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53 and Ready to Retire: How Much Will I Need to Live Comfortably Until 85?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7072 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 21, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Oct 20, 2024Hindi
Money

Hello, I m 53 and plan to retire. I have 5cr in FD With 70k monthly rental No loan. Please help me to know what amounts should I need till 85 years

Ans: At 53, you have accumulated Rs. 5 crore in fixed deposits and receive Rs. 70,000 in rental income. This is a strong financial foundation for retirement. You plan to retire now and want to ensure your funds last till the age of 85. Let's break this down and assess how to sustain your lifestyle for the next 30+ years.

Key Retirement Factors to Consider
Before determining how much you will need, several factors need to be evaluated:

Monthly Expenses: We need to know your current monthly expenses. This will give a clearer picture of how much you need each month to maintain your lifestyle.

Inflation: Inflation erodes the value of money over time. A loaf of bread that costs Rs. 50 today could cost Rs. 150 in 20 years. Inflation typically ranges between 6-8% in India.

Life Expectancy: You want to ensure your funds last till the age of 85. This gives you a 32-year retirement horizon. However, it's always good to plan a few years beyond this as a safety net.

Healthcare Costs: Medical expenses typically increase as we age. Ensuring sufficient coverage or savings for unexpected healthcare costs is vital.

Other Goals: Do you have any other financial goals during retirement, such as travel, supporting family members, or pursuing hobbies? These need to be factored into your financial plan.

Understanding these aspects will help tailor a plan that ensures your financial security.

Sustainable Withdrawal Strategy
You currently have Rs. 5 crore in fixed deposits. While fixed deposits provide safety, they might not be enough for the long term when inflation is considered. Over time, the interest from these deposits may not keep up with inflation. You will need a diversified strategy to ensure your money lasts.

Safe Withdrawal Rate: A commonly suggested safe withdrawal rate is 4% per year. This allows your principal to last longer while generating a steady income.

Diversifying Beyond FDs: While Rs. 5 crore in fixed deposits is safe, it’s important to diversify. The returns from FDs alone may not beat inflation. We’ll explore other options like mutual funds, which can offer better long-term growth.

Monthly Rental Income as a Supplement
Your monthly rental income of Rs. 70,000 is a great source of passive income. It reduces the pressure on your investments. Assuming rental income grows by 5-6% per year, this can be a reliable part of your retirement plan. However, you should not rely solely on this income as rentals may fluctuate or even stop.

Rental Growth: Over time, rental income typically grows, but it may also be affected by factors like market conditions and property maintenance.

Diversification of Income: It’s essential to have other income sources, such as from your investments, to support your lifestyle.

Adjusting for Inflation
The impact of inflation on your retirement savings cannot be underestimated. If your current monthly expenses are Rs. 1 lakh, in 20 years, they could rise to Rs. 3-4 lakh due to inflation. Therefore, your investments need to grow at a rate higher than inflation to maintain your purchasing power.

Role of Equities: A portion of your retirement corpus should be invested in equity mutual funds. Equity has the potential to beat inflation over the long term, unlike fixed deposits, which have lower returns.

Balanced Approach: While equity mutual funds can help combat inflation, having too much exposure to equities can be risky during retirement. A balanced approach, with some allocation to equity and some to safer debt mutual funds, can provide growth while maintaining stability.

Tax Implications on Investments
It’s important to consider the tax implications of your investments.

Fixed Deposits: The interest earned on fixed deposits is fully taxable as per your income tax slab. This can significantly reduce your effective returns, especially if you're in a higher tax bracket.

Equity Mutual Funds: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh from equity mutual funds are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%. Equity mutual funds are more tax-efficient than fixed deposits.

Debt Mutual Funds: Debt funds are taxed based on your income tax slab, similar to FDs. However, the benefit of indexation makes debt funds slightly more tax-efficient over the long term.

