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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 13, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Muten Question by Muten on Jun 11, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 50 and I have approx 9cr + 2 properties worth 7 cr. All my investments atm are in equities (MF 90% (high and medium risk) and 10 % stock). One of the property price is stuck at 3.5 cr from last 10 years. Not sure if I should sell this property and put the money into stocks. I do not need more than 1 lakh per month as I plan to retire in small town and I have a very simple life. So, if i keep aside approx 20 lakh every year and leave rest as invested, How much you think I can conveniently generate from these. Also, do you suggest selling the property and investing this in stocks as I do not want to carry a hassle of maintaining the property and need freedom to go anywhere and live. However if I sell the property I expect 60% will come to me as black and 40% will be white. So I can only invest 50%.

Ans: Firstly, congratulations on building a substantial asset base. Your prudent investments and property holdings reflect a keen eye for financial planning. At 50, planning for a relaxed retirement in a small town is a great choice. Given your current investments and lifestyle, let’s delve into a comprehensive strategy to maximize your returns and simplify your financial life.

Understanding Your Current Financial Position

You have Rs 9 crore in equity investments and two properties worth Rs 7 crore. One of the properties has not appreciated in value for the past decade. Your equity portfolio is well-diversified with 90% in mutual funds (high and medium risk) and 10% in stocks. You aim for a monthly income of Rs 1 lakh and want to set aside Rs 20 lakh annually, leaving the rest invested.

Creating a Monthly Income Stream

To generate a monthly income of Rs 1 lakh, you need investments that offer stability and regular returns. Let’s explore how you can achieve this through a mix of investment avenues.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) in Mutual Funds

An SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount regularly from your mutual fund investments. This provides a steady income while keeping the remaining corpus invested for growth. Given your substantial mutual fund holdings, an SWP can be an effective strategy. You can set up an SWP to withdraw Rs 1 lakh per month, ensuring a reliable income stream.

Debt Mutual Funds and Fixed Deposits

Consider allocating a portion of your corpus to debt mutual funds and fixed deposits. These instruments offer stability and predictable returns. Debt mutual funds can provide better post-tax returns compared to fixed deposits, making them a suitable choice for regular income.

Public Provident Fund (PPF) and Senior Citizens’ Savings Scheme (SCSS)

Although you are not a senior citizen yet, once you reach 60, SCSS can be an excellent investment for regular income. Meanwhile, you can continue contributing to your PPF account. Both these schemes offer tax benefits and secure returns, adding stability to your portfolio.

Selling the Underperforming Property

You mentioned the property valued at Rs 3.5 crore has been stagnant for a decade. Selling this property can free you from maintenance hassles and provide liquidity for better investments.

Considerations Before Selling

Before deciding to sell, weigh the potential black money issue. If 60% of the sale proceeds are in black money, it limits your reinvestment options. Ensure you understand the legal and tax implications. Consulting a legal advisor can help navigate this aspect.

Investing Sale Proceeds in Stocks

While equities offer high growth potential, investing a large lump sum at once can be risky. Market timing and volatility are significant concerns. Instead, consider a phased approach through Systematic Transfer Plans (STP) or gradually increasing your equity exposure.

Balanced Portfolio Approach

A balanced portfolio with a mix of equity, debt, and other instruments reduces risk and ensures steady returns. Given your substantial corpus, preserving capital while ensuring growth is essential. Let’s explore the components of a balanced portfolio.

Equity Investments

Continue investing in mutual funds and stocks, but with a balanced approach. Allocate a portion to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability, and the rest to mid-cap and small-cap funds for growth. Regularly review and rebalance your equity portfolio to align with market conditions and your risk tolerance.

Debt Investments

Debt mutual funds, fixed deposits, and government schemes should form a significant part of your portfolio. These instruments provide predictable returns and safeguard against market volatility. Ensure your debt investments are diversified across different types and maturities.

Gold Investments

Gold is a good hedge against inflation and market risks. Consider allocating 5-10% of your portfolio to gold through gold ETFs or sovereign gold bonds. This adds a layer of security and diversification.

Health and Life Insurance

Ensure you have adequate health and life insurance coverage. Medical emergencies can deplete your savings, and having a robust insurance plan protects your financial stability. Life insurance ensures your loved ones are secure in case of unforeseen events.

Tax Planning

Efficient tax planning enhances your returns. Utilize tax-saving instruments and strategies to minimize your tax liability. This ensures more funds are available for investment and income generation.

Setting Up a Contingency Fund

A contingency fund covering at least six months of expenses is crucial. This fund acts as a buffer during emergencies and prevents disruptions in your financial plan. Keep this fund in liquid instruments like savings accounts or liquid mutual funds.

Phased Withdrawal Strategy

Instead of withdrawing a large amount at once, adopt a phased withdrawal strategy. This ensures your investments continue to grow while providing the required income. Review your withdrawal strategy annually to align with your financial needs and market conditions.

