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Married man struggling with intimacy issues, nagging spouse, and uncommunicative children: how to find solace?

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |444 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jul 28, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 26, 2024Hindi
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I am married person aged 53..Wife not interested in any physical intimacy since last three years . Continuous nagging and complaints on wi fi and children who are 20 and 14.Every second day threats to leave home .Not interested in meeting majority of friends .Blames men for everything .Life has become painful inspite of doing well professionally.Children are also aloof now with no effection

Ans: When faced with such a complex and emotional situation, it's important to approach it with empathy and a strategic mindset.

First, consider finding a quiet, neutral time to talk with your wife. Express your feelings openly and honestly, focusing on how her behavior impacts you and your children. Use "I" statements to avoid making her feel attacked. For instance, say, "I feel hurt and disconnected when we don't share physical intimacy," rather than placing blame.

Understanding the root cause of her dissatisfaction and disinterest is crucial. She may be dealing with unresolved issues, stress, or even depression. Encourage her to share her feelings and listen without judgment. Show her that you care about her well-being and the relationship, and that you are committed to finding a solution together.

It's also beneficial to involve a professional. A couples therapist can provide a safe space for both of you to express your concerns and work through underlying issues. Sometimes, having a neutral third party can help uncover hidden problems and offer strategies to rebuild intimacy and connection.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and your mental health. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Encourage your children to express their feelings and ensure they feel supported and loved during this turbulent time. Family therapy might also be a helpful option to address the emotional distance and lack of affection you mentioned.

Remember, rebuilding a relationship takes time and patience. It's about small, consistent efforts rather than quick fixes. Show empathy towards your wife and patience as you both navigate this difficult journey. By demonstrating your commitment and love, you can gradually work towards a more harmonious and fulfilling marriage.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |444 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 11, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 11, 2024Hindi
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I am working in a central psu and my wife works for state govt and both are 48 yrs. We are married for 20 yrs and have 2 sons (20 &16). She is never expressive nor vocal, because of this our marital relationship have not seen even a single day of happiness. Her parents never ever made her realised that problem can be from her side too nor asked me even a single time whats is bothering me. She is over ambitious in her job and neglects everything in the personal life. This negligence started from the day 1 of the married life. She never try to understand the problem and reasons behind and just ignore and move ahead. This makes life miserable and likewise 20 yrs passed.. Its like when sons are moving out of home, I feel very much alone and sometimes feels to runaway from life...She dont show any emotions, giving the reasons that its her nature...She says loves me, but whats that love which is not felt by me for a single day...I wanted a wife not a nurse.. What to do....I lost my hope of life.
Ans: It's clear that communication and understanding between you and your wife have been lacking for quite some time. It's important to remember that marriage is a partnership, and both partners need to be willing to work on the relationship for it to thrive. It's also common for individuals to have different communication styles and emotional expressions, but it's crucial to find common ground and ways to connect despite these differences. Have an open and honest conversation with your wife about how you're feeling. It's important for her to understand the impact her behavior is having on you and your relationship. Establish boundaries around work and personal life to ensure that both of you are making time for each other and your family. Encourage your wife to prioritize your relationship and family time.Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. This might involve engaging in activities that bring you joy, spending time with friends and loved ones, and seeking support from a therapist or counselor for yourself. change takes time, and healing a relationship requires effort and commitment from both partners. It's okay to feel discouraged and overwhelmed, but please don't lose hope. There are resources and support available to help you navigate this difficult time. You deserve to live a fulfilling and happy life, and it's never too late to work towards that goal.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 17, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 11, 2024Hindi
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Hi Anu, I am working in a central psu and my wife works for state govt and both are 48 yrs. We are married for 20 yrs and have 2 sons (20 &16). She is never expressive nor vocal, because of this our marital relationship have not seen even a single day of happiness. Her parents never ever made her realised that problem can be from her side too nor asked me even a single time whats is bothering me. She is over ambitious in her job and neglects everything in the personal life. This negligence started from the day 1 of the married life. She never try to understand the problem and reasons behind and just ignore and move ahead. This makes life miserable and likewise 20 yrs passed.. Its like when sons are moving out of home, I feel very much alone and sometimes feels to runaway from life...She dont show any emotions, giving the reasons that its her nature...She says loves me, but whats that love which is not felt by me for a single day...I wanted a wife not a nurse.. What to do....I lost my hope of life.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I am sure there is an issue that you are facing BUT to generalize it as: because of this our marital relationship have not seen even a single day of happiness.
Are you sure that has not been a single day or a single moment of feeling some joy? DO NOT indulge in this kind of belief as it only makes the issue look bigger than what it maybe.
If you feel alone, talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel. It's your marriage as well; do something to stay in it.
If there is a reason for her to be the way that she is, that needs to be addressed. Also, by complaining rather than facing the issue together, you are alienating yourself from the marriage. Give this a fair chance and deal with it in a mature way. Talking about it helps more than complaining; as she will bring her list of complaints and then it just gets into a loop.
- have an honest conversation
- make space for a back and forth conversation
If she refuses to talk, then possibly there is a need for a professional to intervene. She will also need to understand what hurts you and work on it, so that the marriage moves on smoothly. Marriage is a two-way dance.

