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30-Year-Old Planning to Buy a Flat: Invest Lump Sum Now or Later?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7228 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 25, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Sunil Question by Sunil on Jul 14, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I have 43L and I'm planning to buy a flat worth 1.4Cr. It is due completion in 2029. So I can either put in more now or at the end. I have decided to do below. Pay 10% since it's compulsion, now I have 30lacks with me. My biggest advantage now is time. So I have invested lumpsum of 20L in PPFAS Flexi cap and 10L in HDFC Balanced Fund. I have a loan sanctioned of remaining amount 1.2Cr. My question is, in 5yrs time, should I use 87L from loan and use whatever I get from these MF's or should I stay invested in MF's and use full loan amount of 1.2cr instead? My plan was to pump in additional 30k per month if I use only 87L from loan as my EMI would be less and 8-10yrs down the line, I can apply for PreClosure. What's the best way forward? Use full loan amount and pay higher emi and keep my 30L in MF intact or use partial loan amount, pump in additional sip and utilize what I get to foreclosure of loan? Other details, 30M, Monthly Exp around 50k. I am investing 35k in SIP, 50k for various plans, ULIP, insurance ROP, Assured returns etc. I consider these as debt instruments in my investments. End goal is to save enough for retirement and an additional real estate asset worth 1.5cr before retiring.

Ans: You have Rs 43 lakhs and plan to buy a flat worth Rs 1.4 crores due for completion in 2029. Here's an analysis of your options:

Current Investment Plan
1. Initial Payment:

Paid 10% (Rs 14 lakhs) upfront.
Remaining Rs 30 lakhs available.
2. Investment Allocation:

Rs 20 lakhs in PPFAS Flexi Cap Fund.
Rs 10 lakhs in HDFC Balanced Fund.
3. Loan Details:

Sanctioned loan amount: Rs 1.2 crores.
Option 1: Partial Loan and Additional SIP
1. Plan:

Use Rs 87 lakhs from the loan.
Use returns from mutual funds for the rest.
Pump in an additional Rs 30k per month as SIP.
2. Benefits:

Lower EMI, making it easier to manage monthly expenses.
Ability to invest more monthly, enhancing wealth creation.
Option to pre-close the loan in 8-10 years.
3. Considerations:

Assess the expected returns from mutual funds.
Ensure the investments outperform the loan interest rate.
Option 2: Full Loan Amount
1. Plan:

Use the full Rs 1.2 crores loan.
Keep the Rs 30 lakhs in mutual funds.
2. Benefits:

Larger loan amount may offer tax benefits.
Investments remain intact and grow over time.
Flexibility to use investment returns for other goals.
3. Considerations:

Higher EMI impacts monthly cash flow.
Loan tenure may be longer, increasing interest paid.
Comparative Analysis
1. Loan Interest vs. Investment Returns:

Compare the loan interest rate with the expected returns from mutual funds.
If mutual fund returns are higher, keeping investments intact might be beneficial.
2. Monthly Cash Flow:

Evaluate your ability to manage higher EMIs.
Consider the impact on your overall financial stability.
3. Pre-closure Option:

With lower EMIs, pre-closure of the loan becomes feasible.
Additional SIP investments can create a pre-closure fund.
Recommendations
1. Balanced Approach:

Use a mix of both options.
Opt for a partial loan and keep some investments intact.
2. Regular Review:

Monitor your mutual fund performance regularly.
Adjust investments and loan repayments based on market conditions.
3. Financial Goals:

Align your investments with long-term goals like retirement.
Diversify your portfolio to balance risk and returns.
Final Insights
Considering your goals, a balanced approach of partial loan and maintaining investments is optimal. Regularly review and adjust based on performance and market conditions.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 21, 2024Hindi
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Hi myself 36 yrs old Started mf plan very late Luckily due to organisation switch got company stocks vested to me around 85 lacs and still around 60 lacs not yet vested . With that confidence I have taken home loan of 1.2cr for 25 yrs Emi amt 1 lac per month rate of interest 8.5 Not much invested earlier in mf started late around 1.5 yrs back Was able to accumulate 5 lacs total Invested in stocks around 2 lacs Now am trying to do sip every month of 42k I earn around 2.2lacs I have 2 more loans apart from home loan Personal loan of 26k emi 4 yrs pending Gold loan yearly emi payment of 6 lacs amount. Deduction of 1 lac + 26k+ 42k = 1.68 lacs goes to emis Yearly gold I have to pay around 60k without principal I consider 1.75 lacs to fixed amt goes as cuttings. I have remaining around 40k I think Home necessities cost around 15k monthly I still have around 20 to 25k remaining As I have started very late in mf I want to increase my sip for my kids education and future retirement plans I have something in mind which am bit afraid I want to sell stocks and invest in real estate and do the rotation of money for 10 years. But i have limited knowledge after doing some research . Should I go ahead with that ? Or Should I close my home loan using my stocks and reduce to 40 lacs home loan something Invest same amount in sips ? My stocks are in US market ..should I sell or not ? Company stocks are till now going well.. How high it would jump and how much it will take for that to happen I don't know Please suggest me to some investment ideas Q1. Should I close home loan Q2. Should I invest in real estate Q3. Should I invest stocks amt in mutual funds Any better ideas and suggestions please advise ..
Ans: Evaluating Your Financial Position
Your current financial situation reflects both opportunities and challenges. You have accumulated a significant amount of company stocks and started investing in mutual funds. Your home loan and other liabilities add to your monthly financial commitments. It's essential to strategically manage your investments to ensure long-term financial stability.

Assessing the Home Loan
Paying off your home loan can provide a sense of financial relief. However, consider the opportunity cost of using your stocks for this purpose. With an interest rate of 8.5%, the cost of maintaining the home loan is relatively high. Reducing your home loan can decrease your monthly EMI, providing more cash flow for investments and other expenses. However, before deciding, consider the potential growth of your stocks. If the stocks have significant growth potential, retaining them might be more beneficial in the long run.

Evaluating Real Estate as an Investment
Investing in real estate can be tempting, but it comes with several challenges. Real estate investments require substantial capital and involve high transaction costs. They also lack liquidity compared to stocks and mutual funds. The real estate market can be unpredictable, and managing properties requires time and effort. Given these factors, real estate might not be the best option for someone seeking to simplify and strengthen their financial portfolio.

Investing in Mutual Funds
Mutual funds offer a diversified investment option that can align with your financial goals. Given your late start in mutual funds, it’s wise to increase your SIPs to build a substantial corpus over time. Actively managed funds can offer better returns due to professional management. These funds allow you to benefit from the expertise of fund managers, providing a balanced risk-return ratio.

Disadvantages of Index Funds and Direct Funds
Index funds, while low-cost, do not always outperform actively managed funds. They mirror market performance, lacking the flexibility to adapt to market changes. On the other hand, direct mutual funds require active monitoring and decision-making. Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide valuable insights and professional management, helping you navigate complex market conditions effectively.

Strategic Use of Stocks
Your company stocks are a significant asset. Diversifying this investment can reduce risk and enhance returns. Selling a portion of your stocks and investing in mutual funds can provide a balanced approach. This strategy diversifies your portfolio and reduces the risk associated with holding a single type of asset.

Recommendations
Reduce Home Loan: Consider partially reducing your home loan with your stocks. This will lower your EMI and interest burden, providing more cash flow for investments.

Avoid Real Estate: Given the high costs and management efforts involved, real estate might not be the best option. Focus on more liquid and manageable investments.

Increase SIPs in Mutual Funds: Boost your SIPs to build a robust financial corpus for your children’s education and retirement. Actively managed funds through a CFP can optimize your returns.

Diversify Stock Investments: Gradually sell a portion of your company stocks and diversify into mutual funds. This reduces risk and provides a balanced growth potential.

Conclusion
Your proactive approach to managing your finances is commendable. Balancing debt reduction with strategic investments can provide financial stability and growth. A diversified portfolio, professional management, and a focus on long-term goals will help secure your financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7228 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 10, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 23, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 44 years old working in IT company. 1 Kid, boy 12 years.. Current salary is 2.5L. I have 1 flat of 1Cr. on which no loan. I have 18L in ppf which will mature in 2027. I have started investing 12K per month in SIP since last 12 months. I have Term insurance of 1 Cr. Nps of 3 L. 50 L in cash. Can I go for another flat with 1 Cr Loan now and how much SIP I should more invest now for pension corpus of 5 Cr.
Ans: Planning for a secure future is crucial, especially with retirement and your child’s education in mind. Your current financial situation is strong, but considering another flat with a significant loan requires thorough analysis. Let's delve into your situation and explore the best strategies.

