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Can a government school teacher with a 74,700 monthly salary manage these financial commitments?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6347 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 08, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Aug 01, 2024Hindi
Money

Dear Sir, As a government secondary school teacher since 2016, my in-hand salary is ?74,700 after deductions for NPS (?8,500) . Here are the details of my annual and monthly financial commitments: Annual Expenses: - Health insurance: ?14,900 (for myself, my wife, and our 2-year-old daughter) - Term plan: ?22,000 (sum assured ?50,00,000) - SBI life insurance ?4,890 (sum assured ?28,00,000) - LIC: ?12,000 (sum assured ?2,50,000) Investments: - Mutual funds: ?1,76,000 till now - FD: ?50,000 Monthly Expenses: - Personal loan EMI: ?29,500 (32 installments remaining) - Rent and electricity: ?5,500 - Grocery and vegetables: ?5,000 - Baby expenses: ?4,500 - Petrol expenses: ?2,500 - Study expenses for my sister: ?6,000 - Study expenses for my brother: ?3,000 - Pocket money for my mother: ?2,500 Given these details, I am concerned about my ability to manage my finances effectively and meet all my commitments. I would greatly appreciate your advice.

Ans: Financial Assessment and Recommendations

Your current financial situation as a government secondary school teacher with a monthly in-hand salary of Rs 74,700 after NPS deductions requires careful planning. Let’s analyze your expenses, investments, and provide some recommendations for better financial management.

Annual Expenses

Health Insurance: Rs 14,900 for you, your wife, and your daughter.

Term Plan: Rs 22,000 with a sum assured of Rs 50,00,000.

SBI Life Insurance: Rs 4,890 with a sum assured of Rs 28,00,000.

LIC: Rs 12,000 with a sum assured of Rs 2,50,000.

Investments

Mutual Funds: Rs 1,76,000 invested till now.

Fixed Deposit: Rs 50,000.

Monthly Expenses

Personal Loan EMI: Rs 29,500 (32 installments remaining).

Rent and Electricity: Rs 5,500.

Grocery and Vegetables: Rs 5,000.

Baby Expenses: Rs 4,500.

Petrol Expenses: Rs 2,500.

Study Expenses for Sister: Rs 6,000.

Study Expenses for Brother: Rs 3,000.

Pocket Money for Mother: Rs 2,500.

Analysis

You have a high EMI which consumes a significant portion of your salary. Managing the remaining expenses with the leftover amount can be challenging. Your investments are diversified but could be optimized for better returns.

Recommendations

1. Prioritize Loan Repayment

Focus on Reducing EMI: Your highest expense is the personal loan EMI of Rs 29,500. Consider repaying this loan early to free up cash flow.

Evaluate Loan Refinancing: Check if you can refinance the loan for a lower interest rate or longer tenure to reduce monthly EMI.

Debt Management Plan: Create a debt management plan. Allocate any surplus income or bonuses towards loan repayment. This will help you reduce your debt burden faster and save on interest costs.

2. Optimize Insurance Plans

Health Insurance: Ensure that the current health insurance coverage is adequate. If not, consider enhancing the cover instead of buying a new policy.

Term Plan: Continue with the term plan as it provides substantial coverage for a low premium.

Review Life Insurance: Evaluate if the SBI Life Insurance and LIC policies are necessary. If they are endowment plans, consider surrendering and redirecting the funds to more efficient investment avenues like mutual funds.

3. Improve Investment Strategy

Increase Mutual Fund Investments: Given your long-term goals, increasing your SIP in mutual funds can be beneficial. Choose actively managed funds for higher returns over time.

Avoid Direct Funds: Direct funds require self-management and may lack the expert guidance you get from investing through an MFD with CFP credentials. Stick to regular funds for professional advice.

Focus on Diversification: Continue diversifying your investments. Consider equity, debt, and hybrid funds based on your risk profile.

Emergency Fund: Maintain an emergency fund equivalent to 6-12 months of your expenses in a liquid fund or savings account.

4. Budget and Expense Management

Create a Detailed Budget: Track your monthly expenses meticulously. Identify areas where you can cut costs, such as discretionary spending on groceries, petrol, or other non-essential items.

