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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 27, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Ahil Question by Ahil on May 22, 2024Hindi
Money

Sir I am 55 years old lady and interested to start my sip ..how do i start from home through online and in which fund to invest? Me and my husband are living after his retirement .our children are settled in foreign countries .we have no pension ..we are having some money 5 lakh and own house to live.no debts.please guide me sir.

Ans: Understanding Your Financial Situation
Your proactive approach to financial planning is commendable. At 55, starting a SIP (Systematic Investment Plan) is a wise decision. You and your husband have a secure living arrangement and no debts, which is excellent. With Rs 5 lakh available for investment, let’s explore how to start a SIP from home and choose suitable funds.

Starting SIP Online
Starting a SIP from home is convenient and straightforward. Most mutual fund companies and investment platforms offer online services. Follow these steps to get started:

Choose a Reputable MFD
Select a well-known mutual fund distributor (pls avoid digital investment platforms) that offers online SIP facilities. It's important to choose a MFD that is professional. accessible and has a good reputation for customer service.

Complete KYC
Ensure your KYC (Know Your Customer) process is complete. This can often be done online by submitting your PAN card, address proof, and a photograph. KYC is a mandatory process for investing in mutual funds in India. It helps in verifying your identity and address.

Register and Create an Account
Sign up on the platform by providing your personal details and completing the verification process. Creating an account is usually straightforward and involves filling in basic information like your name, email address, and phone number.

Select SIP
Choose the SIP option and decide on the amount you want to invest monthly. It's important to select an amount that you can comfortably invest every month without straining your finances.

Choose Funds
Select the mutual funds you wish to invest in based on your risk tolerance and financial goals. It's advisable to diversify your investments across different types of funds to balance risk and returns.

Set Up Auto-Debit
Link your bank account to set up an auto-debit facility for regular SIP payments. This ensures that your SIP amount is automatically deducted from your bank account every month, making the process hassle-free.

Monitor and Adjust
Regularly monitor your investments and make adjustments as needed to stay on track with your financial goals. Staying informed about the performance of your investments helps you make better decisions.

Role of a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD)
A Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) plays a crucial role in simplifying the investment process. Here's how an MFD can assist you in setting up KYC and SIP easily online:

Expertise and Guidance
MFDs have extensive knowledge about various mutual funds and investment strategies. They can guide you in choosing the right funds based on your risk profile and financial goals. Their expertise ensures that your investments are aligned with your objectives.

Assistance with KYC
Completing the KYC process can be overwhelming, especially if you are not familiar with the requirements. An MFD can assist you with the KYC process by providing step-by-step guidance. They can help you fill out the necessary forms and submit the required documents online.

Simplifying Account Setup
Setting up an account on an investment platform involves several steps. An MFD can simplify this process by helping you navigate through the platform. They can assist with registration, filling out personal details, and verifying your information.

Selecting the Right SIP
Choosing the right SIP amount and mutual funds is crucial for achieving your financial goals. An MFD can help you decide on a suitable SIP amount based on your income and expenses. They can also recommend mutual funds that match your risk tolerance and investment horizon.

Setting Up Auto-Debit
Linking your bank account for auto-debit can sometimes be tricky. An MFD can guide you through the process, ensuring that your SIP payments are set up correctly. This service ensures that your investments are made regularly without any hassle.

Regular Monitoring and Adjustments
Investments need to be monitored regularly to ensure they are performing as expected. An MFD can provide you with regular updates on your investment performance. They can suggest adjustments to your portfolio based on market conditions and your changing financial situation.

Choosing the Right Funds
Selecting the right mutual funds is crucial for achieving your financial goals. Here are some factors to consider when choosing funds:

Assessing Risk Tolerance
Understanding your risk tolerance helps in selecting suitable funds. At your age, a balanced approach is recommended. This means combining equity and debt funds to manage risk while aiming for reasonable returns.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds offer several advantages over index funds. Fund managers actively make investment decisions to outperform the market. This approach provides the potential for higher returns and better risk management.

Avoiding Direct Mutual Funds
Direct mutual funds have lower expense ratios but require more time and knowledge. Investing through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) ensures professional management and guidance. CFPs help optimize your investment strategy and align it with your goals.

