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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 15, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Apr 13, 2024Hindi
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I have sip from 3 years 1. Nippon small cap fund direct growth 2k 2. SBI small cap fund direct growth 2k Recently added 3 HDFC defence fund direct growth 2k 4 Quant infrastructure fund direct growth2k 5 Aditya Birla sun life PSU quite fund direct growth 2k 6 DSP NAtural resources and new energy fund direct growth 2k 7 NIppon india large cap fund direct growth 2k 8 Motilal Oswal mid cap fund direct growth 2k Goal is to have 10-15l in 3-4-5 years

Ans: Your SIP portfolio appears diversified across different fund categories, which is good for spreading risk. However, having too many funds can sometimes lead to overlapping and may not necessarily enhance returns. Consider consolidating into fewer funds with strong track records and proven strategies. Additionally, given your goal horizon of 3-5 years, ensure that the risk profile of the funds aligns with your investment horizon. Regularly review and adjust your portfolio as needed to stay on track towards your goal.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Omkeshwar

Omkeshwar Singh  | Answer  |Ask -

Head, Rank MF - Answered on Feb 20, 2020

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I am presently doing a monthly SIP of Rs 60,000 in following funds and increase it every year by 10%. Kindly suggest me whether I am on right track or need some changes as my target is to generate at least Rs 12 crore in next 20 years for my retirement & daughter’s marriage. ICICI Bluechip Fund- Rs.3000 ICICI Value Discivery-Rs.3000 ICICI Mid Cap-Rs.2000 ICICI Multicap- Rs.2000 Motilal Oswal Multicap-35 – Rs.7000 Motilal Focussed 25- Rs.2500 Mirae Asset Large Cap-Rs.6000 HDFC Balanced Advantage-Rs.8000 Kotak Standard Multicap-Rs.6000 Franklin Smaller Companies Fund- Rs.6000 Axis Long Term Equity Fund-Rs.15000  Also investing about Rs 4,00,000/annum in NPS, ULIP, LIC & FDs. Name of the Fund Category RankMF Star Rating A. ICICI Bluechip Fund- Rs.3000 Equity - Large Cap Fund: 2 B. ICICI Value Discivery-Rs.3000 Equity - Value Fund: 2 C. ICICI Mid Cap-Rs.2000 Equity - Mid Cap Fund: 2 D. ICICI Multicap- Rs.2000 Equity - Multi Cap Fund: 2 E. MotilalOswal Multicap-35 – Rs.7000 Equity - Multi Cap Fund: 5 F. Motilal Focussed 25- Rs.2500 Equity - Focused Fund 5 G. Mirae Asset Large Cap-Rs.6000 Equity - Large Cap Fund: 4 H. HDFC Balanced Advantage-Rs.8000 Hybrid - Balanced Advantage 4 I. Kotak Standard Multicap-Rs.6000 Equity - Multi Cap Fund: 4 J. Franklin Smaller Companies Fund- Rs.6000 Equity - Small Cap Fund: 1 K. Axis Long Term Equity Fund-Rs.15000 Equity - ELSS 5
Ans: You may continue with 4 and 5 star rated funds; for remaining you may consider from below:

Equity - Value Fund:

  1. Tata Equity Pe Fund - Growth
  2. UTI Value Opportunities Fund - Growth Plan

Equity - Multi Cap Fund:

  1. UTI Equity Fund – Growth
  2. Axis Multicap Fund – Growth

Equity - Large Cap Fund:

  1. UTI Mastershare Unit Scheme - Growth Plan
  2. LIC MF Large Cap Fund-growth

Equity - Mid Cap Fund:

  1. MOSL Midcap 30 Fund – Growth
  2. DSP midcap – growth

Equity - Small Cap Fund:

  1. Kotak Small Cap Fund – Growth
  2. Axis Small cap Fund - Growth

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 30, 2024

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Hi I m 43 years old and have SIP in following M.F 1. Quant small cap fund direct growth 50000, 2. ICICI PRUDENTIAL SMALL CAP DIRECT 50000, 3. AXIS S&P 500 ETF 50000, 4. QUANT HEALTH CARE 50000, 5. HDFC SMALL CAP 30000, 6. ICICI PRUD. BHARAT 22 FOF 30000, 7. NIPPON INDIA SMALL CAP SIP 5000 MONTHLY, MOTILAL OSWAL MIDCAP 5000 MONTHLY, QUANT MICAP 5000 MONTHLY.
Ans: Assessment of Current Mutual Fund Portfolio for Long-term Growth

Portfolio Overview:

Your current mutual fund (MF) portfolio consists of a mix of small-cap, mid-cap, sectoral, and ETF funds, indicating a diversified investment approach. Here's an analysis of each fund:

Quant Small Cap Fund (Direct Growth):

Small-cap funds offer high growth potential but come with increased volatility.
Your substantial investment in this fund reflects your risk appetite and growth objectives.
ICICI Prudential Small Cap Fund (Direct):

Similar to the Quant Small Cap Fund, this fund aims for capital appreciation from small-cap stocks.
Investing in multiple small-cap funds adds diversification but requires careful monitoring due to volatility.
Axis S&P 500 ETF:

ETFs provide exposure to top U.S. companies, offering diversification and stability.
This fund adds international exposure to your portfolio, hedging against domestic market risks.
Quant Healthcare Fund:

Sectoral funds focus on specific industries, offering potential growth opportunities.
Healthcare funds can benefit from industry-specific tailwinds but may also face regulatory and market risks.
HDFC Small Cap Fund:

Another small-cap fund in your portfolio, contributing to high-growth potential.
This fund's performance should be monitored closely due to the inherent volatility of small-cap stocks.
ICICI Prudential Bharat 22 FOF:

FOFs invest in a basket of stocks mirroring an underlying index, providing diversification.
Bharat 22 FOF offers exposure to a diversified portfolio of public sector enterprises and other blue-chip stocks.
Nippon India Small Cap SIP, Motilal Oswal Midcap, Quant Midcap:

Monthly SIPs in small and mid-cap funds demonstrate a focus on high-growth segments of the market.
These funds offer the potential for capital appreciation over the long term but come with increased risk.
Portfolio Assessment:

Your MF portfolio reflects a high-risk, high-growth investment strategy, suitable for long-term wealth creation. However, the heavy allocation to small-cap and mid-cap funds may expose your portfolio to higher volatility. Here are some recommendations:

Diversification: Consider rebalancing your portfolio to include a mix of large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability and risk mitigation.
Regular Review: Monitor the performance of individual funds and consider reallocation if any underperform consistently.
Asset Allocation: Assess your risk tolerance and adjust your asset allocation accordingly to maintain a balanced portfolio.
Exit Strategy: Define exit criteria for each fund to avoid emotional decision-making during market fluctuations.
Conclusion:

Your MF portfolio is well-aligned with your high-risk appetite and long-term investment horizon. By diversifying across market segments and regularly reviewing your portfolio, you can work towards achieving your wealth creation goals over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 30, 2024

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Money
Hi I m 43 years old and have SIP in following M.F 1. Quant small cap fund direct growth 50000, 2. ICICI PRUDENTIAL SMALL CAP DIRECT 50000, 3. AXIS S&P 500 ETF 50000, 4. QUANT HEALTH CARE 50000, 5. HDFC SMALL CAP 30000, 6. ICICI PRUD. BHARAT 22 FOF 30000, 7. NIPPON INDIA SMALL CAP SIP 5000 MONTHLY, MOTILAL OSWAL MIDCAP 5000 MONTHLY, QUANT MICAP 5000 MONTHLY.
Ans: Assessing Your Mutual Fund Portfolio for Long-Term Growth

Diversification Analysis:

Your mutual fund portfolio reflects a diverse mix of funds across various categories and themes. Let's evaluate each category's suitability for your financial goals and risk appetite.

