Home > Money > Question
Need Expert Advice?Our Gurus Can Help
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 20, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Jun 20, 2024Hindi
Money

Hello Sir, I am 49 and my Wife is 48. We have a total Net take home of Rs. Rs 2 Lakh/Month. We have combined corpus of around 1 Cr invested in MF, 5 lakh in Stocks, 55 lakh in PF, 20 lakh in NPS, 28 lakh in PPF/SSA. SIP of 39K per Month (mainly in direct equity Funds) with separate VPF Contribution of 17K (my Wife) apart from Yearly contribution in NPS/PPF. Our Annual Expenses are around 7-8 Lakh with around 9 lakh in Bank Accounts. I have a term insurance of 1.5 Cr currently with No loan. We need money for my daughter’s PG studies in 3 years (50 Lakh) and marriage in 10 years (50-70 lakh) , and my Son’s UG Education in 7 Years (30-50 Lakh). We hope to save 3 Cr for our retirement. Please suggest if we need to invest more or carry on with the current investment (with some changes).Thanks.

Ans: First, thank you for sharing your financial details. It’s great to see your commitment to securing your family’s future. Here’s a detailed analysis of your financial situation and investment strategy.

Current Financial Situation
Your monthly net take-home income is Rs 2 lakh. You and your wife have diligently saved and invested in various instruments, which is commendable.

Mutual Funds: Rs 1 crore
Stocks: Rs 5 lakh
Provident Fund (PF): Rs 55 lakh
National Pension System (NPS): Rs 20 lakh
Public Provident Fund (PPF)/ Sukanya Samriddhi Account (SSA): Rs 28 lakh
SIP: Rs 39,000 per month
Voluntary Provident Fund (VPF): Rs 17,000 per month
Bank Accounts: Rs 9 lakh
Annual Expenses: Rs 7-8 lakh
Term Insurance: Rs 1.5 crore
Future Financial Goals
Daughter’s Postgraduate Studies: Rs 50 lakh in 3 years
Daughter’s Marriage: Rs 50-70 lakh in 10 years
Son’s Undergraduate Education: Rs 30-50 lakh in 7 years
Retirement Corpus: Rs 3 crore
Savings and Investment Assessment
Mutual Funds
You have Rs 1 crore invested in mutual funds, with SIPs of Rs 39,000 per month. While investing in direct funds can save on commissions, regular funds through a certified financial planner (CFP) can offer better guidance and performance.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds:

Lack of professional guidance
Higher risk due to lack of diversified advice
Time-consuming to manage and monitor
Advantages of Regular Funds:

Expert management
Better diversification
Regular review and rebalancing by professionals
Stocks
Your investment in stocks stands at Rs 5 lakh. Direct equity can be volatile and requires constant monitoring. Given your financial goals, focusing more on mutual funds with a proven track record might be more beneficial.

Provident Fund and Voluntary Provident Fund
You have a significant amount in PF (Rs 55 lakh) and contribute Rs 17,000 monthly in VPF. PF offers a safe and steady return, suitable for long-term security.

National Pension System (NPS)
NPS is a good retirement savings option with tax benefits. However, you may need to review the asset allocation to ensure it aligns with your risk tolerance and retirement goals.

Public Provident Fund / Sukanya Samriddhi Account
Your investments in PPF/SSA (Rs 28 lakh) are excellent for long-term goals due to their tax benefits and steady returns.

Bank Accounts
You have Rs 9 lakh in bank accounts, which is good for liquidity and emergency funds.

Term Insurance
Your term insurance of Rs 1.5 crore is crucial for protecting your family’s future. Ensure the coverage is adequate considering inflation and your family’s lifestyle needs.

Financial Goals Strategy
Daughter’s Postgraduate Studies (3 years)
You need Rs 50 lakh in 3 years. Short-term goals should focus on low-risk investments.

Recommendation: Invest in short-term debt funds or fixed deposits. This ensures capital protection with moderate returns.
Son’s Undergraduate Education (7 years)
You need Rs 30-50 lakh in 7 years. Medium-term goals can tolerate moderate risk.

Recommendation: Invest in a balanced mix of equity and debt mutual funds. This offers growth potential with some stability.
Daughter’s Marriage (10 years)
You need Rs 50-70 lakh in 10 years. Long-term goals can afford higher risk for better returns.

Recommendation: Invest in equity mutual funds and consider systematic withdrawal plans (SWPs) closer to the goal. This strategy balances growth and risk.
Retirement Corpus (Rs 3 crore)
You aim for Rs 3 crore for retirement. You already have substantial investments towards this goal.

