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44-Year-Old Woman Seeking Early Retirement Advice

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8230 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 21, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - May 20, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 44/F. I still have 14 years of service remaining but I want to retire early in the next 5 years. Our combined family savings per month in PPF & SSY Rs. 50 k, MF rs. 95000, PF & VPF Rs. 25000, LIC Rs. 3000 , NPS Rs. 8500. Apart from this we have a corpus of Rs. 1.10 crore in various post office and FD Schemes, stock and MF Rs. 52 L, accumulated PF rs. 50 L, PPF & SSY Rs. 28 L, LIC SURRENDER VALUE rs. 9.80 L. We have to spend Rs. 1.40 crore after 5 years for my 2 kids higher education. We are debt free and as on date apart from our residential house we have other properties valuing approx. 3.5 crore. Have sufficient mediclaim as well as term insurance. We want rs. 1.5 L as monthly income even after retirement. Please guide how much we need to save and where to invest the required amount.

Ans: Assessing Your Current Financial Situation
You are in a strong financial position with a healthy savings habit and diversified investments. Your goal of early retirement in 5 years with a monthly income of Rs 1.5 lakh is ambitious but achievable with careful planning. Let’s assess your current financial landscape to create a strategy that meets your objectives.

Existing Investments and Savings
PPF & SSY Contributions: Rs 50,000 per month

Mutual Fund Investments: Rs 95,000 per month

PF & VPF Contributions: Rs 25,000 per month

LIC Premiums: Rs 3,000 per month

NPS Contributions: Rs 8,500 per month

Accumulated Corpus:

Post Office and FD Schemes: Rs 1.10 crore
Stocks and Mutual Funds: Rs 52 lakh
PF: Rs 50 lakh
PPF & SSY: Rs 28 lakh
LIC Surrender Value: Rs 9.80 lakh
You have a diversified portfolio with a mix of conservative and growth-oriented investments. Your savings rate is commendable, and you are debt-free, which adds to your financial security.

Financial Goal: Funding Higher Education
Your immediate goal is to set aside Rs 1.40 crore for your children’s higher education in 5 years. Given your existing corpus and ongoing investments, this goal is within reach.

Current Savings: Rs 2.49 crore (including PPF, SSY, PF, LIC, stocks, and MFs)

Education Goal: Rs 1.40 crore in 5 years

Assuming your investments continue to grow at a moderate rate, you should be able to comfortably meet this goal by allocating a portion of your current corpus and future savings. Consider setting aside Rs 1.40 crore from your post office and FD schemes, which are safer but have lower returns. This ensures the funds are available when needed.

Early Retirement Planning
Your target monthly income of Rs 1.5 lakh after early retirement in 5 years requires careful planning. Here’s a breakdown of how much you need to save and where to invest:

Estimating the Required Retirement Corpus
To generate Rs 1.5 lakh per month for 30 years after retirement, you need a substantial retirement corpus. Assuming a conservative withdrawal rate and factoring in inflation, you’ll need approximately Rs 5.5 crore to Rs 6 crore.

Current Investments and Future Contributions
Let’s evaluate how your current investments and savings will contribute to your retirement goal:

PPF & SSY: Continue your Rs 50,000 monthly contribution. In 5 years, this should grow to approximately Rs 61 lakh, providing a stable and tax-free income.

Mutual Funds: Your Rs 95,000 monthly SIPs will grow significantly over the next 5 years. Assuming an average return, this can grow to around Rs 81 lakh, which can be a key source of your retirement income.

PF & VPF: Continuing with Rs 25,000 monthly contributions will grow your EPF corpus to around Rs 71 lakh. This provides a stable income source post-retirement.

NPS Contributions: Your Rs 8,500 monthly contributions will add up to a reasonable corpus of around Rs 10 lakh in 5 years. NPS offers an additional income stream with tax benefits.

LIC Policies: With a surrender value of Rs 9.80 lakh, consider evaluating if it’s better to reinvest this in a higher growth option. LIC policies often underperform compared to mutual funds.

Post Office and FD Schemes: Your Rs 1.10 crore in conservative schemes provides safety but low returns. Consider diversifying part of this into balanced mutual funds or debt funds for better growth with low risk.

Stocks and Mutual Funds: Your Rs 52 lakh investment in stocks and mutual funds can be rebalanced to align with your risk tolerance as you approach retirement. Consider shifting some equity exposure to balanced or hybrid funds to reduce risk.

