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Should I Increase My SIP Amount to Achieve an 8 Crore Portfolio in 13 Years?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7136 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Pratik Question by Pratik on Nov 22, 2024Hindi
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Hello sir I have started my SIP with 20k before 9 year and right now it’s 40k per month. Right now my portfolio is around 60L. My goal is to built 8cr in anther 13 year. How can it be achieved please guide me ..?

Ans: Your consistent SIP growth is impressive. Reaching Rs 8 crore in 13 years is achievable with structured planning and disciplined investing. Let’s analyse your situation and guide you.

Assessing Your Current Portfolio
Your portfolio has grown to Rs 60 lakh, which reflects strong commitment.

SIPs of Rs 40,000 per month is commendable.

With the right asset allocation, you can potentially meet your goals.

Steps to Achieve Rs 8 Crore in 13 Years
1. Review Existing Investments
Check your portfolio's annualised returns over the past nine years.
Assess if your funds are performing consistently above their benchmarks.
Avoid index funds; consider actively managed funds for better returns.
2. Increase SIP Investments Periodically
Incremental SIPs are necessary to reach Rs 8 crore in 13 years.
Increase SIPs annually by 10%-15%, aligned with your income growth.
Regular increments ensure compounding works effectively over time.
3. Asset Allocation Strategy
Equity exposure should remain significant for wealth creation.
Allocate 70%-80% to equity-oriented mutual funds.
Keep 20%-30% in debt funds for stability and liquidity.
Disadvantages of Index Funds and Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Index funds replicate market indices but lack flexibility in market fluctuations.
Actively managed funds adapt to changing market conditions.
Skilled fund managers in active funds aim to generate higher returns.
Index funds miss opportunities to outperform during volatile phases.
Role of Diversification
Spread investments across different fund categories like large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap.
Include sectoral or thematic funds cautiously, if required, for added growth potential.
Tax-Efficient Investments
Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs 1.25 lakh attract 12.5% tax.
Opt for strategies that minimise tax liabilities.
Use systematic withdrawal plans (SWPs) for income generation in retirement.
Emergency Fund and Risk Management
Ensure an emergency fund equal to 12 months of expenses remains intact.
Review your life and health insurance coverage regularly.
Monitoring and Regular Review
Review your portfolio every six months or annually.

Exit funds that consistently underperform or deviate from your goals.

Engage a Certified Financial Planner to guide fund selection and periodic reviews.

Stay Disciplined and Patient
Avoid unnecessary redemptions to let compounding work over time.
Market fluctuations are natural; focus on long-term goals, not short-term noise.
Final Insights

Your disciplined approach and consistent SIPs provide a strong foundation for reaching Rs 8 crore. Enhancing SIP amounts, maintaining proper diversification, and regularly reviewing your investments will ensure success. Start making incremental adjustments and stay focused on your long-term goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7136 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 01, 2024

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Hi Sir Sangayya hear from Karnataka my age is 43 from last 3 years I started my SIP details r as below 1 ELSS - 5 sips each 1k 2. Large & mid cap fund - 3 sips 1k each 3. Thematic fund - Franklin India opp - 5k 4. Multi asset allocator - Tata 5k 5.Flexi cap fund - 2 Sips 1k each 6. Dynamic Asset - Edelweiss balanced Adv fund 1k 7. Small cap - Nippon India 1k Total monthly 22k is my investment kindly suggest I want to build my corpus 1cr in another 10 year & how much I have to invest more to achieve Target
Ans: Hello Sangayya, it's great to see your commitment to building your financial future through SIP investments. Let's break down your goal of reaching a corpus of 1 crore in 10 years and assess your current investment approach:

Review Current Investments: Evaluate the performance of your existing SIPs relative to their benchmarks and peers. This will help you understand if adjustments are needed to optimize your portfolio for growth.
Assess Required Monthly Investment: To reach a corpus of 1 crore in 10 years, you'll need to calculate the required monthly investment based on your expected rate of return. This depends on factors like the type of funds you're investing in and prevailing market conditions.
Consider Increasing SIP Amount: If your current monthly investment of 22k isn't sufficient to reach your goal, you may need to increase your SIP amounts or explore additional investment avenues. A Certified Financial Planner can help you determine the optimal investment strategy based on your risk tolerance and financial goals.
Stay Consistent and Patient: Building a substantial corpus takes time and discipline. Stay committed to your investment plan, continue SIPs regularly, and avoid making emotional decisions based on short-term market fluctuations.
Regular Portfolio Review: Periodically review your portfolio's performance and make adjustments as needed. Rebalancing your investments and exploring new opportunities can help you stay on track towards achieving your financial goals.
Remember, while setting ambitious targets is commendable, it's essential to ensure that your investment strategy is realistic and aligned with your risk tolerance and financial capacity. With careful planning and perseverance, you can work towards building a significant corpus over the next decade.

