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53 Years Old, Rs. 1.92 Crore - Can I Retire in 6 Years with Rs. 1.5 Lakh/Month?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 30, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Manish Question by Manish on Aug 30, 2024Hindi
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I am 53Years and I have 91Lacs in Mutual fund, SIP of 37K which I can continue for 5 more years, FD of Rs.35Lacs, PPF of Rs.60Lacs. I want to retire by 2029 and I want to have Rs.1.5Lacs per month. Kindly advice.

Ans: Assessment of Current Financial Situation
You are 53 years old with a plan to retire in 2029. You have a substantial investment portfolio:

Rs. 91 lakhs in mutual funds.

SIP of Rs. 37,000 per month, which you can continue for five more years.

Fixed Deposits (FDs) worth Rs. 35 lakhs.

Public Provident Fund (PPF) with a corpus of Rs. 60 lakhs.

Your target is to have Rs. 1.5 lakhs per month post-retirement. Let’s analyze your situation and how you can achieve this goal.

Continue SIPs Until Retirement
Your SIPs of Rs. 37,000 per month will compound significantly over the next five years. This steady investment is crucial for your retirement corpus.

Stay Invested: Keep your SIPs going until 2029. This will allow your investments to grow and provide a cushion against inflation.

Rebalance Periodically: As you approach retirement, consider gradually shifting some funds from equity to debt to reduce risk.

Fixed Deposits: Reevaluate and Strategize
Your FDs are a safe but low-return investment. With Rs. 35 lakhs in FDs, the interest may not keep up with inflation.

Consider Partial Redeployment: You might consider moving a portion of your FDs into debt mutual funds or hybrid funds. This will potentially give you better returns while keeping risk under control.

Laddering Strategy: If you prefer FDs, consider laddering them to benefit from varying interest rates and liquidity.

Maximizing PPF Returns
Your PPF corpus of Rs. 60 lakhs is a strong pillar of your retirement plan. PPF offers tax-free returns, which is a significant advantage.

Continue Contributing: If possible, continue contributing the maximum limit of Rs. 1.5 lakhs per year until retirement. This will help your corpus grow further.

Avoid Premature Withdrawals: Allow the PPF to compound until maturity. The longer you keep it, the better your tax-free returns.

Diversification and Risk Management
To ensure a balanced portfolio, you need to manage the risk associated with different asset classes.

Debt Funds for Stability: Consider increasing your exposure to debt funds as you near retirement. This will help in preserving your capital.

Equity Exposure: While equity is essential for growth, gradually reducing exposure as you approach retirement will reduce risk.

Hybrid Funds: These funds can offer a balance of equity and debt, providing moderate risk with decent returns. Consider these as you approach retirement.

Income Generation Post-Retirement
To achieve your goal of Rs. 1.5 lakhs per month post-retirement, your corpus needs to be strategically managed.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Post-retirement, you can set up an SWP from your mutual fund investments. This will provide you with regular income while keeping your corpus invested.

Debt Mutual Funds: A portion of your corpus can be invested in debt funds. They are relatively safe and can offer regular returns.

PPF Interest: After retirement, the interest from your PPF can be a tax-free income stream.

Inflation Consideration
Inflation can erode your purchasing power over time. It's crucial to plan for an income that increases to counter inflation.

Equity Component: Continue with a small equity exposure post-retirement to combat inflation. This could be in the form of hybrid funds or a balanced portfolio.

Regular Review: Regularly review your investments to ensure they are performing well and adjust if necessary.

Insurance and Contingency Planning
While your focus is on retirement, it’s important not to neglect risk management.

Health Insurance: Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage. Medical costs can deplete your retirement corpus quickly.

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund separate from your retirement corpus. This will help you handle unforeseen expenses without affecting your retirement funds.