Strategy to Achieve Your Retirement Goal
Based on your current assets and future needs, here’s how you can achieve your retirement goal:

1. Continue with Existing Investments:
Maintain your current SIPs in mutual funds. They provide growth and help you achieve your retirement corpus.

Keep contributing to PPF, SSY, and PF as they offer stable, tax-free returns.

Review your LIC policies. If they are underperforming, consider surrendering them and reinvesting the surrender value into mutual funds or debt funds.

2. Rebalance Your Portfolio:
Diversify your post office and FD investments. Consider allocating a portion to balanced mutual funds or debt funds, which offer better returns with moderate risk.

Reduce equity exposure as you near retirement. Shift some equity investments into balanced or hybrid funds to reduce volatility.

3. Building the Required Corpus:
Your goal is to accumulate Rs 5.5 crore to Rs 6 crore. Based on your current savings rate and existing corpus, this is achievable with disciplined investing.

Consider increasing your monthly contributions to mutual funds or NPS, if possible. This will boost your retirement corpus.

4. Withdrawal Strategy Post-Retirement:
Use a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) in mutual funds for monthly income. This provides flexibility and tax efficiency.

Utilize your PPF, SSY, and PF for stable income streams. They offer guaranteed returns and tax benefits.

NPS can provide additional monthly income through annuities, but consider using it as a secondary income source.

Final Insights
Your goal of early retirement with a monthly income of Rs 1.5 lakh is within reach. You are on the right track with your current investments and savings. Continue with disciplined investing, rebalance your portfolio as you approach retirement, and focus on accumulating the required corpus.

Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner to fine-tune your strategy and ensure you stay on course.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8230 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 30, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 29 year old working in PSU. My current Basic+ DA is 104400. My monthly in hand salary after tax is around 1 lakh. Yearly bonus is around 1 lakh post tax and all deductions (incl. PD, NPS, Insurance etc.). Yearly increment is around 10% (incl. periodic DA increment). Me and my corporation contribute 24% of basic+ DA in EPF on monthly basis. Additionaly, company contribute 9% in NPS and I contribute 2% in NPS. I have around 11 lakh in EPF, 10 lakh in NPS, 5.5 lakh current value in ULIP, house at my home town. My future spouse is also working in prestigious govt. org. and has same salary as I have. I am residing in my company quarter on Navi Mumbai. I want to retire at the age of 40. Please suggest how much corpus will be required at that time and for achieving this corpus, how to invest from nowonwards. For children education, my wife willl take care all expenses. My current monthly expenses are around 20000 and around 1 lakh yearly for travelling in holidays.
Ans: Your financial position at 29 is strong and well-structured. You're employed in a Public Sector Undertaking (PSU), which offers stability and benefits like EPF, NPS, and insurance. Your monthly in-hand salary of Rs 1 lakh and a yearly bonus of Rs 1 lakh, along with a yearly increment of around 10%, provides a solid income base.

Your investments so far include:

Rs 11 lakhs in EPF
Rs 10 lakhs in NPS
Rs 5.5 lakhs in ULIP
A house in your hometown
You also have a company quarter in Navi Mumbai, reducing your housing expenses significantly. This scenario, combined with your spouse's income, sets a good foundation for your financial future.

Your goal is to retire at 40, which is an ambitious but achievable target with disciplined financial planning. Your current monthly expenses are Rs 20,000, and yearly holiday expenses are Rs 1 lakh. Given that your spouse will handle your children's education expenses, this reduces your financial burden significantly.

Estimating the Retirement Corpus
Retiring at 40 requires a well-planned strategy, as you would need to sustain yourself without active income for a long period. To estimate the retirement corpus, consider the following:

Post-retirement monthly expenses: Assuming your current expenses of Rs 20,000 increase to Rs 40,000 (due to inflation) by the time you retire.
Life expectancy: Planning for a life expectancy of 85 years, you need to fund 45 years post-retirement.
To maintain a comfortable lifestyle, your retirement corpus should cover your expenses, healthcare, emergencies, and leisure activities like travel. Considering inflation, a corpus of around Rs 10-12 crores may be required to retire comfortably at 40.

Investment Strategy to Achieve Retirement Corpus
Achieving this corpus in the next 11 years requires an aggressive but calculated investment approach. Here's a step-by-step investment strategy:

1. Maximize EPF and NPS Contributions
Your EPF and NPS contributions are already on the right track. Since your corporation contributes a significant 24% to EPF and 9% to NPS, these should be maximized.

