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Seeking Investment Advice: 50yo with 78k Salary, Working Wife, and 2 Kids - SIP or Lump Sum?

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |917 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Milind Vadjikar is an independent MF distributor registered with Association of Mutual Funds in India (AMFI) and a retirement financial planning advisor registered with Pension Fund Regulatory and Development Authority (PFRDA).
He has a mechanical engineering degree from Government Engineering College, Sambhajinagar, and an MBA in international business from the Symbiosis Institute of Business Management, Pune.
With over 16 years of experience in stock investments, and over six year experience in investment guidance and support, he believes that balanced asset allocation and goal-focused disciplined investing is the key to achieving investor goals.... more
anand Question by anand on Jan 24, 2025Hindi
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i am 50 years old . my take home salary is 78 k per month my wife is working woman she is getting 35 k in hand two child age 9 yrs and 14 yrs suggest me the sip one time or monthly . moderate risk

Ans: Hello;

You may begin a monthly sip of 50 K in a equity savings type mutual fund with moderate risk rating.

Recommend you to step up the monthly sip by 5% every year.

This may grow into a corpus of 1.18 Cr after 10 years assuming modest 9% return.

Happy Investing;
X: @mars_invest
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on May 23, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - May 22, 2024Hindi
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I am 34years old and has a income of 80000 permonth. Emi -35k House Expenses-30k . No savings till now. I am married and expecting a baby this year.please suggest me sip or fd ?
Ans: Financial Planning for Your Growing Family

Congratulations on the exciting news of expecting a baby! This is indeed a significant milestone in your life journey. As a Certified Financial Planner, I understand the importance of making wise financial decisions, especially during such transformative times. Let's assess your current situation and explore suitable options for you.

Assessment of Current Situation

It's great that you've reached out for financial guidance, especially with a new addition to your family on the horizon. Let's start by evaluating your current financial scenario.

You're 34 years old, with a monthly income of ?80,000. After deducting your EMIs (?35,000) and house expenses (?30,000), it seems you don't have any savings yet. This indicates that there's room for improvement in managing your finances effectively, particularly with a baby on the way.

Understanding Your Options

Considering your circumstances, you're contemplating between Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) and Fixed Deposits (FDs). Let's delve into both options to determine the most suitable approach for you.

SIPs:

SIPs are a popular investment avenue for wealth creation over the long term. They offer the benefit of rupee cost averaging and the potential for higher returns compared to traditional savings instruments like FDs. However, it's crucial to note that SIPs are subject to market risks.

Fixed Deposits:

FDs, on the other hand, provide a fixed rate of interest over a predetermined period, offering stability and security. While FDs are less volatile compared to equity investments like SIPs, they typically offer lower returns, which may not outpace inflation in the long run.

Recommendation:

Given your age and the upcoming financial responsibilities associated with parenthood, I would recommend prioritizing long-term wealth accumulation over short-term gains. Therefore, SIPs could be a more suitable option for you.

Benefits of SIPs:

Potential for Higher Returns: SIPs have historically delivered superior returns compared to traditional saving instruments like FDs, helping you build wealth over time.
Diversification: SIPs allow you to invest in a diversified portfolio of mutual funds, spreading your risk across various asset classes.
Flexibility: You can start SIPs with a small amount and increase your investment gradually, making it accessible for individuals with varying financial capacities.
Disadvantages of FDs:

Limited Returns: FDs offer fixed returns, which may not keep pace with inflation, leading to a reduction in purchasing power over time.
Lack of Flexibility: Once you invest in an FD, your funds are locked in for a specific tenure, limiting liquidity and flexibility.
Action Plan:

Start SIPs in mutual funds that align with your risk profile and financial goals. A diversified portfolio can help mitigate risk and maximize returns over the long term.
Aim to allocate a portion of your monthly income towards SIPs, considering your expenses and upcoming financial obligations.
Continuously monitor and review your investments to ensure they remain aligned with your evolving financial goals and risk tolerance.
Conclusion:

In conclusion, considering your age, income, and impending parenthood, SIPs offer a more viable option for long-term wealth creation compared to FDs. However, it's essential to consult with a Certified Financial Planner to tailor an investment strategy that suits your unique circumstances and aspirations.

