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23 Year Old Earning 41k: How to Manage Finances?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 13, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 08, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 23 single and I earn 41k pm and I send 22k at my home to parents as a part of responsibility and keep 19k to myself in which i pay 6k as a rent and on an around i end with 1-2k around in the end of the month from the 19k and i have an SIP of 4000 per month, and have invested around 40k in stock market in equity, i lic of 1cr for which i pay 40k per year. Do give me advice for the financial management how should i get my financials strong and what steps should be taken for the same.

Ans: You have a monthly income of Rs. 41,000. You send Rs. 22,000 to your parents, which shows a strong sense of responsibility. After rent and expenses, you manage to save around Rs. 1,000 to Rs. 2,000 per month. You also have an SIP of Rs. 4,000 and an investment of Rs. 40,000 in equities. Additionally, you pay Rs. 40,000 annually for a LIC policy with a cover of Rs. 1 crore. Your financial journey has begun, but you need a strategy to strengthen it further.

Budgeting: The Foundation of Financial Management
Budgeting is key to managing your finances better. Since your current savings are limited, a strict budget can help you find areas where you can cut costs. For example, you could look into reducing discretionary spending like eating out or entertainment. Saving small amounts from these areas can gradually build up your emergency fund.

Track Your Expenses:
Keep a detailed record of your monthly spending. This helps you identify where you can cut back.

Prioritize Saving:
Even small amounts saved every month can grow over time. Aim to increase your savings by Rs. 500 to Rs. 1,000 per month.

Reevaluate Your Rent:
Consider looking for a more affordable place to live if possible. Saving on rent can significantly impact your budget.

Reviewing Your SIP and Equity Investments
You have wisely started investing in an SIP and equities at a young age. This habit can yield significant returns over time. However, it’s essential to ensure your SIP is aligned with your financial goals.

Increase SIP Gradually:
Try to increase your SIP contributions by Rs. 500 to Rs. 1,000 every year. This small step can make a big difference over time.

Diversify Your Equity Portfolio:
If your Rs. 40,000 investment in equities is concentrated in a few stocks, consider diversifying. Spreading your investment across different sectors reduces risk.

Consider Actively Managed Funds:
Actively managed funds can potentially outperform the market. This offers better growth prospects compared to index funds.

Insurance and Risk Management
You have a Rs. 1 crore LIC policy, which is a significant step towards securing your financial future. However, it’s essential to review the policy’s terms and its alignment with your overall financial plan.

Reevaluate Your LIC Policy:
Evaluate if the annual Rs. 40,000 premium fits your current financial capacity. Consider if the policy provides value beyond just life cover.

Consider Term Insurance:
Term insurance is usually more cost-effective than traditional LIC policies. It provides the same coverage at a lower cost, allowing you to invest the savings.

Health Insurance:
If you don’t have health insurance, consider getting a basic plan. Medical emergencies can drain your savings quickly.

Building an Emergency Fund
An emergency fund is a must-have for financial stability. It provides a safety net in case of unforeseen expenses or job loss. Aim to build a fund that covers at least three to six months of your expenses.

Start Small:
Begin by saving a portion of your Rs. 1,000 to Rs. 2,000 monthly surplus. Gradually increase this amount as your income grows.

Keep It Accessible:
Ensure the money is easily accessible, but separate from your regular savings. A dedicated savings account is ideal.

Future Planning: Goals and Investments
At 23, you have time on your side. It’s the right time to think about your long-term goals, like buying a house, further education, or retirement. Early planning can help you achieve these goals more comfortably.

Set Clear Financial Goals:
Define what you want to achieve in the next 5, 10, and 20 years. This will guide your investment choices.

Consider Retirement Planning:
Even though retirement seems far away, starting early ensures you have a comfortable nest egg. Consider starting a PPF or NPS account to begin this journey.

Invest in Skill Development:
Investing in your skills can lead to better job opportunities and higher income. This, in turn, strengthens your financial position.

Managing Debt Wisely
Currently, you have no mention of loans or credit card debt, which is positive. However, managing debt is crucial as you progress in your career and take on more responsibilities.

Avoid High-Interest Debt:
If you ever need to take a loan, avoid high-interest options like personal loans or credit card debt.

Use Credit Cards Responsibly:
If you use a credit card, pay the full balance each month to avoid interest charges.

