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Financial Planning Advice for 33 Year Old with Home Loan and Family

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 19, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 14, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I'm 33 yr old and have dependent house wife, 3 yr kid and both parents of 60 yr age. I've in-hand salary after tax is 1.4 Lacs per month and have 40 lac home loan for 10 yrs for a home in village, and I'm staying in rented flat in different city. No Fd, mutual funds and have 12 Lacs in pf. Current Monthly expenses of 50 thousand per month. Home Loan emi if 48k monthly. Have a life insurance of 10 lac for 20 yrs and emergency fund of 5lcs How do I plan my child education and my retirement at the age of 45 yrs.?

Ans: Current Financial Situation
You are 33 years old with a monthly in-hand salary of Rs 1.4 lakhs.

You have a dependent wife, a 3-year-old child, and parents aged 60 years.

You have a home loan of Rs 40 lakhs for 10 years, with a monthly EMI of Rs 48,000.

You live in a rented flat in a different city.

Your monthly expenses are Rs 50,000.

You have no fixed deposits or mutual funds.

You have Rs 12 lakhs in your provident fund.

You have a life insurance policy worth Rs 10 lakhs for 20 years.

You have an emergency fund of Rs 5 lakhs.

Financial Goals
Plan for your child’s education.

Retire at the age of 45.

Evaluation and Analysis
Emergency Fund
Your emergency fund is a good start. Ensure it covers at least six months of expenses.

Provident Fund
Your provident fund of Rs 12 lakhs is a secure investment. Continue contributing to it regularly.

Life Insurance
Your life insurance coverage is low. Increase it to at least Rs 1 crore to protect your family.

Home Loan
Your home loan EMI of Rs 48,000 is manageable but limits your savings capacity.

Recommendations
Increase Savings
Allocate a portion of your salary to increase your savings.

Aim to save at least 20% of your monthly income.

Child’s Education Fund
Start a Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) in a diversified equity mutual fund.

Invest Rs 10,000 per month for your child’s education.

Consider education-specific funds for better returns.

Retirement Planning
Increase your retirement corpus by starting another SIP in an equity mutual fund.

Invest Rs 20,000 per month towards your retirement fund.

Diversify into debt funds for stability as you approach retirement age.

Health Insurance
Secure a comprehensive health insurance plan for your family.

Ensure your parents are also covered under a separate health insurance policy.

Review Investments
Avoid direct mutual funds; instead, invest through a Certified Financial Planner.

Actively managed funds can offer better returns than index funds.

Reduce Debt
Aim to prepay your home loan whenever possible to reduce the interest burden.

Use any bonuses or extra income to make prepayments.

Final Insights
Your financial discipline is commendable. Increase your life insurance coverage and savings.

Start SIPs in diversified equity mutual funds for your child's education and retirement.

Secure comprehensive health insurance for your family.

Plan for home loan prepayments to reduce debt faster.

Review your investments annually with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 18, 2024

