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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 14, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Srinivasan Question by Srinivasan on Jul 14, 2024Hindi
Money

Hello Sir, I am Srinivas. 53 years. I have 5 years service remaining. I have 1.4 crores in FD. On retirement, I can get 2 crores from PF, Superannuation & Gratuity. I do not have any loans. I can save 1.3 lakhs per month till my retirement. I have a son working. I need to keep 10 lakhs for his wedding. I have 2 flats - one given on rent & getting 1.5 lakhs per year on rent. I need 1 lakh per month for regular expenses. How I need to plan my finance considering my retirement. Request your advice. Thanks.

Ans: Hello Srinivas,

Firstly, it's commendable that you have planned ahead and saved significantly. Let's explore the best strategies to ensure a comfortable and secure retirement for you.

Current Financial Snapshot
You are 53 years old with five years until retirement. Here’s a quick overview of your current financial position:

Fixed Deposits: Rs 1.4 crores
Expected Retirement Corpus: Rs 2 crores from PF, Superannuation, and Gratuity
Monthly Savings Potential: Rs 1.3 lakhs
Monthly Expenses: Rs 1 lakh
Rental Income: Rs 1.5 lakhs per year
Upcoming Expense: Rs 10 lakhs for your son's wedding
No existing loans
This is a solid financial foundation. However, strategic planning will help ensure it lasts throughout your retirement.

Evaluating Fixed Deposits
Fixed Deposits (FDs) provide security and assured returns, but they often yield lower returns compared to other investment options. While FDs can be part of your portfolio for safety and liquidity, over-relying on them might not be the most efficient strategy for growth.

Transition to Actively Managed Funds
Given the disadvantages of index funds, such as lower potential returns and lack of active management, actively managed mutual funds are a preferable alternative. These funds can potentially offer higher returns through professional management. Regular funds, where you invest through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), come with the added benefit of expert guidance and personalized strategies, ensuring that your investments are well-aligned with your financial goals.

Monthly Savings Allocation
You can save Rs 1.3 lakhs per month until retirement. Here’s how you could allocate these savings:

Mutual Funds: Diversify your investment across large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. This balance can provide stability while also leveraging growth opportunities. Actively managed funds should be the focus here.

Balanced Funds: These funds invest in a mix of equity and debt, providing growth potential with lower volatility. They can be a good addition for risk management.

Debt Funds: Considering your approaching retirement, debt funds can offer stable returns with lower risk, complementing the more aggressive equity investments.

Building a Retirement Corpus
By the time you retire, you will have accumulated a significant corpus. Let's detail how to manage this:

Existing Savings and Expected Corpus
Current FD: Rs 1.4 crores
Monthly Savings for 5 Years: Rs 1.3 lakhs x 60 months = Rs 78 lakhs
Retirement Benefits: Rs 2 crores
This totals to approximately Rs 4.18 crores (excluding interest and returns on investments).

Creating a Withdrawal Strategy
A well-planned withdrawal strategy is crucial to ensure that your retirement corpus lasts. Here are some steps:

Emergency Fund: Set aside an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. This fund should be kept in liquid assets like a savings account or a liquid mutual fund.

Monthly Expenses: Your monthly expense requirement is Rs 1 lakh. With your current corpus, you need to ensure this amount is sustainably withdrawn without depleting your funds prematurely.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Invest a portion of your corpus in mutual funds and use an SWP to receive a fixed monthly income. This can provide regular cash flow while allowing the remaining investment to grow.

Rental Income: You have rental income of Rs 1.5 lakhs per year. Consider this as supplementary income for unexpected expenses or lifestyle enhancements.

Managing Your Son’s Wedding Expense
You have planned Rs 10 lakhs for your son's wedding. Here’s how to manage this without disrupting your financial plan:

Short-Term Investment: Place this amount in a short-term debt fund or a fixed deposit. This will keep the funds safe and liquid, ready for use when needed.

Liquid Funds: These funds can provide slightly better returns than a savings account and are easily accessible for large expenses like a wedding.

Ensuring Healthcare Security
Healthcare costs can be significant during retirement. Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage:

Health Insurance: Review your current health insurance policies. Consider enhancing your coverage if needed, given rising medical costs.

