Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help

Kanchan Rai |403 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 28, 2024

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 24, 2024Hindi

Hello ma'am, I am a 17 year old girl feeling vulnerable and angry at times to the point that i end up breaking things and this affects my relationship with my parents. I feel very lonely most of the time....especially when i see other people chilling with their friends. Please help.

Ans: it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and lonely, especially when you see others enjoying social connections. Here are some suggestions that may help you manage your feelings of anger, loneliness, and vulnerability:Find healthy ways to express your emotions. Instead of breaking things, try journaling, drawing, or talking to someone you trust about how you're feeling. Be kind to yourself and recognize that it's okay to feel the way you do. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer to a friend in a similar situation.Reach out to someone you trust, whether it's a friend, family member, teacher, or school counselor. Talking to someone about how you're feeling can help alleviate feelings of loneliness and provide support. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether it's pursuing a hobby, volunteering, or joining a club or group where you can meet like-minded individuals. Consider seeking therapy or counseling to help you learn coping skills and strategies for managing your emotions in healthier ways. A therapist can also provide a supportive and non-judgmental space for you to explore your feelings and experiences. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing exercises and meditation, can help you stay grounded and present in the moment, reducing feelings of anger and vulnerability. If certain situations or relationships are contributing to your feelings of anger and loneliness, it's important to set boundaries to protect your well-being. This might involve limiting contact with certain people or seeking support to address challenging family dynamics.Take care of your physical and emotional needs by prioritizing self-care activities such as getting enough sleep, eating healthily, and engaging in regular exercise.Practice identifying and challenging negative thought patterns that contribute to your feelings of loneliness and anger. Replace them with more balanced and compassionate thoughts. Healing and personal growth take time, so be patient with yourself as you navigate through this difficult period. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small, and remember that you're not alone in your struggles.
It's okay to ask for help, and reaching out for support is a courageous step toward healing and well-being. You deserve to feel supported and connected, and there are people and resources available to help you through this challenging time.

RelationshipReply

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Anu Krishna |1293 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Sep 22, 2022

Question by Anonymous - Sep 22, 2022Hindi

Hello Dear Anu Ma'am,I wish to remain anonymous as my family reads this page too.I'm 25 years old and work for a multinational IT giant. I don't earn much but I'm happy with my job. I'm a workaholic and I don't mind working for even 16-17 hours a day (just to keep myself sane). My parents are highly educated, have good jobs, are caring and do EVERYTHING for me physically. But there is no such thing as love or emotion in my house. I have never known the meaning of happiness and love. Everything looks normal on the outside, but inside my dad does not treat my mom well, he always makes fun of her and disrespects her. He is cold and distant from me as well. I don't even remember the last time things were alright at home. Sometimes he even abuses my mom physically and because of this, she left her reputable job and now stays at home. My brother and I have stopped talking to my dad fully. I have been in a relationship with multiple men (including a married man) but was never actually interested in them. They all got frustrated with my behaviour after a few months and the relationships ended. I never understood why I keep on getting into relationships when I never like them. I never understood why I can't say no to someone. I am a people pleaser. I cannot stand up for myself and I have zero self-confidence. All my so-called ex-boyfriends manipulated me for sex and I kept thinking it was love. I lose interest the moment they talk about sex. I always used to wonder why I am not like other girls - they are confident, they can say no to a guy they don't like, they make the right decisions, they have female friends but I don't have any. I used to think why only I am weird. My mom also likes my brother more and does not treat me that nicely. Although she is nice to me most of the time, she keeps on mocking and belittling me like good girls are like plants and nature.. I have never seen you in our garden. This shows what kind of a girl you are, you're useless, you're good for nothing. I feel like slapping you all the time, your face is like that, anyone would want to slap you and many more such things. It confuses me. I still don't understand if my parents love me or not. My brother is on my mom's side. He never treats me well or respects me. My mind is always in a state of confusion and fear. I keep getting into embarrassing situations because of my low self-confidence and inability to say NO.I recently realised I am like this because of my father, after reading an article on absent father and how it affects daughters - from there I got to know that when a father doesn't love his daughter, she becomes promiscuous and has very low self-confidence. I cried for hours after reading it. I was shocked and even more traumatized because I thought parents were supposed to love their children. But it gave me some relief that all this is not my fault. Now, I have stopped blaming my parents for the way I am (even if they are the cause) and I've decided to improve my life by distancing myself from them. I have made up my mind and I can see some changes in myself. But I still can't say no very loudly and clearly. I say it in a low voice and hesitantly, so people take advantage of me. I strongly believe that I will learn to say no. I am determined. That said, the main problem now is - there is immense grief, guilt and shame in my mind which I'm not able to get out. I feel terrible about myself all the time, like I'm a cheap, characterless woman. I know that is not actually my personality but I still have such thoughts. I even tried therapy but it has not helped much. Can you please help me ma'am?

Ans:

Dear Anonymous,

Isn’t it about time you started to create your own life which is free from all the toxicity?

Sometimes as hard as it maybe, it is necessary to free yourself from the old and embrace the new; especially if the old is making you stuck and unhappy.