Congratulations once again on the impending arrival of your little one! Wishing you a prosperous financial journey ahead.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,
Chief Financial Planner,
www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jun 25, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jun 18, 2024Hindi
Money
Sir Namaskara I am 40 years old and have one daughter aged 8 years. my salary is 90k wife is homemaker. I have home loan of 29k and I can invest 15k monthly in sip ,mutual fund, Term plan My goal is to build corpus for our retirement and higher education of our daughter / marriage. Can I invest in SBI SIP or mutual fund, if so pls suggest which SIP or mutual fund I can invest in and for how many years and I don't have any insurance policies except for the ones provided by company for which every month 350 amount is deducted from our salary. Does taking term insurance is good and how many years do I take the insurance for. I am unable to decide whether to go with HDFC or maxlife...please suggest Thank you for your time and suggestions in advance ????
Ans: I understand your situation and I'm here to help. Your goals for retirement, your daughter's higher education, and marriage are very important. Let's go through this step by step.

Understanding Your Financial Situation
You're 40 years old with a salary of Rs 90,000 per month. Your wife is a homemaker, and you have an 8-year-old daughter. Your home loan EMI is Rs 29,000, leaving you with Rs 61,000 for other expenses and investments. You can invest Rs 15,000 monthly in SIPs and mutual funds. You also mentioned you lack insurance policies except the one provided by your company.

Goal Setting and Prioritizing
Your main financial goals are:

Retirement Planning: You need a substantial corpus to ensure a comfortable retirement.

Higher Education for Your Daughter: Education costs are rising, so early planning is crucial.

Marriage Expenses for Your Daughter: Saving for this ensures you're prepared for future expenses.

Investment Strategy: Mutual Funds and SIPs
Investing Rs 15,000 monthly in SIPs and mutual funds is a good strategy. Let's look at how you can distribute this amount.

Diversification for Balanced Growth
Diversifying your investments can manage risk and provide better returns. Here's a suggested breakdown:

Equity Mutual Funds: Allocate 60% (Rs 9,000) to equity mutual funds. These funds offer higher returns over the long term, ideal for retirement and long-term goals.

Debt Mutual Funds: Allocate 30% (Rs 4,500) to debt mutual funds. These funds provide stability and lower risk, balancing your portfolio.

Hybrid Mutual Funds: Allocate 10% (Rs 1,500) to hybrid funds. They combine equity and debt, providing moderate growth with controlled risk.

Actively Managed Funds vs. Index Funds
Index funds track the market, which can be volatile. For better returns, consider actively managed funds. These are managed by professionals who aim to outperform the market. Though they have higher fees, the potential for better returns is worth it.

Benefits of Regular Funds Through an MFD with CFP Credential
Investing through a Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) who is also a CFP can be advantageous. They provide personalized advice and help choose the right mix of funds. Regular funds, managed by professionals, adapt to market conditions and potentially offer better returns than direct funds.

Term Insurance: A Necessary Safety Net
Term insurance is essential for financial security. It ensures your family's future is protected in case of unforeseen circumstances. Here's why you need term insurance:

Financial Protection: It provides a financial safety net for your family.

Low Cost: Term insurance is affordable, especially when compared to other insurance types.

Sufficient Coverage: Choose a coverage amount that can replace your income and pay off liabilities.

Duration of Term Insurance
Take a term insurance policy that covers you till your retirement age, ideally up to 60-65 years. This ensures your family is protected during your working years.

Evaluating Insurance Providers
Both HDFC and Max Life offer good term insurance plans. Here’s what to consider:

Claim Settlement Ratio: A higher ratio indicates a better track record of settling claims.

Premium Costs: Compare the premium costs and choose one that fits your budget.

Rider Benefits: Look for additional benefits like critical illness cover, accidental death cover, etc.

Building a Retirement Corpus
Retirement planning is crucial. Start early and invest consistently. Here’s a strategy:

Long-term Equity Investments: Continue with equity mutual funds for long-term growth. They provide higher returns over time.

