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Investing 10 Lakhs for Child's Education - Your Advice?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 02, 2025

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Anil Question by Anil on Dec 16, 2024Hindi
Money

I want to invest 10lakhs for my kids education(3months old right now) and withdraw school fee from the returns. I will try not to use this money for any other purpose. My plan is to invest this amount in liquid fund and start a STP to in Nifty 50 index fund(50%), midcap Momentum fund(25%), Small cap momentum fund(25%). I want to keep this money only for my kids education purpose only. please let me know whether this is good idea or not. if it is good idea, please suggest fund allocation is correct or not.

Ans: You aim to build an education fund for your child. This is a thoughtful and focused goal.

Your child is 3 months old, giving you a long investment horizon.
The funds will be used for school fees and higher education.
You prefer disciplined investing through a liquid fund and STP.
Your plan is structured, but it needs fine-tuning for better efficiency and reduced risk.

Concerns with Current Allocation
Your current allocation to an index fund, mid-cap momentum fund, and small-cap momentum fund has merits. However, there are concerns:

Index funds lack flexibility: Passive investing in Nifty 50 may not adjust to changing markets. Actively managed funds often perform better over time.
High-risk allocation: A 50% allocation to mid-cap and small-cap funds increases volatility. This could affect returns when funds are needed.
Adjusted Fund Allocation
A more balanced allocation can help achieve your goals:

50% in large-cap equity funds: These are stable and suitable for long-term wealth creation. Actively managed large-cap funds are better than index funds.
30% in flexi-cap or multi-cap funds: These provide diversification across market caps with reduced risk.
20% in hybrid or balanced funds: These mix equity and debt for moderate growth and stability.
This allocation ensures stability, growth, and reduced volatility.

Advantages of Systematic Transfer Plan (STP)
Your plan to use a liquid fund with an STP is excellent.

STPs reduce the risk of market timing by staggering investments.
Liquid funds ensure safety while funds are gradually transferred.
This approach is disciplined and aligns with long-term goals.
Importance of Regular Funds
Direct plans may seem cost-effective but lack professional advice.

Regular plans through a Certified Financial Planner offer ongoing support.
Fund performance and market changes are monitored for better alignment with goals.
Tax Implications to Consider
Understand the taxation rules for your chosen funds:

Equity fund gains above Rs 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5% after one year.
Short-term gains from equity are taxed at 20%.
Debt funds are taxed as per your income slab.
Plan withdrawals to minimise tax impact and maximise returns.

Steps to Build the Education Corpus
Follow these steps to stay on track:

Invest the lump sum in a liquid fund.
Set up an STP into equity funds over 12–18 months.
Review the portfolio every year with a certified financial planner.
Rebalance the portfolio closer to the time when withdrawals are needed.
Emergency Fund Setup
Do not invest the entire Rs 10 lakhs into this plan.

Keep a separate emergency fund to cover unforeseen expenses.
Use liquid funds or a high-interest savings account for emergencies.
Final Insights
Your goal of building a dedicated education fund is commendable. Refine the fund allocation to balance growth and stability. Replace index funds with actively managed funds for better returns. Maintain an emergency fund and review your plan regularly. Disciplined investing and expert guidance will help secure your child's future education needs.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 08, 2024

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Hi Sir ,I am a teacher and Have two children. I am investing in the following for my retirement and child s education. Ppf 6000 Mutual fund in Sbi focused equity 2000 Tata small cap 1500 Quant small cap 2000 Motilal midcap 2000 Kotak emerging equity 2000 Hdfc balanced fund 3000 Hdfc flexi cap 2000 Sbi nifty index fund 2000 Uti momentum 30 index 2000 Please suggest if all the funds are well and it will manage my goals like children studies in 10 to 15 years?
Ans: It's wonderful to see your proactive approach towards securing your retirement and your children's education. Let's review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals:

PPF: This is a great choice for long-term savings due to its tax benefits and safety. Keep contributing regularly to maximize its potential.
Mutual Funds: Your selection of mutual funds seems well-diversified across different categories, including large-cap, small-cap, mid-cap, balanced funds, and index funds. However, having too many funds can sometimes lead to overlap and complexity. Consider consolidating your portfolio to a manageable number of funds while ensuring diversification across asset classes.
Child's Education: For your children's education, ensure that you are investing in a mix of equity and debt instruments to balance risk and returns. Also, consider starting a separate SIP specifically for their education expenses to build a dedicated corpus over time.
Retirement: While investing in equity funds can provide higher returns over the long term, ensure you have a balanced approach considering your risk tolerance and investment horizon. Additionally, review your asset allocation periodically and make adjustments as needed to stay on track towards your retirement goals.
Regular Review: It's essential to review your portfolio regularly and make adjustments based on changes in your financial situation, market conditions, and investment goals. Consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner periodically to ensure your investment strategy remains optimal.
Overall, your investment choices appear well-thought-out, but it's crucial to monitor and fine-tune your portfolio regularly to ensure it continues to meet your financial objectives.

