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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 08, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Suresh Question by Suresh on Jul 08, 2024Hindi
Money

Hello sir, I am 57 years old and working as a marketing consultant for some foreign companies. I have a child who is just 13 years old. I am planning to work for another 10 years since this is an independent assignment and I get paid for my consultancy work in India. I earn almost 30 lakh per annum. I have a corpus of about 1.55 cr in Mutual funds, PPF of 4 Lakhs, and insurance of 10 lakh which has grown into 15 lakh in 3 years, investments in stocks worth 30 lakhs but now valued at 45 lakhs, one flat given on rent which fetches 7500 per month and another flat in my own name. Term insurance worth 1.6Cr, Heatlth insurance worth 22 Lakhs. No liabilities whatsoever. I need to get a monthly retirement amount of 3 Lakhs per month from 67 years onwards. I have an SIP of about 80,000 per month. Can you pl advice whether these investments is sufficient enough to generate an income of a min 3 lakhs per month after retirement? Thank you so much.

Ans: You’ve done a commendable job managing your finances. Let’s break down your current financial situation and assess if it aligns with your retirement goal of Rs. 3 lakh per month.

Current Financial Position
Income and Investments:

Annual Income: Rs. 30 lakh
Mutual Funds: Rs. 1.55 crore
PPF: Rs. 4 lakh
Insurance (grown to): Rs. 15 lakh
Stocks: Rs. 45 lakh
Rental Income: Rs. 7,500 per month
Term Insurance: Rs. 1.6 crore
Health Insurance: Rs. 22 lakh
SIP: Rs. 80,000 per month
You have substantial investments and a solid income stream. Let's evaluate if this will be sufficient for your retirement needs.

Assessing Your Retirement Needs
You plan to retire at 67 and need Rs. 3 lakh per month. Let’s look at some key aspects:

Corpus Requirement:

To generate Rs. 3 lakh monthly, you need a substantial corpus. Assuming a safe withdrawal rate of 4%, you'll need around Rs. 9 crore. This estimate ensures you don’t outlive your savings.

Current Investments:

Mutual Funds (Rs. 1.55 crore): These are growth-oriented. Over 10 years, they can grow significantly with compounding.

Stocks (Rs. 45 lakh): Equities can provide high returns but come with risk. Over time, these can grow well.

PPF (Rs. 4 lakh): This is safe and gives steady returns but isn't enough alone.

Insurance (Rs. 15 lakh): This is a backup but not an investment vehicle.

Monthly SIPs:

Rs. 80,000 per month is great. Over 10 years, this can accumulate to a significant amount.

Rental Income:

Rs. 7,500 per month is a steady but small addition. Real estate generally appreciates, adding to your asset base.

Mutual Funds: The Power of Compounding
Mutual funds are your best bet for long-term growth. Here's why:

Diversification: Mutual funds spread your investment across different assets, reducing risk.

Professional Management: Managed by experts, they can adjust to market conditions.

Compounding: The longer you stay invested, the more your money grows exponentially.

Liquidity: You can redeem funds easily, unlike some other investments.

Tax Efficiency: Equity mutual funds held for over a year attract lower capital gains tax.

Types of Mutual Funds
Equity Funds: Invest in stocks, high returns, high risk. Suitable for long-term.

Debt Funds: Invest in bonds, stable returns, lower risk. Good for short to medium-term.

Balanced Funds: Mix of equity and debt, moderate risk. Ideal for balanced growth.

ELSS: Tax-saving funds with a 3-year lock-in. Benefit from tax deductions.

Planning Your Retirement Corpus
Projected Growth
Your current mutual funds (Rs. 1.55 crore) and SIPs (Rs. 80,000 monthly) can grow significantly. Assuming a conservative 10% annual return:

Current Corpus:

Rs. 1.55 crore growing at 10% per year for 10 years can become approximately Rs. 4 crore.
SIP Growth:

Rs. 80,000 monthly over 10 years at 10% can accumulate around Rs. 1.5 crore.
Combined, your mutual fund investments alone could reach around Rs. 5.5 crore.

Stocks and PPF
Stocks (Rs. 45 lakh):

If they grow at 10%, they could reach around Rs. 1.2 crore in 10 years.
PPF (Rs. 4 lakh):

Assuming 7% annual return, it can grow to around Rs. 8 lakh in 10 years.
Rental Income
Your rental property can provide steady income. Assuming rents increase, it can contribute more over time. If reinvested wisely, it adds to your corpus.

