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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 28, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Feb 24, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Hello ma'am, I am a 17 year old girl feeling vulnerable and angry at times to the point that i end up breaking things and this affects my relationship with my parents. I feel very lonely most of the time....especially when i see other people chilling with their friends. Please help.

Ans: it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and lonely, especially when you see others enjoying social connections. Here are some suggestions that may help you manage your feelings of anger, loneliness, and vulnerability:Find healthy ways to express your emotions. Instead of breaking things, try journaling, drawing, or talking to someone you trust about how you're feeling. Be kind to yourself and recognize that it's okay to feel the way you do. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer to a friend in a similar situation.Reach out to someone you trust, whether it's a friend, family member, teacher, or school counselor. Talking to someone about how you're feeling can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and provide support. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether it's pursuing a hobby, volunteering, or joining a club or group where you can meet like-minded individuals. Consider seeking therapy or counseling to help you learn coping skills and strategies for managing your emotions in healthier ways. A therapist can also provide a supportive and non-judgmental space for you to explore your feelings and experiences. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing exercises and meditation, can help you stay grounded and present in the moment, reducing feelings of anger and vulnerability. If certain situations or relationships are contributing to your feelings of anger and loneliness, it's important to set boundaries to protect your well-being. This might involve limiting contact with certain people or seeking support to address challenging family dynamics.Take care of your physical and emotional needs by prioritizing self-care activities such as getting enough sleep, eating healthily, and engaging in regular exercise.Practice identifying and challenging negative thought patterns that contribute to your feelings of loneliness and anger. Replace them with more balanced and compassionate thoughts. Healing and personal growth take time, so be patient with yourself as you navigate through this difficult period. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and remember that you're not alone in your struggles.
It's okay to ask for help, and reaching out for support is a courageous step toward healing and well-being. You deserve to feel supported and connected, and there are people and resources available to help you through this challenging time.

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1402 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

Relationship
Hello Dear Anu Ma'am,I wish to remain anonymous as my family reads this page too.I'm 25 years old and work for a multinational IT giant. I don't earn much but I'm happy with my job. I'm a workaholic and I don't mind working for even 16-17 hours a day (just to keep myself sane). My parents are highly educated, have good jobs, are caring and do EVERYTHING for me physically. But there is no such thing as love or emotion in my house. I have never known the meaning of happiness and love. Everything looks normal on the outside, but inside my dad does not treat my mom well, he always makes fun of her and disrespects her. He is cold and distant from me as well. I don't even remember the last time things were alright at home. Sometimes he even abuses my mom physically and because of this, she left her reputable job and now stays at home. My brother and I have stopped talking to my dad fully. I have been in a relationship with multiple men (including a married man) but was never actually interested in them. They all got frustrated with my behaviour after a few months and the relationships ended. I never understood why I keep on getting into relationships when I never like them. I never understood why I can't say no to someone. I am a people pleaser. I cannot stand up for myself and I have zero self-confidence. All my so-called ex-boyfriends manipulated me for sex and I kept thinking it was love. I lose interest the moment they talk about sex. I always used to wonder why I am not like other girls - they are confident, they can say no to a guy they don't like, they make the right decisions, they have female friends but I don't have any. I used to think why only I am weird. My mom also likes my brother more and does not treat me that nicely. Although she is nice to me most of the time, she keeps on mocking and belittling me like good girls are like plants and nature.. I have never seen you in our garden. This shows what kind of a girl you are, you're useless, you're good for nothing. I feel like slapping you all the time, your face is like that, anyone would want to slap you and many more such things. It confuses me. I still don't understand if my parents love me or not. My brother is on my mom's side. He never treats me well or respects me. My mind is always in a state of confusion and fear. I keep getting into embarrassing situations because of my low self-confidence and inability to say NO.I recently realised I am like this because of my father, after reading an article on absent father and how it affects daughters - from there I got to know that when a father doesn't love his daughter, she becomes promiscuous and has very low self-confidence. I cried for hours after reading it. I was shocked and even more traumatized because I thought parents were supposed to love their children. But it gave me some relief that all this is not my fault. Now, I have stopped blaming my parents for the way I am (even if they are the cause) and I've decided to improve my life by distancing myself from them. I have made up my mind and I can see some changes in myself. But I still can't say no very loudly and clearly. I say it in a low voice and hesitantly, so people take advantage of me. I strongly believe that I will learn to say no. I am determined. That said, the main problem now is - there is immense grief, guilt and shame in my mind which I'm not able to get out. I feel terrible about myself all the time, like I'm a cheap, characterless woman. I know that is not actually my personality but I still have such thoughts. I even tried therapy but it has not helped much. Can you please help me ma'am?
Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

Isn’t it about time you started to create your own life which is free from all the toxicity?