Creating a Balanced Retirement Portfolio
Given your goal of ensuring financial security till the age of 85, a balanced retirement portfolio is essential. Here’s how you could structure your investments:

Equity Mutual Funds for Growth: A portion of your Rs. 5 crore can be allocated to equity mutual funds. Equity offers better long-term returns, and with a time horizon of 30+ years, you can afford to take some equity exposure. This will help your portfolio grow and combat inflation.

Debt Mutual Funds for Stability: Debt mutual funds provide stable returns with lower risk. They can replace fixed deposits in some parts of your portfolio, offering tax efficiency and better returns.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Instead of withdrawing lump sums, you can set up a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) from your mutual fund investments. This will provide you with regular monthly income and is more tax-efficient than withdrawing from FDs.

Emergency Fund: Keep at least 1-2 years’ worth of expenses in a liquid or ultra-short-term debt fund for emergencies. This ensures liquidity in case of unforeseen expenses.

Health Insurance: Ensure you have adequate health insurance. Medical expenses can rise sharply with age, and having a good insurance plan will protect your savings from being depleted due to healthcare costs.

How Much Do You Need for Retirement?
To calculate the exact amount you’ll need till the age of 85, we need to estimate your monthly expenses, inflation, and expected returns on your investments. However, based on your existing Rs. 5 crore in fixed deposits and Rs. 70,000 in rental income, you’re in a good position to retire comfortably.

If your monthly expenses are around Rs. 1-1.5 lakh today, with a safe withdrawal rate of 4%, your Rs. 5 crore can generate Rs. 16-20 lakh annually. This, combined with your rental income, should cover your expenses for the foreseeable future. However, to ensure this amount lasts, you should diversify and invest in mutual funds to keep up with inflation.

Final Insights
You are financially well-positioned for retirement with Rs. 5 crore in fixed deposits and a steady Rs. 70,000 monthly rental income. However, to ensure your money lasts for the next 30+ years, you should:

Diversify your investments into equity and debt mutual funds to beat inflation.

Use systematic withdrawal plans (SWP) for a steady, tax-efficient monthly income.

Keep a portion in liquid funds for emergencies.

Ensure you have adequate health insurance to cover rising healthcare costs.

By following this approach, you can enjoy a financially secure retirement while ensuring your funds last till the age of 85 and beyond.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
Asked on - Oct 22, 2024 | Answered on Oct 22, 2024
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Thank you for your feedback. Please note the monthly expense currently is 50-52k I have HDFC sanchay par and plus with annual premium of 1 lakh each Just need to know the requirement or corpus required at the age of 85 years with 2 estate investments of 3.3 cr and 5 cr on FD. Thank you
Ans: Based on the information provided, with a current monthly expense of Rs. 50-52k, a total fixed deposit of Rs. 5 crore, and two estate investments valued at Rs. 3.3 crore, you are in a strong financial position. The annual premium of Rs. 1 lakh for HDFC Sanchay Par and Plus policies is also factored in.

To estimate the corpus required at the age of 85, we would need to consider inflation, returns on your FD and other investments, and your future healthcare needs. However, with the assets and income sources mentioned, it appears that your current financial setup should comfortably support your retirement until 85, assuming proper management and adjustments to inflation.

For a detailed, customised analysis based on your exact needs and financial goals, I recommend speaking with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) who can tailor the strategy specifically for you.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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I am 44 years old my Total savings in FD ,mutul fund , Insurance is Rs 2 Cr and 2nd property worth 50 lacs which is on rent , my current monthly expenses is Rs 45000/- How much amount will i require for retirement at 60.
Ans: Assessing Retirement Needs and Financial Preparedness
As a Certified Financial Planner, I understand the importance of planning for a comfortable retirement. Let's analyze your current financial situation and estimate the amount required for your retirement at age 60.

Genuine Appreciation for Financial Discipline
I commend you for diligently saving and investing to secure your financial future. Your prudent financial habits lay a solid foundation for retirement planning.

Evaluating Current Assets
Savings and Investments:
Fixed Deposits (FD)
Mutual Funds
Insurance Policies
Real Estate:
Second property worth 50 lakhs generating rental income
Estimating Retirement Expenses
To estimate the amount required for retirement, we need to consider your current monthly expenses and potential future expenses.