Insurance and Health Coverage
Term Insurance: Rs. 1.6 crore ensures your family’s financial security.

Health Insurance: Rs. 22 lakh covers medical emergencies, preventing depletion of your savings.

Strategies to Ensure a Comfortable Retirement
Increase SIPs: If possible, increase your SIP amount annually. This accelerates corpus growth.

Diversify: Maintain a balanced portfolio with a mix of equity, debt, and hybrid funds.

Monitor and Rebalance: Regularly review your portfolio. Rebalance to maintain desired asset allocation.

Stay Invested: Avoid withdrawing investments unless necessary. Let compounding work.

Tax Planning: Utilize tax-efficient investment options like ELSS.

Final Insights
Given your current investments and income, you're on a good path. However, aiming for Rs. 3 lakh per month requires diligent planning. Increasing SIPs and ensuring a balanced portfolio will help achieve your goal.

Keep track of your investments and adjust as needed. Consulting a Certified Financial Planner can provide tailored advice to maximize your returns and ensure financial security.


You’ve done a great job so far. With continued careful planning and investment, you’re well on your way to achieving your retirement goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
Asked on - Jul 08, 2024 | Answered on Jul 08, 2024
Listen
Thank you so much. yes I increase my SIP's annually by 10% and also in stocks which I have chosen to give me good returns in the coming 10 years. So far the stocks have given me a return of 50% returns while my MF has given me an XIRR of 19% till date. thank you so much for your advise.
Ans: You're welcome! If you have any more questions or need further assistance, feel free to ask. Best wishes on your financial journey!

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 13, 2024

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Hello Sir, My age is 43, married and having two daughters (age 14 & 6) and have monthly net salary of Rs. 55k and I am saving around 20k per month (various SIPs-10K, NPS 5K & Stocks-5K) My other investments are as follows; • EPF – as of now 4 Lakhs • Post office MIS – 9 Lakhs • Post office NSC – 15 Lakhs • Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana – 1 Lakh • Fixed Deposits – 6 Lakhs • PPF – 10 Lakhs • Gold Bond – 3.5 Lakhs • Existing Stock + Mutual fund portfolio – 12 Lakhs • Home Loan outstanding – 7.6 Lakhs (Owned apartment current value is 50 Lakhs) Please let me know whether my current investment is enough for peaceful retirement of do I need to invest more.
Ans: You've made commendable strides in securing your financial future, but let's delve deeper to ensure a comfortable retirement awaits you:

Your current savings strategy, including SIPs, NPS contributions, and investments in various instruments, demonstrates a proactive approach towards wealth accumulation. However, to ascertain whether your current investments suffice for a peaceful retirement, let's analyze your financial position comprehensively.

Your existing investments across EPF, post office schemes, PPF, and other instruments provide a diversified portfolio catering to both short-term liquidity needs and long-term wealth accumulation. Additionally, your allocation towards Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana reflects a thoughtful consideration for your daughters' future financial needs.

Considering your age and retirement horizon, it's crucial to assess the adequacy of your retirement corpus. While your current savings rate is commendable, projecting your future expenses, inflation, and lifestyle expectations is imperative to determine the gap between your current savings and retirement goals.

Factors such as your daughters' education expenses, healthcare needs, inflationary pressures, and desired retirement lifestyle warrant careful consideration. Additionally, factoring in unforeseen circumstances and emergencies is vital to ensure financial resilience during retirement.

Your outstanding home loan adds a liability to your financial equation, albeit a manageable one. It's advisable to assess the impact of loan repayment on your cash flow and retirement savings trajectory. A structured approach to debt repayment, balancing between accelerating loan clearance and boosting retirement savings, can optimize your financial position.

To bridge any potential shortfall in your retirement corpus, consider augmenting your savings rate and exploring investment avenues offering higher returns. Reviewing your asset allocation, optimizing tax-saving strategies, and seeking professional guidance from a Certified Financial Planner can provide invaluable insights tailored to your specific circumstances.

