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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10881 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 02, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
William Question by William on Apr 15, 2024Hindi
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I will retire in 3 years with a pension of 1L. My only son, 26 is an art critic and may not be getting a regular income. I want to set up 2 SWPs with 50L in each to support him throughout his life. I bought him an apartment recently. He intends to stay single. Can I invest in HDFC BAF and SBI long term equity fund ?

Ans: it's natural to want to ensure your son's financial security, especially when he's pursuing a career path that may not offer consistent income. Setting up Systematic Withdrawal Plans (SWPs) from mutual funds can be a prudent way to provide him with a steady stream of income. When choosing funds for SWPs, it's crucial to prioritize stability, longevity, and growth potential.

Considering your son's long-term financial needs, investing in well-established equity funds known for their consistent performance and track record of generating returns over the years could be a wise choice. These funds not only have the potential to grow your investment but also offer the flexibility to withdraw funds periodically to support your son's lifestyle.

As a parent, it's understandable to want the best for your child, and investing in mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner's guidance can help ensure that your son's financial future is secure. While real estate is often seen as a traditional investment avenue, mutual funds offer liquidity, diversification, and professional management, making them an attractive option for achieving long-term financial goals. Ultimately, investing in SWPs reflects your love and foresight in providing ongoing support to your son, even after you retire.
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10881 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Apr 15, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 15, 2024Hindi
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I will retire in 3 years with a pension of 1L. I want to set up 2 SWPs with one 1Cr, 50L in each to support my son throughout his life. He is an art critic and may not be getting regular income. Can I have HDFC BAF and SBI long term equity fund ?
Ans: The funds you've chosen, HDFC Balanced Advantage Fund (HDFC BAF) and SBI Long Term Equity Fund, can be a good starting point for your son's situation, but there are a few things to consider:

Diversification within your chosen options:

Both HDFC BAF and SBI Long Term Equity Fund invest in equities, though HDFC BAF also has a debt component. This means they are both susceptible to stock market fluctuations. While SBI Long Term Equity Fund aims for long-term growth, there can still be volatility in the short term.
Considering your son's situation:

Art critic income: Since your son's income may be irregular, having some stability in the SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan) could be beneficial. HDFC BAF with its debt component might offer a more stable withdrawal compared to SBI Long Term Equity Fund which is purely equity based.
Alternatives for diversification:

Debt funds: To provide more stability, consider adding a debt fund to the mix. This would lower the overall risk profile of the portfolio.
Hybrid funds: You could explore other balanced advantage funds or aggressive hybrid funds that offer a mix of equity and debt with a growth bias.
Here's a recommendation to consider:

1 SWP from HDFC BAF: This can provide some stability with the debt component.
1 SWP from a Debt Fund: This would provide a more regular income stream. You can choose a short or medium-term debt fund based on your son's risk appetite and how soon he might need the money.
Remember:

This is a general recommendation, and it's always best to consult a financial advisor for personalized advice considering your son's risk tolerance, financial goals, and investment timeline.
An advisor can help you with the asset allocation between the chosen funds and tailor the SWP amounts based on your son's needs.
Here are some resources that can help you do further research:

Balanced Advantage Funds: https://www.etmoney.com/mutual-funds/hybrid/dynamic-asset-allocation/74
Debt Funds: https://www.investopedia.com/terms/d/debtfund.asp
SWP in Mutual Funds: https://www.investopedia.com/articles/retirement/09/systematic-withdrawal-plan-work-for-you.asp

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10881 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 27, 2024

Money
My father's is retiring next year in 2025 and would like to Invest Rs 50 Lakhs I I need to know best funds for SWP which would provide 20-25K monthly Income ?
Ans: Congratulations to your father on his upcoming retirement! It's wonderful that he is thinking about how to invest his Rs. 50 lakhs to generate a steady monthly income. Let’s explore the best options for setting up a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) to provide a monthly income of Rs. 20,000-25,000.

Understanding SWP (Systematic Withdrawal Plan)
A Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) is an excellent option for retirees. It allows regular withdrawals from a lump sum investment in mutual funds. This way, your father can receive a fixed amount monthly while keeping the rest of his money invested.

Benefits of SWP
Regular Income: SWP ensures a steady income stream, making it easier to manage monthly expenses. This is particularly beneficial during retirement when a consistent cash flow is essential.