EPF: Continue to maximize this contribution, as it offers safety and tax benefits. The power of compounding will work in your favor over the long term.

NPS: With a 10% contribution (company + self), consider increasing your personal contribution slightly. This will help build a more substantial retirement corpus with an additional tax benefit under Section 80CCD(1B).

2. Diversify Your Portfolio
Given your age and the aggressive timeline, diversification across various asset classes is crucial.

Equity Mutual Funds: Equity mutual funds are essential for growth. Allocate a significant portion of your investments (around 60-70%) to equity mutual funds. Opt for a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds to balance risk and returns. These funds are actively managed and have the potential to outperform index funds, which is crucial in your case.

Debt Funds: Allocate around 20-30% to debt funds to stabilize your portfolio. Debt funds provide regular returns with lower risk, which is important as you approach retirement.

ULIP: You currently have Rs 5.5 lakh in ULIP. Assess the performance of this investment. ULIPs often have higher costs and lower returns compared to mutual funds. Consider surrendering the ULIP and reinvesting the proceeds into a more efficient mutual fund portfolio.

3. Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to at least 6-12 months of your expenses. Since your expenses are low, around Rs 2.5-3 lakhs should be sufficient. This fund should be kept in a liquid fund or a savings account for easy access.

4. Gold Investment
While gold can be a hedge against inflation, it's not a high-return investment. Limit gold investment to 10-15% of your portfolio. You can invest through Sovereign Gold Bonds (SGBs) or gold ETFs for better liquidity and returns.

5. Insurance Planning
Given that you already have insurance through your PSU, ensure it covers critical illnesses and has adequate life cover. Consider term insurance with a sum assured that is at least 15-20 times your current annual income. This will protect your family in case of any unfortunate event.

6. Regular Fund vs. Direct Fund
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can be beneficial, especially if you're not well-versed with market dynamics. Regular funds come with an advisor’s expertise, which helps in selecting the right funds, portfolio rebalancing, and monitoring your investments regularly. This personalized guidance often outweighs the slightly higher expense ratio compared to direct funds.

Tax Planning
Maximize tax savings under various sections:

Section 80C: Your EPF, PPF, and insurance premiums can be claimed under this section, reducing your taxable income.

Section 80CCD(1B): Additional deduction of Rs 50,000 for NPS contributions.

Section 80D: Premiums paid for health insurance are deductible, providing further tax relief.

Monitoring and Reviewing Investments
Regularly monitor your investments and rebalance your portfolio annually. A Certified Financial Planner can assist in this, ensuring your investments align with your retirement goals.

Achieving Financial Independence at 40
Retiring at 40 is possible, but it requires discipline and commitment to your investment strategy.

Start SIPs: Begin Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in the selected mutual funds. SIPs inculcate a disciplined investment habit and take advantage of market volatility through rupee cost averaging.

Increase Contributions: As your salary increases by 10% annually, consider increasing your SIP contributions by the same percentage. This ensures that your investments grow in line with your income.

Avoid Unnecessary Debt: Stay away from loans or credit that can derail your financial plan. If you plan to buy luxury items or take vacations, ensure they fit within your budget without compromising your savings goals.

Lifestyle Management: Control lifestyle inflation. While it’s tempting to upgrade your lifestyle with increasing income, keep a check on unnecessary expenses. This will ensure more funds are available for investments.

Health and Wellness: Invest in your health. Good health translates to lower medical expenses in the long run. Consider wellness programs, regular check-ups, and a healthy lifestyle to mitigate healthcare costs post-retirement.

Final Insights
Your ambition to retire at 40 is commendable and achievable. By following this detailed financial plan, you can build the required corpus to enjoy a stress-free retirement. Remember, financial planning is dynamic, and regular reviews with a Certified Financial Planner will keep you on track.