Final Insights
You are on the right track with a strong foundation for your retirement. With Rs. 91 lakhs in mutual funds, substantial SIPs, FDs, and PPF, your goal of Rs. 1.5 lakhs per month is achievable. It’s important to stay disciplined, regularly review your portfolio, and adjust your strategy as needed. By diversifying wisely and considering inflation, you can ensure a comfortable and financially secure retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Hello Sir, My current age is 45 yrs & take home salary is 1.5 Lacs , i want to retire at the age of 60 with 5cr corpuses..please suggest SIPs & MF
Ans: It's great to see your proactive approach towards retirement planning. Achieving a corpus of 5 crores by the age of 60 is an ambitious yet achievable goal with proper planning and disciplined investing. Here are some suggestions for SIPs and mutual funds to help you work towards your retirement goal:

Determine Investment Amount:
Start by assessing how much you can comfortably invest each month towards your retirement goal. Since you're aiming for a substantial corpus, consider maximizing your SIP contributions to the extent possible.
Selecting SIPs:
Opt for a diversified portfolio of mutual funds across various categories such as large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and flexi-cap funds.
Allocate your SIP investments based on your risk tolerance, time horizon, and investment objectives.
Consider SIPs with a consistent track record of delivering above-average returns over the long term.
Recommended Mutual Funds:
Large-cap funds: These funds invest in established companies with stable track records and are relatively less volatile.
Mid-cap and small-cap funds: These funds have the potential to generate higher returns over the long term but come with higher volatility. Invest in them cautiously.
Flexi-cap funds: These funds offer flexibility to invest across market capitalizations based on market conditions and fund manager's discretion.
Consider SIPs in reputable mutual fund schemes with a proven track record of wealth creation and consistent performance.
Consultation and Review:
It's essential to periodically review your investment portfolio and make adjustments based on changing market conditions, financial goals, and risk appetite.
Consider consulting with a certified financial planner who can assess your financial situation, risk tolerance, and investment goals to provide personalized recommendations.
Discipline and Patience:
Remember that achieving long-term financial goals like retirement requires discipline, patience, and regular monitoring of your investments.
Stay committed to your SIPs, avoid succumbing to short-term market fluctuations, and focus on the long-term growth potential of your investments.
By adhering to a systematic investment approach, diversifying your portfolio, and staying focused on your retirement objective, you can work towards building a substantial corpus of 5 crores by the time you retire at the age of 60.

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 04, 2024Hindi
Money
Sir I am 48 and qant to retire by 55. I have 62 lakhs in Mutual funds (SIP) with monthly investment of rs 40000/month . PF corpus of 40 lakhs , PPF of 25lakhs , fixed property one 3BHK & One 2BHK , 5 acres crop land . I want 1.5lakhs /month post retirement . Your advice please
Ans: Retirement planning is essential for a comfortable and stress-free life. At 48, you have a solid foundation, but it is crucial to refine your strategy to ensure your retirement goals are met. Let’s delve into various aspects to create a robust plan.

Current Financial Snapshot
Mutual Funds
You have Rs 62 lakhs in mutual funds through SIPs, investing Rs 40,000 monthly. This is a strong base and indicates a disciplined approach to wealth creation.

Provident Fund
Your PF corpus of Rs 40 lakhs adds a significant cushion to your retirement fund. PF is a stable and low-risk investment, ensuring consistent growth.

Public Provident Fund
With Rs 25 lakhs in PPF, you have another reliable source of tax-free returns. PPF is an excellent long-term investment with good compounding benefits.

Real Estate
Owning a 3BHK and a 2BHK, along with 5 acres of crop land, provides tangible assets. While real estate offers security, consider its liquidity and maintenance costs.

Retirement Income Needs
Monthly Requirement
You aim for Rs 1.5 lakhs per month post-retirement. This amount should cover your living expenses, healthcare, and leisure activities.

Investment Strategy
Mutual Funds
Actively Managed Funds: Actively managed funds outperform index funds over time. They provide the advantage of professional management, aiming for higher returns. This approach ensures better alignment with market conditions.

Regular Funds vs. Direct Funds: Regular funds, managed by a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), offer personalized advice. The expertise of a CFP helps in navigating market complexities and adjusting the portfolio as needed.

Provident Fund and PPF
Consistency and Growth: Continue investing in PF and PPF to ensure steady growth and tax benefits. These funds provide stability to your retirement corpus.

Diversification
Balanced Portfolio: Maintain a balanced portfolio with a mix of equity and debt. This balance mitigates risks and ensures steady growth. Diversify across various sectors and asset classes.

Crop Land
Agricultural Income: Utilize your crop land for consistent agricultural income. Explore sustainable farming practices or leasing options to maximize returns.

Retirement Corpus Calculation
Future Value: Estimate the future value of your current investments. Regular reviews and adjustments by a CFP will help achieve your target corpus. Ensure your investments grow to meet your post-retirement needs.

Adjusting Investment Strategy
Increasing SIPs
Boost SIP Contributions: Consider increasing your SIP contributions gradually. This will enhance your mutual fund corpus over time, ensuring better returns.