Final Insights

Your financial foundation is strong, and with prudent planning, you can enjoy a comfortable retirement. Selling the underperforming property can provide liquidity for better investments, but consider the black money implications carefully. A balanced portfolio approach, combining equity, debt, and gold, ensures growth and stability. Setting up a systematic withdrawal plan and having adequate insurance coverage further secures your financial future. Regularly review and adjust your financial plan to stay aligned with your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 10, 2024Hindi
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Hi..I am 49 years old I have Stocks of Rs.1.40 Crores, PPF Rs. 20 Lakhs, EPF Rs.25 Lakhs, Rs 20 Lakhs in SGV and Mutual Fund., Real Estate of Rs.55 Lakhs Purchase value with a loan of Rs.24 Lakhs outstanding. I want to purchase a house of Rs.1.60 Crore. Monthly avilable to investment 1.5 lakhs Job is at stake now..Should I purchase the house for staying AT 58 YEARS if job is not yhere in 8 months down the line. Also if I purchase the 2nd house for staying, should I sell the first house which I can get Rs.35 to Rs.40 lalhs after paying my loan and pay for 2nd house or invest in mutual fud and withdraw from the corpus. Secondly. Should I sell part of my stock to pay part of my 2nd house purchase or keep the sale proceeds in Mutual fund and then do a sWP and pay the 2nd house. Thirdly, Stocks I have got about 15 to 10 percent returns in last 2 years Should I keep the complete stock or take out 40 or 50 percent and invest in Mid cap and small cap mutual funds? Fourth If you want to invest 50 lakhs in Small and Mid cap funds..Is it better to go for 4 funds (2 in each category )or 2 funds ( one is each category)
Ans: Current Financial Situation
Assets
Stocks: Rs 1.40 crores
PPF: Rs 20 lakhs
EPF: Rs 25 lakhs
SGBs: Rs 20 lakhs
Mutual Funds: Rs 20 lakhs
Real Estate: Rs 55 lakhs (purchase value) with an outstanding loan of Rs 24 lakhs
Income and Investment Capacity
Monthly Available for Investment: Rs 1.5 lakhs
Job Security: At risk, with potential job loss in 8 months
Goals and Questions
Purchasing a House for Rs 1.60 Crores
You plan to buy a second house for Rs 1.60 crores. You are considering selling your current house and using the proceeds, along with your investments, to fund the purchase.

Key Questions
Should I purchase the house for staying at 58 years if job is not secure?
Should I sell the first house and use the proceeds for the second house, or invest in mutual funds and withdraw from the corpus?
Should I sell part of my stocks to pay for the second house, or keep the proceeds in mutual funds and use SWP?
Should I move some stock investments to mid-cap and small-cap mutual funds?
Is it better to invest Rs 50 lakhs in small and mid-cap funds across 2 or 4 funds?
Detailed Analysis
Purchasing the House
Job Security and Financial Stability
Given the potential job loss, ensure financial stability first. Buying a house worth Rs 1.60 crores may strain your finances if your job is at risk.

Using Proceeds from the First House
Selling the First House
Proceeds: Selling the first house can get you Rs 35-40 lakhs after paying off the loan. This can be used towards the purchase of the second house.
Investing in Mutual Funds
Investing Proceeds: If you invest the proceeds in mutual funds, you can withdraw through a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) to fund the second house. This approach can offer better returns compared to keeping the funds idle.
Selling Stocks for the Second House
Selling Stocks
Partial Sale: Consider selling part of your stock portfolio. This can provide liquidity for the house purchase. However, do not liquidate all stocks, as they offer growth potential.
Investing in Mutual Funds
SWP Strategy: Transfer the sale proceeds to mutual funds and use an SWP for steady payments towards the house. This offers tax efficiency and better returns.
Stock Portfolio Adjustment
Current Returns
Returns: Your stocks have given 10-15% returns over the last two years. This is a decent performance.
Diversifying to Mutual Funds
Reallocation: Moving 40-50% of your stock investments to mid-cap and small-cap mutual funds can diversify your risk and offer higher growth potential.
Investment in Mid-Cap and Small-Cap Funds
Number of Funds
4 Funds Approach: Invest Rs 50 lakhs across 4 funds (2 in mid-cap and 2 in small-cap). This diversifies your risk and provides exposure to different fund management styles.
Recommendations
Prioritise Financial Stability
Ensure you have enough liquidity and emergency funds, given your job risk.
Avoid making large financial commitments like purchasing a new house if job security is uncertain.
Using First House Proceeds
Sell your first house and use the proceeds towards the second house.
If not buying immediately, invest the proceeds in mutual funds and use SWP for payments.
Managing Stock Investments
Sell a portion of your stocks to generate liquidity.
Reinvest in mutual funds, especially mid-cap and small-cap, for better diversification and potential returns.
Mutual Fund Strategy
Invest Rs 50 lakhs in 4 funds (2 mid-cap, 2 small-cap) for balanced diversification.
Ensure the funds are actively managed for better performance.
Final Insights
Maintain financial stability given your job situation. Diversify your investments to reduce risk. Prioritise liquidity and ensure you have enough funds to cover potential job loss. Consider professional advice for a tailored strategy.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 11, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi Sir I am in metro city where real estate is booming a lot . Last 5 to 10 yrs real estate is in good shape with good returns. I didn't get much chances to invest due to unavailability of funds. Recently my stocks has given me a good return and in position to invest in real estate market of sum around 90 lakhs. The stocks which am holding also has provided good return for me almost 50 percent and little more. There is chance for it double the amount in coming 4 yrs as per the target set by company. My question is : I have a home loan around 1 cr + and some 30 lakhs renovation in next year. But I am jus thinking to go for topup instead of utilising the stocks. I want to invest my stocks amount 90 lakhs to real estate . Which is giving me almost 40 lakhs return where am investing under pressure launch scheme. Real estate brand is reputed no worries on that. In 4 yrs span it would definitely double the amount . My stocks also has chances of doubling same amount with unpredictable market conditions considering lot of factors too . Should I risk in real estate or keep the stock amount without selling it ? Please advise ..
Ans: You are considering an investment in real estate with Rs. 90 lakhs, which could yield good returns in the current booming market. Simultaneously, you have stocks that have performed well, providing a return of over 50%. You're in a dilemma about whether to invest in real estate or continue holding your stocks. Let's explore this decision with a thorough analysis.