Sometimes as hard as it maybe, it is necessary to free yourself from the old and embrace the new; especially if the old is making you stuck and unhappy.

From what you have mentioned, your parents and brother seem to be in their own world of misery, and you surely are not the cause but you are no victim either.

You are 25 and you are earning and even if isn’t much, I wonder why you are still living under the same roof to put yourself through so much of pain.

Your job in life is not to ‘fix’ anyone even if it is family. But it is to wander on your path and create the life that you want.

Who knows once you are on your own, they might appreciate you for who you are. It is known that emotional neglect can show up as relationship challenges in children when they are ready for a partner or a relationship.

But does it help knowing all this?

Can you change the past? Can you change your parents?

If NO, then focus on changing the way you are responding to the situation.

Are you playing the victim who wants to dwell on the miseries, or do you want to play the enabler who disrupts the situation by taking charge?

Easier said than done; but once you decide to enable yourself, life takes a huge turn for the better. So, do it…

Let this be about YOU and no one else. Relationships can wait till you are on your own and making strong decisions.

For now, take that first step towards your freedom and that free life. You can do this!

Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1402 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 20, 2022

Relationship
Hello Dear Anu Ma'am,I wish to remain anonymous as my family reads this page too.I'm 25 years old and work for a multinational IT giant. I don't earn much but I'm happy with my job. I'm a workaholic and I don't mind working for even 16-17 hours a day just to keep myself sane.My parents are highly educated, have good jobs, are caring and do EVERYTHING for me physically. But, there is no such thing as 'love' or 'emotion' in my house. I have never known the meaning of happiness and love.Everything looks normal on the outside, but inside my dad does not treat my mom well, he always makes fun of her and disrespects her. He is cold and distant from me as well. I don't even remember the last time things were alright at home. Sometimes he even abuses my mom physically and because of this, she left her reputable job and now stays at home. My brother and I have stopped talking to my dad fully.I have been in a relationship with multiple men, including a married man, but was never actually interested in them. They all got frustrated with my behaviour after a few months and the relationships ended. I never understood why I keep on getting into relationships when I never like them. I never understood why I can't say no to someone. I am a people pleaser. I cannot stand up for myself and I have zero self confidence. All my so-called ex-boyfriends manipulated me for sex and I kept thinking it was love. I lose interest the moment they talk about sex.I always used to wonder why I am not like other girls -- they are confident, they can say no to a guy they don't like, they make the right decisions, they have female friends but I don't have any. I used to think why only I am weird.My mom also likes my brother more and does not treat me that nicely. Although she is nice to me most of the time, she keeps on mocking and belittling me like 'good girls like plants and nature.. I have never seen you in our garden. This shows what kind of a girl you are, you're useless, you're good for nothing. I feel like slapping you all the time, your face is like that, anyone would want to slap you and many more such things. It confuses me. I still don't understand if my parents love me or not. My brother is on my mom's side. He never treats me well or respects me. My mind is always in a state of confusion and fear.I keep getting into embarrassing situations because of my low self confidence and inability to say NO.I recently realised I am like this because of my father, after reading an article on 'absent father and how it affects daughters', I got to know that when a father doesn't love his daughter, she becomes promiscuous and has very low self confidence. I cried for hours after reading it. I was shocked and even more traumatised because i thought parents were supposed to love their children.But it gave me some relief that all this is not my fault.Now, I have stopped blaming my parents for the way I am (even if they are the cause) and I've decided to improve my life by distancing myself from them.I have made up my mind and I can see some changes in myself. But I still can't say no very loudly and clearly. I say it in a low voice and hesitantly, so people take advantage of me. I strongly believe that I will learn to say no. I am determined.That said, the main problem now is - there is immense grief, guilt and shame in my mind which I'm not able to get out. I feel terrible about myself all the time, like I'm a cheap, characterless woman. I know that is not actually my personality but I still have such thoughts. I even tried therapy but it has not helped much.Can you please help me ma'am?
Ans:

Dear SS,

Well, there is a neat pattern playing out in your family system.