Critical Illness Insurance: This can provide a lump sum amount upon diagnosis of a critical illness, safeguarding your retirement corpus.

Estate Planning
Estate planning ensures that your assets are distributed according to your wishes and can also provide for your dependents after your passing. Consider the following:

Will: Draft a will to clearly state how you want your assets distributed. This can prevent legal disputes and ensure your family is taken care of.

Nominees and Beneficiaries: Ensure that all your investments, insurance policies, and bank accounts have updated nominees.

Adjusting Investments Post-Retirement
Upon retirement, your investment strategy should shift towards preservation and income generation. Here’s how to adjust:

Shift to Debt-Oriented Investments: Move a significant portion of your corpus into debt-oriented instruments to reduce risk. This includes debt mutual funds, fixed deposits, and government bonds.

Income Funds: These funds focus on generating regular income with lower risk. They can be a reliable source of monthly income.

Hybrid Funds: These funds invest in both equity and debt, offering a balance of growth and stability. They can be a part of your post-retirement portfolio.

Addressing Inflation
Inflation can erode your purchasing power over time. It’s essential to factor this into your retirement planning:

Equity Exposure: Maintain a small portion of your investments in equity even after retirement. Equities typically provide higher returns, helping to combat inflation.

Real Estate Income: Your rental income can also increase over time, providing a hedge against inflation.

Reviewing and Rebalancing
Regular review and rebalancing of your portfolio are crucial to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals:

Annual Reviews: Conduct an annual review of your investments and financial plan. This helps to make necessary adjustments based on performance and changing needs.

Rebalancing: Adjust the asset allocation of your portfolio periodically to maintain the desired balance between risk and return.

Final Insights
Srinivas, you have a strong foundation and clear goals. With careful planning and disciplined investing, you can ensure a financially secure and comfortable retirement. Diversify your investments, focus on actively managed funds, and regularly review your portfolio.

It's also essential to maintain a balance between growth and safety, ensuring that your funds last throughout your retirement. Seek the guidance of a Certified Financial Planner to refine and implement these strategies effectively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 01, 2024

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Good day Mr Ramalingam, I am 43 years in govt service PGrade 12A and scheduled to retire in 2036. I have a pensionable service. I have 2 children- son is 14 years who want to join Merchant Navy or study law after 10 + 2. My daughter is 9 yrs and has 65% disabilities. I own a house worth 50 L for which i have a HBL till 2032 and pay 30000 EMI. I have MF of 9 L and invest 15k monthly. I get a monthly rent of 16 k from my house. I have no rental outflow as i stay in govt accommodation. I invest monthly 2 K in SSY which has a balance of 2L. I have 3 LICs which will mature in 2030-35 and give value of 30-40 L. My wife has a house from her father worth 50 L but the rent is being used by her father. Pl advice me how to plan my finances till 2036 and thereafter post retirement.
Ans: Given your financial situation and goals, here's a comprehensive plan to manage your finances till retirement in 2036 and beyond:

Evaluate LIC Policies: Assess the terms and conditions of your LIC policies to determine if surrendering them is a viable option. Consider factors like surrender value, potential penalties, and the returns you could get from alternative investments.
Education Planning for Children:
For your son: If he wants to join the Merchant Navy or study law, start setting aside funds for his education accordingly. Consider investment options like mutual funds or education-specific savings plans to ensure you have sufficient funds when needed.
For your daughter: Given her disability, prioritize setting up a special needs trust or account to ensure she's financially supported throughout her life.
Retirement Planning:
Calculate your retirement corpus requirement based on your current expenses, expected inflation, and post-retirement lifestyle.
Continue investing in instruments like Mutual Funds (MF) to build a retirement corpus. Since you have a pensionable service, factor in your pension benefits while estimating your retirement income.
Consider diversifying your investments to reduce risk and maximize returns. Consult a financial advisor to tailor an investment strategy that aligns with your risk tolerance and goals.
Real Estate Management:
Continue paying off your Home Loan (HBL) until its maturity in 2032. Consider increasing your EMI payments if possible to shorten the loan tenure and reduce interest payments.
Monitor the rental income from your house and ensure it covers your EMI payments and provides additional income. Consider revising the rent periodically to reflect market rates.
Health and Insurance:
Review your health insurance coverage to ensure it adequately covers your family's medical needs, especially considering your daughter's disability.
Consider purchasing disability insurance to provide financial protection in case of unexpected events.
Post-Retirement Lifestyle:
Estimate your post-retirement expenses, including healthcare, leisure activities, and any additional support your daughter may require.
Explore options for generating passive income post-retirement, such as rental income, dividends from investments, or annuities.
Estate Planning:
Create or update your will to ensure your assets are distributed according to your wishes, taking into account your daughter's special needs.
Consider setting up a trust to manage your assets for the benefit of your daughter and other beneficiaries after your lifetime.
Regular Review and Adjustments:
Regularly review your financial plan to track progress towards your goals and make adjustments as needed, considering changes in income, expenses, and market conditions.
By following these steps and seeking professional financial advice when needed, you can effectively manage your finances till retirement and secure a comfortable future for you and your family.

