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Can I reach my 5 crore retirement goal with my current investments?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 19, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 18, 2024Hindi
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Hello Sir, I am 46, earning around 2.35L/month after all deductions and don't have any liability like Home Loan, Currently I am investing 55K/month in MF (HDFC MidCap Opportunity, Quant Active, Quant FlexiCap, Nippon SmallCap, HDFC Top100 Growth) and having around 10L in MF. PPF, NPS and PF is having around 50L. Need a corpus of 5 Cr in next 10 to 12 years. Kindly suggest better planning for retirement.

Ans: At 46 years old, you have a clear goal: a Rs. 5 crore corpus in the next 10 to 12 years. Your current investments and income provide a strong foundation, but fine-tuning your strategy will help you reach your target efficiently.

Current Investment Strategy
Mutual Funds:

You are investing Rs. 55,000 per month in mutual funds, focusing on a mix of mid-cap, flexi-cap, small-cap, and large-cap funds.
Your current mutual fund corpus is Rs. 10 lakh, which is a good start.
PPF, NPS, and PF:

Your combined PPF, NPS, and PF amount to Rs. 50 lakh. These are safe investments, offering moderate returns with tax benefits.
Assessing Your Goals
Given your goal of Rs. 5 crore in 10 to 12 years, a disciplined approach is crucial. Your existing investments are diverse, but focusing on the right allocation and increasing your SIPs could make a significant difference.

Recommendations for Better Planning
Increase SIP Contributions:

If possible, consider increasing your SIP from Rs. 55,000 to Rs. 70,000 per month. This will help in reaching your Rs. 5 crore target more comfortably.
Focus on Equity Funds:

Continue with your equity-focused mutual funds but consider reviewing your portfolio periodically. Make sure your portfolio remains aligned with your risk tolerance and market conditions.
Avoid Sector-Specific Funds:

Keep a balanced portfolio. Avoid over-exposure to any single sector to reduce the risk of volatility.
NPS Contribution:

Increase your NPS contributions if you haven't maxed out your tax-saving limit. NPS offers a good mix of equity and debt, which helps in long-term growth with some level of safety.
PPF Contributions:

Continue with your PPF contributions as it offers tax-free returns. This will act as a stable component in your overall portfolio.
Review Your Portfolio Annually:

Conduct an annual review of your portfolio to ensure it remains on track. Adjust your investments based on market trends and personal circumstances.
Tax Efficiency
Tax Planning:

Utilize the tax benefits offered by PPF, NPS, and ELSS funds. This will maximize your post-tax returns and enhance your overall corpus.
Capital Gains Management:

Be mindful of long-term capital gains tax when rebalancing your mutual fund portfolio. Plan withdrawals accordingly to minimize tax liability.
Emergency Fund
Maintain Liquidity:

Ensure you have 6-12 months' worth of expenses in a liquid fund or savings account. This will safeguard you against any unexpected financial needs without disrupting your long-term investments.
Final Insights
You are well on your way to achieving your retirement goal. By slightly increasing your SIPs and focusing on tax-efficient investments, you can confidently reach your Rs. 5 crore target in the next decade. Regular portfolio reviews and disciplined investing will ensure that your financial future remains secure.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 29, 2024

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I work for PSU and still have 20 years of service. Annual package is 14 lacs. I have NPS corpus of around 22 lacs and monthly addition of 35000/- till retirement. I have housing loan 40 lacs and car loan 5 lacs and investing in mutual funds 20000/- per month in 4 different small cap, gold fund and debt fund. Also invested in Bank fd, RBI bond and SGB and for daughter 07 years in sukanya scheme 30000/- per year. I don't have pension scheme which was removed by government. How can I further plan for my retirement.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your financial details and goals. It's great that you are thinking ahead about your retirement planning. With a structured approach, you can achieve a secure and comfortable retirement. Let's analyze your current situation and devise a comprehensive plan.