The women in the house don’t stand up for themselves and the men act like they are entitled to the point of disrespecting and making the women submit to them.

You can see how this is playing out in you and your mother and in your father and your brother or even the way your mother treats you and your brother differently. Very neat gender-divide and gender inequality under the roof of a family system.

This is how emotional states in a growing child who is at the receiving end get eroded to a point that they grow up to make poor choices with regard to their life partner or that growing child who is entitled to act like they need to have it all.

Both are not healthy and when they co-exist in the same house, you can see for yourself what is happening.

It is most certain that your choice of men and to maintain boundaries with them does have a lot to do with the relationship between you and your father. But what’s happened, has; you can’t change the past and keep playing the victim.

Instead, lay out how your life could change for the better if you took charge of it and stepped up.

Call the shots beyond all the blaming and move on. It isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible too!

Work with a therapist who can not only empathise but also is someone who can take you off the victim mode and who enables you to TAKE CHARGE! Your choices create your life…

Best wishes!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1402 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 07, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
i am going through lot of depression and anxiety. It has made me violent. i feel like killing my father . he has done 2nd marriage and has kept no assets/property for me. I am worried someday i will take law in my hand and will be behind bars or may get injured in the fight. I am 41. From last 13 years staying away from family and living on my own. Presently my health is also not well, going through lot of mental and physical illness.after thinking about the future, I think I will be on streets in future and the reason is my *b**as**rd father. Please advise how do i control my anger and depression.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Focus on what you can control and manage and in your case, it's your anger.
It is destroying you and eating away your peace of mind.

Can you change the way your father is?
Is he going to transfer his property to you?
Why should he transfer what he has earned to you?
Are you not capable of standing on your feet?
What will you get by taking law in your own hands other than have a case against your name?
What is all this anger costing you healthwise?

You know the answer to each, but this anger and disappointment within is forcing you to blame your father (even if he solely to blame), but when you can;t do anything to change, that's the time to accept, else it has begun to destroy you.

Kindly work with an expert who can help you channel your anger into something more productive and in the meantime, focus on a lot of physical activities that help displace anger. Also spend time in Nature that helps you calm the mind. And yes, seek professional help NOW!
Best wishes!

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7281 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2024

Money
I am 49 years old working in private sector. Currently, drawing Rs. 1.50 lakhs per month, my investment details. - Lumpsum investment – canara robeco midcap regular – Rs.2 lakhs, union multicap fund –Rs.1 lakh, mahindra Manulife small cap rs.2 lakh; canara robeco multi cap Rs.2.20 lakhs; mahindra Manulife business cycle fund – Rs. 50,000; white oak capital large & mid cap fund – Rs. 100,000; ICICI prudential energy opportunities fund – rs. 100,000 - SIP – HDFC Defence fund – Rs. 10,000; mahindra manulife manufacturing fund – Rs.10000; white oak special opportunities fund 10,000 - FD with HDFC bank – rs. 12,00,000 - LIC – Rs. 10 lakhs My future expenditure, daughters marriage in 3 to 4 years and to purchase house in chennai and to save money for retirement. Please give me advice on how to invest so that I can meet my future demands and have a self-sufficient retirement.
Ans: Assessment of Current Investments
Mutual Funds

Your portfolio has a good mix of midcap, multicap, small-cap, and sectoral funds.
Diversification across different fund categories is appreciable.
However, the allocation to thematic and sectoral funds like defence, manufacturing, and energy is high.
Sectoral funds can be volatile and risky, especially for near-term goals.
Fixed Deposit (FD)

Rs. 12 lakh in FD provides stability and liquidity.
FDs are suitable for short-term needs but offer limited growth potential.
LIC Policy