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 30, 2024

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hello sir, Prem here. I am 60yrs. need the financial planning. Going to retire. I have NPS of 55 lakh, FD of 1.2 Cr, PPF 15lakh, MF 35lakh. Now need the pension 1.5lakh/month. Own house. no loan. all children settled. What to do and how to plan ahead. Please guide step by step. regards
Ans: Dear Prem,

Congratulations on reaching this significant milestone in your life. Retirement is a time to enjoy the fruits of your labor and ensure financial stability. You have a substantial portfolio, and with careful planning, you can achieve your goal of a Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly pension. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you plan ahead.

Assessing Your Current Financial Position
You have a well-diversified portfolio:

NPS: Rs. 55 lakh
Fixed Deposit: Rs. 1.2 crore
PPF: Rs. 15 lakh
Mutual Funds: Rs. 35 lakh
This gives you a total corpus of Rs. 2.25 crore.

Step 1: Evaluate Your Monthly Expenses and Goals
Before we plan the investment, it’s crucial to understand your monthly expenses and financial goals.

Monthly Pension Requirement: Rs. 1.5 lakh
Other Goals: Healthcare, travel, and emergencies
Step 2: Creating an Income Stream
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
SWP from mutual funds can provide a regular income while keeping your investment growing. Here’s how it works:

Select the Mutual Funds: Choose funds that have a good track record and match your risk profile.
Set the Withdrawal Amount: Decide on a fixed amount to withdraw monthly.
Benefit: This method allows you to get regular income while the remaining funds continue to grow.
Annuity from NPS
NPS offers an annuity option, which can provide a steady income. You can allocate a portion of your NPS corpus to an annuity plan. Here’s how:

Use 40% of NPS Corpus: Use at least 40% of your NPS corpus to buy an annuity.
Choose the Right Annuity Plan: Select an annuity plan that offers a lifetime payout.
Benefits: An annuity ensures a guaranteed monthly income for life.
Fixed Deposit and PPF Interest
Fixed Deposit Interest: The interest from your FD can provide a regular income. Reinvest the principal amount at maturity to continue receiving interest.
PPF Withdrawals: After retirement, you can start withdrawing from your PPF account as needed.
Step 3: Allocating Your Corpus
Diversify Your Investments
Debt Instruments: Allocate a portion of your corpus to debt instruments for stable and secure returns. This includes fixed deposits, PPF, and debt mutual funds.
Equity Instruments: To keep up with inflation, maintain a portion in equity mutual funds. This helps in growing your corpus over time.
Example Allocation
Equity Mutual Funds: Rs. 35 lakh (for growth and SWP)
Debt Mutual Funds: Rs. 20 lakh (for stability and SWP)
Fixed Deposits: Rs. 1 crore (for regular interest income)
PPF: Rs. 15 lakh (for secure returns)
NPS Annuity: Rs. 22 lakh (for guaranteed monthly income)
Step 4: Planning for Healthcare and Emergencies
Health Insurance
Ensure you have adequate health insurance to cover medical expenses. This will protect your savings from being depleted due to healthcare costs.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund of at least 6-12 months of your expenses. This should be easily accessible and invested in liquid funds or a savings account.