Current Financial Overview
Your annual package is Rs. 14 lakhs, and you have 20 years of service left in your Public Sector Undertaking (PSU) job. Here’s a summary of your current financial status:

NPS Corpus: Rs. 22 lakhs with a monthly addition of Rs. 35,000 until retirement.
Housing Loan: Rs. 40 lakhs.
Car Loan: Rs. 5 lakhs.
Mutual Funds Investment: Rs. 20,000 per month in small-cap, gold fund, and debt fund.
Bank FD, RBI Bond, and SGB: Additional investments.
Sukanya Samriddhi Scheme: Rs. 30,000 per year for your daughter.
No Pension Scheme: Government pension scheme removed.
Retirement Planning Strategy
To achieve a comfortable retirement, follow these strategic steps:

1. Increase NPS Contributions
Your NPS contributions are substantial, but maximizing them can enhance your retirement corpus. NPS offers tax benefits and is a low-cost investment option. Given the power of compounding, increasing your monthly contributions, if feasible, will significantly boost your retirement savings.

2. Manage Your Loans Effectively
Focus on repaying your housing and car loans efficiently. High-interest loans can eat into your savings. Consider these strategies:

Prepay Your Loans: Use any surplus funds or bonuses to prepay a portion of your loans. This reduces the principal amount and interest burden.
Increase EMI Payments: If possible, increase your EMI payments to shorten the loan tenure and reduce overall interest.
3. Diversify Your Mutual Fund Investments
Your current investment in mutual funds is a good start. However, diversification is key to balancing risk and returns. Here’s a suggested allocation:

Equity Funds: Allocate a portion to large-cap and mid-cap funds. These offer stability and growth potential.
Debt Funds: Continue investing in debt funds for stability and lower risk.
Gold Fund: Gold is a good hedge against inflation but limit exposure to 5-10% of your portfolio.
4. Evaluate and Rebalance Your Portfolio
Regularly evaluate the performance of your investments. Rebalancing ensures your portfolio aligns with your risk tolerance and financial goals. Aim to review your portfolio at least once a year.

5. Maximize Tax Savings
Utilize all available tax-saving instruments under Section 80C and 80CCD:

PPF: Consider additional investments in PPF for tax benefits and secure returns.
ELSS Funds: Equity-Linked Savings Schemes offer tax benefits and potential for high returns.
6. Increase Investments Gradually
As your income grows, gradually increase your investments. Aim to increase your SIPs in mutual funds and contributions to PPF and NPS. This disciplined approach ensures steady growth in your investment corpus.

7. Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of your expenses. This provides a financial cushion in case of unexpected events. Keep this fund in a liquid, easily accessible form like a savings account or liquid fund.

8. Plan for Daughter’s Education and Marriage
The Sukanya Samriddhi Scheme is a great start for your daughter's future. Additionally, consider investing in a child education plan or dedicated mutual funds for her education and marriage expenses.

Calculating Future Corpus
With disciplined saving and investment, you can build a substantial corpus. Let’s project your NPS corpus and mutual fund investments:

NPS Corpus Growth
Assuming a conservative annual return of 8% and continuing your monthly contribution of Rs. 35,000:

Your NPS corpus can grow significantly over 20 years.
Mutual Funds Growth
With an average annual return of 12% from mutual funds:

Your monthly SIPs of Rs. 20,000 can accumulate a substantial amount in 20 years.
Additional Investments
Your investments in PPF, FDs, RBI Bonds, and SGBs will also contribute to your retirement corpus. Ensure these investments are aligned with your overall financial goals.

Generating Post-Retirement Income
To achieve financial security post-retirement, create a diversified income stream:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Use SWPs in mutual funds to generate a regular income.
Annuity Plans: Consider investing a portion of your corpus in annuity plans for a steady income.
Interest and Dividends: Income from fixed deposits, bonds, and SGBs will add to your monthly cash flow.
Regular Monitoring and Adjustment
Regularly monitor your portfolio and adjust based on market conditions and life changes. Consulting with a Certified Financial Planner ensures your strategy remains effective and aligned with your goals.

Importance of Professional Guidance
A Certified Financial Planner can provide tailored advice, helping you optimize your investment strategy. Their expertise ensures you make informed decisions, maximizing returns while managing risk.