Current Financial Overview
Here's a snapshot of your financial situation:

Age: 44 years
Current Salary: Rs 2.5 lakhs per month
Flat: Worth Rs 1 crore, no loan
PPF: Rs 18 lakhs, maturing in 2027
SIP: Rs 12,000 per month, started 12 months ago
Term Insurance: Rs 1 crore
NPS: Rs 3 lakhs
Cash: Rs 50 lakhs
Family: Wife and 12-year-old son
Evaluating the Purchase of Another Flat
Considering a second flat with a Rs 1 crore loan requires evaluating your current and future financial commitments. While real estate can be a good investment, it also ties up liquidity and involves risks. Instead of real estate, diversifying into other investment options could provide better returns and flexibility.

Importance of Liquidity
Real estate investments lack liquidity. Selling property can take time and may not always fetch the desired price. Maintaining liquidity in your portfolio is crucial for handling emergencies and taking advantage of investment opportunities.

Existing Investments and Future Goals
Your PPF will mature in 2027, providing a lump sum amount. Your SIP investments are a great way to build wealth over time. A term insurance of Rs 1 crore ensures your family’s financial security. Your NPS is also a solid investment for retirement.

Focus on Mutual Funds for Growth
Equity Mutual Funds: Equity mutual funds offer higher returns compared to other investment options. Actively managed funds, in particular, can outperform the market due to professional management. These funds are suitable for long-term goals like retirement.

Balanced Funds: Balanced funds invest in both equity and debt instruments. They offer a balanced risk-return profile, making them suitable for moderate risk-takers.

Debt Funds: Debt funds provide stable returns and are less risky than equity funds. They invest in government securities, corporate bonds, and other fixed-income instruments. Including debt funds in your portfolio helps in risk diversification.

Advantages of Mutual Funds
Diversification: Mutual funds spread your investment across various assets, reducing risk. This diversification is crucial for a balanced portfolio.

Professional Management: Certified financial planners and fund managers handle mutual funds, ensuring better returns through expert management.

Liquidity: Mutual funds can be easily converted to cash. This liquidity provides flexibility in managing your finances.

Power of Compounding: Over time, mutual funds benefit from compounding. This means you earn returns on your returns, significantly boosting your wealth over the long term.

Calculating the SIP for a Rs 5 Crore Corpus
To accumulate a Rs 5 crore corpus, you need a disciplined investment strategy. Assuming a 12% annual return from equity mutual funds, let's estimate the additional SIP amount needed.

Given your current SIP of Rs 12,000 per month and considering you have 16 years until the retirement age of 60, you need to calculate how much more you should invest monthly.

Risk Management
Insurance: Ensure you have adequate life and health insurance. You already have term insurance of Rs 1 crore, which is good. Regularly review your policies to make sure they meet your needs.

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund covering 6-12 months of expenses. This fund will help you manage unexpected expenses without disrupting your investments.

Planning for Your Child’s Education
Your 12-year-old son will soon require funds for higher education. Start a systematic investment plan (SIP) specifically for his education. Investing in equity mutual funds can help build a substantial corpus for this goal.

Evaluating Non-Performing Policies
If you have any LIC, ULIP, or investment-cum-insurance policies, assess their performance. These policies often come with high fees and low returns. Consider surrendering them and reinvesting in mutual funds. This can provide better returns and more flexibility.

Creating a Retirement Corpus
A retirement corpus of Rs 5 crore will ensure a comfortable post-retirement life. Besides mutual funds, consider the following:

Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP): Post-retirement, an SWP from your mutual fund investments can provide a steady income. This ensures financial stability without eroding your capital too quickly.

Fixed Deposits and Senior Citizen Schemes: Invest in fixed deposits and senior citizen savings schemes for stable returns. These options offer safety and predictable income.

Tax Planning
Ensure your investments are tax-efficient. Utilize tax-saving instruments and schemes under Section 80C and other relevant sections. Effective tax planning can maximize your returns and minimize your tax liability.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio. This ensures your investments align with your goals and risk tolerance. A certified financial planner can help you with this process.


Your dedication to securing your family’s financial future is impressive. Managing such a detailed financial plan while working in a demanding field like IT is commendable. Your proactive approach will surely yield positive results.