Diversifying Your Portfolio
Diversification reduces risk by spreading investments across different asset classes. A mix of equity and debt funds provides stability and growth potential. Equity funds offer higher returns, while debt funds provide safety and regular income.

Creating a Balanced Portfolio
A balanced portfolio is essential for financial security. Allocate a portion of your investments to equity funds for growth. Simultaneously, invest in debt funds to ensure stability and income.

Regular Review and Adjustments
Regularly reviewing and adjusting your portfolio is important. Monitor the performance of your investments and make necessary changes. Staying informed about market trends and economic conditions helps in making informed decisions.

Building an Emergency Fund
An emergency fund is crucial for financial security. Set aside 6-12 months’ worth of expenses in a liquid account. This fund provides a safety net for unexpected expenses.

Ensuring Adequate Insurance Coverage
Health and life insurance are essential. Ensure you have adequate coverage to protect against unforeseen medical and life events. Review your existing policies and consider additional coverage if needed.

Planning for Inflation
Inflation can erode your purchasing power over time. Plan for inflation by investing in instruments that provide inflation-adjusted returns. Equity funds and actively managed funds can offer higher returns to combat inflation.

Seeking Professional Guidance
Consulting a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) can provide expert advice tailored to your financial situation. CFPs help in optimizing your investment strategy and achieving your goals. Their guidance ensures you make informed decisions and navigate market complexities effectively.

Conclusion
Your proactive approach to starting a SIP and managing your finances is commendable. By following the steps outlined above, you can start your SIP from home and select suitable funds. Balancing equity and debt investments ensures stability and growth. Consulting a Certified Financial Planner provides expert guidance and optimization.

Regularly review and adjust your portfolio to stay on track with your goals. Building an emergency fund and ensuring adequate insurance coverage provides financial security. Your disciplined approach positions you well for a comfortable financial future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 18, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Apr 14, 2024Hindi
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I am 32 and wants to initiate SIP amounting INR 15000-20000 per month . Can you guide me how to initiate this , it will be for long term min. next 10-15 year . My goal is to have decent savings and funds for my just born baby future
Ans: Starting SIPs for You & Your Little One: A Smart Move!
Congratulations on becoming a parent and thinking about your future! Starting a SIP (Systematic Investment Plan) of Rs. 15,000-20,000 per month is a fantastic decision for your long-term goals (10-15 years). Here's how to get started and some tips:

Choosing a Platform:

Multiple Options: You can invest in SIPs through various platforms:
Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) with a CFP: Get personalized advice and invest through their platform.
Online Investment Platforms: Invest directly on user-friendly platforms.
Benefits of Each Platform:

MFD-CFP: They assess your risk tolerance, goals, and recommend suitable funds. They can also help choose an online platform.
Online Platforms: Convenient and offer a variety of investment options.
Initiating Your SIP:

Simple Process: Once you choose a platform and funds, setting up an SIP is straightforward.

Automated Investment: SIPs automatically deduct a fixed amount from your bank account every month, ensuring disciplined investing.

Investing for Your Child:

Separate SIP: Consider a separate SIP for your child's future goals (education, etc.). A CFP can help choose child-specific plans.
Remember:

Start Early: The power of compounding can significantly grow your investments over time. 10-15 years is a great investment horizon.

Diversification is Key: Invest in a mix of equity and debt funds to balance growth potential with stability. Actively managed funds involve experienced fund managers who try to pick stocks to outperform the market. Actively managed funds come with higher fees compared to passively managed funds.

Review Regularly: Review your SIPs (at least annually) with your MFD-CFP to ensure they remain aligned with your evolving goals.

Congrats on taking charge of your finances! SIPs are a powerful tool to build wealth for you and your child's future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 21, 2024Hindi
Money
Hi sir I am 24 years old I am recently starting to learn about investing and I want to start an SIP but don't know where to begin and where to invest how much to invest and I want to build a Corpus around 5 to 10 crore so that I can retire early how much should I invest and how to diverse for the portfolio between any mutual funds are any other medium to retired the age of 45
Ans: It's fantastic that you're starting to learn about investing at 24. Starting early gives you a significant advantage. Your goal to retire early with a corpus of ?5 to ?10 crore is ambitious but achievable with the right strategy. Let's explore how you can start an SIP, decide where to invest, and diversify your portfolio effectively.

