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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 13, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 02, 2024Hindi
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Hello, I need guidance for 2 concerns, since I have resigned and existing from NPS I have to compulsorily purchase annuity for 80% of NPS value, which companies annuity plan is best, Aditya Sunlife, LIC, India first, ...pls guide as the purchase value will be around 12Lacs. 2- I'll be getting around 10Lacs lumpsum, where to and how to invest considering the fact I may not go back to work ever again and I want this funds to grow and create a good wealth for my future, as of now I am 44 years old. Kindly guide

Ans: Annuity plans provide regular income post-retirement. They are crucial for financial stability when you stop working. Since you need to purchase an annuity for 80% of your NPS value, selecting the right plan is essential.

Evaluating Annuity Providers
Aditya Sun Life
Aditya Sun Life is known for its flexible options. They offer different annuity plans, allowing you to choose based on your needs. Their customer service is also commendable.

LIC (Life Insurance Corporation of India)
LIC is a trusted name in insurance. They provide a variety of annuity plans with reliable returns. LIC’s reputation for stability makes it a popular choice.

IndiaFirst Life Insurance
IndiaFirst offers competitive annuity rates and several plan options. Their plans are designed to cater to diverse needs, ensuring you find a suitable one.

Key Factors to Consider
Annuity Rates
Compare the annuity rates offered by different providers. Higher rates will ensure better returns.

Payout Frequency
Choose between monthly, quarterly, or annual payouts based on your requirements.

Plan Features
Evaluate additional features such as joint life annuity, return of purchase price, and inflation-adjusted payouts.

Customer Service
Good customer service is essential for smooth claim processing and query resolution.

Provider Reputation
Select a provider with a solid reputation for reliability and financial stability.

Investing the Lumpsum of Rs 10 Lakhs
Investment Goals and Risk Tolerance
You’re 44 and planning not to return to work. Your investment strategy should focus on growth and wealth creation. Balancing risk and returns is crucial.

Diversified Portfolio
Mutual Funds
Investing in mutual funds can provide good returns. Actively managed funds are preferable over index funds due to the potential for higher returns through expert management.

Debt Funds
Debt funds offer stable returns with lower risk. They are suitable for preserving capital and earning moderate returns.

Gold
Gold is a reliable investment for diversification. It acts as a hedge against inflation and market volatility.

Equity Funds
Equity funds have higher risk but offer substantial returns over time. Diversify across sectors to mitigate risk.

Regular Funds vs. Direct Funds
Benefits of Regular Funds
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) offers several advantages. They provide expert guidance, ongoing portfolio management, and personalized advice. This ensures your investments are well-managed and aligned with your goals.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct funds may seem cost-effective due to lower expense ratios. However, without professional guidance, you may make suboptimal investment decisions, potentially affecting your returns.

Investment Strategy
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Consider setting up SIPs for consistent investment in mutual funds. This mitigates market volatility and promotes disciplined investing.

Asset Allocation
Maintain a balanced mix of equity, debt, and gold. This diversification reduces risk and enhances potential returns.

Rebalancing
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to align with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

Risk Management
Emergency Fund
Set aside a portion of your lump sum as an emergency fund. This ensures liquidity for unforeseen expenses.

Insurance
Ensure you have adequate health and life insurance coverage. This protects you and your family from financial hardships in case of emergencies.

Long-term Perspective
Wealth Creation
Investing with a long-term perspective is key to wealth creation. Patience and consistent investing yield significant returns over time.

Avoiding Market Timing
Trying to time the market can be risky. Instead, focus on staying invested through market cycles for better outcomes.

Final Insights
Investing your NPS proceeds and lump sum wisely can secure your financial future. Evaluate annuity providers based on rates, features, and reputation. For your lump sum, diversify across mutual funds, debt funds, and gold. Engage a Certified Financial Planner for professional guidance, ensuring your investments are aligned with your goals. Maintain a balanced portfolio and focus on long-term wealth creation.