The LIC policy provides Rs. 10 lakh, likely covering insurance and investment.
Such policies usually yield lower returns than mutual funds.
Future Financial Goals
Daughter’s Marriage (3–4 years)

Allocate funds with a low-risk profile for this goal.
Avoid high exposure to equity for this purpose.
House Purchase in Chennai

Save in instruments that offer both safety and moderate returns.
Flexibility and liquidity are important for this goal.
Retirement Corpus

Focus on long-term equity investments for growth.
Diversify to balance returns and risk.
Proposed Investment Strategy
Short-Term Goals (Daughter’s Marriage and House Purchase)
Utilise Fixed Deposits Wisely

Allocate a portion of your FD for your daughter’s marriage.
Retain some FD for emergency purposes only.
Invest in Debt Mutual Funds

Choose high-quality short-duration or dynamic bond funds.
Debt funds can provide better post-tax returns than FDs.
Keep the money safe and accessible for short-term use.
Avoid Sectoral and Thematic Funds

Shift sectoral fund investments to safer debt-oriented funds.
Sectoral funds are not suitable for short-term goals.
Medium- to Long-Term Goal (Retirement Planning)
Increase SIP in Diversified Equity Funds

Diversify into flexicap, multicap, or large-cap funds.
These funds balance risk and growth for long-term wealth creation.
Reduce Thematic Fund Allocation

Limit exposure to thematic funds to less than 10% of the portfolio.
Reallocate to well-diversified equity funds.
Invest in Hybrid Funds

Include balanced advantage or hybrid equity funds.
These funds reduce volatility while offering equity-like returns.
Consider Equity-Linked Savings Scheme (ELSS)

Invest in ELSS for tax-saving benefits under Section 80C.
ELSS funds also offer long-term growth.
General Recommendations
Review Insurance Policy

Assess if the LIC policy offers adequate life coverage.
If it is a traditional endowment or ULIP, consider surrendering.
Reallocate proceeds to mutual funds for better returns.
Maintain Emergency Fund

Keep 6–12 months’ expenses in a savings account or liquid funds.
This ensures you have liquidity for unforeseen expenses.
Monitor and Rebalance Portfolio

Review your portfolio quarterly or semi-annually.
Rebalance to maintain alignment with your goals.
Focus on Tax Efficiency

Use tax-efficient instruments like ELSS, debt funds, and retirement-focused funds.
Plan withdrawals strategically to reduce tax impact on capital gains.
Retirement Planning Recommendations
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP)

In the future, use SWP from mutual funds for retirement income.
It provides tax efficiency compared to traditional annuities.
Healthcare Planning

Ensure your health insurance coverage is adequate for post-retirement needs.
Increase coverage if necessary to avoid financial strain later.
Invest in Equity for Growth

Continue investing in equities for long-term wealth appreciation.
Equity helps combat inflation effectively over the years.
Final Insights
Your investment portfolio is commendable and diversified. However, some adjustments can improve alignment with your goals. Reduce sectoral exposure and shift towards safer instruments for short-term needs. For retirement, continue SIPs in diversified equity and hybrid funds. Regular monitoring and rebalancing will keep your financial plan on track. With these changes, you can achieve your goals while ensuring a comfortable and self-sufficient retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7281 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 12, 2024Hindi
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Money
Can I utilise my money received by cancelling aggreement of one flat to repay the loan amount for the flat where I am residing?
Ans: Yes, you can use the money received from cancelling the agreement of one flat to repay the loan for the flat where you are residing. This can be a financially prudent decision, especially if the loan carries a high-interest rate. Here’s a detailed analysis to help you decide:

Benefits of Using the Money to Repay Your Loan
Interest Savings

Paying off your home loan early can save significant interest.
The earlier you repay, the more you save on interest due to the reducing balance method.
Debt-Free Living

Being debt-free reduces financial stress.
You free up cash flow that can be allocated to other financial goals.
Guaranteed Returns

Loan repayment offers guaranteed returns equivalent to the interest rate on your loan.
This is often better than the post-tax returns from other investments.
Enhanced Creditworthiness