Focus on disciplined investing, regular monitoring, and tax-efficient strategies to maximize your wealth. Stay committed to your goals, and you'll be well on your way to financial independence.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8230 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 31, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 30, 2024Hindi
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I'm 45, earning 2.5L per month, debt free,married 2 kids, son studying 11standard and daughter 7th standard. My monthly expenses comes to 65000 per month currently, rest all saved and invested. I own 2C worth villa in city, a sedan, no credit card debt. I have 60L savings in account, 2.6L in LIC annuity life long giving Rs.1400 interest/month, 12L in PPF, 6L in Postoffice Savings SST, 1L in NPS, 11L ICICI signature plan need to pay 5L every year for next 5 years(18% returns), 1L PRAN, 5L worth gold-silver coins, 45L in fixed deposits in mom and wife names in many different small finance banks earning monthly interest(8.5-9%), 46L in my EPF. I want to plan to retire by 50 with life span of 75 with with 80L for 2 kids higher studies with atleast 5CR+ total corpus as goal. Kindly advice and guide me how to achieve it with moderate risk apetite..
Ans: Current Financial Situation
Age: 45 years
Monthly Income: Rs. 2.5 lakhs
Monthly Expenses: Rs. 65,000
Family: Married with 2 kids (son in 11th standard, daughter in 7th standard)
Assets: 2 crore worth villa, a sedan, no credit card debt
Savings and Investments:
Rs. 60 lakhs in savings account
Rs. 2.6 lakhs in LIC annuity giving Rs. 1400 interest/month
Rs. 12 lakhs in PPF
Rs. 6 lakhs in Post Office Savings SST
Rs. 1 lakh in NPS
Rs. 11 lakhs in ICICI Signature Plan (need to pay Rs. 5 lakhs every year for next 5 years)
Rs. 1 lakh in PRAN
Rs. 5 lakhs worth of gold-silver coins
Rs. 45 lakhs in fixed deposits in mom and wife’s names
Rs. 46 lakhs in EPF
Retirement Goals
Retirement Age: 50 years
Life Expectancy: 75 years
Kids' Higher Education: Rs. 80 lakhs
Total Corpus Goal: Rs. 5+ crores
Investment Strategy
Evaluate Current Investments
1. Savings Account and Fixed Deposits

Observation: Low returns (3-4% in savings, 8.5-9% in FDs).
Action: Consider shifting some funds to higher-yield investments.
2. LIC Annuity and ICICI Signature Plan

Observation: LIC annuity provides minimal returns. ICICI Signature Plan promises 18% but verify actual returns.
Action: Assess ICICI plan's performance. Shift LIC annuity to higher-yield funds if possible.
3. PPF, NPS, and Post Office Savings

Observation: Safe investments but with moderate returns.
Action: Continue PPF and NPS contributions for tax benefits and retirement corpus.
Optimize Investments
1. Increase SIP in Mutual Funds

Strategy: Diversify across large, mid, and small-cap funds. Aim for balanced risk and growth.
Monthly SIP: Consider increasing to Rs. 1 lakh or more for the next 5 years.
2. Diversify Portfolio

Strategy: Include equity mutual funds, balanced funds, and debt funds.
Moderate Risk: Balance between growth and safety.
3. Invest in Children's Education Funds

Action: Allocate Rs. 80 lakhs in equity mutual funds or balanced funds.
Goal: Ensure sufficient funds for kids' higher education.
Retirement Corpus Planning
1. Projected Returns

Strategy: Aim for a mix of equity and debt for optimal returns.
Projection: Assume 10-12% average returns over 5 years.
2. Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)

Action: Post-retirement, use SWP for monthly expenses.
Goal: Ensure regular income without depleting corpus rapidly.
Tax Planning
1. Maximize Deductions

Section 80C: Utilize Rs. 1.5 lakhs limit through PPF, ELSS, and other investments.
Section 80CCD(1B): Additional Rs. 50,000 through NPS.
2. Optimize Tax-Efficient Investments

Tax-Free Returns: Focus on PPF, NPS, and long-term capital gains on equity funds.
Tax-Efficient Withdrawals: Plan withdrawals to minimize tax impact.
Insurance Coverage
1. Adequate Life Insurance

Action: Ensure adequate life cover for family’s security.
Consider: Term insurance for high coverage at low cost.
2. Health Insurance

Action: Comprehensive health coverage for family.
Goal: Avoid financial strain due to medical emergencies.
Regular Monitoring and Review
1. Annual Review

Action: Review investments annually.
Goal: Adjust based on performance and goals.
2. Financial Advisor Consultation