Evaluation of Fund Choices:

Small Cap Funds:

Quant Small Cap Fund, ICICI Prudential Small Cap, and Nippon India Small Cap SIP offer exposure to small-cap companies with high growth potential.
Small caps tend to be more volatile but can deliver superior returns over the long term.
Mid Cap Funds:

Motilal Oswal Midcap and Quant Midcap provide exposure to mid-sized companies poised for growth.
Mid caps offer a balance between growth potential and risk compared to small caps.
Large Cap and Index Funds:

Axis S&P 500 ETF offers exposure to the top 500 US companies, providing diversification and stability.
ICICI Prudential Bharat 22 FOF invests in a basket of Indian public sector enterprises and private sector companies.
Sectoral and Thematic Funds:

Quant Health Care focuses on the healthcare sector, offering potential growth opportunities.
HDFC Small Cap Fund invests in small-cap companies and may provide higher returns over the long term.
Portfolio Adjustment and Future Strategy:

Review Investment Goals:

Assess whether your current investment allocation aligns with your financial objectives, risk tolerance, and time horizon.
Consider rebalancing your portfolio if necessary to ensure it remains in line with your goals.
Risk Management:

Given your age of 43 years, ensure that your portfolio strikes the right balance between growth potential and risk mitigation.
Review the concentration of small and mid-cap funds, which tend to be more volatile.
Performance Monitoring:

Regularly monitor the performance of individual funds against their benchmarks and peer group.
Evaluate the consistency of returns and the fund manager's track record in delivering results.
Asset Allocation:

Consider diversifying across asset classes such as equities, debt, and other alternative investments to reduce portfolio risk.
Reassess the allocation to small and mid-cap funds to ensure adequate diversification.
Conclusion:

Your current mutual fund portfolio demonstrates a well-diversified approach to wealth creation. However, it's essential to periodically review and adjust your investments based on changing market conditions and financial goals. Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner for personalized advice tailored to your specific needs.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 29, 2024Hindi
Money
My Age is 43. my monthly salary is 75K. My home loan EMI is Rs. 15000/- per month (Loan Amt: Rs. 20 Lakhs for 20 Yrs) . I have started SIP's of Rs. 12000 per month since 1.5 yrs. My Goal is for 3 Crores in next 10-15 yrs. My SIP fund details are: 1. TATA SMALL CAP FUND- RS. 2000 2. Quant Mid Cap Fund - Rs. 2500 3. Canara Robeco Small Mid Cap Fund - Rs. 1000 4. Nippon India Small Cap Fund - Rs. 2500 5. ICICI Blue chip Fund Growth - Regular - Rs. 2000 6. ICICI Prudential Mutual Fund - Growth - Rs. 2000 Kindly guide to achieve the expected target within the 10-15 yrs. Thank you.
Ans: Current Financial Snapshot
At 43 years old, you earn Rs. 75,000 monthly. You have a home loan EMI of Rs. 15,000 per month. Your goal is to accumulate Rs. 3 crores in the next 10-15 years. You’ve been investing Rs. 12,000 per month in SIPs for 1.5 years. Let’s assess how you can achieve this ambitious target.

SIP Portfolio Analysis
Your current SIPs are spread across small-cap, mid-cap, and large-cap funds. Here’s a detailed evaluation of your portfolio:

Small-Cap Exposure: You’ve allocated Rs. 6,500 monthly to small-cap funds. Small-cap funds have the potential for high returns but come with high risk. At 43, it’s essential to strike a balance between growth and stability.

Mid-Cap Allocation: Rs. 2,500 per month is invested in a mid-cap fund. Mid-cap funds are a good mix of growth and risk, offering potential returns while being slightly less volatile than small-cap funds.

Large-Cap Focus: Rs. 2,000 per month is in a large-cap fund. Large-cap funds are more stable, investing in well-established companies. This provides a solid foundation for your portfolio.