Regular Review and Rebalancing: Monitor your portfolio and adjust it based on your age and risk appetite.

Emergency Fund: Keep an emergency fund equal to 6-12 months of expenses. This covers unforeseen events and prevents dipping into your investments.

Higher Education and Marriage Corpus for Your Daughter
Education and marriage costs can be substantial. Here's how to plan for them:

Start Early: The earlier you start, the better. Compounding works in your favor.

Goal-based Investments: Allocate specific investments for education and marriage. Consider equity and hybrid funds for long-term growth.

Review Periodically: Review your investments regularly to ensure they align with your goals.

Advantages of Professional Management
A CFP can provide valuable insights and personalized advice. Here’s why professional management helps:

Expertise: They understand market dynamics and help choose the right funds.

Tailored Advice: They provide advice based on your specific goals and risk appetite.

Ongoing Support: Regular reviews and adjustments ensure your investments stay on track.

Importance of Regular Monitoring and Rebalancing
Regularly monitoring your investments ensures they stay aligned with your goals. Market conditions change, and so should your portfolio. Rebalancing helps maintain the desired asset allocation and manage risk.

Tax Considerations
Mutual fund investments come with tax implications. Understanding these can help optimize your returns:

Equity Funds: Long-term capital gains (LTCG) are tax-free up to Rs 1 lakh per year. Beyond this, it's taxed at 10%.

Debt Funds: Long-term gains are taxed at 20% with indexation benefits. Short-term gains are taxed as per your income slab.


Your proactive approach to financial planning is commendable. Taking steps now to secure your future shows foresight and responsibility.


I understand the importance of your goals. Education and marriage for your daughter, along with a comfortable retirement, are crucial milestones. Your dedication to planning is truly admirable.

Final Insights
Investing Rs 15,000 monthly in SIPs and mutual funds, coupled with term insurance, is a sound strategy. Diversify your investments across equity, debt, and hybrid funds for balanced growth and stability. Actively managed funds offer better potential returns, making them a preferable choice over index funds. Professional guidance from a CFP ensures your investments are well-managed and aligned with your goals.

Take a term insurance policy to protect your family's future. Choose a policy with sufficient coverage, ideally till your retirement age. Regularly monitor and rebalance your portfolio to stay on track. Your commitment to financial planning is praiseworthy, and with the right strategy, you can achieve your goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 06, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 05, 2025Hindi
Money
I am 57 I want to start SIP of 10000/- p.m My Daughter is 22 I will need funds after 5 yrs Please advise
Ans: At 57, planning for your future needs with an SIP of Rs. 10,000 per month is a prudent approach. You have 5 years before you require these funds, and it's important to evaluate the best strategy to maximize returns while balancing risk and liquidity.

Financial Goals and Timeline
Time Horizon: You plan to need funds in 5 years, which means a medium-term horizon.

SIP Amount: Committing Rs. 10,000 monthly is a disciplined way to save and grow your investments.

End Objective: Funds will likely be needed for a specific purpose, possibly related to your daughter or your own requirements.

Investment Strategy for 5-Year Goal
Risk Profile: At your age, it's critical to strike a balance between risk and safety. Given that you have 5 years, you may want to focus on a more stable growth strategy.

Asset Allocation: Consider a mix of equity and debt funds. Equity funds can provide higher returns but come with risk. Debt funds offer lower returns but are more stable.

SIP in Equity Mutual Funds: Equity mutual funds can provide higher growth over the 5-year period. However, this comes with risk, so it's important to diversify across sectors.

Debt Mutual Funds: For more stability, consider allocating a portion of your SIP into debt funds. These funds are lower in risk and can balance the volatility of equities.

Benefits of Actively Managed Funds
Active Management: Unlike index funds, actively managed funds are handled by fund managers who make strategic decisions. This gives them the ability to outperform the market by selecting high-quality stocks.

Flexibility: Active funds can react to market changes and invest in specific growth sectors. They do not just follow the market.

Disadvantages of Index Funds: Index funds simply replicate an index, meaning they have no flexibility to outperform or react to market conditions. They are suitable for long-term investors, but for a 5-year goal, actively managed funds are preferable.