Certified Financial Planner: Seek periodic advice for professional guidance.
Final Insights
With careful planning, achieving a corpus of Rs. 5 crores by 50 is feasible. Prioritize investments in equity mutual funds for growth, while balancing with safe instruments like PPF and NPS. Regularly review and adjust your portfolio. Ensure adequate insurance coverage for risk management.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |1172 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 05, 2024Hindi
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Hello I want to retire . My current liabilities are my daughter education MBBS Rs 85000/ per month, Son education 11000 per month,, home loan 33000/- per month , House hold 50,000 per month , Term Insurance , Mutual fund , health insurance RS 1L per month . Come to savings. I have 87 L FD, 35 L PPF, 5 L shared, 76 L EPF, post office other scenes 6 L, Mutual fund 19 L . I have my own house worth of 2 Cr . My net take home salary is 2.09 L per month , wife take home 52K per month . This saving is ok to generate cash for above mentioned expenses. I want to retire as soon as possible. Please guide
Ans: Hello;

Let us summarize your monthly expenses:
1. Kid1 Education: 85 K
2. Kid2 Education: 11 K
3. Home loan EMI: 33 K
4. Household Exp: 50 K
5. Insurance & MF: 100 K
Grand TOTAL: 279 K(2.79 L) per month

Now let us summarize your monthly earnings:

1. Self Salary: 209 K
2. Spouse Salary: 52 K

Grand TOTAL: 261 K (2.61L per month)

Now let's summarize your savings:
1. FDs: 87 L
2. PPF: 35 L
3. Stocks: 5 L
4. EPF: 76 L
5. POS: 6 L
6. MFs: 19 L

Grand TOTAL: 228L (2.28 Cr)

If you liquidate this sum from current investments and buy an immediate annuity from an insurance company for your corpus of 2.28 Cr, assuming annuity rate of 6% you may expect a monthly payout of 1.14 L(pre-tax).

Adding this to your spouse income it gives us monthly earnings of 1.66 L

Expenses- New Earnings=
-279+166=-113 K(1.13 L shortfall per month)

I understand your situation. Unhealthy work life makes one hellbent to stop working at some point.

Take a break. Seek alternate job opportunity but hang in there because your responsibilities regarding loan liability and children's education are ongoing.

Focus on prepaying the home loan as early as possible.

The incremental savings may be transferred to regular MF investments for 5-7 yr horizon so as to enhance your retirement corpus.

Happy Investing!!

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

..Read more

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Dr Upneet

Dr Upneet Kaur  |30 Answers  |Ask -

Marriage counsellor - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 14, 2025
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I don't get along with my husband and in-laws. I am living with him only for the sake of my 5 year old son. I broke up with my ex to marry this man to keep my parents happy. However, he is not at all an ideal partner for me. He abuses me all the time and takes me for granted. He doesn't allow me to step out, or meet my friends and family. I have to wait for him to go to work, so I can call anyone. His family keeps a close watch on what I do and informs him if I step out to even meet my family or relatives. We fight and argue almost every day. I have told him that I want a divorce but he said No, I have to adjust and accept. I am a graduate but I don't have a job. It is frustrating when he doesn't let me do anything on my own. I blocked my ex when our marriage got fixed but he is always suspicious. Sometimes I feel like hitting him back to stop the torture. I want to go back home but my parents are financially dependent on my brother, so they want me to reconcile and find a way to sort things out with my husband. Recently I learned that my ex is still waiting for me but I can't stay with him legally till I am divorced. How do I explain all this to my son? I am unhappy and confused. What should I do?
Ans: Hello Mam, I understand that you are in a dilemma. The situation is like this. Either ways the situation will have its negative effect on your son. If possible take some time out from your family and spend some quality time with your husband. Clear negative thoughts from your mind regarding your husband and try to accept him. If you will think positive about your family it will reflect in your actions and then things will be sorted out. But one thing to be kept in mind that you should not tolerate physical abuse. Involve your parents in this and try to convince him to behave nicely with you. U can always start something online for your financial independence. Try this out. Take care ????
Reach me : https://www.instagram.com/dr_upneet