By taking these steps, you can build a robust financial plan that supports your aspirations and ensures a secure future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  | Answer  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 10, 2025Hindi
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I am 51 single, divorced and have one little sister who is 32. Recently I lost my job, and I am not in the mood to search for a new one. I am in the process of making arrangement to fulfill my monthly needs. I am holding the NPS which has a small corpus of 5 lacs in tier 1 and 45k in tier 2. Now I want to completely exit from the NPS. Now I must compulsorily accept the 20% withdrawal and 80% annuity. I have a few queries below. 1. Should I consider buying 100% annuity. 20% withdrawal does not make sense 2. Should I consider putting 1.5 lacs more to enhance the annuity (The corpus will become 7 lacs approx.). 3. Should I consider taking out the annuity on a yearly basis (Please explain Its pros and cons), since it offers more benefit. 4. Should I consider the Shriram life insurance. 5. Will it be safe to consider Shriram life insurance for life long future annuity. It offers the highest annuity. 6. Should I consider Annuity for Life with ROP - Subscriber will get annuity for lifetime and on death of the Subscriber, payment of annuity ceases & 100% of the purchase price will be returned to the nominee(s). The annual offer is 49,063.00 (7.01%) 7. Should I consider Annuity for Life without ROP - Subscriber will get annuity for lifetime and on death of the Subscriber, payment of annuity ceases, and no further amount will be payable. The annual offer is 58,112.00 (8.30%)
Ans: Hello;

Point wise answers to your queries as given below:

1. Yes.
2. Yes.
3. If you do monthly annuity the rate will be lower but you get monthly payouts. In yearly the rate will higher but only one shot payment per year so it depends on your preference.

4. Cannot comment on suitability of xyz firm.

5. Consider an insurer which has good capital adequacy, growing profitable business, preferably listed, reputation of the owner/group apart from decent annuity rates on offer.

6 & 7. My suggestion would be to opt for annuity for life with ROP to your nominee. Ultimately it is your call.

Please have adequate healthcare insurance cover.

Best wishes;

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 08, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 22, 2025Hindi
Money
I am a 53 year old male working abroad. I am well covered in terms of medical insurance and life insurance. My plan to retire at 63 with 1.5 lakhs per month Although I have below investments, I am looking for a annuity after age 63. Pls guide me on the best annuity option- NPS Vs SWP Vs HDFC pension plus. I have below investments so far: PPF 55 lakhs,EPF 36 lakhs, MF (total cumulative) 5.5 crores ,Employee superannuity+gratuity 14.5 lakhs, NPS 17 lakhs Monthly MF SIP ongoing 2 lakhs Company FD 10 lakhs Gold 16 lakhs My question is 1)Will investing in NPS @ 1.5 lakhs a month fine in active contribution(75%equity+25%debt)? Based on my calculation with existing Rs. 17 lakhs NPS corpus and Rs. 1.5 lakhs monthly contribution, I can get annuity of Rs. 75K per month at age 63 (besides the lumpsum amount of 60%, rest 40% as annuity). Pls suggest if this approach fine? 2) Is withdrawal from SWP a good option to receive regular monthly payment? Wouldnt the LTCG tax come in to effect with this approach since LTCG would come in beyond Rs. 1.25 lakhs of gains, pls suggest on this? 3) The HDFC life smart pension plus-gives annuity at IRR of 6%. So I will have to invest @ 30 lakhs per year for next 5 years to get annual annuity of Rs. 15 lakhs from age 63 onwards. How is this option?
Ans: You have done very structured investing and created strong wealth. At 53, planning retirement at 63 with Rs.1.5 lakhs monthly target is practical. Your portfolio size is already substantial and gives you flexibility. You are also rightly evaluating different income options. Let us analyse from all angles and provide you with a 360-degree perspective.

» Present financial strength

– PPF of Rs.55 lakhs gives safe, tax-free income support.
– EPF of Rs.36 lakhs is a strong retirement base.
– Mutual funds of Rs.5.5 crores form the biggest growth driver.
– Superannuation and gratuity of Rs.14.5 lakhs add steady support.
– NPS of Rs.17 lakhs is a start, though not very large.
– SIP of Rs.2 lakhs monthly adds immense compounding over next 10 years.
– FD of Rs.10 lakhs and gold of Rs.16 lakhs diversify safety and hedge.
– You are well protected with insurance, so assets are purely for retirement.