In conclusion, while your current investments lay a solid foundation, a comprehensive review considering your financial goals, obligations, and aspirations is essential to ensure a peaceful retirement. By proactively addressing potential gaps and optimizing your savings and investment strategy, you can embark on a journey towards financial security and tranquility in your golden years.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 16, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 09, 2024Hindi
Money
Dear Sir, My age is 42, my current savings are 1) FD: 70 lakhs 2) MF: 5 lakhs 3) Equity: 10 lakhs 4) EPF: 80 lakhs 5) PPF: 20 lakhs(another 5 years to mature . 1.5 lacs per year is investment amount) I am planning to retire by 58. I need a monthly retirement amount of 2 lakhs per month. I don't have any loans at the moment. I have two kids studying in 8th and 4th. Please let me know if the current investment is sufficient enough to generate this income. Thank you sir.
Ans: Firstly, I must commend you for your diligent saving and planning. You have built a solid financial foundation with significant investments in Fixed Deposits (FD), Mutual Funds (MF), Equity, Employee Provident Fund (EPF), and Public Provident Fund (PPF). Your financial discipline is truly admirable.

Evaluating Your Current Investments
Let's evaluate your current investments:

FD: Rs 70 lakhs
MF: Rs 5 lakhs
Equity: Rs 10 lakhs
EPF: Rs 80 lakhs
PPF: Rs 20 lakhs, with Rs 1.5 lakhs per year investment for the next five years
You have a total of Rs 185 lakhs (Rs 1.85 crores) in savings and investments.

Retirement Goals and Planning
You aim to retire by 58, which gives you 16 more years to save and invest. Your goal is to have a monthly retirement income of Rs 2 lakhs. To achieve this, a well-planned investment strategy is crucial.

Assessing the Required Retirement Corpus
Given your goal of Rs 2 lakhs per month, your annual requirement will be Rs 24 lakhs. Considering a retirement period of 25-30 years, you need a substantial retirement corpus to ensure a comfortable life.

Investment Strategies to Achieve Your Retirement Goals
Diversification and Asset Allocation
Equity Investments:

Equities offer high returns over the long term, essential for building a large corpus. Consider increasing your equity exposure. Actively managed funds with a track record of strong performance can be a good choice. Avoid index funds due to their average performance in fluctuating markets.

Mutual Funds:

Increase your investments in mutual funds. Choose diversified mutual funds with a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and small-cap funds. Actively managed funds can outperform the market, offering higher returns than passive index funds.

Debt Investments:

Maintain a balance with debt investments for stability and regular income. Your FDs and PPF fall into this category. Consider debt mutual funds for potentially higher returns than traditional FDs.

EPF and PPF:

Continue your contributions to EPF and PPF. These provide a stable and tax-efficient return. The EPF offers a good interest rate and tax benefits, making it a valuable part of your retirement planning.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP)
Regular Investments:

Start a SIP in mutual funds to benefit from rupee cost averaging and the power of compounding. Regular investments, even in small amounts, can grow significantly over time.

Review and Adjust:

Regularly review your SIP portfolio and adjust based on performance and changing financial goals. Working with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can help optimize your SIP strategy.

Risk Management and Insurance
Health Insurance:

Ensure you have adequate health insurance coverage for your family. Medical emergencies can deplete your savings if not adequately insured.

Life Insurance:

Consider term life insurance to cover financial risks. It provides a high coverage amount at a lower premium, ensuring your family's financial security in case of unforeseen events.

Children's Education Planning
Education Fund:

Start an education fund for your children. Invest in child-specific mutual funds or a mix of equity and debt funds. This ensures you have sufficient funds when they pursue higher education.

Systematic Withdrawals:

Plan for systematic withdrawals from your education fund as required. This avoids sudden large expenses disrupting your financial plans.

Maximizing Tax Efficiency
Tax-efficient Investments:

Utilize tax-efficient investments like PPF, EPF, and ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme) mutual funds. These offer tax benefits under Section 80C of the Income Tax Act.

Tax Planning:

Regularly review and adjust your investments to maximize tax efficiency. Consult a CFP for personalized tax planning strategies.

Regular Financial Review
Annual Review:

Conduct an annual review of your financial plan. Assess the performance of your investments, adjust for market changes, and ensure alignment with your goals.

Professional Guidance:

Work with a CFP for regular financial reviews and adjustments. Their expertise can help navigate market complexities and optimize your financial strategy.

Saving and Investing for Retirement
Building a Retirement Corpus
Target Corpus:

Based on your goal of Rs 2 lakhs per month, calculate the target retirement corpus. Considering inflation and a retirement period of 25-30 years, a substantial corpus is needed.

