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As the Eldest Child, How Can I Set Boundaries While Staying Respectful to My Critical Family Member?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1527 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Anu, I have a family member who constantly criticizes my choices and invades my personal space. While I love them immensely, as the eldest child of the family, I also feel suffocated. How do I set boundaries without feeling like I’m being disrespectful? Sometimes, I question if I’m the one being too sensitive. Could you help me figure this out?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
When you say criticizes your choices and invades your personal space, they are two different things...
You can't do much when people criticize your choices. If the choice you have made is wise for you, ignore what people say and move on. Choices on food, clothes, etc are so personal...
But if it concerns any important decisions of life, I would suggest that you take a moment and understand why that person is criticizing your choice; is the criticism part of how they show care? While it's very easy to criticize someone who criticizes you, always know the space they come from. Some people do not know how to show care and do it through authority and imposition which of course is never pleasant.
When it comes to invading your personal space, I am unable to imagine what that means in your case as it is too generalized. Anyway, if it feels uncomfortable, draw a boundary and make sure that you do not allow them to violate it. Initially, they will talk of you being very disrespectful, but stay on course and sooner than later they will get used to a newer way of interacting with you.

On whether you are being too sensitive: that's why I found your post very generalized. A few instances could have painted a better picture and also tell you whether your reaction is necessary or is the other person actually prying too much.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 18, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2023Hindi
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I am from Middle class family. Our parents, 2 brothers, my sister and Me.My Father is no more and my mom lives alone. She does not want to stay with any of us. We all live out of country and my mother lives in India. My mother is not dependent on us financially and she can manage on her own and does not expect money from any of us. She is getting old and we need to take care of her, but I feel I am only one who checks on her and arranges for any small things she needs. My sibling don't even talk about it, I feel they think if they talk about it then they have do something. Like every other old person my mother and me have a lot of differences on everything like managing finances, or renewing something or going to hospital etc and I become the bad person because of these matters. My siblings don't get involved they just call her once a while and talk for while and manage to stay in her good books. I know that it is my duty to take care of her but I feel not appreciated or rejected when she ignores all the things I do for her when others don't. She is also old school and favors boys over girls and reject me saying that I am from a different family and always guilt traps me saying that she educated me but i earn and spent on my husband family. She hates my in-laws, but they are nice people and my husband is very supportive. Since it is my mother I don't tell these issues to anyone even my husband and it is destroying my Peace.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing in your relationship with your mother. It can be challenging when there are differences in opinions and expectations, especially when it comes to caregiving and managing family dynamics. Here are a few suggestions that might help you navigate this situation:

Communication: It's important to have open and honest communication with your mother. Try to express your feelings calmly and respectfully, and listen to her perspective as well. Sharing your concerns and thoughts can help create a better understanding between both of you.

Seek support: While you may not want to burden your husband with these issues, it's still essential to have someone to talk to and seek support from. Consider confiding in a close friend or a counselor who can provide an objective viewpoint and offer guidance on how to cope with the emotional stress.

Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Make it clear to your mother what you can and cannot do, taking into account your own personal and family commitments. It's important to find a balance between caring for her and taking care of yourself and your own family.

Sibling involvement: If you feel overwhelmed and alone in taking care of your mother, you can try to involve your siblings more actively in the process. Have an open conversation with them, express your concerns, and see if they can contribute in any way, whether it's by providing emotional support or assisting with certain responsibilities.

Patience and empathy: Understand that your mother's behavior and expectations may be influenced by her upbringing, cultural beliefs, and personal experiences. Try to approach situations with empathy, even if it's challenging. Remember that she may be experiencing her own struggles and fears as she grows older.

Self-care: Taking care of your own well-being is essential. Ensure that you make time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you joy, and maintain a healthy work-life balance. By taking care of yourself, you'll be better equipped to handle the challenges that arise in your relationship with your mother.

Remember, it's normal to feel frustrated and emotionally drained in such situations. However, with patience, understanding, and effective communication, you may be able to improve your relationship with your mother and find a balance that works for both of you.