Regular Review and Adjustment
Your financial plan should not be static. As your income increases or life circumstances change, revisit your budget, investments, and goals.

Annual Review:
Make it a habit to review your financial plan every year. Adjust your SIPs, budget, and goals based on your current situation.

Stay Informed:
Keep yourself updated on financial products and market trends. This knowledge helps you make informed decisions.

Finally
Strengthening your financials at this stage is a wise decision. By budgeting, saving, and investing thoughtfully, you can build a strong financial foundation. With time and discipline, you’ll be well on your way to achieving your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 14, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi sir, i am 28 year old, working in MNC with just salary of 50,000. I have savings of about 4 lakh. Please suggest me how should i manage by finance. My monthly expense is 15k and 10k i send at home.
Ans: I understand you're looking to manage your finances better. You're 28, working in an MNC, with a salary of Rs 50,000. You have Rs 4 lakhs in savings. Your monthly expenses are Rs 15,000, and you send Rs 10,000 home. Let's work together to create a solid financial plan for you.

Monthly Budget Analysis
First, let's break down your monthly income and expenses:

Monthly Income: Rs 50,000
Monthly Expenses: Rs 15,000
Amount Sent Home: Rs 10,000
This leaves you with Rs 25,000 every month. You have been managing your expenses well. Let's see how we can make the most of your savings and surplus income.

Building an Emergency Fund
An emergency fund is essential. It covers unexpected expenses like medical emergencies or job loss. Aim to save at least 3-6 months of your expenses.

Monthly Expenses + Amount Sent Home: Rs 25,000
Emergency Fund Target: Rs 75,000 - Rs 1,50,000
Since you already have Rs 4 lakhs in savings, allocate Rs 1 lakh for your emergency fund. Keep this money in a liquid fund or a high-interest savings account for easy access.

Managing and Growing Your Savings
With Rs 3 lakhs left after setting aside your emergency fund, let's look at some options for growing your savings. Diversifying your investments can help in achieving your financial goals.

Fixed Deposits and Recurring Deposits
Fixed Deposits (FDs) and Recurring Deposits (RDs) are safe investment options with fixed returns. They are ideal for short-term goals.

FD: Invest Rs 1 lakh in a fixed deposit for a tenure of 1-2 years. This ensures safety and liquidity.
RD: Start a recurring deposit with Rs 5,000 per month. It helps in disciplined saving and earns decent interest.
Mutual Funds
Mutual funds offer higher returns than traditional savings options. Consider a mix of equity and debt mutual funds for balanced growth and stability.

Equity Mutual Funds: Allocate Rs 1 lakh to equity mutual funds for long-term growth. Choose funds with a good track record.
Debt Mutual Funds: Invest Rs 50,000 in debt mutual funds for short to medium-term goals. They are less risky than equity funds.
Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
SIPs are a great way to invest regularly in mutual funds. They average out market volatility and build wealth over time.

SIP Allocation: Start a SIP of Rs 5,000 per month in a balanced mutual fund. This ensures consistent investment and capital appreciation.
Insurance: Protecting Your Finances
Having adequate insurance is crucial to protect against unforeseen events. Ensure you have both health and life insurance.

Health Insurance
Health insurance covers medical expenses, reducing financial strain during health emergencies.

Coverage Amount: Opt for a health insurance policy with a coverage of Rs 5 lakhs. It provides a good safety net.
Family Coverage: If possible, include your parents in the policy. This ensures they are also covered in case of medical emergencies.
Life Insurance
Life insurance secures your family's financial future in case of your untimely demise.

Term Insurance: Choose a term insurance policy with coverage of Rs 50 lakhs. Term insurance is affordable and provides high coverage.
Avoid ULIPs: Avoid Unit Linked Insurance Plans (ULIPs) as they mix investment and insurance, often leading to higher costs and lower returns.
Tax Planning: Maximizing Your Savings
Effective tax planning helps in maximizing your savings and investments. Utilize available tax deductions and exemptions.

Section 80C Deductions
Investments under Section 80C help in reducing taxable income. The maximum limit is Rs 1.5 lakhs.

Public Provident Fund (PPF): Invest Rs 50,000 in PPF. It offers tax-free returns and long-term growth.
ELSS Funds: Allocate Rs 50,000 in Equity Linked Savings Scheme (ELSS) mutual funds. They provide tax benefits and potential high returns.
Employee Provident Fund (EPF): Your EPF contributions are also eligible for Section 80C deductions. Ensure to check your EPF balance and contributions.
Health Insurance Premiums
Premiums paid for health insurance are eligible for tax deductions under Section 80D.

