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As the Eldest Child, How Can I Set Boundaries While Staying Respectful to My Critical Family Member?

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Anu, I have a family member who constantly criticizes my choices and invades my personal space. While I love them immensely, as the eldest child of the family, I also feel suffocated. How do I set boundaries without feeling like I’m being disrespectful? Sometimes, I question if I’m the one being too sensitive. Could you help me figure this out?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
When you say criticizes your choices and invades your personal space, they are two different things...
You can't do much when people criticize your choices. If the choice you have made is wise for you, ignore what people say and move on. Choices on food, clothes, etc are so personal...
But if it concerns any important decisions of life, I would suggest that you take a moment and understand why that person is criticizing your choice; is the criticism part of how they show care? While it's very easy to criticize someone who criticizes you, always know the space they come from. Some people do not know how to show care and do it through authority and imposition which of course is never pleasant.
When it comes to invading your personal space, I am unable to imagine what that means in your case as it is too generalized. Anyway, if it feels uncomfortable, draw a boundary and make sure that you do not allow them to violate it. Initially, they will talk of you being very disrespectful, but stay on course and sooner than later they will get used to a newer way of interacting with you.

On whether you are being too sensitive: that's why I found your post very generalized. A few instances could have painted a better picture and also tell you whether your reaction is necessary or is the other person actually prying too much.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |119 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 18, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I am from Middle class family. Our parents, 2 brothers, my sister and Me.My Father is no more and my mom lives alone. She does not want to stay with any of us. We all live out of country and my mother lives in India. My mother is not dependent on us financially and she can manage on her own and does not expect money from any of us. She is getting old and we need to take care of her, but I feel I am only one who checks on her and arranges for any small things she needs. My sibling don't even talk about it, I feel they think if they talk about it then they have do something. Like every other old person my mother and me have a lot of differences on everything like managing finances, or renewing something or going to hospital etc and I become the bad person because of these matters. My siblings don't get involved they just call her once a while and talk for while and manage to stay in her good books. I know that it is my duty to take care of her but I feel not appreciated or rejected when she ignores all the things I do for her when others don't. She is also old school and favors boys over girls and reject me saying that I am from a different family and always guilt traps me saying that she educated me but i earn and spent on my husband family. She hates my in-laws, but they are nice people and my husband is very supportive. Since it is my mother I don't tell these issues to anyone even my husband and it is destroying my Peace.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing in your relationship with your mother. It can be challenging when there are differences in opinions and expectations, especially when it comes to caregiving and managing family dynamics. Here are a few suggestions that might help you navigate this situation:

Communication: It's important to have open and honest communication with your mother. Try to express your feelings calmly and respectfully, and listen to her perspective as well. Sharing your concerns and thoughts can help create a better understanding between both of you.

Seek support: While you may not want to burden your husband with these issues, it's still essential to have someone to talk to and seek support from. Consider confiding in a close friend or a counselor who can provide an objective viewpoint and offer guidance on how to cope with the emotional stress.

Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Make it clear to your mother what you can and cannot do, taking into account your own personal and family commitments. It's important to find a balance between caring for her and taking care of yourself and your own family.

Sibling involvement: If you feel overwhelmed and alone in taking care of your mother, you can try to involve your siblings more actively in the process. Have an open conversation with them, express your concerns, and see if they can contribute in any way, whether it's by providing emotional support or assisting with certain responsibilities.

Patience and empathy: Understand that your mother's behavior and expectations may be influenced by her upbringing, cultural beliefs, and personal experiences. Try to approach situations with empathy, even if it's challenging. Remember that she may be experiencing her own struggles and fears as she grows older.

Self-care: Taking care of your own well-being is essential. Ensure that you make time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you joy, and maintain a healthy work-life balance. By taking care of yourself, you'll be better equipped to handle the challenges that arise in your relationship with your mother.