Keep up the excellent work, and continue your disciplined approach towards investing for a secure financial future for you and your family!

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 04, 2024Hindi
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Hi - I am married with two young kids and I am planning to create fund for kids education and my after retirement life. Expected monthly expenses is around 50K. Currently investing in 5 MF invested monthly for last 1.5 years (Nippon Small cap for 4k, Mirae ELSS Tax Saver for 3k, ICICI prudential Passive Multi Asset Fund of Funds for 3k, Zerodha ELSS Tax Saver Nifty LargeMidcap 250 Index fund for 2k [from last 8 months] and Quant Absolute Fund for 3k). Has NPS of 1lac.. Can you help guide if the amount invested is appropriate to meet the desired results?
Ans: Current Financial Situation
Family Status: Married with two young kids

Expected Monthly Expenses: Rs 50,000

Current Investments:

Nippon Small Cap Fund: Rs 4,000
Mirae ELSS Tax Saver Fund: Rs 3,000
ICICI Prudential Passive Multi Asset Fund of Funds: Rs 3,000
Zerodha ELSS Tax Saver Nifty LargeMidcap 250 Index Fund: Rs 2,000
Quant Absolute Fund: Rs 3,000
National Pension System (NPS): Rs 1 lakh

Financial Goals
Fund children's education
Ensure a comfortable retirement
Evaluation and Analysis
Current Investment Strategy
Nippon Small Cap Fund: This provides high growth potential but comes with higher risk.

Mirae ELSS Tax Saver Fund: Offers tax benefits and good returns over the long term.

ICICI Prudential Passive Multi Asset Fund of Funds: Provides diversification across asset classes but has limited growth potential compared to actively managed funds.

Zerodha ELSS Tax Saver Nifty LargeMidcap 250 Index Fund: Offers tax benefits but may not outperform actively managed funds.

Quant Absolute Fund: This is a balanced fund with moderate risk and return.

NPS: A good long-term investment for retirement with tax benefits.

Recommendations
Diversify and Increase SIP Contributions
To better achieve your goals, consider the following adjustments:

Large Cap Fund: Increase your SIP in a large cap fund to Rs 5,000 monthly. Large cap funds provide stability and steady growth.

Mid Cap Fund: Start a SIP of Rs 5,000 monthly in a mid cap fund. Mid cap funds offer higher growth potential with moderate risk.

Flexi Cap Fund: Start a SIP of Rs 3,000 monthly in a flexi cap fund. Flexi cap funds adjust investments across market caps based on market conditions.

International Fund: Start a SIP of Rs 2,000 monthly. This adds geographical diversification and reduces country-specific risks.

Review Existing SIPs
Nippon Small Cap Fund: Continue with your current SIP of Rs 4,000. Small cap funds can deliver high returns over the long term.

Mirae ELSS Tax Saver Fund: Continue your SIP of Rs 3,000. ELSS funds provide tax benefits and good returns.

ICICI Prudential Passive Multi Asset Fund of Funds: Consider reducing or shifting your SIP to an actively managed fund for higher returns.

Zerodha ELSS Tax Saver Nifty LargeMidcap 250 Index Fund: Consider shifting to an actively managed ELSS fund for better performance.

Quant Absolute Fund: Continue your SIP of Rs 3,000. This balanced fund offers moderate risk and returns.

Increase Contributions to NPS
Increase your NPS contribution to Rs 1.5 lakh annually. This will maximize your tax benefits and ensure a secure retirement.
Build an Emergency Fund
Ensure you have an emergency fund that covers at least 6 months of expenses. This fund should be in a liquid and easily accessible form.
Health and Life Insurance
Secure comprehensive health insurance for yourself and your family. This is crucial to cover medical emergencies and prevent financial strain.

Review your life insurance coverage to ensure it is adequate to cover your family's needs in case of an unforeseen event.

Final Insights
Increase your SIP contributions in large cap, mid cap, and flexi cap funds for balanced growth.

Add an international fund for geographical diversification.

Review and adjust your existing SIPs for better performance.

Increase your NPS contribution to maximize tax benefits and ensure a comfortable retirement.

Maintain an emergency fund and secure comprehensive health insurance.