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7136 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 21, 2024

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I hv started sip in 2008 and still continued , now the monthly sip is 55k and total value is 1.85cr. Need to accumulate 7cr with in next 4 yrs pls guide how can i achieve. - Deepak J. Hajari
Ans: Deepak, your long-term SIP discipline is impressive. Accumulating Rs. 7 crore in 4 years is ambitious. Achieving this goal requires a strategic approach, as time is limited. Let's create an actionable plan for your success.

Current Financial Snapshot
Ongoing SIPs: Rs. 55,000 monthly.
Current Portfolio Value: Rs. 1.85 crore.
Target Corpus: Rs. 7 crore within 4 years.
Your consistent investing habits have built a solid foundation. However, to achieve your target, adjustments are needed.

Key Challenges
Short Time Frame: Four years is a limited period for aggressive wealth accumulation.
Significant Gap: A gap of Rs. 5.15 crore remains to meet the Rs. 7 crore goal.
Market Volatility: Equity investments might face short-term volatility.
Recommendations to Bridge the Gap
1. Increase Your SIP Contributions
Raise your SIP amount to Rs. 1.25 lakh per month.
This increase ensures faster wealth creation through compounding.
Prioritise high-growth funds in equity-oriented categories.
2. Invest Lump Sum Amounts
Consider deploying a lump sum if you have idle savings or low-yield investments.
Invest in aggressive equity mutual funds for higher potential returns.
Break down the lump sum into tranches for better market timing.
3. Diversify into High-Growth Mutual Funds
Focus on small-cap and mid-cap mutual funds for higher growth potential.
Maintain a balance with some large-cap exposure for stability.
Ensure the portfolio aligns with your high-return requirements.
4. Avoid Overexposure to Debt or Low-Yield Instruments
Limit debt investments during this aggressive growth phase.
Avoid instruments like FDs or debt mutual funds with lower returns.
Rely on equity for the next four years to maximise growth.
5. Rebalance Your Portfolio Regularly
Conduct a portfolio review every 6 months.
Reallocate funds based on underperforming or outperforming sectors.
Keep your portfolio aligned with market trends and your goals.
6. Capitalize on Bonus or Windfall Gains
Direct any bonuses, salary hikes, or windfall gains towards your target.
Avoid unnecessary expenses during this focused phase.
Tax Efficiency Matters
Equity Mutual Funds Taxation: Gains above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.
Debt Mutual Funds Taxation: Taxed as per your income slab.
Plan redemptions strategically to minimise tax liabilities.
Leverage Market Opportunities
Benefit from Market Corrections: Use corrections as opportunities to invest lump sums.
Stay Invested for Compounding: Avoid early redemptions to let compounding work fully.
Role of Regular Monitoring
Track Performance: Ensure funds are performing as per expectations.
Switch Funds if Needed: Shift from underperforming funds to high-growth options.
Final Insights
Deepak, achieving Rs. 7 crore in 4 years requires aggressive yet calculated strategies. Increase your SIPs, deploy lump sums, and focus on high-growth funds. Regular monitoring and disciplined investing are key to your success. Stay patient and consistent.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7136 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Money
My salary is 29500 in hand, I have a OD Loan of Rs 9.4 lacs at 10% rate of interest. Want to close it with in next 5 years tell me how to plan for sip?
Ans: Your monthly salary of Rs. 29,500 in hand is a good starting point. However, having an outstanding Overdraft (OD) loan of Rs. 9.4 lakhs at 10% interest is a significant financial responsibility. It's important to manage this debt effectively while planning for future investments.

Prioritising Loan Repayment
Repaying your OD loan within the next five years is a reasonable goal. Given the 10% interest rate, prioritising this loan is crucial. The interest burden on an OD loan is often higher than potential returns from investments in mutual funds, so clearing this loan should be a top priority.

