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23 year old making 45k. Home loan. How to save for future?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 21, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 10, 2024Hindi
Money

Hi I am 23 year old. I am earning 45k per month. I have 13 lakhs home loan for 25 year and 24 year left ( 11k EMI). I have small-small financial goal for kids and retirement. First is 25k, 50k and 1 lakh per month pension.

Ans: Assessing Your Current Financial Situation
At 23, you have already taken significant steps towards your financial goals. Managing a Rs 13 lakh home loan with an Rs 11,000 EMI shows that you are disciplined and responsible. Your monthly income of Rs 45,000 provides a solid base to build on. Let’s examine how you can work towards your future financial goals, including securing a pension of Rs 25,000, Rs 50,000, and Rs 1 lakh per month.

Understanding Your Financial Goals
Your goals are both realistic and achievable with the right strategy. Securing a comfortable pension is crucial for a stress-free retirement. It is wise to start planning early, as you are already doing. Let’s break down your goals:

Rs 25,000 per month pension: This could be your first milestone in achieving financial independence.

Rs 50,000 per month pension: This target will ensure a comfortable lifestyle, covering most of your needs.

Rs 1 lakh per month pension: This amount will allow you to live without financial stress, supporting a higher standard of living.

Building a Strong Foundation
Before focusing on your long-term goals, it’s essential to establish a solid financial foundation. This involves managing your debt, setting up an emergency fund, and ensuring proper insurance coverage.

1. Managing Your Home Loan
With 24 years remaining on your home loan, the interest paid over time will be substantial. Consider making extra payments towards the principal whenever possible.

Increasing your EMI or making lump-sum payments can significantly reduce the loan tenure and interest burden.

Balance paying off your loan with your investment goals. Don’t sacrifice long-term savings for short-term debt reduction.

2. Establishing an Emergency Fund
An emergency fund is crucial to cover unexpected expenses like medical emergencies, job loss, or home repairs.

Aim to save at least 6 to 12 months’ worth of living expenses in a liquid fund or a savings account.

This fund should be easily accessible but kept separate from your daily spending money.

3. Securing Insurance Coverage
Ensure you have adequate health and life insurance coverage. These are essential to protect your family and assets.

Term insurance is a cost-effective way to secure a substantial life cover, which is crucial, especially with a home loan.

Health insurance protects your savings from unexpected medical expenses.

Strategic Investment Planning
To achieve your pension goals, you need a strategic investment plan. This will involve diversifying your investments, focusing on long-term growth, and regularly reviewing your progress.

1. Investing for Long-Term Growth
Start by investing in a mix of equity and debt mutual funds. Equity funds offer higher returns over the long term but come with higher risk.

Debt funds or fixed-income instruments provide stability and lower risk, balancing your portfolio.

Avoid relying solely on direct funds. While they have lower costs, you might miss professional guidance. Regular plans through a Certified Financial Planner ensure you get expert advice.

2. Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Begin a SIP with a portion of your monthly income. Start with an amount you are comfortable with and gradually increase it as your income grows.

SIPs help in disciplined investing and averaging out the cost of investment over time.

Regularly review and adjust your SIPs to align with your changing financial goals.

3. Gold as a Hedge
Consider allocating a small portion of your investment to gold. Gold acts as a hedge against inflation and currency fluctuations.

Gold bonds or gold ETFs are better options than physical gold, offering safety and returns without storage concerns.

Planning for Specific Financial Goals
You mentioned having small financial goals for your kids and retirement. Let’s outline a plan for these:

1. Children’s Education Fund
Start saving for your children’s education as early as possible. Education costs are rising, and a dedicated fund will ensure you are prepared.

Invest in child-specific mutual funds or set aside a portion of your savings in a separate account.

Consider Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana if you have a daughter. It offers good returns and tax benefits.

2. Retirement Fund
Your retirement goal includes a pension of Rs 25,000, Rs 50,000, and Rs 1 lakh per month. Start by estimating the corpus required for each pension target.

Invest in a mix of equity and debt funds to build your retirement corpus. Equity funds offer growth, while debt funds provide stability.

Use a Certified Financial Planner to create a retirement plan that includes inflation-adjusted returns.

3. Long-Term Wealth Creation
Beyond your immediate goals, focus on creating long-term wealth. This includes investing in assets that grow over time, such as mutual funds and stocks.