Balanced Fund: Your investment in a fund that likely balances equity and debt adds some stability to your portfolio. This is a wise choice for risk management.

Enhancing Portfolio Diversification
Your current SIPs are heavily weighted towards small-cap funds, which are volatile. Diversifying your portfolio will reduce risk and increase the likelihood of reaching your Rs. 3 crore goal.

Increase Large-Cap Allocation: Large-cap funds offer more stability and consistent returns. Consider increasing your monthly SIP contribution to large-cap funds. This will add balance to your portfolio and reduce risk.

Introduce Balanced or Hybrid Funds: Balanced funds invest in both equity and debt. They provide growth potential while reducing volatility. Adding such funds can help stabilize your portfolio.

Reduce Small-Cap Exposure: While small-cap funds have high growth potential, they are also highly volatile. Given your age and goals, consider reducing your small-cap exposure.

Actively Managed Funds vs. Index Funds
Actively managed funds, which your portfolio consists of, can outperform index funds, especially in the Indian market. Here’s why actively managed funds are a better choice:

Higher Potential Returns: Actively managed funds aim to outperform the market. This can result in higher returns compared to index funds.

Professional Management: These funds are managed by professionals who actively make investment decisions based on market conditions. This increases the chances of capitalizing on market opportunities.

Avoid Index Funds: Index funds simply track the market and may not provide the returns you need to meet your Rs. 3 crore goal. The lack of active management in index funds can be a disadvantage in a dynamic market like India.

The Importance of Regular Funds
Investing through regular funds via a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) offers several benefits. Here’s why it might be better than direct funds:

Expert Guidance: A CFP can provide tailored advice based on your financial goals, risk tolerance, and market conditions. This helps in optimizing your portfolio.

Risk Management: CFPs help in balancing risk by suggesting appropriate asset allocation. This ensures your investments align with your risk appetite.

Periodic Reviews: Regular funds managed through a CFP are reviewed periodically. This helps in making necessary adjustments based on market conditions or changes in your financial goals.

Increasing SIP Contributions
To achieve your Rs. 3 crore goal, consider increasing your SIP contributions. Here’s why and how you should do it:

Annual Increase: Consider increasing your SIPs by 10-15% annually. This will help you accumulate a larger corpus over time. An annual step-up in your SIPs aligns with potential salary increments.

Step-Up SIPs: Some mutual funds offer a step-up SIP option. This feature allows your SIP contribution to increase automatically each year. This is a convenient way to boost your investments without needing to manually adjust your SIP amount.

Additional Investments: Besides increasing SIPs, consider making lump sum investments whenever you have surplus funds. This will further enhance your portfolio’s growth potential.

Managing Home Loan and Investments
Your home loan EMI of Rs. 15,000 is manageable but should be carefully balanced with your investment commitments.

Loan Prepayment: If you receive any bonuses or windfalls, consider using a portion to prepay your loan. This will reduce your interest burden and free up more money for investments.

EMI and SIP Balance: Ensure that your EMI and SIP contributions are well balanced. Don’t stretch yourself too thin. It’s important to maintain a healthy cash flow to manage both commitments comfortably.

Tax Planning and Wealth Accumulation
Effective tax planning is crucial for maximizing your returns and reaching your Rs. 3 crore goal. Here’s how you can optimize tax benefits:

Utilize Section 80C: Ensure that your investments like PPF, ELSS, and life insurance premiums fully utilize the Rs. 1.5 lakh deduction under Section 80C. This will reduce your taxable income and increase your savings.

Tax-Efficient Funds: Consider investing in tax-efficient funds such as ELSS, which provides tax benefits along with growth potential. This will enhance your overall returns.

Retirement Planning
As you approach your 50s, retirement planning becomes increasingly important. Here’s how to ensure you’re on track:

Dedicated Retirement Fund: Consider setting up a separate retirement fund. This could include NPS, PPF, or a retirement-specific mutual fund. These instruments offer a good mix of equity and debt, which is ideal for long-term growth and stability.

