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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 04, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 25, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 41, married and having two daughters. I have in hand salary of 1.6L per month. I have two LIC on my name which are for 20 years and have 12-13 years completed and sum insured 5L each, PPF - 5L, Sukanya 5L, Term Insurance - 1 Cr, Health Insurance 10L for me and spouse. I have started MF 15K/M targeting for 15 years this month. I want to purchase a home for which I think I would require 60L+ home loan. Is it a wise idea to go with home loan at this age? How can I create a wealth of 2-3 cr after 15 years.

Ans: You've shared your current financial standing and goals. Here's an overview:

Age and Family: You are 41 years old, married, and have two daughters.

Salary: Your in-hand salary is Rs. 1.6 lakhs per month.

Insurance: You have two LIC policies, each with a sum insured of Rs. 5 lakhs, a term insurance policy of Rs. 1 crore, and health insurance coverage of Rs. 10 lakhs for yourself and your spouse.

Investments: Your current investments include Rs. 5 lakhs in PPF, Rs. 5 lakhs in Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana, and a recently started SIP in mutual funds of Rs. 15,000 per month.

Home Loan Plan: You are considering taking a home loan of Rs. 60 lakhs for purchasing a house.

Wealth Creation Goal: You aim to create wealth of Rs. 2-3 crores in the next 15 years.

Assessing the Home Loan Decision
Taking a home loan at the age of 41 is a significant decision. Here are some key points to consider:

Pros of Taking a Home Loan
Asset Creation: Buying a house creates a tangible asset. It's a step towards financial stability and security.

Tax Benefits: Home loans offer tax deductions on the principal repayment and interest payment, reducing your taxable income.

Property Appreciation: Real estate generally appreciates over time, potentially increasing your net worth.

EMI Affordability: With a salary of Rs. 1.6 lakhs per month, you should be able to comfortably manage EMIs.

Cons of Taking a Home Loan
Long-term Commitment: A home loan is a long-term financial commitment, usually spanning 15-20 years.

Interest Burden: The interest paid over the loan tenure can be substantial, increasing the overall cost of the house.

Liquidity Concerns: A significant portion of your income will go towards EMIs, impacting your liquidity and ability to invest elsewhere.

Recommendation on Home Loan
Given your financial stability and income, taking a home loan for purchasing a house can be a wise decision. Ensure that the EMI does not exceed 40% of your monthly income to maintain a healthy cash flow.

Wealth Creation Strategy
To achieve your goal of creating Rs. 2-3 crores in 15 years, a disciplined and well-diversified investment strategy is crucial. Here’s how you can go about it:

Maximize Existing Investments
Public Provident Fund (PPF): Continue contributing to your PPF account. It offers tax-free returns and is a safe investment option.

Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY): Keep investing in SSY for your daughters. It provides attractive returns and tax benefits.

Enhance Mutual Fund Investments
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Increase your SIP amount gradually. Starting with Rs. 15,000 per month is a good start. Aim to increase it by 10-15% annually to benefit from the power of compounding.

Diversified Portfolio: Invest in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. Large-cap funds offer stability, while mid-cap and small-cap funds provide growth potential.

Equity Mutual Funds: These are ideal for long-term wealth creation. They offer higher returns compared to debt funds but come with higher risk. Given your 15-year horizon, equity funds are suitable.

Utilize Tax-saving Investments
ELSS Funds: Equity-Linked Savings Scheme (ELSS) offers tax benefits under Section 80C and has the potential for high returns. It has a lock-in period of 3 years.

National Pension System (NPS): NPS is a good option for retirement planning. It offers tax benefits and the flexibility to choose between equity and debt.

Maintain an Emergency Fund
An emergency fund is essential to cover unexpected expenses. Aim to keep 6-12 months' worth of expenses in a liquid fund or savings account. This ensures that your investments remain untouched during emergencies.

Regular Monitoring and Review
Annual Review: Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals. Make adjustments based on market conditions and changes in your financial situation.

Performance Tracking: Keep track of the performance of your mutual funds and other investments. Replace underperforming funds with better-performing ones after thorough research.

Risk Management and Insurance
Adequate Insurance: Ensure that your term insurance coverage is sufficient to cover your family's needs in case of an unfortunate event. Review your health insurance coverage to include critical illnesses if not already covered.

Diversification: Diversify your investments across different asset classes to reduce risk. Avoid putting all your money in one type of investment.

