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Vivek

Vivek Lala  |323 Answers  |Ask -

Tax, MF Expert - Answered on Jul 09, 2024

Vivek Lala has been working as a tax planner since 2018. His expertise lies in making personalised tax budgets and tax forecasts for individuals. As a tax advisor, he takes pride in simplifying tax complications for his clients using simple, easy-to-understand language.
Lala cleared his chartered accountancy exam in 2018 and completed his articleship with Chaturvedi and Shah. ... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jul 08, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I want to understand about SWP mutual fund plan. Lumpsum Amount - 50 lakhs Why SWP- My mother dont get pension so using this amount she get monthly income. Investment duration- Atleast 15 or 20 years. Withdrawal amount - 40000. Her age- 52 years Please help me in clearing below doubts. 1. Best SWP mutual fund. 2. In detail explanation with calculation? 3. What will be STCG and LTCG taxs whenever units are sold every month? 4. How many years the Withdrawal can be done? I have taken health insurance for my mother 10 lakh.

Ans: Hello, whatever is the value of your corpus , your SWP should be 5% of it but you can go as high as 6% which is 25K per month
The swp as per the last 20yrs data, shows that the swp easily continue for the next 20yrs and create a decent corpus at the end of 20yrs
The portfolio creation should be balanced to agressive as the duration of the investment is 15yrs plus
The portfolio can be as follows :
Mid cap - 20%
Small cap - 20%
Multicap - 30%
Large and mid cap - 30%
The STCG LTCG will be as per the gains

Let me know if you have any more doubts or views on my LinkedIn profile :
https://www.linkedin.com/in/ca-vivek-lala-21a2038b?utm_source=share&utm_campaign=share_via&utm_content=profile&utm_medium=android_app

Remember that past performance is not a guarantee for future returns, and it's always important to review your investments periodically to ensure they remain aligned with your financial objectives.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 11, 2024

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Hello Sir, I am 53 years, planned for retirement after 3 years. Have MF investment about 50 lacs, FDs about 50 Lacs, will accumulate 50 lacs in the coming three years through investment in MF. My monthly expenditure is Rs 65,000. How can I plan with the above corpus for my retirement so as get monthly payout? Whether to go for SWP - Balanced advantage funds or SWP- Debt funds for my monthly income? Is this correct plan? I will be needing 75,000 per month after my retirement. How much tax will I have to pay on 75,000 per month? Will there be any exit load while changing to SWP? What should be my investment strategy?
Ans: It's great to see that you've already started planning for your retirement and have a diversified investment portfolio. You're taking the right steps towards securing your financial future.

Given your situation, it's essential to ensure that your investments align with your retirement income needs. SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan) can indeed be a useful tool to generate a regular income from your mutual fund investments.

Balanced advantage funds and debt funds both have their merits. Balanced advantage funds dynamically manage their equity exposure based on market conditions, offering potential for growth while managing risk. Debt funds, on the other hand, provide stability and regular income with lower risk.

Your plan to accumulate an additional 50 lakhs in MF over the next three years is commendable. It adds to your retirement corpus and potentially increases your income-generating capacity.

To meet your monthly expenditure of Rs. 65,000 during retirement, you'll need to generate a monthly payout of Rs. 75,000, considering inflation and unforeseen expenses.

Regarding taxation, withdrawals from debt funds attract taxation based on the holding period and are subject to indexation benefits. As for balanced advantage funds, equity taxation rules apply if the holding period exceeds one year. It's advisable to consult with a tax advisor for personalized guidance.

Exit loads might apply when switching to SWP, depending on the mutual fund's terms and conditions. Ensure you're aware of any applicable charges before making the switch.

Your investment strategy should focus on a balanced approach, considering your risk tolerance, time horizon, and financial goals. Diversification across asset classes and regular reviews of your portfolio are crucial for long-term success.