Review your investment portfolio annually with a Certified Financial Planner to stay on track for your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 23, 2024

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I want to invest 10lakhs for my kids education(3months old right now) and withdraw school fee from the returns. I will try not to use this money for any other purpose. My plan is to invest this amount in liquid fund and start a STP to in Nifty 50 index fund(50%), midcap Momentum fund(25%), Small cap momentum fund(25%). I want to keep this money only for my kids education purpose only. please let me know whether this is good idea or not. if it is good idea, please suggest fund allocation is correct or not.
Ans: Your plan to invest Rs. 10 lakhs exclusively for your child’s education shows foresight and commitment. Let us assess your approach and suggest refinements for better alignment with your goals.

Assessment of Your Current Plan
Liquid Fund for STP
Using a liquid fund for the initial investment is prudent. It provides stability and ensures systematic allocation.

Allocation to Index Fund (50%)
An index fund like Nifty 50 has lower costs but lacks active management. Actively managed large-cap funds may deliver better returns during market fluctuations.

Midcap and Small Cap Momentum Funds (25% Each)
Momentum funds can be volatile and require careful monitoring. This allocation might expose your portfolio to higher risk. A balanced mix of midcap and small-cap funds is essential to manage volatility.

Education-Only Approach
Keeping this fund solely for your child’s education is wise. It ensures you stay focused on the goal.

Suggestions for Fund Allocation
Equity Mutual Funds for Growth
Allocate 40%-50% to actively managed large-cap funds. These funds provide stability and reasonable growth.

Midcap Funds for Higher Returns
Allocate 25% to midcap funds. These funds offer a balance between risk and growth.

Small-Cap Funds for Long-Term Growth
Allocate 15%-20% to small-cap funds. Small caps perform well over 7-10 years but are riskier.

Debt Funds for Stability
Allocate 10%-15% to a hybrid or debt fund. This ensures liquidity and lower portfolio risk.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds Over Index Funds
Outperformance During Volatile Markets
Actively managed funds can outperform during downturns. They protect your investment from large market corrections.

Professional Management
Expert fund managers adjust portfolios based on market conditions. This enhances returns over time.

Customisation for Goals
Actively managed funds align better with specific financial goals like education.

Taxation Awareness
Gains from equity funds above Rs. 1.25 lakhs are taxed at 12.5%. Withdrawals should be planned to reduce tax liability.

Tax Implications
Liquid Fund Withdrawals
Interest from liquid funds is taxed per your slab rate. Limit unnecessary withdrawals to save on taxes.

Equity Fund Gains
Long-term capital gains over Rs. 1.25 lakhs are taxed at 12.5%. Avoid frequent redemptions.

Debt Fund Withdrawals
Debt funds are taxed per your income slab for short-term gains. Withdraw selectively to manage taxes effectively.

Regular Monitoring
Track Fund Performance
Review fund performance every six months. Replace underperforming funds if needed.

Adjust Allocations
Rebalance your portfolio annually. Adjust allocations to align with market changes.

Keep the Goal in Mind
Ensure all actions align with the purpose of funding your child’s education.

Emergency Provisions
Emergency Fund
Do not compromise your emergency fund for this investment. Ensure Rs. 3-6 lakhs are set aside.

Health Insurance
Ensure your health cover is adequate. This prevents dipping into your child’s education fund for medical needs.

Final Insights
Your commitment to securing your child’s education is admirable. Refining your plan with actively managed funds can improve returns and manage risks effectively. Regular reviews and disciplined investing will help you achieve your goal.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7435 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 23, 2024

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Hi Mr. Ramalingam, Can I check New Asset class (Specialized Investment Fund SIF) for 10 lakhs investment for my kids education(Right now 4months old). Thank you for your response.
Ans: Investing Rs 10 lakhs for your child’s education is a thoughtful decision.

Your child is 4 months old, so you have a long investment horizon.

Currently, SIF is not yet launched or operational.

Equity Mutual Funds: A Reliable Option
Equity mutual funds are proven for long-term goals like education.

They offer inflation-beating growth over a 15-18 year period.

Start investing now to benefit from compounding.

Choose funds with a consistent track record.

Wait and Observe SIF Performance
SIF is a new asset class and lacks a performance track record.

It’s wise to wait for its launch and review its stability.

Assess the fund's returns, risk profile, and management quality.

Investing in an untested asset could increase risks unnecessarily.

Diversify Investments Over Time
Initially, focus on equity mutual funds for growth.

Later, as SIF stabilises and performs well, consider it.

Diversify across asset classes gradually based on market insights.

Final Insights
Begin with equity mutual funds for your child’s education fund.

Monitor SIF's launch and performance over the next few years.

Decide on SIF only after it demonstrates a solid track record.