Tax Efficiency: SWP can be more tax-efficient than traditional fixed deposits. Only the capital gains portion of the withdrawal is taxed, not the principal amount. This can lead to significant tax savings, especially over the long term.

Capital Appreciation: The remaining invested amount continues to grow, offering potential capital appreciation over time. This means your father's investment can keep pace with inflation and potentially increase in value.

Flexibility: SWP allows changes in withdrawal amounts and frequency based on financial needs. If your father's expenses increase or decrease, he can adjust the SWP accordingly.

Factors to Consider When Choosing Funds for SWP
Risk Tolerance
Your father's risk tolerance is crucial. Since he is retiring, preserving capital while generating income is vital. Balanced funds or conservative hybrid funds are ideal. They offer a mix of equity and debt, providing stability and growth potential.

Investment Horizon
Although your father needs regular income, the investment horizon should be long-term. This helps mitigate market volatility and maximizes returns. A mix of equity and debt ensures that the portfolio is not overly exposed to market risks.

Fund Performance
Choose funds with a consistent track record. Look for funds that have performed well over the last 5-10 years. Stability and reliability are key when selecting funds for retirement income. Past performance is not a guarantee of future returns, but it can indicate how the fund has managed market cycles.

Expense Ratio
Opt for funds with low expense ratios. High expense ratios can eat into returns, reducing the amount available for monthly withdrawals. A lower expense ratio means more of your money stays invested and working for you.

Professional Management
Actively managed funds are preferable. They are managed by experienced professionals who adjust the portfolio based on market conditions. This reduces risk and improves returns compared to index funds. Active management can provide the necessary expertise to navigate volatile markets and optimize returns.

Types of Funds Suitable for SWP
Balanced Funds
Balanced funds invest in a mix of equities and debt. They provide stability and growth, making them ideal for SWP. They aim to balance risk and return, which is crucial for retirees. By investing in both equities and debt, balanced funds can offer the potential for higher returns than pure debt funds while maintaining a lower risk profile than pure equity funds.

Conservative Hybrid Funds
These funds invest primarily in debt instruments and a smaller portion in equity. They offer stability with some growth potential. They are suitable for investors with a low risk appetite. The debt component provides steady income and preserves capital, while the equity component offers growth potential.

Equity Savings Funds
These funds invest in a mix of equity, debt, and arbitrage opportunities. They offer moderate risk and return. The debt component provides stability, while the equity component offers growth. Arbitrage opportunities help in reducing risk further and can provide consistent returns even in volatile markets.

Monthly Income Plans (MIPs)
MIPs primarily invest in debt instruments and a small portion in equity. They aim to provide regular income while preserving capital. They are suitable for conservative investors. The primary goal of MIPs is to provide a steady income stream, making them ideal for retirees looking for regular income.

Setting Up the SWP
Calculating the Withdrawal Amount
To generate Rs. 20,000-25,000 monthly, the SWP should be set up based on expected returns. Assuming a conservative annual return of 8%, an SWP can be structured to withdraw around Rs. 20,000-25,000 monthly without depleting the capital too quickly. This calculation ensures that the withdrawals are sustainable over the long term.

Starting the SWP
Once the funds are selected, invest the Rs. 50 lakhs in these funds. Set up the SWP to withdraw the desired amount monthly. Regularly review and adjust the SWP based on fund performance and changing needs. It's important to start the SWP after understanding the withdrawal rate that ensures the capital lasts through the retirement period.

Tax Implications
SWP is tax-efficient. Only the capital gains portion of the withdrawal is taxed. Long-term capital gains from equity funds (held for more than a year) are taxed at 10% above Rs. 1 lakh per year. Short-term gains are taxed at 15%. Debt fund gains are taxed based on the holding period, with indexation benefits for long-term gains. Understanding the tax implications can help in effective planning and maximizing after-tax returns.

Monitoring and Adjusting the SWP
Regular Review
Regularly review the SWP and the performance of the funds. This ensures the strategy remains aligned with financial goals. Adjustments might be necessary based on market conditions and changing financial needs. Regular reviews help in ensuring that the withdrawals are sustainable and the investment continues to meet the income needs.

Rebalancing the Portfolio
Periodically rebalance the portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation. This ensures the portfolio remains aligned with risk tolerance and investment goals. Rebalancing helps in managing risk and ensuring that the investment strategy remains effective.

Emergency Fund
Maintain an emergency fund separate from the SWP. This provides a buffer for unexpected expenses without disrupting the SWP. An emergency fund ensures that you don't have to withdraw more than planned from the SWP, preserving the capital for future needs.