Understanding Systematic Investment Plans (SIP)
What is an SIP?
A Systematic Investment Plan (SIP) is a method of investing a fixed amount regularly in a mutual fund. This approach helps inculcate discipline, takes advantage of rupee cost averaging, and leverages the power of compounding.

Benefits of SIPs
SIPs allow you to start with a small amount, making it accessible for everyone. They provide the benefit of compounding, which means your money grows faster over time. Regular investments also reduce the risk of market volatility.

Setting Clear Financial Goals
Define Your Retirement Goal
To build a corpus of ?5 to ?10 crore by the age of 45, you need to plan meticulously. Define your goal clearly, keeping in mind factors like inflation and your future financial needs.

Determine Your Investment Amount
Deciding how much to invest monthly is crucial. You can use online SIP calculators to estimate the required monthly investment. These calculators consider expected returns and investment duration.

Choosing the Right Mutual Funds
Types of Mutual Funds
Mutual funds come in various types, such as equity, debt, and hybrid funds. Equity funds invest in stocks, debt funds in fixed-income securities, and hybrid funds in a mix of both.

Actively Managed Funds vs. Index Funds
Actively managed funds have professional fund managers who aim to outperform market indices through research and strategic decisions. Index funds, on the other hand, simply replicate market indices and lack the advantage of professional management. For higher potential returns, actively managed funds are often preferable.

Benefits of Regular Funds Through a CFP
Opting for regular funds through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) provides professional guidance. They help in selecting funds that align with your goals, reducing the risk of uninformed decisions. Direct funds require more time and knowledge, which can be challenging for new investors.

Diversifying Your Portfolio
Importance of Diversification
Diversification spreads your investments across different asset classes and sectors, reducing risk. A well-diversified portfolio balances potential returns and risks.

Asset Allocation Strategy
An effective asset allocation strategy involves spreading your investments across equity, debt, and hybrid funds. Young investors can allocate a higher percentage to equity funds for growth potential, while including debt funds for stability.

Rebalancing Your Portfolio
Regularly review and rebalance your portfolio to maintain the desired asset allocation. This ensures your investments stay aligned with your risk tolerance and financial goals.

Steps to Start Investing in SIPs
Step 1: Choose the Right Mutual Funds
Research and select mutual funds that match your investment goals and risk appetite. Consider funds with a good track record and consistent performance.

Step 2: Determine the SIP Amount
Decide on the monthly investment amount based on your financial goal, time horizon, and current financial situation. Use SIP calculators to guide you.

Step 3: Start the SIP
Initiate the SIP through an online investment platform or with the help of a Certified Financial Planner. Set up automatic transfers to ensure regular investments without fail.

Additional Investment Options
Public Provident Fund (PPF)
PPF is a safe, long-term investment option with tax benefits. It suits conservative investors and provides a fixed return over the years. Including PPF in your portfolio adds stability.

Employee Provident Fund (EPF)
If you're employed, contribute to EPF. It offers tax benefits and is a secure investment. EPF contributions accumulate over time, providing a substantial corpus upon retirement.

National Pension System (NPS)
NPS is a government-sponsored pension scheme that offers tax benefits and a mix of equity and debt exposure. It's designed to provide a steady income post-retirement.

Avoiding Common Investment Mistakes
Avoid High-Risk Investments
High-risk investments, like certain stocks or speculative ventures, can jeopardize your financial goals. Focus on stable, diversified options for long-term growth.

Avoid Unnecessary Debt
Minimise unnecessary debt. High-interest debts can eat into your savings and investments. Prioritise paying off existing debts before increasing your investment amounts.

Stay Disciplined
Staying disciplined in your investment journey is crucial. Regularly invest through SIPs, avoid impulsive financial decisions, and stick to your financial plan.

Monitoring and Reviewing Your Investments
Regular Review
Regularly review your investment portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals. Monitor the performance of your mutual funds and make necessary adjustments.

Seek Professional Guidance
A Certified Financial Planner can provide valuable insights and help you navigate market changes. They ensure your investment strategy stays on track to meet your financial goals.

Conclusion
Starting your investment journey with SIPs at 24 is a wise decision. By defining clear financial goals, choosing the right mutual funds, and maintaining a disciplined approach, you can achieve your dream of early retirement. Diversifying your portfolio and regularly reviewing your investments are crucial steps to ensure steady growth and mitigate risks.