Overall, your plan seems well thought out, but it's essential to review and adjust it periodically to adapt to changing market conditions and personal circumstances.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 05, 2024

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Good evening Sir ; My queries are regarding SWP for really long term periods appx. 40 years . I am expecting a corpus about 3Cr. in the year 2030 when I will be retiring . My son is having ASD ( Autism ) thus very less scope to earn and manage finance independently in his carrier . So , I am planning to manage my corpus such a manner so that he will survive from this corpus till his 60 years of age . For that , I need to generate sufficient fund for more or less 40 years i.e. till 2070 . I am expecting a corpus of Rs. 3 cr. at the year 2030 , 100 % of which will be contributed by MF . Now , I am thinking to put the entire sum in SWP , in order to generate a regular monthly income because I don't see FD or other regular income schemes are not viable to produce a constant flow during such a long period . That's why , I am seeking your novel advices / guidelines in order to prepare a sustainable roadmap towards my future financial planning . for further information , I am assuming three of us will stay together till 2050 & my son will be alone say another 20 years . Also , I am expecting to withdraw 1.5 L per month from 2030 onwards which is divided into 3 equal proportion ( 50k x 3 ) , assuming there will be an average inflation of 6% throughout the time period ( as per inflation history of India since independence ) of 40 years . Now my questions are : 1. Is SWP the right method to sail through this journey comfortably ? Seek your advice for any better path / combination . 2 . What's the tax implication in SWP ? Kindly elaborate a little . 3 . If possible , kindly suggest the best fund ratio for SWP understanding my facts . I am available to provide any further information regarding this . thanking you in advance ; very best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty
Ans: Your concern for your son's future is commendable. Your goal of generating a steady income stream for 40 years through a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) is a prudent approach given your circumstances.

Addressing Your Questions
1. Is SWP the Right Method?

SWP is a viable option for generating a regular income from your corpus. It allows you to benefit from potential market growth while providing a steady cash flow.
However, it's essential to consider the following:
Market volatility: The value of your corpus will fluctuate with market conditions. This can impact the sustainability of your withdrawals.
Inflation: You've correctly identified inflation as a significant factor. It's crucial to ensure your withdrawal amount keeps pace with inflation to maintain your purchasing power.
Emergency fund: Having a separate emergency fund is advisable to cover unexpected expenses without dipping into your SWP.

2. Tax Implications of SWP
Debt Fund capital gains: If you redeem units, you'll pay capital gains tax, which is added to your income and taxed at your applicable income tax slab.

Long-term capital gains in equity funds: If you redeem units held for more than a year, you'll pay a long-term capital gains tax of 12.5% on the gains exceeding Rs. 1.25 lakh in a financial year.

3. Best Fund Ratio for SWP

Diversification is key. Considering your long-term horizon and the need for income, a balanced approach is recommended.
A mix of equity and debt funds can help manage risk and return.
The exact ratio will depend on your risk tolerance and the market outlook. A typical starting point could be a 60:40 equity-debt mix, but this can be adjusted based on your financial advisor's recommendations.
Regular rebalancing is crucial to maintain your desired asset allocation.

Ensuring Long-Term Sustainability
Regular Review
Annual Review: Regularly review the performance of your investments and the adequacy of the withdrawal amount.

Adjust Allocations: Adjust the equity-debt ratio if needed to maintain the corpus value.

Diversification
Multiple Funds: Invest in a variety of mutual funds to spread risk and enhance returns.

Rebalancing: Periodically rebalance the portfolio to maintain the desired equity-debt ratio.

Professional financial advice: Given the complexity of your situation, consulting with a financial advisor can provide tailored recommendations.

Final Insights
The SWP strategy is suitable for your long-term financial goals. It provides a stable income while allowing for potential growth. Keep in mind the tax implications and the need to adjust for inflation. A balanced mix of equity and debt funds will help in managing risks and ensuring sustainability.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10902 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 22, 2024Hindi
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Dear Sir, I am 58 years and recently retired from my employment. My PF amounts to Rs 1 Cr and i want to invest in Mutual Funds instead of keeping the money in the EPF account. Sir, i will need Rs 45,000 monthly for my monthly expsnses and thanks to your education, got to know about SWP. Sir, please advice how do i go about investing in terms of selecting funds and what amount in these funds. Will the corpus last me for 25 yrs at the monthly withdrawal rate of Rs 45,000. If it can last for 25 yrs, what will be my corpus at the end of 25 yrs. Thank you and anxiously look forward to your reply Best Regards & God bless
Ans: It’s great that you’ve accumulated Rs. 1 crore in your PF account. You’re thinking of moving this to mutual funds, and that’s a wise choice considering your long-term goals. Your monthly need is Rs. 45,000, and you’ve rightly pointed out the use of a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) to meet these expenses.

