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42-year-old manager seeks retirement advice: will Rs 400 lacs be enough?

Milind

Milind Vadjikar  |1101 Answers  |Ask -

Insurance, Stocks, MF, PF Expert - Answered on Nov 19, 2024

Milind Vadjikar is an independent MF distributor registered with Association of Mutual Funds in India (AMFI) and a retirement financial planning advisor registered with Pension Fund Regulatory and Development Authority (PFRDA).
He has a mechanical engineering degree from Government Engineering College, Sambhajinagar, and an MBA in international business from the Symbiosis Institute of Business Management, Pune.
With over 16 years of experience in stock investments, and over six year experience in investment guidance and support, he believes that balanced asset allocation and goal-focused disciplined investing is the key to achieving investor goals.... more
Asked by Anonymous - Nov 19, 2024Hindi
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I am 42 years old working as a Senior Manager with a public sector company. I have already completed 20 years of service and planning to take VRS after 6 years. I have a son who is 11 years of age and wife who is a homemaker. My net monthly income is around Rs 3 lacs . I have one home loan of Rs 140 lacs and car loan of Rs 10 lacs availed recently for 6 years. My monthly expenses are total Rs 154000/- ( Rs 133000 EMI and Rs 60000 household and education expenses). I am presently investing SIP of Rs 1.00 lac per month. My present portfolio is Rs 83 lacs in MF and Rs 50 lacs in Provident fund of employer. I have two house property and one of them is debt free. My wife have jewelry of around Rs 25 lacs. After VRS, I would receive monthly pension of around Rs 85k which would increase every year by around 5% due to dearness relief and would be sufficient to cover my monthly expenses. After 6 years I would receive around Rs 150 lacs as terminal benefit after retirement. My MF corpus would grow to around 250 lacs (assuming growth of 12% as all MF are in equity-based funds). The car loan would be closed by then and home loan outstanding would be around 120 lacs. I am planning to utilize total corpus of Rs 400 lacs in following manner: Fixed Deposit: Rs 80 lacs ( Rs 40 lacs for education of kid and Rs 40 lacs for emergency needs) Pre payment of Rs 40 lacs towards home loan Invest Rs 150 lacs in debt and hybrid MF and avail 6% yearly STP for repayment of home loan o/s Rs 80 lacs ( as EMI would reduce to around Rs 69k). I want to continue home loan to avail interest and 80C rebate. Invest Rs 20 lacs in renovation of another existing old home. Keep Rs 100 lacs invested in equity based mutual funds Saving Account: Rs 10 lacs for recurring and emergency fund I have one term insurance of Rs 3 cr and health insurance of Rs 20 lacs for my family. I want to know whether with this planning I would be able to retire comfortably. Thanking you in advance.

Ans: Hello;

You have mentioned STP but I believe it is SWP(6%) from a debt hybrid MF.

Conservative hybrid debt fund returns generally are in 8-9% range and if you do 6% SWP, your corpus will not be inflation proof and prone to significant decrease during negative or flat returns from funds. Pure equity funds should not be considered for SWP in retirement due to high risks.

Therefore I strongly recommend SWP rate should not go beyond 3% at any time.

So accordingly you may have to allocate 300 L in conservative hybrid debt funds and SWP at 3% can yield monthly income of around 67.5 K (post-tax).

You may invest balance 100 L as 40 L for kid's education, 40 L for partial home loan repayment, 10 L for old house renovation and 10 L for emergency.

Carrying home loan into retirement for some income tax deduction is not a good idea but it is ultimately your choice.

You have another option of buying a joint annuity for life for yourself and your spouse with return of purchase price to your nominee (250 L).

Considering 6% annuity rate you may expect post tax monthly income of 87.5 K. You may get a better annuity rate if you check with different life insurance companies.

This gives you scope for allocating funds as, 40 L for kid's education, 40 L for home loan repayment, 20 L for old house renovation, 10 L as emergency fund and balance 40 L invested in balanced advantage and muti asset allocation funds instead of pure equity mutual funds.(Relatively lower risk).