Exploring New Avenues
Equity Funds: Allocate a portion of your portfolio to high-performing equity funds. Equities have the potential for higher returns, aiding in building a substantial corpus.

Debt Funds: Include debt funds for stability and regular income. Debt funds balance the risk-return equation, providing a safety net against market volatility.

Regular Reviews
Annual Check-ups: Conduct annual reviews of your portfolio with a CFP. Regular assessments ensure your investments are on track and aligned with your goals.

Healthcare and Emergency Fund
Health Insurance
Comprehensive Coverage: Ensure you have comprehensive health insurance coverage. Healthcare costs can be significant, and insurance protects your savings.

Emergency Fund
Accessible Savings: Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. This fund should be easily accessible for unforeseen situations.

Lifestyle and Expenses
Cost of Living
Inflation Adjustment: Factor in inflation while planning your post-retirement expenses. Ensure your corpus can sustain your lifestyle for the long term.

Lifestyle Choices
Budget Planning: Plan your budget to include leisure activities and hobbies. A well-balanced life post-retirement contributes to overall happiness and well-being.

Tax Planning
Efficient Tax Management
Tax-saving Instruments: Utilize tax-saving instruments to minimize tax liabilities. Investments in PPF, ELSS, and other tax-saving schemes help in efficient tax planning.

Withdrawals and Taxes
Planned Withdrawals: Plan your withdrawals from various investments to minimize tax impact. Consult with a CFP for tax-efficient withdrawal strategies.

Estate Planning
Will and Testament
Legal Documentation: Ensure you have a will in place. Proper estate planning ensures your assets are distributed according to your wishes.

Nomination and Succession
Clear Nominations: Review and update nominations for all your investments. Clear succession planning avoids legal complications and ensures smooth asset transfer.

Professional Guidance
Certified Financial Planner
Expert Advice: Engage with a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice. A CFP provides comprehensive financial planning, helping you achieve your retirement goals.

Regular Consultations
Ongoing Support: Regular consultations with your CFP ensure your plan adapts to changing circumstances. Continuous support helps in making informed decisions.

Final Insights
Planning for retirement is a continuous journey. You have a strong foundation with your current investments. Regular contributions, diversified portfolio, and professional guidance are key. Ensure your investments align with your goals, providing a secure and comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7704 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 13, 2024

Money
I am 41 now and want to retire at 48. Currently having 45 lakhs in MF, 22 lakhs in Epf, 2 lakhs in stocks. Investing 40k via sip in MF. Looking to generate 1.5 lakhs monthly on retirement. Kindly guide how to achieve.
Ans: Congratulations on your progress towards retirement. You have built a significant portfolio and shown dedication with your consistent SIP investments. Your goal to generate Rs 1.5 lakhs monthly upon retirement in seven years is ambitious but achievable with careful planning and disciplined execution.

Current Financial Snapshot

You currently have Rs 45 lakhs in mutual funds, Rs 22 lakhs in EPF, and Rs 2 lakhs in stocks. Additionally, you are investing Rs 40,000 per month in mutual funds via SIP. This total of Rs 69 lakhs is a solid foundation for your retirement planning.

Importance of a Clear Retirement Plan

Creating a clear and detailed retirement plan is crucial. Knowing your exact retirement needs, inflation rates, and expected returns will help in formulating a precise strategy. Your target is to generate Rs 1.5 lakhs per month, which translates to Rs 18 lakhs annually. Considering inflation and life expectancy, the corpus required for this goal needs careful calculation.

Role of Mutual Funds in Your Portfolio

Mutual funds are versatile and can provide the growth needed to build your retirement corpus. Actively managed funds, in particular, can offer better returns than index funds by leveraging market opportunities. Diversifying across various mutual fund categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and hybrid funds will optimize your portfolio's risk-return profile.

Disadvantages of Index Funds

Index funds merely replicate market indices and deliver average market returns. They don't capitalize on market inefficiencies or provide the potential for outperformance that actively managed funds can offer. For someone targeting high returns, especially with a limited time frame like seven years, actively managed funds are more suitable.

Benefits of Regular Funds Over Direct Funds

Direct funds might have lower expense ratios, but they lack the professional advice crucial for strategic investment decisions. Investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a CFP credential offers personalized guidance. A CFP can help align your investments with your financial goals, ensuring optimal asset allocation and timely portfolio rebalancing.