Step 5: Regularly Review and Adjust Your Plan
Your financial needs and market conditions will change over time. Regularly review your investment plan and adjust it as needed. Here’s how:

Annual Reviews: Conduct annual reviews to assess the performance of your investments.
Rebalance Portfolio: Rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation.
Consult a Certified Financial Planner: A CFP can provide personalized advice and help you create a customized roadmap with specific analysis and calculations.
Benefits of Consulting a Certified Financial Planner
A CFP can help you:

Analyze Your Financial Situation: Assess your current financial status and future needs.
Create a Customized Plan: Develop a tailored plan that aligns with your goals.
Monitor and Adjust: Regularly monitor your investments and make adjustments as needed.
Provide Peace of Mind: Ensure that your financial future is secure and well-planned.
Conclusion
By following these steps, you can create a solid financial plan for your retirement. Diversify your investments, utilize SWP and annuities, and regularly review your plan. Consulting a Certified Financial Planner can provide additional guidance and peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 07, 2024Hindi
Money
hello sir, I am 53 yrs,working in private sector soon to be redundant,(in a year)I have my own house in a appartment my savings are 50 L in FD,s 30 L in Mutual fund ,10L in equity shares.LIC of 10L .3L in as emergency fund,my liabilities are children's education (son in class 10 daughter in class 8. no health insurance(presently company provided)spouse is a housewife please advise me for financial planning including for retirement planning.
Ans: Comprehensive Financial Plan for Redundancy and Retirement
Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
You are 53 years old, working in the private sector, and facing redundancy in a year. You own a house in an apartment and have Rs 50 lakh in fixed deposits, Rs 30 lakh in mutual funds, Rs 10 lakh in equity shares, and Rs 10 lakh in LIC. Additionally, you have Rs 3 lakh as an emergency fund. Your spouse is a housewife, and you have two children in school. You currently lack personal health insurance, relying on company-provided coverage.

Setting Clear Financial Goals
Immediate Goals
Redundancy Preparation: Ensure a smooth financial transition after redundancy.
Health Insurance: Secure comprehensive health insurance for your family.
Short-term Goals
Children's Education: Allocate funds for your children's ongoing and future education needs.
Emergency Fund: Strengthen your emergency fund to cover unforeseen expenses.
Long-term Goals
Retirement Planning: Create a sustainable retirement plan to maintain your lifestyle.
Wealth Preservation and Growth: Ensure your investments continue to grow while preserving capital.
Analyzing Your Current Assets
Fixed Deposits
You have Rs 50 lakh in fixed deposits. While FDs offer safety, their returns may not beat inflation in the long term. Consider rebalancing a portion for higher returns.

Mutual Funds
Your mutual fund portfolio is Rs 30 lakh. Mutual funds are good for long-term growth due to their compounding benefits. Review the performance and diversify if necessary.

Equity Shares
Your equity shares amount to Rs 10 lakh. Equities can provide high returns but come with higher risks. Balance them with safer investments to reduce risk.

LIC Policy
You have an LIC policy with a maturity amount of Rs 10 lakh. Review the policy benefits and consider if it meets your insurance needs.

Emergency Fund
Your emergency fund stands at Rs 3 lakh. Aim to increase this to cover at least 6-12 months of expenses for financial security.

Securing Health Insurance
Comprehensive Health Coverage
With redundancy approaching, securing health insurance is crucial. Opt for a comprehensive family floater plan with a high sum insured to cover medical emergencies.

Preparing for Redundancy
Income Replacement Strategies
Exploring New Opportunities: Start exploring new job opportunities or freelance work to replace your income.
Utilizing Skills and Experience: Leverage your experience for consulting or part-time roles in your industry.
Managing Children's Education Expenses
Creating an Education Fund
Education SIPs: Start a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) in child-specific mutual funds to grow a dedicated education fund.
PPF and Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana: Consider PPF for your son's education and Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana for your daughter, offering tax benefits and secure returns.
Strengthening Your Emergency Fund
Building a Robust Safety Net
Increase your emergency fund to cover at least 6-12 months of living expenses. Use liquid mutual funds or high-yield savings accounts for easy access.

Retirement Planning
Calculating Retirement Corpus
Estimate your post-retirement expenses considering inflation and lifestyle needs. Use retirement calculators to determine the required corpus. For example, if you need Rs 50,000 per month today, with 6% inflation, you’ll need a higher amount in 10 years.