Current Monthly Expenses:
Rs 45,000
Projected Retirement Expenses:
Inflation-adjusted lifestyle expenses
Healthcare costs
Travel and leisure expenses
Calculating Retirement Corpus
To calculate the retirement corpus, we need to consider:

Expected retirement age
Life expectancy
Inflation rate
Rate of return on investments
Conclusion and Recommendation
Based on your current assets, monthly expenses, and retirement age, it's essential to:

Conduct a Detailed Analysis: Assess your current financial situation and future needs thoroughly.
Estimate Retirement Corpus: Calculate the amount required to maintain your desired lifestyle during retirement.
Explore Retirement Planning Options: Consider various retirement planning strategies, such as systematic investment plans (SIPs), retirement funds, and pension plans, to build a sufficient corpus.
Regular Review: Periodically review your retirement plan to ensure it remains aligned with your financial goals and life circumstances.
Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7072 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 29, 2024Hindi
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Iam 45 year old ,i want to retire know my mothly expenses is 55ooo thousand per month,how much money required to survive till the age of 80
Ans: It's great that you're thinking about your retirement and planning ahead. Here are some steps to help you determine how much money you'll need to retire comfortably:

Calculate Your Retirement Expenses: Start by listing down all your current monthly expenses, including essentials like housing, utilities, groceries, healthcare, and discretionary spending. Add an inflation buffer to estimate future expenses.
Determine Your Retirement Age: Decide at what age you want to retire. Since you're 45 now, consider how many years you have until retirement.
Estimate Your Retirement Income: Assess all potential sources of retirement income, such as pensions, annuities, Social Security, and investment income.
Calculate the Gap: Subtract your estimated retirement income from your projected retirement expenses to determine how much additional income you'll need from savings and investments.
Determine Required Corpus: Once you have the annual shortfall in retirement income, multiply it by the number of years you expect to be retired. This will give you an estimate of the total corpus required to cover your retirement expenses.
Adjust for Inflation: Remember to account for inflation when calculating your retirement corpus. Inflation can erode the purchasing power of your savings over time, so it's crucial to plan for it.
Consult a Financial Planner: Consider seeking guidance from a Certified Financial Planner to help you create a personalized retirement plan. A professional can provide valuable insights and recommendations tailored to your financial situation and goals.
By following these steps and consulting with a financial planner, you can determine how much money you'll need to retire comfortably and develop a strategy to achieve your retirement goals. Remember, it's never too late to start planning for retirement, and taking proactive steps now can help secure your financial future.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7072 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 21, 2024Hindi
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Hi sunil sir iam 45 year old i want to retire next year my monthly expense 50000 per month, how much money need to sustain at the age of 80
Ans: Understanding Your Retirement Needs
Sunil sir, planning for retirement is a critical step. I understand your need for a comfortable and secure retirement. Retiring next year at age 46 and sustaining until age 80 requires careful financial planning.

Estimating Future Expenses
Your current monthly expense is ?50,000. This amount will likely increase due to inflation. It's important to account for this in your retirement plan. Inflation can erode the value of money over time. For instance, what costs ?50,000 today will cost much more in the future.

Creating a Retirement Corpus
To maintain your lifestyle, you need to accumulate a substantial retirement corpus. This corpus should generate enough returns to cover your monthly expenses adjusted for inflation. The goal is to ensure you do not outlive your savings.

Investment Strategy
A well-diversified investment portfolio is essential. Diversification reduces risk and enhances returns. Focus on a mix of equity and debt funds. Equity funds provide growth, while debt funds offer stability.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds can outperform the market with the expertise of fund managers. They adjust portfolios based on market conditions. This dynamic management can yield better returns than index funds.

Professional Guidance
A Certified Financial Planner can help tailor an investment strategy to meet your retirement goals. They offer personalized advice considering your financial situation and risk tolerance. Their expertise ensures a well-structured retirement plan.

