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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 25, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 14, 2024Hindi
Money

Am 33 yrs old female, married, have no kids now. Earning 1.40 cash in hand every month. Have got emi s 35k per month for 3 yrs. Expenses of 30k. Ppf and nps of 12k per month together. And 16k per month into cashback policy commited for 10yrs and pays back from 11th year. Want to plan a home and also retirement plans. Suggest a few

Ans: It’s great that you’re proactively planning for your financial future. At 33, you have a solid income and are managing your expenses and savings well. With Rs. 1.40 lakh in hand monthly and committed investments, you’re on the right path. Let’s take a closer look at how you can achieve your goals of buying a home and planning for retirement effectively.

Understanding Your Current Financial Situation
You’re already juggling multiple financial responsibilities. Here’s a breakdown:

Income:

Monthly take-home pay is Rs. 1.40 lakh.
Monthly Obligations:

EMI of Rs. 35,000 for the next three years.
Monthly expenses of Rs. 30,000.
PPF and NPS contributions totaling Rs. 12,000.
A commitment of Rs. 16,000 per month in a cashback policy for 10 years.
Let’s sum up your current cash flows:

Income: Rs. 1,40,000
Expenses and commitments: Rs. 93,000
EMI: Rs. 35,000
Monthly expenses: Rs. 30,000
PPF and NPS: Rs. 12,000
Cashback policy: Rs. 16,000
This leaves you with a surplus of Rs. 47,000 each month.

Prioritizing Your Goals: Home and Retirement
To make a robust plan, we need to prioritize your goals. Here’s a step-by-step approach:

Short-Term Goal - Buying a Home:

You may want to buy a home in the near future, especially considering the EMI burden you’re managing now.
Let’s plan to save effectively for a down payment and subsequent EMIs.
Long-Term Goal - Retirement Planning:

Retirement is a crucial long-term goal. You’re already contributing to PPF and NPS, which is a good start.
We need to ensure that you have a diversified investment strategy for a comfortable retirement.
Evaluating Your Existing Investments
Your current investments and commitments include:

PPF and NPS (Rs. 12,000/month):

These are excellent for long-term savings and provide tax benefits.
Cashback Policy (Rs. 16,000/month):

This policy gives returns after 10 years. It’s good to reassess its value as it might not provide the best returns.
Monthly EMI (Rs. 35,000):

It’s important to clear this debt to free up cash flow for future investments.
Given these, let’s look at how to optimize your savings and investments.

Streamlining Investments for Better Returns
You’ve got a good base with PPF and NPS, but there are ways to optimize your portfolio further:

Reevaluate the Cashback Policy:

Traditional insurance plans like cashback policies often provide lower returns.
Consider surrendering this policy and redirecting funds into higher-yield investments such as mutual funds.
Focus on High-Growth Investments:

Consider equity mutual funds for higher growth potential over the long term.
Actively managed funds can provide better returns than index funds and are worth considering for diversification.
Maintain Liquidity:

Ensure you have adequate emergency savings. Six months' worth of expenses (Rs. 1,80,000) should be kept in easily accessible accounts.
Strategic Planning for Your Home Purchase
Buying a home is a significant financial commitment. Here’s how you can plan for it:

Down Payment Savings:

Start saving specifically for the down payment. Aim for at least 20% of the property value to avoid high-interest EMIs.
Future EMI Planning:

Once your current loan is paid off, you’ll have Rs. 35,000 more available monthly. Plan to use this for new EMIs.
Dedicated Savings Fund:

Set up a dedicated savings account for your home purchase. Allocate a portion of your monthly surplus (e.g., Rs. 20,000) into this fund.
Enhancing Your Retirement Plan
To ensure a comfortable retirement, consider the following:

Diversify Retirement Investments:

Beyond PPF and NPS, invest in mutual funds through SIPs. Equity funds can offer high returns over long periods.
Increase Retirement Contributions:

As your salary grows, increase your contributions to retirement funds.
Monitor and Rebalance:

Regularly review your investment portfolio. Rebalance as needed to stay aligned with your retirement goals.
Crafting a Balanced Investment Portfolio
To balance growth and stability in your investments, here’s a suggested approach:

Equity Mutual Funds:

Allocate a portion of your monthly surplus to equity mutual funds. These funds offer higher growth potential, especially if you start early.
Debt Instruments:

Continue investing in PPF and NPS for stable, long-term returns.
Balanced Funds:

Consider balanced funds that invest in both equity and debt. They offer a good mix of growth and stability.
Financial Discipline and Monitoring
Maintaining financial discipline is key to achieving your goals:

Budget and Save:

Stick to a budget to manage expenses and savings effectively. Allocate funds specifically for your goals.
Automate Investments:

Set up automated transfers to your savings and investment accounts. This ensures consistency and removes the temptation to spend.
Regular Reviews:

Review your financial plan regularly. Adjust based on changes in income, expenses, and goals.
Planning for Future Expenses
You’ve mentioned no kids currently, but future family planning could impact your finances:

Plan for Child Expenses:

If you plan to have children, consider the additional expenses and savings needed for education and upbringing.
Insurance Needs:

Ensure adequate health and life insurance coverage. This protects your family and assets in case of unforeseen events.
Leveraging Tax Benefits
Maximize your tax savings to enhance your investment returns:

Utilize Section 80C:

Contributions to PPF, NPS, and ELSS funds qualify for deductions under Section 80C. Ensure you’re using this to your advantage.
Home Loan Benefits:

When you buy a home, home loan EMIs provide tax benefits on both principal and interest components under Sections 80C and 24(b).
Tax-Efficient Investments:

Consider investments that offer tax-free returns or lower tax liability, like PPF and long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds.
Building a Comprehensive Financial Plan
To summarize, your comprehensive financial plan should include:

Debt Management:

Focus on clearing your existing EMIs to free up cash flow for future investments.
Savings and Investments:

Create a balanced portfolio with a mix of equity and debt. Focus on high-growth investments for long-term goals.
Home Purchase Plan:

Save diligently for a home down payment. Plan your future EMIs to fit within your budget.
Retirement Planning:

Diversify your retirement savings and increase contributions as your income grows. Review and adjust your retirement plan regularly.
Tax Optimization:

Maximize your tax savings through strategic investments and utilizing tax benefits on loans and savings schemes.
Final Insights
You’re on a promising path with your current financial discipline. With a strategic approach, you can achieve both your home purchase and retirement goals effectively. Simplify your investments, focus on high-growth opportunities, and maintain financial discipline to ensure a secure and prosperous future.

Streamline and Focus:

Simplify your portfolio to focus on high-growth, well-diversified investments.
Plan for the Long Term:

Keep your retirement and home purchase goals in sight. Regularly update your plan to stay on track.
Stay Disciplined:

Maintain a disciplined approach to budgeting, saving, and investing. This is key to achieving your financial goals.
If you have any questions or need further guidance, feel free to reach out. I’m here to help you navigate your financial journey.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 27, 2024

Money
Hi Expert, I am 39 Years Old and single Earning in family and earn 1 lakh per month. Home Loan 23 lakh ans NPS is 5200 pm and Term plan 1 cr already running. Please suggest some retirement and higher education for child, daughter and son 7 years.
Ans: You are 39 years old, the sole earner in your family, and earn Rs 1 lakh per month. You have a home loan of Rs 23 lakhs and contribute Rs 5200 per month to the NPS. You also have a term plan of Rs 1 crore. Your primary financial goals are planning for retirement and your children’s higher education.

Setting Financial Goals
Retirement Planning: Ensure a comfortable retirement with adequate savings.

Children’s Education: Save for your daughter and son’s higher education.

Monthly Savings and Investments
You need to allocate a portion of your income to systematic savings and investments to meet these goals.