Investment Objective
Your primary goal is to generate Rs. 45,000 per month for your expenses while ensuring your corpus lasts for 25 years. You’re also interested in knowing whether there will be any remaining corpus at the end of this period.

SWP Strategy Overview
An SWP allows you to withdraw a fixed amount monthly while the rest of your investment continues to grow. The key is to select funds that provide a balance between growth and stability.

Selecting Mutual Funds
Equity Funds:

These funds provide higher returns, helping your corpus grow over time. However, they come with market risks. For long-term growth, equity funds in large-cap and multi-cap categories are preferable.
Hybrid Funds:

Hybrid funds offer a mix of equity and debt. They provide a balanced approach by offering moderate growth with lower risk compared to pure equity funds.
Debt Funds:

Debt funds are more stable but offer lower returns. They can act as a cushion, providing stability to your overall portfolio.
Asset Allocation
Given your goal and time horizon, a balanced approach is essential. You may consider the following allocation:

50% in Equity Funds:

This portion will help your corpus grow, keeping pace with inflation.
30% in Hybrid Funds:

Hybrid funds add stability and moderate growth, reducing volatility.
20% in Debt Funds:

Debt funds ensure a safety net, providing consistent returns without much risk.
Implementing the SWP
Start with Debt Funds:

Begin your SWP withdrawals from the debt portion. This ensures you’re not selling equity when the market is down.
Rebalance Annually:

Every year, review your portfolio. Rebalance it to maintain your desired asset allocation. This ensures that your funds are neither too risky nor too conservative.
Ensuring the Corpus Lasts for 25 Years
Return Expectations:

Assuming an average annual return of 8-10% from the portfolio, this approach should provide you with a stable monthly income.
Corpus Depletion:

Your corpus is likely to last for 25 years with this strategy. However, it’s important to monitor and adjust withdrawals according to the portfolio’s performance.
Estimating the Corpus at the End of 25 Years
Growth Potential:
While you’ll be withdrawing Rs. 45,000 per month, the remaining amount continues to grow. After 25 years, there may still be a significant corpus left, depending on the performance of the equity and hybrid funds.
Risk Management
Inflation Consideration:

Inflation will reduce the purchasing power of your Rs. 45,000 over time. It’s essential to review and adjust your SWP periodically to account for inflation.
Health Insurance:

Ensure you have adequate health insurance to cover medical emergencies. This prevents you from dipping into your corpus.
Emergency Fund:

Maintain an emergency fund outside of your investments. This covers unexpected expenses and reduces the need to withdraw from your mutual funds at an inopportune time.
Tax Efficiency
Taxation on SWP:
SWP from mutual funds is subject to capital gains tax. Equity funds are taxed at 12.5% for long-term gains over Rs. 1.25 lakh. Debt funds are taxed at the slab rate only for the gain to the extent withdrawn. Plan your withdrawals keeping tax implications in mind to maximize your net returns.
Finally
Investing your Rs. 1 crore PF corpus in a well-balanced mutual fund portfolio is a sound decision. By carefully selecting funds and implementing a disciplined SWP strategy, you can ensure that your corpus lasts for 25 years, providing you with a steady monthly income. Regular monitoring and adjustments will help you stay on track, and with careful planning, you may even have a significant corpus left at the end of 25 years.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  | Answer  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 18, 2024Hindi
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Dear Sir, I am 58 years and recently retired from my employment. My PF amounts to Rs 1 Cr and i want to invest in Mutual Funds instead of keeping the money in the EPF account. Sir, i will need Rs 45,000 monthly for my monthly expsnses and thanks to your education, got to know about SWP. Sir, please advice how do i go about investing in terms of selecting funds and what amount in these funds. Will the corpus last me for 25 yrs at the monthly withdrawal rate of Rs 45,000. If it can last for 25 yrs, what will be my corpus at the end of 25 yrs. Thank you and anxiously look forward to your reply Best Regards & God bless
Ans: Hello;

It would be advisable to invest your corpus lumpsum in hybrid conservative (debt oriented) fund type.

I recommend Kotak hybrid debt fund or SBI conservative hybrid fund both from the same category as mentioned above, suggested based on 5 year returns.

I recommend that you let the corpus compound for 2 years minimum.