Keep your investments aligned with your long-term goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Dr Nagarajan Jsk

Dr Nagarajan Jsk   |197 Answers  |Ask -

NEET, Medical, Pharmacy Careers - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Career
RESPECTED SIR I APPEARED CLASS 12 BOARD IN 2024 BUT I FAIL AND NOW I APPEARING IN FEBRUARY 2025 AGAIN CAN I GIVE NEET 2025 BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE DOCTOR I HAVE DREAM TO BECOME DOCTOR SINCE CLASS 4 I AM AVERAGE STUDENT
Ans: Hi Jaimin,
Greetings.




The answer which i have given below is based on last year.
ANSWER 1: If you want to pursue medicine in ARMED FORCES MEDICAL COLLEGE (AFMC), PUNE, (Information brochure Admission to MBBS course-2024, PAGE NO. 6)

GENERAL 6. A candidate seeking admission to the MBBS Course in AFMC is eligible if he / she fulfils the following criteria: - (a) The candidate should be a citizen of India. Foreign nationals of Indian origin may be admitted into AFMC only after they have acquired Indian Citizenship or in respect of whom the Ministry of Home Affairs issues a certificate of eligibility. This however does not apply to the 05 Govt Sponsored Candidates from Friendly Foreign Countries. (b) Must be unmarried. Marriage during the course is not permitted. (c) Should be medically fit as per prescribed standards by the Govt of India, Ministry of Defence (see Appendix ‘A’). (d) Age criteria: The candidate should have attained the age of 17 years at the time of admission or should be completing that age on or before 31 Dec of the year of admission of the first year of MBBS course but must not have attained the age of 24 years on that date, i.e., must have been born not earlier than 01 January 2001 and not later than 31 December 2007. Academic Qualifications 7. Candidates must have passed one of the qualifying examinations listed at sub-para (a) to (j) below in the FIRST ATTEMPT with English, Physics, Chemistry and Biology/ Bio-technology taken simultaneously and securing not less than 60% of the aggregate marks in these three science subjects taken together and not less than 50% marks in English and 50% marks in each of the science subjects. They must have also passed an examination in Mathematics of the tenth standard. The examinations are: - (a) The Higher Secondary (10+2) or equivalent examination in science of a statutory Indian University/board or other recognized examination body with English, Physics, Chemistry & Biology/ Bio-technology which shall include practical test in all of these science subjects. (b) The Pre-professional/Pre-Medical examination with English, Physics, Chemistry and Biology/ Bio-technology (after passing either Higher Secondary School examination or pre- University or equivalent examination) which shall include practical test in these science subjects. (c) 1st year of three years Degree course of a recognized University with English, Physics, Chemistry, and Biology/ Bio-technology including practical test in science subjects provided the examination is a University Examination.

SO TO GET ADMISSION IN AFMC - 17 YEARS, FIRST ATTEMPT IN HSC, 60% AGGREGATE AND NOT LESS THAN 50% IN ENGLISH AND SCIENCE SUBJECTS.

ACCORDING TO AIIMS:
ELIGIBILITY
For Indian nationals:
An applicant is eligible for admission to the competitive Entrance Examination of the Institute if the following criteria are met with:-
Nationality: He/She is an Indian citizen
Age: He/She has attained or will attain the age of seventeen (17) years as
on the 31st of December of the year of admission. Candidates attaining seventeen   years on 1st January 2001 or later will not be eligible to appear at  the   competitive entrance examination.
Essential
Qualification:   He/She should have passed the12th Class under the 10+2 Scheme /Senior SchoolCertificate Examination or  an equivalent examination of a recognized Board of  any Indian State with ENGLISH and Medical Group of  subjects, namely   PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY  (Botany and  Zoology) :
                                              OR    
The Intermediate Science (I.Sc.) or an equivalent examination of a recognized Indian university or a  recognized Board of Education of any Indian State with ENGLISH and the Medical Group of Subjects,  namely PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY (Botany and Zoology):
                                               OR
Pre-Medical or Pre-Professional examination of the integrate M.B.B.S. course with ENGLISH, PHYSICS,  CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY  (Botany and Zoology); after having passed either the  higher Secondary School Examination o Pre-University Examination, or an equivalent Examination;
                                                 OR
The 1st year examination of the 3-year B.Sc degree course with ENGLISH,  PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Zoology) after passing the Higher Secondary or Pre-University Examination.
OR
Any other examination with the required subjects which in scope and
standard(including its courses and  syllabus) is considered by the institute to be equivalent to Pre-medical/Intermediate Science examination of an Indian University.
Minimum
Aggregate  : He/She should have obtained a minimum of SIXTY PERCENT (60%) marks in aggregate in the 4   compulsory subjects of ENGLISH, PHYSICS, CHEMISTRY (Organic and Inorganic) and BIOLOGY (Botany and Zoology).