Children's Education and Marriage Planning
Education Fund: Start a dedicated investment plan for your children's education. Consider investing in child education plans or mutual funds earmarked for this purpose.

Marriage Fund: Similarly, plan for your daughters' marriage expenses by starting a separate investment fund. SIPs in equity mutual funds can be a good option for long-term goals.

Retirement Planning
EPF and NPS: Continue contributing to your Employees’ Provident Fund (EPF) and National Pension System (NPS) for retirement savings.

Retirement Corpus: Aim to build a substantial retirement corpus through diversified investments. Consider annuity plans only after evaluating other investment options.

Benefits of Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are excellent for wealth creation due to their diversified portfolio and professional management. Here are some key advantages:

Diversification: Mutual funds invest in a wide range of securities, reducing risk.

Professional Management: Funds are managed by experienced fund managers who make informed investment decisions.

Liquidity: Mutual funds offer high liquidity, allowing you to redeem units as per your needs.

Tax Efficiency: Long-term capital gains from equity mutual funds are tax-efficient.

Power of Compounding: Regular investments in mutual funds can compound over time, significantly increasing your wealth.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds
Direct funds may seem appealing due to lower expense ratios, but they come with certain disadvantages:

Research and Management: Investing in direct funds requires thorough research and regular monitoring, which can be time-consuming and challenging.

Lack of Professional Guidance: Without the expertise of a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), you might miss out on strategic investment opportunities.

Advantages of Regular Funds
Investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with CFP credentials offers several benefits:

Expert Advice: You receive professional advice tailored to your financial goals and risk tolerance.

Convenience: The MFD handles all the paperwork and administrative tasks, making the investment process hassle-free.

Holistic Planning: A CFP provides a comprehensive financial plan, considering all aspects of your financial life.

Final Insights
Creating a wealth corpus of Rs. 2-3 crores in 15 years is achievable with disciplined investing and strategic planning.

Your current financial position is strong, and with a structured approach, you can reach your goals.

Consider your home loan decision carefully, ensuring it aligns with your long-term financial objectives.

Focus on maximizing existing investments, enhancing your mutual fund SIPs, and maintaining a diversified portfolio.

Regularly review your investment strategy and seek professional guidance to stay on track.

With dedication and prudent planning, you can secure a prosperous future for yourself and your family.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 30, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2024Hindi
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I am a female aged 40. My present monthly gross pay is 4.09 lacs. I have a house property which has approx current market value is 1 cr and I have a pending home loan of 25 lacs. I have annual investments of NPS tier1 50k, ppf 1.5 lacs and monthly vpf of 1.25 lacs. My home loan emi is 24.716k. I am married my husband is also well placed and earn little more. We stay in my house and share our expenses equally. My share of expense is within 50k including emi. Both have old arents but they are more or less financially independent. I have an immediate goal to buy a second home at around 2.5 to 3 cr. I have liquid cash of around 50 lacs. I request opinion means to fulfill my goal and also to grow wealth in future
Ans: It sounds like you're in a solid financial position with a clear goal in mind. Given your stable income, existing investments, and liquid cash reserves, you're well-positioned to work towards purchasing a second home.

To fulfill your goal of acquiring a property valued between 2.5 to 3 crores, you may want to consider several strategies:

Continue Building Savings: Maintain your disciplined approach to savings and continue contributing to your investments, such as NPS, PPF, and VPF. This will help grow your wealth over time and provide additional funds for your property purchase.
Review Budget and Expenses: Since you and your husband share expenses equally, ensure that your budget allows for adequate savings towards your property goal. Look for opportunities to optimize expenses and redirect funds towards your savings goal.
Utilize Existing Assets: Your existing house property, with its current market value of 1 crore, can potentially serve as collateral or contribute towards the down payment for your second home. Explore options to leverage this asset effectively.
Investment Diversification: While your current investments are solid, consider diversifying your portfolio to spread risk and potentially enhance returns. Consult with a Certified Financial Planner to explore investment avenues that align with your risk tolerance and long-term objectives.
Mortgage Options: Evaluate different mortgage options available to finance the purchase of your second home. Compare interest rates, loan terms, and eligibility criteria to choose the most suitable option for your financial situation.
Professional Guidance: Given the complexity of your financial situation and the significant investment involved, seek guidance from a financial advisor or planner. They can provide personalized advice and help develop a tailored plan to achieve your property ownership and wealth growth objectives.
By combining prudent financial management with strategic planning, you can navigate towards fulfilling your goal of purchasing a second home while continuing to build wealth for your future.

