio to achieve your financial goals. Focus on high-growth investments, regularly review your portfolio, and ensure your insurance coverage is adequate. With disciplined investing and strategic planning, you are well on your way to achieving your Rs 10 crore target and securing your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
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My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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