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As the Eldest Child, How Can I Set Boundaries While Staying Respectful to My Critical Family Member?

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 07, 2024

Anu Krishna is a mind coach and relationship expert.
The co-founder of Unfear Changemakers LLP, she has received her neuro linguistic programming training from National Federation of NeuroLinguistic Programming, USA, and her energy work specialisation from the Institute for Inner Studies, Manila.
She is an executive member of the Indian Association of Adolescent Health.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Dec 06, 2024Hindi
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Relationship

Dear Anu, I have a family member who constantly criticizes my choices and invades my personal space. While I love them immensely, as the eldest child of the family, I also feel suffocated. How do I set boundaries without feeling like I’m being disrespectful? Sometimes, I question if I’m the one being too sensitive. Could you help me figure this out?

Ans: Dear Anonymous,
When you say criticizes your choices and invades your personal space, they are two different things...
You can't do much when people criticize your choices. If the choice you have made is wise for you, ignore what people say and move on. Choices on food, clothes, etc are so personal...
But if it concerns any important decisions of life, I would suggest that you take a moment and understand why that person is criticizing your choice; is the criticism part of how they show care? While it's very easy to criticize someone who criticizes you, always know the space they come from. Some people do not know how to show care and do it through authority and imposition which of course is never pleasant.
When it comes to invading your personal space, I am unable to imagine what that means in your case as it is too generalized. Anyway, if it feels uncomfortable, draw a boundary and make sure that you do not allow them to violate it. Initially, they will talk of you being very disrespectful, but stay on course and sooner than later they will get used to a newer way of interacting with you.

On whether you are being too sensitive: that's why I found your post very generalized. A few instances could have painted a better picture and also tell you whether your reaction is necessary or is the other person actually prying too much.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Feb 07, 2023

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I am brought up in a middle class family where both my parents were working. I am the elder sister and I have a younger brother. Since childhood i feel that my mother has given more time and efforts towards my brother. When he asks something he gets it and when I ask I'm told that it's not required. My mother pretends that she treats both of us equal but i can feel the difference. I'm currently married with a 4 year old kid. My husband is very loving and we have a happy family. My issue now begins when my mother comes to stay/visit us. She begins pointing faults and imposing decisions on us. She does that same with my husband and he doesn't like it either. My mother wants to prove herself right even if she is wrong and will never accept her faults. She is interfering with my child's upbringing too. She will never ever behave like that with my brother. I won't deny the fact that she comes to help when I need since I have no inlaws but just because she knows that we need her she will try to dominate over us. One example is that when my child was 10 months i got a potty seat and she never let me put my kid on it saying that kid is too young and because of this my kid never sat in toilet till he turned 4 years. Another is that she used to feed my son only biscuits all the time even when I used to oppose. Also, once she fed my son ice cream when he was 1 year old and my child developed fever next day and she put blame on me saying I took him our for walk in the evening hence my child got fever. When I used silicon brush to brush my kids teeth she stopped me saying there's no need to brush before 1 month when i objected and continued doing it she blamed .e whenever my kid cried saying that his gums are hurting because you brushed his teeth. Many more such incidents where she puts blame on me and tries to prove me wrong She will almost daily try n tell me that my husband is blaming her for groceries getting over/ equipment not working etc which I know my husband does not (he is very kind hearted ) and she just keeps all this misunderstanding in her head. Many times I've clarified by talking to both of them together. Now, my husband is going out of town and again my mother will be coming. I'm fed-up of these fights n arguments but when in emergency i have to rely on her but she takes full advantage of the fact that I need her. I can't take this anymore and its affecting my mental health
Ans: Dear Leena,
I hear you!
But do allow me to give you a perspective. Relationships are never easy to maintain and manage as they involve emotions and layers through it all. Mothers can at times see their daughters as people who they need to groom for life. It's possible that your mother is doing the same thing. She has made it her sole responsibility to continue to groom you so that you earn a good name in your husband's household. This isn't me saying it, it's the way age-old beliefs could be seeping through your mother.
Now, it has become an interference and it must be conveyed to her. At first, it will hurt her and she might react to it by reminding you of all the sacrifices that she has made in order to raise you; but mind you, be steady in what you convey.
She will eventually understand that her daughter does not need to be monitored and taught to lead her life, but just needs a support system around her. Of course, there might be a withdrawal when she has to help you, but be firm on how you would like be treated from now on.
Polite yet firm is something that works well to avoid conflicts within relationships; so use that well.
Also, the differentiation between you and your brother might just be that she gives you tough love. Tough love is shown by a parent/authority figure to another in order to toughen the other person up and in severe cases it may result in submissiveness. In your case, it is likely that she has a certain belief on how boys and girls must be raised. It will change only when she changes her belief. For now, focus on creating a better environment at home by taking charge and being polite and firm with your mother.
And do know, at the end of the day, she is a mother....love sets everything right.
All the best!