Self and Family: Claim up to Rs 25,000 for premiums paid for yourself, spouse, and children.
Parents: If you pay for your parents' health insurance, claim an additional Rs 25,000. If they are senior citizens, this limit increases to Rs 50,000.
Financial Goals and Planning
Identify and prioritize your financial goals. This helps in creating a focused and efficient investment plan.

Short-Term Goals
Short-term goals are those you aim to achieve within 1-3 years.

Emergency Fund: As discussed, ensure your emergency fund is well-maintained.
Travel Fund: If you plan to travel, start a dedicated fund. Allocate a part of your savings for this goal.
Medium-Term Goals
Medium-term goals are those you plan to achieve within 3-5 years.

Higher Education: If you plan to pursue higher education, start saving now. Consider education loans if needed.
Buying a Vehicle: If you intend to buy a car or bike, start a dedicated fund. Allocate Rs 1 lakh towards this goal.
Long-Term Goals
Long-term goals are those you plan to achieve in 5+ years.

Retirement Planning: Start saving for retirement early. The power of compounding works best over long periods.
House Purchase: If you plan to buy a house, start saving for the down payment. Allocate Rs 1 lakh towards this goal.
Monitoring and Reviewing Your Financial Plan
Regularly review your financial plan to ensure it stays aligned with your goals. Adjust your investments based on changes in your income, expenses, and financial goals.

Monthly Budget Review
Track your income and expenses every month. Ensure you are sticking to your budget and making necessary adjustments.

Investment Portfolio Review
Review your investment portfolio every six months. Assess the performance of your investments and make changes if needed.

Insurance Policy Review
Review your insurance policies annually. Ensure your coverage is adequate and update your policies as required.

Seeking Professional Advice
Consulting a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide valuable insights and personalized advice. A CFP can help you create a comprehensive financial plan tailored to your needs and goals.

Benefits of Consulting a CFP
Customized Advice: Get advice that matches your unique financial situation and goals.
Holistic Planning: A CFP considers all aspects of your finances, ensuring a well-rounded plan.
Expert Guidance: With their expertise, CFPs help you make informed decisions, optimizing your financial planning.
Final Insights
Managing your finances effectively involves careful planning and disciplined execution. By building an emergency fund, growing your savings through diversified investments, ensuring adequate insurance coverage, and maximizing tax savings, you can achieve financial stability and growth.

Regularly review and adjust your financial plan to stay aligned with your goals. Seek professional advice if needed to ensure your financial strategy is robust and efficient. With these steps, you can secure your financial future and achieve your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7758 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 06, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 27, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi I am 29 years old unmarried, earning 90 per month(77 in hand), fixed expense 20k per month. I have sip 25000 per month,I don't have any loans as of now. I have fd of 9.5 lakh,2 lakhs in savings and 4 lakhs lended to someone, mutual fund investment of 12.5 lakhs(including profit) and stock portfolio of 7 lakhs(including profit) ,I have 1 lakh in PPF and 3 lakhs in PF as well.Kindly suggest how can i manage my finance to reach a amount of 1 cr till I am 45 years old. Mutual funds I am investing are- 1- quant else tax saver 2- parag parekh flexi cap 3- HDFC midcap opportunities direct 4- ICICI prudential Bharat 22 ETF 5- quant absolute direct growth 6 - SBI small cap(1k) 7- Quant small cap (2k)
Ans: You’re doing great at 29 with your savings and investments! Let’s see how you can achieve your goal of Rs. 1 crore by the age of 45.

Current Financial Overview
You have a monthly income of Rs. 90,000 and take home Rs. 77,000. Your fixed expenses are Rs. 20,000 per month. Your investments include:

Rs. 9.5 lakhs in Fixed Deposits
Rs. 2 lakhs in Savings
Rs. 4 lakhs lent to someone
Rs. 12.5 lakhs in Mutual Funds
Rs. 7 lakhs in Stocks
Rs. 1 lakh in PPF
Rs. 3 lakhs in PF
You also have a monthly SIP of Rs. 25,000. Your mutual fund investments include a mix of tax saver, flexi cap, midcap, ETF, and small cap funds.