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1527 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1527 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 08, 2025Hindi
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My parents come from struggling families and have given us best of whatever they could afford. My mother prefers my youngest brother over us her two elder daughters and she does this very vividly since childhood. My elder sister is very vocal about all these issues and but is very rude and weird. She uses swear words and verbal abuses to parents and takes extreme steps which highlights her in wrong light in front of whole family. Even I used to think that she is ill mannered and selfish that is why she behaving in such manner. Now I am also going through that phase. I will share one instance. I have got my phd thesis review and I have to submit them ASAP. My parents almost dragged me from my husbands house stating to everyone that my 8 month old baby needs sunlight exposure and i need time for addressing my review. But I have been here for more than a week, both my parents are super busy with their own routine. Though they are retired but they have adapted to fill their day. They are very rigid with their schedule. And after coming here I seem to be the extra burden on them. They don't give us time except few moments here and there. I was busy there and i am busy here taking care of my baby, no time for my work. I am frustrated now as I cannot leave suddenly. It would reflect very bad in front of everyone. But i am realizing what my elder sister went through. My mother does not cook for me. My brother came for two days. She cooked all three meals FoR him. She left me And cornered me very silently. I don't want to fight or yell. But i am shocked, sad, frustrated as I am still breastfeeding my baby. I am already super busy with him. I get to eat around 3 or 4 in the evening. I dont want to share with people around as it will malign my parents image. i am troubled because almost all of my energy is going in controlling myself from bursting in tears or stopping myself from screaming or yelling at my parents. or from leaving this place in anger. i want to utilise my energy in a better manner. kindly help How to tackle this situation.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Go back to your home with your baby and literally 'mind your own business'. I say this only because you seem to be spending time with things that don;t need your time. For instance: your breast=fed baby needs you more than what you parents did or did not do thinking, right?
Bring your attention to what is at hand and right now to keep your emotional sanity intact, I would suggest that you take some time-off of your parents, go back to your home and experience the joys of motherhood. That's utilizing your energy in a better manner. Makes sense?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

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I have utilised my sale proceedings and hence the entire capital gains by registering a new flat, but the entire payment is not released to the builder. It will be released in a phased manner as per progress of the building. Do I still need to open a CGAS account and put the unutilized capital gains money there?
Ans: Since you have already registered the new flat and fully committed the capital gains towards its purchase, you do not need to open a Capital Gains Account Scheme (CGAS) account. However, there are some key points to consider:

1. Conditions for Capital Gains Exemption (Section 54 or 54F)
You must invest the capital gains in a new residential property within 2 years (for resale property) or within 3 years (for under-construction property).
Since you have registered the property, your investment is considered "committed" even if payments are made in phases.
The Income Tax Department typically considers the date of agreement/registration as the date of investment, not the date of actual payment.
2. When is a CGAS Account Needed?
A CGAS account is required only if the capital gains money is not used before the Income Tax Return (ITR) filing deadline (July 31st) of the respective financial year.
Since your funds are already allocated towards the flat purchase, you are not required to park them in CGAS, even if disbursement is pending.
3. Ensure Proper Documentation
Keep records of the flat registration, builder agreement, and payment schedule.
Retain proofs of capital gains utilization from the sale proceeds.
If assessed, you can justify that the gains were committed for the property purchase.
Final Insights
Since you have already registered the new flat and the payment schedule is fixed, you do not need a CGAS account. However, ensure that all payments are completed within 3 years to comply with exemption rules. Keep all documents handy in case of future tax scrutiny.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 19, 2025Hindi
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Is it wise to switch between debt and equity composition within a mixed fund/ULIP depending on the market, for a long term investor? Considering that NAVs will be lower in equity components during market lows and more units could be purchased for the same SIP amount? When the market moves up switch back to get a larger NAV r equity components.
Ans: Switching between debt and equity within a mixed fund or ULIP based on market movements may seem like a smart strategy. The idea is to buy more equity units when the market is down and shift to debt when the market is high. However, in practice, this approach has several risks and limitations.

Here’s a detailed analysis:

1. Challenges of Market Timing
Difficult to Predict Market Lows and Highs

Markets do not move in a straight line.
A dip may continue further, and a peak may not be the highest point.
Many investors switch at the wrong time, missing out on gains.
Emotional Biases Impact Decisions

Fear and greed affect switching decisions.
Many investors switch to debt in panic during a crash and miss the recovery.
Staying invested in equity gives better long-term returns.
ULIPs Have Lock-ins and Charges

ULIP switching may have limits and charges.
Not all ULIPs offer unlimited free switches.
Frequent switching can increase costs and reduce returns.
2. Impact on Long-Term Growth
Compounding Works Best with Consistency

Switching in and out disrupts long-term growth.
Staying in equity for 10+ years gives better returns.
Debt Returns Are Lower

Equity outperforms debt over the long term.
Shifting to debt may reduce overall returns.
Systematic Investments Work Better

SIPs average out market ups and downs.
No need to manually switch between equity and debt.
3. Better Alternatives to Switching
Asset Allocation Based on Goals

If retirement is 20+ years away, equity should be dominant.
If retirement is near, gradually move to debt.
Hybrid Funds Handle Allocation Automatically

Some hybrid funds adjust between debt and equity based on market conditions.
This reduces the need for manual switching.
Investing More During Market Lows