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 26, 2024Hindi
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Money
Hi I am 45 years old with 1.1 lakh salary per month. I have LIC which i pay 44k as premium every year. My PF currently stands at 13 lakhs. Most of my salary goes to home expenses and i have little to no saving as of now. I have a wife who is home maker and a son 5-year-old. I also have dependent mother and father. No loan as of now. Can a take a home loan of 60 lakhs right now and also be financial secure after 60 years of age ?
Ans: Evaluating Financial Security and Home Loan Decision
Commendation on Your Responsibility
First, commendations on taking responsibility for your family's financial well-being. It’s admirable that you are thinking about long-term financial security while considering major financial decisions like a home loan.

Understanding Your Financial Position
Income and Expenses:

Monthly Salary: Rs. 1.1 lakh
Annual LIC Premium: Rs. 44,000
Provident Fund (PF): Rs. 13 lakhs
Monthly Expenses: Most of your salary goes towards home expenses.
Family Dependents:

Homemaker Wife: No additional income.
5-Year-Old Son: Future education expenses to consider.
Dependent Parents: Additional financial responsibility.
Assessing the Home Loan Decision
Loan Details:

Home Loan Amount: Rs. 60 lakhs
Financial Impact:

EMI Calculation: Assuming an interest rate of 8% for a tenure of 20 years, the EMI would be approximately Rs. 50,000 per month.
Income vs. EMI:

Monthly Salary: Rs. 1.1 lakh
Estimated EMI: Rs. 50,000
Remaining Salary: Rs. 60,000 for all other expenses
Analyzing Financial Security Post-Retirement
Current Savings:

Provident Fund: Rs. 13 lakhs
Insurance Policy:

LIC Premium: Rs. 44,000 annually
Investment Performance: Traditional LIC policies often provide lower returns compared to mutual funds.
Recommendations for Financial Stability
Reassessing Insurance Policy:

Surrender LIC Policy: Consider surrendering the policy and reinvesting the surrender value into high-performing mutual funds.
Term Insurance: Opt for a term insurance policy for adequate life cover at a lower premium.
Investment Strategy:

Mutual Funds:

Diversification: Invest in a mix of equity and debt mutual funds to balance risk and return.
SIP (Systematic Investment Plan): Start a SIP to ensure disciplined investing.
Provident Fund:

Continue Contributions: Ensure continuous contributions to build a substantial retirement corpus.
Emergency Fund:

Essential: Set aside 6-12 months’ worth of expenses in a liquid fund for emergencies.
Evaluating Home Loan Feasibility
Loan Affordability:

High EMI: Rs. 50,000 monthly EMI may strain your finances considering your current expenses.
Alternative Plan: Delay the home loan until you have more savings and investments.
Long-Term Planning:

Education Fund: Start a dedicated fund for your son's education.
Retirement Planning: Invest systematically to ensure financial security post-retirement.
Conclusion
Taking a Rs. 60 lakh home loan with your current financial position may strain your monthly budget. Prioritise building savings and investments first. Surrender the LIC policy, reinvest in mutual funds, and opt for term insurance. Focus on creating an emergency fund and planning for your son’s education and your retirement. This approach will ensure long-term financial security and reduce financial stress.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 10, 2024Hindi
Money
Hallo,sir I am 45 years old, in Government service, I have another 15 years of job left, will it be wise to take home loan , as my savings are low but I have a home but I am like to purchase another one, or should I invest the money in mutual fund and post pone the idea of purchaseing another home?
Ans: Understanding Your Financial Goals
At 45, you are contemplating significant financial decisions. Purchasing a new home or investing in mutual funds are important choices. Balancing your savings and future financial security is crucial.

Current Financial Position
You mentioned low savings but already own a home. This is a good position to be in. Homeownership provides a safety net and stability. Understanding your financial health is essential before making a new investment.

Evaluating the Home Loan Option
Taking a home loan has its advantages and disadvantages. You have 15 years left in your government service, which provides a stable income. However, consider your current financial commitments, future needs, and retirement plans.

Pros of Taking a Home Loan
Tax Benefits: Home loans offer tax deductions on principal and interest repayment.

Property Appreciation: Real estate can appreciate over time, potentially increasing your wealth.

Leverage: You can purchase a high-value asset without having the entire amount upfront.