Goals and Planning
Setting a Clear Target
You aim to reach Rs. 1 crore by 45. That’s 16 years from now. Your current investments are well-placed. Now, let’s strategize to ensure you meet your goal.

Investment Strategy
Increase SIP Contribution
Currently, you’re investing Rs. 25,000 per month in SIPs. This is excellent. But increasing your SIP gradually will help you reach your goal faster. Consider increasing your SIP by 10% each year. This will leverage the power of compounding.

For instance, if you start with a SIP of Rs. 25,000 and increase it by 10% annually, it will significantly boost your corpus over the years. The power of compounding means your returns will generate more returns, accelerating your wealth growth.

Review and Optimize Portfolio
Your mutual funds include a good mix. However, it's important to review your portfolio annually. Check the performance of each fund. If any fund underperforms for more than 3 years, consider switching.

Emergency Fund
Maintain Liquidity
Keep 6 months of expenses as an emergency fund. You have Rs. 2 lakhs in savings, which is good. Ensure this fund is easily accessible. You can use a combination of savings accounts and liquid funds. This ensures you have funds available for unexpected expenses without having to liquidate your investments.

Fixed Deposits and Debt Investments
Utilize Fixed Deposits Wisely
You have Rs. 9.5 lakhs in FDs. FDs are low-risk but offer lower returns. Consider using part of this amount to increase your SIPs or invest in higher-return options like debt funds.

Debt funds can offer better returns than FDs while still being relatively low-risk. They invest in bonds and other fixed-income securities, providing a balance of safety and returns.

Stock Investments
Diversify and Monitor
You have Rs. 7 lakhs in stocks. Stock investments are high-risk, high-return. Ensure you diversify across different sectors. Regularly monitor and review your stock portfolio. Avoid putting all eggs in one basket.

Diversification reduces risk. If one sector underperforms, others may perform well, balancing your overall returns. Regular monitoring helps you stay updated on market trends and make timely adjustments.

PPF and PF Contributions
Long-Term Stability
You have Rs. 1 lakh in PPF and Rs. 3 lakhs in PF. These are great for long-term stability and tax benefits. Continue contributing to these regularly. PPF matures in 15 years, aligning well with your goal.

PPF and PF provide guaranteed returns and tax benefits. They are excellent for long-term financial security and should be a core part of your investment strategy.

Lending and Recovering Funds
Ensure Safety
You have Rs. 4 lakhs lent to someone. Make sure to recover this amount in time. Consider the safety and reliability of the borrower. Use this money to invest further once recovered.

Lending money can be risky. Ensure you have proper agreements in place and track repayment. Once recovered, reinvest it to generate returns.

Additional Investments and Insurance
Health and Life Insurance
Ensure you have adequate health insurance. Life insurance is crucial too, especially once you have dependents. Consider term insurance for adequate coverage.

Adequate insurance protects you and your family from financial distress in case of medical emergencies or untimely demise. Term insurance is cost-effective and provides substantial coverage.

Building Retirement Corpus and Child Education Fund
Power of Compounding
Mutual funds are excellent for building a retirement corpus. The power of compounding works wonders over long periods. Start early, invest regularly, and stay invested. This helps in growing wealth significantly.

Mutual funds, especially equity funds, have the potential for high returns over the long term. Compounding means you earn returns on your returns, exponentially growing your wealth.

Mutual Funds vs. Direct Stocks
Mutual funds offer diversification, professional management, and lower risk compared to direct stocks. They are suitable for investors who prefer a hands-off approach. Direct stocks require active management and market knowledge. Mutual funds are more consistent for long-term goals.

Direct stocks can provide high returns but require market knowledge and time to manage. Mutual funds, managed by professionals, offer diversification and consistent returns, making them suitable for most investors.

Regular Review and Adjustment
Annual Review
Review your financial plan annually. Adjust SIPs, check fund performance, and rebalance your portfolio. Stay informed about market trends and economic changes. Adjust your strategy as needed.

Regular reviews ensure your investments are aligned with your goals. Rebalancing helps maintain the desired asset allocation, reducing risk and optimizing returns.

Advantages of Mutual Funds
Professional Management
Mutual funds are managed by experienced fund managers who make informed investment decisions. This professional expertise can lead to better returns compared to individual stock investments.

Diversification
Mutual funds invest in a variety of securities, spreading risk. Diversification reduces the impact of poor performance by any single investment.