Recommendation: Continue with your current SIPs, VPF, and NPS contributions. Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio with a CFP’s guidance.
Optimizing Current Investments
Increase SIP Contributions
Consider increasing your SIPs as your income grows. This harnesses the power of compounding.

Review and Rebalance Portfolio
Regularly review your investments with a CFP to ensure they align with your goals and risk tolerance. Rebalancing helps maintain the desired asset allocation.

Diversify Investments
Diversify across various asset classes and sectors to mitigate risk. Avoid concentrating too much in one area.

Avoid Unnecessary Risks
Stay away from speculative investments. Focus on long-term, stable growth.

Emergency Fund
You have Rs 9 lakh in your bank accounts. Ensure this is enough to cover at least 6 months of expenses. You might want to keep part of this in a liquid fund for slightly better returns.

Insurance Coverage
Review your insurance coverage periodically. Ensure it covers all your family’s needs adequately.

Tax Planning
Leverage tax-saving instruments like ELSS funds, PPF, and NPS to maximize tax benefits while achieving your financial goals.

Final Insights
Your financial planning shows strong discipline and foresight. You’re on the right track but need minor adjustments.

Regularly consult a CFP for portfolio reviews.
Focus on balanced growth with risk management.
Keep updating your goals and strategies as needed.
Your dedication to securing your family’s future is commendable. Stay focused and keep planning proactively.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
Money

You may like to see similar questions and answers below

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 26, 2024

Listen
Money
Hi I am 38 years old Central banker and my wife is 35 years old financial professional with combined salary of Rs 2.80 lakhs per month ( post deducting all monthly EMI’s).Our combined Investment per month is as under- -Mutual fund SIP- 1.75 lakhs ( includes retirement planning and educational planning for both the kids) -PPF 10k each for both of us -Sukanya Samruddhi Yojana -10k per month for girl child -VPF from wife’s ac- 12k -NPS from my salary 35k -Further, Life insurance Term plan of Rs 1.5 cr and 2.25 cr taken for me and my wife respectively. -1 lakh per year goes towards HDFC Samchay plan for period of 12 years and expected 2lakh per year for 14 th year to 26 years. $as on date portfolio of ours is as under:- -direct equity- around Rs. 57lakhs -Gold max 10lakh -Mutual fund corpus- 52 lakhs -2 residential flats and investment in 3 residential open plots. - 40 lakh corpus available for investing lumps in mutual fund for additional retirement planning. Funds made available by selling a Bunglow property. -monthly rental income is around 29 k. Kids aged 6 and 2 years old. Desire to retire at the age of 55 years and wife would like to retire at the age of 45 years. -Current monthly expenses is around 1 lakh per month and considering inflation 7%, post retirement per month requirement would be 4 lakhs. Please review and suggest improvement in investment strategy. Thank you very much
Ans: Current Financial Snapshot
Combined Salary: Rs. 2.80 lakhs per month (post deducting EMIs)
Mutual Fund SIPs: Rs. 1.75 lakhs per month
PPF Contributions: Rs. 10k each per month
Sukanya Samruddhi Yojana: Rs. 10k per month
VPF from Wife's Account: Rs. 12k per month
NPS Contribution: Rs. 35k per month
Life Insurance Term Plans: Rs. 1.5 cr for you and Rs. 2.25 cr for your wife
HDFC Samchay Plan: Rs. 1 lakh per year for 12 years, expected Rs. 2 lakhs per year from 14th to 26th year
Portfolio Overview
Direct Equity: Rs. 57 lakhs
Gold: Rs. 10 lakhs
Mutual Fund Corpus: Rs. 52 lakhs
Real Estate: 2 residential flats and investment in 3 residential open plots
Lump Sum for Retirement Planning: Rs. 40 lakhs
Monthly Rental Income: Rs. 29k
Financial Goals
Retirement: You at 55 years, wife at 45 years
Current Monthly Expenses: Rs. 1 lakh
Post-Retirement Monthly Requirement: Rs. 4 lakhs (considering 7% inflation)
Children's Education and Future Planning: Ongoing investments in PPF and Sukanya Samruddhi Yojana
Analysis and Recommendations
Investment Strategy Review
Diversification: Your portfolio is well-diversified with investments in equities, mutual funds, gold, and real estate. This diversification helps in risk management.

Mutual Fund Investments: Continue with SIPs for long-term growth. Focus on actively managed funds rather than index funds for better potential returns.

Direct Equity: Rs. 57 lakhs in direct equity is significant. Ensure it's diversified across sectors to minimize risk.

Gold: Rs. 10 lakhs in gold adds stability to your portfolio. Consider holding it as a long-term investment.