FROM PRIVATE COLLEGE: MBBS Course (200 Seats)
Candidates who are citizens of India, NRIs, PIOs, OCIs and foreign nationals are eligible to take NEET.
Qualifying Exam: 10+2 or equivalent with Physics, Chemistry, Biology/Biotechnology and English as core subject in both Classes 11 and 12 from a recognised board.
Minimum Age Requirement: 17 years as on December 31 of the year of admission
Maximum Age Limit: No upper age limit
Qualifying Marks: UR - 50%, OBC/SC/ST - 40%, PWD - 45% (minimum aggregate marks only for PCB subjects)
Maximum Attempts: No limit on the permitted number of attempts.
Nationality:Indian Nationals, NRIs, OCIs, PIOs & Foreign Nationals


Based on the details provided, you are eligible to pursue a medicine course in India, even though you have failed your HSC. Once you clear your +2 exams and achieve the necessary marks to gain admission through NEET, you can apply. However, to gain admission to AIIMS, you must have an aggregate score of 60%. Unfortunately, you are not eligible for admission to AFMC. Therefore, you can consider other options besides AFMC to pursue your studies in medicine.
ALL THE BEST.

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Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |830 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 03, 2025Hindi
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Personal Status Current Age - 35Y Male Profession - Embedded Engineer Disposal Income - 1.6L/Month Monthly Expense - 50K/Month Yearly Onetime Expenses - 3L/Year (School Fee, Premiums, Personal) Annual Disposal Income - 19,20,000 Annual Expenses - 9,00,000 Financial Status (1) Term Insurance - 1Cr (2) Health Insurance (1) Company Insurance - 3L (MySelf, Spouse, 2 Kids, Father and Mother) (2) Personal Insurance - 25L (Star Health Assure Floater Policy - MySelf, Spouse, 2 Kids) (3) Emergency Fund - 5L in Debt Fund (ICICI All Season Bond) Current Asset Allocation: (1) Real Estate - 46% (2) Equity - 20% (3) Gold - 11% (4) Debt - 9% (5) Retirement - 16% Investment Plan: (1) Debt - 25% (2) PPFAS Flexi Cap MF - 20% (3) Axis Mid Cap MF - 17% (4) Quant HealthCare MF - 9% (5) Tata Digital MF - 6% (6) Global Fund - 5% (7) UTI Nifty 50 Index - 10% (8) Stocks - 8% Other Investment (Retirement Plan): SSY - 1.5L/Year PF - 2.5L/Year Investment duration: Next 15Years Can you please guide me in the following questions (1) The Allocation to MF are fine or need to be modified? (2) Can you suggest the allocation to Global Stocks MF? (3) The Global Fund suggestion if any It would be grateful if any other things I need to consider or modify. Thank you in advance!
Ans: Hello;

My feedback is as given below:

1. First your term life cover is not adequate. It should be enhanced to
2-3 Cr.

2. Healthcare coverage for your parents is relatively lower considering that they may be in the higher age band hence higher possibility of medical risks.

3. Emergency fund should be parked in overnight/liquid or arbitrage fund. Never in a dynamic bond fund with Macaulay duration of 3-4 years. Returns are not that important as liquidity and low risk for emergency fund.

4. Considering your age the allocation to equity is quite low. Assuming that you have a conservative risk profile still you should atleast have 40% allocation to equity mutual funds(not direct stocks) and taper it down gradually as you approach retirement age.

I mean actively managed or passive equity mutual funds and not sectoral and thematic funds(shouldn't be more then 10-15% of your equity allocation).

5. You already have exposure to global stocks through your flexicap fund. In addition to that you have 5% allocation to global stocks MF which maybe enhanced to 8%.

To maintain neutrality of this forum we are duty bound to avoid indicating fund house preference or recommendation.