» Why annuity products look attractive

– Annuity gives guaranteed income for life.
– But annuity rates in India are quite low.
– Once invested, money is locked, with no liquidity.
– Inflation eats into fixed annuity income.
– For 25–30 year retirement, annuity gives certainty but reduces growth.
– You may feel safe with annuity, but real value drops with time.

» NPS active contribution option

– You plan Rs.1.5 lakhs monthly into NPS till 63.
– With 75% equity and 25% debt, growth potential is high.
– NPS gives tax benefit, but at withdrawal, 40% compulsory annuity is mandatory.
– That annuity portion will earn very low IRR, around 5–6%.
– Flexibility is less, as NPS rules restrict free usage of corpus.
– Your estimate of Rs.75,000 monthly annuity is realistic.
– But compared to mutual fund SWP, long-term income will be less.
– NPS suits those with limited discipline, but you already show financial maturity.

» SWP as income stream

– SWP from mutual funds is flexible and liquid.
– You can decide the withdrawal amount and frequency.
– Portfolio continues to grow while you withdraw.
– It is inflation friendly, as corpus is still invested in growth assets.
– Taxation is important: equity MF gains beyond Rs.1.25 lakhs LTCG taxed at 12.5%.
– STCG on withdrawals below 12 months holding is taxed at 20%.
– Still, overall taxation is lower than annuity taxation (full income tax on annuity).
– SWP also allows you to stop, pause, or increase later.
– It balances growth and income, unlike annuity which is rigid.

» HDFC life smart pension plus

– This is an insurance-linked pension product.
– IRR is around 6% only.
– You plan to invest Rs.30 lakhs yearly for 5 years, total Rs.1.5 crores.
– Annual annuity of Rs.15 lakhs means only 6% return, taxable fully.
– Liquidity is zero, you cannot access your money.
– Flexibility is lost, while better returns possible in mutual funds.
– Such products benefit insurance companies more than investors.
– Locking large amounts in such low-return product is not advisable.

» Tax comparison across options

– Annuity: taxed fully as income, no exemption, no indexation.
– SWP: equity gains taxed at 12.5% LTCG after Rs.1.25 lakhs limit.
– Debt MF SWP taxed as per income slab, so less efficient.
– NPS: lumpsum 60% tax-free, but 40% annuity fully taxable.
– Clearly, SWP from equity MF is most tax efficient in long run.

» Risk and inflation factors

– Retirement may last 25–30 years.
– Fixed annuity loses value due to inflation.
– SWP with equity exposure grows with inflation, keeping income relevant.
– PPF and EPF give some cushion but interest may reduce in future.
– Portfolio mix of growth and safety ensures both income and protection.

» Suggested approach

– Avoid locking too much in annuity products.
– Continue SIPs in equity mutual funds till 63.
– Shift part of equity gains to debt near retirement for safety.
– At 63, use SWP from mutual funds as primary retirement income.
– Keep PPF and EPF for safe drawdown later years.
– Keep NPS contributions moderate. Rs.1.5 lakhs monthly is too heavy.
– Instead, strengthen mutual funds for flexibility and growth.
– Maintain emergency corpus outside these investments.
– Review yearly with a Certified Financial Planner to adjust asset allocation.