Monthly Review: Conduct a monthly review of your budget to ensure you are on track. Adjust your spending and saving patterns based on your financial goals.

Automate Savings: Set up automatic transfers to your savings and investment accounts to ensure consistent contributions.

5. Plan for Future Goals

Children’s Education: Start an education fund for your daughter. SIP in equity mutual funds is a good option for long-term goals.

Retirement Planning: Consider increasing your NPS contributions for additional tax benefits and a secure retirement corpus.

Short-Term Goals: For short-term goals like family vacations or home improvements, consider recurring deposits or short-term debt funds.

6. Consult a Certified Financial Planner

Professional Guidance: Regularly consult with a Certified Financial Planner to review and adjust your financial plan. They can provide personalized advice and help optimize your investment portfolio.

Regular Updates: Schedule regular updates and reviews with your financial planner to stay informed about market changes and new investment opportunities.

Impact of SEBI’s New Asset Class

Lower Entry Barrier: SEBI’s new asset class requires a minimum investment of Rs 10 lakhs, compared to Rs 50 lakhs for PMS, making it more accessible.

Broad Investment Mandate: This new class offers a wide range of investment strategies, similar to PMS, but at a lower cost.

Professional Management: Like PMS, the new asset class will be managed by experienced professionals, ensuring your investments are in good hands.

Flexibility and Diversification: Offers the flexibility and diversification of mutual funds, combined with the personalized approach of PMS.

Disadvantages of Index Funds

Passive Management: Index funds aim to replicate an index, limiting growth potential.

Market Performance: Index funds perform as well as the market. During downturns, they suffer losses.

Lack of Personalization: Index funds lack the personalized management found in actively managed funds and the new asset class.

Advantages of Actively Managed Funds

Professional Management: Actively managed funds have fund managers who make strategic decisions to outperform the market.

Flexibility: Fund managers can adjust the portfolio based on market conditions, aiming for better returns.

Potential for Higher Returns: Active management can potentially offer higher returns than index funds.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds

Self-Management: Direct funds require investors to manage their investments, which can be challenging without financial expertise.

No Advisory Support: Investors don’t get the support of a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with CFP credentials, missing out on expert advice.

Advantages of Regular Funds

Expert Guidance: Regular funds offer the support of an MFD with CFP credentials, ensuring informed investment decisions.

Ease of Management: Investors benefit from professional management and regular updates, reducing the burden of self-management.

Final Insights

Balancing your financial commitments with your income requires careful planning. Prioritize paying off high-interest debt, optimize your insurance and investment strategies, and maintain a detailed budget. Regularly consulting with a Certified Financial Planner will ensure you stay on track to achieve your financial goals. By considering SEBI's new asset class, actively managed funds, and regular funds, you can enhance your investment strategy and secure your financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 18, 2024

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Hello i am a homeopathic doctor aged 27 still doing my MD( final year) I have a evening clinic started newly i earn about 45-50k per month and as get stipend i nearly get 40k per month i have a 6 months old daughter and i have 14 lakhs savings of own 10 lakhs in equity 60k gold bonds ,1.2lakhs in US equity and 50k in corporate bonds and 2.5lakhs in savings account apart from this i have 24 lakhs in hybrid mutual fund ( this i got after my fathers death)may be in couple of months i will be getting another 90 lakhs by selling a property my future biggest expense will be my daughters education as i have a desire to send her to abroad for her UG itself my biggest question how to manage 90 lakhs for my secured future
Ans: Strategic Financial Planning for a Secure Future
Congratulations on your career progress and the new addition to your family! At 27, with a good income and a mix of investments, you're in a strong position to plan for a secure financial future and your daughter's education. Let’s delve into how to manage the upcoming Rs. 90 lakhs from the property sale effectively.

Assessing Your Current Financial Position
Existing Investments and Savings
Equity Investments: Rs. 10 lakhs
Gold Bonds: Rs. 60,000
US Equity: Rs. 1.2 lakhs
Corporate Bonds: Rs. 50,000
Savings Account: Rs. 2.5 lakhs
Hybrid Mutual Fund: Rs. 24 lakhs
Monthly Income
Evening Clinic: Rs. 45-50k
Stipend: Rs. 40k
You have a diversified portfolio, which is a good start. Your biggest future expense is your daughter’s education, especially if she studies abroad.