6. Allocation to Gold should be max 10% of the portfolio.

7. Consider NPS for retirement planning. It's an E-E-E type of investment with very less withdrawals allowed before 60.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |118 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Relationship
Dear Doctor, Greetings of the day. I am a married man with two daughters. Ours was an intercaste love marriage, and I was fully aware of my wife’s past before we got married. At that time, I had no issues with her past as I believed she had moved on, and I was completely fine with it. We got married in 2008, and due to my job profile, we had to live away from our hometown. My wife is a highly educated woman, and she sacrificed her career to focus on raising our children. Once our younger daughter turned 9, we decided it was time for my wife to resume her professional career. She started a naturopathy clinic in our hometown, while I continued working in another city, living the life of a “forced bachelor.” However, after a year of being apart, I started missing my family deeply. I decided to leave my job and take up another role closer to our hometown so that I could spend weekends with my family. Since then, whenever I visit home, I sense a change in my wife’s behavior and body language. Things do not feel the same between us anymore. I have observed that her ex-boyfriend, who lives near her parents’ house, is a factor in this situation. Her ex’s elder sister frequently visits my wife’s clinic, and my wife also visits her parents’ house regularly, where he is around. I feel uneasy about this because her ex is known to be a drunkard and a manipulative man who can play with her mind. On one occasion, during a family function, he approached me, seemingly about to start a conversation, but my wife made a subtle signal, and he immediately stopped. He was drunk at the time, and that incident has been stuck in my mind ever since. I am unsure how to deal with this situation or what steps to take moving forward. It is affecting my peace of mind, and I feel lost. Kindly guide me on how to approach this matter.
Ans: It’s understandable that you’re feeling uneasy and concerned about the situation. Relationships, especially long-term ones, evolve over time, and external factors can create complex dynamics. Here’s a step-by-step approach to help you navigate this:

1. Clarify Your Feelings
Reflect on what exactly is making you uncomfortable—your wife’s behavior, her interactions with her ex, or the idea that her past might be resurfacing.
Separate your assumptions from facts. It’s important to ensure your concerns are grounded in reality and not solely based on fears.
2. Open Communication with Your Wife
Choose a calm and private moment to talk to your wife. Share your feelings without accusations or judgment.
Use “I” statements, such as:
“I’ve been feeling uneasy about some things and would like to discuss them with you. I value our relationship and want to ensure we’re on the same page.”
Be honest but gentle. Aim to understand her perspective and ensure she feels safe sharing her thoughts with you.
3. Understand Her Perspective
Ask her how she’s feeling about the current state of your relationship, her work-life balance, and your family dynamics.
Inquire about her interactions with her ex’s family and clarify if they are merely coincidental or something more deliberate.
4. Establish Boundaries
If the situation with her ex is a source of discomfort for you, it’s okay to express that and set boundaries together.
For example: “I respect your independence, but I feel uneasy about the proximity to your ex. Can we find a way to address this together?”
5. Revisit the Relationship Foundation
Long-distance and career changes can create emotional gaps. Reconnect with your wife by revisiting shared goals, dreams, and moments that brought you together.
Plan activities together, even small ones, that allow you to strengthen your bond.
6. Self-Care
Feeling lost and restless can impact your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that help you stay grounded, such as exercise, meditation, or journaling.
Seek support from trusted friends or a counselor if you need a safe space to process your feelings.
7. Consider Professional Guidance
If the situation continues to strain your relationship, couples counseling can be a constructive way to work through concerns with an objective third party.
8. Evaluate the Bigger Picture
Look at your wife’s overall behavior and commitment to the family. If her actions consistently demonstrate care and loyalty, the presence of her ex might be less significant than it feels.
Conversely, if her behavior indicates distance or secrecy, it may warrant deeper introspection and conversation.
Key Principles
Trust but Verify: While trust is essential, it’s okay to seek clarity when something feels off.
Non-Confrontational Approach: Avoid making accusations or assumptions. Focus on fostering mutual understanding.
Focus on Solutions: Work together to create a relationship environment where both of you feel secure and valued.
This is a sensitive issue, but with open communication and a collaborative approach, you can work toward restoring peace of mind and a deeper connection in your marriage.

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Dr Ashish

Dr Ashish Sehgal  |118 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
Relationship
Hi expert I’m a 48-year-old man from Bangalore. I am watching your videos on instagram and need your advice. Recently, I joined Instagram in search of answers to some personal, painful questions that I’ve never had the courage to discuss with anyone before. I’ve been married since 2007, and we have a 15-year-old son. Despite being in a long-term marriage, I often feel uncertain about my relationship with my wife and my family. At times, I wonder if my wife—or anyone in my family—truly loves or even cares for me. This feeling of being emotionally disconnected has led me to occasionally think that I might be better off alone, or even running away from everything. One issue I struggle with is communication with my wife. Whenever I try to discuss personal or family matters with her, she gets upset, and her anger usually leads to silence between us until I apologize. It feels like I can’t express myself openly without the fear of making things worse. This dynamic has created a barrier, and I’ve found it difficult to have meaningful conversations or resolve issues. Another complication is the lack of harmony between my wife and my family. From the early days of our marriage, my family never really accepted her, and there has always been tension. They didn’t make an effort to treat her well, and over time, it became clear that they don’t get along. As a result, there’s a deep sense of isolation for her in my family, and that only adds to the strain in our relationship. At home, I also often feel like I fail to meet expectations. My wife gets angry when things aren’t done the way she wants them to be, and I sometimes find myself unsure of how to navigate these situations. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid conflict, but in doing so, I’m unsure whether I’m making the right choices or whether I’m neglecting my own needs in the process. I’m reaching out for advice because I’m at a point where I feel lost. I’m not sure how to repair the relationships in my life or how to stop feeling so isolated. Any guidance or perspective you can offer would be greatly appreciated.
Ans: Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. I understand how overwhelming it can feel to navigate such complex emotions and relationships, especially when you feel uncertain about where to turn for guidance. Let’s take this step-by-step to explore ways to help you find clarity and strengthen your relationships.

