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44-Year-Old With Two Kids Needs Retirement Plan - Is My Current Strategy Enough?

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Nov 04, 2024

Ramalingam Kalirajan has over 23 years of experience in mutual funds and financial planning.
He has an MBA in finance from the University of Madras and is a certified financial planner.
He is the director and chief financial planner at Holistic Investment, a Chennai-based firm that offers financial planning and wealth management advice.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 04, 2024Hindi
Money

I am 44 years old and will retire at age of 58 yrs. Have 2 children of 14 and 7 yrs.Pllaning to get around 50 lakhs fund for their higher education and would require 5 Cr corpus by my retirement.inesting in PPF yrly 150,000. Current balance is 20lakhs. Own house no loan. currently I have monthly SIPs of 30K with current valuation 20lakhs. SBI Magnum gilt fund direct growth (5000),SBI equity hybrid fund regular growth (10000),SBI blue chip fund (2500),SBI Nifty index fund regular plan(5000),ICICI PRUDENTIAL focussed equity fund direct plan growth (5000), ICICI PRUDENTIAL BALANCED adv fund direct plan growth (5000).Kindly let me know if these funds are good and it these help in gaining my goals.plz suggest in case of any changes required

Ans: Let's dive into your investment strategy for building the targeted Rs. 5 crore retirement corpus and Rs. 50 lakh education fund. You are already taking commendable steps, such as investing consistently in mutual funds and PPF, holding an equity-heavy portfolio, and managing with zero debt. Let's assess and optimize your current plan for maximum impact.

 

Current Investment Review
Your SIP portfolio is well-diversified with a mix of equity, hybrid, and debt-oriented funds. Here’s a quick assessment of the types of funds you hold and some pointers to optimize them further:

Equity and Focused Funds
These funds offer growth potential, which aligns well with your long-term goals. Equity funds generally have higher returns over time, making them essential for building wealth. However, focusing more on actively managed funds could bring in a higher return than index funds over the long term. This would support your goals more robustly than passive funds like index funds.

Hybrid Funds
Hybrid funds provide a balance between growth and stability, which helps reduce volatility. Including them in your portfolio is beneficial as it helps diversify across asset classes. However, actively managed equity or hybrid funds could be more advantageous over passively managed options.

Debt and Gilt Funds
While gilt funds can provide stability, they’re not always optimal for long-term goals due to their lower returns compared to equity. If your risk tolerance allows, consider re-allocating part of this investment to high-growth funds to support your corpus goals.

 

Suggested Adjustments to Your Portfolio
To maximize your chances of reaching your goals, a few changes are recommended:

Shift to More Active Funds
Actively managed funds are designed to outperform their benchmarks, unlike index funds. By investing through a Certified Financial Planner, you can benefit from personalized fund management, allowing for better potential growth aligned with market conditions.

Reallocate from Gilt to Equity-Based Funds
Since your retirement horizon is 14 years, a higher equity allocation may suit your portfolio better. Consider moving a portion from gilt to diversified equity funds for greater growth.

Increase Monthly SIPs Gradually
To build the Rs. 5 crore corpus and fund your children’s education, increasing your monthly SIP contributions with an annual increment (say 5-10%) will boost your corpus significantly.

 

Education Fund Planning
Your goal of Rs. 50 lakh for children’s education in 4-8 years is achievable by focusing on medium-term investments. Here’s a suggested approach:

Equity Funds with a Defensive Mix
A combination of large-cap and balanced funds would suit this goal, providing both growth and some stability. These funds are resilient during market downturns and typically perform well in medium to long term, helping achieve your educational goal.

Hybrid or Dynamic Asset Allocation Funds
Hybrid funds can automatically adjust equity-debt allocation based on market conditions, offering a balance between risk and return. This strategy aligns well with your shorter horizon for education funding needs.

Consider Lump Sum Investments
If you have any spare cash flow or bonuses, consider making lump-sum contributions into education-specific funds. This can give a boost to your target corpus for educational needs.