Final Insights
Investing Rs. 50 lakhs through an SWP is a smart move for generating a steady monthly income for your father. By choosing the right mix of balanced, conservative hybrid, equity savings, and monthly income plans, he can achieve a stable income while preserving his capital. Regular reviews and adjustments will ensure the SWP remains effective and aligned with his financial goals.

Remember, it’s important to consult a certified financial planner for personalized advice. They can help tailor the SWP to your father’s specific needs and circumstances, ensuring a secure and comfortable retirement.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10881 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 05, 2024

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Good evening Sir ; My queries are regarding SWP for really long term periods appx. 40 years . I am expecting a corpus about 3Cr. in the year 2030 when I will be retiring . My son is having ASD ( Autism ) thus very less scope to earn and manage finance independently in his carrier . So , I am planning to manage my corpus such a manner so that he will survive from this corpus till his 60 years of age . For that , I need to generate sufficient fund for more or less 40 years i.e. till 2070 . I am expecting a corpus of Rs. 3 cr. at the year 2030 , 100 % of which will be contributed by MF . Now , I am thinking to put the entire sum in SWP , in order to generate a regular monthly income because I don't see FD or other regular income schemes are not viable to produce a constant flow during such a long period . That's why , I am seeking your novel advices / guidelines in order to prepare a sustainable roadmap towards my future financial planning . for further information , I am assuming three of us will stay together till 2050 & my son will be alone say another 20 years . Also , I am expecting to withdraw 1.5 L per month from 2030 onwards which is divided into 3 equal proportion ( 50k x 3 ) , assuming there will be an average inflation of 6% throughout the time period ( as per inflation history of India since independence ) of 40 years . Now my questions are : 1. Is SWP the right method to sail through this journey comfortably ? Seek your advice for any better path / combination . 2 . What's the tax implication in SWP ? Kindly elaborate a little . 3 . If possible , kindly suggest the best fund ratio for SWP understanding my facts . I am available to provide any further information regarding this . thanking you in advance ; very best regards ; Suprabhat Jatty
Ans: Your concern for your son's future is commendable. Your goal of generating a steady income stream for 40 years through a Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) is a prudent approach given your circumstances.

Addressing Your Questions
1. Is SWP the Right Method?

SWP is a viable option for generating a regular income from your corpus. It allows you to benefit from potential market growth while providing a steady cash flow.
However, it's essential to consider the following:
Market volatility: The value of your corpus will fluctuate with market conditions. This can impact the sustainability of your withdrawals.
Inflation: You've correctly identified inflation as a significant factor. It's crucial to ensure your withdrawal amount keeps pace with inflation to maintain your purchasing power.
Emergency fund: Having a separate emergency fund is advisable to cover unexpected expenses without dipping into your SWP.

2. Tax Implications of SWP
Debt Fund capital gains: If you redeem units, you'll pay capital gains tax, which is added to your income and taxed at your applicable income tax slab.

Long-term capital gains in equity funds: If you redeem units held for more than a year, you'll pay a long-term capital gains tax of 12.5% on the gains exceeding Rs. 1.25 lakh in a financial year.

3. Best Fund Ratio for SWP

Diversification is key. Considering your long-term horizon and the need for income, a balanced approach is recommended.
A mix of equity and debt funds can help manage risk and return.
The exact ratio will depend on your risk tolerance and the market outlook. A typical starting point could be a 60:40 equity-debt mix, but this can be adjusted based on your financial advisor's recommendations.
Regular rebalancing is crucial to maintain your desired asset allocation.

Ensuring Long-Term Sustainability
Regular Review
Annual Review: Regularly review the performance of your investments and the adequacy of the withdrawal amount.

Adjust Allocations: Adjust the equity-debt ratio if needed to maintain the corpus value.

Diversification
Multiple Funds: Invest in a variety of mutual funds to spread risk and enhance returns.

Rebalancing: Periodically rebalance the portfolio to maintain the desired equity-debt ratio.

Professional financial advice: Given the complexity of your situation, consulting with a financial advisor can provide tailored recommendations.