Current Financial Landscape
Stock Portfolio: Your stocks have already provided a return of 50%. You anticipate doubling this amount in the next 4 years.

Home Loan: You have a home loan of over Rs. 1 crore, with plans to spend Rs. 30 lakhs on renovations next year.

Top-Up Loan Consideration: Instead of using your stock gains, you’re considering a top-up loan for the renovation.

Real Estate Opportunity: You have an opportunity to invest in a reputed real estate project under a pressure launch scheme. You believe this investment could double in value over the next 4 years.

Stock Market vs. Real Estate: A Comparative Analysis
1. Liquidity and Accessibility
Stock Market: Stocks are highly liquid. You can buy or sell them easily without much hassle. This liquidity offers flexibility in case of an emergency.

Real Estate: Real estate is a more illiquid investment. It could take time to find a buyer and convert your investment back into cash. If you need immediate funds, this could be a limitation.

2. Market Conditions and Risks
Stock Market: The stock market is volatile, but you’ve already seen substantial returns. If you stay invested, the potential for future growth remains. However, market fluctuations can impact your returns, especially in the short term.

Real Estate: Real estate markets can be unpredictable despite the current boom. They are subject to location-specific factors, economic conditions, and policy changes. While the prospect of doubling your investment is enticing, it is not guaranteed.

3. Potential Returns
Stock Market: Historically, the stock market has provided higher returns over the long term. The companies you’ve invested in seem promising, with the potential to double in the coming years. Staying invested could amplify your wealth.

Real Estate: Real estate can provide good returns, especially in booming markets. However, these returns are typically realized over a longer period. The projected doubling in 4 years is optimistic but could vary depending on market conditions.

4. Tax Implications
Stock Market: Long-term capital gains from stocks have tax advantages, especially if held for more than a year. This can help in reducing your tax liability while maximizing returns.

Real Estate: Real estate gains are subject to capital gains tax, which can be significant. Additionally, real estate transactions often involve various other costs, such as stamp duty and registration fees, which can impact overall returns.

5. Diversification and Risk Management
Stock Market: By staying in the stock market, you maintain a diversified portfolio. This can help in managing risks effectively. Additionally, you have the flexibility to rebalance your portfolio based on market conditions.

Real Estate: Investing a large sum like Rs. 90 lakhs in a single property increases concentration risk. If the property market doesn’t perform as expected, your investment could be at higher risk. Real estate also lacks the ease of diversification that stocks provide.

The Case for Mutual Funds: A Balanced Approach
Considering the risks and rewards of both the stock market and real estate, a middle ground could be to explore mutual funds. Mutual funds offer a balanced approach to investing, combining growth potential with risk management.

1. Systematic Investment and Withdrawal Plans
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): If you are not fully confident in the stock market’s short-term performance, you could start a SIP in mutual funds. This will allow you to invest in a diversified portfolio, reducing the impact of market volatility.

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Mutual funds also offer SWP, which can provide you with regular income, similar to rental income from real estate, without the hassle of property management.

2. Actively Managed Funds
Growth Potential: Actively managed mutual funds can provide growth similar to the stock market, with professional management to navigate market conditions. These funds are designed to outperform the market by selecting high-potential stocks.