 

Long-Term Retirement Planning for Rs. 5 Crore
Building Rs. 5 crore in 14 years requires consistent investments and an increased focus on equity. Here’s how to further align your portfolio:

Increase Equity Exposure Gradually
To achieve high growth, increasing your equity allocation is essential. Equity-oriented funds have historically shown robust performance over 10-15 years, aligning well with your retirement timeline. These funds offer a balanced risk-reward approach and should be prioritized in your SIP contributions.

Systematic Transfer Plan (STP)
In the final 3-4 years before retirement, consider moving investments systematically from equity to safer debt funds. This STP will help safeguard your accumulated corpus against market volatility.

Avoid Over-Reliance on PPF
While your PPF contributions add safety, their returns may be limited compared to equity funds. A balanced approach with equity SIPs as a major component can yield better results.

 

Understanding the Impact of Direct vs. Regular Funds
Although direct funds have lower expense ratios, working through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) using regular plans can add significant value to your portfolio. Here’s why:

Customized Strategy and Guidance
A CFP provides tailored advice on fund selection, asset allocation, and market timing. Regular plans enable access to this professional support, often translating to better overall performance.

Ease of Management and Rebalancing
With regular plans, your CFP can help rebalance your portfolio based on market conditions, aligning it with your goals without additional effort on your part.

 

Addressing Index Funds in Your Portfolio
Index funds may be low-cost, but they are also passively managed, limiting their ability to respond to changing market trends. For long-term goals like retirement, actively managed funds could be more effective due to their potential to generate alpha.

Growth Potential of Actively Managed Funds
Actively managed funds can yield higher returns as fund managers actively select high-potential stocks. This is especially beneficial for aggressive goals like building a Rs. 5 crore retirement corpus.
 

Tax Implications of Mutual Fund Investments
It’s important to understand the taxation on mutual fund gains to make informed decisions.

Equity Mutual Funds
Long-term capital gains (LTCG) over Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%. Short-term gains (within 1 year) are taxed at 20%. For your long-term goals, LTCG taxation may be more favorable as your SIPs will benefit from long-term growth.

Debt Mutual Funds
Both LTCG and STCG on debt funds are taxed based on your tax slab. For high-income individuals, debt funds might incur a higher tax, so equity-heavy SIPs are generally more tax-efficient over time.

 

Emergency Fund and Risk Management
Your existing investments are growth-oriented, but maintaining liquidity for emergencies is crucial.

Emergency Fund
Ensure you have at least 6-12 months of expenses in a high-liquidity instrument like a savings account or liquid fund. This way, you’re covered for unexpected needs without disrupting your long-term plans.

Insurance Cover
Ensure adequate health and life insurance coverage to protect your family’s future. This acts as a safety net, ensuring your retirement and education funds remain untouched even in emergencies.

 

Final Insights
Your investment portfolio and approach are well-aligned with your goals. By making minor tweaks, such as increasing equity exposure, transitioning to actively managed funds, and incrementing SIP contributions annually, you can achieve both the Rs. 50 lakh education fund and the Rs. 5 crore retirement corpus comfortably.

These adjustments, along with strategic planning for taxation and risk, can bring you closer to your financial goals. Continue investing consistently, stay disciplined, and reassess your portfolio every 1-2 years for optimal growth.

 

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 26, 2024

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I am 48 year old having monthly income 70k. My montly expenses is about 30k. I have 50L term insurance and following SIP 1. Quant small cap fund - 5000/- 2. Parag parik flexi cap find - 5000/- 3. CR bluechip fund -5000/ 4. PGIM India midcap oppotunities fund - 5000/- 5. Invesco India infrastructure fund - 5000/- whether this fund is good for wealth creation of 1.5 Cr in next 10 years I have one daughter and my daughter is in 11 th now. for study some corpus will be used in mutual fund. I am expecting about 10-15 L after 2 years currently i have 31 L corpus in mutual fund and 26 L in PPF. Whether i go for ELSS fund or PPF for tax rebate? Also suggest if any changes in saving or mutual fund to raise the corpus of about 1.5CR after retirement life.
Ans: You are in a strong financial position at 48 years old. With a stable monthly income of Rs 70,000 and expenses of Rs 30,000, you are saving Rs 40,000 each month. Additionally, you have Rs 50 lakh term insurance, which is a good safety net for your family. Your investment in mutual funds is already substantial with Rs 31 lakh in SIPs, and Rs 26 lakh in PPF, which is great for long-term tax savings and risk-free returns.