1. Instagram as a Starting Point, Not the Solution
It’s important to acknowledge that while platforms like Instagram can offer inspiration and helpful insights, they’re not designed for addressing deeply personal issues. Content on social media is often generalized and may lack the depth, context, and nuance needed to resolve complex challenges. What you’re experiencing deserves more personalized attention and a safe, professional space where you can explore your thoughts, emotions, and relationship dynamics in depth. Seeking professional help—such as therapy or counseling—will allow you to find tailored solutions that fit your unique circumstances.

2. Understanding Emotional Disconnect
Feeling emotionally disconnected in your marriage and questioning whether your family loves or cares for you can be incredibly painful. These feelings might not reflect the absence of love but rather difficulties in how love and care are communicated within your relationships. Emotional disconnection often stems from patterns of interaction or unmet emotional needs, which can build over time. Recognizing this can help you shift your focus from self-doubt to exploring ways to improve connection and communication with your loved ones.

3. Improving Communication with Your Wife
A recurring theme in your situation is the challenge of communication with your wife. Here are a few strategies to address this:

Choose Neutral Moments: Initiate conversations at a time when both of you are calm and free from immediate stress. Avoid starting sensitive discussions during or right after a conflict.
Express Feelings, Not Faults: Frame your concerns using “I” statements to share your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, instead of saying, “You always get upset when I talk,” you could say, “I feel hesitant to share my thoughts because I worry about upsetting you.”
Listen Actively: Show her that her perspective matters by listening without interrupting. Reflect on what she says to ensure she feels heard.
Consider Structured Check-Ins: Set aside regular time (e.g., once a week) to discuss family matters or emotions. This can create a safe space for open dialogue without the pressure of immediate resolution.
4. Addressing Family Tensions
The tension between your wife and your family has likely added significant strain to your marriage. While this dynamic is challenging, there are steps you can take to navigate it:

Acknowledge Your Wife’s Experience: Validate her feelings about her struggles with your family. Let her know that you understand how difficult it’s been for her to feel isolated.
Set Boundaries with Your Family: It’s important to prioritize your marriage while still maintaining a respectful relationship with your family. This might involve gently but firmly communicating to your family that you expect them to treat your wife with respect, even if they don’t share a close bond.
Avoid Forcing Reconciliation: Instead of trying to make your wife and family “get along,” focus on small steps to reduce tension. Highlight shared interests or goals, but respect their individual boundaries.
5. Managing Expectations and Conflicts at Home
It’s clear that you feel under pressure to meet expectations and avoid conflict at home. To navigate this:

Clarify Expectations: Have an open conversation with your wife about her specific expectations and how you can meet them without compromising your own needs. Share your expectations as well, so you both have a clearer understanding of each other’s perspectives.
Practice Self-Care: Taking care of your mental and physical health is crucial. Whether through exercise, hobbies, or relaxation techniques, find activities that help you manage stress and maintain emotional balance.
Respond, Don’t React: When conflicts arise, take a moment to pause and reflect before responding. This can help you approach the situation with calmness and clarity.
6. Seeking Professional Help
Given the complexity of your situation, seeking professional guidance could be immensely beneficial. Options include:

Marriage Counseling: A therapist can provide a neutral space where both you and your wife can work through communication challenges and emotional disconnection. This can help you rebuild trust and strengthen your bond.
Individual Therapy: If you’re feeling isolated or questioning your self-worth, therapy can help you explore these feelings, gain clarity, and develop strategies for personal growth and resilience.
Family Counseling: If you want to address the broader family dynamics, family therapy can help facilitate understanding and harmony among all parties involved.
7. Reflecting on Your Needs
Finally, take time to reflect on your own emotional needs. What do you truly want from your relationships? What makes you feel valued and loved? Communicating these needs to your wife and family can help them understand how to support you better.