Importance of Regular Mutual Fund Plans
Regular vs. Direct Funds: Direct plans might seem appealing due to lower expense ratios. However, they require more time and expertise in selecting the right funds.

Benefits of Regular Funds: Investing through a professional Mutual Fund Distributor (MFD) who is a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) adds immense value. MFDs provide personalized guidance, research, and portfolio management, which can significantly improve returns over time.

Expertise: A CFP can help you choose the right mix of funds and track their performance. This ensures your investments align with your goals and risk tolerance.

Tax Considerations for SIP Investments
Equity Funds:

LTCG: Capital gains from equity funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.
STCG: Short-term gains are taxed at 20%, which can reduce the overall returns if the funds are sold before 1 year.
Debt Funds:

LTCG: Long-term capital gains from debt funds are taxed according to your income tax slab.
STCG: Short-term gains from debt funds are also taxed at your income tax slab.
Tax-Efficient Strategy: Considering the 5-year time frame, an active strategy with a mix of equity and debt funds can be tax-efficient. The long-term capital gains tax on equity funds is favorable compared to short-term debt fund taxes.

Emergency Fund
Liquidity: While SIP investments can grow wealth, it’s important to maintain liquidity. Ensure that a portion of your savings is in easily accessible instruments for emergencies.

Liquid Funds: These are debt-based funds that offer safety and liquidity. Keep 3 to 6 months' worth of living expenses in these funds for any unforeseen needs.

Planning for Your Daughter's Future
Educational Costs: If you plan to use these funds for your daughter's education, ensure that the investments are aligned with the expected cost.

Higher Education: The cost of education can vary greatly depending on the course and country. Ensure that the amount invested will meet the needs of her future studies.

Managing Debt
Clearing Debt: If you have any high-interest debt, focus on clearing it first. This will free up more funds for investment and future needs.

Debt Funds in SIP: For short-term goals, debt mutual funds can provide stability and predictability, which might be more suitable given your time horizon.

Building a Well-Diversified Portfolio
Diversification: A diversified portfolio will help reduce risk and increase the potential for growth. Consider having equity, debt, and hybrid funds in your portfolio.

Review Portfolio: Review your portfolio every 6 months with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP). Make adjustments based on market conditions, your risk tolerance, and your goals.

Final Insights
Starting an SIP of Rs. 10,000 per month is a great strategy to reach your 5-year goal. You can choose a mix of equity and debt mutual funds for a balanced approach. Focus on actively managed funds and consider investing through a professional distributor for better results. Ensure that your portfolio is diversified and periodically reviewed to stay on track. Always remember to maintain sufficient liquidity in case of emergencies.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7635 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jan 27, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
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Money
I am 66 years old and retired and have one daughter married and well settled and has 2 children aged 5 years son and 3 years daughter. I have no liabilities and have a family income of Rs.3 lakhs per month thru rental. My monthly expenses is Rs 50 K per month and annual payments of medical, vehicle and property tax is Rs.3.25 Lakhs. I have direct equity invested around 1.2 CR and Invested in PMS now valued at Rs.85 Lakhs. I have plot valued at 1.6 CR and 2 independent house valued at 3cr. I have a commercial property which gives me above rental is valued at Rs.5 CR. Now kindly advise me how i should investment my earnings which will help my daughter and 2 grand children for for their future education. My above income is after paying the taxes to the government. I lead a simple life and travel every year 2 times.
Ans: Your financial position is strong with no liabilities.

Monthly rental income of Rs. 3 lakhs covers your expenses and lifestyle.

Monthly expenses of Rs. 50,000 and annual expenses of Rs. 3.25 lakhs leave ample surplus.

You have diversified assets, including equity (Rs. 1.2 crore), PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs), real estate (Rs. 9.6 crore), and regular rental income.

You lead a simple life, which allows significant potential for wealth accumulation and legacy planning.

Investment Goals
Your primary focus is to:

Ensure financial security for your family.

Support your daughter and grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Maintain sufficient liquidity for personal travel and unexpected medical costs.