Avoid investing in index funds as they often underperform in emerging markets like India. Actively managed funds can offer better returns with professional management.

Reinvest dividends and interest earned to maximize your wealth creation potential.

Tax Planning and Optimization
Tax planning is an essential part of your financial strategy. By optimizing your tax liabilities, you can increase your savings and investments.

1. Tax-Saving Investments
Invest in tax-saving instruments like ELSS mutual funds, PPF, and NPS. These not only save tax but also provide long-term growth.

ELSS funds have a lock-in period of 3 years and offer the dual benefit of tax saving and equity exposure.

PPF is a safe option with tax benefits but comes with a 15-year lock-in period.

2. Tax-Efficient Withdrawal Strategy
Plan a tax-efficient withdrawal strategy for your retirement corpus. Withdraw from investments in a way that minimizes tax liability.

Consult with a Certified Financial Planner to create a withdrawal plan that aligns with your pension goals and tax considerations.

Regular Monitoring and Adjustments
Achieving your financial goals requires regular monitoring and adjustments. Life circumstances and financial markets change, and your plan should be flexible enough to adapt.

1. Regular Portfolio Review
Review your portfolio every six months. Assess the performance of your investments and make adjustments if necessary.

Rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation. This might involve selling some assets and buying others.

Use professional guidance to ensure your investments remain aligned with your goals.

2. Adjusting for Life Changes
Major life events, like marriage, children, or career changes, might require adjustments to your financial plan.

Reassess your goals and strategy whenever such events occur. This ensures you stay on track to meet your long-term objectives.

Keep your Certified Financial Planner informed of any significant changes to get tailored advice.

Finally
At 23, you have ample time to build a secure financial future. By following a disciplined approach to saving, investing, and planning, you can achieve your goals of a comfortable pension and financial security for your family. Regularly review your plan and make adjustments as needed, and always seek professional guidance to stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
Asked on - Aug 21, 2024 | Answered on Aug 24, 2024
Listen
Thanks for your response. Could you please suggest where and how much investment to get my goal?
Ans: I appreciate your trust in my guidance. However, the best funds for you will depend on your specific goals, risk tolerance, and time horizon. I highly recommend consulting with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). A CFP can provide customized suggestions tailored to your unique financial situation and future goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 27, 2024

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Hi Expert, I am 39 Years Old and single Earning in family and earn 1 lakh per month. Home Loan 23 lakh ans NPS is 5200 pm and Term plan 1 cr already running. Please suggest some retirement and higher education for child, daughter and son 7 years.
Ans: You are 39 years old, the sole earner in your family, and earn Rs 1 lakh per month. You have a home loan of Rs 23 lakhs and contribute Rs 5200 per month to the NPS. You also have a term plan of Rs 1 crore. Your primary financial goals are planning for retirement and your children’s higher education.

Setting Financial Goals
Retirement Planning: Ensure a comfortable retirement with adequate savings.

Children’s Education: Save for your daughter and son’s higher education.

Monthly Savings and Investments
You need to allocate a portion of your income to systematic savings and investments to meet these goals.

Assessing Current Commitments
Home Loan: You have a home loan of Rs 23 lakhs. Ensure timely EMI payments to manage this debt efficiently.

NPS Contribution: You are already contributing to the NPS, which will aid in your retirement planning.

Retirement Planning
Diversified Retirement Portfolio
Equity Mutual Funds: Allocate a portion of your savings to equity mutual funds. These funds provide high returns over the long term, helping you build a substantial corpus.

Debt Mutual Funds: These funds provide stability and lower risk, balancing your portfolio.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Regular SIPs: Start a SIP in equity mutual funds to build wealth systematically. This approach benefits from rupee cost averaging and compounding.

Increase SIP Amount Annually: Increase your SIP contributions by 5-10% annually to match inflation and income growth.

National Pension System (NPS)
Continue NPS Contributions: The NPS is a good tool for retirement savings. Continue your monthly contributions of Rs 5200.

Review NPS Allocation: Ensure your NPS investments are well-diversified between equity, corporate bonds, and government securities.

Children’s Education Planning
Education Savings Plans
Dedicated Education Funds: Invest in plans specifically designed for children’s education. These plans help build a dedicated corpus for your children’s future needs.