You are aiming for a corpus of Rs 1.5 crore in the next 10 years, which is ambitious but achievable. Let’s evaluate your portfolio and savings plan to ensure you stay on track for this goal.

Evaluating Your Current SIP Portfolio
You have a diverse mutual fund portfolio with a mix of small cap, flexi cap, bluechip, midcap, and infrastructure funds. This is good for diversifying risks and gaining from different sectors. Let’s break it down:

Quant Small Cap Fund (Rs 5000): Small cap funds are aggressive and offer high growth potential but come with higher risk. This is a good allocation if you are willing to ride market volatility.

Parag Parikh Flexi Cap Fund (Rs 5000): Flexi cap funds are flexible and invest across large, mid, and small caps. Parag Parikh is a good option for long-term growth.

Canara Robeco Bluechip Fund (Rs 5000): Bluechip funds are stable and invest in large companies with strong fundamentals. This is a safer, more stable part of your portfolio.

PGIM India Midcap Opportunities Fund (Rs 5000): Midcap funds offer a balance of growth and risk. They perform well in a growing market and provide higher returns than large caps.

Invesco India Infrastructure Fund (Rs 5000): Sectoral funds like infrastructure funds are risky, as they rely on the performance of a single sector. While infrastructure is a growing sector, this adds concentrated risk to your portfolio.

Suggestions to Improve Portfolio
You have good diversification, but reduce exposure to sector-specific funds like the Invesco India Infrastructure Fund. You may consider switching to a more broad-based equity fund, like a multi-cap or balanced advantage fund, for a more consistent long-term performance.
Target of Rs 1.5 Crore in 10 Years
Let’s analyze how achievable your Rs 1.5 crore goal is. You are currently investing Rs 25,000 per month in SIPs and have a corpus of Rs 31 lakh in mutual funds.

For your SIPs: Assuming a reasonable return of 10-12% per annum, your monthly SIP of Rs 25,000 could grow to approximately Rs 50-60 lakh over the next 10 years.

For your existing mutual fund corpus of Rs 31 lakh: With a similar 10-12% annual growth, this could grow to approximately Rs 80-85 lakh in 10 years.

This brings your total corpus to around Rs 1.3-1.45 crore, which is quite close to your target of Rs 1.5 crore. You are on the right track, but slight adjustments can help ensure you meet or exceed your goal.

How to Adjust for Your Daughter’s Education
You mentioned needing around Rs 10-15 lakh for your daughter’s education in two years. This is a significant withdrawal and will reduce your overall corpus. Let’s plan for this:

Consider using low-risk debt funds or your PPF account to fund her education. These options are safer than withdrawing from equity mutual funds, which could experience volatility in the short term.

If you do need to withdraw from mutual funds, consider withdrawing from your large-cap or bluechip funds, as they are generally more stable.

After withdrawing Rs 10-15 lakh, you can replenish your SIPs to make up for the withdrawn amount. Increasing your SIP contributions by Rs 5000-10,000 per month after your daughter’s education will help bridge the gap and keep you on track for Rs 1.5 crore.

ELSS vs. PPF for Tax Savings
For tax-saving purposes, you are considering either ELSS or PPF. Both have their pros and cons:

ELSS (Equity Linked Savings Scheme): ELSS funds have the shortest lock-in period of three years among tax-saving instruments. They offer market-linked returns, which tend to be higher than PPF over the long term. You can expect returns in the range of 10-12% from ELSS.

Advantages:

Short lock-in period (3 years).
Higher returns than traditional tax-saving instruments.
Disadvantages:

Subject to market risk.
Taxed under long-term capital gains (LTCG) beyond Rs 1 lakh per year.
PPF (Public Provident Fund): PPF offers a fixed return and is backed by the government. It is a safer option, with a lock-in period of 15 years but allows partial withdrawals after 7 years. PPF is a good option if you want guaranteed, risk-free returns.