Systematic Investment
Mutual funds allow systematic investment plans (SIPs), enabling disciplined investing. SIPs help in averaging the cost of investments and reduce market timing risk.

Liquidity
Mutual funds offer high liquidity. You can redeem your investments anytime, providing flexibility in managing your funds.

Tax Efficiency
Equity mutual funds are tax-efficient, offering benefits like long-term capital gains tax exemption up to a certain limit. ELSS funds provide tax deductions under Section 80C.

Final Insights
Planning your finances to achieve Rs. 1 crore by 45 is attainable with disciplined investing and regular reviews. Ensure you maintain a diversified portfolio, leverage the power of compounding, and keep your goals in focus. Stay consistent with your investments, and increase contributions gradually. Remember, financial planning is a dynamic process. Regular reviews and adjustments are key to staying on track. Your current financial habits are commendable, and with these strategies, you’re well on your way to achieving your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |955 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 01, 2025Hindi
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Money
I am a 48 year old widow. I have a 21 yr old daughter in college. I had quit my job, but rejoined now and have a monthly take home of 1L 15k. I receive similar pension amount too. But this pension amount will get reduced to 90k after 10 years. I have an own property (apartment bought in 2010) - 14 k rent monthly. I have around 40 L that I wish to invest. I am still coping with the loss and am confused as to what I need to do to get a grip on the finances. I have invested around 12 L in mutual funds. I have applied for a term insurance - around 1 L annual premium for 10 years. I am also repaying the home loan around 15k per month with tenure left for 20 months. I am planning to move out on my own from my sister's place where I am staying now (my own house is not in Bangalore where I work). So, I will definitely need 25k per month for rent if I move out. Please advise on how to manage my finances. Shall I repay the home loan and clear the debt (around 5 L principal outstanding)? Should I invest in some pension plans? Please advise. Thanks!
Ans: Hello;

Yes you should settle off the outstanding home loan.

Also you may open an NPS account for retirement planning. Do contribute to it on a regular basis and also do onetime lumpsum investment.

Also open an PPF account with investment of 12.5 K per month.

Get sufficient term plan coverage for atleast 20 years and not less.

No need to invest in pension plan if you are investing in NPS. It is far superior in terms of tax liability, flexibility, returns and costs.

Prefer hybrid mutual funds(dynamic asset allocation or multi asset allocation fund)for your investments.

Buy a good health insurance cover for yourself and your daughter irrespective of group policy, if any, available from employer.

Do nomination in all your financial investments and also make a legally valid will.

In a nutshell, you will have 3 investments PPF, NPS and mutual funds (hybrid) and insurance premiums for term cover and healthcare policy.

Loss of partner is very difficult to deal with but you also need to focus on the education of your daughter and guide her for better prospects.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 07, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 31, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am 41, but single now. I got married when I was 32 and got divorced in 6 months after I found out my wife was cheating on me with her ex who she was forbidden from getting married. When confronted she simply walked away and sent me a divorce notice. The next three years were spent in courts trying to tell my version of the story. Since then I have had a tough time trusting people. My marriage was unfortunate and short lived. But my parents still want me to try again. I am in a live-in relationship with a girl who is 3 years elder to me. Are unmarried couples happier than married ones? I feel marriage can restrict you in many ways which is why people feel stagnated and bored. What do you think?
Ans: When it comes to happiness, it really depends on the individuals involved rather than whether they are married or unmarried. Some couples thrive in a marriage because they see it as a partnership built on mutual respect and emotional security. Others feel stifled by the societal expectations and responsibilities that often come with marriage. A live-in relationship can offer more flexibility and personal freedom, but it also comes with its own challenges—such as a lack of legal protections or social acceptance in certain cultures.

The key is understanding what works best for you. If you feel content in your current live-in relationship and it gives you the companionship, trust, and emotional fulfillment you need, then that’s what truly matters. However, if you feel hesitant mainly because of past trauma rather than your actual desires, it might be worth reflecting on whether your fears are holding you back from something you may actually want deep down.