..Read more

Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |107 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 18, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 17, 2023Hindi
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Relationship
I am from Middle class family. Our parents, 2 brothers, my sister and Me.My Father is no more and my mom lives alone. She does not want to stay with any of us. We all live out of country and my mother lives in India. My mother is not dependent on us financially and she can manage on her own and does not expect money from any of us. She is getting old and we need to take care of her, but I feel I am only one who checks on her and arranges for any small things she needs. My sibling don't even talk about it, I feel they think if they talk about it then they have do something. Like every other old person my mother and me have a lot of differences on everything like managing finances, or renewing something or going to hospital etc and I become the bad person because of these matters. My siblings don't get involved they just call her once a while and talk for while and manage to stay in her good books. I know that it is my duty to take care of her but I feel not appreciated or rejected when she ignores all the things I do for her when others don't. She is also old school and favors boys over girls and reject me saying that I am from a different family and always guilt traps me saying that she educated me but i earn and spent on my husband family. She hates my in-laws, but they are nice people and my husband is very supportive. Since it is my mother I don't tell these issues to anyone even my husband and it is destroying my Peace.
Ans: I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you're facing in your relationship with your mother. It can be challenging when there are differences in opinions and expectations, especially when it comes to caregiving and managing family dynamics. Here are a few suggestions that might help you navigate this situation:

Communication: It's important to have open and honest communication with your mother. Try to express your feelings calmly and respectfully, and listen to her perspective as well. Sharing your concerns and thoughts can help create a better understanding between both of you.

Seek support: While you may not want to burden your husband with these issues, it's still essential to have someone to talk to and seek support from. Consider confiding in a close friend or a counselor who can provide an objective viewpoint and offer guidance on how to cope with the emotional stress.

Boundaries: Establishing boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Make it clear to your mother what you can and cannot do, taking into account your own personal and family commitments. It's important to find a balance between caring for her and taking care of yourself and your own family.

Sibling involvement: If you feel overwhelmed and alone in taking care of your mother, you can try to involve your siblings more actively in the process. Have an open conversation with them, express your concerns, and see if they can contribute in any way, whether it's by providing emotional support or assisting with certain responsibilities.

Patience and empathy: Understand that your mother's behavior and expectations may be influenced by her upbringing, cultural beliefs, and personal experiences. Try to approach situations with empathy, even if it's challenging. Remember that she may be experiencing her own struggles and fears as she grows older.

Self-care: Taking care of your own well-being is essential. Ensure that you make time for yourself, engage in activities that bring you joy, and maintain a healthy work-life balance. By taking care of yourself, you'll be better equipped to handle the challenges that arise in your relationship with your mother.

Remember, it's normal to feel frustrated and emotionally drained in such situations. However, with patience, understanding, and effective communication, you may be able to improve your relationship with your mother and find a balance that works for both of you.

..Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |442 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 08, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 09, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi I brought up from a middle class family now I'm married and having 3 yrs kid, my younger brother recently got married! Ever since his marg there was a problem going on between my mom, brother and her wife , all the 3 of them bringing their problems to me and husband it creates a huge impact on my mental health due to their problems, if I try to resolve nobody is listening, I'm staying nearby my parents which is a big disadvantage, directly it's affecting me and my family? I don't know how to overcome from this type of issue
Ans: A compassionate but firm boundary can make a difference here. For instance, you could gently explain to your mother, brother, and his wife that while you understand and empathize with their challenges, you’re finding it difficult to handle all the tension that arises from these discussions. You might let them know that, for the sake of your own mental health and family well-being, you need to step back from being involved in any discussions about their conflicts.

If they do come to you with their concerns, try gently redirecting them, perhaps by suggesting that they talk directly to each other or even consider family counseling if they’re open to it. Remind them that only they can solve these issues by communicating directly, rather than relying on you as a mediator. Over time, they may begin to understand that their repeated involvement of you is not a productive solution.