Advantages:

Guaranteed returns (7-8% currently).
Tax-free interest.
Good for risk-averse investors.
Disadvantages:

Longer lock-in period.
Lower returns compared to equity-based investments.
Recommendation for Tax Savings
Given your current exposure to equity mutual funds, it would be wise to add some allocation to ELSS. You already have Rs 26 lakh in PPF, which provides safety. A mix of PPF for guaranteed returns and ELSS for higher growth would create a balanced approach.

Strategy for Wealth Creation
To reach your target of Rs 1.5 crore, consider these steps:

Increase SIPs Gradually: After your daughter’s education, aim to increase your SIPs by Rs 5000-10,000 per month. This will help boost your corpus to Rs 1.5 crore or more.

Diversify into Balanced Funds: Add a balanced advantage fund or hybrid fund for stability and moderate growth. These funds reduce risk and still offer reasonable returns.

Continue PPF Contributions: Continue contributing to PPF for risk-free, tax-free returns. This will complement your equity portfolio.

Final Insights
You are well on your way to reaching your goal of Rs 1.5 crore. Your current investments are on the right track, but small adjustments like reducing exposure to sector funds, increasing SIP contributions after your daughter’s education, and balancing tax-saving investments between ELSS and PPF can further optimize your strategy.

Stay committed to your SIPs, and regularly review your portfolio with a certified financial planner to ensure you remain on course.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

..Read more

Latest Questions
Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Money
Requesting you, to help me, regarding midcap 150 etf of mirae asset midcap 150 etf for longterm through SIP
Ans: Let us review the suitability of investing in a mid-cap 150 ETF for the long term via SIP.

Understanding ETFs and Their Characteristics
Passive Management: Midcap ETFs replicate an index like the Nifty Midcap 150.

Cost Efficiency: They offer lower expense ratios compared to actively managed funds.

No Active Decision Making: They do not try to outperform the market but track the index.

Volatility Concerns: Midcap indices are more volatile than large-cap indices.

Returns Depend on Index: The ETF's performance mirrors the performance of its benchmark.

Disadvantages of Investing in Midcap ETFs
Lack of Active Management
Mid-cap stocks are highly volatile.

Active fund managers can adjust portfolios to limit risks during downturns.

ETFs lack this flexibility, as they strictly follow the index composition.

Limited Flexibility in Rebalancing
Market conditions often demand sector rotation or stock-specific decisions.

Actively managed funds adapt to such conditions, but ETFs cannot.

Tracking Errors
ETFs may not perfectly replicate the index due to tracking errors.

This can affect returns, especially over the long term.

Why Actively Managed Funds May Be Better
Fund Manager Expertise
Skilled managers can outperform the index by selecting high-growth stocks.

They can mitigate risks in falling markets through tactical decisions.

Flexibility in Stock Selection
Active funds are not limited to a predefined basket of stocks.

Managers can select fundamentally strong stocks beyond the index.

Potential for Higher Returns
Actively managed funds have historically outperformed midcap indices over long periods.

This makes them a better choice for wealth creation in the mid-cap segment.

Recommendations for Long-Term Mid-Cap Investments
Diversify: Include actively managed mid-cap funds instead of relying solely on an ETF.

Professional Guidance: Invest in regular plans via a Certified Financial Planner.

Monitor Performance: Review fund performance every 6–12 months.

Manage Risk: Avoid overexposure to mid-cap investments due to their volatility.

Final Insights
While Mirae Asset Midcap 150 ETF is a low-cost option, it has limitations.

Active mid-cap funds can better navigate market volatility.

They provide the flexibility and expertise required for wealth creation.