Balanced Portfolio: A mix of equity and debt funds can provide growth and stability for education planning.

Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (for daughters)
Sukanya Samriddhi Account: If you have a daughter, consider investing in this scheme. It offers attractive interest rates and tax benefits.
Calculating Required Corpus
Estimate Education Costs
Higher Education Costs: Estimate the future costs of higher education for both children. This will help in determining the amount you need to save.

Regular Contributions: Make regular contributions to education savings plans to accumulate the required corpus.

Risk Management
Insurance Coverage
Term Insurance: You already have a term insurance plan of Rs 1 crore. Ensure it is adequate to cover your family’s needs in case of unforeseen events.
Emergency Fund
Maintain Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of expenses. This fund will provide financial security during emergencies.
Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Professional Management
Expertise: Actively managed funds benefit from the expertise of professional fund managers who make informed investment decisions.

Market Opportunities: Fund managers can exploit market opportunities to achieve higher returns.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Limited Returns: Index funds only aim to match the market returns, not outperform it.

Lack of Flexibility: They lack the flexibility to react quickly to market changes.

Direct Funds vs Regular Funds
Disadvantages of Direct Funds
No Guidance: Direct funds do not offer professional guidance, which is crucial for optimal investment decisions.

Time-Consuming: Managing direct investments can be complex and time-consuming without expert help.

Benefits of Regular Funds via MFD with CFP Credential
Expert Advice: Regular funds provide access to certified financial planners who can offer tailored advice.

Better Performance: Professional management often results in better performance compared to self-managed direct funds.

Comprehensive Planning: Investing through a CFP ensures a holistic approach to financial planning.

Achieving Your Financial Goals
Regular Savings
Discipline: Regular savings and disciplined investments are key to achieving your financial goals.

Review and Adjust: Regularly review your portfolio and adjust based on performance and changing goals.

Increasing Contributions
Annual Increases: Increase your investment contributions by 5-10% annually to keep pace with income growth and inflation.
Professional Guidance
Consult a CFP: Regular consultations with a Certified Financial Planner will help you stay on track and make necessary adjustments.
Final Thoughts
Your financial planning is crucial for a secure future for yourself and your children. By following a disciplined investment strategy and seeking professional advice, you can achieve your retirement and education goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 08, 2024

Money
My age is 38 male married and have one son age 7 years, earning 1.7 lac per month. 7 lacs in mutual fund, 25 lacs in PF, 7 lacs in NPS, real estate is 45 lacs and 7 lakh cash In hand . Help me to achieve three goals 1)I need to buy one 2 bhk (~80 lakhs) flat down payment amount adjustment immediately. 2) my kids education atleast 30 lakhs 3) Retire at the age of 53 with how much curpus I should build to get monthly income of 2 lakhs
Ans: At 38 years old, you are in a strong financial position. Earning Rs. 1.7 lakhs per month provides a solid income base. You’ve accumulated Rs. 7 lakhs in mutual funds, Rs. 25 lakhs in PF, Rs. 7 lakhs in NPS, and Rs. 7 lakhs in cash. Additionally, you own real estate valued at Rs. 45 lakhs. These assets give you a good starting point for your financial goals. However, achieving your objectives requires careful planning and strategy.

Goal 1: Down Payment for a 2BHK Flat

You plan to purchase a 2BHK flat priced at approximately Rs. 80 lakhs. The immediate challenge is arranging the down payment.

Down Payment Requirement: Typically, the down payment is around 20% of the property’s value, which would be Rs. 16-20 lakhs. With Rs. 7 lakhs available in cash, you’ll need an additional Rs. 9-13 lakhs.

Asset Utilization: Consider liquidating some of your mutual fund investments to cover part of the down payment. Although selling investments might seem counterproductive, securing your home purchase takes priority.

Short-Term Loan Option: If you face a shortfall, a short-term personal loan could help bridge the gap. Ensure that this loan is manageable and plan to repay it quickly to avoid long-term financial strain.

Retain Real Estate Asset: While you may be tempted to sell your Rs. 45 lakh property to fund the down payment, retaining it is advisable. Real estate can appreciate over time and act as a financial safety net or source of rental income in the future.

Emergency Fund Consideration: Ensure that after making the down payment, you still have a sufficient emergency fund. Aim to keep at least 6 months of expenses in liquid assets.