Establishing a Repayment Plan
1. Monthly Loan Repayment
Set aside a portion of your salary to pay off the loan each month.
Since the loan has an interest rate of 10%, it’s important to make regular payments to reduce both the principal and the interest.
Make a budget to allocate at least Rs. 18,000-20,000 per month to clear the loan faster. This will allow you to reduce your interest burden.
2. Additional Lump Sum Payments
If possible, try to make any lump-sum payments from savings or other sources of funds.
This can significantly reduce the principal, which in turn will lower the interest you pay over time.
Managing SIPs While Repaying the Loan
1. Initial Focus on Loan Repayment
In the first year, your primary focus should be on repaying the loan.
Avoid committing a large portion of your salary to SIPs in this initial period.
You can still start with a smaller SIP, say Rs. 5,000-7,000 per month, to gradually build your investment portfolio.
2. Gradual Increase in SIP Contributions
Once you pay off Rs. 3-4 lakhs of the loan (within 1-1.5 years), you can increase your SIP contributions.
You can scale up your SIP to Rs. 10,000-12,000, based on the reduction in your monthly loan repayment.
3. Balanced SIP Strategy
Diversify your SIP into actively managed equity funds.
Equity funds offer the potential for long-term capital appreciation, which will help you achieve financial goals after clearing the loan.
Keep your SIP in a mix of large-cap and mid-cap funds for growth and stability.
Structuring Your SIP Portfolio
1. Large-Cap Funds
Allocate a significant portion of your SIP to large-cap funds.
Large-cap funds are less volatile and offer stable returns over the long term.
Even though returns may be moderate compared to mid-cap or small-cap funds, they are ideal for investors with moderate risk tolerance.
2. Mid-Cap Funds
Mid-cap funds have higher growth potential.
Allocate a smaller portion to mid-cap funds, say 30%-40% of your SIP.
This will give you access to high growth opportunities while balancing risk.
3. Balanced Advantage Funds
Consider investing in balanced advantage funds.
These funds offer both equity and debt exposure, which helps manage market volatility.
They can provide an optimal mix of growth and risk mitigation.
4. Debt Funds
If you are risk-averse, you can also consider allocating a portion to debt funds.
Debt funds will provide stability in your portfolio.
However, avoid too much allocation to debt funds, as they have lower growth potential compared to equity funds.
Managing Expenses and Cash Flow
1. Budgeting Effectively
Stick to a strict monthly budget to manage both your loan repayments and SIPs.
Cut unnecessary expenses to ensure you have enough for both debt repayment and investments.
2. Emergency Fund
Set aside an emergency fund of at least 3-6 months of living expenses.
This ensures that you do not dip into your loan repayment or SIP amounts in case of an unexpected financial situation.
3. Avoid Accumulating More Debt
Avoid taking on additional debt while repaying the current loan.
This will help you stay focused on clearing the OD loan and building your wealth through SIPs.
Tax Considerations for SIP Investments
Equity Mutual Funds Taxation:
Long-term capital gains (LTCG) above Rs. 1.25 lakh will be taxed at 12.5%.
Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.
Debt Mutual Funds Taxation:
Both LTCG and STCG are taxed based on your income tax slab.
These funds offer steady returns but are subject to higher taxation compared to equity funds.
Since you are planning to invest in equity funds, it’s important to factor in these taxes when making withdrawals. You can manage your withdrawals to stay below the Rs. 1.25 lakh threshold to minimise tax impact.

Final Insights
It’s great to see your commitment towards closing the OD loan and starting SIPs. The key to success is balancing both goals without compromising on your financial health.

Repay the loan first: Focus on reducing the loan principal by paying it off faster.
Start small SIPs: Begin with Rs. 5,000-7,000 SIPs and increase them as the loan decreases.
Diversify: Invest in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and balanced advantage funds.
Maintain a budget: Stick to a budget to balance loan repayment and SIP investments.
By staying consistent with both debt repayment and systematic investing, you will be on track to achieve financial security.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7136 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 25, 2024Hindi
Money
Hello Sir, I am 38 yrs old and I'm investing around 70K/month in the below funds. Kindly review my portfolio. Im planning to invest around 42L for 5yrs and stop Kindly review and advise. If my fund investment is correct Nippon multicap 16K JM flexi cap 16K Nippon small cap 6K Motilal Midcap 14K SBI Contra 10K HDFC balanced advantage 4K Nippon Large cap 4K
Ans: Your decision to invest Rs. 70,000 per month shows financial discipline and a clear focus on wealth creation. With a diversified portfolio spread across multicap, small-cap, midcap, contra, balanced advantage, and large-cap funds, your approach balances growth and stability. Let’s review the details:

Strengths in Your Portfolio
Multicap and Flexicap Funds: These funds provide flexibility to invest across all market capitalisations. They help capture growth opportunities while minimising risk.