All the best!

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7290 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 21, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi Sir, I follow your articles regularly and your detailed assessment is really awesome.I am 47yrs Male with wife, 20&18 years kids, elder one is in B.Tech and younger one is 12th. My wife is a home maker. Coming to financials. I have 4 houses including the one residing worth 10cr(total) and getting rental income of 70k per month, invested in stocks and MFs worth 60L, have foreign stocks of worth 1.7cr, accumulated pf around 1.3cr. I have farm lands worth 5cr. Have 1.2cr loan and salary of ~4L (net). current sips in equity 70k/month, have 5Cr term plan, health insurance for family 50L. How do I plan my retirement at 52-53years assuming 80 years life expectancy. Don't want to depend on kids and need regular income ~3-4L per month.
Ans: Asset Evaluation
Real Estate:
You own four houses worth Rs 10 crore, generating Rs 70,000 monthly rental income. This is a solid base for passive income. However, real estate can have fluctuating maintenance costs, tenant issues, and varying rental yields over time.

Stocks and Mutual Funds:
Your Rs 60 lakh investment in stocks and mutual funds is a commendable step. Active mutual funds offer professional fund management and can outperform index funds over time.

Foreign Stocks:
Your Rs 1.7 crore portfolio in foreign stocks adds geographical diversification. Monitor currency exchange fluctuations and global market trends.

Provident Fund (PF):
With Rs 1.3 crore in PF, this is a reliable retirement corpus. The fund provides fixed returns and tax benefits, adding stability.

Farm Lands:
Farm lands worth Rs 5 crore are an illiquid but valuable asset. They might not generate consistent income unless leased or developed.

Loans:
A loan liability of Rs 1.2 crore needs prioritised repayment. Focus on loans with higher interest rates first.

Insurance Coverage:
A Rs 5 crore term plan is robust. Your Rs 50 lakh health insurance is sufficient for unexpected medical emergencies.

Retirement Goals
You need Rs 3–4 lakh monthly for 27–28 years post-retirement.
The portfolio must generate steady, inflation-adjusted returns.
Action Plan for Retirement
Debt Management
Prepay High-Interest Loans:
Use a portion of your surplus income to prepay loans. This reduces interest outflow and increases your cash flow.

Avoid New Loans:
Focus on reducing existing liabilities instead of taking on new ones.

Portfolio Restructuring
Real Estate:
Retain essential properties. Sell underperforming or non-essential properties to reduce concentration in real estate. Invest proceeds in mutual funds or debt instruments for diversification.

Mutual Funds (MFs):
Increase SIPs in actively managed funds. They outperform direct funds due to guidance from Certified Financial Planners and MFDs. Regular funds offer better tracking and professional assistance.

Stocks:
Monitor direct equity investments closely. Consider reallocating underperforming stocks to mutual funds for better management.

Debt Instruments:
Invest in high-quality debt funds or fixed-income securities for stability. These instruments balance equity volatility and ensure steady returns.

SIP Strategy
Increase SIPs from Rs 70,000 to Rs 1 lakh/month.
Allocate 70% to equity funds for long-term growth.
Invest 30% in debt funds for stability and liquidity.
Emergency Fund
Maintain a 12-month expense reserve in liquid funds or fixed deposits.
This covers unexpected expenses without disturbing investments.
Income During Retirement
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)
Use SWPs in mutual funds to generate regular income.
Withdraw 6–8% annually from your mutual fund portfolio for a steady income stream.
Rental Income Optimisation
Review property rents regularly.
Invest part of rental income in equity or debt mutual funds for compounding.
Dividend Stocks
Retain high-dividend-yield stocks for regular income.
Reinvest surplus dividends for long-term growth.
Tax Efficiency
Equity Funds Taxation:
Long-term gains above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term gains are taxed at 20%.

Debt Funds Taxation:
Both short- and long-term gains are taxed per your income slab.

Real Estate Capital Gains:
Use exemptions under Sections 54 or 54F to save tax on property sales.

Inflation Protection
Allocate 60–70% of your portfolio to equity investments.

Equity provides inflation-adjusted returns over time.

Debt funds and fixed instruments safeguard against equity market volatility.