Final Insights
The SWP strategy is suitable for your long-term financial goals. It provides a stable income while allowing for potential growth. Keep in mind the tax implications and the need to adjust for inflation. A balanced mix of equity and debt funds will help in managing risks and ensuring sustainability.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |10881 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 23, 2025Hindi
Money
I am 43, with a monthly net income of 1.7 lakhs per month. Wife with 50k per month with additional earning of 30k from rent. Have a home loan of 45 lakhs with additional 16 lakhs PL. I have a corpus of 5L in MF and stocks and 10 lakhs in pF. I invest in NPS both ER and self contribution since 2019. Have 2 cr term insurance. Household expenses of 75k, EMI PL 40K and home loan 42 K. I invest in 12500 in MF pm and 2500 in gold ETF pm. Start of jan 26 I am increasing 25k in MF, 5K in gold ETF both inc by 10%. I have a 4 year old son. Please guide how to invest these additional amounts and create a SWP fund of 2 lakhs pm in 10 years. Also planning for REIT and govt bond investments from 2027.
Ans: You are managing your financial life well. You have a solid income base. You also show a clear intent to build long-term wealth. You are investing steadily, despite EMIs and living expenses. With a disciplined increase in investments planned from Jan 2026, your financial growth outlook is strong. Let’s now take a 360-degree view and plan towards your goal of creating a monthly SWP of Rs. 2 lakh after 10 years.

Income, Expenses and EMI Commitments

Your family income is Rs. 2.5 lakh monthly.

Rent income adds another Rs. 30,000. That brings it to Rs. 2.8 lakh.

Household expenses are Rs. 75,000 per month.

EMI for personal loan is Rs. 40,000 monthly.

Home loan EMI is Rs. 42,000 monthly.

Total fixed outflow (EMI + expenses) is around Rs. 1.57 lakh.

Assessment:

You still have Rs. 1.23 lakh monthly free cash flow.

This is a very healthy savings capacity.

You already invest Rs. 15,000 in mutual funds and gold ETF.

You plan to increase SIP by Rs. 30,000 from Jan 2026.

This is an excellent step forward.

Existing Assets & Investment Composition

Rs. 5 lakh is invested in mutual funds and stocks.

Rs. 10 lakh in provident fund.

Regular NPS contributions from both employer and employee side.

Rs. 2 crore term insurance in place.

Assessment:

Asset side needs more growth-focused allocation.

PF is conservative. It is not growth oriented.

NPS is long term. Cannot support short term goals.

MF corpus of Rs. 5 lakh is currently low.

This needs faster compounding through consistent SIPs.

Stocks need to be reviewed for quality and balance.

EMIs and Loan Exposure – Key Risk Area

Home loan balance is Rs. 45 lakh.

Personal loan of Rs. 16 lakh is high-interest liability.

Personal loan EMI is Rs. 40,000 per month.

This is a burden on cash flow and investment potential.

Suggestion:

Make personal loan closure a high priority.

If needed, part-pay home loan to reduce tenure or EMI.

Avoid new loans until PL is fully cleared.

Post PL closure, invest that Rs. 40,000 monthly.

This will significantly boost your wealth creation timeline.

Child Planning and Education Fund

Your son is 4 years old now.

Higher education will start after 13–15 years.

Required Action:

Start a dedicated mutual fund SIP for child education.

Use regular route through Certified Financial Planner and MFD.

Avoid direct funds. They don’t offer yearly reviews or behavioural guidance.

Stay away from index funds. They have no protection during market crash.

Actively managed funds give flexibility and better downside risk protection.

Asset Mix Suggestion:

60–70% equity for long-term child goals.

30–40% hybrid or dynamic funds to reduce volatility.

Track this every 18 months with professional help.

Building Rs. 2 Lakh SWP in 10 Years – Step-by-Step Plan

You want Rs. 2 lakh per month as SWP from 2035 onwards. That’s your retirement income.

To achieve this:

You must build a large retirement corpus.

A rough estimate says Rs. 3.5 to 4 crore is needed minimum.

The faster you clear personal loans, the more you can invest.

Increase equity MF SIPs steadily.

Use staggered investments and goal mapping.

Investment Strategy till 2035:

Continue current Rs. 12,500 MF SIP and Rs. 2,500 gold ETF till 2026.

From Jan 2026, increase MF SIP by Rs. 25,000 and gold ETF by Rs. 5,000.

Also, invest the Rs. 40,000 EMI amount from PL once loan closes.

That takes your MF monthly investment to around Rs. 77,500.

Important Notes:

Use SIPs in diversified multi-cap and flexi-cap funds.

Avoid index funds. No active control. Higher downside risk.