Cons of Taking a Home Loan
Debt Burden: A loan increases your financial liabilities and monthly outflows.

Interest Payments: Interest can substantially increase the cost of the property.

Market Risk: Real estate markets can be unpredictable, and property values may not always increase.

Analyzing Mutual Fund Investments
Investing in mutual funds is a versatile and potentially rewarding option. It allows you to diversify your investments and manage risk effectively.

Benefits of Mutual Funds
Diversification: Mutual funds invest in a wide range of assets, reducing risk.

Professional Management: Funds are managed by experienced professionals who aim to maximize returns.

Liquidity: Mutual funds are relatively easy to buy and sell, providing flexibility.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs): SIPs allow you to invest small amounts regularly, which is manageable with your income.

Types of Mutual Funds to Consider
Equity Funds: Suitable for long-term growth, though they come with higher risk.

Debt Funds: Lower risk, focusing on fixed-income securities, suitable for stability.

Balanced Funds: A mix of equity and debt, offering balanced risk and returns.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Lack of Flexibility: Index funds strictly follow the index, missing out on opportunities to outperform.

No Downside Protection: In a declining market, index funds fall just as much as the index.

Limited Control: Fund managers cannot make strategic decisions to mitigate risks or enhance returns.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Expert Management: Fund managers actively select securities aiming for higher returns.

Strategic Flexibility: Managers can adjust the portfolio based on market conditions.

Potential for Higher Returns: Skilled managers may outperform the market over time.

Investing Through Certified Financial Planners
Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) has distinct advantages. CFPs provide personalized advice and help align your investments with your financial goals.

Advantages of Regular Funds Over Direct Funds
Professional Guidance: CFPs offer expert advice and help optimize your investment strategy.

Holistic Financial Planning: They consider your overall financial situation, including goals, risk tolerance, and time horizon.

Regular Monitoring: CFPs regularly review and adjust your portfolio to ensure it remains aligned with your objectives.

Assessing Your Risk Tolerance
Understanding your risk tolerance is vital. At 45, balancing risk and return becomes crucial as you approach retirement.

Factors Affecting Risk Tolerance
Age and Time Horizon: Closer you are to retirement, the lower your risk tolerance.

Financial Responsibilities: Current debts, future expenses, and dependents influence your capacity for risk.

Investment Experience: Your familiarity with market fluctuations and investment strategies.

Planning for Retirement
Your retirement planning should include considerations for steady income, healthcare costs, and lifestyle maintenance.

Strategies for Retirement Planning
Diversified Portfolio: Spread investments across different asset classes to balance risk and return.

Regular Contributions: Consistently contribute to your retirement funds through SIPs or other means.

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund to cover unexpected expenses without disrupting your investments.

Long-Term Financial Security
Ensuring long-term financial security involves strategic planning and disciplined investing.

Building a Robust Financial Plan
Set Clear Goals: Define short-term and long-term financial goals.

Create a Budget: Track income and expenses to manage savings and investments effectively.

Review and Adjust: Regularly review your financial plan and make necessary adjustments based on life changes and market conditions.

Making the Decision: Home Loan vs. Mutual Funds
Deciding between a home loan and mutual funds depends on your financial goals, risk tolerance, and current financial position.

When to Consider a Home Loan
Long-Term Stay: If you plan to stay in the new home for a long time, buying can be advantageous.

Financial Readiness: Ensure you can comfortably manage EMIs along with other financial commitments.

Market Conditions: Favorable real estate market conditions can make purchasing a home a good investment.

When to Choose Mutual Funds
Investment Diversification: If you seek diversification and liquidity, mutual funds are ideal.

Higher Returns Potential: Historically, mutual funds, especially equity funds, have provided higher returns over the long term.

Lower Immediate Outflow: SIPs allow you to start investing with smaller amounts compared to a home loan's down payment.

Emotional and Practical Considerations
Emotional and practical aspects play a significant role in financial decisions.

Emotional Factors
Security and Stability: Owning a second home can provide a sense of security and stability.

Financial Independence: Investing in mutual funds can enhance your financial independence and flexibility.

Practical Aspects
Maintenance and Management: Owning another property involves maintenance and management costs.

Liquidity Needs: Mutual funds offer better liquidity compared to real estate investments.

Practical Steps to Make an Informed Decision
Assess Financial Situation: Review your savings, income, expenses, and existing debts.