Goal 2: Education Fund for Your Son

Your goal is to save Rs. 30 lakhs for your son’s education. Since your son is currently 7 years old, you have about 10-15 years to build this corpus.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Continue and, if possible, increase your SIP contributions. An increased SIP will help in accumulating the education fund over time, leveraging the power of compounding.

Diversified Portfolio: Investing in a diversified mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and sectoral funds can provide a good balance of risk and growth potential. Avoid putting all your money in one type of fund to reduce risk.

Separate Education Fund: Consider setting up a dedicated education fund to ensure that these savings are not used for other purposes. This fund can be built using child-specific plans or targeted mutual funds aimed at education goals.

Periodic Review: Regularly review and adjust your investments based on market conditions and your son’s education timeline. If you notice any shortfalls or better opportunities, make the necessary adjustments.

Consider Inflation: Education costs are likely to rise due to inflation. Factor this in when planning your Rs. 30 lakh goal. You may need to increase your target to Rs. 40-50 lakhs to account for future inflation.

Goal 3: Retirement at Age 53

You aim to retire at 53 and need a retirement corpus that can provide a monthly income of Rs. 2 lakhs. With inflation, this requirement will increase by the time you retire.

Inflation-Adjusted Income: If we assume an inflation rate of 6%, Rs. 2 lakhs today will equate to approximately Rs. 4.5-5 lakhs monthly in 15 years. Your retirement corpus needs to be large enough to generate this income.

Estimated Corpus: To generate Rs. 4.5-5 lakhs per month, you’ll need a retirement corpus of around Rs. 10-12 crores. This estimate assumes a safe withdrawal rate and a balanced investment strategy during retirement.

Current Investments: You currently have Rs. 25 lakhs in PF, Rs. 7 lakhs in NPS, and Rs. 7 lakhs in mutual funds. Continue contributing to these, particularly to NPS and PF, as they offer tax benefits and steady growth. Increasing your contributions as your income rises will help you reach your goal.

Enhanced SIP Contributions: To build your retirement corpus, consider increasing your SIP contributions as your financial situation allows. Higher contributions now will lead to greater growth through compounding.

Diversification and Growth: Your retirement portfolio should be diversified across equity, debt, and hybrid funds. This approach provides both growth and stability, reducing the risk of market fluctuations affecting your retirement plans.

Debt Clearance: You currently have Rs. 8 lakhs in outstanding loans. Prioritize clearing these debts before retirement. Reducing your liabilities will lower your financial stress and allow you to focus on saving for retirement.

Health and Insurance Considerations: Ensure that you have adequate health coverage and life insurance during your retirement years. Consider increasing your health coverage to safeguard against rising medical costs. Review your life insurance to ensure it provides for your family if something happens to you.

Regular Financial Reviews: Review your retirement plan every 2-3 years. Adjust your investments and strategies based on changes in your financial situation, market conditions, and retirement timeline.

Investment Strategy and Asset Allocation

To achieve all three goals, your investment strategy needs to be aligned with each goal’s timeline and risk profile:

Short-Term Goal (Down Payment): Focus on liquid assets like mutual funds and savings for the down payment. Avoid taking on excessive debt.

Medium-Term Goal (Education Fund): Continue with SIPs in diversified equity funds. This balances growth and risk over a 10-15 year period.

Long-Term Goal (Retirement): Prioritize NPS, PF, and SIPs in equity and hybrid funds. These provide growth and stability over the next 15 years.

Emergency Fund Maintenance: Always maintain an emergency fund equal to 6-12 months of expenses. This ensures that unexpected events don’t derail your financial plan.