Asset Allocation Strategy

Proper asset allocation is vital to achieve your retirement goal. A mix of equity, debt, and gold can balance growth and stability. Equities, despite their volatility, offer high growth potential essential for building your corpus. Debt instruments provide stability and regular income, while gold acts as a hedge against inflation.

Equity Investments

Equity investments should form the core of your portfolio due to their growth potential. Investing in a diversified set of mutual funds, including large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds, can maximize returns. Large-cap funds offer stability, while mid-cap and small-cap funds provide higher growth potential albeit with increased risk.

Debt Investments

Debt funds are crucial for stability and income generation. They invest in fixed-income securities like government bonds, corporate bonds, and money market instruments. Including debt funds in your portfolio can provide a steady return and act as a buffer during market downturns.

Hybrid Funds

Hybrid funds invest in both equity and debt, offering a balanced approach. Aggressive hybrid funds with a higher equity component can provide substantial growth, while conservative hybrid funds with a higher debt component offer stability. These funds can be an excellent addition to your portfolio for balanced growth.

Importance of Emergency Fund

Ensure you have an emergency fund covering at least six months of living expenses. This fund provides financial security during unexpected events like medical emergencies or job loss. It should be easily accessible, preferably kept in a savings account or a liquid fund.

Review and Monitor Your Portfolio

Regularly reviewing and monitoring your portfolio is essential. This ensures your investments remain aligned with your retirement goals and risk tolerance. Periodic reviews with your CFP can help identify underperforming investments, rebalance your portfolio, and make necessary adjustments in response to market changes.

Tax Efficiency in Investments

Tax planning is an integral part of retirement planning. Different investments have different tax implications. Equity mutual funds held for more than one year qualify for long-term capital gains (LTCG) tax, currently at 10% on gains exceeding Rs 1 lakh annually. Debt funds held for more than three years qualify for LTCG tax at 20% with indexation benefits, significantly reducing taxable gains.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) for Regular Income

Upon retirement, a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) can provide a regular income stream. SWPs allow you to withdraw a fixed amount from your mutual fund investments at regular intervals, ensuring a steady income while keeping the rest of the corpus invested. This strategy can effectively meet your monthly income requirement.

Inflation and Life Expectancy Considerations

Inflation erodes purchasing power over time, so it's crucial to factor it into your retirement planning. Assume a moderate inflation rate to ensure your retirement corpus lasts your entire life. Additionally, consider your life expectancy to avoid outliving your savings. These factors will help determine the required corpus more accurately.

Building a Retirement Corpus

Given your current investments and ongoing SIPs, calculate the future value of your investments at an expected rate of return. This will help estimate the corpus at the time of your retirement. A CFP can assist in these calculations and in determining if additional investments or adjustments are needed to meet your retirement goals.

Leveraging Your EPF

Your Employee Provident Fund (EPF) is a valuable asset for retirement. It offers a fixed return and acts as a safety net. Ensure to keep contributing to it and avoid premature withdrawals. The accumulated amount at retirement will significantly contribute to your retirement corpus.

Stock Investments

Your current stock investments, though small, can grow significantly over time. Regularly monitor and review your stock portfolio. Consider adding more high-quality stocks with good growth potential. Diversification within your stock portfolio can also reduce risk.

Health Insurance and Medical Expenses

Medical expenses can be a significant drain on retirement savings. Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage to protect against high medical costs. Consider a comprehensive health insurance plan that covers hospitalization, critical illnesses, and other medical expenses.

Estate Planning

Estate planning ensures your assets are distributed according to your wishes after your demise. It involves creating a will, naming beneficiaries, and setting up trusts if necessary. Proper estate planning can prevent legal disputes and ensure a smooth transfer of assets to your heirs.

Consulting a Certified Financial Planner

A Certified Financial Planner can provide personalized advice tailored to your financial situation and retirement goals. They can help create a comprehensive retirement plan, covering aspects like investment strategy, tax planning, and estate planning. Regular consultations with your CFP ensure your retirement plan stays on track.

Final Insights

Retiring at 48 and generating Rs 1.5 lakhs monthly requires meticulous planning and disciplined execution. By diversifying your investments, regularly monitoring your portfolio, and leveraging the expertise of a Certified Financial Planner, you can achieve your retirement goals. Stay focused on your long-term objectives, and make informed decisions to secure a comfortable and financially stable retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
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Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
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My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

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How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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