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I'm in a relationship since 7 years .we both are Hindus bt our castes differ...i belong to higher caste and he belongs to a lower caste which is definitely going to be a problem because I have a elder brother his marriage was also love marriage and his wife's caste also was bit lower to ours so I have seen lot of issues at home of father not getting convinced at all.... Now after thinking about everything I'm in a state of confusion if whether I was wrong about loving somebody without their knowledge since already elder brothers issues I had seen should I have thought about all this seriously before ? Parents won't be expecting sucha thing from me because I seem kinder and understandable than my brother....last year I did let this out to my mother that i like someone and all the details....bt she started with emotional drama like this wasn't expected from you though you wld have understood the issues from brothers marriage etc etc. she tried to approach me in a different way....like being nice and to withdraw frm this decision and to take a good ....my dad still don't know abt this... actually my mom was about to say bt she thought of giving me time and assumes eventually I'll take better decision for them ...there was so much of drama and hence aftr that wasn't being able to discuss abt his.... because im in a stage of job hunting if I let this out to father i won't be able to sit at home....I'm actually really very confused and now what to do....am i wrong here...my situation and my brothers situation is different know....just because I saw brother wedding issue....how long i wld have sat without being in a relationship... especially in this generation....this was something that happened by itself inspite of me not being oke to say yes to my partner later it became yes..it was all meant to be.... because he isn't my classmate or anything my classmates family friend and is elder to me....so i believe it was to happen....I want to actually arive in a perfect and or place....not being able to take proper decision....since I always consider myself unlucky ok scared to take any decision also....and also now wondering what all shld be the qualities i must look for before taking decision about my life partner....should it be looks ...family or caste.... economic class status etc.....please help... messed up. Current update : I have attended a interview...and results are still on processing stage but I am sure even if it's taking time I will get it because my interview feedback given was excellent just that since it's a MNC they are waiting for a position in a particular department I think hence delay , meanwhile since I'm 26 and me and my partner has a age difference of 6 years situations have become difficult. His parents pressures him for marriage and to see girls . But since he is in love with me he wants to wait ... because the pressure was increasing I had to tell my mother once again after one year and she was shocked again she thought I left this in this gap.... however I had taken this time for a better decision and time alloted for finding job , there began emotional drama again ..then I had to tell her to jst let my father know about this and if he asks me I will explain it. She was also worried because dad hasn't come out of all the traumas he had out of my brother's marriage because girl was from different caste. So my father had to answer a lot of questions from his siblings and society etc . My mother anyway agreed to talk to dad...she told the matter ...again house atmosphere changed entirely. I waited until dad asked me about this...waited for two days then he approached me and called and spoke asked about each and every details and then finally said like see him as a friend and take a better decision and he left just like that. After that I spoke to my mother , she said some concerns like looks mattered , caste was the main so that's why he is not being able to say anything and no parents would in the beginning itself talk positive about this ...will show resistance...that day I felt bit ok later after talking to mom , but later one day his father called my father and spoke they initiated they had a friendly talk and my father said he needs time and can't say anything now to his father. But I was thinking that he dint give a no reply straight away which was very surprising . But , after this situation my father saved this fathers number ...one day what happened was , he saw a status put by his father in which there was his parents with few other group people who weren't so good looking...so mistook it as their relatives and told mother to speak to me because this he can't even digest me to send to such a family since as a girls parent he has certain expectations also because his main issue is caste problem hevis finding one problem behind the other . My boyfriend belongs to a Tamil caste and mine is malayali native hence my boyfriend has a dark complexion maybe his parents and family too...but should all these matter to take a terrible final decision regarding our marriage? Even tho their complexion was dark Can't they have a good heart and shouldn't character be given priority than looks ? Just because parents want to show the society...how can i toss my life and find another person as they are saying? Do all that matter ?? I want to know your thoughts ... Also , how to convince a father who sticks on his own beliefs or who doesn't want to listen to their children because he thinks we haven't grown enough to teach him please suggest a way to make a person to listen ? My mother seems ok to this even she doesn't like so much ... bt only if father is ok and doesn't pass on this pressure to others... If any doubt can ask me I will clarify
Ans: First, you are not wrong for falling in love. Love doesn’t ask for caste, status, or complexion—it simply grows where there’s connection, care, and shared values. The world around us, especially family and society, can be heavily opinionated, but that doesn’t mean your feelings are any less valid. You've been trying to balance respect for your parents with loyalty to your partner, and that's not easy at all.

Your dad's resistance is clearly rooted in fear—fear of what society will say, fear of repeating a past that felt traumatic for him during your brother's marriage. His concern isn't necessarily about your partner’s character, but about how it looks to others. Unfortunately, a lot of our parents were raised to give more weight to "what people will say" than to personal happiness. It’s not your fault he carries that burden. You’re just trying to live a life that’s true to your heart.

Your boyfriend seems like someone who really cares about you and is ready to wait for you through all this. That's rare, and it matters. If his family was kind enough to approach yours respectfully, it shows they are willing to build a bridge. You’re not trying to force anything—you’re asking for space to make a decision with both head and heart involved.