Your corpus may grow to 1.17 Cr after 2 years assuming modest return of 8%.

Here if you do a 5% SWP then you may expect a monthly payout of 48750 per month for next 25 years.

At the end of 25 years you can expect a net corpus value of around 3.58 Cr(modest return of 8% considered) after deducting monthly payouts.

Other option for you could be to buy immediate annuity from an insurance company. Considering annuity rate of 6% you may expect to receive monthly payment of 50K from the next month onwards. It has various features for joint holding and return of purchase price after the end of annuity period(25 years for eg) or expiry of the annuity holder, to the nominee.

Do your due diligence and choose the best option suiting to your requirement.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing

Happy Investing!!

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Latest Questions
Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Money
Hello Reetika Mam, I am 48 year having privet Job. I have started investment from 2017, current value of investment is 82L and having monthly 50K SIP as below. My goal to have 2.5Cr corpus at the age of 58. Please advice... 1. Nippon India small cap -Growth Rs 5,000 2. Sundaram Mid Cap fund Regular plan-Growth Rs 5,000 3. ICICI Prudential Small Cap- Growth Rs 10,000 4. ICICI Prudential Large Cap fund-Growth Rs 5,000 5. ICICI Prudential Balanced Adv. fund-Growth Rs 5,000 6. DSP Small Cap fund Regular Growth Rs 5,000 7. Nippn India Pharma Fund- Growth Rs 5,000 8. SBI focused Fund Regular plan- Growth Rs 5,000 9. SBI Dynamic Asset Allocation Active FoF-Regular-Growth Rs 5,000
Ans: Hi,

You can easily achieve your goal of 2.5 crores after 10 years. Your current investment value of 82 lakhs alone can grow to 2.5 crores assuming CAGR of 12% and monthly 50k SIP will give additional 1.1 crores, making a total corpus of 3.6 crores at 58.

But I see a problem with your current allocation. The fund selection is more aligned towards small caps of different AMCs and very concentrated and overlapped portfolio.
You need to diversify it so as to secure your current investment while getting a decent CAGR of 12% over next 10 years.
Focus on changing your current funds to large caps and BAFs and flexicaps and avoid sectoral funds.

You can also work with an advisor to get detailed analysis of your portfolio.
Hence you should consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hi, I am 32 years old, married, and have a 4-year-old daughter. My monthly take-home salary is 55,000 rupees, and my wife's salary is 31,000 rupees, making our total income 86,000 rupees. I am currently in a lot of debt. Our total EMIs amount to 99,910 rupees (total loans with an average interest rate of 12.5%), and even with my father covering most of the monthly expenses, I still spend about 10,000 rupees. This leaves me with a shortage of approximately 25,000 rupees (debt) every month. My total debt across various banks is 36,50,000 rupees, and I also have a gold loan of 14 lakhs. I cannot change the EMI or loan tenure for another year. I also have a 2 lakh rupee loan from private lenders at an 18% interest rate. My total debt is over 52 lakhs. Now, with gold and silver prices rising, I'm worried that I won't be able to buy them again. I have an opportunity to get a 2 lakh rupee loan at a 12% interest rate, and I'm thinking of using that money to buy gold and silver and then pledge them at the bank again. Half of my current gold loan is from a similar situation – I took a loan from private lenders, bought gold, and then took a gold loan from the bank to repay the private loan. Given my current situation and my family's circumstances, should I buy more gold or focus on repaying my debts? What should I do? The monthly interest on my loans is approximately 50,000 rupees, meaning 50,000 rupees of my salary goes towards interest every month. What should I do in this situation? I also have an SBI Jan Nivesh SIP of 2000 rupees per month for the last four months. I have no savings left. I am thinking of taking out term insurance and health insurance, but I am hesitating because I don't have the money. I am looking for some suggestions to get out of these debts.
Ans: Hi Surya,

You are in a very complicated situation. This whole debt trapped needs to be worked on very judiciously. Let us go through all the aspects in detail.

1. Your total monthly household salary - 86000; monthly expense - 10000 contribution as of now; monthly EMI - approx. 1 lakhs.
2. Current loans - 36.5 lakhs from various banks at 12.5%; Gold Loan - 14 lakhs; private lenders - 2 lakhs at 18% >> totalling to 52 lakhs.
3. 50k interest per month payable - implies capital payment is very less leading to more problem.