Final Insights

Your financial goals are ambitious but achievable with careful planning. For the flat purchase, consider liquidating some mutual funds and, if necessary, taking a small loan. Ensure that this does not impact your long-term financial stability. For your son’s education, focus on systematic investments and inflation adjustments to reach your Rs. 30 lakh goal. Lastly, to retire comfortably at 53 with a monthly income of Rs. 2 lakhs (inflation-adjusted), aim for a retirement corpus of Rs. 10-12 crores. Increasing your SIPs, paying off existing loans, and maintaining a diversified portfolio are crucial steps toward this goal. Regular reviews with a Certified Financial Planner can help you stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6971 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 27, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir I am 46 year old. I have wife and 2 kids . Daughter is going for study at abroad, son is in 9 th . Following is my investment and loan . Home loan 25 L remaining emi 24 K , Car loan 3 L remaining emi 8 K. Investment 77 L FD , 18 L mutual fund ( 50 K per month) , epf 76 L , ppf 30 L, other gold/ shares 4 L and 3.4 L NSC post office. I earn 2 L per month and my wife 55 K . We require for daughter eduction 7 L per annum for next 6 years and son education after 4 year may be 7 L for 4 years. We want retirement at 55 with 1.5 L per month please suggest how to achieve this
Ans: You have a strong financial foundation. Your income, combined with your wife’s, is Rs. 2.55 lakh per month. You have a diversified investment portfolio, including fixed deposits, mutual funds, EPF, PPF, gold, shares, and NSC. Your loan obligations are Rs. 25 lakh on your home loan and Rs. 3 lakh on your car loan, with EMIs of Rs. 24,000 and Rs. 8,000, respectively.

Your daughter's education costs will be Rs. 7 lakh annually for the next six years. Your son's education will require Rs. 7 lakh annually starting in four years for a period of four years. Additionally, you plan to retire at 55, with a desired monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh.

Financial Goals
1. Funding Education Expenses

Your immediate priority is securing funds for your children's education. For your daughter, you need Rs. 42 lakh over six years. For your son, you need Rs. 28 lakh starting in four years. These goals are crucial and require a robust plan.

2. Retirement Planning

You wish to retire at 55, with a target of Rs. 1.5 lakh per month. With nine years to retirement, it's essential to align your investments to ensure this target is met.

3. Loan Repayment

Paying off your home and car loans will free up cash flow, which can be redirected to other investments.

Strategic Financial Planning
1. Optimizing Loan Repayment

Home Loan: You have Rs. 25 lakh remaining on your home loan. With an EMI of Rs. 24,000, the remaining tenure is likely long. Consider prepaying a portion of this loan. Prepayment will reduce the tenure and save interest. You could use a part of your FD to do this. This action will free up Rs. 24,000 per month in the future.

Car Loan: The outstanding amount is Rs. 3 lakh with an EMI of Rs. 8,000. Given the smaller loan size, it’s advisable to pay this off early. You could use your savings or FD for this. This will free up Rs. 8,000 per month.

2. Investment Strategy for Education

Daughter’s Education: Rs. 7 lakh per annum for six years will need Rs. 42 lakh. You already have Rs. 77 lakh in FD, which is a safe option. However, considering inflation, it’s wise to ensure that these funds are not only secure but also growing. You might want to move some of these funds into a balanced mutual fund or a debt mutual fund. This will offer a better return than FD while still being relatively low-risk.

Son’s Education: Rs. 7 lakh per annum for four years, starting in four years, will require Rs. 28 lakh. You have time to grow this fund. Continue your current SIPs and consider increasing the amount. Mid-cap and small-cap funds can provide higher returns, but they come with higher risk. Since you have time, a mix of equity mutual funds is advisable.

3. Retirement Planning

Current Savings: Your EPF (Rs. 76 lakh) and PPF (Rs. 30 lakh) are solid foundations. Continue contributing to them. Additionally, your Rs. 18 lakh in mutual funds should continue growing. With Rs. 50,000 per month in SIPs, your portfolio will grow significantly over the next nine years.

Diversifying Investments: To achieve Rs. 1.5 lakh per month in retirement, you’ll need a combination of safe and growth-oriented investments. Continue with mutual funds but consider adding debt funds and conservative hybrid funds as you near retirement. This will protect your corpus from market volatility.

4. Building a Contingency Fund

Emergency Savings: With your current income, you should set aside at least six months' worth of expenses in a liquid fund. This would be about Rs. 18 lakh. Your FDs could partially serve this purpose, but you might also consider a separate contingency fund.
5. Health and Insurance Coverage

Health Insurance: Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage for your entire family. Medical costs can be a significant burden, especially in retirement. If your current coverage is below Rs. 10-20 lakh, consider enhancing it.

Life Insurance: Review your life insurance needs. Your outstanding loans and future obligations mean you should have sufficient coverage. A term plan is the most cost-effective way to secure this.