At the end of the day, happiness isn’t about being married or unmarried—it’s about being in a relationship (or choosing to be single) that makes you feel emotionally secure, valued, and free to be yourself. If marriage feels like a cage to you, then it may not be the right path. But if you ever find a connection that makes commitment feel like a choice rather than an obligation, your perspective might shift. The most important thing is that whatever path you choose, it aligns with your true needs and not just the expectations of others.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 23, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
Hello there!! There are past trauma experiences in my relationship due to caste issue since my family are strictly against it . But I eventually liked another boy seeing his true love n affection n care towards me , he loved me since our skl days !! He expressed himself but i gave him my answerr after many yrs due my past experiences!! But eventually we had a healthy relationship ,and he told me he is of same caste!! Since his father lied to him related to this to keep him away from this caste called thing!! But now his father relved tht it was a lie !! Now we ended up intercaste!! We truly love each other we dreamt of our future together!! He became huge part of my life !! His family is okay with me regarding our marriage but my family is strongly opposed to this intercaste thing!! We are 24 yrs we thought of settle in our lifes and approach my parents few years back since untill fewdays back we together thought we are of same caste so there eill be no issue!! But now within few days n few lies our both world n hopes turned upside down!! I cant make my family suffer due to me!! At same time i cant leave him im struck !! What should we do!!
Ans: Your family’s suffering is a valid concern, but will they truly suffer because of your decision, or is it more about their expectations and societal norms? Often, parents react strongly at first, but with time, they adjust when they see their child happy and settled. Right now, their resistance is based on tradition and belief systems they’ve held for years. But is their love for you truly conditional on whom you marry? Would they rather see you unhappy in a marriage they approve of than happy in one they initially resisted?

Your happiness and future matter just as much as your family’s feelings. If you truly cannot see a life without him, you need to ask yourself whether sacrificing that love for family approval will truly bring you peace. Walking away from love to please others often leads to lifelong regret. On the other hand, if you fight for your relationship, you might face pain now, but there’s a chance your family will eventually come around.

The most important thing is to stand firm in what you want. If you and your partner truly love each other, you will need patience, strength, and a strategy to gradually help your family accept your choice. This won’t be easy, but living a life where you constantly wonder "what if?" will be even harder.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 19, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
I am a divorced working woman , with a daughter 8 yrs. I have been pursued for remarriage with a guy who is 10 yrs older to me and have 2 kids. 11 and 14 yrs respectively living in a small town. Initially it was agreed the elder child who is a boy would be living in hostel , but now since we are approaching near to the marriage, it seems the elder male child is going to stay at home and not hostel. This is making me really uncomfortable as I won't get much privacy also the male child is aggressive.Already handling one kid was difficult before. Also moving to small town was difficult transition from a metropolitan that I stay in. Moving there could mean losing job opportunities in future. I am really worried if I let this match go, I end up alone again. I am not able to make a decision, it's difficult to raise others children. It's just not naturally inbuilt in us.Although I try really hard to mould my thingking and be more generous, but somehow it suffocates me.
Ans: Raising someone else’s children is not something that comes naturally to everyone, and that doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you honest. You already know how challenging it is to raise one child, and now you’re expected to step into a role where you’ll be managing more, including an aggressive teenage boy. If this idea is already suffocating you now, imagine how it might feel once you’re actually living in that environment every day.

Fear of being alone is a very real and valid concern, but being in a marriage that drains you emotionally, limits your career, and makes you feel trapped is far worse than being single. The right relationship should bring you a sense of peace and security, not anxiety and sacrifice at every turn. If you already feel that you have to “mould” your thinking just to make this work, that’s a sign that this situation might not be aligned with what you truly want and need.

You don’t have to force yourself into something that doesn’t feel right just because you’re afraid of ending up alone. Loneliness is difficult, but so is being in a marriage where you feel unseen, unheard, and overwhelmed. The best decision is the one that allows you to live with peace and confidence in your future.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Listen
Relationship
Married for 14 years have 4 kids below 7 age for the past 9 to 10 years going through troubled marriage, not happy. Misunderstanding, high expectations, manipulation and single handed decisions by my wife have exhausted me . Want to come out of marriage but worried of kids and also my wife says no to divorce. Don't know what to do.. First 2 kids by IVF 2nd two kids due to my wife's longing for male child
Ans: Dear Hemant,
Your love for your kids is evident, and it’s natural to fear how a separation would affect them. But the reality is, children pick up on tension, conflict, and unhappiness at home. Staying in a marriage that drains you emotionally and mentally isn’t necessarily better for them in the long run. Kids need a stable, loving environment, and if you’re constantly feeling manipulated and exhausted, it affects the energy you bring into their lives.