Instead of switching, increase SIPs when the market falls.
This allows more unit accumulation without timing risk.
Final Insights
Switching between debt and equity in a mixed fund or ULIP based on market timing is risky. Long-term investors benefit more from staying invested in equity. Instead of switching, follow a structured asset allocation strategy. Use SIPs to take advantage of market lows rather than manually shifting between asset classes.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

Money
I am 33 years old and married, currently earning an in-hand salary of ₹1.6 crore per annum. My financial portfolio consists of: Stock investments: ₹2.2 crore Mutual funds: ₹70 lakh ULIP portfolio: ₹60 lakh (annual premium ₹22 lakh) Gold holdings: ₹50 lakh Loans: ₹23 lakh car loan (EMI ₹38,000) and ₹40 lakh home loan (EMI ₹38,000) I want to ensure that I am on the right path toward financial growth and early retirement. My goal is to achieve financial freedom while maintaining a comfortable lifestyle. Could you provide guidance on: How to optimize my portfolio for higher returns and passive income?
Ans: Your financial position is strong. Your salary is high, and you have a diversified portfolio. However, there is scope for better returns and passive income. A structured plan will help you reach financial freedom faster.

Here’s a detailed breakdown:

1. Review of Your Current Investments
Stock Investments: Rs 2.2 crore
You have a large stock portfolio.

Stocks give high returns but carry risk.

Review the portfolio for weak stocks.

Ensure a mix of large, mid, and small-cap stocks.

Check if some stocks need profit booking.

Reinvest gains into high-potential stocks or mutual funds.

Keep 15-20% of the portfolio in dividend-paying stocks for passive income.

Mutual Funds: Rs 70 lakh
Mutual funds provide stability with growth.

Avoid over-diversification with too many schemes.

Actively managed funds can outperform passive funds.

Check fund performance over 5+ years.

Increase SIPs for long-term wealth creation.

Ensure a balance of equity, hybrid, and debt funds.

Debt funds help with stability but are taxed at your income tax slab.

ULIP Portfolio: Rs 60 lakh (Annual Premium Rs 22 lakh)
ULIPs combine insurance with investment.

Charges are high, reducing overall returns.

Returns from ULIPs are lower than mutual funds.

Consider surrendering and reinvesting in mutual funds.

Use a pure term plan for life insurance instead.

Gold Holdings: Rs 50 lakh
Gold is a hedge against inflation.

It does not generate passive income.

Physical gold has storage and security issues.

Consider gold ETFs or sovereign gold bonds.

Sovereign gold bonds provide interest income.

Loans: Rs 63 lakh (Car Loan Rs 23 lakh, Home Loan Rs 40 lakh)
Your EMIs are Rs 76,000 per month.
Interest on a home loan is tax-deductible.
Car loan interest is an expense, not an investment.
Consider repaying the car loan early.
Continue home loan if the rate is low.
2. Steps to Optimize Your Portfolio
Increase Passive Income
Invest in dividend-paying stocks.

Add high-dividend mutual funds.

Consider corporate bonds for steady returns.

Invest in REITs for rental income without buying property.

Use sovereign gold bonds for extra interest.

Enhance Mutual Fund Investments
Increase SIPs in actively managed funds.

Ensure sectoral and market cap diversification.

Hybrid funds offer stability and good returns.

Debt funds help balance the portfolio.

Review fund performance every year.

Improve Liquidity
Maintain an emergency fund of Rs 25-30 lakh.

Keep it in liquid funds or high-interest savings accounts.

Avoid locking funds in long-term ULIPs or endowment plans.

Reduce Unnecessary Costs
ULIP charges are high; shift to mutual funds.

Car loan has no tax benefit; consider prepayment.

Ensure you are not overpaying for insurance.

Avoid investing in low-return insurance products.

Maximize Tax Efficiency
LTCG on equity mutual funds above Rs 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.
STCG is taxed at 20%.
Debt fund gains are taxed as per your income slab.
Invest in tax-efficient instruments like ELSS funds.
Use HUF and spouse’s name for tax-saving investments.
3. Financial Freedom Plan
Target Passive Income for Early Retirement
Aim for passive income of Rs 1 crore per year.

Invest in high-yield assets like dividend stocks and debt funds.

REITs and bonds provide stable income streams.

SIPs in equity mutual funds create wealth for future income.

Portfolio Allocation for Financial Growth
Equity: 60-65% (Stocks + Equity Mutual Funds)

Debt: 20-25% (Debt Mutual Funds + Bonds)

Gold: 10-15% (SGBs + Gold ETFs)

Emergency Fund: 5% (Liquid Fund + Savings)

Review and Adjust Yearly
Review stocks and mutual funds yearly.
Exit underperforming investments.
Rebalance portfolio as per risk appetite.
Adjust allocation based on market conditions.
Final Insights
Your financial position is strong. Your income allows you to invest aggressively. Focus on increasing passive income for early retirement.