Lump Sum Investment
Additional Retirement Planning: Invest the Rs. 40 lakhs lump sum in a mix of debt and equity mutual funds. This helps in balancing risk and ensuring steady growth.
Debt Management
Home and Car Loans: Ensure EMIs are manageable within your current income. Focus on pre-paying high-interest loans if possible.
Children's Future Planning
Education Planning: Continue investments in Sukanya Samruddhi Yojana and PPF. These provide stable returns and tax benefits.
Retirement Planning
NPS and VPF: Your contributions to NPS and VPF are excellent for retirement planning. They offer tax benefits and steady returns.

Projected Expenses: With a post-retirement monthly requirement of Rs. 4 lakhs, ensure your corpus is sufficient to generate this income.

Life Insurance
Term Plans: Your term plans are adequate. Ensure they are reviewed periodically to match your needs.
Emergency Fund
Liquidity: Maintain an emergency fund of at least 6-12 months of expenses in liquid assets like savings accounts or liquid mutual funds.
Review and Rebalance
Periodic Review: Review your portfolio every 6-12 months. Rebalance if needed to align with your financial goals and risk tolerance.
Final Insights
Your current investment strategy is robust and well-diversified. By continuing your disciplined approach and making periodic adjustments, you can achieve your financial goals, including early retirement and securing your children's future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Moneywize

Moneywize   | Answer  |Ask -

Financial Planner - Answered on Aug 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 08, 2024Hindi
Listen
Money
My wife and I earn Rs 2.9 lakh per month. We have two daughters: 8 and 5. Our monthly expenses are around 120K. We have home loan of 50 lakh with 50k EMI for 10 years. We will need Rs 40 lakh for our new property in one year period. We have Rs 80 lakh worth apartment, Rs 20 lakh in PPF, Rs 35 lakh in PF, Rs 10 lakh in NPS, Rs 20 lakh in MFs, Rs 20 lakh in stocks and Rs 20 lakh in ULIPs. We have monthly MF SIPs of 80K and 40K pm and also have our individual as well as family floater health insurances and term insurance. We are expecting around Rs 2 cr expenses for children education till their graduation. We want to retire in next 15 years with Rs 3 lakh monthly income. How should we invest and plan for our future?
Ans: To plan for your future and ensure you’re on track to meet your goals, here’s a strategy that might work well for you:

1. Emergency Fund

First, it’s a good idea to set aside 6-12 months of your expenses (around Rs 7.2 lakh to Rs 14.4 lakh) in something easily accessible, like a savings account or a liquid mutual fund. This way, you’ll have a safety net in case anything unexpected comes up, and you won’t have to dip into your other investments.

2. Debt Management

Home Loan: Keep up with your current EMI of Rs 50,000. Since it’s spread over 10 years, it’s manageable given your income. If you find yourself with some extra cash, consider making lump sum prepayments to shorten the loan period and reduce the interest you’ll pay in the long run.

3. Funding the New Property

You’ll need Rs 40 lakh in a year for your new property. It might be wise to start planning how to use your liquid investments, like mutual funds and stocks, for this purpose. If the market conditions are favourable, you can gradually redeem the required amount to avoid the risks associated with market timing. It’s best to avoid taking on new debt if possible, to keep your finances balanced.

4. Children's Education

You’re looking at about Rs 2 crore for your daughters’ education, and you’ve got a 10-12 year window to prepare.
Dedicated Education Fund: It’s worth starting a specific SIP in equity mutual funds with a long-term horizon. With the power of compounding on your side, you can either reallocate some of your existing SIPs or start new ones to build up this fund steadily. Also, consider Sukanya Samriddhi Yojana (SSY) for each daughter -- it offers a good interest rate and comes with tax benefits.

5. Retirement Planning

You’d like to retire in 15 years with Rs 3 lakh coming in every month. Accounting for inflation, you’re looking at needing a corpus of around Rs 7-8 crore.

• Current Retirement Savings: You already have Rs 85 lakh (from your PPF, PF, and NPS), which will grow over time, but you’ll need to invest more to hit your target.
• Invest Aggressively: Continue with your existing SIPs and think about increasing them each year as your income grows. Ideally, try to invest 30-40 per cent of your monthly income towards retirement.
• Equity Exposure: With your long-term horizon, keeping a high equity exposure (around 70-80 per cent) in your retirement portfolio could help maximise growth.
• NPS Contributions: You might also want to increase your contributions to the NPS for an additional tax-efficient retirement nest egg.