» Final Insights

You are already on a very strong path. With your existing corpus and SIPs, you can comfortably generate Rs.1.5 lakhs per month from age 63. NPS heavy contribution will reduce flexibility and force you into annuity. SWP gives better growth, tax efficiency, and liquidity. Insurance-linked pension products like HDFC Pension Plus offer low returns and low flexibility, hence not suitable. Your focus should be on expanding mutual fund base, balancing with debt funds, and creating a flexible SWP withdrawal strategy. This approach secures income, manages tax, and keeps your retirement lifestyle safe against inflation.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Sep 17, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 01, 2025Hindi
Money
Hi Sunil, I am a 53 year old male working abroad. I am well covered in terms of medical insurance and life insurance. My plan is to retire at 63 with 1.5 lakhs per month. Although I have below investments, I am looking for a annuity after age 63. Pls guide me on the best annuity option- NPS Vs SWP Vs HDFC pension plus. I have below investments so far: PPF 55 lakhs,EPF 36 lakhs, MF (total cumulative) 5.5 crores ,Employee superannuity+gratuity 14.5 lakhs, NPS 17 lakhs Monthly MF SIP ongoing 2 lakhs Company FD 10 lakhs Gold 16 lakhs. My question is 1)Will investing in NPS @ 1.5 lakhs a month fine in active contribution(75%equity+25%debt)? Based on my calculation with existing Rs. 17 lakhs NPS corpus and Rs. 1.5 lakhs monthly contribution, I can get annuity of Rs. 75K per month at age 63 (besides the lumpsum amount of 60%, rest 40% as annuity). Pls suggest if this approach fine? 2) Is withdrawal from SWP a good option to receive regular monthly payment? Wouldnt the LTCG tax come in to effect with this approach since LTCG would come in beyond Rs. 1.25 lakhs of gains, pls suggest on this? 3) The HDFC life smart pension plus-gives annuity at IRR of 6%. So I will have to invest @ 30 lakhs per year for next 5 years to get annual annuity of Rs. 15 lakhs from age 63 onwards. How is this option?
Ans: Hi,

I understand your concern of getting annuity to cover your expenses post retirement. And I appreciate your research.
Your overall numbers look quite good and these can last forever along with a huge inheritance to your family.

Now coming to annuity options, I would recommend option 2 for you. A SWP option would be best keeping in mind several factors:
1. You already have a huge mutual fund portfolio. It will be redesigned using a strategy into a mix of equity and hybrid and debt funds. You will get your monthly payout and your rest amount will continue growing as per the market making your corpus to grow forever.
2. You can change (increase or decrease or redesign) your entire portfolio as per your wish at any time post retirement.
3. This strategy can easily fetch you a return of 11% yearly which neither NPS nor HDFC pension plus will give.
4. Regarding tax, it would only be applicable to the monthly takeout done by you. Even NPS annuity and HDFC plans are taxable post retirement. So you need not worry about any tax as all will be same for you.

Hence 2nd SWP option suits you the best.

Lastly, with such a huge corpus and to plan a proper retirement plan for you, kindly consult a Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, goals and risk profile.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Money
Hello Reetika Mam, I am 48 year having privet Job. I have started investment from 2017, current value of investment is 82L and having monthly 50K SIP as below. My goal to have 2.5Cr corpus at the age of 58. Please advice... 1. Nippon India small cap -Growth Rs 5,000 2. Sundaram Mid Cap fund Regular plan-Growth Rs 5,000 3. ICICI Prudential Small Cap- Growth Rs 10,000 4. ICICI Prudential Large Cap fund-Growth Rs 5,000 5. ICICI Prudential Balanced Adv. fund-Growth Rs 5,000 6. DSP Small Cap fund Regular Growth Rs 5,000 7. Nippn India Pharma Fund- Growth Rs 5,000 8. SBI focused Fund Regular plan- Growth Rs 5,000 9. SBI Dynamic Asset Allocation Active FoF-Regular-Growth Rs 5,000
Ans: Hi,

You can easily achieve your goal of 2.5 crores after 10 years. Your current investment value of 82 lakhs alone can grow to 2.5 crores assuming CAGR of 12% and monthly 50k SIP will give additional 1.1 crores, making a total corpus of 3.6 crores at 58.

But I see a problem with your current allocation. The fund selection is more aligned towards small caps of different AMCs and very concentrated and overlapped portfolio.
You need to diversify it so as to secure your current investment while getting a decent CAGR of 12% over next 10 years.
Focus on changing your current funds to large caps and BAFs and flexicaps and avoid sectoral funds.