Review Retirement Goals: Regularly assess your retirement corpus to ensure it aligns with your future needs. Adjust your savings rate if necessary to meet your retirement goals.

Final Insights
Achieving a Rs. 3 crore corpus in 10-15 years requires a balanced and disciplined approach. Start by diversifying your SIP portfolio, increasing your SIP contributions, and considering additional investments. Manage your home loan effectively and optimize your tax planning to maximize savings. Regularly review and adjust your financial strategy as needed. With the right approach, your goal is well within reach.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
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I am 66 years old and retired and have one daughter married and well settled and has 2 children aged 5 years son and 3 years daughter. I have no liabilities and have a family income of Rs.3 lakhs per month thru rental. My monthly expenses is Rs 50 K per month and annual payments of medical, vehicle and property tax is Rs.3.25 Lakhs. I have direct equity invested around 1.2 CR and Invested in PMS now valued at Rs.85 Lakhs. I have plot valued at 1.6 CR and 2 independent house valued at 3cr. I have a commercial property which gives me above rental is valued at Rs.5 CR. Now kindly advise me how i should investment my earnings which will help my daughter and 2 grand children for for their future education. My above income is after paying the taxes to the government. I lead a simple life and travel every year 2 times.
Ans: Your financial position is strong with no liabilities.

Monthly rental income of Rs. 3 lakhs covers your expenses and lifestyle.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 and annual expenses of Rs. 3.25 lakhs leave ample surplus.

You have diversified assets, including equity (Rs. 1.2 crore), PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs), real estate (Rs. 9.6 crore), and regular rental income.

You lead a simple life, which allows significant potential for wealth accumulation and legacy planning.

Investment Goals
Your primary focus is to:

Ensure financial security for your family.

Support your daughter and grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Maintain sufficient liquidity for personal travel and unexpected medical costs.

Recommendations for Asset Allocation
1. Equity Investments
Your current direct equity portfolio (Rs. 1.2 crore) and PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs) are commendable.

Direct equity requires active tracking and expertise.

Shift part of your direct equity to regular mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular funds offer professional management and long-term growth.

Retain PMS if it meets your return expectations and aligns with your risk appetite.

2. Emergency Fund
Allocate 6–12 months of expenses to liquid funds.

This ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses or emergencies.

Investments for Daughter and Grandchildren
1. Education Fund for Grandchildren
Start investing in child-focused mutual funds for their education.

Choose regular funds through an experienced Certified Financial Planner.

These funds offer professional management and goal-based growth.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity funds can help accumulate the required corpus.

2. Legacy Fund
Invest in diversified mutual funds for wealth creation.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.

This portfolio can grow steadily while preserving wealth.

Real Estate Diversification
Avoid further investments in real estate.

Real estate is illiquid and challenging to manage during retirement.

Liquidate one property if diversification is needed.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds or bonds.

Fixed Income Options
Consider investing in corporate bonds or debentures for steady income.

Choose bonds rated “AAA” for safety.

Avoid annuities as they provide low returns and limited flexibility.

Tax-Efficient Planning
Review tax-saving strategies with a Certified Financial Planner.

Equity investments (LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%) are tax-efficient.

Ensure proper tax documentation for real estate and rental income.

Track PMS returns and tax implications yearly.

Liquidity and Annual Expenses
Set aside Rs. 25–30 lakhs in a liquid fund.

This covers your annual travel, property taxes, and medical expenses.

Keep medical insurance for yourself and your family updated.

Succession and Estate Planning
Create a will to ensure smooth asset transfer.

Include clear instructions for property distribution.

Discuss creating a trust for your grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Travel and Lifestyle Funding
Use rental income surplus to fund annual travel.

Avoid withdrawing from long-term investments for discretionary expenses.

Final Insights
You have built a strong financial foundation.

Focus on simplifying investments for better management.

Diversify and invest in professionally managed mutual funds.

Plan for family needs with a balanced approach to risk and growth.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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