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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |289 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 22, 2023

Kanchan Rai has 10 years of experience in therapy, nurturing soft skills and leadership coaching. She is the founder of the Let Us Talk Foundation, which offers mindfulness workshops to help people stay emotionally and mentally healthy.
Rai has a degree in leadership development and customer centricity from Harvard Business School, Boston. She is an internationally certified coach from the International Coaching Federation, a global organisation in professional coaching.... more
Sundarraj Question by Sundarraj on Nov 21, 2023Hindi
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Actually to say the truth this incident has made my life very difficult. Due to financial burden and for the sake of kids life, came abroad to earn money. Had huge faith and trust in my wife. suddenly this incident have ruined all the happiness. Even though i had many conversation with my wife and she assured me of faith and true to our relationship; i couldn't digest this. My daughter is just 9 years old, she doesnt know anything. But my son is 15 years old and he understands things. This incident have made him arrogant towards her. my kids love me and i am living for them and to make their life better working away from home. Actually they want me to be with them and take care of them. But my wife always insisting me to return back after becoming financially stable. Initially i was also hoping for the same. But now its totally different. Knowing that the guy is just few kilometers away from my home and working in the same company where my wife works is making me go wild sometimes. But as of now i am controlling my emotions and trying to trust my wife. But this is really taking a toll on me. One side i have to take care of my aeging parents, clear debts, take care of kids education and other family expenses. Other side this issue. My wife earns money just to spend for her family and her day to day expenses. nothing of use to me nor kids. So i am totally struck and dont know how to handle. Moreover i am keeping all the things within me and couldnt discuss with either friends nor family. Feeling lonely and betrayed.

Ans: It's understandable that you're feeling a range of emotions given the complexities of your situation.Honest and open communication with your wife is crucial. Share your feelings, concerns, and the impact this situation is having on you. Encourage her to express herself as well. Clear communication is key to rebuilding trust. Consider what is best for you, your children, and your overall well-being. Assess whether staying abroad or returning home is the most viable option for your family. It's important to take care of your own mental and emotional well-being. Consider engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This might include exercise, hobbies, or spending time with friends.

Best Wishes

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 23, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 19, 2023Hindi
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Madam, I am 61 years old , retired from Govt service an year ago. I have a problem in my family. Though my wife is a post graduate, she refused to take up any Job and wants all others including her in laws to give her money eternally. Misbehaved with my parents & sent them out of our house for their supposed conservative style and refused to allow my sisters family on a visit and quarreled with me on this ground time & again. She quarrels with me on silly issues loudly infront of kids. She reflects her mother`s attitude in dealing with my parents & relatives. Later She re-started her love affair with her ex lover . Fed up with quarrels at home and keep her away from unwarranted affairs, I decided to go abroad and took her also with me with our 2 daughters. There again, she started another illicit affair with my classmate cum colleague (whom i knew for 2 decades and i treated like a brother and was already married with kids). After 18 months of secret affair , behind me, they finally disclosed and wanted to elope leaving their families behind. Stunned by their ghastly betrayal , I sent my family back to India and also reported the matter to boss, who repatriated that Traitor back. I had to forgive my wife for sake of my Daughters who were aged 12 yrs and 9 yrs then. I am unable to come to terms with their ghastly actions though 2 decades have since passed. We sleep in separate rooms and I have no physical relation with her, ever since as our marriage is over for all purposes. I believe that mutual Trust & respect are the foundations of any marriage. Both are lost in our case. Now my daughters aged 31, 29 are Post graduates but are sitting idle at home wasting time in TV and refuse to do any job as their mother keeps telling them why should women work ?. They refuse to receive any external counselling nor willing to get married nor take up a job nor pursue any studies. They are financially dependent on me. I am now retired and live on Govt Pension. They refuse to understand the reality around them. They have no friend either in Relatives or in their college circles. What to do with their Intransigence? .
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
At 61, you look back and reflect; what choices have you made that has led you to be where you are right now?
Have those choices robbed you of your peace of mind and a better life?
If Yes, it still isn't late to rework and revisit those choices and make better ones.

But for that, this obsession with their ghastly affair must end. The more you are focused on the past, it becomes difficult to create anything beautiful for today and tomorrow. Yes, you felt hurt and were in pain, but to continue to feel the pain is a choice and that is only going to make you more bitter. Consider what is happening with your marriage; you might have to accept that this is the way it will be. If you are not happy with this, then think of what you want to do about it.

It's a good thing that you have begun to focus on your children. They seem to be in need of focus and direction. Since they are adults, it's time you gave them an ultimatum to find a job and move out of home. It sounds cruel, but at times, as a parent you need to do the right thing for your children. So, act NOW and without hesitation.
As for you, as you decide what you want to do with your marriage, involve yourself in social circles and hobbies, travel etc. It will give you a distraction and also a way to calm your mind to take decisions.

All the best!

..Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Aug 16, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 09, 2023Hindi
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Hi Anu, I am 39 Year Old Male and My wife is 37 years old, we are married for 12 years. We have 2 kids (A Son Aged 9 Years) and a daughter aged (2 years). We had good and bad both times during 12 years of our marriage. However it was my anger on petty issues which lead to multiple quarrels over the period. Last month again we had fight and my wife left home without my or my family knowladge along with both our kids to my in-laws. During this 1 month of seperation i realized my mistakes and are ready to amend it, but my wife lacks trust now. We are not in touch since she has left as she has blocked my number and send me court notice of maintenance also (Ofcourse notice has lot of lies also). No i have understood my family's values and unable to bear such distance from both wife and kids. What my wife is thinking i dont know. Financially i have always kept her happy but due to my quarrels things have gone bad now. Please advice what should be way forward for me and what should i do to bring my family back. PLEASE GUIDE!
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Ego trips have divided the two of you considerably.
Seek the help of an elder member of a family who will act like a go-between and a mediator. He/She must be neutral and unbiased as well.
This helps in having a smooth flow in a conversation between you and your wife where both of you can our in your woes and also be clear on whether either of you want the marriage to continue or not. Also, take into account the children and their welfare as they are very young and any decision taken will impact them in one or many ways.
If this mediation fails, kindly seek the help of a marriage therapist/counselor even this means sharing 'stuff' with a total stranger. Most often that stranger will be the person to facilitate a smooth reconciliation if the couple also wants the same.

All the best!

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |289 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Nov 20, 2023

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 20, 2023Hindi
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Hi. I am married and its our 17th year into marriage. Myself 40 yrs and my wife 37 yrs, we have 2 kids. I am working abroad and my wife is working near our home in india itself. Recently my son found that my wife is seeing her senior co worker who is also married and having 2 kids. They were sending romantic messages. My son got shocked and immediately informed me and was very furious. I too got shocked and inquired my wife. She apologized and said that she got attracted and carried away. Also it was just chatting and nothing happened between them. they were chatting for nearly 7 months. In between that man had visited my home too. I love my wife a lot and couldnt believe she betrayed me. As i am working abroad i couldnt judge how long and serious this affair was. I couldnt travel immediately also. She pleaded and still going to the same job citing her career and for kids life. I couldnt sleep and terribly confused as how to handle this and proceed further. I couldnt share to my family also.
Ans: Oh my dear Anonymous, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult situation. Infidelity can be a painful experience, and it's understandable that you're feeling confused and hurt. Dealing with such matters requires careful consideration and communication.It's normal to feel a range of emotions such as anger, sadness, confusion, and betrayal. Allow yourself the space to come to terms with what has happened before making any major decision. Discuss your feelings, concerns, and expectations moving forward with your wife clear;y being open and honest is what i feel is most important. Discuss and establish clear boundaries regarding communication with the other person. Also you have children, consider how this situation may affect them. It's essential to provide a stable and supportive environment for them. Depending on the circumstances, you may want to involve them in the conversation or shield them from the details, depending on their age. Remember, the decision on how to proceed ultimately rests with you. Seeking the assistance of a professional counselor or therapist can be valuable in navigating the complexities of infidelity and rebuilding trust. It's crucial to prioritize your emotional well-being and make decisions that align with your values and goals for the future.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1046 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jun 04, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 01, 2024Hindi
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Hi Anu Its been 2 years since I got married and hv a 2 month old son. My wife is a qualified engineer and I am a consultant. My wife is showing hatred and anger towards my mom and dad. She thinks that they pampering me unnecessarily since me being a single child. Also we had a plan to settle down in abroad and started working towards that plan since marriage. Because of this we failed to understand ourselves both physically and mentally. My wife got admission masters degree in foreign university which she refused to go because we did not get physically intimate then. Also she tried pursuing the masters course from online thus quitting her job. So I started trying to go and settle in abroad meanwhile concentrating on intimacy as well. But in this process she understood that she loves her work more than anything else.Thus she rejoined her job again to another department with which she did not get the job satisfaction In the course of time, i got a job offer abroad to a different country other than the one we targeted. My wife is now blaming me that i was responsible for all the mess that happened inher life. She thinks that i cunningly used her to fullfill my abroad dreams. Also since ours was a arranged marriage , i could not develop any feelings for her as she is very average looking at the beginning and now since she is showing hatred towards me and my parents , unnecessary divorse thoughts are peeping up. Please help
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I see a few gaps in what you have shared which simply means more information is needed from you.
- She refused to go abroad, then she suddenly loved her work more and then started working again and then traveled abroad for it?

You see the gap?
How is that since you both were not physically intimate, she had decided not to pursue her Masters abroad?
What made her suddenly love her work more?
Why does she blame you when as you say that she loves her job but she is not satisfied with it?
What makes her feel that you cunningly used her to move abroad?
Also, what is the reason that she thinks that you are being pampered by your parents?

Once you have answers to these, the problem will emerge more clearly, and that will help in finding a solution to it as well.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

..Read more

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