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Anu

Anu Krishna  |802 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 06, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Mar 04, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

I feel very disgusted to tell you that... I (17y female) was sitting with my mom and my cousin (28y male) was also there. My cousin was sitting besides me and after a while my mom left the house for about 10 minutes for some work. I felt sleepy so I slept on the bed itself. My cousin was still sitting besides me when I slept. After a while I woke up to a very bad feeling. My cousin was groping my butt from behind . I froze as I woke up.my whole body didn't respond at all. I was in shock . He kept touching me for a while. I don't know how I slept in that freezing position. But when I woke up my body was still in shock and he was still besides me. At first I thought it must be dream . But it was surely not a dream. I have noticed he always stares at my body and keeps finding ways to touch me. This all happened and I didn't tell anyone. It has been 3 months and I still can't get over it. I cannot even tell my parents as they will not believe me and it will cause lots of ups and downs if my parents overreact. I really don't know what to do. I feel disgusting.

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Do tell your parents till they HEAR you! Initially, they may dismiss it as a misunderstanding on your part, but persist and keep telling them. Everyday...they may blame you, be upset with you, not talk to you or threaten you with something...BUT keep at it girl...
Someday, they will realize that they must trust their daughter and not the person who decided to abuse their daughter and then get away with it. If this guy gets away, he will try this again with you or some other innocent girl...so, speak up bravely and be firm with it.
If you have an older sibling or someone in the family who is closer to you in age, confide in them, so that they can also back you up.
And the next time, this person (cousin) visits, make eye contact with him when he stares...and ask him: Is there a problem?
If he has any ounce of shame and scare, he will leave or shift gazes. Most often abusers keep trying only because they feel no one can stand up to them. Once you stand up to him, he will cow down! Get back you power by actually feeling that you own your body and that you draw boundaries around it. Be brave!

All the best!

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |802 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2022

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Dear Anu,I request you to keep me anonymous. A few years ago (I was 18 years old) on a 4-hour flight, the man sitting next to me molested me. He used the excuse of being afraid of flying but constantly caressed my inner thighs and kept touching my vaginal area for the entire duration of the flight. I sat there frozen and petrified and never told anyone. I have felt guilty about it ever since. Last year I moved to the USA for a few months and in my last month there, a guy kissed me. It was at a bar and was consensual but since then I have been obsessing over it (it's been six months) and constantly feel dirty and guilty just like I felt on that flight. I feel like I let him use my body just like before even though the kiss was something I wanted. I feel like I won't ever be able to enjoy consensual sex or even just foreplay and I cannot understand how to get rid of that feeling of guilt. How do I stop feeling guilty and dirty and be able to enjoy.Please help meThank you.
Ans:

Dear J.A.R,

It must be shocking and what you displayed was Freeze response.

Creeps like these are lurking around every corner and till we call them out, they are going to commit more serious offenses that what you have experienced.

So, the next time, scream at the creep and make a scene if you have to.

At least, you will have moved on from the victim mode to someone who can take care of herself. Well, this is for what can be done the next time!

Now, let’s deal with what your mind is doing to you.

In what way are you dirty for a trick played on you by a dirty man?

Isn’t he the one who should be feeling dirty instead? Why are you playing his side of the role and keeping yourself from good relationships that are coming your way?

To change this story in your mind, I suggest that you imagine the dirty man seated next to you, him groping you and NOW change the way you want to respond to it.

This time ACT EMPOWERED. Like you are yelling at him, calling out to co-passengers, punching him or whatever that you wished you could have done.

Play this in your mind over and over again.

I do understand that replaying what he did to you can get in the way of this process; but do know that you cannot change the past, but you can surely empower your present and the future. So, do it and do this NOW!

This will give you a chance to rewrite the stories about the relationships that you are about to have.

Also, this will enable you to have a better grip over physical intimacy that is definitely a product of the way the mind processes the event. So, work at this and gift yourself the chance to live free!

Best wishes!

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