You can also work with an advisor to get detailed analysis of your portfolio.
Hence you should consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hi, I am 32 years old, married, and have a 4-year-old daughter. My monthly take-home salary is 55,000 rupees, and my wife's salary is 31,000 rupees, making our total income 86,000 rupees. I am currently in a lot of debt. Our total EMIs amount to 99,910 rupees (total loans with an average interest rate of 12.5%), and even with my father covering most of the monthly expenses, I still spend about 10,000 rupees. This leaves me with a shortage of approximately 25,000 rupees (debt) every month. My total debt across various banks is 36,50,000 rupees, and I also have a gold loan of 14 lakhs. I cannot change the EMI or loan tenure for another year. I also have a 2 lakh rupee loan from private lenders at an 18% interest rate. My total debt is over 52 lakhs. Now, with gold and silver prices rising, I'm worried that I won't be able to buy them again. I have an opportunity to get a 2 lakh rupee loan at a 12% interest rate, and I'm thinking of using that money to buy gold and silver and then pledge them at the bank again. Half of my current gold loan is from a similar situation – I took a loan from private lenders, bought gold, and then took a gold loan from the bank to repay the private loan. Given my current situation and my family's circumstances, should I buy more gold or focus on repaying my debts? What should I do? The monthly interest on my loans is approximately 50,000 rupees, meaning 50,000 rupees of my salary goes towards interest every month. What should I do in this situation? I also have an SBI Jan Nivesh SIP of 2000 rupees per month for the last four months. I have no savings left. I am thinking of taking out term insurance and health insurance, but I am hesitating because I don't have the money. I am looking for some suggestions to get out of these debts.
Ans: Hi Surya,

You are in a very complicated situation. This whole debt trapped needs to be worked on very judiciously. Let us go through all the aspects in detail.

1. Your total monthly household salary - 86000; monthly expense - 10000 contribution as of now; monthly EMI - approx. 1 lakhs.
2. Current loans - 36.5 lakhs from various banks at 12.5%; Gold Loan - 14 lakhs; private lenders - 2 lakhs at 18% >> totalling to 52 lakhs.
3. 50k interest per month payable - implies capital payment is very less leading to more problem.

- Keen on buying gold with loan. This is where more problem will began. Avoid buying gold using loan.
- Your focus should be on reducing your debt instead of increasing it.

Strategy to follow:
1. Close the loan with higher interest rate - 2 lakh personal lender. This will reduce your EMI and give you more potential to prepay other loans.
2. Try and take financial help from your family in prepaying small loans from banks. This can reduce your burden.
3. If you have any unused assets, can sell them to pay off your loans.

Points to NOTE:
> Avoid taking any more loans.
> When your EMI burden reduces, do make an emergency fund of 2-3 lakhs for yourself for any uncetain situation.
> Make sure to have a health insurance for yourself and family.
> Can stop your investments for now. They are of no use if your EMIs are more than your income. Can start investing once your EMI's reduce atleast by 20-30% for you.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hello Sir ; I am 55 years old & have decided to retire by end of 2025 . My wife is in teaching profession , earns appx. 3.5 L / annum & will continue her service till 2037( @60 yrs. of age ) . My only child is an intellectually disabled person ( with Autism ) , 14 years of age & will be incapable to earn . As on date , I have 60 L in MF , going to sell a property by end of this year @ 41 L ( it is fixed ) , appx 5L in Bank & postal FD . My wife have 45L in MF as on date & 3 fully paid premium ULIP policy which will be matured by 2030. She can get appx. 25 L from there . This is by and large my family financial status . Now , my queries to you that with this corpus , how we manage our ( myself & wife’s ) livelihood & most important that to manage a continuous cash flow for my disabled child till his age 65 i.e. 50 years from now . Primarily , I have thought of SWP & MIS schemes to get regular income for th retirement . My present family expense is appx. 1L per month . Therefore , I do seek your expert advice in this regards . I will be highly obliged if you kindly address to my query . thanking you , with best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty.
Ans: Hi Suprabhat,

Let us analyse all things in detail - one at a time.
1. 5L in Bank and FD - this is your emergency fund. But if there is a lock-in on the postal FD, you need atleast 5 lakhs in bank FD as your emergency fund.
2. Health Insurance - it is the prime requirement for you and your family. You should have one covering you, your spouse as well as your kid. It will help you in uncertain health conditions of youself and family.
3. ULIP Policy - Usually policies like such are not beneficial. But these are all paid-up, good point here. Whenever you get this, try to invest it in equity and hybrid mutual funds.
4. You will get 41 lakhs from property selling. Invest the entire amount in mutual funds, a mix of equity and debt funds.
5. Cumulative MF portfolio = 1.05 crores. As the entire corpus is huge, take the advice of a proper advisor on managing your overall investments and portfolio. A guided investment always generates better result than a random portfolio.