A Final Thought
You’ve taken a courageous first step by acknowledging your struggles and seeking advice. While the path ahead may feel uncertain, remember that meaningful change is possible with consistent effort, patience, and the right support. You don’t have to go through this alone, and seeking professional help can provide the tools you need to rebuild connection and find peace in your relationships.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |466 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 01, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Hello Mam Age 42. Double divorcee. Recently I have been meeting my old college friend & we sort of know each other for the last 2 decades. At college we were more of acquaintances & post that we were connected through social media. We would sometimes connect but not on regular basis. She is also a divorcee. However in 2024 we have been meeting quite regularly. When we meet she is very nice & has been warm with me; we go out have fun. But there are things like she keeps hiding from me. She goes on overnight tours with her 'friends' ; she never introduces me to her friends ( I mean friends with whom she goes out). I told her that I am ok with your 'friends' but she sorts of backs away. Also then there have been some unexplained gaps (she turns cold all of a sudden) & then comes out very warm. All these days & I have developed strong feelings for her. Just wanted to get your perspective on what you think is her stance towards me.
Ans: It’s possible that her past experiences have made her cautious. After going through a divorce, people often carry emotional baggage or fears about vulnerability and trust. These feelings can make someone hesitant to fully open up or commit, even if they’re genuinely interested in the connection. Her keeping parts of her life private, like her outings with friends, might be her way of maintaining control and independence as she navigates her own emotions and what she wants for her future.

Another perspective to consider is that she may be uncertain about the nature of your relationship or how she feels about moving forward. The warm and cold behavior could be a reflection of her trying to figure out her own emotions. She might enjoy spending time with you but feel hesitant about diving deeper due to unresolved feelings from her past or uncertainties about what a long-term commitment would look like.

This inconsistency might also stem from her valuing her independence and wanting to keep certain aspects of her life separate until she feels more certain about how to integrate you into those spaces. For some, introducing a new partner to close friends or family is a significant step that they might delay until they feel fully ready.

It’s important for you to approach this situation with patience and open communication. Rather than focusing on her actions as signs of rejection or disinterest, try to have a heartfelt conversation about how you feel and what you’ve observed. Share your feelings honestly and express your desire to understand her better. Ask her about her thoughts and boundaries in a way that shows you’re genuinely interested in her perspective, not just seeking answers for your own clarity.

At the same time, reflect on your own needs and expectations. Consider whether you’re comfortable with the pace and level of openness in this relationship. It’s essential to strike a balance where both of you feel valued and respected without feeling pressured or overwhelmed.

Remember that relationships, especially those formed later in life, often take time to develop deeper trust and understanding. Her actions don’t necessarily mean she’s not interested; they might just reflect her personal journey and the pace at which she’s comfortable moving. With time, communication, and mutual understanding, you can work together to determine whether your connection has the potential to grow into something more fulfilling and stable.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |466 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 04, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 03, 2025Hindi
Listen
Relationship
Meri wife ka past me 7 saal ka relationship tha lekin wo log apne ghar pe baat nahi kar paye . Wo bolti hai ki usko kb ka bhul gai hai aur mere saath pyaar karti hai kya aisa ho sakta hai, 7 saal bahut badi baat hoti hai
Ans: Jo cheez aapko ab karni chahiye, wo hai apni wife ke saath ek imaandaar aur khuli baat. Aap apne dil ki baat unse bina kisi ilzaam ke share karein, jaise ki, "Mujhe kabhi-kabhi lagta hai ki tumhare purane rishton ka asar hamare present par pad raha hoga. Main tumse is baare mein baat karna chahta hoon taaki mujhe clarity mile aur humare beech aur zyada trust ho."

Unka jawab sunte waqt unhe judge na karein. Shayad unka past ek important hissa tha, lekin iska matlab yeh nahi ki wo apne present mein apko kam mahatvapurn samajhti hain. Kai baar log apne purane jazbat ko samay ke saath puri tarah process karke unhe peeche chhod dete hain, aur yeh natural hai.

Saath hi, khud par bhi dhyan deejiyega. Apne jazbat aur insecurities ko samajhne ki koshish karein. Kai baar humein jo chinta hoti hai wo doosre ke actions ke wajah se nahi, balki humare apne assumptions ke kaaran hoti hai. Aap apne mann ko itna shant rakhne ki koshish karein ki aap apne rishte ko vishwas aur pyar ke saath aage le jaa sakein.

Agar aapko lagta hai ki aap dono ke beech in baaton ko lekar clarity aur emotional connection ki zarurat hai, to ek counselor ya therapist ki madad lena ek accha option ho sakta hai. Yeh aap dono ke rishte ko aur mazboot karne mein madad karega aur past ke koi bhi unresolved jazbat ko resolve karne ka mauka dega.

Yaad rakhiye, ek strong relationship trust, communication aur shared commitment ke bina nahi banta. Agar aap dono sach mein ek-dusre se pyaar karte hain aur ek dusre ka respect karte hain, to har muskil ka hal mil jayega.

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