Detailed Financial Recommendations
1. Education Funding

Daughter’s Education: Allocate Rs. 7 lakh per annum from your FD. Invest the remaining FD in a balanced mutual fund to keep pace with inflation. This approach balances safety and growth.

Son’s Education: Use your mutual fund SIPs to build this corpus. Consider increasing your SIPs if possible, to ensure you have Rs. 28 lakh by the time he needs it.

2. Prepay Loans

Home Loan: Consider prepaying Rs. 10-15 lakh from your FD. This will significantly reduce your loan tenure and interest burden.

Car Loan: Clear this loan as soon as possible. Use Rs. 3 lakh from your savings or FD to eliminate this EMI. This will increase your monthly cash flow.

3. Retirement Investments

Continue EPF and PPF Contributions: These are your safest investments. Ensure you’re maxing out your PPF contributions annually.

Increase Equity Exposure: Continue with your Rs. 50,000 SIPs. As you get closer to retirement, shift part of your portfolio to less volatile funds. This could include conservative hybrid funds or large-cap funds.

Explore Debt Funds: As you near retirement, consider moving a portion of your mutual fund corpus into debt funds. These provide stability and regular income, which aligns with your retirement goals.

4. Emergency Fund and Insurance

Create a Contingency Fund: Set aside Rs. 18 lakh for emergencies. This fund should be easily accessible, like in a liquid mutual fund.

Review Health Insurance: Ensure your family’s health insurance is adequate. Top up if necessary to cover Rs. 10-20 lakh per person.

Secure Life Insurance: Ensure you have a term insurance plan that covers your outstanding loans and future financial responsibilities.

Final Insights
You have a solid foundation, but optimizing your investments and managing your loans will help you achieve your financial goals. Prioritize your children's education, as these are immediate and significant expenses. Simultaneously, work towards clearing your loans to free up cash flow. Your retirement goal of Rs. 1.5 lakh per month is achievable with disciplined investing and strategic planning. Regularly review your financial plan, adjust as necessary, and keep your goals in focus.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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I am 50 years old and got married 15 years ago. I am a very spontaneous sort of a guy and enjoy life, partying etc. I was also very active socially.My wife being the complete opposite put a stop to all that once we got married. She also does not display any affection and has no interest in physical intimacy. She is just concerned with her housework.We also have lot of differences in mental attitude & intellectual abilities. At no stage will we ever seperate, however, I am unhappy with her nature. She has lot of friends, however is always at daggers drawn with in her in laws. We had to stay separately for 6 months, and I tried looking for love else where, however after a couple of months, I realised, that I missed her. I am in a quandary. Despite requesting her to work on our relationship, I get no response. Please advise on how to proceed.
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I understand you are in a tough spot. But it's nice to see that after all those years of differences, you still have genuine feelings for her. I strongly suggest considering marriage counseling. From your description of your marriage, it seems to be there have been issues from the very beginning of it. It's been too long and now those issues must've become deep-rooted. Seeing a professional can be a game-changer. They can guide you out of this slump more methodically and help you navigate the emotions you are feeling right now. It can also help you understand the reasons for your wife's disinterest and handle it better.