Diversifying Investments
Equity Mutual Funds: Allocate a portion of your savings to equity mutual funds for higher growth potential.
Debt Mutual Funds: Invest in debt funds for stable returns and reduced risk.
Hybrid Funds: Combine equity and debt for balanced growth.
Systematic Withdrawal Plan
Creating a Withdrawal Strategy
Plan a systematic withdrawal strategy from your investments to ensure regular income post-retirement. Consider the 4% rule for sustainable withdrawals.

Tax-efficient Investments
Maximizing Tax Benefits
ELSS Funds: Invest in Equity Linked Savings Scheme for tax-saving benefits under Section 80C.
NPS Contributions: Consider the National Pension System for additional tax benefits under Section 80CCD.
Reviewing and Adjusting Insurance Coverage
Adequate Life Insurance
Ensure your life insurance cover is sufficient to meet your family’s needs in your absence. Term insurance offers high coverage at low premiums. Review your existing LIC policy and consider additional term insurance if necessary.

Diversified Investment Portfolio
Regular Monitoring and Rebalancing
Regularly monitor your investment portfolio and rebalance to align with your financial goals. Adjust asset allocation based on market conditions and personal circumstances.

Professional Guidance
Consulting a Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
Engage a Certified Financial Planner to create a detailed, personalized financial plan. A CFP provides professional insights and strategies tailored to your financial situation and goals.

Final Insights
Securing your financial future involves strategic planning and disciplined investing. Address immediate needs, such as health insurance and redundancy preparation, while building a robust retirement corpus. Regularly review and adjust your investments for optimal growth and risk management. With careful planning, you can achieve financial security and peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 20, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hello Sir, I am 53 years old. Have 5 years of service remaining. I have 1.5 Crores in FD, I can save 16 lakhs per year for another 5 years. I have two houses - one I am staying & another given on rent - getting 13000 per month rent. No outstanding loans. I can get 2 Crores on retirement from PF & gratuity. I have a son working. Our monthly expenses are 80000. My son will get married in another 3 years. My son can save 30000 per month. Please give me directions for my financial planning.
Ans: Current Financial Situation
You are in a solid financial position. You have five years of service remaining. You possess Rs 1.5 crores in fixed deposits. You can save Rs 16 lakhs per year for the next five years. You own two houses, one of which generates Rs 13,000 per month in rent. You have no outstanding loans. Upon retirement, you expect Rs 2 crores from PF and gratuity. Your monthly expenses are Rs 80,000. Your son, who is working, will get married in three years and can save Rs 30,000 per month.

Investment Strategy
Diversifying Fixed Deposits
Debt Funds

Consider moving a portion of your fixed deposits into debt funds. These funds offer higher returns than fixed deposits while maintaining relative safety. Diversify into corporate bond funds and short duration funds to balance risk and returns.

Monthly Income Plans (MIPs)

Monthly Income Plans can be an excellent alternative. They invest in a mix of debt and equity, providing regular income. This can help you generate steady returns while preserving capital.

Planning for Retirement
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Investing Rs 16 lakhs annually through SIPs in diversified mutual funds can build a robust corpus. This strategy provides the benefit of rupee cost averaging, reducing market volatility risk over time.

Retirement Corpus Management
Upon retirement, your Rs 2 crores from PF and gratuity should be managed wisely. Consider allocating this corpus into a mix of debt and balanced funds to generate a regular income stream while ensuring capital protection.

Ensuring Monthly Expenses and Future Needs
Rental Income Utilization
Utilize your rental income of Rs 13,000 per month to supplement your monthly expenses. This reduces the strain on your investment portfolio.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to at least 12 months of expenses. This fund should be easily accessible and can be parked in liquid funds for safety and liquidity.

Planning for Son’s Marriage
Dedicated Marriage Fund
Start a dedicated fund for your son’s marriage. Investing in a balanced mutual fund or a conservative hybrid fund can be a suitable choice. This ensures the required amount is available in three years.

Your Son’s Financial Planning
SIP for Savings
Your son should continue saving Rs 30,000 per month. Investing this amount through SIPs in equity mutual funds can help build a significant corpus over time. This can be beneficial for his future goals, including marriage expenses.

Tax Efficiency
Tax-Saving Instruments
Consider investing in tax-saving instruments like ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme) to reduce your tax liability. This can also provide the added benefit of capital growth.