Small-Cap and Midcap Exposure: Investing Rs. 20,000 (28.5%) in these categories offers high-growth potential. It is suitable for long-term wealth creation.

Balanced Advantage Fund: This allocation adds stability to your portfolio by balancing equity and debt exposure.

Contra Fund: Contrarian strategies can deliver good returns during market turnarounds.

Large-Cap Fund: Though Rs. 4,000 (5.7%) in large-cap may seem low, it provides a stable base for your portfolio.

Areas of Improvement
1. Overlapping Funds
Having multiple funds in similar categories (e.g., multicap and flexicap) may cause portfolio overlap.
This can reduce diversification and increase redundancy.
2. Underweight in Large-Cap
Large-cap funds offer stability during market corrections.
Your allocation of 5.7% is low for a balanced portfolio.
3. Balanced Advantage Fund Contribution
Rs. 4,000 (5.7%) in a balanced advantage fund is not substantial enough to impact portfolio stability.
4. Sectoral or Thematic Gaps
The portfolio lacks exposure to sectoral or thematic funds, which can enhance returns during specific market phases.
Recommendations for Optimising Your Portfolio
1. Increase Large-Cap Allocation
Allocate at least 10-15% of your monthly SIPs to large-cap funds.
This provides a strong foundation and reduces portfolio volatility.
2. Rationalise Fund Categories
Retain either the multicap or flexicap fund, as both serve similar purposes.
Consolidation can improve portfolio efficiency and reduce redundancy.
3. Optimise Small-Cap and Midcap Allocation
Limit small-cap and midcap exposure to 20-25% of your portfolio.
This balances growth potential with risk mitigation.
4. Increase Contribution to Balanced Advantage Fund
Increase the SIP in this fund to 10-15% of your portfolio.
This ensures better risk-adjusted returns during volatile markets.
5. Avoid Contra Overdependence
Keep the contra fund allocation to a maximum of 8-10%.
Monitor its performance regularly, as contrarian strategies may underperform in certain phases.
6. Consider International Funds
Include 5-10% exposure to international equity funds for geographical diversification.
This reduces dependence on the Indian market and provides global growth opportunities.
Tax Considerations for Your Plan
1. During the Investment Phase
Equity mutual funds are taxed at 12.5% LTCG for gains above Rs. 1.25 lakh annually.
Short-term capital gains (STCG) are taxed at 20%.
2. Post-Investment Phase
If you plan to withdraw systematically (SWP mode) after five years:
Withdrawals will attract LTCG or STCG based on the holding period of redeemed units.
Plan withdrawals strategically to minimise tax outflows.
Strategies for Your Rs. 42 Lakh Investment Over Five Years
Stick to SIPs: Continue with systematic investments to benefit from rupee cost averaging.
Rebalance Periodically: Review and rebalance your portfolio every 6-12 months.
Align with Goals: Ensure your investments match your risk tolerance and financial objectives.
Alternative Suggestions
1. Hybrid Funds
Consider hybrid funds that blend equity and debt for balanced growth and stability.
They are suitable if you seek moderate returns with reduced risk.
2. Systematic Transfer Plans (STPs)
Invest lump sums in liquid funds and transfer them systematically to equity funds.
This strategy reduces market timing risks.
3. Diversify Beyond Mutual Funds
Include options like gold ETFs, sovereign gold bonds, or government-backed schemes for better diversification.
Finally
Your portfolio is well-structured and shows a clear focus on long-term wealth creation.

Consolidate overlapping funds to improve efficiency.
Increase allocations to large-cap and balanced advantage funds for better stability.
Include geographical diversification through international funds.
Review your portfolio periodically and align it with your financial goals.
Work with a Certified Financial Planner to optimise fund selection and tailor a withdrawal strategy after five years.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7136 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

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I have invested lupmsum 25L in motilal oswal defence index fund at 9.5 Rs. I am looking at long term 4-5 years..will it give good returns..right now it is down to 7.79 Rs.please.advice
Ans: Your lump sum investment of Rs 25 lakh shows financial commitment.

Index funds can be predictable but have limitations.

Current Situation
Your investment is now at Rs 7.79 per unit, below the Rs 9.5 purchase price.

The defence sector can be cyclical, influenced by government policies and global events.