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Hi, Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. Partner(F28)continuing friendship with a person[M] who had crush on her before marriage considered emotional infidelity? Me(M38) and wife(F37) happily married for 12 years and blessed with one daughter. My wife is having friendship (strictly platonic) with a guy from her 10tlh grade (same class). Before our marriage (she may be doing her college, our relationship just started may be 2 weeks) this guy told her he has genuine interest in her and he want to take the relationship further if she wants, she said she is not interested in a relationship and she got committed, she always saw him as a friend, no other feelings for him and we can be friends if you don't bring any romantic interest again. He never took this talk again ever after and happy to be a friend. They are talking as friends. She got married to me. He also got married. They still do chats once in a month. She introduced me to him and visited his home when we visited his city. He also came to our home once (me and my family was there). She used to update me with chat she had with him and the content they are chatting. I am ok with that When we were talking about our school life and college life 2 years before. She said this guy had crush on her during her college days. I asked her, why did not she tell me this info till now. She said it is not purposely, she does not feel the need to do as the person is not in-appropriate with her and continuing as good friend as promised after she rejected his proposal. I don’t want to create any unnecessary issues as I don’t have any felling or so with him. That time I checked their chats completely, it’s about update about their common friends, their recent travel, their job, meditation courses and the books they read recently. I haven’t seen any flirting or romantic message from either of them. So I am perfectly fine with it and had no problems. I recently came to know about the concept of emotional cheating which is very new to me. Before that cheating to me is only flirting, sexeting and physical sex. I have asked for advice in redddit.com in infedility sub forum about emotional cheating/ emotion affair. There persons are advising like even having friendship with someone who had crush on you is emotional cheating as it is indirectly leading them on you. So with an omission of lie he had crush on her and indirectly leading him on you wife was emotionally cheating on you. This is very much equal to cheating. I do have lots of friends in other gender, but no one had crush on me. Does this count as emotional cheating/affair as she did not mention he had crush on her before marriage? I am little depressed and not able to spend quality time with my wife who is in postpartum depression and take care of our daughter properly as before. Do you guys advise me how to navigate this situation?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Are you really going to ruin your happy relationship based on some new term you have learned recently? Emotional cheating and many more terms of the kind will come and go, what truly matters is the truth. She is merely friends with this guy and for your peace of mind, you have even checked their conversations- what part of it looks like cheating to you? If tomorrow, some random person projecting their own insecurities claims that a man speaking to a woman is some "new form" of cheating, would you start believing that? My point is that these are just random opinions of some people- it isn't the ultimate truth. The entire context matters. This man had a crush on your wife, she rejected it, and now they are just friends. I find absolutely no misconduct or infidelity in this. The fact that none of your friends had a crush on you does not factor in at all. Moreover, your wife is in postpartum depression- that should be your biggest concern but here you are, giving more importance to the random 2 AM thoughts of some people you don't even know. Please rethink if you are being fair to your wife- the mother of your child.

Best Wishes

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |395 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 05, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 26, 2024Hindi
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I (30M) am looking for Arranged Marriage Prospects. My Family has found a Prospect (27F) who seems like a Good Match, she's Well Educated, Earning Well & from the same Community. I haven't yet met her in Person, but connected with her on Social Media Platforms & interacting regularly. Recently, I scrolled through her Instagram Profile (It's a Public Profile). She seems to be a very Sociable Person, she has shared many Photos of herself, Partying/Travelling along with her Friends. My Problem is that she seems to like Wearing Clothes which are Revealing. She has shared many Photos/Videos, in which she's skimpily dressed (including some Bikini Photos at Beach/Swimming Pool). She also has a Pierced Navel Ring & Tattoos on some Private Parts like Chest, Hips, Thighs & Lower Back, which she flaunts proudly on Social Media. Though, I am not Judging her Character, based on her Choice of Clothing, but seeing all these made me a little Uncomfortable, as I am a very Modest & Simple Person myself. I have not discussed this issue with my Parents, as they have a very good opinion about her (which I don't want to Ruin). But I've discussed with some of my closest Friends (of both Genders) & some of them have Chided me for being so Judgemental. They suggested me to meet her atleast once in person, to understand what's her Character/Personality like. Shall I give it a try or Reject her Politely at this stage itself, without wasting any more Time (either her or mine)? Or am I being too Superficial to Judge a Woman, just based on her Social Media Profile, without even meeting her once, personally (This is what some of my closest Female Friends opined)? Please suggest me how to proceed with this Prospect in Arranged Marriage.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I know it might come off as you being judgmental of her choice of dressing, but you have a right to form an opinion in your mind, especially since in your case, you might be marrying the person. As long as you are not making up your mind about her based on her dressing, forcing her to dress the way she wants, or thrusting your opinion on her, it's alright. It's human nature to be a bit jerked by the choices others make that we won't make ourselves. Having said that, I believe meeting her once in person can be good for you; you might have a new perspective- both about her and on life. But no one can force you to do either. My suggestion is that do what you think is right- if you are sure you will reject this alliance based on her choice of clothes, even if she is the nicest person on the face of the earth, meeting up might be a waste of time. But if you think you are open to changing your mind, go for it.

I would also like for you to remember one important point if things work out between the two of you- do not try to push your opinions on dressing and change the way she is after getting married. That would not be fair. In case, you start hoping that she will change and fit YOUR mold of the perfect woman, I would strongly suggest keeping that thought in check.

Best Wishes.

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