6. Insurance

Make sure your term insurance is enough to cover at least 10-15 times your annual income, which will help secure your family’s future in case anything happens to you. You’ve already got health insurance, which is great -- just review it to ensure it’ll be enough to cover rising medical costs in the future.

7. Tax Efficiency

Use all the tax-saving instruments available to you, like Section 80C, 80D, and 80CCD(1B), to minimise your tax liabilities. Also, consider diversifying your investments into tax-efficient options like ELSS, PPF, and NPS.

8. Review and Adjust

Finally, it’s important to regularly check in on your financial plan, at least once a year, to make sure you’re still on track. If your income, expenses, or goals change, you’ll need to adjust your investments accordingly.

By following this plan, you should be well on your way to achieving your financial goals, securing your children’s education, and retiring comfortably with the income you desire.

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Listen
Money
I am 66 years old and retired and have one daughter married and well settled and has 2 children aged 5 years son and 3 years daughter. I have no liabilities and have a family income of Rs.3 lakhs per month thru rental. My monthly expenses is Rs 50 K per month and annual payments of medical, vehicle and property tax is Rs.3.25 Lakhs. I have direct equity invested around 1.2 CR and Invested in PMS now valued at Rs.85 Lakhs. I have plot valued at 1.6 CR and 2 independent house valued at 3cr. I have a commercial property which gives me above rental is valued at Rs.5 CR. Now kindly advise me how i should investment my earnings which will help my daughter and 2 grand children for for their future education. My above income is after paying the taxes to the government. I lead a simple life and travel every year 2 times.
Ans: Your financial position is strong with no liabilities.

Monthly rental income of Rs. 3 lakhs covers your expenses and lifestyle.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 and annual expenses of Rs. 3.25 lakhs leave ample surplus.

You have diversified assets, including equity (Rs. 1.2 crore), PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs), real estate (Rs. 9.6 crore), and regular rental income.

You lead a simple life, which allows significant potential for wealth accumulation and legacy planning.

Investment Goals
Your primary focus is to:

Ensure financial security for your family.

Support your daughter and grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Maintain sufficient liquidity for personal travel and unexpected medical costs.

Recommendations for Asset Allocation
1. Equity Investments
Your current direct equity portfolio (Rs. 1.2 crore) and PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs) are commendable.

Direct equity requires active tracking and expertise.

Shift part of your direct equity to regular mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular funds offer professional management and long-term growth.

Retain PMS if it meets your return expectations and aligns with your risk appetite.

2. Emergency Fund
Allocate 6–12 months of expenses to liquid funds.

This ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses or emergencies.

Investments for Daughter and Grandchildren
1. Education Fund for Grandchildren
Start investing in child-focused mutual funds for their education.

Choose regular funds through an experienced Certified Financial Planner.

These funds offer professional management and goal-based growth.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity funds can help accumulate the required corpus.

2. Legacy Fund
Invest in diversified mutual funds for wealth creation.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.

This portfolio can grow steadily while preserving wealth.

Real Estate Diversification
Avoid further investments in real estate.

Real estate is illiquid and challenging to manage during retirement.

Liquidate one property if diversification is needed.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds or bonds.

Fixed Income Options
Consider investing in corporate bonds or debentures for steady income.

Choose bonds rated “AAA” for safety.

Avoid annuities as they provide low returns and limited flexibility.

Tax-Efficient Planning
Review tax-saving strategies with a Certified Financial Planner.

Equity investments (LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%) are tax-efficient.

Ensure proper tax documentation for real estate and rental income.

Track PMS returns and tax implications yearly.

Liquidity and Annual Expenses
Set aside Rs. 25–30 lakhs in a liquid fund.

This covers your annual travel, property taxes, and medical expenses.

Keep medical insurance for yourself and your family updated.

Succession and Estate Planning
Create a will to ensure smooth asset transfer.

Include clear instructions for property distribution.

Discuss creating a trust for your grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Travel and Lifestyle Funding
Use rental income surplus to fund annual travel.

Avoid withdrawing from long-term investments for discretionary expenses.

Final Insights
You have built a strong financial foundation.

Focus on simplifying investments for better management.

Diversify and invest in professionally managed mutual funds.

Plan for family needs with a balanced approach to risk and growth.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

Close  

You haven't logged in yet. To ask a question, Please Log in below
Login

A verification OTP will be sent to this
Mobile Number / Email

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to

Resend OTP in120seconds

Dear User, You have not registered yet. Please register by filling the fields below to get expert answers from our Gurus
Sign up

By signing up, you agree to our
Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

Already have an account?

Enter OTP
A 6 digit code has been sent to Mobile

Resend OTP in120seconds

x