Assessing Current Commitments
Home Loan: You have a home loan of Rs 23 lakhs. Ensure timely EMI payments to manage this debt efficiently.

NPS Contribution: You are already contributing to the NPS, which will aid in your retirement planning.

Retirement Planning
Diversified Retirement Portfolio
Equity Mutual Funds: Allocate a portion of your savings to equity mutual funds. These funds provide high returns over the long term, helping you build a substantial corpus.

Debt Mutual Funds: These funds provide stability and lower risk, balancing your portfolio.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Regular SIPs: Start a SIP in equity mutual funds to build wealth systematically. This approach benefits from rupee cost averaging and compounding.

Increase SIP Amount Annually: Increase your SIP contributions by 5-10% annually to match inflation and income growth.

National Pension System (NPS)
Continue NPS Contributions: The NPS is a good tool for retirement savings. Continue your monthly contributions of Rs 5200.

Review NPS Allocation: Ensure your NPS investments are well-diversified between equity, corporate bonds, and government securities.

Children’s Education Planning
Education Savings Plans
Dedicated Education Funds: Invest in plans specifically designed for children’s education. These plans help build a dedicated corpus for your children’s future needs.

Balanced Portfolio: A mix of equity and debt funds can provide growth and stability for education planning.

Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (for daughters)
Sukanya Samriddhi Account: If you have a daughter, consider investing in this scheme. It offers attractive interest rates and tax benefits.
Calculating Required Corpus
Estimate Education Costs
Higher Education Costs: Estimate the future costs of higher education for both children. This will help in determining the amount you need to save.

Regular Contributions: Make regular contributions to education savings plans to accumulate the required corpus.

Risk Management
Insurance Coverage
Term Insurance: You already have a term insurance plan of Rs 1 crore. Ensure it is adequate to cover your family’s needs in case of unforeseen events.
Emergency Fund
Maintain Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. This fund will provide financial security during emergencies.
Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Professional Management
Expertise: Actively managed funds benefit from the expertise of professional fund managers who make informed investment decisions.

Market Opportunities: Fund managers can exploit market opportunities to achieve higher returns.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Limited Returns: Index funds only aim to match the market returns, not outperform it.

Lack of Flexibility: They lack the flexibility to react quickly to market changes.

Direct Funds vs Regular Funds
Disadvantages of Direct Funds
No Guidance: Direct funds do not offer professional guidance, which is crucial for optimal investment decisions.

Time-Consuming: Managing direct investments can be complex and time-consuming without expert help.

Benefits of Regular Funds via MFD with CFP Credential
Expert Advice: Regular funds provide access to certified financial planners who can offer tailored advice.

Better Performance: Professional management often results in better performance compared to self-managed direct funds.

Comprehensive Planning: Investing through a CFP ensures a holistic approach to financial planning.

Achieving Your Financial Goals
Regular Savings
Discipline: Regular savings and disciplined investments are key to achieving your financial goals.

Review and Adjust: Regularly review your portfolio and adjust based on performance and changing goals.

Increasing Contributions
Annual Increases: Increase your investment contributions by 5-10% annually to keep pace with income growth and inflation.
Professional Guidance
Consult a CFP: Regular consultations with a Certified Financial Planner will help you stay on track and make necessary adjustments.
Final Thoughts
Your financial planning is crucial for a secure future for yourself and your children. By following a disciplined investment strategy and seeking professional advice, you can achieve your retirement and education goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6991 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 11, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 37 years old my salary is 1.38 lacs per month my wife salary is 35k pm we have a home loan of 44 lacs we hve one daughter of4 yrs old. I have Fd of 50 lacs & 2 lacs in mutual funds and 50 lacs of term insurance and taken on tata insurance of 1.50 lacs per year. Abt exp i pay monthly rent 12k n ppf pay 9k pm...just want to know how can i plan my retirement n pay back my home loan as soon as possible..in my retirement i need a good amt of money to live good life..also m getting rent of 6k in one property
Ans: Strategic Financial Planning for Retirement and Home Loan Repayment
Understanding Your Current Financial Landscape
You are 37 years old with a monthly salary of Rs 1.38 lakh, while your wife earns Rs 35,000 per month. You have a home loan of Rs 44 lakh and a 4-year-old daughter. Your financial assets include Rs 50 lakh in fixed deposits, Rs 2 lakh in mutual funds, and a term insurance cover of Rs 50 lakh. Additionally, you have a Tata insurance policy with an annual premium of Rs 1.50 lakh. Your monthly expenses include a rent of Rs 12,000 and a PPF contribution of Rs 9,000. You also receive a rental income of Rs 6,000 from one property.