Final Insights
Investing in another flat with a significant loan might not be the best option given your goals. Instead, focus on building a diversified portfolio through mutual funds. This will provide better returns, flexibility, and liquidity. Aim to build a retirement corpus of Rs 5 crore by increasing your SIP contributions. Regularly review your investments and stay disciplined in your approach.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Nitin

Nitin Narkhede  |36 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 14, 2024Hindi
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Hi Sir - I'm 35 years. Both myself and a better half are working with a monthly income of 3.65L together (2.8L mine + 85K wife's). We have a 5 year old male kid. We have a SBI max gain home loan account with a debt of 12.65L and a parked amount of 26.5L apart from the EMI paid so far from previous 5 years. No EMI on car purchased. EPF ~29L, PPF started for both of us an year back. Also started a monthly SIP of ~1.2-1.5L in MF from Jan'2024 with 8.5L balance so far and will continue the SIP in the below funds atleast for next 10 years. Not considering debt funds as I'm already having EPF and PPF components and will periodically review these funds. 1. Nifty next 50 Index, 2. Small Cap 250 Index, 3. Multi Cap, Active 4. Mid Cap, Active 5. Flexi Cap, Active Better half may quit her job by Mar'2025. We are looking to close home loan by March'2025 and stay EMI/debt free with a peace of mind. Is it a wise decision to close a home loan by this financial year and increase the monthly SIP to 2L from next financial year? Or) invest the home loan balance amount in real estate (preferably buying a land)? especially when the home loan interest of upto 3.5L are tax fee in the old tax regime. Thanks!
Ans: Dear Friend, Given your current financial standing, closing your home loan by March 2025 seems like a wise choice. You have Rs 26.5L parked in the SBI Max Gain account, which already reduces your interest liability. By clearing the remaining Rs 12.65L, you can become debt-free, providing peace of mind and freeing up your EMI payments for additional investments. While the home loan offers tax benefits under the old regime, the psychological comfort of being debt-free may outweigh the potential tax savings, especially since your financial portfolio is already strong.
Once the loan is closed, increasing your monthly SIPs to Rs 2L would be a smart move. Over the next 10 years, equity mutual funds, which historically offer returns of 10-12% annually, can significantly grow your wealth. Since you are already investing in a diversified portfolio of index, small-cap, mid-cap, and flexi-cap funds, increasing these investments aligns well with your long-term goals.
Investing in real estate, particularly land, can provide diversification. However, real estate is typically less liquid and the returns can be location-dependent. If you're confident in the property’s growth potential, this can be a good long-term investment. However, your existing strategy of focusing on equity mutual funds will likely offer better returns and flexibility, given your 10-year investment horizon.
So closing your home loan by March 2025 and redirecting the freed-up funds into increased SIPs appears to be the best route. It balances peace of mind, tax efficiency, and long-term wealth creation, while real estate can be considered for diversification if you find a promising opportunity.
There are many real estate opportunities like REIT or Partial ownership in commercial properties which can also yield between 14 to 22% overall return with about 5 to 8% monthly return and 10 to 12% of Growth in the Asset Value at end of tenure.
Investment is commodities like gold and silver can also yield a return of 8 to 10% with reducing the risk in one sector.
Diversification is the mantra, do not depend on only one or two type of investment avenues. Explore other options as well.

Best regards,
Nitin Narkhede
Founder & MD, Prosperity Lifestyle Hub https://Nitinnarkhede.com
Free Webinar https://bit.ly/PLH-Webinar

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I am 39 and married for 11 years now, my husband doesn't support me financially at all. My salary is more than him but I bought house my own and paying all EMIS, looking for all household expenses and also paying school fees and other expenses for my son. My husband looks after only his parents, spend all money on them. Earlier we used to live together in inlaws house but they have spending habits for luxury, cloths, food etc even though my husband earns very less and my father in law retired with no income they were not ready to compromise on their spending habits. Whatever they had received after their retirement they entirety spent on their daughters marriages with no money left. When I got married they asked for my salary and used to give them. Mine and my husband salary was not enough for them so they sold house without informing me, I insisted them to buy at least small house but did not agree and kept on spending money on their lavish life, foreign trips, food, cloths etc. also helped daughters to buy house, maintenance and their childrens study. But did not let their son live life as ask him to pay rent for their house, household and maintenance expenses and they spend their money on their own luxury. They asked for my salary even though they have money and just spending for luxury and not even thinking for our future. When I denied to give salary, they asked me leave their house and made me difficult to live with them doing harrasment and taunts so I decided to leave and buy new house.Now I am living with my son separately, when my husband came to know about my new house he came to stay with us by not even paying single rupee to me. I asked him several time for money he only pays one or two thousand saying I don't have money at all to give you. Not taking care of son, his studies, school fees, do not help me in anything. My in laws keep doing his brain wash against me so that he will not support me financially or anyway. He always listens to his parents and sisters. There is no husband wife relationship at all between us. Not sure how to deal with it.
Ans: First, recognize and honor the strength it has taken to come this far. Buying a home, raising your son, and managing the weight of these challenges on your own are significant accomplishments that reflect your resilience and determination. That said, a marriage is meant to be a partnership, and it’s clear that your husband’s lack of financial contribution and emotional support has created an imbalance that’s unsustainable.