Recommendations for Asset Allocation
1. Equity Investments
Your current direct equity portfolio (Rs. 1.2 crore) and PMS (Rs. 85 lakhs) are commendable.

Direct equity requires active tracking and expertise.

Shift part of your direct equity to regular mutual funds through a Certified Financial Planner.

Regular funds offer professional management and long-term growth.

Retain PMS if it meets your return expectations and aligns with your risk appetite.

2. Emergency Fund
Allocate 6–12 months of expenses to liquid funds.

This ensures liquidity for unexpected expenses or emergencies.

Investments for Daughter and Grandchildren
1. Education Fund for Grandchildren
Start investing in child-focused mutual funds for their education.

Choose regular funds through an experienced Certified Financial Planner.

These funds offer professional management and goal-based growth.

Systematic Investment Plans (SIPs) in equity funds can help accumulate the required corpus.

2. Legacy Fund
Invest in diversified mutual funds for wealth creation.

Choose a mix of large-cap, flexi-cap, and balanced advantage funds.

This portfolio can grow steadily while preserving wealth.

Real Estate Diversification
Avoid further investments in real estate.

Real estate is illiquid and challenging to manage during retirement.

Liquidate one property if diversification is needed.

Use the proceeds to invest in mutual funds or bonds.

Fixed Income Options
Consider investing in corporate bonds or debentures for steady income.

Choose bonds rated “AAA” for safety.

Avoid annuities as they provide low returns and limited flexibility.

Tax-Efficient Planning
Review tax-saving strategies with a Certified Financial Planner.

Equity investments (LTCG above Rs. 1.25 lakh taxed at 12.5%) are tax-efficient.

Ensure proper tax documentation for real estate and rental income.

Track PMS returns and tax implications yearly.

Liquidity and Annual Expenses
Set aside Rs. 25–30 lakhs in a liquid fund.

This covers your annual travel, property taxes, and medical expenses.

Keep medical insurance for yourself and your family updated.

Succession and Estate Planning
Create a will to ensure smooth asset transfer.

Include clear instructions for property distribution.

Discuss creating a trust for your grandchildren’s education and future needs.

Travel and Lifestyle Funding
Use rental income surplus to fund annual travel.

Avoid withdrawing from long-term investments for discretionary expenses.

Final Insights
You have built a strong financial foundation.

Focus on simplifying investments for better management.

Diversify and invest in professionally managed mutual funds.

Plan for family needs with a balanced approach to risk and growth.