Importance of Regular Review
Regularly reviewing your retirement plan is crucial. Financial markets and personal circumstances change. Annual reviews with your planner can help adjust your investments to stay on track.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses. This fund should be easily accessible and separate from your retirement corpus. It ensures you don't have to dip into your retirement savings for emergencies.

Health Insurance
Adequate health insurance is vital. Medical expenses can be significant in retirement. A comprehensive health insurance plan protects your savings from unforeseen medical costs.

Managing Withdrawals
Plan your withdrawals carefully to avoid depleting your corpus too soon. A systematic withdrawal plan helps manage your finances efficiently. It ensures you have a steady income stream throughout retirement.

Tax Planning
Effective tax planning can enhance your retirement savings. Utilize tax-efficient investment options. A Certified Financial Planner can help optimize your investments to minimize tax liabilities.

Appreciating the Journey
Your foresight in planning for retirement is commendable. Taking steps now ensures a secure and comfortable future. It's important to stay informed and proactive about your financial health.

Conclusion
Sunil sir, your dedication to securing a stable retirement is inspiring. With a comprehensive plan and professional guidance, you can achieve your retirement goals. Remember, the key is to start early and stay disciplined.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7072 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

Money
I'm 34 old have 70000 per month salary and want to retire at 55 what amount need to be plan
Ans: Retiring at 55 is a great aspiration. With clear planning, you can work toward achieving a comfortable corpus to sustain your lifestyle. This will require assessing your current income, projected expenses in retirement, and investing in options that offer growth while balancing risk.

Key Aspects to Consider in Retirement Planning
When planning for retirement, here’s a breakdown of factors to consider for a robust retirement strategy:

Current Lifestyle Expenses: Determine your current monthly expenses. While some expenses may reduce after retirement, healthcare and lifestyle-related costs may increase. This will help to plan a more realistic retirement goal.

Inflation Impact: Over the years, inflation can erode the purchasing power of your savings. Factoring in inflation will ensure your corpus remains sufficient throughout retirement. Assuming inflation between 5%-6% can help you anticipate future costs accurately.

Life Expectancy Estimate: Plan for at least 25 to 30 years post-retirement. Preparing for longevity will safeguard you against the risk of outliving your funds.

Medical and Contingency Fund: Healthcare costs tend to rise with age. Having a dedicated emergency and health fund is essential to prevent any financial disruptions in your retirement plan.

Projecting Retirement Corpus Requirements
To estimate the corpus, you’ll need to account for future expenses and retirement duration. At Rs 70,000 per month income, you could aim for about 60%-70% of your current income post-retirement to maintain a comfortable lifestyle. Here’s how to plan:

Set Monthly Retirement Income Target: Aiming to replace 60%-70% of your current income may be practical. So, if you currently earn Rs 70,000, you may aim for Rs 42,000 - Rs 49,000 per month post-retirement.

Plan for Inflation: If you estimate your expenses today, consider that they will likely increase due to inflation. Assuming inflation around 5%-6% annually, plan accordingly to ensure the corpus grows to match future expenses.

Target Corpus: Aiming for a corpus that provides sustainable withdrawals based on your expected retirement years will help. Generally, a larger corpus offers greater flexibility and financial independence.

Investment Strategy for Building a Retirement Corpus
To achieve your retirement goal, investing in high-growth assets, along with balanced risk management, is essential. Here’s a balanced approach:

Equity Mutual Funds for Long-Term Growth: Equity mutual funds provide a higher return potential for long-term goals like retirement. Actively managed funds allow professional managers to optimize portfolio returns over time. They can outperform index funds due to active adjustments, giving you an edge in building wealth.

Disadvantages of Index Funds: While index funds have low expenses, they also lack active management. These funds may underperform in volatile markets as they strictly follow market indices without responding to economic changes. Instead, actively managed funds can be more beneficial for long-term, goal-based investments.

Regular Mutual Funds Over Direct Funds: Investing in regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) ensures professional guidance and strategy. Direct funds, though cost-effective, require self-management, which can be challenging. With a CFP, you get the advantage of expert advice on asset allocation and regular reviews, ensuring your investments align with your retirement goals.