HRA and Other Deductions
Ensure you are maximizing all available tax deductions, including HRA, 80C, and 80D, to optimize your tax efficiency.

Final Insights
Your financial situation is strong, with a good mix of assets and income streams. Diversifying your fixed deposits into debt funds and MIPs can enhance returns while maintaining safety. Investing systematically through SIPs will build a substantial corpus for retirement. Managing your retirement corpus wisely will ensure a steady income post-retirement. Utilize rental income and maintain an emergency fund for added security. Plan for your son’s marriage with a dedicated fund, and encourage his systematic savings. Ensure tax efficiency through appropriate instruments and deductions. With these strategies, you can achieve financial stability and security.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Latest Questions
Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I am 50 years old and got married 15 years ago. I am a very spontaneous sort of a guy and enjoy life, partying etc. I was also very active socially.My wife being the complete opposite put a stop to all that once we got married. She also does not display any affection and has no interest in physical intimacy. She is just concerned with her housework.We also have lot of differences in mental attitude & intellectual abilities. At no stage will we ever seperate, however, I am unhappy with her nature. She has lot of friends, however is always at daggers drawn with in her in laws. We had to stay separately for 6 months, and I tried looking for love else where, however after a couple of months, I realised, that I missed her. I am in a quandary. Despite requesting her to work on our relationship, I get no response. Please advise on how to proceed.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand you are in a tough spot. But it's nice to see that after all those years of differences, you still have genuine feelings for her. I strongly suggest considering marriage counseling. From your description of your marriage, it seems to be there have been issues from the very beginning of it. It's been too long and now those issues must've become deep-rooted. Seeing a professional can be a game-changer. They can guide you out of this slump more methodically and help you navigate the emotions you are feeling right now. It can also help you understand the reasons for your wife's disinterest and handle it better.

Best Wishes

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Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 02, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hii, I have an love marriage after 9 years of dating and 6 years, 2 children post marriage, my little one is 11 months old now. My husband has an affair upto chatting to someone in his company, his junior but in different department, when my Lil one was 1 month old, we had in a rough patch then due to child birth and family drama. When I saw it and confronted him, he said he is sorry and won't do it again, we had multiple fights for 3-4 months after then due to same reason, but he mostly listen and consol. It's been a lot of mental torture for me. I love my husband a lot and he is a good person, but sometimes sill I see her msg in his phone asking for small helps or casual msg. She is also married. I am not sure my husband deletes msg or what, I am not able to get over this. Before it, this is was preety much a good relationship. I am highly educated and independent women. I don't want anything form my husband apart from love. What should I do, whenever I tell him I want to just leave and let him have his life, he won't let me somehow. We are having a good physical relationship 2-4 times a week( just to tell where we are). Please help me...I can't overcome that he is making fool of me...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am sorry to hear you are in such a tough spot. I would suggest considering marriage counseling. A professional who can help you both tackle these issues would be helpful in this situation. I understand that it was his mistake and he needs to put the effort to make you trust him again, but since you are still together, you will also have to put in the effort to let it. I know it is difficult and that's where marriage counselor comes in. They can help you navigate these feelings. Moreover, if he is indeed hiding something, therapy can help that come out in the open.

Hope this helps.