Regularly review your portfolio with a Certified Financial Planner.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025Hindi
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |507 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Jan 26, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Jan 26, 2025
Relationship
He ma'am, Me and my husband are of same age 35 and its been 5yrs we got married but we don't have physical relationship at all my husband says we don't have intimacy, I forced home to visit doctor and the blood reports says all okay, as per his saying cause I don't understand the medical terms much....but if everything is okay medically still he never tries to come closer earlier we tried but he use stop in between before having sex and run to washroom and sit there for long ...and this was becoming mystry for me,bi asked him he said everything is fine it will take time and everything will be fine earlier he use to use washroom for long but now he does not .....in expectation that things will become better I wasted my 5 yrs. As a person he is good but as a husband he is lacks i wated my carrier as I am not getting any job in perticular city, and with is I started feeling useless as I had dreamt of living peaceful and happy life with him but everything went wrong no love, no emotional support, no physical intimacy no carrier nothing. I shared this with my mother in law as he was behind me for baby so one day I told her that we don't have physical relationship so please don't expect baby he didn't believe me but later on she started believing but she didn't take any action she is quite...how will I survive in this environment when I don't have reason to live...my husband support my family financially and because of that I not able to take any step..I feel suffocated at my in-laws place, I don't like to stay there he just makes me happy by shopping, watching movies that it but is this enough for the happy relationship. I was so friendly with him that I said that let me know what there in your mind you don't like me he said no I like you...then I asked him then why you don't want to get physical I started getting self-doubt on myself, he said you don't respond while sex but you tell me in 5 years we hardly tried 6-7 time and I responded him but he use to run to washroom in mid of play what would I do then I tried giving him hints for having sex but he use to ignore now you say that in 5 yrs of period we didn't has sex then don't you think there's major issue and when I say we should visit doctor then he says I have medical proof that I am physically fine... coming on my MIL part she used our bedroom toilet though we have 2 washroom out is western so she uses ours so there is no privacy our bedroom is never locked because of my MIL when I Iock my husband gets early in morning and open the lock for my MI, please tell me is this right every now and then she comes in our room and interfere in our conversation, her this behaviour feels like she is insecure about his son as FIL is more...I discuss with my husband that atleast we should have our privacy so he says yes but take no action...he does commitment but never fulfills...basic expectations I have from him that if not physical then atleast spent time with me, let's go and explore place he says yes but never go, I agreed on every point I lived according to my MIL she is selfish instead of knowing all problem she just want fasting for his son, making food what he likes, doing puja for his son success...you tell me in return I am not getting anything still I kept on doing my best to prove best bshu and best wife but no good change... I going through anxiety, stress, depression because of this I lost my confidence, no carrier nothing....now I decided to look for job in other city and thing for my mental peace and become independent because staying with him in 5 yrs didn't bring good changes instead I lost myself in my making them happy...what should I do please help ...he say that I don't want weekend wife now you tell me why I not think of myself now he says, I want to stay with you but if there is not change after so many try then it's useless he always says will work this out but it never happened, I tried my best.now I said will look for job in other city and will meet in weekend spend time together, and I will be there in all your worst situation. But now I can be jobless and asking for money everytime from him....he thinks money is the solution for all.He says no weekend wife how long this will work then but he is not giving me any choice, he says though I want to stay with you but if weekend wife the seperation is only option no divorce but seperation please guide *regarding physical relationship, *regarding my MIL interference despite of knowing everything, no privacy, her insecurity *And my decision of taking job in other as I am not getting opportunity in same city, staying together is also brings no change. Pls suggest.
Ans: The issue with the lack of physical intimacy is not simply about the act itself; it represents a disconnect in your relationship. Your husband's avoidance of intimacy and his reluctance to fully address the matter, despite your efforts, suggest deeper underlying challenges—perhaps emotional, psychological, or situational. While you’ve already taken steps by opening conversations, it’s clear that progress has stalled because this isn’t something you can resolve on your own. A professional intervention, such as couples therapy or sex therapy, could provide a neutral ground to explore these concerns. Presenting this option to him as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship rather than assign blame might help him feel less defensive. However, his willingness to engage will be a critical measure of his commitment to addressing these long-standing issues.

The lack of boundaries with your mother-in-law is another significant stressor that’s undermining your marriage and your mental peace. A healthy relationship requires a sense of security and privacy, which has been compromised by her interference. While it’s natural to want to maintain respect within a family, your husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce boundaries is enabling a dynamic where you feel powerless and overlooked. The fact that you’ve expressed your concerns and seen no action suggests that waiting for change may not lead anywhere. You need to clearly communicate to your husband that privacy is not negotiable for the survival of your relationship. If he continues to prioritize his mother’s comfort over your peace, it will remain a barrier to the intimacy and connection you’re seeking.

The decision to pursue a job in another city reflects your need to reclaim control over your life and mental well-being. This isn’t just about financial independence—it’s about rediscovering your sense of purpose and confidence after years of feeling stuck. Your husband’s opposition to the idea of a “weekend wife” underscores his resistance to change, but his reluctance to address the core issues in the relationship leaves you with no alternative. Staying in this environment without progress will only deepen your feelings of suffocation and self-doubt. Choosing to prioritize your career is not a failure of the relationship; it’s a necessary step to protect your own mental health. You’ve already demonstrated immense patience and effort over the past five years, and now it’s time to invest in yourself.

As a coach, I would encourage you to focus on actionable steps: seeking therapy for clarity, setting non-negotiable boundaries with your husband regarding privacy and mutual respect, and pursuing your professional goals with confidence. By stepping into a space where you feel empowered, you’ll be in a better position to assess whether this relationship can evolve into the partnership you deserve. It’s important to remember that you’re not walking away from the marriage by making these decisions—you’re simply ensuring that your needs and well-being are no longer sidelined.

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