Debt Funds for Stability: As you approach retirement, gradually shifting part of your investments to debt funds can add stability. Debt funds provide lower returns than equities but protect against market volatility, securing a portion of your portfolio for near-term needs.

Public Provident Fund (PPF): PPF is a tax-efficient option for long-term wealth building, offering a fixed return with tax exemptions. It can serve as a stable addition to your retirement portfolio, adding more security to your investments.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Monthly SIPs in mutual funds can help you consistently build wealth. SIPs average out market volatility, making them suitable for disciplined retirement investing. This is especially beneficial as it allows you to accumulate a larger corpus through disciplined monthly investments.

Important Taxation Rules for Retirement Investments
Tax efficiency is key in retirement planning, as it maximizes your returns. Be aware of the following taxation rules:

Equity Mutual Funds: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term gains are taxed at 20%.

Debt Mutual Funds: Gains from debt funds, whether short or long-term, are taxed according to your income tax slab. Understanding these rules can help you make more tax-efficient investment decisions, especially for retirement.

Emergency and Medical Funds
As retirement nears, allocate a portion of your investments to an emergency fund, ideally in liquid assets for easy access. A separate medical fund is also crucial. If you do not have health insurance, consider it essential for mitigating unexpected healthcare expenses during retirement.

Regular Portfolio Review and Adjustments
It’s advisable to review your portfolio annually with a Certified Financial Planner. Life events, market changes, or adjustments in financial goals can impact your strategy. Regular reviews keep your retirement plan on track and aligned with your evolving needs.

Final Insights
Retiring at 55 requires foresight and disciplined investing. By setting a realistic monthly retirement income target, investing in a balanced portfolio, and factoring in inflation and life expectancy, you can work towards a secure retirement. Partnering with a Certified Financial Planner will provide strategic insights and ensure your investments remain aligned with your goals. Plan early, and you’ll have more freedom and security in retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 15, 2024Hindi
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I am a 25 year old girl. I have good job and happy career wise. I am in a relationship with a boy who is very career oriented, and runs from the marriage topic also. My parents are now behind to me to get married. I am also interested in getting married and settle in my. When I told my boyfriend about this. He gets furious. He don’t want to communicate with me on this. He don’t give any attention to my problem. He says if you really love me then you will love and you will do whatever needed to be done. Now everything is on me.I am very confused what to do. I can’t tell my parents about him, as he is not ready. I also have a fear, that this boy is not going to marry me, so am I leaving good boys which my parents are showing me. Am I already late...what if I don’t get anyone, will I have to compromise in my life If I will delay. Please help!!
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Let me start with the most important thing- you are far from late. You are only 25; I would say this is your time to focus on your career and live a little. But if you are ready for marriage, then that is great too. But do not ever think that it's too late. It isn't even a little late. If anything, in today's day and age, it's early.

Now coming to your boyfriend- have you ever asked him if he has any plans to get married or if he intends to continue this relationship without ever committing to marriage? It's important that you discuss this. And his dialogue, "if you really love me then you will love and you will do whatever needed to be done" doesn't make any sense because you can tell him the same. I suggest you speak to him openly and let him know that you want to get married- if not right now, but somewhere down the line you want marriage. If his intentions are not the same, he should let you know so that you can move on and find someone who shares the same outlook as you. And, to be honest, not paying attention to your problems is concerning. In a relationship, two people should help each other out in times of trouble.

Please have the talk and reconsider the relationship according to how it goes.