Disadvantages of Index Funds
Limited Customisation
Index funds replicate the index. They cannot adapt to market changes actively.

A defence index fund may lack diversification as it focuses on one sector.

Missed Opportunities
Actively managed funds can seize growth in other sectors during market shifts.

Index funds may underperform during sector-specific downturns.

No Expert Intervention
Fund managers in actively managed funds rebalance portfolios.

This flexibility is absent in index funds, leading to potential stagnation.

Why Actively Managed Funds Are Better
Research-Driven Investments
Professional managers monitor economic, sectoral, and market trends.

They optimise portfolios for risk-adjusted returns.

Diversified Portfolios
Actively managed funds spread investments across sectors.

This reduces risks and captures growth in multiple industries.

Tax-Effective Withdrawals
With active funds, strategic withdrawals can help reduce tax liabilities.
Recommendations for Your Investment
Hold with Caution
Defence is a niche sector and can be volatile.

Keep a close eye on geopolitical trends and government spending.

Diversify Your Portfolio
Avoid over-reliance on one sector or investment type.

Add diversified equity and debt funds to balance risks and returns.

Consider Partial Reallocation
Shift part of your investment into actively managed funds.

This provides flexibility and reduces sector-specific risks.

Consult a Certified Financial Planner
Get a customised investment strategy based on your goals and risk appetite.

A certified planner can recommend better-performing funds.

Final Insights
Your long-term outlook is commendable but requires diversification.

Defence index funds can deliver, but only if market conditions favour the sector.

Actively managed funds could enhance your returns over time.

Build a balanced portfolio to achieve consistent growth.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |437 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 21, 2024Hindi
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Dear Expert, I am in a committed relationship with a divorced woman who has a 6-year-old daughter. We have known each other for six years and became deeply involved in relationship after her divorce, which was finalized a year ago. She is currently 23 years old and was married at the age of 14. She endured domestic harassment during her marriage, leading to a separation, and has been living apart from her ex-husband for the past four years before their legal divorce. Presently, she has no source of income and relies on her parents, who themselves face financial difficulties. Despite these challenges, we both wish to marry and build a life together. However, I am facing some concerns that I hope you can help me address: I am uncertain about how to approach my parents regarding our relationship, given her previous marriage, her young child, and her challenging circumstances. Her ex-husband is my colleague and is currently unaware of our relationship. I fear that he will react negatively, potentially tarnishing my and my family’s reputation among friends and relatives or even attempting to harass us in the future. I'm seeking your guidance on the following: 1. Is marrying her and embracing this responsibility a prudent decision, considering her past and the challenges we may face? 2. How can I effectively address her ex-husband's behavior and protect our relationship and my and family's reputation? 3. What strategies can I use to gain my parents' understanding, acceptance, and support? 4. How can we ensure a strong and healthy future together, considering the complexities of our situation?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

Let me address your issues one by one
1. Is marrying her and embracing this responsibility a prudent decision, considering her past and the challenges we may face?
I can't tell if it is prudent but I don't see it to be a dangerous decision as well. Yes, I understand your concerns, but you have been with her for a long time now. You must have considered all of these concerns beforehand. But if you think you are not sure, I would suggest you don't keep her hanging with hope. Discuss the doubts and concerns directly with her.

2. How can I effectively address her ex-husband's behavior and protect our relationship and my and family's reputation?
Her previous marriage involved domestic harassment and that's how the relationship ended. You had no part in it. You came into the picture after their separation. Why should her husband have any say in her life after divorce? Be strict with him from the very beginning. As a part of courtesy, you can let him know that you are considering marrying his ex, but besides that, you owe him no explanation.

3. What strategies can I use to gain my parents' understanding, acceptance, and support?
Highlight the positives in your partner; let them know how happy she makes you and how much she means to you. Parents being unsupportive in such cases are very common, but with some persistent counseling from your end can make things work out in your favor.

4. How can we ensure a strong and healthy future together, considering the complexities of our situation?
The complexities of the situation don't necessarily have to play part in your future together. Let her move on from this past and if anything, you should help her move past this divorce and harassment instead of bringing that into the future. Yes, it is a part of who she is, but is so much more than just a divorcee and a very young mother; she is the person you fell for- there must be some solid reason for that. After all, you fell knowing all the complexities. That makes her even more special. All you have to do is remember those.

Hope this helps.