Conclusion
You are on the right track with your current investments and financial discipline. By increasing your NPS contributions, managing loans effectively, diversifying your portfolio, and maximizing tax savings, you can build a substantial retirement corpus. Regular monitoring and professional guidance will further ensure financial security. With a strategic approach, you can achieve your retirement goal of Rs. 2 crore and enjoy a comfortable post-retirement life.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 19, 2024

Money
Hi Sir, I'm 40 in a job , earning around 1.40 L /month approx after dedcutions, Currently investing 60K monthly in SIPs in Quant MF (Small Cap - 10 k / Mid Cap-12.5K) Parag Parikh Flexi Cap-12.5K/ HDFC defence Fund-10 K, Nippon Large Cap-10K/ Mirae Asset Emerging Equity-5 K) MF holding 40 Lakhs , PPF-24 Lacs Matured after 15 years, EPF Balance- 30L, 62K Home Loan EMI (167 Months remaining), Real estate Worth - 6.5 Cr jointly with Father ,NPS-11 lacs, Direct Stocks-18 Lacs. Expenses are 50K.. Father is also getting pension 50K and helping in monthly expenses of around 25K... How can I do better for retirement planning?
Ans: Current Financial Snapshot
Let's break down your current financial position:

Monthly Income: Rs. 1.40 lakh (after deductions)
Monthly Expenses: Rs. 50,000 (with Rs. 25,000 support from your father's pension)
Monthly SIP Investments: Rs. 60,000 in various mutual funds
Home Loan EMI: Rs. 62,000 (167 months remaining)
Total Mutual Fund Holdings: Rs. 40 lakhs
PPF Balance: Rs. 24 lakhs (matured after 15 years)
EPF Balance: Rs. 30 lakhs
NPS Balance: Rs. 11 lakhs
Direct Stocks: Rs. 18 lakhs
Real Estate: Rs. 6.5 crore (jointly with your father)
Father's Pension: Rs. 50,000 per month (contributing Rs. 25,000 towards household expenses)
Retirement Planning Overview
Your financial profile is strong with a diversified asset base. Let's analyze your current situation and explore how you can optimize your retirement planning:

**1. Review Current Investments
Mutual Funds:

Your SIPs are spread across various funds, including small-cap, mid-cap, large-cap, and sectoral funds like the HDFC Defence Fund.
Recommendation: Review the performance of each fund annually. Consider the long-term performance (5+ years) and consistency of returns. Continue investing in funds that align with your risk profile and financial goals.
Direct Stocks:

You have Rs. 18 lakhs invested in direct stocks, which adds to your equity exposure.
Recommendation: Regularly monitor your stock portfolio. Consider rebalancing if any stock has underperformed significantly.
PPF and EPF:

Your PPF and EPF balances provide stability to your portfolio. These investments are safe and offer tax benefits.
Recommendation: Continue contributing to your EPF through your employer and review your PPF contributions. Since your PPF has matured, you can reinvest or continue the account for 5 years at a time to benefit from tax-free returns.
NPS:

Your NPS balance of Rs. 11 lakhs is a good start towards retirement. NPS provides a mix of equity, corporate bonds, and government securities.
Recommendation: Keep contributing to NPS for its tax benefits and potential to grow over time. Ensure your allocation between equity and debt aligns with your risk tolerance.
**2. Managing Liabilities
Home Loan:

Your home loan EMI is Rs. 62,000, with 167 months remaining.
Recommendation: Consider prepaying your home loan when possible. Reducing your debt before retirement will lower your financial burden. Since your father helps with expenses, you might have some surplus to channel towards prepayment.
**3. Optimizing Asset Allocation
Given your diversified portfolio, ensure a balanced allocation across asset classes:

Equity (Mutual Funds + Stocks): Currently, a significant portion of your portfolio is in equity (through mutual funds and direct stocks). This is good for growth, but review and rebalance periodically.
Debt (PPF + EPF + NPS): Your PPF, EPF, and NPS provide the necessary debt exposure. These instruments offer stability and lower risk.
Real Estate: Real estate forms a large part of your portfolio. It's an illiquid asset but a substantial one.
Recommendation:

Aim for an asset allocation that matches your risk appetite and retirement goals. Typically, as you near retirement, gradually shift from high-risk investments (like small-cap equity) to safer, income-generating assets.
**4. **Planning for Retirement Corpus
To ensure a comfortable retirement, estimate the corpus you need:

Calculate Retirement Needs:

Consider your expected monthly expenses post-retirement (adjusted for inflation).
Factor in other income sources like pension or rental income (if applicable).
Build Your Corpus:

With your current savings and investments, you are on the right path. Continue your SIPs and consider increasing them if your income grows.
Maximize contributions to your EPF and NPS for tax efficiency.
**5. Risk Management and Insurance
Life Insurance:

Ensure you have adequate life insurance to protect your family’s financial future. Term insurance is a cost-effective way to secure high coverage.
Health Insurance:

Ensure you and your family are covered with comprehensive health insurance. This will safeguard your savings in case of medical emergencies.
**6. Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. This should be in a liquid or easily accessible form like a savings account or liquid mutual fund.