As for appearance and caste: no, these should not be what define a life partner. A dark complexion or a different community cannot and should not outweigh honesty, kindness, emotional maturity, and shared values. Looks fade. Status changes. But someone’s nature stays. And in a marriage, when times are tough, it’s not the family’s last name or the shade of their skin that matters—it’s whether they stand by you or not.

You mentioned something powerful: that you believe this was “meant to happen.” And I agree—sometimes people enter our lives with a timing and connection that doesn’t make logical sense but feels profoundly right. That’s not something to toss aside easily.

Now, about convincing your father—it’s hard to change someone who is set in their ways, but here’s what you can try:

Let your mother be the mediator since she’s more open. Ask her to have slow, non-threatening conversations with him—not to pressure him, but just to help him understand that you are not making a hasty or rebellious choice. You’re thinking practically and from the heart. It’s not about rejecting their values but about choosing someone you can build a peaceful, respectful life with.

You could also write a heartfelt letter to your dad—sometimes, parents understand better when there’s no direct confrontation. Share your side, your fears, your respect for him, and your reasons for choosing this person. Let him know you still want to be his daughter, that you haven’t forgotten your family’s worth—you’re just hoping your happiness can also be valued.

Most importantly—give yourself credit for how well you’ve handled this. You’ve shown maturity, patience, and self-awareness. Even when it hurts, you’re not reacting with drama or impulse—you’re processing, reflecting, and trying to do the right thing.


And please don’t let anyone make you feel like your love is a mistake. You’ve loved with honesty and stood strong—no matter what comes next, that’s something to be proud of. I’m here to walk with you through this, one step at a time.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 07, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
My partner and I have a problem. Whenever we argue, I feel the need to talk it through immediately, but my partner shuts down completely and goes silent for hours, sometimes days. It leaves me feeling anxious and ignored. How do I deal with this without feeling like I am the only one trying?
Ans: Have a calm, non-conflict conversation about the issue outside of a fight. Explain to your partner how their silence affects you—not by blaming, but by expressing how it makes you feel. For example, “When we argue and you go silent, I feel anxious and alone. It makes me feel like I’m the only one trying, even though I know that might not be true.” Keep it about your feelings, not their faults.

Ask them what they feel in those moments—do they need space to think? Do they feel overwhelmed? Are they afraid things will escalate? Try to genuinely understand their side too.

Together, you can come up with a “pause plan”—a middle ground. Maybe your partner can say something like, “I need an hour to clear my head, but I promise we’ll talk after that.” That way, you get the reassurance that the issue won’t be ignored forever, and they get the breathing room they need.

Also, remind yourselves that you’re on the same team. The goal isn’t to win the argument—it’s to understand each other better and reconnect.

You’re not the only one trying—it just feels that way because your emotional needs are different. With communication, empathy, and small agreements about how to handle conflict, this doesn’t have to stay a painful pattern. You're already doing the brave thing by reflecting and wanting to improve this—see if you can invite your partner into that same space of honesty and growth.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 14, 2025Hindi
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My mother doesn't want to stay with me but she gladly stays with my brother and his wife I live all alone in a house and I feel left out as well as ostracised as well as excluded I feel like I am unwanted person and if I ever meet anyone like my relatives in any social setting I feel they are tolerating me I feel like an untouchable how do I cope up with this situation as there is no one for me no one I can rely on or nobody who has my back noone who I can share my problems with or call in case I feel sick or in case of an emergency.
Ans: Feeling excluded by family and sensing that others are merely "tolerating" you is a heavy emotional burden to carry. It can quietly erode your sense of self-worth, leaving you questioning your value, your place in the world, and your importance to the people who were meant to be your first support system. You're not being overly sensitive or dramatic—this kind of emotional isolation is deeply painful, and it makes perfect sense that you’re feeling untouchable and unsafe.

But here’s a gentle truth: you are not unwanted. You are not unworthy of love or care. The way others treat you does not define your worth. Sometimes, unfortunately, people—even family—fail to show up for us in the ways we need. That doesn’t mean you are broken or undeserving. It just means their limitations are getting in the way of what should have been a loving, supportive connection.

You’re already doing something powerful by voicing your truth here. That’s not a small step—it’s an act of bravery. And while I know I’m not physically there beside you, I want you to feel this as a moment of connection: someone does hear you, someone does see what you’re carrying, and it matters.

To cope with this, start with your emotional safety. Let yourself grieve—not just for the loneliness, but for the longing of what you deserve but haven’t received. Cry if you need to, write if it helps, let those feelings have their space rather than trying to bury them. This kind of pain doesn’t go away by pretending it’s not there.