Your annual needs - 12 lakhs; Wife will earn - 3.5 lakhs till 2037. You need additional 8.5 lakhs per year to manage your expenses.
- You can initiate a SWP from your overall savings after allocating it in correct funds with the help of advisor.
- You need to have a dedicated corpus for your son's need in your absence. Atleast 50-70 lakhs should be kept solely for your son.
- The overall corpus seems insufficient to meet your requirements for now. You can either postpone your retirement and create an additional savings corpus for your future and son. Or you may consider to work on your monthly budget.

Do work with a professional advisor to guide you with exact funds to meet your desired goals.
Hence consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 17, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am 43 years old married man, arranged marriage. Married for past 13 years with 4 kids (aged 2, 3, 10 and 13). I work abroad with good salary package and live with my family. My wife is MSc. and home maker. She teaches the kids and cooks and takes good care of kids. I am academic research scholar. From the start of our marriage, I noticed my wife does not open much and moderate religious person. I am also not very extrovert person. I work from 8 am to 5 pm in office which is walkable distance from my house. After coming from office, I help her in kichen daily, look after the kids, help kids in math, clean the house, put the yougest kid to sleep, then I get some 'me' time which happens only after 11:30 pm in the night. I dont use phone untill everybody is sleep or my kids dont allow me to use phone while i am playing with them. Now sometimes I feel we are just room mates with 1-2 times sex in a month. In terms of love with my wife, I initiate all the time, she never expresses love. I am not very possessive kind of person. She does not show any interest in my work and never ask me hows my day etc. She only smiles and rarely laught. I thought may be it will improve with time. There is no money issue, she buys what ever she likes. She has her own card and I provide extra money if she asks. I assumed may be she does not like me from the beginning but staying in marriage due to family pressure and kids. I am average looking person and dont accept everything what she says in terms of investment, holiday etc. I had accepted my fate. She started doing book writing and publishing online and now earning and keeping separate account, She is very excited about it and feels happy and shares with me the publication but not the earnings. I give suggestions and money what ever she asks for marketting and promotion etc. I am happy for her. Recently I came across an email in her phone which was from her ex. There was a long deleted chat, in summary they were madly in love but could not get married, i dont know the reason or even she never spoke about him. they kept chatting even after our marriage. Her ex got married and divorsed with one grownup kid. He is single and work abroad in a different country with good salary package (may be better than mine). She emailed him after long time I guess but now she is secretly chatting with him very often. she keeps her phone locked and deletes the chats. He is also interested and asking her to leave and marry him. She is not saying yes to him but regrets that she married me. At this point I dont know if I should talk to her regarding this but she will definitely be upset to know i checked her phone. Few years back we had a major fight (that time i didnot know about her ex), i had proposed for divorse and settle it mutually if she is not happy with me but she denied and stayed. I dont know what I should do to make her happy. we both are from very respected family in the society and I dont know if her parents knew about her affair. Even though she is chatting with him but she behaves very normal with me, no fight no argument, as if nothing is happening. I dont know whats in her mind, is she just casually chatting with him or buying time, waiting for the right moment to leave? Shall I file for divorse or accept my fate as room mates. Am I worrying too much?
Ans: First, let me say this clearly: you are not worrying “too much.” Your concerns are valid. When emotional connection, affection, and curiosity about each other’s inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust. The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication, and expressing regret about marrying you — even if not directly to your face — is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn’t automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.
At the same time, it’s important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation. Right now, the most important thing is clarity — for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty, and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation, or routine.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone. Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: you’ve been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you’re always the one initiating closeness, and recently you’ve felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life. You don’t need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.
Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone, but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world, and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you. A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal — but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimizes your feelings, or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.