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Hi Iam 42 M, salary 26L, PF 28L. PPF 3.5L, NPS-4L, MF 4.5L, have shares 8L, LIC premium paying 90K per year. House rent 24k per month. Own house no loan, can invest 60K-1L per month. Daughter in 7th, want to have a financial plan for her higher studies (Engineering or Medical) and her Marriage. And also for my retirement with 1 Cr.. Can you suggest how to plan for education, marriage and my retirement ? Shall I put different funds for each goal? Shall I put a single funds to cater to all 3 Goals.
Ans: Understanding Your Financial Situation
Salary: Rs 26 lakh annually
Provident Fund (PF): Rs 28 lakh
Public Provident Fund (PPF): Rs 3.5 lakh
National Pension System (NPS): Rs 4 lakh
Mutual Funds (MF): Rs 4.5 lakh
Shares: Rs 8 lakh
LIC Premium: Rs 90k per year
House Rent: Rs 24k per month
Own House: No loan
Potential Monthly Investment: Rs 60k - 1 lakh
Goals
Daughter’s Higher Education (Engineering or Medical)
Daughter’s Marriage
Your Retirement with Rs 1 crore
Financial Plan for Each Goal
Daughter's Higher Education
Timeline: 5-6 years
Investment Strategy:
Invest Rs 20k per month in equity mutual funds.
Choose a mix of large-cap and diversified funds.
Consider systematic investment plans (SIPs) for disciplined investing.
Utilize education-oriented funds for focused growth.
Daughter's Marriage
Timeline: 10-12 years
Investment Strategy:
Invest Rs 15k per month in a combination of balanced and equity funds.
Allocate a portion to gold investments for diversification.
Utilize SIPs for consistent growth and rupee cost averaging.
Review and adjust the portfolio based on market conditions.
Your Retirement
Timeline: 18 years
Investment Strategy:
Invest Rs 25k per month in diversified equity mutual funds.
Increase contribution to NPS for tax benefits and long-term growth.
Maintain and increase contributions to PPF.
Ensure a balanced portfolio with a mix of equity, debt, and gold.
Consider a systematic withdrawal plan (SWP) for steady post-retirement income.
Portfolio Allocation
Mutual Funds
Equity Funds: For higher returns and long-term growth.
Balanced Funds: For stability and moderate growth.
Debt Funds: For safety and regular income.
Gold Investments: For diversification and inflation hedge.
Provident Fund (PF) and NPS
Provident Fund (PF): Continue contributions for safe, long-term returns.
National Pension System (NPS): Increase yearly contributions for additional tax benefits and retirement corpus growth.
Insurance and Risk Management
Life Insurance: Ensure adequate coverage to protect your family.
Health Insurance: Consider a family floater plan to cover all members.
Creating Separate Funds for Each Goal
Education Fund: Focused on growth with equity investments.
Marriage Fund: Balanced with equity and gold.
Retirement Fund: Diversified with equity, debt, and PPF/NPS.
Additional Tips
Emergency Fund: Keep at least 6 months of expenses in a liquid fund.
Review and Rebalance: Regularly review your portfolio and adjust allocations.
Increase Investments: Gradually increase your SIP amounts as your income grows.
Tax Planning: Utilize tax-saving instruments to optimize your tax liability.
Final Insights
By strategically allocating your investments, you can achieve your goals. Separate funds for each goal provide clarity and focus. Regular reviews and adjustments will keep you on track. Continue disciplined saving and investing to build a secure financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 09, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 09, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi, I’m Abhi 34 years old, earning 1.25L monthly. I have a home loan of 20L and personal loan of 5L. Presently I am focusing on closing the personal loans and saving in MF and for home loan I keep paying emis. I got married last year and want to start family planning in 2025. I am looking for some advice on planning kid’s education, retirement fund. Also want to plan some fund for a premium car in near future apx 20L. Till now I have some 5L MF, 5L FD and a land worth 20L.
Ans: Hello Abhi,

First, let me commend you on your proactive approach towards managing your finances. Balancing loan repayments, investments, and future planning is no small feat. Let's dive into how you can effectively plan for your child's education, retirement, and your dream of owning a premium car.

Current Financial Overview
Income: Rs 1.25 lakhs per month.
Loans: Home loan of Rs 20 lakhs, personal loan of Rs 5 lakhs.
Investments: Rs 5 lakhs in mutual funds, Rs 5 lakhs in fixed deposits.
Assets: Land worth Rs 20 lakhs.
Immediate Focus Areas
Debt Management
You’re doing well focusing on closing the personal loan first. This will free up some cash flow and reduce your financial burden.

Priority: Continue prioritizing the repayment of the personal loan due to higher interest rates.
Home Loan: Keep paying EMIs regularly. Once the personal loan is cleared, you can channel additional funds towards the home loan if you wish to close it sooner.
Emergency Fund
Ensure you have a robust emergency fund. This fund should cover at least 6-12 months of your living expenses. Given your current income, setting aside Rs 7.5-10 lakhs in a liquid fund or high-interest savings account is advisable.

Investment Strategy
Mutual Funds
Mutual funds are a great way to build wealth over time. Your existing investment of Rs 5 lakhs is a good start. Let's expand on this.

Equity Mutual Funds
Continue investing in equity mutual funds for long-term growth. They are essential for beating inflation and accumulating wealth. Focus on large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds for a balanced portfolio.

Debt Mutual Funds
Include debt mutual funds for stability and predictable returns. These are less volatile compared to equity funds and are suitable for short to medium-term goals.