Remember, it's normal to feel frustrated and emotionally drained in such situations. However, with patience, understanding, and effective communication, you may be able to improve your relationship with your mother and find a balance that works for both of you.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  | Answer  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 10, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 08, 2025Hindi
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Relationship
My parents come from struggling families and have given us best of whatever they could afford. My mother prefers my youngest brother over us her two elder daughters and she does this very vividly since childhood. My elder sister is very vocal about all these issues and but is very rude and weird. She uses swear words and verbal abuses to parents and takes extreme steps which highlights her in wrong light in front of whole family. Even I used to think that she is ill mannered and selfish that is why she behaving in such manner. Now I am also going through that phase. I will share one instance. I have got my phd thesis review and I have to submit them ASAP. My parents almost dragged me from my husbands house stating to everyone that my 8 month old baby needs sunlight exposure and i need time for addressing my review. But I have been here for more than a week, both my parents are super busy with their own routine. Though they are retired but they have adapted to fill their day. They are very rigid with their schedule. And after coming here I seem to be the extra burden on them. They don't give us time except few moments here and there. I was busy there and i am busy here taking care of my baby, no time for my work. I am frustrated now as I cannot leave suddenly. It would reflect very bad in front of everyone. But i am realizing what my elder sister went through. My mother does not cook for me. My brother came for two days. She cooked all three meals FoR him. She left me And cornered me very silently. I don't want to fight or yell. But i am shocked, sad, frustrated as I am still breastfeeding my baby. I am already super busy with him. I get to eat around 3 or 4 in the evening. I dont want to share with people around as it will malign my parents image. i am troubled because almost all of my energy is going in controlling myself from bursting in tears or stopping myself from screaming or yelling at my parents. or from leaving this place in anger. i want to utilise my energy in a better manner. kindly help How to tackle this situation.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Go back to your home with your baby and literally 'mind your own business'. I say this only because you seem to be spending time with things that don;t need your time. For instance: your breast=fed baby needs you more than what you parents did or did not do thinking, right?
Bring your attention to what is at hand and right now to keep your emotional sanity intact, I would suggest that you take some time-off of your parents, go back to your home and experience the joys of motherhood. That's utilizing your energy in a better manner. Makes sense?

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Janak

Janak Patel  |20 Answers  |Ask -

MF, PF Expert - Answered on Mar 11, 2025

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Hello Sir, I am 42 years old IT professional. I have one son of 6 years and in class 1. My wife also works and our combined MF portfolio is of 1.1 cr. We both invest 90k per month in various mutual funds. I have purchased one flat which has 60 lacs of home loan and 58000 emi. I have sold my current flat in 80 lacs. I am in confusion of what to do with this money. Should I part close my home loan, should i invest it in mutual funds or should i go for PMS. I am in no hurry to pre close home loan as I can close the loan in next 6-7 years from our salary and my PPF. My goal is to maximize my returns to create wealth as I want to retire by 50. I have monthly expenses of 75K including my child fees for now. Please suggest. Thank you.
Ans: Hi Shaks,

Your query will resonate with many working professionals.

First and foremost, please check/calculate if you have capital gains arising out of the sale of your current flat. This is important for tax implication and will also help make your decision for utilizing the funds.

Lets assume you have some capital gains from this sale, then you can again have to confirm if the capital gains can be utilized without paying tax on it - this is possible if you have purchased the new flat within the last 1 year. If so, then you can utilize/adjust the capital gains towards payments made for the new flat and save tax on it. If you have purchased the new flat earlier than the last 1 year, then you have 2 options - pay tax on the capital gains and then use the funds as you wish OR invest the capital gains amount in NHAI bonds (locked) for the next 5 years (pay tax only on the interest earned).

Once you have sorted the above, you will know what is the amount in hand to make your decision, so lets dive into it.
You have a loan of 60 Lacs and you can manage the EMI from your salaries. Over the next 6-7 years, your salary will also see an increment of approx 7-8% annually, so I suggest you utilize this excess amount each year to prepay/topup your EMI payments. This will help reduce the loan burden over time. At the time of retirement, your loan outstanding can be paid with available options at that time.
You mentioned PPF as an option - I would suggest you do not utilize PPF amount towards this loan closure. The reason is PPF is a completely tax exempt asset and can be utilized well towards retirement income. Of course depends on how much you have accumulated in PPF.

So lets now consider paying the loan amount with the sale proceeds of the current flat. You have a loan today (assuming interest rate applicable is 8-8.5%), which you can manage and you are keen to continue it till retirement, so also recommend you do so. Keep the sale proceed amount available for investment and wealth creation as there are opportunities that can generate returns at a same rate (conservative options) and higher returns (with a slightly higher risk associated).

As you do not have any major liability which is outstanding or cannot be managed, and also you are investing 90k per month in Mutual funds, you can consider wealth creation options for the sale amount available.
PMS is an option but I feel its risks will out weigh the returns in the time frame you have, unless you have a known and trust-worthy option you want to consider.
As you are looking to retire early, at age 50, you should target to create a corpus that will sustain your retirement life (consider at least 30 years post retirement) and your child's education requirements.
Hence my recommendation would be to invest in Mutual Funds and continue with your PPF until retirement. A well constructed portfolio to create a retirement corpus and your child's education requirements would be required.

You can consult a Certified Financial Planner to help you with this plan. They can guide you with your Investments and Retirement planning and provide options to consider and provide advise on risk management (Insurance requirements).

Thanks & Regards
Janak Patel
Certified Financial Planner.

...Read more

Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |954 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Mar 11, 2025

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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