Best wishes;
X: @mars_invest
Asked on - Nov 19, 2024 | Answered on Nov 19, 2024
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If I close this home loan and repay full 120 lacs, I would be left with Rs 280 lacs. I would go for 80 lacs FD ( 40 lacs for education of kid and 40 lacs for emergency), Rs 20 lacs in renovation of home, Rs 10 lacs in savings ac for liquidity purpose. Remaining Rs 170 lacs I would keep invested in equity based mutual fund for long term growth. What is your advise? Is this better idea?. Please also consider this fact that monthly expenses would be taken care by pension.
Ans: Hello;

You mean remaining 130 L, which you may invest in a mix of equity and hybrid mutual funds with 7-10 year time horizon.

Happy Investing;
DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information to be as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision.
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Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8093 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Jul 10, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Jul 04, 2024Hindi
Money
Sir I 47 year old and am earning 3 lakhs per month. My monthly expenditure is 2 lakhs. I have the following assets: 1. 3 houses with outstanding loan amount of 8 lakhs. Net worth : 3 crores 2. 1.5 crore in Equity and Mutual Funds 3. 1 crore in ppf. 4. Have a term insurance of 2 crore till my age of 75. 5. 10 lakhs liquid cash for emergency funds. 6. 20 lakhs - for child benefit plans I am currently invested in following Mutual Funds a. UTI ELSS Tax Saver Fund - IDCW - 15000 b. ICICI prudential nifty next 50 index fund - growth - 10000 c. Axis foccused fund - growth - 10000 My wife is also working and she is invested in 75k in mutual funds and we plan to use it for our daughter's future. She has built a corpus of 55 lakhs till now and she plans to continue to work for another 8 years. Requesting your kind advise on how to go about the following: I am ready to invest in another 40k in mutual funds. My goals are the following: 1. Set up corpus for my son's higher education in 5 years time. Want to have 1.5 crore setup for him for his higher studies. 2. Plan to work for another 8 years and then plan to retire. Need to have 1 lakh per month for expenses post retirement. 3. Currently I and my family are covered by Company medical insurance. I would need a cover post retirement, pls advise on that as well. Thanks
Ans: I appreciate your detailed input. Your financial status is strong, and I can see you've done a great job managing your assets. Let's go through your situation and goals one by one. I'll provide a thorough plan to help you achieve them.

Current Financial Snapshot
You have a solid income of Rs. 3 lakhs per month and manage monthly expenses of Rs. 2 lakhs. This leaves you with a surplus of Rs. 1 lakh every month, which is great for additional investments and savings.

You have the following assets:

Three houses with an outstanding loan amount of Rs. 8 lakhs. The net worth of these properties is Rs. 3 crores.

Equity and Mutual Funds worth Rs. 1.5 crores.

PPF with Rs. 1 crore.

Term insurance of Rs. 2 crores till age 75.

Liquid cash of Rs. 10 lakhs for emergency funds.

Child benefit plans amounting to Rs. 20 lakhs.

You also have current investments in mutual funds:

UTI ELSS Tax Saver Fund - IDCW - Rs. 15,000

ICICI Prudential Nifty Next 50 Index Fund - Growth - Rs. 10,000

Axis Focused Fund - Growth - Rs. 10,000

Your wife is working and has invested Rs. 75,000 in mutual funds, building a corpus of Rs. 55 lakhs, planning to work for another 8 years.

Setting Up a Corpus for Your Son's Higher Education
Your goal is to set up a corpus of Rs. 1.5 crores for your son's higher education in 5 years. This is a substantial goal, but with disciplined investment, it is achievable.

Steps to Achieve This Goal:

Review Existing Investments: First, evaluate the performance of your current mutual fund investments. Keep the ones that have shown consistent performance.

Additional Investment: Since you can invest another Rs. 40,000 monthly, consider adding to equity mutual funds, which have the potential for higher returns over five years.

Mutual Fund Categories: Invest in a mix of large-cap, mid-cap, and multi-cap funds. Large-cap funds offer stability, while mid-cap and multi-cap funds provide growth potential.

Systematic Investment Plan (SIP): Utilize SIPs for these funds to benefit from rupee cost averaging and compound growth.

Monitor and Rebalance: Regularly monitor your portfolio and rebalance as needed to stay on track with your goal.