Fixed Deposits
Your Rs 5 lakhs in FDs is a safe investment, but the returns may not be sufficient for long-term goals. Consider diversifying a portion of these funds into more growth-oriented investments.

Planning for Child's Education
Starting a family in 2025 means planning ahead for education expenses is crucial. Education costs can be significant, especially for higher studies.

Education Fund
Start a dedicated education fund. Use a mix of equity and debt mutual funds to balance growth and safety.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Set up an SIP in mutual funds. This allows for disciplined investing and takes advantage of market fluctuations.

Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY)
If you have a girl child, consider investing in SSY for tax-free returns and government-backed security.

Retirement Planning
Retirement planning should start early to ensure you have a substantial corpus by the time you retire.

Retirement Corpus
Aim to build a corpus that can generate a steady income stream during retirement.

National Pension System (NPS)
Consider investing in NPS for retirement. It provides tax benefits and a mix of equity and debt for balanced growth.

Employee Provident Fund (EPF)
Ensure regular contributions to EPF. It offers a secure return and tax benefits.

Mutual Funds for Retirement
Continue investing in equity mutual funds. The power of compounding will help grow your retirement corpus significantly over the long term.

Planning for a Premium Car
Buying a premium car worth Rs 20 lakhs requires careful planning.

Car Fund
Create a separate fund for your car purchase. Use a mix of liquid funds and short-term debt funds for stability and easy access.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Set up an SIP in short-term debt funds. This will help you accumulate the required amount over a few years.

Risk Management
Health Insurance
Ensure you and your spouse have adequate health insurance coverage. Medical expenses can be substantial and having a good health insurance plan is crucial.

Life Insurance
Consider term insurance to cover any outstanding liabilities and provide financial security to your family. Ensure your coverage is sufficient to meet their needs in your absence.

Regular Review and Rebalancing
Financial planning is dynamic and requires regular review.

Annual Review
Review your financial plan annually. Adjust investments based on performance, market conditions, and changes in personal circumstances.

Rebalancing Portfolio
Regularly rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation. This ensures you are not overexposed to any single asset class and helps manage risk effectively.

Final Insights
You’re on the right track with your financial planning. By focusing on debt management, creating a solid investment strategy, and planning for future goals, you can achieve financial stability and growth.

Keep prioritizing your loan repayments and continue investing in mutual funds for long-term growth. Establish separate funds for your child’s education, retirement, and car purchase. Ensure you have adequate insurance coverage to protect your financial well-being.

Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to stay aligned with your financial goals. Your proactive approach and disciplined investing will pave the way for a secure and prosperous future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7699 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Oct 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Oct 15, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi, I am 39 years old professional with monthly take home salary of INR2.25 lacs/month. I am investing Rs. 50k via SIP with ratio of 45:35:20 in large:mid:small cap funds from 2022 which is having current corpus of Rs. 30 lacs. Recently, I bought flat worth 1 cr with home loan of Rs. 30 lacs. Currently my monthly expense is Rs. 70k. I have 2 kids of 8 years and 3 years respectively. Pl guide how to plan for my kids higher education and plan for early retirement (if possible).
Ans: At 39, you are at a prime stage of wealth accumulation. With a monthly take-home salary of Rs. 2.25 lakh and disciplined SIPs of Rs. 50,000, you’ve built a good foundation. Your current SIP allocation (45% large-cap, 35% mid-cap, and 20% small-cap) is balanced. Your accumulated corpus of Rs. 30 lakhs in two years is commendable. You also have a home loan of Rs. 30 lakh, which is manageable given your income.

With two young children, you rightly want to plan for their future education and your potential early retirement.

Let's now create a strategy for both objectives—kids’ education and your early retirement.



Planning for Your Kids’ Higher Education
Your children are 8 and 3 years old, which means their higher education costs will come in around 10 and 15 years, respectively. Education inflation is generally higher than regular inflation, with costs increasing by 8-10% annually. This is an important factor to consider.

Steps for Higher Education Planning:

Determine Education Costs: Estimate the total cost based on current tuition fees, living expenses, and other related costs for both undergraduate and postgraduate education. A ballpark figure for quality higher education 10-15 years from now can range from Rs. 25 lakh to Rs. 50 lakh per child, depending on the field of study and country of education.