Investment Growth:

Invest in a mix of equity, debt, and mutual funds to grow your corpus. Equities offer high returns, while debt investments provide stability.

Withdrawal Strategy
Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP):

Use an SWP in mutual funds to generate regular income during retirement. This allows for periodic withdrawals while keeping the principal invested.

Bucket Strategy:

Divide your retirement corpus into different buckets based on time horizons. Short-term needs are met with liquid funds, while long-term needs are invested in equities and debt.

Future-Proofing Your Finances
Emergency Fund:

Maintain an emergency fund covering at least six months of expenses. This provides a safety net for unexpected financial challenges.

Inflation Protection:

Invest in assets that protect against inflation. Equities and inflation-indexed bonds can help maintain purchasing power over time.

Health and Longevity:

Plan for healthcare costs and longer life expectancy. Adequate health insurance and a well-funded retirement plan are crucial.


You have done an excellent job of saving and planning for your future. Your disciplined approach to managing finances is commendable. With a few adjustments and a well-planned investment strategy, you can achieve your retirement goals and secure a comfortable future for your family.

Final Insights
Financial planning for retirement requires a comprehensive approach. By diversifying investments, increasing equity exposure, and optimizing tax efficiency, you can build a substantial retirement corpus. Regular reviews and professional guidance from a Certified Financial Planner will ensure you stay on track. Your commitment to saving and investing will pay off, providing financial security and peace of mind.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 27, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 11, 2024
Money
51 years old , I am started 25000 rs investment in mutual fund from last year , presently two houses one loan of rs 40 lakhs and 1/2 kg gold and 35lakhs fd, and 1 open plot of worth 65Lakhs my daughter is studying B.E and son 9th is it effoungh for my retirement.Lic of rs 5000.rs.per month.
Ans: At 51, you are building a good foundation for retirement. Let us evaluate your current situation and provide actionable insights to strengthen your plan.

Current Financial Assets
Mutual Funds: A monthly SIP of Rs. 25,000 started last year is a strong beginning.

Real Estate: You own two houses and an open plot worth Rs. 65 lakhs.

Fixed Deposits (FDs): You have Rs. 35 lakhs in FDs for stability.

Gold: Possession of 1/2 kg of gold adds diversification to your portfolio.

Insurance: A LIC premium of Rs. 5,000 monthly ensures some financial protection.

Loan: You have a Rs. 40 lakh home loan that requires regular servicing.

Strengths in Your Portfolio
Asset Diversification: Your portfolio includes real estate, mutual funds, gold, and fixed deposits.

Children’s Education: You are well-placed to support their higher education expenses.

Steady Investments: The SIP ensures consistent contributions towards wealth creation.

Areas for Improvement
Mutual Fund Investments
Expand Your SIP Contributions: Rs. 25,000 monthly may need an increase to meet retirement goals.

Focus on Active Funds: Actively managed funds can deliver higher returns than index funds over time.

Disadvantages of Index Funds: Index funds lack adaptability during market fluctuations, limiting growth potential.

Use Regular Plans Through CFP: Regular funds ensure expert guidance, tax efficiency, and consistent monitoring.

Real Estate
Low Liquidity: Real estate may not offer quick access to cash during emergencies.

Maintenance Costs: Real estate requires ongoing expenses, reducing its overall profitability.

Fixed Deposits
Inflation Risk: FD returns are lower and may not match inflation rates.

Better Alternatives: Consider debt funds for higher post-tax returns.

LIC Premiums
Low Returns: Traditional insurance policies like LIC provide limited returns compared to mutual funds.

Recommendation: Surrender and reinvest the proceeds into mutual funds for better growth.

Children’s Education Planning
Daughter’s Higher Education: Prioritise building a specific education fund for her postgraduate expenses.

Son’s Future Needs: Start early to save for his higher education.

Balanced Allocation: Use equity for growth and debt for stability in these funds.

Loan Management
Accelerate Loan Repayment: Clear your Rs. 40 lakh home loan faster to reduce interest costs.

Avoid New Debt: Focus on reducing liabilities to achieve financial independence sooner.

Emergency Fund
Liquidity is Key: Ensure at least 6–12 months of expenses in a liquid emergency corpus.

Fund Sources: Your FDs or a portion of your SIP can be redirected for this.