Managing the Rs. 90 Lakhs Property Sale
Prioritizing Financial Goals
Daughter’s Education Fund
Emergency Fund
Retirement Planning
Wealth Growth and Diversification
Detailed Financial Strategy
1. Establish an Emergency Fund
An emergency fund is crucial for unforeseen circumstances. Aim to save 6-12 months of your living expenses in a liquid and safe account.

2. Education Fund for Your Daughter
Given your desire to send your daughter abroad for her UG, start a dedicated investment plan.

Child Education Mutual Funds: These funds are tailored for long-term educational goals. They offer potential for significant growth over time.
SIPs (Systematic Investment Plans): Invest monthly in mutual funds. This will average out market volatility and provide disciplined savings.
Debt Funds: For the portion of funds needed in the short term (next 5-8 years), consider debt funds for lower risk and stable returns.
3. Retirement Planning
It’s never too early to plan for retirement. Diversify your investments to ensure a comfortable retirement.

Equity Mutual Funds: Continue investing in equity mutual funds for long-term growth. Choose funds that suit your risk profile.
PPF (Public Provident Fund): PPF is a safe, tax-saving investment option with a decent interest rate.
NPS (National Pension System): Consider NPS for additional retirement savings with tax benefits.
4. Wealth Growth and Diversification
Diversified Portfolio: Maintain a diversified portfolio across different asset classes – equity, debt, gold, and international funds.
Avoid Over-reliance on One Asset: Avoid putting all your money into one type of investment. Diversification reduces risk.
Monitoring and Adjusting Your Investments
Regular Reviews
Annual Reviews: Review your portfolio annually to ensure it aligns with your goals.
Adjust Allocations: Rebalance your portfolio based on performance and changing goals.
Professional Guidance
Certified Financial Planner (CFP): A CFP can provide personalized advice and help you stay on track with your financial goals.
Regular Consultations: Meet with your CFP regularly to adjust your strategy as needed.
Avoid Common Pitfalls
Over-Reliance on High-Risk Investments
Avoid putting too much money into high-risk investments like stocks or volatile mutual funds. Balance risk with stable options.

Ignoring Inflation
Ensure your investments outpace inflation, especially for long-term goals like education and retirement.

Not Having a Clear Plan
Having a clear, well-structured financial plan is crucial. Stick to your plan and make adjustments as needed.

Conclusion
With a clear financial strategy and disciplined approach, you can secure a prosperous future for yourself and your daughter. Start by setting up an emergency fund, then focus on dedicated investments for education and retirement. Regularly review and adjust your portfolio with the help of a Certified Financial Planner to stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6347 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 19, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 19, 2024Hindi
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Hi sir, i work in a bank my monthly net take home after deductions of house loan n car loan in around 60k. I have two daughters and am a single parent. I brought two plots which costs around 1crore beside the house. My montly expenses are 40k. Monthly I save 5k in postal n 5k in SIP emerging equities. I invest 3k each in SSA account of my daughters. I already have 10lakhs in my PPF account. 3lakhs in my SIP, 25lakhs gold. Iam having other income around 25k. My health insurance cover is 4lakhs , kids included. My House loan in for 50lakhs , with 25yrs repayment of 25k everymonth. Is there anything else i need to modify to make my kids education, marriage n my post retirement better. Am 35yrs now n i have 25 yrs of service.
Ans: Current Financial Overview
You are a single parent with two daughters.

You have a net monthly take-home pay of Rs 60k after house and car loan deductions.

Your monthly expenses are Rs 40k.

You save Rs 5k in postal savings and Rs 5k in SIP emerging equities.

You invest Rs 3k each in SSA accounts for your daughters.

You have Rs 10 lakhs in your PPF account and Rs 3 lakhs in SIPs.

You possess Rs 25 lakhs worth of gold.

You have an additional monthly income of Rs 25k.

Your health insurance covers Rs 4 lakhs for you and your kids.