Setting Financial Goals
Short-Term Goals
Home Loan Repayment: Focus on paying off the home loan to reduce debt burden and free up cash flow.
Emergency Fund: Strengthen your emergency fund to cover at least six months of living expenses.
Children's Education: Start planning for your daughter's education expenses.
Long-Term Goals
Retirement Planning: Aim to build a substantial corpus for retirement to maintain your lifestyle and cover expenses.
Wealth Accumulation: Continue to grow your investments to achieve financial independence and secure your future.
Strategies for Home Loan Repayment
Increase EMI Payments
Consider increasing your monthly EMI payments to expedite the loan repayment process. Even a small increase can significantly reduce the tenure and interest burden.

Utilize Lump Sums
Use any windfalls or bonuses to make lump-sum payments towards the principal amount. This reduces the outstanding loan balance and interest payable.

Consider Refinancing
Evaluate the possibility of refinancing your home loan to avail lower interest rates. However, assess the associated costs and benefits before making a decision.

Retirement Planning Strategies
Calculate Retirement Corpus
Estimate your post-retirement expenses, factoring in inflation and lifestyle requirements. Use retirement calculators to determine the corpus needed to maintain your current standard of living.

Invest in Retirement Funds
Allocate a portion of your savings towards retirement funds, such as NPS or pension plans, for long-term growth and regular income post-retirement.

Diversify Investments
Diversify your investment portfolio to mitigate risks and maximize returns. Consider a mix of equity, debt, and balanced funds based on your risk appetite and investment horizon.

Enhancing Investment Portfolio
Review Insurance Policies
Evaluate your existing insurance policies, including Tata insurance and term insurance. Ensure they provide adequate coverage for your family's needs. Consider surrendering policies with low returns and reinvesting the proceeds in more profitable avenues.

Optimize Mutual Fund Investments
Review your mutual fund portfolio to ensure alignment with your financial goals and risk tolerance. Consider increasing SIP contributions and exploring growth-oriented funds for higher returns.

Expand Real Estate Investments
Given your rental income, consider expanding your real estate portfolio for additional passive income streams. However, conduct thorough research and due diligence before investing in properties.

Creating Additional Income Streams
Explore Side Hustles
Consider exploring additional sources of income through freelance work, consulting, or online ventures. This diversifies your income streams and provides financial security.

Monetize Skills and Expertise
Leverage your skills and expertise to offer consulting services or conduct workshops in your industry. This not only generates additional income but also enhances your professional reputation.

Ensuring Financial Security
Strengthen Emergency Fund
Increase your emergency fund to cover unforeseen expenses and mitigate financial risks. Aim for a corpus equivalent to at least six months of living expenses.

Secure Health Insurance
Given the uncertainty of job redundancy, secure comprehensive health insurance coverage for your family. This safeguards your savings from unexpected medical expenses.

Final Insights
Strategic financial planning is essential to achieve your retirement and home loan repayment goals. Prioritize debt reduction, maximize savings, and diversify investments to build long-term wealth. Explore opportunities for additional income and ensure adequate insurance coverage for financial security. With disciplined execution and prudent decision-making, you can secure a comfortable retirement and a debt-free future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

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Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Oct 07, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 05, 2024Hindi
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I am 41 years old........ I am earning approximately 1.7 lakh per month...... My family liability is approximately 50000 per month.......i have a liability of 10 lakh home loan for which i am paying 12500 monthly EMI.......my investment include 40000 per month in PPF, 4200 in NPS and 3 lakh invested in mutual funds......I own a house worth 70 lakh and a plot of land worth 30 lakh.......please guide me for my forther planning as i will retire at age of 54 on 2037.
Ans: Hello;

If you are sure about not using the land plot in future then I suggest you sell it and invest the proceeds into mutual funds.