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Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 10, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi, Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. Partner(F28)continuing friendship with a person[M] who had crush on her before marriage considered emotional infidelity? Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. My wife is having friendship (strictly platonic) with a guy from her 10tlh grade (same class). Before our marriage (she may be doing her college, our relationship just started may be 2 weeks) this guy told her he has genuine interest in her and he want to take the relationship further if she wants, she said she is not interested in a relationship and she got committed, she always saw him as a friend, no other feelings for him and we can be friends if you don't bring any romantic interest again. He never took this talk again ever after and happy to be a friend. They are talking as friends. She got married to me. He also got married. They still do chats once in a month. She introduced me to him and visited his home when we visited his city. He also came to our home once (me and my family was there). She used to update me with chat she had with him and the content they are chatting. I am ok with that When we were talking about our school life and college life 2 years before. She said this guy had crush on her during her college days. I asked her, why did not she tell me this info till now. She said it is not purposely, she does not feel the need to do as the person is not in-appropriate with her and continuing as good friend as promised after she rejected his proposal. I don’t want to create any unnecessary issues as I don’t have any felling or so with him. That time I checked their chats completely, it’s about update about their common friends, their recent travel, their job, meditation courses and the books they read recently. I haven’t seen any flirting or romantic message from either of them. So I am perfectly fine with it and had no problems. I recently came to know about the concept of emotional cheating which is very new to me. Before that cheating to me is only flirting, sexeting and physical sex. I have asked for advice in redddit.com in infedility sub forum about emotional cheating/ emotion affair. There persons are advising like even having friendship with someone who had crush on you is emotional cheating as it is indirectly leading them on you. So with an omission of lie he had crush on her and indirectly leading him on you wife was emotionally cheating on you. This is very much equal to cheating. I do have lots of friends in other gender, but no one had crush on me. Does this count as emotional cheating/affair as she did not mention he had crush on her before marriage? I am little depressed and not able to spend quality time with my wife who is in postpartum depression and take care of our daughter properly as before. Do you guys advise me how to navigate this situation?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Are you really going to ruin your happy relationship based on some new term you have learned recently? Emotional cheating and many more terms of the kind will come and go, what truly matters is the truth. She is merely friends with this guy and for your peace of mind, you have even checked their conversations- what part of it looks like cheating to you? If tomorrow, some random person projecting their own insecurities claims that a man speaking to a woman is some "new form" of cheating, would you start believing that? My point is that these are just random opinions of some people- it isn't the ultimate truth. The entire context matters. This man had a crush on your wife, she rejected it, and now they are just friends. I find absolutely no misconduct or infidelity in this. The fact that none of your friends had a crush on you does not factor in at all. Moreover, your wife is in postpartum depression- that should be your biggest concern but here you are, giving more importance to the random 2 AM thoughts of some people you don't even know. Please rethink if you are being fair to your wife- the mother of your child.

Best Wishes

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 26, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I (30M) am looking for Arranged Marriage Prospects. My Family has found a Prospect (27F) who seems like a Good Match, she's Well Educated, Earning Well & from the same Community. I haven't yet met her in Person, but connected with her on Social Media Platforms & interacting regularly. Recently, I scrolled through her Instagram Profile (It's a Public Profile). She seems to be a very Sociable Person, she has shared many Photos of herself, Partying/Travelling along with her Friends. My Problem is that she seems to like Wearing Clothes which are Revealing. She has shared many Photos/Videos, in which she's skimpily dressed (including some Bikini Photos at Beach/Swimming Pool). She also has a Pierced Navel Ring & Tattoos on some Private Parts like Chest, Hips, Thighs & Lower Back, which she flaunts proudly on Social Media. Though, I am not Judging her Character, based on her Choice of Clothing, but seeing all these made me a little Uncomfortable, as I am a very Modest & Simple Person myself. I have not discussed this issue with my Parents, as they have a very good opinion about her (which I don't want to Ruin). But I've discussed with some of my closest Friends (of both Genders) & some of them have Chided me for being so Judgemental. They suggested me to meet her atleast once in person, to understand what's her Character/Personality like. Shall I give it a try or Reject her Politely at this stage itself, without wasting any more Time (either her or mine)? Or am I being too Superficial to Judge a Woman, just based on her Social Media Profile, without even meeting her once, personally (This is what some of my closest Female Friends opined)? Please suggest me how to proceed with this Prospect in Arranged Marriage.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I know it might come off as you being judgmental of her choice of dressing, but you have a right to form an opinion in your mind, especially since in your case, you might be marrying the person. As long as you are not making up your mind about her based on her dressing, forcing her to dress the way she wants, or thrusting your opinion on her, it's alright. It's human nature to be a bit jerked by the choices others make that we won't make ourselves. Having said that, I believe meeting her once in person can be good for you; you might have a new perspective- both about her and on life. But no one can force you to do either. My suggestion is that do what you think is right- if you are sure you will reject this alliance based on her choice of clothes, even if she is the nicest person on the face of the earth, meeting up might be a waste of time. But if you think you are open to changing your mind, go for it.

I would also like for you to remember one important point if things work out between the two of you- do not try to push your opinions on dressing and change the way she is after getting married. That would not be fair. In case, you start hoping that she will change and fit YOUR mold of the perfect woman, I would strongly suggest keeping that thought in check.

Best Wishes.

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