Consult a CFP: Seek advice from a Certified Financial Planner to align your decision with your financial goals.

Research: Gather information on current real estate and mutual fund market conditions.

Consider Future Needs: Think about your future financial needs, including retirement, children's education, and healthcare.

Final Insights
Both options have their merits. A home loan provides tangible assets and potential appreciation, while mutual funds offer diversification and professional management. Considering your low savings, mutual funds might be a better option to grow your wealth steadily. They offer flexibility, liquidity, and the potential for higher returns, aligning well with your goal of financial security.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 24, 2024

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I am 39 having a monthly gross salary of 1.10 and received in hand is 81000. I have two children 10 and 5 years old. I want to take a home loan of 50 lac. Monthly expenses are about 35000/- . My second source of income gives me on an average 25000/- p.m. No other savings is there. However I have a health insurance and term loan and a Lic for Sum assured 25lac. Now I want to have my own house and I want to take a home loan of 50 lac. At present I am residing in parents home. Sourav Pranjal
Ans: Financial Overview and Assessment
Your financial profile shows a solid income and manageable expenses. However, acquiring a home loan requires careful consideration. Let's break down your financial situation and evaluate the feasibility of a Rs 50 lakh home loan.

Income and Expenses
Primary Income: Rs 81,000/month

Secondary Income: Rs 25,000/month

Total Monthly Income: Rs 1,06,000

Monthly Expenses: Rs 35,000

Net Savings Potential: Rs 71,000

Existing Financial Commitments
Health Insurance: Ensures medical security

Term Loan: Provides life cover

LIC Policy: Sum assured of Rs 25 lakh

Evaluating Home Loan Feasibility
Home Loan Requirement: Rs 50 lakh

EMI Calculation: The EMI for a Rs 50 lakh home loan for 20 years at an 8% interest rate would be approximately Rs 41,822.

Analysis of EMI Affordability
Net Savings Potential: Rs 71,000

Expected EMI: Rs 41,822

You can comfortably afford the EMI. Your net savings post-EMI payment would be Rs 29,178, which provides a good cushion for emergencies and additional savings.

Planning for Future Expenses
Children’s Education: Planning is crucial for your children's education expenses. Start a SIP in a diversified equity mutual fund to build a corpus for this.

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6 months of expenses, including EMI.

Investment Strategy
Mutual Funds SIPs: Invest in diversified mutual funds to grow your wealth over time.

Stocks SIP: Direct stock SIPs can offer higher returns but come with higher risk. Balance with mutual funds for stability.

Insurance and Savings Recommendations
Increase Term Insurance: Ensure your term insurance covers at least 10 times your annual income.

Review LIC Policy: Evaluate the performance and consider if switching to mutual funds can yield better returns.

Advantages of Mutual Fund SIPs Over Direct Stock SIPs
Professional Management: Managed by experts who make informed decisions.

Diversification: Reduces risk by spreading investments across multiple stocks.

Ease of Investing: Less time-consuming and easier to manage.

Liquidity: Easy to redeem units when needed.

Final Insights
Home Loan Feasibility: You can afford the home loan. Ensure you have a buffer for emergencies.

Children’s Education: Start saving through SIPs to build a corpus.

Emergency Fund: Maintain 6 months of expenses as a buffer.

Term Insurance: Increase coverage to secure your family’s future.

Investment Strategy: Diversify between mutual funds and stocks. Prioritise mutual funds for stability and professional management.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Anu Krishna  |1269 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

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Hi Madam, I'm 60,retired, my wife is 47, our son is 23. I had love marriage and was leading a happy married life. Just after silver jubilee of our wedding anniversary I accidentally came to know that my wife is madly in love with one of our common married friend who runs a simple shop. Upon investigation I found that they are in relation for last 12 years and were enjoying sex in my own house for such a long time. He hails from an uneducated family and is not even cultured. I could not believe that the wife of a highly educated socially respected man could do this with a shopkeeper who does not have any socio economic status. I am living a normal life with my wife for the sake of our only child. Once he settles in life I have decided to end my life. Ofcourse I still love her as ours was a love marriage. I seek your wise suggestion in this regard, should I divorce her or live a normal life that we are doing?
Ans: Dear Shristi,
It is obviously very shocking for you to know that things have been happening behind your back.
Now, how you want this to move on from here on, is a decision only you must make! Have you had a chat with your wife about the association that she has with the other person? Does she know that you know about it?
If she doesn't, then you need to make her aware and yes, do ask her whether she is interested at all in the marriage. That will give you an idea as to whether things are worth fighting for or is it best to walk away!