Stay away from direct schemes unless guided by Certified Financial Planner.

Invest only through regular plans with MFD and periodic reviews.

Do not invest lump sums without goal linkage.

Why Gold ETFs Need Caution:

Gold is for diversification, not wealth creation.

5–10% of portfolio is enough in gold.

Don’t overinvest. Returns are unpredictable.

Use SIP in gold only as inflation hedge, not as core asset.

Real Estate Investment Trust (REIT) Plan in 2027 – Suggestions

REIT can be explored for income diversification.

Treat it as low-risk, low-return product.

Do not replace mutual funds or equity with REITs.

Allocate only 5–7% of portfolio in REIT.

Evaluate taxation and yield annually.

Govt Bonds Planning from 2027 – Caution and Plan

Govt bonds are safe but fixed return products.

Use them for capital protection, not growth.

Returns may not beat inflation after tax.

Allocate only 10–15% max of portfolio post-retirement.

Review interest rate trends before entering.

Tax Impact and New MF Rules – Be Aware

Equity MF LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh is taxed at 12.5%.

STCG is taxed at 20%.

Debt MF is taxed as per your income slab.

Plan redemptions wisely. Use SWP route after 2035.

Avoid large one-time redemptions to reduce tax burden.

Insurance and Emergency Cover – Essential Review

Rs. 2 crore term insurance is good.

Check term till 60 or 65 years at least.

Family health insurance cover must be Rs. 10 lakh minimum.

Include son in the family floater health plan.

Keep Rs. 4–5 lakh as separate emergency fund in liquid fund.

Do not invest emergency corpus in long-term instruments.

Asset Allocation Plan for You – Broad Outline

Equity Mutual Funds: 55%

Hybrid or Dynamic Funds: 20%

Debt Mutual Funds: 10%

Gold (ETF or SGB): 5%

PF + NPS: 5–10%

REIT + Govt Bonds (post 2027): 5–10%

Final Insights

You are on the right track already. Your income is good and stable.

Your ability to save more from 2026 is your biggest strength.

Clear your personal loan quickly. Invest that EMI wisely.

Do not add new loans. Reduce home loan as early as possible.

Build your mutual fund portfolio steadily. Avoid gold beyond 10%.

REIT and Govt bonds can be small portions. But mutual funds must remain core.

Stay away from index funds and direct plans. Take guidance from Certified Financial Planner.

Build a goal-linked portfolio. Review yearly and adjust. Keep your son’s future safe.

Start early. Stick to plan. Build slowly. Your Rs. 2 lakh monthly SWP is very much possible.

Best Regards,
K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Dr Dipankar

Dr Dipankar Dutta  |1840 Answers  |Ask -

Tech Careers and Skill Development Expert - Answered on Dec 13, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 12, 2025
Career
Dear Sir/Madam, I am currently a 1st year UG student studying engineering in Sairam Engineering College, But there the lack of exposure and strict academics feels so rigid and I don't like it that. It's like they don't gaf about skills but just wants us to memorize things and score a good CGPA, the only skill they want is you to memorize things and pass, there's even special class for students who don't perform well in academics and it is compulsory for them to attend or else the student and his/her parents needs to face authorities who lashes out. My question is when did engineering became something that requires good academics instead of actual learning and skill set. In sairam they provides us a coding platform in which we need to gain the required points for each semester which is ridiculous cuz most of the students here just look at the solution to code instead of actual debugging. I am passionate about engineering so I want to learn and experiment things instead of just memorizing, so I actually consider dropping out and I want to give jee a try and maybe viteee , srmjeee But i heard some people say SRM may provide exposure but not that good in placements. I may not be excellent at studies but my marks are decent. So gimme some insights about SRM and recommend me other colleges/universities which are good at exposure
Ans: First — your frustration is valid

What you are experiencing at Sairam is not engineering, it is rote-based credential production.

“When did engineering become memorizing instead of learning?”

Sadly, this shift happened decades ago in most Tier-3 private colleges in India.

About “coding platforms & points” – your observation is sharp

You are absolutely right:

Mandatory coding points → students copy solutions

Copying ≠ learning

Debugging & thinking are missing

This is pseudo-skill education — it looks modern but produces shallow engineers.

The fact that you noticed this in 1st year already puts you ahead of 80% students.

Should you DROP OUT and prepare for JEE / VITEEE / SRMJEEE?