You have a house loan of Rs 50 lakhs with a 25-year repayment of Rs 25k monthly.

Financial Goals
Kids' Education
Kids' Marriage
Post-Retirement Corpus
Investment Strategy
Increasing Savings and Investments
Emergency Fund: Create an emergency fund. It should cover 6-12 months of expenses. You can use liquid funds or a savings account for this.

Diversified Mutual Funds: Invest Rs 5k in diversified equity mutual funds. This balances risk and return.

Debt Mutual Funds: Invest Rs 5k in debt mutual funds for stability and lower risk.

Increase SIPs: Gradually increase SIP amounts in your existing funds.

Kids' Education and Marriage
SSA Accounts: Continue investing in SSA accounts for your daughters. This offers good returns and tax benefits.

Dedicated Education Fund: Start a dedicated mutual fund for your kids' education. Invest Rs 5k monthly. Choose a mix of equity and balanced funds.

Marriage Fund: Create a separate fund for your kids' marriage. Invest Rs 5k monthly in balanced and debt funds.

Retirement Planning
PPF Account: Continue contributing to your PPF account. This offers safe and tax-free returns.

Equity Funds: Increase investment in equity funds. They offer higher returns over the long term.

NPS: Consider investing in the National Pension System (NPS) for additional retirement savings and tax benefits.

Insurance Coverage
Health Insurance: Your current cover is Rs 4 lakhs. This may not be sufficient. Consider increasing it to at least Rs 10 lakhs.

Term Insurance: Ensure you have adequate term insurance. It should cover your outstanding loans and future financial needs of your children.

Review and Adjust
Annual Review: Regularly review your financial plan. Adjust your investments based on performance and changing goals.

Loan Repayment: Aim to prepay your home loan whenever possible. This reduces the interest burden and frees up resources for investment.

Final Insights
Your current financial plan is solid. However, increasing your investments and insurance coverage will secure your future and your children's future. Create dedicated funds for education, marriage, and retirement. Regularly review and adjust your financial plan to stay on track.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |6347 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Aug 13, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 08, 2024Hindi
Money
I am 23 single and I earn 41k pm and I send 22k at my home to parents as a part of responsibility and keep 19k to myself in which i pay 6k as a rent and on an around i end with 1-2k around in the end of the month from the 19k and i have an SIP of 4000 per month, and have invested around 40k in stock market in equity, i lic of 1cr for which i pay 40k per year. Do give me advice for the financial management how should i get my financials strong and what steps should be taken for the same.
Ans: You have a monthly income of Rs. 41,000. You send Rs. 22,000 to your parents, which shows a strong sense of responsibility. After rent and expenses, you manage to save around Rs. 1,000 to Rs. 2,000 per month. You also have an SIP of Rs. 4,000 and an investment of Rs. 40,000 in equities. Additionally, you pay Rs. 40,000 annually for a LIC policy with a cover of Rs. 1 crore. Your financial journey has begun, but you need a strategy to strengthen it further.

Budgeting: The Foundation of Financial Management
Budgeting is key to managing your finances better. Since your current savings are limited, a strict budget can help you find areas where you can cut costs. For example, you could look into reducing discretionary spending like eating out or entertainment. Saving small amounts from these areas can gradually build up your emergency fund.

Track Your Expenses:
Keep a detailed record of your monthly spending. This helps you identify where you can cut back.

Prioritize Saving:
Even small amounts saved every month can grow over time. Aim to increase your savings by Rs. 500 to Rs. 1,000 per month.

Reevaluate Your Rent:
Consider looking for a more affordable place to live if possible. Saving on rent can significantly impact your budget.

Reviewing Your SIP and Equity Investments
You have wisely started investing in an SIP and equities at a young age. This habit can yield significant returns over time. However, it’s essential to ensure your SIP is aligned with your financial goals.

Increase SIP Gradually:
Try to increase your SIP contributions by Rs. 500 to Rs. 1,000 every year. This small step can make a big difference over time.

Diversify Your Equity Portfolio:
If your Rs. 40,000 investment in equities is concentrated in a few stocks, consider diversifying. Spreading your investment across different sectors reduces risk.