For long-term SIPs, consider balanced exposure to actively managed funds. This ensures both growth and risk management over time.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |7367 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Money
Dear sir, I am 50 years old and working in private sector MNC 1.5 Lakhs on hand. My job security is very less. I have two kids aged 18, 14 years old. My wife is housewife. I have 80L in Mutual funds and 20L in stocks, Bank deposits 40L. I am investing in SIP in below Mutual funds all direct growth around 57000 pm. CR Bule chip fund, MA Large and Midcap, HDFC smallcap each 5000 pm (15000) step up 2000 every 6months. Invesco Infra, JM Value fund, Nippon India Multicap, Small cap, Parag parekh Flexi cap, Quant Small cap, Mid cap each 6000 pm (42000), all these SIPs started recently from June 2024. Some Lumpsum in Axis smallcap 6L, Bandan core Equity 3L, CR Smallcap 8L, DSP smallcap 4L,HSBC Flexicap 3.5, HSBC Smallcap 3L, ICICI Pru Infra 3.5L, Value discovery 3L, Invesco Large & Midcap 2L, JM Flexicap 1L, Motilal Oswal Midcap 8L, SBI Bluechip 7L, Infrastructure 2L, Sundaram Smallcap 3L My expenses per month are 1.2 Lakh. I don't have loans/EMIs. Please advice me for my retirement life which need at least 1.5L per month, my kids education expenses, and also advice to my Portfolio. Thanks and regards, Yours sincerely, Purushotham Thati
Ans: Your current portfolio and investment habits show a good start. Let us evaluate your financial standing, address your goals, and provide suggestions for optimisation.

Assessment of Your Current Financial Position
Income and Expenses: You have a monthly income of Rs. 1.5 lakh and expenses of Rs. 1.2 lakh. This leaves a surplus of Rs. 30,000 per month.

Investment Corpus: Your existing corpus includes Rs. 80 lakh in mutual funds, Rs. 20 lakh in stocks, and Rs. 40 lakh in bank deposits.

SIP Contributions: You are investing Rs. 57,000 monthly across multiple mutual funds.

Lump Sum Investments: You have allocated significant lump sums to small-cap, flexi-cap, and thematic funds.

Goals: Your goals include securing Rs. 1.5 lakh monthly for retirement and funding your children's education.

Planning for Retirement
Corpus Required
You aim for Rs. 1.5 lakh per month during retirement.

Factor in inflation to estimate future monthly expenses.

The current corpus and SIPs must grow consistently to meet this goal.

Recommendations
Maintain a balanced allocation between equity and debt for steady growth.

Avoid excessive concentration in small-cap and thematic funds, which are volatile.

Increase exposure to balanced and flexi-cap funds for stability.

Planning for Children’s Education
Current Needs
Your children are aged 18 and 14, which implies upcoming higher education expenses.

Plan for expenses within the next 4–8 years.

Recommendations
Create a dedicated education fund for both children.

Use debt-oriented hybrid funds or short-term debt funds for near-term goals.

Ensure part of your mutual fund corpus is earmarked for this purpose.

Portfolio Review and Suggestions
Strengths of the Portfolio
Disciplined SIP Investments: Investing Rs. 57,000 monthly shows financial discipline.

Diversification: Exposure to various categories like large-cap, mid-cap, small-cap, and thematic funds.

Areas for Improvement
Excessive Small-Cap Allocation: High exposure to small-cap funds increases volatility.

Thematic Fund Overlap: Thematic funds like infrastructure may lead to concentration risks.

Direct Fund Investments: Direct funds lack professional guidance and ongoing monitoring.

Portfolio Optimisation
Consolidate funds to reduce over-diversification and improve focus.

Shift some SIPs to balanced advantage or hybrid funds for stability.

Review and replace underperforming funds periodically.

Invest through a Certified Financial Planner to benefit from professional advice.

Optimising Lumpsum Investments
Review the performance of your lump sum investments.

Redeploy underperforming small-cap and thematic funds into balanced funds.

Keep a portion of your bank deposits in liquid funds for emergencies.

Avoid high allocations to sectoral or cyclical funds due to their dependency on market conditions.

Tax Planning
Long-term capital gains on equity mutual funds above Rs. 1.25 lakh are taxed at 12.5%.

Short-term capital gains on equity funds are taxed at 20%.

Debt mutual funds are taxed as per your income tax slab.

Plan redemptions considering these rules to minimise tax liabilities.

Emergency Fund Allocation
Maintain at least 6–12 months of expenses in liquid funds or fixed deposits.

This ensures financial security given your low job security.

Allocate Rs. 15–20 lakh from your bank deposits for this purpose.