- Keen on buying gold with loan. This is where more problem will began. Avoid buying gold using loan.
- Your focus should be on reducing your debt instead of increasing it.

Strategy to follow:
1. Close the loan with higher interest rate - 2 lakh personal lender. This will reduce your EMI and give you more potential to prepay other loans.
2. Try and take financial help from your family in prepaying small loans from banks. This can reduce your burden.
3. If you have any unused assets, can sell them to pay off your loans.

Points to NOTE:
> Avoid taking any more loans.
> When your EMI burden reduces, do make an emergency fund of 2-3 lakhs for yourself for any uncetain situation.
> Make sure to have a health insurance for yourself and family.
> Can stop your investments for now. They are of no use if your EMIs are more than your income. Can start investing once your EMI's reduce atleast by 20-30% for you.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Reetika

Reetika Sharma  |432 Answers  |Ask -

Financial Planner, MF and Insurance Expert - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Money
Hello Sir ; I am 55 years old & have decided to retire by end of 2025 . My wife is in teaching profession , earns appx. 3.5 L / annum & will continue her service till 2037( @60 yrs. of age ) . My only child is an intellectually disabled person ( with Autism ) , 14 years of age & will be incapable to earn . As on date , I have 60 L in MF , going to sell a property by end of this year @ 41 L ( it is fixed ) , appx 5L in Bank & postal FD . My wife have 45L in MF as on date & 3 fully paid premium ULIP policy which will be matured by 2030. She can get appx. 25 L from there . This is by and large my family financial status . Now , my queries to you that with this corpus , how we manage our ( myself & wife’s ) livelihood & most important that to manage a continuous cash flow for my disabled child till his age 65 i.e. 50 years from now . Primarily , I have thought of SWP & MIS schemes to get regular income for th retirement . My present family expense is appx. 1L per month . Therefore , I do seek your expert advice in this regards . I will be highly obliged if you kindly address to my query . thanking you , with best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty.
Ans: Hi Suprabhat,

Let us analyse all things in detail - one at a time.
1. 5L in Bank and FD - this is your emergency fund. But if there is a lock-in on the postal FD, you need atleast 5 lakhs in bank FD as your emergency fund.
2. Health Insurance - it is the prime requirement for you and your family. You should have one covering you, your spouse as well as your kid. It will help you in uncertain health conditions of youself and family.
3. ULIP Policy - Usually policies like such are not beneficial. But these are all paid-up, good point here. Whenever you get this, try to invest it in equity and hybrid mutual funds.
4. You will get 41 lakhs from property selling. Invest the entire amount in mutual funds, a mix of equity and debt funds.
5. Cumulative MF portfolio = 1.05 crores. As the entire corpus is huge, take the advice of a proper advisor on managing your overall investments and portfolio. A guided investment always generates better result than a random portfolio.

Your annual needs - 12 lakhs; Wife will earn - 3.5 lakhs till 2037. You need additional 8.5 lakhs per year to manage your expenses.
- You can initiate a SWP from your overall savings after allocating it in correct funds with the help of advisor.
- You need to have a dedicated corpus for your son's need in your absence. Atleast 50-70 lakhs should be kept solely for your son.
- The overall corpus seems insufficient to meet your requirements for now. You can either postpone your retirement and create an additional savings corpus for your future and son. Or you may consider to work on your monthly budget.

Do work with a professional advisor to guide you with exact funds to meet your desired goals.
Hence consult a professional Certified Financial Planner - a CFP who can guide you with exact funds to invest in keeping in mind your age, requirements, financial goals and risk profile. A CFP periodically reviews your portfolio and suggest any amendments to be made, if required.

Let me know if you need more help.