Your ambition to retire early with a corpus of ?5 to ?10 crore is within reach. Stay informed, stay disciplined, and seek professional guidance when needed. Your future financial independence will be the reward for the efforts you put in today.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Requesting you, to help me, regarding midcap 150 etf of mirae asset midcap 150 etf for longterm through SIP
Ans: Let us review the suitability of investing in a mid-cap 150 ETF for the long term via SIP.

Understanding ETFs and Their Characteristics
Passive Management: Midcap ETFs replicate an index like the Nifty Midcap 150.

Cost Efficiency: They offer lower expense ratios compared to actively managed funds.

No Active Decision Making: They do not try to outperform the market but track the index.

Volatility Concerns: Midcap indices are more volatile than large-cap indices.

Returns Depend on Index: The ETF's performance mirrors the performance of its benchmark.

Disadvantages of Investing in Midcap ETFs
Lack of Active Management
Mid-cap stocks are highly volatile.

Active fund managers can adjust portfolios to limit risks during downturns.

ETFs lack this flexibility, as they strictly follow the index composition.

Limited Flexibility in Rebalancing
Market conditions often demand sector rotation or stock-specific decisions.

Actively managed funds adapt to such conditions, but ETFs cannot.

Tracking Errors
ETFs may not perfectly replicate the index due to tracking errors.

This can affect returns, especially over the long term.

Why Actively Managed Funds May Be Better
Fund Manager Expertise
Skilled managers can outperform the index by selecting high-growth stocks.

They can mitigate risks in falling markets through tactical decisions.

Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not limited to a predefined basket of stocks.

Managers can select fundamentally strong stocks beyond the index.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds have historically outperformed midcap indices over long periods.

This makes them a better choice for wealth creation in the mid-cap segment.

Recommendations for Long-Term Mid-Cap Investments
Diversify: Include actively managed mid-cap funds instead of relying solely on an ETF.

Professional Guidance: Invest in regular plans via a Certified Financial Planner.

Monitor Performance: Review fund performance every 6–12 months.

Manage Risk: Avoid overexposure to mid-cap investments due to their volatility.

Final Insights
While Mirae Asset Midcap 150 ETF is a low-cost option, it has limitations.

Active mid-cap funds can better navigate market volatility.

They provide the flexibility and expertise required for wealth creation.

For long-term SIPs, consider balanced exposure to actively managed funds. This ensures both growth and risk management over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Money
Dear sir, I am 50 years old and working in private sector MNC 1.5 Lakhs on hand. My job security is very less. I have two kids aged 18, 14 years old. My wife is housewife. I have 80L in Mutual funds and 20L in stocks, Bank deposits 40L. I am investing in SIP in below Mutual funds all direct growth around 57000 pm. CR Bule chip fund, MA Large and Midcap, HDFC smallcap each 5000 pm (15000) step up 2000 every 6months. Invesco Infra, JM Value fund, Nippon India Multicap, Small cap, Parag parekh Flexi cap, Quant Small cap, Mid cap each 6000 pm (42000), all these SIPs started recently from June 2024. Some Lumpsum in Axis smallcap 6L, Bandan core Equity 3L, CR Smallcap 8L, DSP smallcap 4L,HSBC Flexicap 3.5, HSBC Smallcap 3L, ICICI Pru Infra 3.5L, Value discovery 3L, Invesco Large & Midcap 2L, JM Flexicap 1L, Motilal Oswal Midcap 8L, SBI Bluechip 7L, Infrastructure 2L, Sundaram Smallcap 3L My expenses per month are 1.2 Lakh. I don't have loans/EMIs. Please advice me for my retirement life which need at least 1.5L per month, my kids education expenses, and also advice to my Portfolio. Thanks and regards, Yours sincerely, Purushotham Thati
Ans: Your current portfolio and investment habits show a good start. Let us evaluate your financial standing, address your goals, and provide suggestions for optimisation.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh and expenses of Rs. 1.2 lakh. This leaves a surplus of Rs. 30,000 per month.

Investment Corpus: Your existing corpus includes Rs. 80 lakh in mutual funds, Rs. 20 lakh in stocks, and Rs. 40 lakh in bank deposits.