Retirement Planning
Corpus Estimation
Inflation Adjustment: Factor in inflation to calculate the required retirement corpus.

Living Expenses: Estimate your monthly needs post-retirement, including healthcare and leisure.

Asset Rebalancing
Gradual Shift to Debt Funds: From 55 onwards, reduce equity exposure for stability.

Balanced Allocation: Aim for a 60% debt and 40% equity ratio by retirement.

Tax Efficiency
New MF Tax Rules: Plan redemptions considering the 12.5% LTCG tax above Rs. 1.25 lakh.

Debt Funds Taxation: Gains are taxed as per your income slab; plan accordingly.

Final Insights
Your current financial status is strong, but enhancements are necessary. Increase SIP contributions, diversify into actively managed funds, and focus on reducing liabilities. Revisit your LIC policy and redirect funds for higher returns. Secure your children's education and your retirement with a clear and balanced strategy.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
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Money
I am 66 years old and retired and have one daughter married and well settled and has 2 children aged 5 years son and 3 years daughter. I have no liabilities and have a family income of Rs.3 lakhs per month thru rental. My monthly expenses is Rs 50 K per month and annual payments of medical, vehicle and property tax is Rs.3.25 Lakhs. I have direct equity invested around 1.2 CR and Invested in PMS now valued at Rs.85 Lakhs. I have plot valued at 1.6 CR and 2 independent house valued at 3cr. I have a commercial property which gives me above rental is valued at Rs.5 CR. Now kindly advise me how i should investment my earnings which will help my daughter and 2 grand children for for their future education. My above income is after paying the taxes to the government. I lead a simple life and travel every year 2 times.
Ans: Your financial position is strong with no liabilities.

Monthly rental income of Rs. 3 lakhs covers your expenses and lifestyle.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 and annual expenses of Rs. 3.25 lakhs leave ample surplus.

You have diversified assets, including equity (Rs. 1.2 crore), PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs), real estate (Rs. 9.6 crore), and regular rental income.

You lead a simple life, which allows significant potential for wealth accumulation and legacy planning.

Investment Goals
Your primary focus is to:

Ensure financial security for your family.

Support your daughter and grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Maintain sufficient liquidity for personal travel and unexpected medical costs.

Recommendations for Asset Allocation
1. Equity Investments
Your current direct equity portfolio (Rs. 1.2 crore) and PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs) are commendable.

Direct equity requires active tracking and expertise.

Shift part of your direct equity to regular mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular funds offer professional management and long-term growth.

Retain PMS if it meets your return expectations and aligns with your risk appetite.

2. Emergency Fund
Allocate 6–12 months of expenses to liquid funds.

This ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses or emergencies.

Investments for Daughter and Grandchildren
1. Education Fund for Grandchildren
Start investing in child-focused mutual funds for their education.

Choose regular funds through an experienced Certified Financial Planner.

These funds offer professional management and goal-based growth.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity funds can help accumulate the required corpus.

2. Legacy Fund
Invest in diversified mutual funds for wealth creation.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.

This portfolio can grow steadily while preserving wealth.

Real Estate Diversification
Avoid further investments in real estate.

Real estate is illiquid and challenging to manage during retirement.

Liquidate one property if diversification is needed.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds or bonds.

Fixed Income Options
Consider investing in corporate bonds or debentures for steady income.

Choose bonds rated “AAA” for safety.

Avoid annuities as they provide low returns and limited flexibility.

Tax-Efficient Planning
Review tax-saving strategies with a Certified Financial Planner.

Equity investments (LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%) are tax-efficient.

Ensure proper tax documentation for real estate and rental income.

Track PMS returns and tax implications yearly.

Liquidity and Annual Expenses
Set aside Rs. 25–30 lakhs in a liquid fund.

This covers your annual travel, property taxes, and medical expenses.

Keep medical insurance for yourself and your family updated.

Succession and Estate Planning
Create a will to ensure smooth asset transfer.

Include clear instructions for property distribution.

Discuss creating a trust for your grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Travel and Lifestyle Funding
Use rental income surplus to fund annual travel.

Avoid withdrawing from long-term investments for discretionary expenses.

Final Insights
You have built a strong financial foundation.

Focus on simplifying investments for better management.

Diversify and invest in professionally managed mutual funds.

Plan for family needs with a balanced approach to risk and growth.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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