Consider Actively Managed Funds:
Actively managed funds can potentially outperform the market. This offers better growth prospects compared to index funds.

Insurance and Risk Management
You have a Rs. 1 crore LIC policy, which is a significant step towards securing your financial future. However, it’s essential to review the policy’s terms and its alignment with your overall financial plan.

Reevaluate Your LIC Policy:
Evaluate if the annual Rs. 40,000 premium fits your current financial capacity. Consider if the policy provides value beyond just life cover.

Consider Term Insurance:
Term insurance is usually more cost-effective than traditional LIC policies. It provides the same coverage at a lower cost, allowing you to invest the savings.

Health Insurance:
If you don’t have health insurance, consider getting a basic plan. Medical emergencies can drain your savings quickly.

Building an Emergency Fund
An emergency fund is a must-have for financial stability. It provides a safety net in case of unforeseen expenses or job loss. Aim to build a fund that covers at least three to six months of your expenses.

Start Small:
Begin by saving a portion of your Rs. 1,000 to Rs. 2,000 monthly surplus. Gradually increase this amount as your income grows.

Keep It Accessible:
Ensure the money is easily accessible, but separate from your regular savings. A dedicated savings account is ideal.

Future Planning: Goals and Investments
At 23, you have time on your side. It’s the right time to think about your long-term goals, like buying a house, further education, or retirement. Early planning can help you achieve these goals more comfortably.

Set Clear Financial Goals:
Define what you want to achieve in the next 5, 10, and 20 years. This will guide your investment choices.

Consider Retirement Planning:
Even though retirement seems far away, starting early ensures you have a comfortable nest egg. Consider starting a PPF or NPS account to begin this journey.

Invest in Skill Development:
Investing in your skills can lead to better job opportunities and higher income. This, in turn, strengthens your financial position.

Managing Debt Wisely
Currently, you have no mention of loans or credit card debt, which is positive. However, managing debt is crucial as you progress in your career and take on more responsibilities.

Avoid High-Interest Debt:
If you ever need to take a loan, avoid high-interest options like personal loans or credit card debt.

Use Credit Cards Responsibly:
If you use a credit card, pay the full balance each month to avoid interest charges.

Regular Review and Adjustment
Your financial plan should not be static. As your income increases or life circumstances change, revisit your budget, investments, and goals.

Annual Review:
Make it a habit to review your financial plan every year. Adjust your SIPs, budget, and goals based on your current situation.

Stay Informed:
Keep yourself updated on financial products and market trends. This knowledge helps you make informed decisions.

Finally
Strengthening your financials at this stage is a wise decision. By budgeting, saving, and investing thoughtfully, you can build a strong financial foundation. With time and discipline, you’ll be well on your way to achieving your financial goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

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Milind Vadjikar  |171 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 20, 2024Hindi
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Hi, I'm 37 and I just started to invest in MFs regularly. My investments are listed below. Except a couple of them, all of them are either 1 month to a few days old. As mentioned below, started SIP of 40000 between Motilal Oswal Nifty Midcap 150 and Nippon india small cap. I would like to invest 40000 more in SIPs making my total investment as 1CR over the next 10 years, in the hopes of creating a portfolio of 2 CR with a 12% return on year. I understand that there are 11 MFs here but appreciate your suggestions on trimming this down while meeting the above mentioned financial goal. Thanks. 1. Motilal Oswal Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value 50000: 2. Nippon India Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 50000: 3. Mirae Asset ELSS Tax Saver Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value:70277: 4. Mirae Asset ELSS Tax Saver Reg-G: One Time: Investment: 24998: Current Value:38598: 5. Parag Parikh Flexi Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 52727: 6. Axis ELSS Tax Saver Dir-G: One Time: Investment:30000: Current Value: 63863: 7. Nippon India Large Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 49999.99: Current Value: 52358: 8. Motilal Oswal Midcap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 50000: Current Value: 54061: 9. Quant Small Cap Dir-G: One Time: Investment: 100000: Current Value: 103437: 10. Motilal Oswal Nifty Midcap 150 Dir-G: SIP: Investment:19999.98 Current Value: 20319: 11. Nippon India Small Cap Dir-G: SIP: Investment: 20000: Current Value 20040:
Ans: 1. Nifty 500 Momentum 50 Index is a recently introduced index and hence also your funds based on this index. The back tested results look attractive however I recommend you to monitor them closely for 2-3 years and if you feel not sure about their progress you may exit and redeploy proceeds into PPFAS flexicap fund and Nippon large cap fund.