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1269 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 03, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hello madam I a 32 year old married man with a kid , who is 6 years old. I have done arrange marriage with my own decision I agreed to my parents for the marrige at that time I was in a casual relationship with a girl I didn't said anything to the girl and get married to someone else. After that I tried to live a happay life with my wife without thinking about the girl whom I left behind, from outside I tried to be happy with my wife but my wife thought doesn't matches with me so I felt so disturbed from inside. Still I was trying to continue the relationship for sake of our child but suddenly I got my ex love contact and I was so happy that after so long time I got a chance to talk to her, I have tried to meet her but she always refused to meet me because she was in a relationship. I tried many times and due to some misconduct I again lost her for the second time. At this moment when she is not with me her thoughts memories are troubling me so much I am in pain, what am I suppose to do to get rid of the pain?? Please help
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
There is no point wanting a 'past' relationship just because you have one...what if that relationship did not exist, you would have possibly made efforts to make your marriage work, right?
Then do just that...DO NOT treat your marriage as an option...which marriage is a perfect one? And are all spouses tailor-made to fit one another?
So, if her thoughts don't match with yours, then even yours don't match with hers...so, should she also think of jumping into some other relationship. Please act mature about this especially with a child in the entire equation; try and understand each other...speak about your differences and find ways of working on them by accepting them. Ex-love etc looks all very nice, but come down to ground reality; please...work on your marriage!

All the best!
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Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand you are in a tough spot. But it's nice to see that after all those years of differences, you still have genuine feelings for her. I strongly suggest considering marriage counseling. From your description of your marriage, it seems to be there have been issues from the very beginning of it. It's been too long and now those issues must've become deep-rooted. Seeing a professional can be a game-changer. They can guide you out of this slump more methodically and help you navigate the emotions you are feeling right now. It can also help you understand the reasons for your wife's disinterest and handle it better.

Best Wishes

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 02, 2024Hindi
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Hii, I have an love marriage after 9 years of dating and 6 years, 2 children post marriage, my little one is 11 months old now. My husband has an affair upto chatting to someone in his company, his junior but in different department, when my Lil one was 1 month old, we had in a rough patch then due to child birth and family drama. When I saw it and confronted him, he said he is sorry and won't do it again, we had multiple fights for 3-4 months after then due to same reason, but he mostly listen and consol. It's been a lot of mental torture for me. I love my husband a lot and he is a good person, but sometimes sill I see her msg in his phone asking for small helps or casual msg. She is also married. I am not sure my husband deletes msg or what, I am not able to get over this. Before it, this is was preety much a good relationship. I am highly educated and independent women. I don't want anything form my husband apart from love. What should I do, whenever I tell him I want to just leave and let him have his life, he won't let me somehow. We are having a good physical relationship 2-4 times a week( just to tell where we are). Please help me...I can't overcome that he is making fool of me...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am sorry to hear you are in such a tough spot. I would suggest considering marriage counseling. A professional who can help you both tackle these issues would be helpful in this situation. I understand that it was his mistake and he needs to put the effort to make you trust him again, but since you are still together, you will also have to put in the effort to let it. I know it is difficult and that's where marriage counselor comes in. They can help you navigate these feelings. Moreover, if he is indeed hiding something, therapy can help that come out in the open.

Hope this helps.

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Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