**7. Regular Monitoring and Review
Annual Review: Review your portfolio annually to assess performance and make necessary adjustments. This includes rebalancing your asset allocation and revisiting your financial goals.
Professional Guidance: Consider seeking advice from a Certified Financial Planner. They can provide personalized strategies to maximize your returns and minimize risks.
**8. Finally
Your financial discipline and diversified investments have set a strong foundation for retirement. With a strategic approach to managing your liabilities, optimizing your asset allocation, and planning for future needs, you can achieve a comfortable and secure retirement.

Continue with your current investments, and regularly review your portfolio to stay on track with your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 24, 2024

Money
My age is 53, I am planning to retire by March 2025, I have 2cr invested in Mutual filings, 2cr FD, 45 lakhs in post office. 25 lakhs in Jeevan Shanti, getting 12250 per month. 50 lakhs in saving Having own house, I need 2.5 lakhs per month. Please advise my retirement plans
Ans: Assessing Your Current Financial Position
You have done a commendable job accumulating a variety of investments as you approach retirement. Your current assets include:

Rs 2 crore invested in mutual funds
Rs 2 crore in fixed deposits
Rs 45 lakhs in post office schemes
Rs 25 lakhs in Jeevan Shanti, providing Rs 12,250 per month
Rs 50 lakhs in savings
You own your house, so no rent or loan obligations
Your monthly requirement is Rs 2.5 lakhs, and you plan to retire by March 2025. Let’s assess how to structure these investments to generate the income you need, while ensuring financial security throughout your retirement.

Financial Goals: Retirement Income of Rs 2.5 Lakhs Per Month
To meet your monthly requirement of Rs 2.5 lakhs, we need to carefully plan your investment portfolio for steady cash flow and long-term sustainability. Given your age and investment horizon, a balanced approach with a mix of growth and income-generating assets will be key.

Your current financial assets can generate a comfortable income stream with the right strategy. Let’s go over each asset class and plan the optimal way to structure them.

Evaluating Your Investments
1. Mutual Funds (Rs 2 Crore)
You have Rs 2 crore invested in mutual funds. Mutual funds can be a strong source of income in retirement, but the type of funds matters. Actively managed mutual funds with a focus on generating regular income or hybrid funds can provide both growth and income.

Regular Withdrawal Plan: A Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) can be set up to generate regular income from your mutual fund investments. SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount every month, providing liquidity while keeping your capital invested and growing.

Review Fund Types: Ensure that your mutual fund investments are diversified into funds that offer a balance between equity for growth and debt for stability. Large-cap and hybrid funds can offer this balance, helping you manage risk while still achieving returns that beat inflation.

Avoid relying solely on index funds or direct funds. Actively managed funds will give better returns in a volatile market because of professional oversight.

2. Fixed Deposits (Rs 2 Crore)
Your Rs 2 crore in fixed deposits provides stability, but the returns may not be enough to keep pace with inflation. Over time, the real value of this money could diminish.

Partial Reallocation for Higher Returns: Consider shifting a portion of your fixed deposit into balanced or conservative mutual funds. This will help increase returns while still maintaining safety. For example, you can allocate part of this into a debt-oriented mutual fund for consistent, inflation-beating returns.

Fixed Deposit Laddering: If you prefer keeping some portion in FDs, you can create a "ladder" by investing in FDs of different maturities. This strategy will help you manage liquidity needs while maximising returns.

3. Post Office Investments (Rs 45 Lakhs)
Your Rs 45 lakhs in post office schemes is another safe investment, and it’s advisable to retain these for their risk-free nature.