Recommendations for SIPs
Reduce exposure to small-cap and thematic funds.

Increase allocation to large-cap and multi-cap funds for stability.

Consider balanced advantage funds to manage market volatility.

Step-up SIPs only after assessing fund performance.

Final Insights
Your financial foundation is strong, but optimisation is essential.

Prioritise stability and diversification in your portfolio.

Allocate funds separately for retirement and children’s education.

Maintain a robust emergency fund to handle uncertainties.

Seek professional advice to streamline and monitor your investments.

Consistent review and disciplined investing will help you achieve financial independence and secure your family’s future.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in
https://www.youtube.com/@HolisticInvestment

...Read more

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |807 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 28, 2024Hindi
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Retiremen advice I am 50 yrs old single with recurring and chronic health issues. I would like to retire and I have 2 crore in FD 1 crore in stock and mutual funds I also own a home and a flat both are free of debt. Please advice me to restructure my assets and have a peaceful retirement. My tax consultant told me I can get up to 3 lakhs per month with 3 cr invested in stocks and mutual funds How realistic is it possible and how to montage the downside risks associated with it. I had been a victim of Franklin Templeton debt funds during covid and I do not trust Mutual funds houses or its manages as before.
Ans: Hello;

It is impossible to get 3 L per month with 3 Cr corpus in mutual funds, unless you are ready to deplete the corpus completely over 10-12 years.

Since you were impacted with Franklin Templeton debt funds issue earlier, I recommend you to buy an immediate annuity from a life insurance company for a sum of 2.8 Cr.

You may chose annuity for life with return of purchase price to your nominee.

It may yield you a post tax monthly income of around 1.1 L+.

After fulfilling your regular expenses you may begin a monthly sip of 10-15 K in any equity fund.

The corpus that this investment will generate over 10-15 years may be used to top-up annuity and hence monthly payouts to account for rise in the inflation.

You may keep balance 20 L corpus in savings account as emergency fund.

Although the Franklin Templeton debt fund issue was difficult for the unitholders of those funds, the alacrity and surgical precision with which SEBI handled that issue and ensured all investors get their money back was commendable.

We cannot control human behaviour but we have extremely robust system of checks and balances in regulation of our MF industry to safeguard investor interests at all costs even if some negative event occurs.

Seek help from a mutual fund distributor or an investment advisor for help, if required.

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Dec 27, 2024Hindi
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Relationship
I live in a joint family with my brother and parents. I’ve been having a hard time managing my relationship with my bhabhi (sister-in-law). We live in the same house, and things have been tense lately. I’ve always tried to be polite and respectful, but there are constant little misunderstandings between us, and it’s starting to affect my peace of mind. We both want to keep things cordial for the family’s sake, but it feels like there’s always some tension whenever we interact. The problem is, I tend to get defensive whenever she says something I don’t agree with, and I know it’s only making things worse. I’m also trying to stay calm in front of everyone, but it’s hard not to let these small issues build up in my head. I really don’t want to keep feeling frustrated, but I don’t know how to change my approach. I love my brother and I want to improve the atmosphere at home and make sure I’m not letting these things affect me so much. Please help.
Ans: Dear Anonymous,
Joint family systems are filled with adventure and these things that you have brought up are part of that adventure.
Take things as they come and make sure you train yourself not to react...is this possible? YES, it is!
Let's say your Bhabhi accuses you of something, maybe your first reaction is to get defensive and explain or argue. Instead, what if you trained yourself to say: Okay, she's again accusing me of something; let's see what is the new thing that she has invented and let me have fun by simply listening.