You don’t have to make a rushed decision, but you do need clarity. Have you tried setting firm boundaries and communicating your need for a more balanced relationship? If you’ve already done everything you can and nothing has changed, then it may be time to explore legal options, even if she says no to divorce. In most cases, a divorce doesn’t require both partners to agree—it just makes the process more complicated.

You deserve a life where you feel respected, valued, and emotionally free. Your children deserve a father who is at peace, not one who is silently suffering. It might be hard to take the next step, but staying in an unhappy marriage just for the sake of avoiding conflict can take a greater toll on everyone involved. You need to consider what will truly allow you—and your kids—to have a healthier and happier future.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |519 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 02, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 13, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Hi Mam, I would like to stay anonymous. Im 27F, recently got engaged and my wedding is in 5 months from now. This match is arranged by my parents within our community. Initially things went well, but after the engagement when we went outside for dinner he was speaking well but before leaving he said this is a suggestion from my end and told that there is slight space between my two teeth in the front and while smiling it creates black image in the photos. So it would be best if i would use invisible aligners so that before wedding it would be fixed adding to this he said he will take care of the expenses and he said he had this thought for a week so its better to disclose it with me. He also said that he didn't tell this to his parents he wanted to check my thoughts on this first, also he said he wanted myself to look very very pretty on the wedding and his relatives should say "Wow, we have never seen such a pretty bride", also he commented about my hair being short actually its medium length but i like to keep my hair short. I really got frustrated when he said all those things this got me very irritated. I didn't speak much, i said i wanted to leave and he dropped me at my place. The next day i asked him if we can meet again to get clarification on this thing, when i asked him the next day about this he said "its just a suggestion if you can take it its fine or you can leave it its upto you". He never accepted that he hurted me or made a wrong statement he kept on saying he didn't mean that way i took it very personally and im creating unnecessary ruckus. at last he said i could have said things differently but he didn't ask for sorry at all. I thought he wont talk about my features again but then after a week he again asked me you were eating outside food for a week you should have gained weight(trying to be funny here), i said no. Because him and his mother already asked about my weight like "why are you so thin? you could have put up some weight know"? I have been in this weight for many years, how much ever i eat my weight remains the same its because of the genetics. But people dont understand this and easily ask some body shaming questions. After this event he is not talking like before and even i dont push him, one of my friend asked me to take initiative and make calls to stop this awkward situation and i took lead called him four times in a week he spoke but he didn't bothered to call me again he was only texting after that too im okay with that but still i feel he might ask me to make changes in my feature, weight etc before the wedding. Im not sure how to deal with this.
Ans: When someone loves and accepts you, they don’t focus on “fixing” things about you to meet external standards, whether it’s for wedding photos or to impress relatives. His insistence that you should look “very, very pretty” for others’ approval shows that his priorities might not align with yours. You weren’t looking for a makeover; you were looking for a life partner who values you for who you are.

His response when you tried to talk about it also speaks volumes. Instead of acknowledging your feelings and reassuring you, he dismissed your concerns, making it seem like you were overreacting. A partner who truly cares would have listened, understood why you felt hurt, and taken responsibility for how his words affected you. Instead, he shifted the blame onto you for "creating unnecessary ruckus," which shows a lack of emotional maturity.

The weight comments, too, are unnecessary and inconsiderate. Genetics determine body type, and no one should feel the need to change themselves to meet someone else’s expectations. His family’s remarks about your weight, combined with his attitude, suggest that this won’t stop after the wedding. If they’re already making you feel self-conscious now, imagine the expectations and unsolicited “suggestions” that might continue in the future.

The distance that has formed between you both after this conversation isn’t just about awkwardness—it’s about emotional disconnection. A strong relationship is built on respect, comfort, and mutual appreciation, not on one person feeling judged and the other acting indifferent. The fact that you had to take the lead in calling him multiple times, while he didn’t reciprocate the effort, says a lot. A healthy relationship should feel mutual, not one-sided.

Right now, you need to ask yourself: Can you truly be yourself in this relationship, or will you constantly feel pressured to meet his and his family’s expectations? Do you feel emotionally safe with him, or do you feel like you have to defend your choices, your body, and your appearance?

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and your peace of mind matters. If his attitude is already making you question yourself and feel frustrated, you have every right to reconsider. You don’t need to “deal” with this by adjusting to his expectations—you need to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to spend your life in.

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