So land sell proceeds(30 L) + existing corpus of 3 L if stays invested in pure equity mutual funds for next 13 years, it will yield you a corpus of 1.62 Cr.

Also I recommend you to start a monthly sip of 50 K into pure equity fund for 13 years. At the end of 13 years it may yield you a corpus of around 2.04 Cr. (A modest return of 13% is assumed for all mutual fund investments)

NPS investment will not mature till you reach 60 so I am keeping it out of our working.

Your contribution of 40 K per month to EPF+PPF(PPF contribution cannot be more then 1.5 L per person per year) will grow into a corpus of 1.1 Cr after 13 years.(A modest return of 8% is assumed)

So your comprehensive corpus in 2037 will be 1.62+2.04+1.1= 4.76 Cr.

If you buy an immediate annuity from an insurance company for your corpus of 4.76 Cr, you may expect a monthly payout of 1.66 L(post tax) considering annuity rate of 6%.

If you don't want to sell the land parcel then I recommend you to start an sip of 60 K per month for 13 years. This may yield you a corpus of 2.45 Cr after 13 years.

3 L current MF corpus will grow to 0.1469 Cr after 13 years

So your comprehensive corpus now is 2.45+1.1+0.1469=~3.70 Cr

If you buy an immediate annuity from an insurance company for your corpus of 3.7 Cr then you may expect to receive a monthly payout of 1.3 L(post tax).

Further NPS will yield you a corpus of 25.5 L at the attainment of 60 years of age.(9% return considered; hoping you will continue to contribute after your retirement at 54 age)

I am sure you have adequate term life insurance and healthcare insurance for yourself and family.

You are ready to retire at 54 as planned.

Happy Investing!!

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 06, 2024
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Hi Anu, i am 34 year old woman married to a 41 year old man. We are married for past 10 years. We had no sexual relationship for first 5 years, after lot of pestering and fights and realisation that there must a physical problem at my husband’s end i convinced him to visit an expert in this domain. Turns out he had low testosterone level. He took the necessary medication and i really tried for 1 year to make it work. It worked to a certain extent but it was more like a chore than something we really want to do. Then we decided that we should go for a baby as well while we are at it. Now my daughter is 2.5. Things never got better. We don’t talk about our lack of any intimacy physical or mental. We are living like roommates. He is the best husband a person can ask for on paper. My parents love him. He is the nicest guy. But in reality we never had any connection and no comparability. And whatever attraction and love i had for him in the beginning is lost completely. I have no idea what goes on his mind. He is a closed book i could never open. He accepts the problem but blames me too if i force him to open up. I am in such a bad place mentally. I keep thinking about the one life i got, i wasted it. Why did i get married so soon? I like someone in office who i have no future with because he is in some other country. I do not know what to do and how to live my life. I get thoughts that life should not be so long.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
A case where the person shuts down because he carries the guilt of what is happening to him and what he is facing...not a very useful way of dealing with the situation but when society has drummed it into us that a 'man' is defined by his masculine traits and behaviors, can you blame him for it?
He is possibly embarrassed and this could be a reason for him 'closing down' within the marriage. He needs to be slowly cajoled out of what he is feeling...What the two of you could do is: start the marriage as though it is Day One...
Now, how would the two of you connect? How would things be different?
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Mam i love a boy.. Who is 2 yr younger then me and... Now he is preparing for jE.. Post and... My parents worry about my marriage... I told him about this.... He is craying... So much... He love s me very much.... He don't tell about this relationship.....to his parents.. Because he dont have any.... Job..... What should i do mam.... Plz.... Tell me... Mamm plzzz
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