Shift from ULIPs to mutual funds for better returns.
Increase investments in actively managed equity funds.
Reduce high-interest loans and unnecessary costs.
Diversify across asset classes while maintaining liquidity.
Aim for tax-efficient investments to maximize post-tax returns.
If you follow this structured approach, financial freedom is achievable. A well-balanced portfolio with growth and income assets will ensure a comfortable future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

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I have taken a floating home from Axis Bank for 30 lakh last year, with a interest rate of 8.5%, i have also prepaid 5 Lakh within five months, now i have an outstanding amount of arround of 24 lakh, as the RBI reduced the repo rate, Bank is refusing to reduce interest rate from 8.5% to 8.25%. please suggest what should i do now?
Ans: You took a floating-rate home loan from Axis Bank at 8.5% interest.
You prepaid Rs 5 lakh within five months, reducing your outstanding amount to Rs 24 lakh.
RBI reduced the repo rate, but Axis Bank refuses to lower your rate to 8.25%.
Why Your Interest Rate Is Not Reducing
Banks do not always pass repo rate cuts immediately to all borrowers.
Some loans are linked to MCLR (Marginal Cost of Funds Based Lending Rate), which adjusts slowly.
New loans might be under RLLR (Repo Linked Lending Rate), which reacts faster to RBI rate cuts.
Your loan agreement decides how and when rate cuts apply.
What You Can Do
1. Ask for a Rate Reduction
Request Axis Bank to switch your loan to an RLLR-based loan.
Banks charge a conversion fee, but it might save you lakhs in interest over time.
2. Compare with Other Banks
Check other banks' home loan rates for balance transfer options.
If a bank offers a lower rate, consider switching the loan.
Ensure the processing fee & charges don’t negate the benefit.
3. Negotiate with Axis Bank
If you have a good repayment record, negotiate for a lower spread or margin.
Mention that other banks offer better rates, increasing your bargaining power.
4. Make Partial Prepayments
If you have extra savings, consider small prepayments to reduce interest burden.
Prepaying reduces the principal, which lowers total interest paid.
5. Use a Home Loan Overdraft Account
Check if Axis Bank offers a home loan overdraft facility.
You can park surplus money and withdraw when needed, reducing interest payments.
Best Action Plan
Contact Axis Bank and request a switch to an RLLR-based loan.
Compare other banks for balance transfer options.
Negotiate for a lower spread if staying with Axis Bank.
Consider prepayments to reduce long-term interest costs.
By taking the right step now, you can save a significant amount on interest payments.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP
Chief Financial Planner
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8013 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Feb 19, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Feb 18, 2025Hindi
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I have sold a plot worth for 1.85 cr... I have bought a plot worth 1.4 cr... can i keep the remaining in my saving account for house construction or do i put the balance amount in a cgas account
Ans: Since you sold a plot for Rs 1.85 crore and purchased another plot for Rs 1.4 crore, you have a balance of Rs 45 lakh.

Capital Gains Tax Implication
Long-Term Capital Gains (LTCG): If the plot you sold was held for more than 2 years, the profit is considered long-term capital gains (LTCG) and is subject to tax.
Tax Rate: LTCG on real estate is taxed at 20% with indexation benefit.
Reinvestment for Tax Saving: You can save tax by reinvesting the gains in a residential property under Section 54F of the Income Tax Act.
Can You Keep Rs 45 Lakh in a Savings Account?
No, if you intend to claim tax exemption under Section 54F, you cannot keep the balance amount in a savings account beyond the due date for filing your Income Tax Return (ITR).
If you don't invest in a residential house before filing your ITR, you must deposit the unutilized amount in a Capital Gains Account Scheme (CGAS).
You must use the CGAS amount within 3 years for house construction.
What Should You Do?
If You Are Constructing a House
Deposit Rs 45 lakh in a CGAS account before the due date of filing your ITR.
Use this amount within 3 years for house construction to claim full tax exemption under Section 54F.
If You Are Not Constructing a House
The Rs 45 lakh will be taxed as LTCG, and you must pay 20% tax (after indexation benefits).
Consider other tax-saving options, like investing in bonds under Section 54EC (with a 5-year lock-in).
Final Insights
If you plan to construct a house, deposit the Rs 45 lakh in a CGAS account before filing ITR.
If you don’t use this amount within 3 years, it will be taxed as LTCG in the year of expiry.
If you don’t want to construct a house, be ready to pay LTCG tax or invest in 54EC bonds for tax saving.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP
Chief Financial Planner
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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