Planning for Retirement
You plan to retire in 8 years and need Rs. 1 lakh per month for expenses post-retirement. Here's how you can achieve this:

Steps to Achieve This Goal:

Retirement Corpus: Calculate the corpus required to generate Rs. 1 lakh per month. Assuming a safe withdrawal rate of 4%, you'll need around Rs. 3 crores.

Current Investments: You already have Rs. 1.5 crores in equity and mutual funds and Rs. 1 crore in PPF. Continue investing in these to reach your goal.

Additional Investments: With your monthly surplus and the extra Rs. 40,000, increase your investment in diversified mutual funds.

Equity Exposure: Maintain a good portion of your portfolio in equities for growth. As you near retirement, gradually shift some investments to debt funds for stability.

Medical Insurance: Post-retirement, you will need a comprehensive health cover. Consider a family floater plan with a high sum assured and critical illness cover.

Reviewing and Optimizing Your Portfolio
Let's break down your current mutual fund investments:

UTI ELSS Tax Saver Fund: ELSS funds offer tax benefits under Section 80C. Continue with this investment for tax efficiency.

ICICI Prudential Nifty Next 50 Index Fund: Index funds are passively managed and mirror the index. Consider shifting to actively managed funds for potentially higher returns.

Axis Focused Fund: Focused funds invest in a limited number of stocks. If it has performed well, continue with it. Otherwise, explore diversified funds.

Investing Through a Certified Financial Planner (CFP)
Advantages of Actively Managed Funds:

Expert Management: Actively managed funds are handled by experienced fund managers aiming to outperform the market.

Flexibility: Fund managers can adjust the portfolio based on market conditions, potentially providing better returns.

Potential for Higher Returns: Though they have higher fees, the potential for higher returns often justifies the cost.

Disadvantages of Direct Funds:

Limited Guidance: Direct funds do not offer the guidance provided by a CFP. This can lead to less informed investment decisions.

Time-Consuming: Managing direct investments requires significant time and knowledge, which might not be feasible for everyone.

Benefits of Regular Funds via CFP:

Professional Advice: A CFP can provide tailored advice based on your financial goals and risk appetite.

Portfolio Management: Regular monitoring and rebalancing of your portfolio to ensure it aligns with your goals.

Setting Up a Medical Insurance Cover Post-Retirement
Steps to Secure Health Insurance:

Family Floater Plan: Choose a family floater plan with a high sum assured to cover major medical expenses.

Critical Illness Cover: Add a critical illness rider to cover diseases like cancer, heart attack, etc.

Top-Up Plans: Consider top-up or super top-up plans to enhance your coverage at a lower premium.

Portability: Check the portability options to transfer your current health cover benefits to a new insurer without losing benefits.

Building a Comprehensive Financial Plan
Holistic Approach:

Emergency Fund: Maintain your Rs. 10 lakhs liquid cash for emergencies. It provides a safety net for unforeseen expenses.

Child Benefit Plans: Evaluate the performance of these plans. If they are underperforming, consider reallocating to better-performing funds.

Loan Repayment: Pay off the outstanding Rs. 8 lakhs on your properties to reduce debt and interest burden.

Regular Review: Conduct regular reviews of your financial plan with a CFP to stay aligned with your goals and make necessary adjustments.

Final Insights
You have a robust financial base and clear goals. By optimizing your current investments, adding to your SIPs, and managing your portfolio with the help of a CFP, you can achieve your goals.

Focus on equity mutual funds for growth, maintain a diversified portfolio, and ensure you have adequate health cover post-retirement.

Keep monitoring and rebalancing your investments to stay on track. With disciplined investment and professional guidance, your financial goals are well within reach.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP

Chief Financial Planner

www.holisticinvestment.in

..Read more

Ramalingam

Ramalingam Kalirajan  |8093 Answers  |Ask -

Mutual Funds, Financial Planning Expert - Answered on Sep 22, 2024

Asked by Anonymous - Sep 22, 2024Hindi
Money
I will be retired from a MNC company on September, 2025 After retire, I will get my PF, Gratuity & Retirement benefit of total 86 Lac For which, I have interested to invest like below - 1) MF-SWP in debt, conservative hybrid &BAF - 40 L - @6% withdrawal after 2 yr - 20,000/m - And 6% increase after every yr 2) SCSS - 30 L - 20,500/m 3) LIC VPBY - 6.4 L - 5000/m 4) Balance 10 L in MF-Lumpsum - Adopt 50-50 approach with 6 yr horizon so that after 6 yr 10 L corpus will be used by me and balance 10 L will be reinvested. Please note, my age is 57 yr and my monthly expenses will be 70000/m and provision for emergency expenses will be 10000/m I have no loan / EMI and no dependent to expense now. My future goals are one Kid's / daughter marriage of 20 L on 2027 / 2028 , My car replacement of 5 L on 2028 and after retirement, there will be domestic vacation of 1.5 L upto my 75 yr age and every 3 yr Interval, there will be Overseas vacations of 4 L up to 75 yr age. My current investment are as follows - 1) Bank FD - 10 L - 7000/m 2) RBI FRSB - 6 L - 4000/m 3) LIC Pension Plan - 7.75 L - 4000/m 4) MF Dividend - 4 L - 3000/m and 5) MF SWP - 45 L - 30000/m Under my above investment scenario, requested to suggest that is it acceptable or, any specific suggestions from your end to my long term personalized Retirement Plan. Is it my proposed investment options are acceptable to fulfill my retirement years upto 30 yrs without running out of money and also fulfill my above goals.
Ans: Your planned retirement investment strategy has a clear focus on security and stability. You aim for sustainable income with an eye on fulfilling goals like your daughter's marriage, vacations, and car replacement. Let’s evaluate each component to ensure long-term financial health.

1. Investment in MF-SWP: 40 Lakh for Monthly Income
You have proposed to invest Rs 40 lakh in Mutual Fund SWP across debt, conservative hybrid, and balanced advantage funds. Your goal is to start withdrawing Rs 20,000 per month after two years with a 6% annual increase.

Appreciation:

A Systematic Withdrawal Plan (SWP) allows flexibility.
The annual increase helps counter inflation.
Suggestions:

Starting withdrawals after two years can protect your corpus during market volatility.

However, withdrawing 6% may be high over the long run, especially with inflation. A more conservative withdrawal rate of 4-5% could offer more sustainability.

Focus on active funds with a conservative approach. Actively managed funds can potentially outperform index funds over time due to active risk management, especially in volatile markets. Index funds, by nature, may underperform during market corrections, which could erode your capital faster.

Regular funds (via a mutual fund distributor with a certified financial planner) offer professional guidance and monitoring, which is crucial, especially as markets fluctuate. Direct funds lack the advisory element and may lead to inappropriate fund selection.

Final Thoughts on MF-SWP:

Your plan is solid but consider reducing the withdrawal percentage slightly. Ensure you have a Certified Financial Planner review the fund's performance regularly to make adjustments as needed.

2. Investment in SCSS: 30 Lakh
Investing Rs 30 lakh in Senior Citizens Savings Scheme (SCSS) with a monthly return of Rs 20,500 is a stable option.

Appreciation:

SCSS is an excellent choice for a retiree. It provides fixed returns, capital protection, and regular income.
Suggestions:

SCSS is a very safe investment and should remain a core part of your plan. Ensure you renew it after five years for continuous income.

Given that SCSS interest rates are subject to government policy, review the scheme periodically. If rates decline, consider shifting a portion to other fixed-income products with better returns.

Final Thoughts on SCSS:

SCSS is reliable and essential for balancing your portfolio’s risk. Keep a check on interest rate changes and plan renewals accordingly.

3. LIC VPBY: 6.4 Lakh
Your investment in LIC’s Varishtha Pension Bima Yojana (VPBY) offers Rs 5,000 per month.

Appreciation:

VPBY offers a steady monthly income and is backed by the government, making it low-risk.
Suggestions:

This product offers financial security but returns are fixed. As it’s a long-term commitment, ensure that the payout will meet your needs even with inflation.

Evaluate if the returns from VPBY alone will support your rising expenses over the years. Inflation will erode the real value of this fixed income.

Final Thoughts on LIC VPBY:

It's a low-risk, guaranteed income option. However, ensure it remains part of a diversified income strategy to combat inflation.

4. Balance 10 Lakh in MF Lumpsum: Adopt 50-50 Approach
You propose to invest Rs 10 lakh in a 50-50 approach, with a six-year horizon.