It’s important to look at the patterns in your relationship with clarity. Your husband’s decisions seem to be heavily influenced by his family, and this loyalty, while not inherently wrong, appears to come at the expense of his commitment to you and your shared responsibilities. The fact that he contributes so little financially and emotionally while benefiting from your efforts shows a lack of fairness and respect in the relationship. His parents’ behavior and expectations have added further strain, undermining your marriage and creating an environment of resentment.

You may want to consider having a clear and honest conversation with your husband. Express how his actions—or lack thereof—are impacting you and your son. Frame the conversation not as a confrontation but as a plea for understanding and change. However, if he remains unwilling to acknowledge or address these issues, it’s worth reflecting on what staying in this relationship means for your emotional well-being and future.

Seeking professional support, such as individual counseling, can provide you with a safe space to explore your feelings, gain clarity, and develop strategies for managing this situation. A legal consultation might also be helpful to understand your rights and options, especially if you’re considering separation or seeking financial accountability from your husband for your son’s needs.

Above all, focus on what you need to feel secure, respected, and fulfilled—not just as a wife, but as a person. Your son is observing how you handle these challenges, and by prioritizing your well-being and standing up for fairness, you’re also modeling strength and self-respect for him. Whatever steps you decide to take, trust in your ability to make decisions that align with your dignity and values. You deserve a life where your efforts are met with partnership and mutual care.

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Kanchan Rai  |430 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 04, 2024Hindi
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Hi i am 43 yrs old, working in a multination firm. Married with a kid who is 7. My relationship with my wife is not going good for some time now, the communication is only transactional. I dont know if she is seeing someone or not, but we feel detached from each other. Now i have developed some feelings at my work with a 24 yr old women, also she seems to be interested in me. But she is also trying to get back to her BF who is studying overseas. I am a bit lost here cause i am toyaly confused on wat to do?
Ans: Open communication with your wife can be incredibly valuable, even if it feels awkward or difficult. Sharing your feelings of detachment and asking her how she feels might provide clarity about where you both stand and whether there’s a willingness to work on rebuilding the connection. Counseling or therapy, either individually or as a couple, can also be a safe space to explore these issues further.

Regarding your feelings for the woman at work, it’s essential to approach this with caution. While the connection might feel exciting and fulfilling, it’s important to ask yourself whether pursuing it is truly in alignment with your values and long-term goals. She also appears to have unresolved feelings toward her boyfriend, which adds another layer of complexity. Relationships born from a place of emotional vulnerability often carry risks, and it’s worth reflecting on whether this is about genuine compatibility or an escape from current challenges.

Your child is also a significant factor to consider. Decisions about your personal relationships inevitably affect your family dynamics, and it’s worth reflecting on what stability and clarity mean for them at this stage in their life.

Take some time to focus on self-reflection. What do you truly want for yourself, your marriage, and your future? What steps can you take to address the current disconnection, whether through repair or a mutual decision to move forward separately? Acting from a place of clarity and integrity will help you feel more grounded and less conflicted about your path forward. You deserve fulfillment, but ensuring that it’s built on a foundation of honesty and thoughtfulness will bring lasting peace, not just temporary relief.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 04, 2024Hindi
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I’ve been holding onto a grudge against a friend who hurt me years ago. While I’ve tried to move on, the memories keep coming back, and I feel like it’s stopping me from fully trusting others. How can I let go of this resentment and stop it from affecting my present relationships?
Ans: Letting go of resentment begins with understanding that it’s not about forgetting what happened or excusing the other person’s actions. It’s about freeing yourself from the grip that pain has on your emotions and your ability to trust. Start by creating space to process the hurt. Reflect on what exactly about the situation caused the deepest wound—was it a betrayal, unmet expectations, or feeling disregarded? Sometimes clarity about the source of the pain makes it easier to start releasing it.