SIP Contributions: You are investing Rs. 57,000 monthly across multiple mutual funds.

Lump Sum Investments: You have allocated significant lump sums to small-cap, flexi-cap, and thematic funds.

Goals: Your goals include securing Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly for retirement and funding your children's education.

Planning for Retirement
Corpus Required
You aim for Rs. 1.5 lakh per month during retirement.

Factor in inflation to estimate future monthly expenses.

The current corpus and SIPs must grow consistently to meet this goal.

Recommendations
Maintain a balanced allocation between equity and debt for steady growth.

Avoid excessive concentration in small-cap and thematic funds, which are volatile.

Increase exposure to balanced and flexi-cap funds for stability.

Planning for Children’s Education
Current Needs
Your children are aged 18 and 14, which implies upcoming higher education expenses.

Plan for expenses within the next 4–8 years.

Recommendations
Create a dedicated education fund for both children.

Use debt-oriented hybrid funds or short-term debt funds for near-term goals.

Ensure part of your mutual fund corpus is earmarked for this purpose.

Portfolio Review and Suggestions
Strengths of the Portfolio
Disciplined SIP Investments: Investing Rs. 57,000 monthly shows financial discipline.

Diversification: Exposure to various categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds.

Areas for Improvement
Excessive Small-Cap Allocation: High exposure to small-cap funds increases volatility.

Thematic Fund Overlap: Thematic funds like infrastructure may lead to concentration risks.

Direct Fund Investments: Direct funds lack professional guidance and ongoing monitoring.

Portfolio Optimisation
Consolidate funds to reduce over-diversification and improve focus.

Shift some SIPs to balanced advantage or hybrid funds for stability.

Review and replace underperforming funds periodically.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner to benefit from professional advice.

Optimising Lumpsum Investments
Review the performance of your lump sum investments.

Redeploy underperforming small-cap and thematic funds into balanced funds.

Keep a portion of your bank deposits in liquid funds for emergencies.

Avoid high allocations to sectoral or cyclical funds due to their dependency on market conditions.

Tax Planning
Long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions considering these rules to minimise tax liabilities.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Maintain at least 6–12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.

This ensures financial security given your low job security.

Allocate Rs. 15–20 lakh from your bank deposits for this purpose.

Recommendations for SIPs
Reduce exposure to small-cap and thematic funds.

Increase allocation to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Consider balanced advantage funds to manage market volatility.

Step-up SIPs only after assessing fund performance.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong, but optimisation is essential.

Prioritise stability and diversification in your portfolio.

Allocate funds separately for retirement and children’s education.

Maintain a robust emergency fund to handle uncertainties.

Seek professional advice to streamline and monitor your investments.

Consistent review and disciplined investing will help you achieve financial independence and secure your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |807 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
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Retiremen advice I am 50 yrs old single with recurring and chronic health issues. I would like to retire and I have 2 crore in FD 1 crore in stock and mutual funds I also own a home and a flat both are free of debt. Please advice me to restructure my assets and have a peaceful retirement. My tax consultant told me I can get up to 3 lakhs per month with 3 cr invested in stocks and mutual funds How realistic is it possible and how to montage the downside risks associated with it. I had been a victim of Franklin Templeton debt funds during covid and I do not trust Mutual funds houses or its manages as before.
Ans: Hello;

It is impossible to get 3 L per month with 3 Cr corpus in mutual funds, unless you are ready to deplete the corpus completely over 10-12 years.

Since you were impacted with Franklin Templeton debt funds issue earlier, I recommend you to buy an immediate annuity from a life insurance company for a sum of 2.8 Cr.

You may chose annuity for life with return of purchase price to your nominee.

It may yield you a post tax monthly income of around 1.1 L+.

After fulfilling your regular expenses you may begin a monthly sip of 10-15 K in any equity fund.

The corpus that this investment will generate over 10-15 years may be used to top-up annuity and hence monthly payouts to account for rise in the inflation.

You may keep balance 20 L corpus in savings account as emergency fund.

Although the Franklin Templeton debt fund issue was difficult for the unitholders of those funds, the alacrity and surgical precision with which SEBI handled that issue and ensured all investors get their money back was commendable.