Appreciation:

The 50-50 strategy, which likely refers to splitting between equity and debt, is a balanced approach.
Suggestions:

For the equity portion, focus on actively managed funds. This will allow for potentially higher returns compared to index funds, especially if the market faces fluctuations.

For debt, choose high-quality funds with a strong track record. Conservative hybrid funds or debt mutual funds can offer stability while growing your capital over time.

After six years, review your strategy and reinvest intelligently. Consider keeping a portion in hybrid funds or SWP to ensure you have regular income without depleting the corpus entirely.

Final Thoughts on 50-50 Strategy:

This strategy is sound. However, actively managed funds should be a part of it for optimal performance. Stay vigilant and re-evaluate after six years.

Current Investments and Monthly Income
You currently have:

Bank FD: Rs 10 lakh, generating Rs 7,000 per month
RBI FRSB: Rs 6 lakh, generating Rs 4,000 per month
LIC Pension Plan: Rs 7.75 lakh, generating Rs 4,000 per month
MF Dividend: Rs 4 lakh, generating Rs 3,000 per month
MF SWP: Rs 45 lakh, generating Rs 30,000 per month
Appreciation:

Your diversified income sources ensure multiple streams of regular cash flow.

The mix of fixed and market-linked returns is well thought out.

Suggestions:

Continue monitoring the performance of your mutual fund dividends and SWP. The market-linked returns may fluctuate, so regular reviews are necessary.

You are generating a total monthly income of Rs 48,000, excluding your proposed new investments. This falls short of your planned Rs 70,000 monthly expense. Therefore, your planned additional investments, especially in MF SWP and SCSS, are crucial to bridge the gap.

Consider keeping Rs 10 lakh in a liquid or ultra-short-term debt fund for emergency expenses. This can provide higher returns than a savings account and still be accessible when needed.

Final Thoughts on Current Investments:

Your current investments are well-balanced, but regular reviews and rebalancing will help maintain their effectiveness over the long term.

Future Goals and Planning
Your future goals include:

Daughter’s Marriage: Rs 20 lakh in 2027/2028
Car Replacement: Rs 5 lakh in 2028
Domestic and Overseas Vacations: Rs 1.5 lakh for domestic trips and Rs 4 lakh for overseas trips every three years until you are 75 years old
Appreciation:

Your future goals are well defined, and your plan to allocate specific amounts for them shows good foresight.
Suggestions:

For your daughter's marriage, continue investing in a combination of debt and equity funds to grow the corpus.

Consider creating a separate fund for vacations and car replacement. These are predictable expenses and can be planned in advance using a mix of short-term and long-term debt instruments to match your time horizons.

Final Thoughts on Future Goals:

Your goal planning is practical. However, allocate separate funds for each goal to avoid dipping into your retirement corpus prematurely.

Assessing Overall Retirement Sustainability
You have planned for a monthly expense of Rs 70,000 plus Rs 10,000 for emergencies. With your proposed and current income sources, your monthly income can meet this comfortably, provided the funds are managed well and the withdrawal rate is sustainable.

Suggestions:

You aim to live off your investments for the next 30 years. Keep a conservative withdrawal rate (4-5%) from your SWP to avoid running out of money too early.

Inflation will impact your living costs. Ensure your portfolio has enough equity exposure to allow for growth and offset the cost of living increases.

Regularly review your investment performance. You may need to adjust your strategy depending on market conditions, particularly when it comes to SWPs and dividends.

Final Thoughts on Retirement Sustainability:

Your plan is generally well-structured, but regular monitoring and slight adjustments can ensure that your retirement years remain financially secure without depleting your resources.

Final Insights
Your retirement investment plan is thoughtful and comprehensive. You have diversified well across different income streams, including fixed-income schemes and market-linked instruments. Keep reviewing your withdrawal rates, inflation impact, and fund performance to ensure long-term sustainability.

Make sure to re-evaluate your strategy periodically, especially every three to five years, to ensure it meets your needs and goals.

