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Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 09, 2022

Love Guru has been answering relationship and romance related questions on Rediff.com for over 13 years. She won't mince words when telling you what the problem is and what you can do about it. If you want a fresh perspective from an unbiased, objective-thinking individual about your relationship woes, Love Guru could just be the person you need to need to hear from.... more
Anonymous Question by Anonymous on Sep 09, 2022Hindi
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Relationship

Hi.
Myself 43 years old man from Guwahati. l mistook my young sister in law of 21 years sleeping on my bed in my wife's night dress with lights off as my wife last December when l returned from office and my wife was out to the tailors shop. Unknowingly I took her to be my wife and forced myself to lip kiss her only to find her screaming to leave her. l am hell scared now if she tells everyone no one will understand me but she is silent till now and also staying with us. l am very confused and disturbed. please help.

Ans:

I really hope that you're telling the truth here, because your story sounds very suspect. It's one thing to mistake a sleeping figure, but you surely can't have not seen that it was your sister-in-law when you tried to kiss her on the lips!

Anyway, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt; and it obviously can't be that bad because, nine months later, she's still living with you both.

If you haven't made a move in her direction since then, she probably realises that you made an honest mistake.

When you get a moment alone with her, please bring to her notice why you thought it was your wife and apologise for the inadvertent misbehaviour.

I'm sure she'll accept your apology and you can move on from this awkward episode.

And if you're really so worried that despite that she may tell on you, tell your wife the truth. She may get annoyed, but it'll be better than her hearing about it from her sister for sure.

 

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I am 40 year old and married for 14 years but what happened in 2011 was me n my wife was working in a same company and my wife became close to a colleague on the same floor we work. She was very friendly n one day her colleague proposed her via her friend my wife didn't tell me n she felt very excited about it and after she became very friendly with him after few days she was ignoring me and she expressed her feelings too.but soon she realised she is going wrong and i noticed her changed behaviour and soon she started ignoring tht guy but he came n offered her chocolate and my wife informed me saying this guy's intentions I ask her to tie raakhi she tried but he was running away later we logged out she asked me to stop him and I forced him to him to tie raakhi and my wife was tying and he said I love u. I gve a tight slap to tht guy. Soon after he left the job. We were still working and left the office n joined different companies.after 6 months she went to same office for 2 months. And suddenly she left the job.Now after 12 years her TL met with my ex colleague and shared he working in tht office my colleague asked hey in tht same office my friend was working with his wife and her TL said ohh yeah his wife had n affair with other guy and he asked his wife to raakhi. And my ex colleague called me n said the same to me and since then I have so many doubts on my wife and after few days she confessed she had feelings for him and she already knew he likes her and she said it was just a feeling. Now we are having difference between us. Please help what can be done now I'm getting disturbed alot. 12 years this was secret.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I am sorry to hear that you are facing such issues. Doubt is very destructive in a relationship. It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner regarding what happened in the past. Don't push her to give you all the details; it will not contribute positively to your well-being. Aim for a more balanced and productive discussion.

You have to recognize that all these happened many years back. It's in the past. And you cannot change it. While it's essential to acknowledge and understand them, dwelling on them may impact your peace of mind. Focus on the present and try to build a more transparent and communicative relationship in the present. Take this opportunity to work together and strengthen your marriage.

Best Wishes!

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Asked by Anonymous - May 05, 2024Hindi
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Hello Ma'am, hope you're doing good. My problem is that something happened with me and I have started questioning my marriage. I and my wife are married 12 years ago after a lot of struggle as her parents were not ready because of our different caste and religion. Later we got married with their blessings. she is a very nice woman. After marriage, my business started going well and we're financially very well. We live with my parents and our two kids. Everything was going fine (obviously we do fight) until I met my business partner's sister who is a divorcee and I didn't know how but I started feeling attraction towards her. Recently, I dreamt of cheating on my wife with her. Since I am not able to hold proper eye contact with my wife and even I have started questioning my love for my wife. Has it ended ? I am very tensed since then.
Ans: It's normal to feel conflicted and unsure when you start experiencing attraction towards someone outside of your marriage. However, it's important to remember that attraction alone doesn't necessarily mean that your love for your wife has ended.

Before jumping to conclusions or making any drastic decisions, it might be helpful to take some time to reflect on your feelings and the reasons behind them. Ask yourself questions like: What specifically attracted me to this other person? Are there any underlying issues in my marriage that might be contributing to these feelings? Am I feeling unfulfilled or disconnected from my wife in any way?

It could also be beneficial to have open and honest communication with your wife about what you're going through. Sharing your feelings with her, even if they're difficult, can help strengthen your bond and provide clarity for both of you. Remember to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding, and be prepared to listen to her perspective as well.

Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can also be incredibly helpful in navigating these complex emotions and making decisions that are best for you and your family. They can provide you with guidance, perspective, and strategies for coping with your feelings in a healthy way.

Ultimately, it's important to prioritize honesty, communication, and empathy in your relationship, and to take the time to explore your feelings and needs before making any decisions about your marriage.

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I am 45 male married with a cute 4 year old son.Arranged marriage and wife is a teacher.Recently in the absence of my wife and son her younger sister aged 30 and married was sleeping in my bedroom wearing my wife's clothes.After returning from office i mistook her in the dark bedroom to be my wife and lip kissed her.She didn't resist which tempted me for intercourse.Now she is saying I ruined her life.I have lost sleep fearing legal action and what if she tells everyone in the family.Please help.
Ans: This is a complex and delicate situation, and the first step is to take responsibility for what happened. It seems that what started as a misunderstanding led to a situation that has spiraled out of control, and now both of you are facing the emotional and moral consequences.

Your sister-in-law's reaction, feeling that her life has been ruined, indicates deep distress, and it’s important to approach this with empathy. Apologize sincerely to her, acknowledging the mistake and the harm caused. Let her express her feelings, and be prepared to listen without defending yourself. You should make it clear that you are willing to do whatever it takes to correct the situation, even if that means keeping the matter private and ensuring that it never happens again.

As for the fear of legal action, it's understandable that you're anxious, but it’s essential to remain calm. It may help to have an open and respectful conversation with your sister-in-law to understand what she wants moving forward. If she feels betrayed or wronged, consider suggesting mediation or counseling, where a neutral third party can help resolve the situation.

Whatever happens next, it’s crucial to maintain honesty and integrity in your marriage. This experience may bring up feelings of guilt and anxiety, but how you handle it from here will shape the future. Seek legal advice if you're genuinely concerned about legal consequences, but focus on rebuilding trust and ensuring such a situation never happens again.

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