...Read more

Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |437 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I (29M) have connected with a Prospective match (26F) through an Arranged Marriage Platform & we both seem to be getting along quite well, interacting regularly via WhatsApp, Phone Calls & even met personally, Twice in the span of a Month. She had been in a Long Term Relationship with her Boyfriend since College, for almost 7 years. They had to Break-up an Year ago as their Parents had not approved of their Marriage (due to Caste Factor). But they both are still in touch as "Just Friends". This is what makes me uncertain about whether I'd be able to Trust her or not. We both get along quite well with each other on almost all other aspects. She regularly interacts with her Ex Boyfriend & whenever I try to ask her anything about it, she shuts me down, calling me 'Insecure' & says that her Past Relationship & Present 'Friendship' with her Ex Boyfriend are solely her Personal Matter & she doesn't owe me any explanation about it, not even after we get Married (assuming that we did). But she also tries to reassure me saying that she has moved on from the Relationship & now their Friendship is just 'Platonic' not 'Romantic'. But I am not able to Trust her completely. Will it be a Reasonable demand, from my side, if I ask her to cut off all contacts with her Ex? Or shall I secretly approach her Ex, without her knowledge & strictly warn him to stay off his Ex Girlfriend as she's soon going to be another Man's Wife? Or else, how should I build Trust with her, in spite of her 'Friendship' with her Boyfriend? Is it even worth trying or shall I move on to find another Woman who is Virgin like myself?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
I understand your concerns. But, trust is important in a relationship. If she says they are just friends, if your relationship is healthy, you should be able to trust her.

Having said that, I would suggest you take some time to think if you can get to the point where you can actually trust her without being bothered about this friendship, and not forcefully trust her. Demanding to end the friendship or approaching her ex is not the right way to deal with this situation. You two are not married yet; you still have the time to rethink.

I don't know whether you should move on to someone else, but I believe that you should take some time to rethink. You two are still matches and these problems are trivial now, but once you get married, things will get even more complicated. You can either sort the matter by having an open conversation where you explain how her relationship with her ex bothers you, or you can both consider parting ways. But please do not commit just yet, especially since there is an existing issue.

Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |437 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Nov 26, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Nov 23, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I (30M) am a I am Virgin & never had any Relationship. I have been meeting & interacting with several ladies through Arranged Marriage Platforms, since the last 3 years. As per my Observation, almost all the Women have had Relationship(s) in the Past & most of them are not Virgin. Whenever I tried to ask them (Respectfully) about their Past Relationship(s), some of them refuse to talk about their Past & most others try to shift the Blame onto someone else, usually, it's either the Ex Boyfriend who'd been Unfaithful/Abusive or either Party's Parents who hadn't approved of their Marriage due to various Reasons. In the last 3 years, not even single Woman I'd met, had owned up & taken Responsibility for her Choices/Actions/Mistakes & the consequences arising out of it. This made it very difficult for me to trust most of them. Since I have no first-hand experience in Relationship dynamics, I am unable to understand, whether Girls/Women can NEVER be the one at Fault, in a Relationship? Is it always the Fault of the Male Counterpart, Parents or the Patriarchal Society? My biggest fear is, if I Marry such a Woman, will she ever take any Accountability for her Actions/Mistakes, which may cause Conflicts in our Future Married Life? Or will she conveniently shift the entire Blame onto me & project me as a Bad Husband? I may seem to be overthinking, but my Fears are not unfounded as Divorce cases accompanied by False Accusations from Wives have been increasing at an Alarming Rate. Preferably, I'd want to Marry a Virgin Woman, who hadn't been in Relationship like myself or atleast a Woman can be Honest & Transparent about her Past, taking Responsibility for her Actions/Choices/Mistakes. How do I find a Woman like this? Please guide me on how to Question a prospective match, to Judge her Character, realistically?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Your concerns make sense, but if you think about it, the majority of people do not know how to take accountability- it has nothing to do with gender. For instance, some men say they are acting like casanovas because of some girl they had a crush on, who rejected their proposal, and some say they have commitment issues because an ex-girlfriend had broken their trust. So, my point is, it's a people problem, not a woman problem.
Having said that, a good way to judge someone is to open up about yourself first. Next time you meet someone, instead of asking about her past, try talking about yours. Mention that you did not have a relationship, or you like people who can own up to their mistakes, etc. This way, you will make her feel comfortable enough to open up to you. It's not easy for women to disclose sensitive details, especially to men. And, ideally, their past should not play a part in their present, but since it is so important to you, try this technique.

Best Wishes.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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