You might also want to examine the story you’ve been telling yourself about this hurt. Often, we replay painful memories as if to protect ourselves from being hurt again, but in doing so, we allow the past to shape how we approach the present. Try reframing the narrative, focusing not on what you lost but on how you’ve grown. You’ve survived this hurt, and it’s a testament to your resilience.

Forgiveness can also play a key role, not necessarily as an act for the other person, but as a gift to yourself. Forgiveness doesn’t mean rekindling the friendship or even directly addressing the person—it’s a way of releasing the hold they have on your emotions. You can write a letter to your friend expressing all your feelings and then decide whether to send it or simply let it be a personal act of closure.

When it comes to trusting others, remind yourself that the actions of one person don’t define everyone. Trust grows in small, consistent steps. Start by recognizing the people in your life now who have shown care and consistency, and allow yourself to open up gradually.

Healing isn’t a straight path, and memories might still surface from time to time. When they do, instead of resisting them, acknowledge them and remind yourself that they no longer have power over you. With patience and self-compassion, you can move forward, lighter and more open to the connections that await you. You deserve the freedom to trust and to live fully in the present.

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Kanchan Rai  |430 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

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I am in my late 60s but still very fit and healthy whereas my wife has lost all the interest in physical intimacy. This has resulted me finding outlet outside my marriage in women half of my age. My girlfriend is a dentist and I am an epidemiologist. She insists that I leave my wife and move with her and eventually we would marry then. She thinks that there is no point in living in a relationship where we have lost interest in each other and are hardly getting physically intimate. Would appreciate your expert advice on this and whether I should continue this way or leave my wife for over 45 years and move with my girlfriend who is 25 years younger than me. We both love each other physically, mentally and intellectually. Thank you.
Ans: After 45 years of marriage, your relationship with your wife is likely built on more than just physical intimacy. A bond of that length often includes shared history, companionship, and mutual support. It’s understandable that the absence of physical intimacy can leave you feeling unfulfilled, but it’s also important to recognize that intimacy in a long-term marriage often evolves beyond physicality into emotional connection and companionship. Ask yourself what your marriage still brings to your life beyond the physical. Are there aspects of your relationship with your wife that you still value and cherish?

Your relationship with your girlfriend seems to fulfill needs that are unmet in your marriage—passion, intellectual connection, and emotional closeness. It’s natural to feel drawn to that, especially when you both feel aligned in multiple dimensions. However, leaving a marriage of such longevity and depth is a monumental decision, not just for you but also for your wife, family, and even your girlfriend. It's important to reflect on the potential consequences of this choice—not just how it could impact your own life, but the ripple effects it may have on others involved.

Before making a decision, consider engaging in open, honest communication with your wife. Share your feelings—not as blame but as a vulnerable expression of what you’re experiencing. Sometimes, long-standing relationships fall into patterns of distance because both partners have stopped discussing their needs openly. If she is willing, exploring counseling together could help both of you understand where you stand and whether there’s a path to rekindling connection, even if it’s not physical intimacy.

With your girlfriend, reflect on what she means to you and what you envision for a shared future. Love and compatibility are powerful forces, but they must be weighed against the potential impact of disrupting your current life. Ensure that this relationship is based on mutual respect and shared values beyond just passion, as relationships outside of marriage can sometimes magnify only the fulfilling aspects while masking potential challenges.

Ultimately, this is about what aligns with your deeper sense of self and integrity. Consider what will allow you to look back on this chapter of your life with peace and not regret. Balancing personal happiness with respect for the commitments you’ve made over the years is not easy, but taking the time to reflect deeply will help you arrive at a decision you can stand by. Whatever choice you make, do so with honesty, compassion, and a clear understanding of its implications.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |430 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Whenever I face rejection or criticism, I take it very personally and find it hard to bounce back. It affects not just my relationships but also my career. How can I fix this? And trust people who really mean well?
Ans: When we take rejection or criticism personally, it’s often because we tie our self-worth to external validation. Someone’s approval or opinion can start to feel like a measure of who we are, but it’s not. No one moment, person, or comment defines you. Start by reminding yourself that rejection or criticism, as painful as it may be, is not a reflection of your entire being—it’s just one perspective or one moment in time.