Although VIT/SRM is better than Sairam Engineering College, but you may face the same problem. You will not face this type of problem only in some top IITs, but getting seat in those IITs will be difficult.
Instead of dropping immediately, consider:

???? Strategy:

Stay enrolled (degree security)

Reduce emotional investment in college rules

Use:

GitHub

Open-source projects

Hackathons

Internships (remote)

Hardware / software self-projects

This way:

College = formality

Learning = self-driven

Risk = minimal

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |646 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 07, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Dear Madam, I was a bright student during my school days and my plan was to become a civil servant but that did not succeed even after several attempts. With the advise of my brother i went ahead and pursued Masters at a normal university in Sydney. I did internship and continued staying with my job though it wasn't my field of study. After that what came as a shock was my brother's divorce. We don't know what is the actual issue till date but I tried a lot to fix the gap by talking to his ex-wife but they were very orthodox. I couldn't see my brother suffer because he had planned and arranged so much for her. I had no choice then so i try to harm his ex-wife by spoiling her reputation thinking she will come back for him. In the mean time i got married to a girl who was her relative too thinking my wife can help us in some case but she turned out to be completely in the opposite direction. She was probably convinced by my brother's ex-wife or their relatives that she is not coming back. Even then my brother tried to go meet his ex-wife through many channels. My wife did not help him at all in any aspect. Finally the divorced happened and everything ended. Now we have sought several proposals but nothing seem to be a good fit for him. Most of the girls whom we met on matrimonial sites are fake profiles with something hidden or falsely represented. I would say my brother escaped all this. But we are worried about his life now as he is already in his 40's and he seem to be struggling for a good job and finance. He is very picky probably but doesn't talk much to all of us. Sometimes he even says the game is over so no point looking at a second marriage. My wife and he fought once when he visited us because she didn't want him in our house and she created a fight putting me in the front. After that he stopped coming to our house or see us or talk to us. Things even gets worse sometimes when her brother comes and visits us and stays at our house which my parents don't like. My parents argue that your brother was not allowed to stay for few months then how come her brother is allowed for several months. What kind of partiality is that? I feel i could not do anything for him despite the fact that he is my only brother. He is good at heart and looked after me when i went abroad financially and even came to meet me few times. I tried to send him money, gifts but he is still the same. He communicates with our parents but not with me nor my wife anymore. Kindly give us a good advise.
Ans: Your brother’s distance is not a rejection of you. It is his way of protecting himself. He went through a difficult marriage, an emotional collapse, and then watched people around him — including you — react out of desperation to fix things for him. Even though your intentions came from love, he may have associated those actions with more pain and pressure. When a person has been wounded, silence feels safer than conversation. His withdrawal simply means he is tired, not that he dislikes you.
You also need to understand that the guilt you are carrying is heavier than it needs to be. You tried to intervene in his marriage because you wanted to protect him, not because you wanted to cause harm. Looking back now, with more maturity and clarity, you see the mistakes, but at that time, you were acting out of fear and love. This is why it’s important to forgive yourself instead of punishing yourself over and over.
The conflict between your wife and your brother only added another layer of stress, because it forced you into choosing sides. Your wife reacted emotionally, your brother pulled away, your parents questioned the imbalance — and in the middle of all this, you lost your sense of peace. But their disagreements are not failures on your part. They are the natural result of people operating from insecurity, fear, and past hurt.
What needs to happen now is a shift in your role. You cannot continue trying to solve everything for everyone. You cannot carry your brother’s marriage, your wife’s fears, and your parents’ judgments all at once. It’s time to step out of the role of rescuer and step into the role of a grounded, calm brother who offers presence, not solutions.
Rebuilding your bond with your brother will not come from pushing proposals, sending gifts, or trying to fix his life. It will come from offering him emotional safety. A simple message, expressing that you are sorry for any hurt, that you care for him, and that you are available whenever he feels ready, will speak louder than any effort to arrange his future. Once you send such a message, the healthiest thing you can do is give him space. Sometimes relationships repair themselves in silence, when pressure is removed.
And for yourself, healing begins when you stop believing that every problem in the family rests on your shoulders. You have given more than enough over the years. Now you deserve emotional rest. You deserve peace. You deserve to feel like a brother, not a crisis manager.
Your brother may take time, but distance does not erase love. When he feels safe, he will come closer again. Your responsibility is not to force that moment, but to make sure you are emotionally steady and ready when it happens.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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