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I (27M) have recently started searching for prospects through Arranged Marriage Platforms. I got connected with a Lady (25F) & we seemed to be getting along quite well, through chatting & phone calls. When we were planning to meet in person, for our first Date, she picked a place which is one of the most expensive ones in our City & just a single Date over there may cost us around ?10 Thousand. Though, I am earning pretty well (?30Lakh/Annum), I am reluctant to spend so much amount on our First Date, whilst we are still in the process of getting to know each other. If I'd been Married to her, I'd be willing to spend that much for celebrating our Wedding Anniversary. But this is just our First Date & I am not even sure whether we'd be getting Married or not. The Date is scheduled for next Month & I'm still in Dilemma, whether I should request her to meet up at a more affordable venue or ask her to split the expenses, equally or proportionate to our Earning (She earns just around ?6 Lakh/Annum). I'm afraid that being so Straight-forward & upfront about Money Matters, at this stage, might give her a negative impression about me. She seems to be having a lot of Materialistic Expectations from me, as I earn much more than her & she has been hinting me about her expectations such as Expensive Gifts & Vacations abroad. Even though I am a person who's very cautious & disciplined with Money, I'd be glad to spend generously, for the happiness of my Life Partner, but not at this stage, when we haven't even committed to each other. Please suggest me, how can I handle this situation without coming off as too miserly? Moreover, I'm also planning to discuss some important matters, such as how we'd be handling our Finances in the Future. But I am worried, whether it would be appropriate to bring up this matter, in our very first personal meet-up? I'm afraid that she might Judge me as too Money-minded & I might lose out on a suitable match. Please Help me.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your concerns are completely valid. Splurging, especially at this stage, is unnecessary. Good connections can be built anywhere; expensive places play no part in it. Also, being disciplined about money is the right approach.

I understand that you are worried about coming off miserly, but you are not. You are merely being responsible. You can suggest another more affordable place and see how she reacts. If she is okay with it, then great. If not, then you should rethink this match. You don't want to marry someone who is in it for the money. Now, coming to discussing how to split the finances, I would suggest you wait a bit. A first date might not be the right place for it. If all goes well, and you think this woman can be a suitable match, bring it up politely on the second or third date, to have clarity on it early on. For instance, you can casually start by giving an example of a friend who recently got married- something like, "Rohan's wife takes care of the groceries and stuff, while he pays off the bill." And then mention that you were wondering how you two should split it if you happen to get married. It is a reasonable question and should not show you off as money-minded. It's always best to discuss these important matters in the initial stages to avoid any conflict in the future.

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Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2024Hindi
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Ravi Mittal  |428 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2024
Relationship
Hello, I am married for 4 years. And someone from my office loves me. He wants me to love him also even if I am married. That office colleague take too much efforts for me, he listens everything about me, he cares about me. But my husband only focused on his work. So I want love, that boy is the best for the love. But loving another man even if you have husband is cheating. I don't know but I feel that I want both of them and I am confused about it. I also love that man from my office. I am so much confused.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are feeling undervalued by your husband but the "I want both of them" approach has never worked out well for anyone, especially in an exclusive relationship. You have a few options here-
You speak to your husband about how the lack of attention from him is affecting you and work on it with him.
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Opt for separation- if you do not have an open marriage, you cannot have both of the men. It isn't moral to do this behind your partner's back.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Relationship
Dear Anu Krishna, I'm 48 married with 2 kids daughter in 10th and son in 5th. Wife works as a VP in a large firm. Since post COVID there has been almost no intimacy. I tried to talk to her and she says that I'm a sex maniac. I said once in six months at least she says not interested. She s fit in good health exercises and all tests are ok. Last year my friend's wife informed me about their private WhatsApp messages and I was shocked. We go on tours and trips and functions and everything externally is normal. I buy her gifts and we go out to restaurants etc. Everything except intimacy. I've tried to talk about 50 times but she doesn't want to talk not seek any help. Infact the signs of this started from 2016. She's 43 now. I m thinking of now seperating from her. Im really fed up. Nothing is working, and she's adamant. I've pulled on for kids but maybe I can be together for a few more years. I can't live with her forever. You generally ask people to get help and talk etc which is done and tried and yet no solution. Can you agree for once that there is a genuine case to not continue It's my life I know but I think I'm 100% right and that i have hit the end of the road. Inhold you in high regard hence writing to you Sameer
Ans: Dear Sachin,
Thank you for your kind and respectful acknowledgement of me.
Now,
You wrote:
Last year my friend's wife informed me about their private WhatsApp messages and I was shocked. - What was shocking? You have not shared this!