We cannot control human behaviour but we have extremely robust system of checks and balances in regulation of our MF industry to safeguard investor interests at all costs even if some negative event occurs.

Seek help from a mutual fund distributor or an investment advisor for help, if required.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Relationship
Hi, I Am 26(M). I had an arranged marriage, my wife had a pre-marital affair which continued even after our engagement and for 9 months of marriage. According to my wife, she met him once and he wanted to have sex but my wife didn't do it. (The used to chat on Instagram). I found out today after 2 years of marriage. And we just had a baby. My wife asked me to use Instagram after we got engaged, but I refused because I was afraid it would have a bad effect on her. I don't even use it cause I know what can go wrong. When I caught her red-handed and saw the man's chats, I took her phone. And then I had read a little chat, then my wife came to me and said that she had to call our maid. I gave her the phone and she not only spoke on the phone but also deleted the chats with the guy. My eyes were closed when she spoke to maid on the phone. Cause I was so tired. Then I asked my wife to talk to him in front of me because I wanted to teach him a lesson and find his fiancée and tell her the truth. I'm very loyal to my wife. And she was my world. I've never had a girlfriend. I am open minded and I had asked my wife before the engagement, after the engagement on the phone and even after the marriage that if she had a past, I will accept it. My wife messaged him and he asked her talk on video call. The guy also knows that we have just had a baby who is not even 1 month old. I turned on the screen recording of the video call and gave it to my wife. In that screen recording, my wife texted the guy and told him to talk carefully cause I was sitting in front of her and then deleted the message with option of 'delete for you' on Instagram. This is how my wife cheated on me 2 times even after being caught. She told me that she loved me later on. And she took great care of me. She brought me out of depression. She did everything and I also loved her with all my heart and did everything for her. Right now she is saying I forgive her and she wants to live with me like before. She apologized a ton as well. But I don't know what to do at the moment. After so many lies, I can't trust her easily. She has a habit of lying in small things as well. I want to live with her, she was my support, my mother is not even there. when I was 12 years old... Now what do I do? Please kindly guide me!
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
Yes, you feel like your trust has been broken. Is it easy to build back that trust? Yes and No...Yes, if you wish to...No, if you don't wish to...
If you go back in time and play the same story about how you wife was on Instagram and how she 'cheated' on you, there is no way that you can put your marriage back together.
How are you open-minded when an Instagram account causes you to fear what will happen? I can understand that you are a person with no past girlfriends but people do come with a past. Now, your wife could have shared her past with you, but most women seem to not want to for fear of reaction from the men like you have now. I can see that all this has hurt you, but if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to drop all the past baggage, yours and your wife's and start afresh. Which means taking things for what it is NOW at face value without doubting it.
Can you do that? My suggestion would be: make an honest attempt at it. But warn yourself against going back in to the past otherwise there will be more mud throwing and no solution in sight.
Start new, Start afresh...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 28, 2024 | Answered on Dec 28, 2024
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Thanks You Very Much Ma'am For Your Answer. The Reason For Not Using Instagram Was Cause I Didn't Wanted To Look At Any Other Women Instead Of Her. My Intentions Were Pure. Also I Didn't wanted a thing which can spark of cheating so there will be no fire. I am open minded I told her I will accept it. Problem is that affair continued even after engagement and marriage (till 9 months of marriage) But today's condition is that i think she has lost interest. We have tradition inwhich wife goes to their home and stay for 2-3 months. Her mother has been so influential from beginning so am telling her to comeback. She is not ready to comeback even when I am sick. I told her to come back for at least 4-5 days so we can talk. I am afraid she will mindwash her. And I can see that. I have given the best possible time yet she is complaining that I don't give time. When I told her to come back she overeated that she will never go there and that. She wasn't like this. She was with me in my everything. I am so confused. I have forgiven & forgotten everything about the past still... What do you suggest ma'am???
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
I have already made my suggestions in the initial response. Start afresh and wipe the slate clean. Rebuilding trust cannot happen overnight, so give the marriage a fair GO.
What you have shared again are problems and when you stay in that Zone, you will only be able to focus on problems. When there is an intention to solve the issue, the prerequisite is to move away from all the things that have gone wrong/bad and all the things that you think will go wrong/bad. That's the only way to solve problems. So my suggestions are still the same.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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