Retain for Stability: Post office schemes like Senior Citizen Saving Scheme (SCSS) and Monthly Income Scheme (MIS) are excellent for retirees. They provide a steady monthly income and are relatively safe. Continue holding these for the fixed monthly income.
4. Jeevan Shanti Policy (Rs 12,250 Per Month)
The Jeevan Shanti policy provides you with Rs 12,250 per month. This is a good start, but it covers only a small portion of your monthly needs.

Income Supplement: The monthly income from Jeevan Shanti can be used to cover smaller recurring expenses. However, you will still need additional income from your other investments to meet your Rs 2.5 lakh monthly requirement.
5. Savings (Rs 50 Lakhs)
You have Rs 50 lakhs in savings. While it’s good to have liquidity, savings accounts offer low returns and are not ideal for long-term goals.

Emergency Fund: Keep a portion of this Rs 50 lakhs (around 6 to 12 months of expenses) as an emergency fund in a savings account or liquid fund. This will cover any sudden or unforeseen expenses.

Reinvest Excess Savings: Any excess over the emergency fund can be reallocated to growth-oriented investments like balanced mutual funds or senior citizen savings schemes. This will provide better returns while maintaining access to the funds when needed.

Structuring Your Retirement Income
You need to generate Rs 2.5 lakh monthly, and here’s how your portfolio can be structured:

Jeevan Shanti Income: Rs 12,250 per month

Post Office Schemes: You can generate additional fixed monthly income from the Rs 45 lakhs invested here. SCSS or MIS can provide you with regular payouts.

This should cover a portion of your Rs 2.5 lakh requirement, but the remaining will need to come from your mutual funds and FD portfolio.

Strategy for Monthly Cash Flow
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Set up an SWP from your mutual fund investments. With Rs 2 crore in mutual funds, you can withdraw a fixed amount every month while still keeping the principal invested. This can easily generate a significant portion of your monthly income.

FD Laddering: Use your FDs to cover the balance of your income needs. By creating an FD ladder, you can ensure that a portion of your FDs matures every year, providing both liquidity and consistent income.

Inflation Protection and Growth
While generating current income is important, your investments need to grow to keep pace with inflation. Here’s how you can protect your portfolio from inflation:

Equity Exposure in Mutual Funds: Ensure a portion of your mutual funds is in equity-based funds, as they offer long-term growth potential. A balanced or hybrid mutual fund can provide equity exposure with lower risk.

Rebalancing Portfolio: Review your portfolio periodically to maintain the right balance between equity and debt. As you move further into retirement, you can slowly reduce the equity portion, but it should never be zero to protect against inflation.

Managing Risk and Liquidity
Retirement planning is not only about income generation but also risk management. You need to balance safety and liquidity with growth. Here’s how you can manage this:

Diversification: Keep a diverse portfolio. You already have investments across multiple instruments—mutual funds, fixed deposits, post office schemes, and Jeevan Shanti. This reduces risk.

Health Insurance: As you age, medical expenses could rise. Ensure you have comprehensive health insurance to cover medical emergencies without dipping into your retirement corpus.

Estate Planning: Plan for how your assets will be distributed in the future. This ensures that your loved ones are taken care of without legal complications.

Tax Efficiency
Generating income post-retirement can attract tax, so it’s important to structure your withdrawals in a tax-efficient manner.

Tax-Saving Investments: Make use of tax-saving mutual funds under Section 80C, even though you are close to retirement. This can reduce your tax burden.

Capital Gains Tax: Withdraw from your mutual funds in a way that minimises capital gains tax. Long-term capital gains tax is lower, so try to keep investments for over a year to benefit from this.

Senior Citizen Tax Benefits: As a senior citizen, you are eligible for higher tax deductions. Utilise benefits under Sections 80D (for health insurance premiums) and 80TTB (for interest income).

Final Insights
You have built a solid financial base with Rs 4.7 crore in investments. To meet your retirement goal of Rs 2.5 lakh monthly income, we recommend a balanced approach. Continue generating income from your Jeevan Shanti, post office schemes, and fixed deposits. For additional income and growth, use an SWP from your mutual funds, and consider reallocating a portion of your FDs to mutual funds for better returns.

Regular reviews and portfolio rebalancing will ensure that your investments keep up with inflation while providing a steady, reliable income.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |955 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

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Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

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Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

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