Best Regards,
Reetika Sharma, Certified Financial Planner
https://www.instagram.com/cfpreetika/

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 17, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am 43 years old married man, arranged marriage. Married for past 13 years with 4 kids (aged 2, 3, 10 and 13). I work abroad with good salary package and live with my family. My wife is MSc. and home maker. She teaches the kids and cooks and takes good care of kids. I am academic research scholar. From the start of our marriage, I noticed my wife does not open much and moderate religious person. I am also not very extrovert person. I work from 8 am to 5 pm in office which is walkable distance from my house. After coming from office, I help her in kichen daily, look after the kids, help kids in math, clean the house, put the yougest kid to sleep, then I get some 'me' time which happens only after 11:30 pm in the night. I dont use phone untill everybody is sleep or my kids dont allow me to use phone while i am playing with them. Now sometimes I feel we are just room mates with 1-2 times sex in a month. In terms of love with my wife, I initiate all the time, she never expresses love. I am not very possessive kind of person. She does not show any interest in my work and never ask me hows my day etc. She only smiles and rarely laught. I thought may be it will improve with time. There is no money issue, she buys what ever she likes. She has her own card and I provide extra money if she asks. I assumed may be she does not like me from the beginning but staying in marriage due to family pressure and kids. I am average looking person and dont accept everything what she says in terms of investment, holiday etc. I had accepted my fate. She started doing book writing and publishing online and now earning and keeping separate account, She is very excited about it and feels happy and shares with me the publication but not the earnings. I give suggestions and money what ever she asks for marketting and promotion etc. I am happy for her. Recently I came across an email in her phone which was from her ex. There was a long deleted chat, in summary they were madly in love but could not get married, i dont know the reason or even she never spoke about him. they kept chatting even after our marriage. Her ex got married and divorsed with one grownup kid. He is single and work abroad in a different country with good salary package (may be better than mine). She emailed him after long time I guess but now she is secretly chatting with him very often. she keeps her phone locked and deletes the chats. He is also interested and asking her to leave and marry him. She is not saying yes to him but regrets that she married me. At this point I dont know if I should talk to her regarding this but she will definitely be upset to know i checked her phone. Few years back we had a major fight (that time i didnot know about her ex), i had proposed for divorse and settle it mutually if she is not happy with me but she denied and stayed. I dont know what I should do to make her happy. we both are from very respected family in the society and I dont know if her parents knew about her affair. Even though she is chatting with him but she behaves very normal with me, no fight no argument, as if nothing is happening. I dont know whats in her mind, is she just casually chatting with him or buying time, waiting for the right moment to leave? Shall I file for divorse or accept my fate as room mates. Am I worrying too much?
Ans: First, let me say this clearly: you are not worrying “too much.” Your concerns are valid. When emotional connection, affection, and curiosity about each other’s inner worlds are absent for years, and when secrecy enters the relationship, it naturally shakes trust. The fact that she is emotionally engaging with a past love, hiding communication, and expressing regret about marrying you — even if not directly to your face — is not a small or harmless thing. It doesn’t automatically mean she will leave, but it does mean there is unresolved emotional business that cannot be ignored.
At the same time, it’s important not to jump straight to extremes like divorce or silent resignation. Right now, the most important thing is clarity — for you and for her. Living as silent roommates while carrying this knowledge will slowly erode your self-worth and peace of mind. You deserve honesty, and your marriage deserves a chance to be examined truthfully, not just maintained for appearances, family reputation, or routine.
If you choose to speak to her, the way you approach it will matter far more than the fact that you looked at her phone. Try not to lead with accusation or surveillance. Lead with your emotional reality. You can say something like: you’ve been feeling emotionally distant for a long time, you feel you’re always the one initiating closeness, and recently you’ve felt even more unsettled and insecure about where you stand in her life. You don’t need to reveal every detail of what you saw immediately; the goal is to open a conversation about emotional honesty, not to trap her in a confession.
Pay close attention to how she responds. Not defensiveness alone, but whether she shows willingness to reflect, to talk about her inner world, and to consider rebuilding emotional intimacy with you. A marriage can sometimes be repaired even after emotional betrayal — but only if both partners are willing to be transparent and actively work on reconnecting. If she avoids the conversation, minimizes your feelings, or continues secrecy, then you will have important information about where the marriage truly stands.
It’s also worth acknowledging something gently but honestly: your wife may have spent years emotionally closed not because of you alone, but because she never fully processed the loss of that earlier relationship. Her recent independence and success may have stirred unresolved emotions and old longings. That explains her behavior, but it does not justify secrecy or emotional infidelity. Understanding this can help you speak with compassion without sacrificing your boundaries.