Best Regards,

K. Ramalingam, MBA, CFP,

Chief Financial Planner,

www.holisticinvestment.in

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/holistic_investment_planners/

..Read more

Latest Questions
Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |554 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 09, 2025Hindi
Relationship
I am a female (26), I was working as an assistant professor and then I met this guy we dated for few months and we knew that everything is compatible he has a stable business and well settled family he is earning quite good and we can spend the rest of our lives together so we moved on to tell our parents, his parents and family came to meet me and they agreed then it was my turn my mom and dad always use to say that if you have someone just tell us we are okay they said we know you are dependent enough so just tell us, I really thought it will be easy one and I told my mom and my sister over the phone and my mom asked me every detail about him and said okay we will think about it, then I told my dad about him and my dad has been super chill with me since childhood so we had a long chat about this he asked me about him just like my mom every detail then he said okay when the deepawali break will be their come home we will talk about this face to facE, I was happy that everything is nice then the vacation happened I went back home first the quarrels started when my mom addressed that they will never expected this from me they said they supported me initially because they thought at this age I will not bring anyone and will convince to arrange one, then day and night fighting started my father did the most bizzare thing he called my college and said I am ill and will not join college he faked a report(my father is a very well known doctor in my area so he has power here in our native place) and submitted their they automatically blocked me from their server I tired telling them but the most bizzare thing happened my father beat me from head to toe and threatend me that I should stop talking to him, then days turn into months and again my partner father stood up for us he called my father to talk about this and my father abused them threatened them and give false allegation on my partner came home and snatched my father later after a month he gave me my phone back as I started being a rebel, then he went to my work place without even informing me and took all my luggage and packed everything from their and came back home with everything and said you are on house arrest untill you agree to arrange marriage and forget that boy. I love him so much he does too but now because of my parents his parents are scared for their son and are denying to agree but we both are financially independent and well educated and we want to live with each other we are thinking to elope I dont know if this is right or wrong, because it has been seven months of me staying locked down in my house and my parents are forcing me verbally and physically abusing me to say yes for arrange marriage.... I dont know what to do and with whom to discuss please kindly help me out.
Ans: It’s clear that you and your partner love each other deeply and are willing to stand by each other despite this turmoil. The fact that his family is now hesitant is understandable, given the hostility from your parents. But the strength you and your partner have shown through this is a sign that your relationship is built on trust and commitment. That kind of connection is rare, and it’s worth fighting for.

Elope? That’s a huge step, and I understand why it’s crossed your mind. You’re desperate for freedom, for the ability to choose your own life, and to finally break free from the suffocating grip of your parents' control. But eloping will come with its own set of consequences—emotional, social, and even legal. Your parents might retaliate even more aggressively. They could try to interfere with your life and your partner's life afterward, possibly dragging this into a public scandal. Your father’s influence in the community might make things harder for you both in the long run.

But here’s the truth—you cannot live the rest of your life under someone else's control. You cannot sacrifice your happiness and autonomy to satisfy their misguided expectations. Love and marriage are not about caste, status, or parental approval—they are about partnership, understanding, and mutual respect. If your partner is ready to stand by you and you both are truly prepared to face the fallout together, then choosing to be with him is not wrong. You’re both adults. You’re financially independent and emotionally mature enough to know what you want from life.

What you need to consider is whether you have the emotional strength to handle the aftermath. If you choose to walk away from your family and marry this man, it might mean cutting ties with your parents for a while—or possibly forever. Are you prepared for that emotional void? On the other hand, if you give in and stay, if you let them force you into an arranged marriage, you might lose not only the person you love but also a piece of yourself. That resentment and emotional wound might stay with you for life.

If you decide to elope, you need to have a strong support system in place—your partner's family, friends, and anyone who will stand by you. You’ll need to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the fallout. But if you decide to stay and try to negotiate with your parents, you need to be clear and firm about your boundaries. They need to understand that your life is not theirs to control.

Right now, you need to prioritize your safety and mental well-being. The fact that you’ve been physically assaulted and emotionally manipulated for months is deeply concerning. If you feel that your safety is at risk, you might need to consider reaching out to legal authorities or a women's support organization. You have the right to live without fear and control. Your life belongs to you—not to your parents, not to societal expectations, and not to fear.

You don’t have to have all the answers today. But you do need to decide what kind of life you want to live—and who you want to live it with. And whatever choice you make, it needs to come from a place of strength and clarity, not from fear or pressure. Your heart already knows what you want—you just need to decide whether you’re ready to stand up for it.