2. The additional 40 K sip proposed maybe split between either ELSS(for tax saving too) or PPFAS flexicap and Nippon India large cap fund.

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6. As you reach closer to your target transfer the gains from equity funds to liquid/debt funds to protect it from volatility.

I am quite hopeful that you may very well achieve the intended target with the right approach.

*Investments in mutual funds are subject to market risks. Please read all scheme related documents carefully before investing.

You may follow us on X at @mars_invest for updates.

Happy Investing!!

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Ravi

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Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 07, 2024Hindi
Relationship
I met a women through a matrimonial site. I live abroad and she lives in India. I am 42 and she is 40 years old. We spoke for about 6 months. Then I came to India. Spent some time together and even met the parents. We both like each other. And have the blessings of the parents. But the problem is distance. I am very close to attaining citizenship. But still see that the process and getting an OCI could take at least 2 years. She has a good job with the central government in India. She has decent career prospects, in the country where I live. Initially, she was not interested in marrying anyone living abroad. I raised this with her when we spoke. She had come to where I live for a short diploma course, and was okay in talking with me. When I met her parents, they were also okay with her moving abroad. So far things have been good, but now we are trying to fix the dates for marriage, and trying to solve the long distance issue. I suggested that she could take a sabbatical and spend some time, or if possible pursue higher education. so she need not leave her job in India. Given her current background she also has good career prospects already. However she panics now every time I try to breach this topic. She is scared even to research n life abroad, and now she feels it is better we break up. She admits that , she is a chronic overthinker, I have been very careful in dealing with difficult topics. She has had a relatively easy life, whereas I am used to dealing with challenges personal and professional setbacks. It is really difficult to connect with someone, irrespective of age. I have worked for 18 years in India, and not keen to go through the toxic culture and harsh corporate life. She has a transferable job in India, so even in India we might struggle to be together. I am okay with retiring, from a corpoarte jb and seeking another career which would keep me financially independant and help me lead a meanigful existene. I am exploring ways, but thiis is going to take time. We both considered all the scenarios, and agreed that if she finds a good job abroad, would be relatiely the easier path. But now she is not even ready to consider this and becomes very anxious. . I feel I am more, happy healthy living abroad than in India. I was diabetic in India, and am now off medicines , after moving abroad. It has been easier for me to lead a happy and healthy life abroad, even though I live alone. I am wondering how to approach this. I do not want to hurt anyone. I can understand why she is anxious. I have told her that she does not have to leave her job, she only has to research if she has good prospects. I even offered to get her in touch with folks who have made such transition. I gave her contact details of consultants who can advic her on her career prospects. Visa etc is not an issue. Please advise if I can salvage this relationship or better to accept defeat. I really like her and do not want to hurt her.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand your concerns. It is a tough choice- both for you and her. On one hand, we can't completely deny her concerns either. She has a good job here and the fear is only fair. But, given her chronic overthinking, she must have already created a worse scenario in her head. It sounds like you both are in a difficult spot where you care for each other deeply but life-changing decisions are creating anxiety. No matter how much you tell her, it isn't going to help. She has to come to terms with it herself. but there are some things you can do to speed up the process-

Acknowledge the fear- Don't make her feel like she is wrong to think this way, or that she is merely overthinking. There is some logic to her fears. Acknowledge that. It does not mean you are encouraging them. Just let her know that any big life decisions are bound to cause some panic in a person and her feelings are completely valid.

Encourage her to take small steps- Instead of asking her to talk to people who have made the shift, try casually including stories of such people in a normal daily conversation once in a while. It would not feel like a commitment but also give her an idea.

Frame the discussion in a better way- For instance, instead of focusing on the move, discuss the life you will be building together. This will give her a scope to see what she can gain if only she can get over her fears.