Lack of interest in sex can be due to:
- change in hormones
- boredom in the bedroom routine
- lack of intimacy outside the bedroom

Now, what I must agree on is something that we can keep aside, yeah? My job is to try and guide people to put things together of course, if that's what they want. You seem to have already believed that nothing can work; how can anyone guide you? When you claim that you nothing is working, I will still ask you, "How do you know that you have tried everything to know that nothing is working?"

Also, if you have decided to separate, what more can I suggest? You feel that you are 100% right, BUT you know what: If you actually were 100% right, you would not be here checking in with me...Just playing the mirror here for you.
I still would suggest that you work on your marriage; communicate and rebuild...it's a long path BUT the fruits of it can be amazing!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1318 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 18, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi , I am married 2.5 years ago to a man , who is very less in education compared to me , this marriage was done as a compromise or in worries about my future as my parents are no more .. He and his family is average in all case ..cleanliness, hygeiene , social relations, religious practices , education , self respect , financial well being ... all these things are either meaningless for them or they vary poor in those . Nor even they have moral values , as they have cheated me by hiding my husband's age to me . I told them that we strongly believe in astrology and will not go without it . Still they gave me wrong information about his age and he is very elder to me .As I am well educated , employed and self dependant. So they somehow trapped me for marriage. After 3-4 months of marriage my husband was diagnosed (a type of oral cancer) caused due to consuming gutkha and ciggarettes. He lied and denied to have any disease still i started his medication . In some time I lost my job also still continued his treatment , tried to help him in his business , it made a big impact on my sqving too :( But because of his careless business practice , it didnt work for him. Also I paid many times his car's EMI . And supported in all types of expenses be it house hold , his medication or business . He has parental properties in village but they are hardly using it for their own use and wanted to use my money till now . As I now denied to give more money , now they have started looking to sell or rent / lease their property for their use . I have spent lot of money on them , I hardly believe they will try to pay it out fully to me or give some part of property for my safe future now :( I am now 43 and have no children . At other hand my brother is also alone( even being his wife and 2 sons) Wife is quarrelsome and has a history of false case of dowry on my brother and due to this my brother and my family sufferered a lot , its been 20 years now . But this has tortured my brother me and my mother a lot in past .Sis-in-law never let my nephews to stay or sit for some time with us (me or my mother ). And now as my both nephews have grown up my sis-in-law told them lie as if she was victim and , we were the culprit . Children were innocent , they didnt knew the fact , hence taking mother's side now. I thought that as my sis-in-law doesn't like us so unwillingly I decided to marry with a compromise , thinking that after my marriage all will be fine in brother's home , But nothing improved. And now my brother , after my marriage is emotionally alone at home , I feel very sorry about this . I want to go back and take care of my brother , as now he is 53 and emotionally very weak , diabetic and suffering other disease too . Sis-in-law is least interested in his health , care .. so as her children. Going back to parental (it is my father's home, so i also have legal right on that property )home and leaving husband is not so easy, .. Elder Nephew and sis-in-law can become very violent as they are always . I dont want to endanger my brother's health and if I dont go then also .. brother is taking care of him alone ..that too very casually ..how can i make all things correct . Please suggest .
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Hello! Excuse me...
Take care of yourself first before trying to save someone else.
Your brother is a grown man and knows what is to be done. Allow him to process his life's situations. By stepping into it especially in your state of mind will make things worse. Also, if you want guidance on this, kindly post another question else it will get confusing for all of us here.

First think of what you must do to make things better for yourself. Ask yourself whether you are interested in continuing the marriage. A lot of your time, money and energy has been invested in it and based on a lie. You have no clue what else they have lied about...do you want a marriage that is standing on a bed of lies? is it possible for you to trust your husband and his family all over again? What can they do so that you place trust in them again?

If this is not possible, the you are in a place where you need to make decisions about your marriage and your life in general.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

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