From what you have mentioned, your parents and brother seem to be in their own world of misery, and you surely are not the cause but you are no victim either.

You are 25 and you are earning and even if isn’t much, I wonder why you are still living under the same roof to put yourself through so much of pain.

Your job in life is not to ‘fix’ anyone even if it is family. But it is to wander on your path and create the life that you want.

Who knows once you are on your own, they might appreciate you for who you are. It is known that emotional neglect can show up as relationship challenges in children when they are ready for a partner or a relationship.

But does it help knowing all this?

Can you change the past? Can you change your parents?

If NO, then focus on changing the way you are responding to the situation.

Are you playing the victim who wants to dwell on the miseries, or do you want to play the enabler who disrupts the situation by taking charge?

Easier said than done; but once you decide to enable yourself, life takes a huge turn for the better. So, do it…

Let this be about YOU and no one else. Relationships can wait till you are on your own and making strong decisions.

For now, take that first step towards your freedom and that free life. You can do this!

Best wishes!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1293 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 20, 2022

Question by SS - Dec 20, 2022Hindi

Hello Dear Anu Ma'am,I wish to remain anonymous as my family reads this page too.I'm 25 years old and work for a multinational IT giant. I don't earn much but I'm happy with my job. I'm a workaholic and I don't mind working for even 16-17 hours a day just to keep myself sane.My parents are highly educated, have good jobs, are caring and do EVERYTHING for me physically. But, there is no such thing as 'love' or 'emotion' in my house. I have never known the meaning of happiness and love.Everything looks normal on the outside, but inside my dad does not treat my mom well, he always makes fun of her and disrespects her. He is cold and distant from me as well. I don't even remember the last time things were alright at home. Sometimes he even abuses my mom physically and because of this, she left her reputable job and now stays at home. My brother and I have stopped talking to my dad fully.I have been in a relationship with multiple men, including a married man, but was never actually interested in them. They all got frustrated with my behaviour after a few months and the relationships ended. I never understood why I keep on getting into relationships when I never like them. I never understood why I can't say no to someone. I am a people pleaser. I cannot stand up for myself and I have zero self confidence. All my so-called ex-boyfriends manipulated me for sex and I kept thinking it was love. I lose interest the moment they talk about sex.I always used to wonder why I am not like other girls -- they are confident, they can say no to a guy they don't like, they make the right decisions, they have female friends but I don't have any. I used to think why only I am weird.My mom also likes my brother more and does not treat me that nicely. Although she is nice to me most of the time, she keeps on mocking and belittling me like 'good girls like plants and nature.. I have never seen you in our garden. This shows what kind of a girl you are, you're useless, you're good for nothing. I feel like slapping you all the time, your face is like that, anyone would want to slap you and many more such things. It confuses me. I still don't understand if my parents love me or not. My brother is on my mom's side. He never treats me well or respects me. My mind is always in a state of confusion and fear.I keep getting into embarrassing situations because of my low self confidence and inability to say NO.I recently realised I am like this because of my father, after reading an article on 'absent father and how it affects daughters', I got to know that when a father doesn't love his daughter, she becomes promiscuous and has very low self confidence. I cried for hours after reading it. I was shocked and even more traumatised because i thought parents were supposed to love their children.But it gave me some relief that all this is not my fault.Now, I have stopped blaming my parents for the way I am (even if they are the cause) and I've decided to improve my life by distancing myself from them.I have made up my mind and I can see some changes in myself. But I still can't say no very loudly and clearly. I say it in a low voice and hesitantly, so people take advantage of me. I strongly believe that I will learn to say no. I am determined.That said, the main problem now is - there is immense grief, guilt and shame in my mind which I'm not able to get out. I feel terrible about myself all the time, like I'm a cheap, characterless woman. I know that is not actually my personality but I still have such thoughts. I even tried therapy but it has not helped much.Can you please help me ma'am?

Ans:

Dear SS,

Well, there is a neat pattern playing out in your family system.

The women in the house don’t stand up for themselves and the men act like they are entitled to the point of disrespecting and making the women submit to them.

You can see how this is playing out in you and your mother and in your father and your brother or even the way your mother treats you and your brother differently. Very neat gender-divide and gender inequality under the roof of a family system.

This is how emotional states in a growing child who is at the receiving end get eroded to a point that they grow up to make poor choices with regard to their life partner or that growing child who is entitled to act like they need to have it all.

Both are not healthy and when they co-exist in the same house, you can see for yourself what is happening.

It is most certain that your choice of men and to maintain boundaries with them does have a lot to do with the relationship between you and your father. But what’s happened, has; you can’t change the past and keep playing the victim.

Instead, lay out how your life could change for the better if you took charge of it and stepped up.

Call the shots beyond all the blaming and move on. It isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible too!

Work with a therapist who can not only empathise but also is someone who can take you off the victim mode and who enables you to TAKE CHARGE! Your choices create your life…

Best wishes!

Relationship

Anu Krishna |1293 Answers |Ask -Follow

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 08, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 07, 2023Hindi