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Hello, There is a woman in my office working in my department. She is my friend's wife and was referred by me for this job. We get to work closely often, but we both make opportunities to get to work together. Most of our time spent is on work related items, with few minutes of casual chats, and we both have spent a lot of time alone in office, working extra hours and all. I have a feeling that I am starting to yearn to spend time with her on work and she also tries to be around me. We both text outside of office hours, share a lot of "inside" jokes and we both look to be enjoying the time together. I am in a confused state because it looks like she is giving me a lot of signs to move forward to next levels, but I am pulling back and not advancing. We both are married and have families. Any advice?
Ans: To manage this, start by gently reinforcing professional boundaries. While it may feel awkward initially, limiting the personal, non-work-related conversations and texts can create some emotional distance. This will not only help reduce feelings of attachment but also prevent misunderstandings or assumptions from developing on either side. At the same time, it may be beneficial to reflect on your own life and current relationships. Often, feelings that arise outside our primary relationship can signal needs or emotions that might require attention within our existing commitments.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

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Hi ma’am, I am a 27 year old girl. My father is a very strict person. Since childhood I have tolerated many things like I was not allowed to make friends(not even girls, forgot about boys). When I was 12 years old I was told that I was not allowed to talk to boys, and if my father ever saw me doing so, he will kill me. So, I was not allowed to talk to any friend, forget about going out and other stuff. All I used to do is sit in my room and study,I was not allowed to go out to play, wasn’t allowed to watch tv, not even allowed to go and play with cousins. Even if there was a wedding in my family, i was not allowed to go out and enjoy. And this has continued till date. I am still not allowed to go out without my father’s permission. Although I live in Bengaluru and work in a big company with a high paying job. Even the salary I get is not mine. Because my father takes it from me and I can’t say no to him. I use to say to me that if I ever did anything which he thinks is wrong, he will kill me, or will not allow me to go to college and now he will not allow me to work. And now he want me to get married to someone of his choice because of caste system. But I have a boyfriend and I want to marry my him. But I can’t even tell this to my father, because once I tell him this, he will not allow me to leave the house ever again and he would get me married to next person he finds. I am very scared of him. I don’t want to get married to anyone but my boyfriend. What should I do? Should I run away and get married to my boyfriend. I don’t know what my father will do then. He is a very controlling person .
Ans: To start, consider small steps that allow you to establish a greater sense of independence. Setting aside a portion of your income in an account only you can access, even if done quietly, can help you prepare financially for the future you envision with your boyfriend. Gaining control over your finances can also give you a greater sense of autonomy, which is key for your emotional and practical well-being.

Considering your father’s intense reaction to any choices that don’t align with his, safety is a priority. Consulting with a therapist or a counselor could help you process the emotional impact of your experiences and, importantly, develop strategies for how to approach this situation. Speaking to a counselor may also help you find a safe way to discuss your relationship with your father and express your own wishes while understanding any resources that might be available to you if needed.

If, ultimately, you decide to move forward with your relationship and marriage independently of your father’s permission, preparing yourself for potential emotional fallout is essential. While it’s natural to hope for family acceptance, remember that creating your own happiness is equally important. Over time, if your father can see that you’re stable, happy, and independent, he may eventually respect your decision.

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

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Relationship
Hi mam, I am in a 14 year old relationship with a man, the relationship is quite healthy until now, but our families are not accepting for marriage. Since his parents are divorced and her elder sister to. Everyone in my family is against this marriage and not one person is supporting it, but we truly love each other. Even the boy does, and he is doing everything he can for a mutual acceptance. There is no divorce history in my family till date. So sometimes, even I get sceptical about taking this relationship forward as I understand the seriousness of marriage, but I also understand that there is attachment, love, commitment, duration, everything involved in this 14 year old relationship which will make it very hard to accept someone else in place of him, so basically, I want to marry the guy, but not his family I know that’s not possible, but then what should I do? Should I just take the step forward with total faith in the man, or should I marry somewhere else where everything is great, only love will be unsure. The man has connections with both his parents and there is no custody involved. In this case. He is in a good relationship with both the parents, although he lives with his mother and sister.
Ans: Fourteen years is a profound commitment, and the fact that both of you have nurtured such a bond reflects a solid foundation that’s not easy to find or replicate. The conflict seems to lie mainly in your family’s fears and cultural values around marriage and their concern about potential patterns in relationships. This is an understandable reaction from them, given the uniqueness of his family background compared to what they’ve experienced.