Risk Management: With actively managed funds, fund managers adjust the portfolio based on market trends and economic conditions, helping in risk mitigation. This proactive management can be beneficial, especially in uncertain markets.

Home Loan Management: Strategic Decisions
1. Top-Up Loan vs. Stock Utilization
Top-Up Loan: Taking a top-up loan might seem like a quick solution for your renovation needs. However, this increases your debt burden and future EMI obligations.

Stock Utilization: Using your stock returns for renovation can be a better option. This avoids increasing your debt and keeps your finances under control. Moreover, you’ve already gained significantly from your stock investments, so liquidating a portion for immediate needs is practical.

2. Balancing Debt and Investments
Debt Reduction: Reducing your home loan by using stock returns can free up future cash flow. This will reduce your financial stress and provide more room for future investments.

Investment Continuity: Even if you liquidate a part of your stock portfolio for renovation, you can continue investing in mutual funds. This way, your investment journey continues, and you keep growing your wealth.

Financial Planning for the Future
Given your situation, a diversified approach focusing on mutual funds seems prudent. Here’s a step-by-step strategy:

Step 1: Partial Liquidation of Stocks: Liquidate enough stock to cover your renovation costs. This avoids additional debt and keeps your financial obligations manageable.

Step 2: Invest in Mutual Funds: Reinvest the remaining Rs. 90 lakhs in a diversified mutual fund portfolio. This will offer growth potential while managing risk, giving you a balance between safety and returns.

Step 3: Maintain a Balance Between Debt and Investment: Focus on reducing your home loan gradually. At the same time, continue with SIPs or lump sum investments in mutual funds to build your corpus.

Step 4: Regular Portfolio Review: Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your financial goals. Adjust your investments based on market conditions and personal needs.

Final Insights
Investing in real estate might seem attractive, especially in a booming market. However, the stock market offers liquidity, flexibility, and potential for higher returns. By strategically managing your stock portfolio and considering mutual funds, you can achieve a balanced investment approach. This strategy reduces risks while ensuring your financial growth continues.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 26, 2024

Money
I have few followup queries on the things u put across in original query Market Risk - The property prices i perceive will increase by 5 lacs approx per year if not more. This along side rental income comes at approx 70% of return which MF @12% will give which is not a bad number in my opinion. SWP - I have one query though that what is the monthly return i can get from SWP with 1.8 cr. ALso how abt chosing monthly only 60k and let the corpus grow . What will be the growth of corpus say in 10 year time frame ? Liquidity - The property is strategically located and hence in my opinion selling wont be much challenge Plus i am not in much need of liquid money of that proportion and there are other means by which i can manage other expenses and situation
Ans: Market Risk and Property Appreciation
Your perception of property appreciation is reasonable if the location has strong demand.

A Rs. 5 lakh annual appreciation equates to around 2.78% growth yearly on Rs. 1.8 crore.
Adding Rs. 7.2 lakh annual rental income gives an effective annual return of 6.78%.
Assessment

This is still below the 10%-12% potential returns from equity mutual funds.
However, a near 70% parity with mutual fund returns, considering stability, is a valid perspective.
Consideration

Retaining the property might make sense if emotional value or long-term growth potential exists.
SWP: Monthly Returns and Growth Potential
Monthly SWP Returns

With Rs. 1.8 crore invested, a conservative SWP of 60k/month equals Rs. 7.2 lakh annually.
Assuming an 8%-10% return rate, the corpus will largely sustain itself for many years.
Corpus Growth Over 10 Years

Let’s assume you withdraw Rs. 7.2 lakh annually and reinvest the remaining returns:

If mutual funds deliver 10% annual returns:

Net annual growth = 10% - (7.2 lakh ÷ 1.8 crore) = 6%.
The corpus can grow to approximately Rs. 3.2 crore in 10 years.
If mutual funds deliver 8% annual returns:

Net annual growth = 8% - (7.2 lakh ÷ 1.8 crore) = 4%.
The corpus can grow to approximately Rs. 2.7 crore in 10 years.
Key Insights

Choosing Rs. 60k as SWP and allowing growth can effectively sustain income and increase wealth.
This plan can create both passive income and a larger future corpus.
Liquidity of Property vs. Investment
Property Liquidity

If your property is strategically located, selling should not be a significant challenge.
However, real estate transactions can take time compared to mutual fund redemptions.
Other Liquidity Considerations

Since you have other means for handling expenses, property liquidity may not be an immediate concern.
Retaining the property for appreciation and rental income may align with your situation.
Final Thoughts
If the property delivers consistent appreciation and rental income, retaining it is valid.
An SWP from mutual funds can match rental income and grow wealth long-term.
Your choice depends on whether stability or higher long-term returns align better with your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |955 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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Money
I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

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Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

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Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

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DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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