This will ensure that your part of adventure gets playful and it will also enable you to respond rather than react. Now, does this happen overnight? NO, it requires a lot of mind training but start somewhere to get to someplace different.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

...Read more

Anu

Anu Krishna  |1414 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Dec 28, 2024

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Relationship
Hi, I Am 26(M). I had an arranged marriage, my wife had a pre-marital affair which continued even after our engagement and for 9 months of marriage. According to my wife, she met him once and he wanted to have sex but my wife didn't do it. (The used to chat on Instagram). I found out today after 2 years of marriage. And we just had a baby. My wife asked me to use Instagram after we got engaged, but I refused because I was afraid it would have a bad effect on her. I don't even use it cause I know what can go wrong. When I caught her red-handed and saw the man's chats, I took her phone. And then I had read a little chat, then my wife came to me and said that she had to call our maid. I gave her the phone and she not only spoke on the phone but also deleted the chats with the guy. My eyes were closed when she spoke to maid on the phone. Cause I was so tired. Then I asked my wife to talk to him in front of me because I wanted to teach him a lesson and find his fiancée and tell her the truth. I'm very loyal to my wife. And she was my world. I've never had a girlfriend. I am open minded and I had asked my wife before the engagement, after the engagement on the phone and even after the marriage that if she had a past, I will accept it. My wife messaged him and he asked her talk on video call. The guy also knows that we have just had a baby who is not even 1 month old. I turned on the screen recording of the video call and gave it to my wife. In that screen recording, my wife texted the guy and told him to talk carefully cause I was sitting in front of her and then deleted the message with option of 'delete for you' on Instagram. This is how my wife cheated on me 2 times even after being caught. She told me that she loved me later on. And she took great care of me. She brought me out of depression. She did everything and I also loved her with all my heart and did everything for her. Right now she is saying I forgive her and she wants to live with me like before. She apologized a ton as well. But I don't know what to do at the moment. After so many lies, I can't trust her easily. She has a habit of lying in small things as well. I want to live with her, she was my support, my mother is not even there. when I was 12 years old... Now what do I do? Please kindly guide me!
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
Yes, you feel like your trust has been broken. Is it easy to build back that trust? Yes and No...Yes, if you wish to...No, if you don't wish to...
If you go back in time and play the same story about how you wife was on Instagram and how she 'cheated' on you, there is no way that you can put your marriage back together.
How are you open-minded when an Instagram account causes you to fear what will happen? I can understand that you are a person with no past girlfriends but people do come with a past. Now, your wife could have shared her past with you, but most women seem to not want to for fear of reaction from the men like you have now. I can see that all this has hurt you, but if you want this marriage to work, you are going to have to drop all the past baggage, yours and your wife's and start afresh. Which means taking things for what it is NOW at face value without doubting it.
Can you do that? My suggestion would be: make an honest attempt at it. But warn yourself against going back in to the past otherwise there will be more mud throwing and no solution in sight.
Start new, Start afresh...

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/
Asked on - Dec 28, 2024 | Answered on Dec 28, 2024
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Thanks You Very Much Ma'am For Your Answer. The Reason For Not Using Instagram Was Cause I Didn't Wanted To Look At Any Other Women Instead Of Her. My Intentions Were Pure. Also I Didn't wanted a thing which can spark of cheating so there will be no fire. I am open minded I told her I will accept it. Problem is that affair continued even after engagement and marriage (till 9 months of marriage) But today's condition is that i think she has lost interest. We have tradition inwhich wife goes to their home and stay for 2-3 months. Her mother has been so influential from beginning so am telling her to comeback. She is not ready to comeback even when I am sick. I told her to come back for at least 4-5 days so we can talk. I am afraid she will mindwash her. And I can see that. I have given the best possible time yet she is complaining that I don't give time. When I told her to come back she overeated that she will never go there and that. She wasn't like this. She was with me in my everything. I am so confused. I have forgiven & forgotten everything about the past still... What do you suggest ma'am???
Ans: Dear LoneKnight,
I have already made my suggestions in the initial response. Start afresh and wipe the slate clean. Rebuilding trust cannot happen overnight, so give the marriage a fair GO.
What you have shared again are problems and when you stay in that Zone, you will only be able to focus on problems. When there is an intention to solve the issue, the prerequisite is to move away from all the things that have gone wrong/bad and all the things that you think will go wrong/bad. That's the only way to solve problems. So my suggestions are still the same.

All the best!
Anu Krishna
Mind Coach|NLP Trainer|Author
Drop in: www.unfear.io
Reach me: Facebook: anukrish07/ AND LinkedIn: anukrishna-joyofserving/

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