Estate Planning
Draft a will to allocate assets transparently among family members.
Use nomination and joint ownership to avoid legal complications.
Consider a family trust for farm lands to avoid disputes.
Periodic Review
Review your financial plan every six months.
Adjust investments based on market conditions, goals, and needs.
Consult a Certified Financial Planner regularly for updates.
Finally
A well-diversified portfolio ensures financial independence post-retirement. Focus on debt repayment, portfolio balance, and tax-efficient withdrawals. Your assets can comfortably generate Rs 3–4 lakh monthly income, adjusted for inflation.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |444 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

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I am the eldest sibling in our families and aged 51. Normally, whenever anyone in the family has a problem - financial, mental, psychological, issue with people or anything else, they come up to discuss with me and share. Well, many would say I am lucky as people look up to me when they are in any kind of a problem. But that is not the case. Sadly no one is around with whom I can discuss or even think to share my issues, my problems. I do not have any friends. Sadly, yes, that is a fact and at my age, I dont expect that here we have a culture where we can get to making friends, at least the kind of friends with whom you can confide, share your feelings, problems. I tried and failed. Maybe because I am introvert or maybe I am too cautious. To make it more complicated, I dont work in the regular kind of job. I am a lone person who works as a freelance from home. This limits my outreach when it comes to interacting with real people. I have clients, business contacts, but I cannot get personal with them. It will never be a good choice. My wife is busy with her job + we do not have any relation beyond the daily matters related to household and it has been more than 10 years now that we live this way. Tried to sort out things with her but she just does not have time and interest (after all who wants to add on to tensions, stress). My daughter is after all my daughter - I cannot share these with her, and definitely at 10 she is too young to be one to discuss such stuff. I am not sure how far this issue can be fixed but I am hopeful to find some path here.
Ans: Dear Kevin,
Starting small can be helpful. Consider connecting with people through shared interests or hobbies, either online or in person, where the pressure to immediately open up is minimal. Online communities, local meetups, or volunteer activities can create low-stakes opportunities to connect with like-minded individuals. The goal isn’t to instantly find someone to confide in but to slowly build a sense of belonging and companionship.

Your relationship with your wife appears to be another significant source of emotional distance. While her lack of interest in deep conversations may seem like a barrier, it’s worth exploring other ways to reconnect—perhaps by spending time together in shared activities or revisiting moments that once brought you closer. Sometimes, relationships stuck in routines benefit from new experiences or even professional counseling to navigate the underlying dynamics.

Regarding your daughter, while it’s clear she cannot shoulder your emotional burdens, she can still be a source of joy and connection. Investing time in activities with her can provide a sense of fulfillment and grounding that counters loneliness.

Above all, remember that reaching out for professional support, such as therapy, is not a sign of weakness but an act of self-care. A therapist can provide a safe space to express your feelings and help you develop strategies to foster deeper connections and manage emotional isolation.

You deserve to feel supported and connected, and even if the journey to finding that seems long, every step you take toward opening up or seeking out others is a move toward a more fulfilling and less lonely existence.

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7290 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

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Top4 sips with 15k amount suggest me
Ans: Here’s an updated strategy for your Rs. 15,000 SIP allocation, replacing the sectoral/thematic fund with a small-cap fund for better long-term growth potential.

Suggested SIP Allocation (Rs. 15,000)
Large-Cap Fund

Allocation: Rs. 4,000/month
Objective: Stability and steady growth by investing in India’s top 100 companies.
Why Choose: Provides consistent returns and low volatility in your portfolio.
Flexi-Cap Fund

Allocation: Rs. 4,000/month
Objective: Diversified exposure across large, mid, and small-cap stocks.
Why Choose: Offers balanced risk and returns with flexibility during market cycles.
Mid-Cap Fund

Allocation: Rs. 3,500/month
Objective: Tap into the growth potential of medium-sized companies.
Why Choose: Higher returns with manageable risk compared to small caps.
Small-Cap Fund