It’s also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone, but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship. Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behavior, but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counseling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs. A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild, or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.
As for “accepting your fate,” I want to be very clear: accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired, and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure. Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure, but from adults who model honesty, self-respect, and emotional responsibility.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone. The next step is not divorce or resignation — it’s an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth. From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it’s difficult.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My husband doesn't lock the door when we have s**. This was the main reason for his ex-wife to divorce him. His parents feel that it is safer to keep the door unlocked in case of emergencies. But honestly,I feel awkward. I am not comfortable. Once his sister casually walked in to pick up some stuff, ignoring us on the bed. I was clothed but it still made me feel uncomfortable. We don't have a private bedroom but we use the bed at night. There are two shared wardrobes in the room which people need to access. I have explained this to my husband but he says I need to learn to adjust and work around it. Even if the door is closed, I always fear that someone might just walk in. What to do?
Ans: This is not a small preference issue. This is about personal boundaries and bodily autonomy. Even if nothing “bad” has happened, the fear of being walked in on is enough to make your body stay tense. That anxiety alone can affect your sense of dignity, desire, and emotional security. The fact that his ex-wife divorced him over the same issue tells you that this pattern is longstanding and not something you are imagining.
Your husband and his parents may frame this as “safety” or “emergency access,” but that argument does not hold when weighed against your right to privacy. Emergencies are rare; violations of comfort are happening now. A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence—it means respect. Many families manage emergencies with simple alternatives like knocking, calling out, or keeping keys for true emergencies. What’s happening instead is that your need for privacy is being minimized, and you are being asked to suppress discomfort for the convenience of others.
The incident with his sister casually entering is especially important. Even though you were clothed, your body registered that as a boundary breach. The fact that it was brushed off is likely reinforcing your fear that this could happen again. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and sexual comfort—not because you’re “overthinking,” but because your nervous system is constantly on alert.
You need to shift the conversation with your husband away from “adjustment” and toward non-negotiable boundaries. This isn’t about arguing logic; it’s about stating a clear emotional and physical limit. You might say something like:
“I cannot feel safe or comfortable being intimate without privacy. This isn’t something I can adjust to. If intimacy continues without a locked door, I will start avoiding it—not out of punishment, but because my body feels unsafe.”
That’s not a threat. That’s honesty.
If the room layout is genuinely impractical, then the solution is not for you to tolerate discomfort, but for the household to change logistics—restricted access at night, fixed timings, or creating a private space. Privacy is a shared responsibility, not a burden placed on one person to endure.
If your husband continues to dismiss this after you clearly express it, that’s a deeper issue than doors. It signals a lack of attunement to your emotional safety, and that deserves serious attention—possibly with a counselor, especially given that this issue has already broken a marriage before.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for respect.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1754 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Relationship
Mam, I know some ways by which i can change my state of mind from lazy to working.. and having pressure/deadline helps to move on. But still I'm get trapped in guilt of actions and don't feel confident that next time i will be able to control myself..( cuz some actions give short pleasure/gratification easily.. but guilts also). And in all those silent, sad, depressed emotional time my Real working time gets wasted.. and feels like I just live in more guilt and saddness..even if it hurts. But don't wanna live like that!! What I do?
Ans: Dear Work,
Focus in any area of Life comes only when you realize WHY you are doing WHAT you are doing in that area.
For eg: If you decide to lose weight and just randomly join the gym without understanding WHY you are in the gym, a few days later, you will drop out. Mind you, that LOSING WEIGHT is not your reason; WHY do you want to lose that weight is the only thing that will keep you focused and motivated.
Hence, if you are giving into short term distractions, then obviously whatever it is that you are doing is not interesting you and so you get easily distracted.
Take one area of your life at a time; drop your goals in paper and mark a strong WHY against each. If it isn't motivating you enough, go back to the Drawing Board and do the exercise until you find that fire in your belly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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