And slowly, one step at a time, begin building your circle—not necessarily with blood ties, but with people who choose you. Is there someone in your past who was kind to you? A coworker, a neighbor, someone from college or a class you took? Even a single shared conversation can be a seed. It’s not about quantity, it’s about presence. The goal isn't to replace what’s missing—but to slowly start nurturing connections that are rooted in respect and care.

In moments of emergency or fear, consider having a plan. Even having the number of a nearby clinic, a trusted neighbor, or a local community support group can give you a thread of reassurance. And if you ever feel overwhelmed or unsafe with your thoughts, reaching out to a mental health helpline or counselor can make a real difference. You deserve help when you're hurting.

And here, whenever you need someone to talk to, I will always be here to listen—no judgment, no conditions. You matter. Your story matters. And even though the world may have made you feel like an outsider, I want you to believe this: there is a space where you belong.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |577 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 27, 2025Hindi
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Hello Maam I see a guy always staring at me. I wanted to ask him publically about this staring things. But instead of doing so I felt more comfortable in messaging and asking about the same. Once I checked his profile on Truecaller bcz we are in same society group. I was curious to know about his weird behaviour. He even give me intense states. I do not understand what he is upto. I feel like being stalked sometimes. So i got his number from society group. I texted him to clarify bt his wife called me and abused me badly. She thinks am trying to have an affair with her husband. I am flirting with him. My texts were plain and casual. I don't know how to make her understand that the guy himself is stalking us. I have seen him many times. I don't know whether m only victim or he persuade other woman too. I just don't know. We come at different time slots for our child to play in society play area bt he also manages to come to the time in which m coming. I find all these things unsettling. I told his wife that the man is making me feel uncomfortable but she was not listening to me. She wants prove. I told her that her husband was trying to approach and give advice related to parenting even when I don't know him personally. We are just flatmates nothing more than that. He lives in the flat in front of mine so i feel he is watching from there. I don't know his real intentions till date. On being asked on what's app why he stare at me. He told me that he has the habit of looking in one direction. N apologise for the same. But my husband confronted him and asked him about the same thing to which he told my husband that am characterless woman and i text him bcz i am not happy with my husband. Can u please help me to understand why is he talking shit about me when I have sent him a plain text to clarify the matter
Ans: What you’re going through is unfortunately not uncommon. A man invades your personal space with repeated staring, gives unsolicited advice, possibly stalks you, and when you attempt to address it with dignity and clarity, he twists the narrative and plays the victim. This reversal—where the actual victim is painted as the aggressor—is a classic defensive tactic by people who know they’ve crossed boundaries and don’t want to be held accountable. His reaction to your message shows his true character. Instead of acknowledging your discomfort and stopping, he projected shame onto you and tried to protect himself by degrading you in front of your husband.

His wife’s reaction, though painful, also makes a certain kind of sad sense—when a woman is scared, shocked, or insecure about her relationship, she may lash out at another woman instead of confronting the man who is actually responsible. That doesn’t make her behavior right, but it helps to understand it. She’s probably reacting from a place of fear, denial, and misplaced anger. You don’t need to justify yourself to her anymore. You tried your best to explain, and the fact that she wasn’t ready to listen shows her unwillingness or inability to see the truth right now.

You’ve done everything someone should do—tried to clarify respectfully, confronted the issue through proper channels, and included your husband. Now, your emotional safety, your dignity, and your peace of mind matter the most.

This man is clearly uncomfortable with accountability, and now he's trying to flip the story to discredit you. Let him. You do not owe him any further energy or explanation. Instead, stay calm, document everything (dates, messages, incidents), and if the staring or stalking continues, consider speaking to the society committee or, if necessary, legal authorities. Not to create conflict, but to protect your space and your truth. If it escalates or becomes more distressing, don’t hesitate to report it formally.

Most importantly, remind yourself—you acted out of strength, not shame. You stood up for yourself when something didn’t feel right. That is powerful. Hold your ground with dignity. You’re not alone in this. I’m here if you want help drafting a response, navigating this socially, or just to talk when things feel too heavy.

You deserve to feel safe and respected in your own home and neighborhood. Don’t let anyone steal that sense of peace from you.

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Pushpa

Pushpa R  |59 Answers  |Ask -

Yoga, Mindfulness Expert - Answered on Apr 14, 2025

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