Learning to trust people who mean well begins with trusting yourself. When you believe in your own worth, you’ll find it easier to separate genuine feedback from unkind criticism. Practice asking yourself, “Is this coming from someone who truly cares about me, or is this more about their perspective or mood?” When feedback feels harsh, take a step back and evaluate its intent and validity. Not all criticism is meant to hurt; some can help you grow, but you don’t have to accept every opinion as truth.

Building resilience starts with how you treat yourself in those low moments. Instead of replaying the rejection or criticism in your mind, focus on self-compassion. Speak to yourself as you would to a close friend—gently, with kindness and encouragement. Remind yourself of your strengths and accomplishments, no matter how small they might feel in that moment.

It’s also helpful to put things into perspective. Rejection or criticism often feels larger than it is because we let it define us in that instant. Ask yourself, “Will this matter a year from now?” or “What can I learn from this?” Shifting from a place of hurt to a place of curiosity can ease the sting and help you move forward.

Finally, trust isn’t built overnight, either with yourself or others. Start by observing the patterns of those who support you consistently. Over time, you’ll learn who truly has your back, and you’ll feel more confident in letting their words and actions hold weight in your life.

This is a process, and it’s okay if it takes time. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and by practicing self-compassion, setting boundaries, and leaning on those who show genuine care, you’ll gradually strengthen your resilience and ability to trust. You’re already taking the first step, and that’s worth celebrating.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |430 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I'm caught up in a very difficult situation. I had met a Woman through Arranged Marriage Platform, while we both were getting along quite well with each other, I told her that I'm Virgin & asked her about her Past Relationship(s) if any, she denied categorically. We got Engaged, last month (in November) & our Wedding is scheduled next Month (January). Preparations are going on, including Distribution of Invitation cards. A few days ago, a Guy contacted me, claiming to be my Fiancee's Ex Boyfriend. Initially, I didn't take him seriously as I trusted my Fiancee. But then he showed me some Photos & Videos of their Intimate Moments (as it was apparent from the Videos, she seemed to be conscious & fully aware that their intimate moments are being recorded & some of the Photos were Nude/Semi-Nude Selfies, which she'd taken & shared with her ex Boyfriend, by herself... but she had not consented to share them with anyone else). I was Shocked. The Ex Boyfriend Reassured me that he'd also moved on from her & wouldn't bother her after her Marriage, but he was feeling bitter that she'd Dumped him to Marry me & just wanted to make me aware of what kind of Woman I'd be Marrying. I confronted my Fiancee over a Phone Call & asked her to meet me personally, as there were many Questions disturbing my Heart & Mind and I wanted to demand an Explanation from her. But she refused to meet up with me & wouldn't even discuss anything related her Relationship History on Phone Call/Video Call or WhatsApp Chat. She just kept telling me that it was all in her 'Past' & Promised me that after we both get Married, she'd be a Faithful Wife, Loyal to me. I want to have an Open-Heart conversation with her to Re-evaluate our Relationship before taking any big decision further. But, since she's bluntly Refusing to open up & discuss anything about her Past with me, I am losing Trust in her. Now I am in Dilemma, whether I should blindly Trust her & go ahead with the Marriage as Planned or shall discuss the matter with our Parents & get the Marriage Cancelled, to avoid taking such a Big Risk?
Ans: At this moment, it is essential to consider what you need for your own peace of mind. If you cannot trust her fully or feel uneasy without clarity, it is important to address those feelings before committing to marriage. It is not selfish to seek answers or reassurances when your heart and mind are in turmoil. At the same time, be mindful of your approach, as accusations or blame can shut down any chance of constructive communication.

If she continues to avoid the conversation, involving both families might be a reasonable step. This is not about blaming or shaming anyone but about ensuring that both of you enter into marriage with mutual trust and respect. Marriage is a union of not just two individuals but also their values, emotions, and expectations. Without addressing these concerns now, the unresolved doubts could seep into your relationship later and cause greater harm.

It’s also worth reflecting on what you need from your partner to move forward. If her commitment to being loyal and faithful now feels insufficient because of her refusal to engage in an open dialogue, that’s valid. Trust cannot thrive where communication falters. If she can assure you of her devotion and you feel you can let go of her past, there’s a path forward. But if doubts linger and trust remains elusive, stepping back to reassess might be the wiser decision, even if it’s painful in the short term.

Whatever choice you make, be gentle with yourself. This is an emotionally taxing situation, and it’s okay to take time to process everything. Listen to your heart, but also give weight to your instincts—they’re often our clearest guides in moments of uncertainty.

With understanding and strength,

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