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Hi, Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. Partner(F28)continuing friendship with a person[M] who had crush on her before marriage considered emotional infidelity? Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. My wife is having friendship (strictly platonic) with a guy from her 10tlh grade (same class). Before our marriage (she may be doing her college, our relationship just started may be 2 weeks) this guy told her he has genuine interest in her and he want to take the relationship further if she wants, she said she is not interested in a relationship and she got committed, she always saw him as a friend, no other feelings for him and we can be friends if you don't bring any romantic interest again. He never took this talk again ever after and happy to be a friend. They are talking as friends. She got married to me. He also got married. They still do chats once in a month. She introduced me to him and visited his home when we visited his city. He also came to our home once (me and my family was there). She used to update me with chat she had with him and the content they are chatting. I am ok with that When we were talking about our school life and college life 2 years before. She said this guy had crush on her during her college days. I asked her, why did not she tell me this info till now. She said it is not purposely, she does not feel the need to do as the person is not in-appropriate with her and continuing as good friend as promised after she rejected his proposal. I don’t want to create any unnecessary issues as I don’t have any felling or so with him. That time I checked their chats completely, it’s about update about their common friends, their recent travel, their job, meditation courses and the books they read recently. I haven’t seen any flirting or romantic message from either of them. So I am perfectly fine with it and had no problems. I recently came to know about the concept of emotional cheating which is very new to me. Before that cheating to me is only flirting, sexeting and physical sex. I have asked for advice in redddit.com in infedility sub forum about emotional cheating/ emotion affair. There persons are advising like even having friendship with someone who had crush on you is emotional cheating as it is indirectly leading them on you. So with an omission of lie he had crush on her and indirectly leading him on you wife was emotionally cheating on you. This is very much equal to cheating. I do have lots of friends in other gender, but no one had crush on me. Does this count as emotional cheating/affair as she did not mention he had crush on her before marriage? I am little depressed and not able to spend quality time with my wife who is in postpartum depression and take care of our daughter properly as before. Do you guys advise me how to navigate this situation?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Are you really going to ruin your happy relationship based on some new term you have learned recently? Emotional cheating and many more terms of the kind will come and go, what truly matters is the truth. She is merely friends with this guy and for your peace of mind, you have even checked their conversations- what part of it looks like cheating to you? If tomorrow, some random person projecting their own insecurities claims that a man speaking to a woman is some "new form" of cheating, would you start believing that? My point is that these are just random opinions of some people- it isn't the ultimate truth. The entire context matters. This man had a crush on your wife, she rejected it, and now they are just friends. I find absolutely no misconduct or infidelity in this. The fact that none of your friends had a crush on you does not factor in at all. Moreover, your wife is in postpartum depression- that should be your biggest concern but here you are, giving more importance to the random 2 AM thoughts of some people you don't even know. Please rethink if you are being fair to your wife- the mother of your child.

Best Wishes

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 26, 2024Hindi
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I (30M) am looking for Arranged Marriage Prospects. My Family has found a Prospect (27F) who seems like a Good Match, she's Well Educated, Earning Well & from the same Community. I haven't yet met her in Person, but connected with her on Social Media Platforms & interacting regularly. Recently, I scrolled through her Instagram Profile (It's a Public Profile). She seems to be a very Sociable Person, she has shared many Photos of herself, Partying/Travelling along with her Friends. My Problem is that she seems to like Wearing Clothes which are Revealing. She has shared many Photos/Videos, in which she's skimpily dressed (including some Bikini Photos at Beach/Swimming Pool). She also has a Pierced Navel Ring & Tattoos on some Private Parts like Chest, Hips, Thighs & Lower Back, which she flaunts proudly on Social Media. Though, I am not Judging her Character, based on her Choice of Clothing, but seeing all these made me a little Uncomfortable, as I am a very Modest & Simple Person myself. I have not discussed this issue with my Parents, as they have a very good opinion about her (which I don't want to Ruin). But I've discussed with some of my closest Friends (of both Genders) & some of them have Chided me for being so Judgemental. They suggested me to meet her atleast once in person, to understand what's her Character/Personality like. Shall I give it a try or Reject her Politely at this stage itself, without wasting any more Time (either her or mine)? Or am I being too Superficial to Judge a Woman, just based on her Social Media Profile, without even meeting her once, personally (This is what some of my closest Female Friends opined)? Please suggest me how to proceed with this Prospect in Arranged Marriage.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I know it might come off as you being judgmental of her choice of dressing, but you have a right to form an opinion in your mind, especially since in your case, you might be marrying the person. As long as you are not making up your mind about her based on her dressing, forcing her to dress the way she wants, or thrusting your opinion on her, it's alright. It's human nature to be a bit jerked by the choices others make that we won't make ourselves. Having said that, I believe meeting her once in person can be good for you; you might have a new perspective- both about her and on life. But no one can force you to do either. My suggestion is that do what you think is right- if you are sure you will reject this alliance based on her choice of clothes, even if she is the nicest person on the face of the earth, meeting up might be a waste of time. But if you think you are open to changing your mind, go for it.

I would also like for you to remember one important point if things work out between the two of you- do not try to push your opinions on dressing and change the way she is after getting married. That would not be fair. In case, you start hoping that she will change and fit YOUR mold of the perfect woman, I would strongly suggest keeping that thought in check.

Best Wishes.

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