Before making any legal decisions, I strongly encourage you to consider couples counseling, ideally with someone experienced in long-term marriages and emotional affairs. A neutral space can help both of you speak truths that feel too risky at home. It will also help you understand whether she wants to stay and rebuild, or whether she is emotionally preparing to leave.
As for “accepting your fate,” I want to be very clear: accepting a life where you feel invisible, undesired, and emotionally alone is not a virtue. It is a slow form of self-erasure. Your children benefit most not from parents who silently endure, but from adults who model honesty, self-respect, and emotional responsibility.
You don’t have to decide everything right now. But you do need to stop carrying this alone. The next step is not divorce or resignation — it’s an honest, calm, courageous conversation focused on emotional truth. From there, the path forward will become clearer, even if it’s difficult.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |648 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 16, 2025Hindi
Relationship
My husband doesn't lock the door when we have s**. This was the main reason for his ex-wife to divorce him. His parents feel that it is safer to keep the door unlocked in case of emergencies. But honestly,I feel awkward. I am not comfortable. Once his sister casually walked in to pick up some stuff, ignoring us on the bed. I was clothed but it still made me feel uncomfortable. We don't have a private bedroom but we use the bed at night. There are two shared wardrobes in the room which people need to access. I have explained this to my husband but he says I need to learn to adjust and work around it. Even if the door is closed, I always fear that someone might just walk in. What to do?
Ans: This is not a small preference issue. This is about personal boundaries and bodily autonomy. Even if nothing “bad” has happened, the fear of being walked in on is enough to make your body stay tense. That anxiety alone can affect your sense of dignity, desire, and emotional security. The fact that his ex-wife divorced him over the same issue tells you that this pattern is longstanding and not something you are imagining.
Your husband and his parents may frame this as “safety” or “emergency access,” but that argument does not hold when weighed against your right to privacy. Emergencies are rare; violations of comfort are happening now. A locked door during intimacy does not mean negligence—it means respect. Many families manage emergencies with simple alternatives like knocking, calling out, or keeping keys for true emergencies. What’s happening instead is that your need for privacy is being minimized, and you are being asked to suppress discomfort for the convenience of others.
The incident with his sister casually entering is especially important. Even though you were clothed, your body registered that as a boundary breach. The fact that it was brushed off is likely reinforcing your fear that this could happen again. Over time, this can quietly erode trust and sexual comfort—not because you’re “overthinking,” but because your nervous system is constantly on alert.
You need to shift the conversation with your husband away from “adjustment” and toward non-negotiable boundaries. This isn’t about arguing logic; it’s about stating a clear emotional and physical limit. You might say something like:
“I cannot feel safe or comfortable being intimate without privacy. This isn’t something I can adjust to. If intimacy continues without a locked door, I will start avoiding it—not out of punishment, but because my body feels unsafe.”
That’s not a threat. That’s honesty.
If the room layout is genuinely impractical, then the solution is not for you to tolerate discomfort, but for the household to change logistics—restricted access at night, fixed timings, or creating a private space. Privacy is a shared responsibility, not a burden placed on one person to endure.
If your husband continues to dismiss this after you clearly express it, that’s a deeper issue than doors. It signals a lack of attunement to your emotional safety, and that deserves serious attention—possibly with a counselor, especially given that this issue has already broken a marriage before.
You are not asking for something unreasonable. You are asking for respect.

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Anu

Anu Krishna  |1754 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 18, 2025

Relationship
Mam, I know some ways by which i can change my state of mind from lazy to working.. and having pressure/deadline helps to move on. But still I'm get trapped in guilt of actions and don't feel confident that next time i will be able to control myself..( cuz some actions give short pleasure/gratification easily.. but guilts also). And in all those silent, sad, depressed emotional time my Real working time gets wasted.. and feels like I just live in more guilt and saddness..even if it hurts. But don't wanna live like that!! What I do?
Ans: Dear Work,
Focus in any area of Life comes only when you realize WHY you are doing WHAT you are doing in that area.
For eg: If you decide to lose weight and just randomly join the gym without understanding WHY you are in the gym, a few days later, you will drop out. Mind you, that LOSING WEIGHT is not your reason; WHY do you want to lose that weight is the only thing that will keep you focused and motivated.
Hence, if you are giving into short term distractions, then obviously whatever it is that you are doing is not interesting you and so you get easily distracted.
Take one area of your life at a time; drop your goals in paper and mark a strong WHY against each. If it isn't motivating you enough, go back to the Drawing Board and do the exercise until you find that fire in your belly.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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