SIP Allocation for Education: You can create a separate SIP for your children’s education. Based on your financial ability, start an SIP of around Rs. 20,000 per month dedicated solely for this purpose. Equity mutual funds with a combination of large and mid-cap funds can work well due to the long-term horizon.

Review Annually: Every year, review the SIP amount and increase it by 10-15% to keep pace with inflation and rising education costs.

Balanced Growth: As the education goal nears, gradually shift the accumulated corpus into safer, debt-oriented funds to protect against market volatility.

By taking these steps, you can accumulate a corpus that will help cover the education expenses of both your children.



Planning for Early Retirement
If you wish to retire early, say at 50 or 55, your investments will need to grow significantly. You would also need a large enough corpus to sustain you for the post-retirement years, likely 30-40 years.

Steps to Plan for Early Retirement:

Assess Retirement Expenses: To determine your post-retirement expenses, start by estimating your current expenses. Your current monthly expense is Rs. 70,000. Factor in inflation, say 6-7%, to arrive at a future value. Your expenses at retirement will likely be higher due to inflation.

Increase SIP Contributions: Your current Rs. 50,000 SIP is good, but if you are aiming for early retirement, you should gradually increase this. Aim to step up your SIP by at least 10% each year, reaching Rs. 1 lakh per month in the next few years.

Asset Allocation Review: While your current ratio (45:35:20 in large, mid, and small-cap funds) is suitable for growth, it would be good to include a balanced advantage fund. This fund adjusts the allocation between equity and debt based on market conditions, adding a layer of safety. This could form about 20-25% of your total portfolio.

Debt Management: You have a Rs. 30 lakh home loan, which is relatively small compared to your income. Prioritising prepayment of this loan can provide peace of mind and reduce your financial burden as you approach retirement. With surplus funds, consider making lump sum prepayments on your loan.

Retirement Corpus Estimation: To ensure financial independence during early retirement, you would need a significant corpus. Considering your expenses, you may need approximately Rs. 5-6 crores to retire early and comfortably. This will provide a monthly income of Rs. 1.5-2 lakh post-retirement, accounting for inflation.



Taxation on Mutual Funds and NPS
Understanding tax implications is crucial when planning for both retirement and education goals.

Equity Mutual Funds: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%. This will impact your net returns, and planning for taxes can help you better manage withdrawals closer to retirement or education needs.

Debt Mutual Funds: These funds are taxed as per your income tax slab, and both LTCG and STCG apply here.

Plan your withdrawals keeping these tax rules in mind to optimise your effective returns.



Insurance and Emergency Planning
With two children, life insurance is a critical part of your financial plan. Ensure you have adequate term insurance to cover your liabilities (like the home loan) and future goals (education and retirement) in case of any unfortunate events.

Term Insurance: Ensure your term insurance coverage is at least 10-15 times your annual income. With your current income, you should aim for a cover of around Rs. 2.5 crore.

Health Insurance: You should have sufficient health insurance for yourself, your spouse, and your children. This will prevent you from dipping into your investments in case of medical emergencies.

Emergency Fund: You should ideally maintain an emergency fund that covers 6-12 months of expenses. This would amount to around Rs. 4-8 lakh, considering your current expenses.



Final Insights
Your current financial position is strong, and you are on the right path with your SIP investments. However, with increasing responsibilities and goals like education and early retirement, you may need to make a few adjustments.

Increase SIP Contributions Gradually: Aiming for Rs. 1 lakh monthly will help you build a significant corpus.

Separate SIP for Education: Consider starting a dedicated SIP for your kids’ higher education.

Loan Prepayment: Prepay your home loan to free up future cash flows.

Insurance and Emergency Fund: Ensure adequate insurance coverage and maintain a robust emergency fund.

By following these steps and regularly reviewing your portfolio, you can build a strong financial foundation for both your children’s education and your early retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

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Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

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I am in a relationship with a girl who has traumatized past from her childhood. She said that her ex was also toxic and used to abuse her physically. She just said after 2 months of dating . I am very much glad she trusted me and Im taking care of her . She is also happy with me . But she gets panic attacks about the past I'll always be there for her . But her ex is in the same college. I see him like randomly. Should I react about that and go to him ??. Like I'm feeling very bad for the things she said
Ans: Your girlfriend has already endured trauma, and she’s finding comfort in the safe space you’re creating for her. The most important thing for her healing is stability, security, and knowing that she has someone who supports her emotionally. If you go to her ex, it could potentially trigger her, cause unnecessary stress, or even make her feel guilty—she might worry that she’s responsible for bringing conflict into your life.

