Hi Anu, We have been married for close to 8 years (2014). Had our first princess in 2015 and second princess in 2019. Before having the second one, my wife had a very good sex drive both mentally and physically.
We were having intercourse for at least 3 times a week. But over a period of 3 years after our second child being born, my wife has lost interest.
Sex has been like may be once in 30 to 45 days. I am not forcing her but rather trying my best to have those intimate moments like hugging tightly, kissing her, do a little bit of smooching, try to touch and kiss on sensitive areas like belly, feet, ear. But nothing is working and this desperateness is killing me inside.
I need your advice on this.
How do I ensure that my urge is satisfied?
In what way do I engage my wife to have intimate moments and intercourse? This however should not come at the cost of hurting or pressurising her for my needs.

Dear CM,

This is a common challenge that many couples I work with face.

Babies take away their freedom to become intimate and this causes a lot of tension between them.

So let’s break it down for you, yeah?

Your wife right now isn’t the same woman she was before.

Being a mom, and a full-time one at that, is a huge job. A seven year old and a three year old at home can only mean full-time attention to them and little time for herself. When a woman is focused on her role as a mom, she invariably forgets who she is or how she looks; her job as the primary caregiver is all that she knows and does.

She is invariably tired and will think about rest, not action, in the bedroom. This is something that I want you to understand. Be more empathetic towards this; maybe you already are!

Now, what you do for her outside of the bedroom will define what happens within the bedroom. So,
- When was the last time you complimented her on her good looks?
- When was the last time you offered to care for the children so that she could step out with her friends and have a good time?
- When was the last time you took her out for absolutely no reason and made her feel good about herself?
- When was the last time you volunteered to cook and take care of the home while she simply sits and relaxes?

Motherhood can be very challenging, especially when the children are young.

Maybe you have tried all this and I am not about to push you back and not consider your side of the story.

But hey, she’s the one who has carried the babies, so it’s natural she is going to be around them.

Do sit down together after the children are asleep and watch a movie.

Do ask the extended family to babysit the children while the two of you spend a day doing things that you did before the babies came along.

Be aware that as you focus on yourself and your pleasures, you might forget that she is missing them too and that, at this point, you can help her feel like a ‘woman’ again.

It takes two to tango. Nothing can be one-sided. It will only end up becoming a selfish act which I am sure you are aware of. Try what I have suggested and let me know.

All the best!

Dear CM,

This is a common challenge that many couples I work with face.

Babies take away their freedom to become intimate and this causes a lot of tension between them.

So let’s break it down for you, yeah?

Your wife right now isn’t the same woman she was before.

Being a mom, and a full-time one at that, is a huge job. A seven year old and a three year old at home can only mean full-time attention to them and little time for herself. When a woman is focused on her role as a mom, she invariably forgets who she is or how she looks; her job as the primary caregiver is all that she knows and does.

She is invariably tired and will think about rest, not action, in the bedroom. This is something that I want you to understand. Be more empathetic towards this; maybe you already are!

Now, what you do for her outside of the bedroom will define what happens within the bedroom. So,
- When was the last time you complimented her on her good looks?
- When was the last time you offered to care for the children so that she could step out with her friends and have a good time?
- When was the last time you took her out for absolutely no reason and made her feel good about herself?
- When was the last time you volunteered to cook and take care of the home while she simply sits and relaxes?

Motherhood can be very challenging, especially when the children are young.

Maybe you have tried all this and I am not about to push you back and not consider your side of the story.

But hey, she’s the one who has carried the babies, so it’s natural she is going to be around them.

Do sit down together after the children are asleep and watch a movie.

Do ask the extended family to babysit the children while the two of you spend a day doing things that you did before the babies came along.

Be aware that as you focus on yourself and your pleasures, you might forget that she is missing them too and that, at this point, you can help her feel like a ‘woman’ again.

It takes two to tango. Nothing can be one-sided. It will only end up becoming a selfish act which I am sure you are aware of. Try what I have suggested and let me know.

All the best!