Do not rush- Big life decisions can't be taken in a hurry. So, give her that space and time. In the meantime, you can continue with life as it was. Let her know that there isn't a timeframe within which she has to decide. This isn't an ultimatum. Sometimes a few kind words can make all the difference.

It's still not time to give up. Is she worth trying a little more? If yes, try. Create a space that is free of judgment where she can openly share her worries, no matter how trivial they might be. It can seem that you are putting in all the effort, but for a chronic overthinker, even considering or trying to overcome a set fear is a big task. Give her a little more time. I am sure things will work out soon.

Best Wishes.

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Ravi

Ravi Mittal  |314 Answers  |Ask -

Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Aug 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
So, i've started talking to this girl who was a classmate during my college. We've never talked all this time... But we started talking only after 7 years... She was currently working near my home town.. and i am working in a neighbouring state. It is 3 or 4months now.. we are talking and we liked each other...like.. we were in the same situations in life... Like.. we both lost our mothers.. and we are from the same community.. but the deadlock came here in the guise of religion. She belongs to one and i belong to another... Even though we both from same caste... We had a discussion before like.. even though we like each other... she cant move forward in relation because of religion. We had am understanding for sometime... But recently we had a discussion over the same topic and we had a fight... Now the girl and i are not fully talking to each other... Cause she was frightened on what could happen to us if we move forward in a relationship and it fails... Because we are not a stage to try and test things because we both are 29 and you know how it will be in family for a girl... So pleaseee give me advice how to save this relationship... Because i dont want to miss this girl at all. Please...
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

I understand that you are in a tough spot, but if she has truly made up her mind not to proceed with the relationship, especially based on something as sensitive as religion, I cannot advise you to pursue her or try to convince her further. The only thing you can do is have one last open discussion where you express your feelings and the things you are willing to do to make this relationship work out. And for one last time, you can ask her, and only ask, if she would be willing to give it another try. If the answer is still a no, I am sorry, but it would not be wise to continue pushing this. If religion is important to her or an integral part of her family values, it would be selfish to ask her to set that aside for you.

I hope things work out for you.


Best Wishes.

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Dating, Relationships Expert - Answered on Sep 20, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 16, 2024Hindi
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Hi sir, I’m planning to start a new life with my girlfriend for rest of my life leaving our both families aside. Reason to do that is, I’m recently married with other girl, and my gf married to other guy. We both didn’t even completed 6 months. We are not happy with our life partners. The reason we Got married to other is lack of courage to fight elders by my girlfriend but now she is ready to do fight or even leave them aside for me and start a new complete life.I’m a simple corporate working guy. We are completely decided to live together whatever happens. Our parents wont accept us as they are thinking about our married partners. Whats the best advice you would give to us to start new life in other state?
Ans: Dear Anonymous,

This is a huge decision. First, I would advise both of you to think this through. I am not discouraging you because a broken marriage is far better than a forced one. But if you have even the slightest tinge of doubt, don't rush it. A lot of people are involved in this.

Here are my two cents-

Respect your current marriage- Even if you decide to leave your spouses, you have to handle this situation responsibly and with respect. You are in love with each other, but your current partners are going to suffer for it, through no fault of their own. The least you can do is part ways with kindness and integrity.

Legalities- Divorces can be a long and complicated process. It takes a financial and mental toll on people. Be prepared for that, especially since you do not have the support of your family.

Mental health- Here I am not only talking about your mental health, you need to consider your current spouse's mental health too. And though leaving behind your family seems to be the only option, it is still a big decision. Make sure both you and your girlfriend are in the right frame of mind when you finalize the decision.

As for building a new life in a new city, as exciting as it is, it will be equally challenging. Plan everything to the last detail- finances, living arrangements, job, etc. Before you make the move, make sure both of you are financially independent and self-sufficient. That's the only way to tackle any hurdles.

My best advice is to make this decision very carefully and approach the situation with empathy for all parties involved. I urge you to be honest with your current partner, instead of ever resorting to gaslighting. This is on you, but it would be easy to pin this on your spouse. Don't take the easy route. Take the right one.

I hope things work out for you with no one getting irreparably hurt.

Best wishes.

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