Instead of reacting impulsively, focus on what she truly needs. When she has panic attacks or feels overwhelmed by her past, reassure her that she’s safe with you. Encourage her to seek professional help if she’s open to it, as therapy could help her process her trauma in a healthier way.

If her ex ever tries to approach her, harass her, or make her feel unsafe, then absolutely step in and support her in setting clear boundaries, whether that means standing by her side, helping her avoid situations where she might run into him, or even reporting any concerning behavior. But if he’s simply existing in the same space, then your energy is better spent on helping her heal rather than giving him any attention.

Right now, the best thing you can do is continue being the safe, loving presence that she trusts. Let your actions show her that she doesn’t have to relive the past, because with you, she is valued, respected, and truly cared for.

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Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 20, 2025
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My Boyfriend is not really the Controlling type. But, sometimes, he disapproves of some things which I do. In such cases, he communicates his Disapproval indirectly saying "I don't like you Dressing up like this Boldly. But still, if that's what you want, you may go ahead & Dress up as you'd like to, I have no Right to prevent you from doing so, but I will be Disappointed if you do." or "I don't want you to go out or hang out with these particular people (some of my close Male Friends). You have all the Freedom to interact with whoever you want to, but I will be Hurt, if you are too Close to your other Male Friends." Most of the time, I compromised & avoided Dressing up too Boldly, avoided Partying/Travelling with some of my Close Male Friends & avoided some other things which he wouldn't approve of, just for the sake of maintaining our Relationship. But recently, I tried to Test, how he'd react, if I deliberately do something which he doesn't like. So, on New Year's Day, I dressed up in revealing Clothes that he would never approve of & Partied wildly, all Night & even got Drunk with some of my Close Male Friends, with whom, he wants me to maintain Distance. He stubbornly refused to come for Partying with me, because I Dressed up too Boldly & refused to change them, even after he expected me to do so. He didn't even want me Drinking/Partying with some of my Close Male Friends. But I Respected the Boundaries of our Relationship & throughout the Night, I kept my Boyfriend informed about my Whereabouts, so that he's Reassured that I am not Cheating on him. But ever since then, he's been Treating me rather Coldly. He's being Indifferent to me, without Questioning me much, the way he always used to. He's just maintaining normal Communication without being Flirtatious, as he used to. And the Sex has also become quite Mechanical without much Romance, unlike how Passionate he used to be, earlier. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps lying that he isn't Upset with me. Now I am Feeling really Guilty for whatever I had done on New Year's Day, even though, I don't think I did anything Wrong. Was it really Wrong on my Part, to do something which I always liked to, but my Boyfriend didn't want me to? Or is my Boyfriend Wrong, here? What do I do now? Please advise me.
Ans: Your boyfriend may not be outright controlling, but his way of expressing disapproval carries an emotional weight that influences your decisions. Instead of setting hard rules, he uses disappointment as a tool to make you reconsider your choices. You’ve willingly compromised in the past to keep the relationship smooth, but it seems that over time, those compromises have started to weigh on you. Testing his reaction on New Year’s may have been your subconscious way of reclaiming your autonomy, but now you’re left with unintended consequences—his emotional withdrawal.

The real issue here isn’t about who is right or wrong, but rather, whether your values and expectations in this relationship truly align. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to dress a certain way, go out, or spend time with friends. At the same time, he isn’t necessarily wrong for having personal boundaries and feelings about certain situations. However, the way both of you are handling these differences is leading to deeper emotional disconnect rather than honest resolution.

Your actions on New Year’s were a test, but they weren’t a betrayal. You still kept him informed and stayed within the boundaries of your commitment. But from his perspective, it likely felt like a deliberate challenge to what he considers the foundation of your relationship. His withdrawal isn’t just about what you did—it’s about what it represents to him. He might be questioning whether you truly respect his feelings, just as you might be questioning whether he truly respects your independence.