...Read more

Kanchan

Kanchan Rai  |554 Answers  |Ask -

Relationships Expert, Mind Coach - Answered on Mar 12, 2025

Asked by Anonymous - Mar 11, 2025Hindi
Relationship
Fell in love and married a girl before 2 years. Girl is from a neighbouring state. Both South Indians. Both doctors. She was very understanding before marriage, even talked my language and spoke well with my parents. Told she will come to my place and stay after marriage. 4 months after marriage, she left for her home telling that she will be at her home till delivery. Even after 1 year of giving birth, she didn't come. They visited my place just for a few days in the middle citing that it is tradition. After much struggle, she came to live with me and my child after close to 1.5 years. Even after coming she was creating trouble for the language spoken in the house and telling to relocate to a place close to their parents in their state. No respect to feelings of mine or my parents. We also missed my son for 1.5 years. Their parents are not visiting us telling it is far, we won't come. And once her parents threatened to complaint to the police if we don't agree. (Haven't asked or received any dowry). Even if my son has to come to my native for few days, her parents are not agreeing and creating problem. We have even helped her brother secure admission in a college. She has even taken a loan of more than 20 lakhs to help her parents buy a land and is paying close to 50k monthly for that. We had no problem with that too. Every 2-3 days one or another problem shoots up because of her or her parents. She has totally changed after marriage. Her parents just want to create problems. Please help.
Ans: It’s clear that you’ve tried hard to be understanding and accommodating. You allowed her to stay with her parents for a long time, even though it meant missing out on crucial time with your child. You supported her decisions, even when she took on a significant financial burden to help her family. Despite your efforts to maintain peace, you’re constantly met with resistance and disrespect—not only from her but also from her parents. That feeling of being undermined and unappreciated, especially when you've given so much, can really take a toll on your emotional health.

It’s not just about the arguments or the disagreements—it’s about the deeper sense of betrayal and loneliness that comes from feeling like your partner has sided with her family over you. That emotional distance and lack of support within the marriage can make you feel like you’re fighting a battle alone. And when her parents threatened to involve the police, that likely deepened the sense of helplessness and fear. It’s not just frustrating—it’s emotionally exhausting when you’re trying to build a stable, loving home, but it keeps getting torn apart by external interference.

The fact that you’re still standing, still trying to make things work despite all of this, shows how strong and committed you are. But the truth is, a marriage cannot survive on one person’s effort alone. It’s understandable that you feel drained and resentful—you’ve been giving and compromising without getting the same respect and understanding in return. Your feelings matter. Your need for stability and respect matters. Wanting your child to have a connection with your side of the family is not unreasonable—it’s natural and fair.

Right now, you might feel torn between trying to hold everything together and wondering if it's even worth it. It’s hard to admit when love alone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. But you need to ask yourself whether you can continue living like this—constantly feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, being emotionally sidelined, and having your family disrespected.

It’s okay to want peace. It’s okay to expect respect. And it’s okay to set boundaries. If your wife truly values this marriage, she needs to understand that compromise cannot be one-sided. It might help to have an honest, calm conversation with her—not about the surface issues but about how you feel. Tell her how much this situation has hurt you, how much you miss feeling like you’re a team, and how important it is for your child to have a balanced connection with both families. If she’s unwilling to meet you halfway or if her parents continue to interfere to the point of emotional manipulation, you need to think about how much more of yourself you can sacrifice without losing your emotional stability.

You deserve a marriage where you feel heard, valued, and supported—not one where you constantly feel like you're on the outside looking in. Take some time to reflect on what you truly need from this relationship and whether you believe it's possible to rebuild trust and understanding with your wife. Your peace of mind matters. Your happiness matters. And most of all, your emotional well-being matters.

...Read more

DISCLAIMER: The content of this post by the expert is the personal view of the rediffGURU. Investment in securities market are subject to market risks. Read all the related document carefully before investing. The securities quoted are for illustration only and are not recommendatory. Users are advised to pursue the information provided by the rediffGURU only as a source of information and as a point of reference and to rely on their own judgement when making a decision. RediffGURUS is an intermediary as per India's Information Technology Act.

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