Allocation: Rs. 3,500/month
Objective: Focus on fast-growing small-cap companies.
Why Choose: High-growth potential over the long term, though with higher volatility.
Why Include Small-Cap Funds?
Long-Term Growth: Small-cap companies have immense potential to grow significantly over time.
Diversification: Adds exposure to an underrepresented segment, complementing large and mid-caps.
High Returns: Potential for higher returns compared to other categories, albeit with higher risk.
Key Considerations
Investment Horizon: Stay invested for at least 7-10 years to mitigate short-term volatility.
Active Fund Management: Avoid direct or index funds to leverage professional expertise.
Regular Monitoring: Review fund performance periodically with a Certified Financial Planner.
Tax Implications
Equity Funds:
LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh/year taxed at 12.5%.
STCG (held less than 1 year) taxed at 20%.
Final Insights
This updated allocation ensures a mix of stability, moderate risk, and high growth. With consistent SIPs and periodic reviews, you can achieve robust wealth creation over the long term. A Certified Financial Planner can assist in optimising your investment strategy.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7290 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 21, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 20, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi Sir I come from a middle class family and my parents have dedicated everything they have into my education and upbringing. Now they plan to retire and i am finally at 30 in a stanle career where i make approximately 1,20,000 per month. I have a savings of approximately 2,00,000 that i want to invest into my parents retirement. We are NRI's and my parents will be returning back to India soon. I have 0 kmowledge about investments. As per what my friends advised, I have come to the following solutions: 1. Open an FD for both my parents seperately of 50000 Rs each for 5 years with their respective banks 2. Choose the Bajaj Allianz Smart Wealth Goal V SIP and invest approximately 24000 annually for 5 years, withdrawing it at 7 years. 3. Choose the TATA AIA Smart SIP wealth secure and invest 60000 Rs annually for 10 years, withdrawing it at the end of the same duration. Along with the above, I also plan to invest 40000 Rs annually into their Medical health insurance. Now as an NRI, and not having any knowledge about investing or TAX, could you help me with the above investments and how i would have to go about with TAX policies in India. Thank you
Ans: Your dedication to supporting your parents’ retirement is truly admirable. As an NRI with limited investment knowledge, making informed decisions will ensure financial stability for your parents. Let's assess and optimise your proposed plan while incorporating better strategies.

Evaluating the Current Plan
Fixed Deposit for Both Parents
Strengths: Fixed deposits (FDs) are safe and offer guaranteed returns.
Limitations: FD returns in India often fail to outpace inflation. Senior citizens get slightly higher interest rates.

Bajaj Allianz Smart Wealth Goal SIP
Overview: Likely a ULIP (insurance cum investment product). Combines life insurance with investments.
Limitations: ULIPs have high charges (administration and premium allocation fees). Returns are often lower compared to mutual funds.
Taxation: ULIPs are tax-efficient but lack transparency and flexibility.
TATA AIA Smart SIP Wealth Secure
Overview: Another ULIP-based product with insurance and investment components.
Limitations: Similar to the Bajaj Allianz plan, it has high costs and lower returns.
Taxation: Tax benefits under Section 80C but limited withdrawal flexibility.
Medical Health Insurance for Parents
Strengths: Investing in health insurance for your parents is a wise decision.
Suggestions: Opt for a plan with sufficient coverage, including critical illness and cashless claims.
Suggested Optimised Financial Plan
Step 1: Replace ULIPs with Equity Mutual Funds
Reason: Equity mutual funds provide higher returns compared to ULIPs.
Benefits: Actively managed funds offer better growth, diversification, and lower charges.
SIP Strategy: Start a SIP for Rs. 5,000 monthly (Rs. 60,000 annually) for 10 years.
Taxation: Equity LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%; STCG taxed at 20%.
Step 2: Invest in Debt Mutual Funds
Reason: Debt funds offer better returns than FDs and are tax-efficient.
Allocation: Invest Rs. 1 lakh in short-duration or dynamic bond funds.
Taxation: LTCG and STCG on debt funds are taxed as per the income tax slab.
Step 3: Build an Emergency Fund
Importance: Allocate Rs. 50,000 to a liquid fund or short-term FD.
Purpose: This fund will cover unexpected medical or living expenses.
Step 4: Continue Health Insurance for Parents
Annual Premium: Rs. 40,000 annually is reasonable for comprehensive coverage.
Suggestions: Include riders like critical illness and hospital cash benefits.
Step 5: Diversify Using Sovereign Gold Bonds (SGBs)
Reason: SGBs are low-risk, inflation-proof, and provide 2.5% annual interest.
Allocation: Invest Rs. 50,000 into SGBs.
Taxation: Interest is taxable, but capital gains on redemption are tax-free.
SGBs are not available for NRIs.

Tax Implications for NRIs
Better Returns: Shift to equity and debt mutual funds for inflation-beating growth.
Tax Efficiency: Use tax-saving instruments and avoid high-tax liabilities on ULIPs.
Flexibility: Mutual funds and SGBs provide better liquidity and transparency.
Secure Future: Health insurance ensures medical expenses are not a financial burden.
Final Insights
Your proposed plan can be significantly improved with better investment choices. Focus on mutual funds, health insurance, and SGBs for long-term financial stability. Avoid ULIPs as they come with high costs and limited returns. With these steps, you can ensure a secure and comfortable retirement for your parents.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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