Creating some physical and emotional space is key. If living nearby is heightening the tension, consider adjusting how often you interact in person. Focusing more on your own family’s peace, stability, and happiness will also help. It may feel challenging at first, but taking steps to protect your boundaries will benefit everyone, and gradually, they may even recognize the need to work out these issues themselves without depending on you.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1403 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 15, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
Hi. How to be more respectful towards to MIL and FIL. ??? They dont like me as a DIL bcz they feel that I am trying to steal their son which is absolutely wrong. I tried to improve my relation with them but with the passage of time , its getting worst. My husband is on their side too. I have a baby girl and they threaten me to send me to my hometown with my child if I speak againt any type of dicrimination happening with me. My MIL believes in keeping Nirjala fast, eating after husband, eating left over food. I dont feel good with them so I spend time alone whenever they are home but they dont like my behaviour of getting my own time. Whenver i talk with them, they just humiliate me and my family.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Do you all live together? If YES, maybe it's time to actually live separately where there is a healthy space between both families. This may not go well with a lot of families where joint family system have ruled for a long time BUT what's the point spoiling relationships and living under one roof. Of course, your husband also needs to be in alignment with this thought.
If not and this is not going to be possible, then do approach your side of the family to intervene...now, either things may get set right OR things may get worse. It's sad that your husband is unable to see your side of things.
One things I want to ask: What makes them feel that you are trying to steal their son? Is it some behavior of yours that they are misreading? Then it's possible to set things right if this can be identified...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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Dr Shyam

Dr Shyam Jamalabad  |83 Answers  |Ask -

Dentist - Answered on Dec 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 12, 2024Hindi
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Health
Doctor, I’ve recently noticed that my gums bleed a little when I brush, and they feel a little tender, especially around the back. I did some quick research online, and it sounds like it could be gingivitis, but I’m not really sure. I’ve always been pretty regular with brushing, but I might not be doing it thoroughly, and I don’t always floss. I am 38 and was wondering, is it possible for me to treat or even cure gingivitis by myself at home? Should I just start using a specific mouthwash or change my brushing routine? Or is this something I should see a dentist about right away? I’m hoping it’s something simple I can handle without needing a visit to the dentist.
Ans: Mild gingivitis can be treated and managed at home with good oral hygiene practices and some natural remedies. However, if the condition persists or worsens, it's essential to consult a dentist for professional treatment.

Home Treatment and Prevention:

1. *Brushing and Flossing*: Brush your teeth at least twice a day and floss once a day to remove plaque and food particles.
2. *Saltwater Rinse*: Rinse your mouth with warm saltwater several times a day to reduce inflammation and kill bacteria.
3. *Antibacterial Mouthwash*: Use a commercial hydrogen peroxide/chlorhexidine gluconate mouthwash to kill bacteria and reduce inflammation.
4. *Dietary Changes*: Eat a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, and avoid sugary and processed foods.
5. *Vitamin C* plays a significant role in gingival health. So make sure you have fresh citrus fruits (preferably unrefrigerated) on a regular basis. The other option is to take Vitamin C supplements.

When to Consult a Dentist:

1. *Persistent Gingivitis*: If your gingivitis persists despite good oral hygiene practices and home remedies.
2. *Severe Symptoms*: If you experience severe symptoms like bleeding gums, pain, or swelling.
3. *Gum Recession*: If you notice gum recession or exposed roots.
4. *Loose Teeth*: If your teeth become loose or mobile.


Remember, while home treatment and natural remedies can help manage mild gingivitis, regular dental check-ups and professional cleanings are essential to prevent and treat gum disease.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |471 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Dec 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 19, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I 32F have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. He has a young daughter from his previous marriage, and they share custody. I’ve been trying to get along with his ex-wife, but it’s been really difficult. She often contacts him for things that aren’t urgent and it feels like she’s overstepping into our relationship, especially when it comes to decisions about their daughter. I understand that they need to co-parent, but I feel like I’m always left out or made to feel uncomfortable. My boyfriend says he tries to balance everything, but sometimes I feel like his ex-wife has more influence in his life than me. How can I set healthy boundaries with her without causing tension, and how can I talk to my boyfriend about how I’m feeling without sounding like I’m being controlling?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand that you are in a tricky spot but it is important to understand that when it comes to their child, they have the right to make decisions and ignore everyone else's, even yours. You should keep your relationship and their co-parenting situation separate. Having said that, if you think your BF's ex is overstepping, communicate that to your partner, while letting him know that it bothers you and might even create friction in your relationship. An open and honest discussion is the only way around it. If expressing your discomfort is causing tension or considered ‘controlling,’ then you need to rethink the relationship.

I am sure your partner is truly trying to balance things, but since he is dating you, he should be aware of the areas where that balance is lacking. Communication is the only way.

Hope this helps.

...Read more

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