It’s natural for you to feel torn, especially since you value your family’s approval and understand the complexities that can arise in marriage. While family acceptance can provide a comforting support system, there are instances when it doesn’t fully align with one’s own heart. Marrying him would mean choosing to rely primarily on each other, despite family reservations, which could require extra resilience and patience as you move forward together. Since he has strong relationships with both parents, it may be reassuring that he has a healthy view of family, despite their past. This could suggest that he has personal maturity and the ability to build a stable, loving relationship with you.

At the same time, your family’s perspective doesn’t necessarily mean there’s any curse or pattern that would carry over into your marriage. The key to deciding might be to look at the qualities he brings to the relationship, how both of you handle challenges, and whether he brings stability, honesty, and emotional support. The longevity and health of your relationship are positive indicators, and if both of you have open communication about potential concerns—like how family dynamics might play a role in the future—you’ll likely be prepared to face those hurdles together.

You’re faced with a decision that balances taking a leap of faith with the potential for some family disappointment. If he is the partner with whom you see a fulfilling life, the choice to marry might ultimately come down to what feels right to you, independent of family fears. Love, trust, and understanding—especially those that withstand the test of time—are incredibly powerful foundations. So, if you believe in the strength of your bond and feel you could weather any storm together, choosing him could be a step toward building the kind of family you truly want, even if it’s unconventional by your family’s standards.

But if you’re still unsure, taking time to express all these feelings to him, to explore your shared values and long-term goals, and to be absolutely sure of the life you want to build can help reinforce whichever path feels right for you.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |398 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 07, 2024
Relationship
Maam In last question of mine you told me that im taking meaning out of a friendly casual conversation. I may be doing so but I tried to ignore that guy but he is still staring at me and roaming around my house. What does that mean.???? Im not seeking attention from him. He himself is giving intense looks and appearing from no where. Our kids are in same school so I cant avoid seeing him. Its just not possible but i try not to give him.attention but he coming in front of me for no reason. Giving me suggestions about my child when I have not even asked him.anything.
Ans: One possibility here could be that he genuinely believes he’s being friendly and is unaware that his actions might be coming across as intrusive. Some people aren’t as skilled at reading subtle social cues or may interpret polite responses as openness to further interaction. Another scenario could be that he’s misinterpreting a simple acquaintanceship as an invitation for more personal connection, especially if he hasn’t recognized your signals for wanting distance.

It’s also possible, especially if he’s trying to advise you about your child, that he’s viewing himself as helpful or knowledgeable—again, likely without realizing he’s crossing a line. If he’s repeatedly making intense eye contact or appearing at odd times, it may also reflect a need for attention or connection on his part, even if it’s unintentional.

If this behavior continues and your efforts to distance yourself subtly aren’t working, it might be time to consider setting a gentle but clear boundary. This can be done with nonverbal cues, like quickly redirecting your gaze or finding reasons to leave a situation as soon as he tries to initiate a conversation. However, if his presence continues to bother you, there’s no harm in being more direct. A polite but firm approach, like thanking him for his advice and mentioning that you’d prefer to handle things yourself, can send a message that you’re not looking for further involvement.

Your well-being and comfort come first, and your instincts are valid. If his behavior is persistent and truly uncomfortable, it may be best to acknowledge it internally and remind yourself that you’re under no obligation to respond or interact beyond what feels right for you.

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