Paying off a loan improves your credit score.
This is beneficial if you plan to borrow in the future for any purpose.
Factors to Consider Before Repaying the Loan
Prepayment Penalty

Check if your lender imposes a penalty for early repayment.
Most lenders, however, do not charge penalties on floating-rate loans.
Emergency Fund

Ensure you have an adequate emergency fund before using the money to repay the loan.
Ideally, keep 6-12 months of expenses in a savings account or liquid funds.
Opportunity Cost

Compare the potential returns from investing the money against the savings from loan repayment.
If your loan interest rate is lower than potential investment returns, consider investing instead.
Tax Benefits

Home loan interest payments qualify for tax benefits under Section 24(b) of the Income Tax Act.
Principal repayments are eligible under Section 80C.
If you repay the loan, you forgo these benefits, so weigh the impact on your tax planning.
Alternative Approaches
Partial Repayment

Consider making a partial repayment instead of fully paying off the loan.
This reduces the principal while keeping some funds liquid for other opportunities.
Invest for Higher Returns

If your loan interest rate is low, explore investing in mutual funds or other instruments.
Over time, these investments could potentially offer better post-tax returns.
Settle High-Cost Loans First

If you have any other high-interest loans, prioritise repaying those.
Examples include personal loans or credit card debts.
Final Insights
Repaying your home loan with the money from the cancelled flat agreement is a sound decision if your goal is to reduce debt and save on interest. However, consider your overall financial situation, including tax benefits, liquidity needs, and potential investment opportunities. A balanced approach—partly repaying the loan and investing the remaining amount—could offer the best of both worlds. Consulting a Certified Financial Planner can help you tailor the decision to your specific goals and circumstances.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Rajesh Kumar

Rajesh Kumar Singh  |15 Answers  |Ask -

IIT-JEE, GATE Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2024

Harsh

Harsh Bharwani  |64 Answers  |Ask -

Entrepreneurship Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2024

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Career
I'm a Chartered accountant .. recently qualified .I'm interested in start up company with intention of book keeping services .software .pls give me some piece of idea regarding how to begin my book keeping services software ..
Ans: Starting a bookkeeping service powered by your own software is a great way to leverage your skills as a recently qualified chartered accountant. With the growing demand for streamlined accounting solutions, your idea has a lot of potentials. Here's how you can get started effectively:

Understand the market and identify your niche:- You have to start by researching the market to identify the specific needs of small & medium-sized businesses. Because many businesses are struggling with manual accounting or find existing software too complex or expensive. Focus on building a solution that is simple, affordable and addresses their pain points, such as automating invoices, tracking expenses and generating tax reports.

Develop or customize software:- Decide whether to build your software from scratch with the help of a development team or customize an existing platform like QuickBooks or Zoho Books to create a unique product. But make sure your software includes essential features like cloud access, real-time financial tracking, automated reminders, payroll management, and integration with banking systems. Prioritize an intuitive interface so that even non-accountants can use it easily.

Provide flexible and scalable solutions:- Start structuring your services with flexible pricing models, such as tiered subscription plans based on business size and its features. With Offers add-ons such as tax filing assistance, compliance consulting, or financial planning to differentiate yourself from other competitors. A free trial or discounted onboarding package can attract new customers and build trust to convert the audience into customers.

Build a strong brand and online presence:- Start your service as a reliable, tech-enabled bookkeeping solution by emphasizing your credentials as a chartered accountant. You Have to create a professional website with client testimonials, feature highlights and demo videos of your software. Use social media and content marketing to showcase the benefits of your services, such as cost savings, error reduction compliance accuracy and many more. Networking with local businesses and participating in professional forums can also help increase your visibility in the market.

Stay up to date and constantly improve:- Accounting laws and technology are evolving quickly, so keep your software updated with new versions to meet regulatory requirements after getting client feedback. Introduce AI-powered features like predictive analytics or fraud detection to stay ahead of competitors. Engage with your clients regularly to understand their challenges and improve your offerings.

By combining your expertise in accounting with cutting-edge technology, you can create a reliable and scalable bookkeeping solution that not only supports businesses but also establishes you as a leader in this field. Start small, focus on client needs, and let your service grow along with your reputation.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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