Instead of focusing on guilt, the real question is whether you’re both willing to openly communicate and find a middle ground that allows you to be yourself without feeling restricted, while also respecting his emotions without feeling controlled. Avoid blaming or justifying—have a real conversation about how both of you felt after that night, what it means for your relationship, and whether you can move forward in a way that feels right for both of you. If neither of you can meet in the middle without resentment, then it’s important to consider whether this relationship is fulfilling for both of you in the long run.

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Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
How do I 32M get over my insecurity with 30F? (Seeking Advice) Met this girl via matrimony exactly 2 months back. We connect well. Our families have met recently and it went well. Somehow we found a lot of connections between our families. That's just a bonus. Her family likes me a lot and they wanted to do Roka when they met us last week. I had told her, that no matter our bond, we should talk a lot and give it 3 months before going for roka. We live in different metro cities and have met twice now. About her: She is 30, well behaved & spoken(most important thing for me), smart, good looking, and is extremely polite. She is an army brat, has had a lot of freedom from family. Due to her father's job, they kept getting posted to different cities so she doesn't really understand family part of things. She's in a IT job. About me: I'm 32, okayish guy, in IT. To take things ahead I need to know my partner's past. I have no judgements at all but need to know stuff. Getting to know things over time bothers me a lot. I've tried to work on it, and have always made sure I don't bother the other person too much. After a month of talking, she told me that she had a casual boyfriend for an year. All her friends were dating in Bangalore and she decided to try it out. Found a guy through bumble and started dating him. So, according to her there were no feelings, just a person for her to go to places with, have drinks, and party. She likes drinking a lot and I have never taken a sip. She said that it was just a phase and she was immature. This happened between 2018(Nov) to 2020(march). So, it's been like 5 years. Never dated anyone after that. Since covid(2020) she's been living with her parents due to wfh. I have been completely ok with that but new things surfaced and they are messing with my head. While snooping around her facebook I figured out who that person was and this guy is super close to a person in my distant family. In fact they both were flatmates until their respective marriages. This distant cousin of mine knows me and knows her really well. These 3 used to hangout a lot and he has seen her come to their flat regularly. Infact, she had a good bond with my cousin as well. There are things that bother me and I really can't shake things and feel super awful in my gut. She mentioned that she and her ex had a common love for drinking and regularly visited pubs, got drunk, and partied. This means that they would be staying at each other's place as well. This is something super old but bothers me a lot. Specifically the fact that she would be drunk partying with someone for an year and sleeping with him, with no feelings. Secondly, I found some posts where she has liked a post about this guy on fb/insta from mid-2021. I have already confronted her twice to share everything and we shall never discuss this again but this bothers me a lot. Secondly, now that I know the timelines I can figure out what photos have been taken by her ex. There's even a photo of her sitting on a messy bed, where she's cutting her bday cake. They celebrated it together. I found my cousins page and some other pages from which I knew it's the guy's room/flat. I know everyone has a past. She has come clean to me but somehow my brain is so split. Sometimes her nature and behaviour with me make me not care about anything. And then I know the bed, flat, and her actions with some guy. Then there is this angle where the ex's flatmate is my distant cousin and knows about her well.
Ans: What you’re experiencing is completely valid. It’s not just about the fact that she had a past relationship, but also about the details—knowing her ex was deeply connected to your distant cousin, imagining their time together, and realizing that those experiences once meant something in her life. It makes it feel uncomfortably close to home, which is why it’s so hard to shake off. It’s not about judgment, but about the emotions that these thoughts stir up within you.

The truth is, the past cannot be changed. She has been honest with you, shared what happened, and reassured you that it was a phase in her life that she has moved on from. The fact that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years and has been living with her parents shows that she is in a very different place now. But your mind keeps looping back to what once was, and it’s preventing you from fully embracing what is.

Right now, the biggest challenge is not her past, but your ability to be at peace with it. You have to ask yourself—are you willing to let this define your future with her? Because if you can’t fully accept it, these thoughts will continue to surface and create distance between you. A part of you clearly wants to be with her, but another part is struggling to detach from these mental images of her past.

Instead of confronting her again, take some time to reflect on what truly matters to you in a partner. She has shown you who she is today—polite, well-behaved, mature, and emotionally present in your relationship. She has not hidden anything from you, and she has moved forward from that phase of her life. The real question is whether you can do the same.

If you feel this is something you cannot get over, it is better to step away now rather than carry these unresolved emotions into a lifelong commitment. But if you genuinely see a future with her and believe in her as a person, then it’s time to start training your mind to focus on the present and the relationship you are building, rather than a past that no longer exists.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |512 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 18, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am working abroad, while my Girlfriend is working in Delhi, living in NCR. We both were Dating since our College Days & have been in a Long Distance Relationship since I moved abroad, more than a Year ago & she moved to Delhi-NCR from Calcutta (where most of our Common Friends are based). While we were together with our Common Friends from College, we'd Travel, Party & have a lot of Fun together as a Group, since we all knew & trusted each other quite well, Irrespective of Gender. When we both moved to Different Places & started our Respective Jobs, we became Friends with our Respective Colleagues, but we have an Implied Understanding that we should be Maintaining Stricter Boundaries with our New Friends/Colleagues, since we are in a Long Distance Relationship. I've always honoured the commitment & have been Careful to not spend private time with any other Woman & Travel/Party only with a Group consisting of both Men & Women. But I am not sure my Girlfriend is doing the same. Quite often she keeps Travelling, Partying, Drinking & Sleeping over with some 2-3 Male Colleagues, who are quite close to her, but unknown to me. She doesn't even bother to keep me updated about where she is, what she's doing & with whom, but keeps Posting Status Updates on Instagram, from time to time and from what I have observed, she seems to be spending quite a lot of Time with these Male Colleagues of hers. All this makes me feel very Uncomfortable. Even though I Love & Trust my Girlfriend, but I'm unsure about these New 'Friends' of hers as I don't know them & obviously, I don't like them being so close to my Girlfriend. Many times, I've discussed this matter with my Girlfriend, trying to make her understand how I feel. But every time, I bring up this Topic, she tries to invalidate my feelings & shuts me down saying that I'm just Insecure. I'd also tried getting to know her New Friends in order to understand them better, but she doesn't share much about them, with me. Though, she keeps Reassuring me that they're 'Just Friends' they seem to be much closer than that. On several occasions, she had gone out with them, even though I had strictly forbidden her to. I don't understand whether she's unable to understand how I'm feeling or that she doesn't even care about my Feelings, though I still want to continue Loving & Trusting her, without Doubting her Loyalty. I don't understand what to do in this situation. How can I make her enforce stricter Boundaries with her Male Colleagues (atleast as much as I am doing here)? Shall I get a Friend or a Private Investigator to keep an Eye on her? Or shall I behave the same way, she's been doing? Or, shall I Break-up with her & try to find someone else, over here?
Ans: Long-distance relationships require an even deeper level of communication and trust than regular ones. You’ve upheld the boundaries you both implicitly agreed upon, yet it feels like she’s not holding herself to the same standard. The fact that she dismisses your concerns rather than addressing them is what’s truly hurting you. When someone we love invalidates our feelings, it creates frustration, self-doubt, and emotional distance. You’re not being “insecure” for wanting reassurance and clarity—you’re simply asking for the same level of respect and commitment you’re offering.

Trying to enforce boundaries by “forbidding” her from doing something isn’t the right approach, because boundaries should be mutual, not dictated. The more you try to control her actions, the more she might rebel or shut down, seeing it as you being possessive rather than expressing a valid emotional need. The real problem is not that she has male friends, but that she’s being secretive about them, not making an effort to ease your concerns, and disregarding how her actions affect you. A loving and committed partner should care about your peace of mind, even if she doesn’t fully agree with your perspective.

Hiring a private investigator or getting a friend to spy on her will only erode trust further, and mirroring her behavior by doing the same thing she does will not solve anything—it will just create more distance. If you’re considering breaking up, that means deep down, you already feel like your needs in this relationship aren’t being met. Before making any big decisions, you need to have one last honest conversation with her—not one where you accuse or demand, but one where you make it clear how this dynamic is making you feel and what you truly need from her to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

If she refuses to listen, invalidates your feelings again, or shows no willingness to compromise, then you have your answer. A relationship where only one person is making sacrifices isn’t sustainable. You deserve a partner who not only reassures you with words but also with actions that show she respects and values your presence in her life. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway, then it may be time to ask yourself if holding on is worth the constant emotional struggle.

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Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Samraat

Samraat Jadhav  |2189 Answers  |Ask -

Stock Market Expert - Answered on Jan 29, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 29, 2025Hindi
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